F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Phantom Major - full transcript

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[PLAYS "ASSEMBLY" POORLY]

F Troop ready for pay call, sir.

Good work. Thank you, sergeant.

Now...



Uh, Agarn, Randolph, NMI.

Here, sir.

There you are, corporal, $15.

Thank you, sir.

O'Rourke, Morgan Sylvester.

Here, sir.

There you are, sergeant, $17.

Thank you, sir. I...

PARMENTER: Something
wrong, sergeant?

Why, sir, you've overpaid me.

You've given me
a 10 instead of a 1.

Well, of all the years
I've been in the army,

I've never heard of
a soldier complaining

about being overpaid.

Uh, well, sir, I'm just
a poor horse soldier.

But I only want
what's coming to me.

O'Rourke, you're all-cavalry.

Thank you, sir. Yeah.

Uh, Herbert. Hubert Herbert.

All right, pay call for
O'Rourke Enterprises.

Employees, fall in.

Employees ready for pay call.

Sarge! You've got
more money there

than the U.S. Army.

That's because I'm
smarter than the U.S. Army.

Sure seems like
business is terrific.

Yeah, we had the
biggest month ever.

Business in the saloon
alone was up 33 percent.

Are the men drinking
that much more whiskey?

No, they're drinking
that much more water.

The only way a guy can
get drunk in your saloon

is if he orders a
double-minced pie.

[LAUGHS]

Dobbs, Hannibal Shirley.

Here, sir.

[♪♪♪]

Wilton... here's
a letter for you.

Jane, please, I happen
to be paying the troops.

Now, where was I Dobbs?

Uh, seven, sir. But just
keep right on counting.

Right. Ten.

But it's from Washington,

the War Department,

office of the chief of staff,

stamped official,
urgent and top-secret.

Hm. Sounds like it
might be important.

I guess you could say that.

I wonder what they're
up to in Washington.

[♪♪♪]

I've informed the
commander of Fort Courage

that your man will be
there to start the experiment.

I can't tell you
how grateful we are

to the British army.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]: We're
both fighting Injuns, you know.

Hands across the sea and
that sort of thing, old boy.

Colonel Willoughby,
our information has it

that Cochise and
Geronimo combined forces.

Now, this, sir, could pose

quite a problem for our armies.

They shan't have any trouble

when our Major Bently
Royce shows them the tactics

he uses with the Bengal Lancers.

He's outwitted the beggars
from Bombay to the Khyber Pass.

Sounds like he's
quite a soldier.

He's a living legend.

If he had been with Clive,

there never would have been
the "Black Hole" of Calcutta.

What, um, tactics does he use?

Mainly it's infiltration.

He is a master at
the use of disguises,

in getting his troops
behind the enemy lines.

That's why he's known in
India as "The Phantom Major."

Phantom Major.

Now you see him, now you don't.

Well... sounds real interesting.

Quite.

Colonel, tell me, uh...

just, uh, what does
this fellow look like?

I've never seen him.

You've never seen him? No.

But he's due to meet
me here momentarily.

MAN: Major Bently Royce
reporting for duty, sir.

[♪♪♪]

[PLAYS "ASSEMBLY" BADLY]

Troop, ten-hut!

At ease, men.

Men, as you know,
we've been chosen

to be the test troop
for a new experiment

by the Army, in Indian fighting.

Now, sending someone to teach us

how to fight Indians

is like sending someone
to teach Betsy Ross

how to make a flag.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL FORCE LAUGHTER]

It always relaxes a troop

when you give them
a little joke. Yes, sir.

Well, that certainly
is a little joke, sir.

Thank you.

However, when Major
Bently Royce arrives,

I want each of you to show him

real F Troop hospitality.

Uh, Vanderbilt, any sign
of Major Bently Royce?

No, thanks, captain. I just ate.

Vanderbilt, can
you see the major?

No sign yet, sergeant.

He should have be
here two hours ago.

Yeah, well, with the
captain's permission

I'd like to take
out a search party.

Something may have
happened to him, sir.

Be a shame if
the Indians got him

before he showed us
how to get the Indians.

Yeah.

I'll go with you,
sergeant. I'll get my rifle.

Oh, good. Right, sir.

Vanderbilt, keep your
eyes and ears open!

What's that, sarge?!

Ah, forget it.

["RULE BRITANNIA" PLAYS]

No.

Major Bently Royce
reporting for duty, sir.

Major, what are you
doing in the closet?

Wanted you to give you
a practical demonstration

of the infiltration tactics

that have made
me... a living legend.

Oh. W-well, come in, come in.

Thank you.

I was about to lead a
search party for you.

But I must admit,

the last place I'd ever
think to look is in the closet.

Why do you think they call
me "The Phantom Major"?

My orders, captain.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, won't you sit down, major.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Well, everything seems
to be in order, major.

Well, captain, the, uh,
search party is ready.

Oh, that won't be
necessary now, sergeant.

As you can see, the
major has already...

arrived.

Well, where is he, sir?

What?

[WHISPERS] He
must be in the closet.

The... The major,
in the closet, sir?

Yes, yes. That's
where I found him.

He wanted to demonstrate that

he could slip into the fort

without our noticing it.

Shh.

[SHOUTING] I got you this ti...

I don't understand it.

Where could he be?

O'ROURKE: Heh.

