F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 32 - Lieutenant O'Rourke, Front and Center - full transcript

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪



♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

There's a rider approaching.

Open the gate.

Major Duncan from
Territory Headquarters.

What do you think
he's up to? I don't know,

but he usually brings a
saddlebag full of trouble.

Major Duncan.

It's nice to see you again, sir.



Nice to see you
again, Parmenter.

Uh... what brings you
our way this time, major?

Captain, I got a
saddlebag full of trouble.

Oh?

Actually, I'm here on a...

special assignment
from headquarters.

Well, major.

Sir.

What brings you back
to Fort Courage so soon?

Bad luck.

Uh,

you were saying about
this special assignment?

Back at headquarters,
we've decided that

our, uh, officer candidate
school isn't turning out

the high caliber-type men
we need for this man's Army.

So...

I'm going to visit all
the forts in the territory.

Evaluate the enlisted personnel
for commissions in the field.

First thing tomorrow
morning, we start off right here.

Evaluating, testing.

If I may say so, major,
an excellent idea.

Our Captain Parmenter
was commissioned in the field.

Yes, yes. They're well aware
of that back at headquarters.

But we're gonna go through
with the scheme anyway.

Captain, I'd like to take a look

at the service records of
all your enlisted personnel.

Uh, yes, sir. I have them
in alphabetical order,

starting with A.

Good thinking.

Are you going to try for
a commission, sarge?

What? Are you out
of your mind, Agarn?

With O'Rourke Enterprises,
the souvenirs, the saloon,

if they made me a general
I'd be taking a pay cut.

All right. Shut up, will ya.

Hold the talk.

Major's gonna be out here to
start the test any minute now.

What test, sarge?

You heard the sarge!
You heard the sarge.

Troop! Ten-hut!

F Troop all present,
accounted for, sir.

All right, sergeant.

Captain Parmenter, carry on.

Men!

This will be the
physical fitness part

of the officer's candidate test.

You will all now run
the obstacle course,

which has been laid out.

And it will be under
simulated battle conditions.

Major Duncan
and I will be firing

live arrows over your head.

Captain.

This knee of mine's been
giving me trouble again.

It's that old wound I
got at the Alamo, sir.

There we were.

Me and Davy Crockett.
Shoulder to shoulder,

we went back to the wall.

Davy, I said! I...

I know all about
you and Duffy, Davy.

Davy. Duffy.

Sir, may I be excused?

You see, I've got this old
horseshoe-pitching elbow.

It's probably meines
ankle is... broken.

Yes, sir, I don't feel too good.

I've been having dizzy spells.

I think it's from blowing
my bugle too hard.

There, there,
there! I'm sorry, I...

Troopers! There, now, there!

All right, troop! Ten-hut!

Uh, men, this is possibly the
most important part of the test.

The first qualification
of a good cavalry officer

is that he be in tiptop
physical condition.

Right, major?

Are you all right, sir?

I'm sorry, sir.

It's all right.

All right. Just... knocked...

the wind out of me for a second.

Okay, sir.

There, you see, men?

That's what I was telling you.

Major Duncan is
a perfect example

of a well-conditioned officer.

Captain Parmenter's
absolutely right, men.

Good officers gotta be
battle sharp, tiptop shape.

All the time.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, boy. Stout fellow.

Well, did you see, men?

Captain Parmenter's
in... tiptop shape.

Sergeant, I think we'd
better start the test.

Yes, sir. Troop!

About face!

Forward march!

Troop, halt!

Left face!

All right, you yellow legs.

This is an obstacle course,
and you are gonna run it.

I want you to jump
over that hitching rail.

Underneath that hitching
rail and the wagon.

Over the bales of straw.

You will then jump
the watering trough.

Crawl on your bellies
underneath that infiltration course.

Climb up that rope hand
over hand to the roof.

And jump off
into the straw pile.

And then you will come
back the same course.

Underneath that
infiltration course.

Try not to fall into
the watering trough.

Over the barrels.
Under the wagon.

And right back here
to this hitching rail.

And you can start now, Dobbs.

Come on!

Dobbs, can't you even
jump over a hitching rail?

Sarge, look what
I did to my bugle.

Never mind your Bugle. Just
get on with the obstacle course.

Hoffenmueller.

Parmenter, ready?

Arrows.

Right, sir.

My honor.

Help! I can't swim!

Help! I can't swim!

I can't swim!

Help! I can't swim!

Vanderbilt!

A little lob shot.

Cease-fire, Parmenter. Please.

Sergeant O'Rourke!

Tell the men we're
calling the test off.

Well, I'll tell 'em, sir,

but I don't know if
they'll hear me or not.

Dobbs, help Duffy
with that trick knee.

Come on, Agarn.

Oh, I don't think we should
call off the test, major.

My men really haven't
been given a chance.

Given a chance?

Parmenter, do you realize
the United States Cavalry

hasn't suffered a defeat
like this since Bull Run?

If I may say so, sir,

I think you were right
in calling off the test.

I'm sure that F Troop
doesn't have any men

who are officer material.

That's where you're
wrong, sergeant.

I think there's one
man in that troop

that's very well-qualified.

Well, who's that, sir?

Sergeant O'Rourke.

Oh, why, that's wonderful!

Congratulations, sergeant.

Will ya quit worrying
and relax, sarge!

The major's gonna make
you an officer, and that's it!

Yeah.

Got it! Got what?

You tell the major
you can't be an officer

or a gentlemen
because of your problem.

What problem?

You drink. Of course, I drink,

but in this Army, if ya drink,
they make ya a general.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about him.

There has got to be some way...

Oh, that's it.

What's it? You
just said something

that may solve
our whole problem.

I told you I'll solve your
problem for ya, sarge.

And you never think
I can come up with

an intelligent suggestion.
What did I say?

We're gonna prove
to Major Duncan

that I could never be an
officer and a gentleman.

Well, that should be
easy for you, sarge.

In my heart, you've
always been a... slob.

Come in.

Hi, Wilton.

Hello, Jane.

Jane, ooh!

Oh, Wilton! I'll help you.

Oh, Wilton. You've
gotta be more careful.

Mm. I-I... Jane! Jane.

A lady does not come
barging into a man's bedroom.

Well, ya told me to come in.

Well, I didn't know it was you.

Well, gee, you shouldn't be
going to bed at 7:00, anyway.

Well, listen, my wise, old
grandmother once said to me

that early to bed
and early to rise

makes a man healthy,
wealthy and wise.

Well, my wise, old
grandmother told me

that if you go to bed
with the settin' sun,

you're sure to
miss a lot of fun.

And she oughta know

'cause she was the highest
paid dance hall girl in Dodge City.

Jane, I really think you
better leave now because

my roommate, Major Duncan,
is going to be back any minute.

All right, Wilton.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I brought you another mousetrap
and some more goat cheese.

Thank you very much, Janey.
Now, would you please leave.

Sure you don't want
me to tuck ya in, Wilton?

Jane!

Is that you, Jane?

Captain, I'd like to take a look

at the service records of
all your enlisted personnel.

Oh, come in, major.

Thank you, Parmenter.

I was just, uh...

Hey, Parmenter, if you're
expecting your lady friend,

I can go and get lost
for a couple of hours.

No, no, no, major.

Oh, but you said... Jane.

I-I did? Yeah.

Uh, well, that... That's
my horse's name. Jane.

Ah.

Your horse in the habit
of coming by at night

and... knocking on your door?

Uh, yes.

And I feed her a lump of sugar.

Sure you do.

Oh, hold it, major.

Hold it. What's the matter?

You're tracking
up my clean floor.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. What
do you want me to do?

Just leap out of my boots?

No, I just like to keep
my quarters tidy, sir.

You know, someday you're
gonna make some woman

a wonderful wife.

Thank you, sir.

Nice little town you got here.

You know, there's not
much action, but it's got...

We're building a
library, you know.

Well, that oughta
liven things up, huh?

Look, Parmenter, I don't
expect you to be my orderly.

Well, sir, I'm just going by
what my wise, old grandmother

used to tell me
when I was a boy.

Oh? "A place for everything

and everything in its place."

Isn't that funny, huh?

You know, my little, old
grandmother used to say

the same thing to me.

She did? Mm.

Yeah, it was right after that

that I sawed the
rockers off her chair.

That wasn't very nice.

Ah, well, made me laugh.

But I figured
anybody going around

saying things like that
must be off their rocker, huh?

Well, I don't suppose
there's anything else

to do but blow out the
lamps and turn in, hm?

Mind if we have
a little fresh air,

or has your grandmother got
something to say about that too?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
Granny used to say that...

Ow! What is this?

Oh! Oh, here, let
me help you, major.

You ever heard of putting a
mousetrap on a window sill?

Well, a lot of mice
haven't heard of it either.

Is that you, Jane?

Oh, it could be my
horse again. Sure.

It's me, captain.
Corporal Agarn.

Oh. Well, come in,
corporal, come in.

What seems to be
the problem, corporal?

Major.

It's Sergeant O'Rourke, sir.

Sergeant O'Rourke?
What happened to him?

Nothing. It's... It's just
that, well... Out with it!

Out with it, corporal!

Oh, goodness, no, sir.

Nobody likes to
turn in a buddy, but...

there's something
you should know

before you can
commission him an officer.

Um, just what are you
talking about, corporal?

It's something the major
will have to see for himself.

With your permission,
major, I'll saddle up your horse.

Good work, corporal.

I'll be with ya in a moment.

Ah, maybe I should
go along with you.

Hm? Oh, no.

No, you stay here and
play "Hickory Dickory Dock."

I don't believe it.

Just don't believe it.

Sergeant O'Rourke
is in here every night.

He's a disgrace to his troop,
to his uniform, to his stripes,

to his horse, to his saddle,
to his boots, to his bunk,

to his footlocker.

All right, Agarn,
I got the point.

Ah, good evening and
welcome to the Playbrave Club.

Uh, may I see your
membership cards?

We don't have any
membership cards.

We are here to pick
up Sergeant O'Rourke.

Sure you wouldn't like
to stay for the evening?

Very cheap drinks served by
beautiful Playbrave Squirrels.

We are not interested.
Corn silk, peace pipes,

snuff.

Corn silk, peace pipes.

I'd sure like to help
that little squirrel

collect acorns for
the winter, huh?

Major Duncan!

We are here to arrest
Sergeant O'Rourke.

We are? Yes, sir.

What for?

For conduct unbecoming
a future officer.

Oh, that's why we're here.

Sir.

Aha!

Sergeant O'Rourke!

Caught you red-handed.

Nothing personal, chief.

What are you doing here, sir?

What's going on here?

Nothing to do with
you, chief. It's just, uh...

I was told Sergeant O'Rourke
was up here, so I, uh...

I came by to investigate.

Sergeant here every night.

He has membership card
number one in Playbrave Club.

You had to turn in your
best buddy, didn't ya?

I did it for the service, sarge.

I'm a buddy second.

But I'm a soldier first.

I know what
you're thinking, sir.

That I am not fit officer
material, and you are right.

As a matter of fact,

I don't even deserve
these sergeant stripes.

Quite right, sergeant.

Get out!

Don't worry, O'Rourke.

Once you're outta
the guardhouse,

you'll work your way
back up the ladder.

Hold on. There's not gonna
be any guardhouse, corporal.

Sergeant, I'm commissioning you

second lieutenant.

But, major, how can you do that?

Tut-tut-tut, corporal.

One of the most important
qualities of a good officer

is leadership.

Any man who can lead
me to a place like this

is officer material.

Surely, sir, you're
making a mistake.

I mean, you want officers
like Captain Parmenter.

I don't know.

The cavalry's looking for
men, not housekeepers.

Congratulations, O'Rourke.

I have a nice
ringside table for ya.

No, Crazy Cat,
they are my guests.

Well, thank you,
chief. Let's all sit down

and, uh, and go on
with the party, huh.

You in luck, major.

Tonight, we have music
of the Tomahawk Trio.

I'm sure I'm gonna
enjoy them very much.

They held over four
weeks at Little Big Horn.

Well, good
afternoon, lieutenant.

Now, knock it off.

I must say one thing: you
look good as a lieutenant, sarge.

And I'd like to say you look
good as a sergeant, corporal.

Are you pulling
rank on me, sarge?

Err... lieutenant.

Listen. In 24 hours, I've gotta
leave here with Major Duncan.

I'm going to miss ya, sarge.

No, you don't understand.

We gotta think of some way to
get these bars off my shoulder.

But there's no way.

We know different,

but the major
thinks you're great.

Hoffenmueller, the only
ones you could wake up

with that call are
the German army.

Hey, corporal! How 'bout
giving me a chance at the bugle?

I should be the one
to blow the bugle.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you who's
gonna blow the bugle.

Is that the way to do it, sarge?

Well, actually, Dobbs,
it's in the wrist. You see?

Keep a nice loose
wrist. On your toes.

Keep your eye on his head.
And then follow through.

There.

Let's go see Captain Parmenter.

Maybe he can
request that I stay here.

Practice, Dobbs.

I'm going into town, captain.
I'll be back around 7:00.

Very well, major.

Let's wait till
the major leaves.

You, uh...

haven't set anymore
mousetraps, have ya?

No, sir.

Good.

Oh, one more thing, major.

If you happen to come
home with mud on your boots,

would you mind
leaving them outside?

What?

- I - just washed the floor.

See here, Parmenter.

If you're so afraid of me
messing up your quarters,

there's another officer on this
post I can bunk with, you know.

Who's that, sir?

Lieutenant O'Rourke.

Oh, yes, I forgot about him.

Yeah!

He's my kind of man.

You can bet your boots he
won't meet me at the door

in a... A nightshirt with a
feather duster in his hands.

Oh, come in.

Oh, good evening, major.

Good evening,
lieutenant. Good evening.

Say, I thought
you and I might, uh,

slip up to the Playbrave
Club, you know, and...

But you're all ready
for bed? It's only 7:00.

Sure, now that I'm an officer,
I have new responsibilities.

Well, I appreciate that, but...

You're wearing lieutenant
bars on your nightshirt?

Pardon, sir, it's just
that I'm so proud.

Now there's a feather
duster you have in your hand.

Oh, yes, yes. I like
to keep my room tidy.

As my wise, old
grandmother once said:

"Cleanliness is
next to godliness."

Uh, is she, by any
chance, related

to Parmenter's wise,
old grandmother?

I don't think so, sir. No.

O'Rourke, I hope I didn't
make a mistake with you.

Oh, no, sir. I'm sure I'm
going to be a very good officer.

I'm beginning to have my doubts.

Oh, no, sir.

I-I'm sure that you're
going to be proud of me, sir.

I'm not so sure
about that, O'Rourke.

There we are.

Good heavens. Look
what we've done now.

Oh? What?

Well, you've
tracked up my floor.

Oh?

I am... I'm sorry
about that O'Rourke.

It's all right, major. We'll
put it right in just a moment.

All right, where is it?

Where's what, sir?

The mousetrap.

Oh, I've never had any
trouble with mice, sir.

You're sure there isn't any...

But I have been
bothered with bears, sir.

Get me out of this!

There you are.

Are you all right, sir?

No. No, I'm not all...

Oh, I'd let you lie on the
bed, sir, but I... I just made it.

I don't think you're gonna
need these anymore.

Sergeant O'Rourke!

Oh, well, sir...

You're more than welcome
to spend the night, sir.

No, thank you!

I'm... going over
and spend the night

with Captain "Blood
and Guts" Parmenter.

Whew.

Did it work, sarge?

Like a charm. Like a charm.

Where we going, sarge?

If we hurry, we can make the
late show at the Playbrave Club.

You are the men of F Troop.

Defenders of the West.

The eyes of Washington
are on all of us.

All of us.

Gravy stains,
Duddleson? Gravy stains?

Hut!

Oh, Dobbs! Dobbs. Aw.

Dobbs.

F Troop all present,
accounted for, sir.

And, uh, the troop is
ready for inspection.

So back to normal,
I see, sergeant.

Yes, sir.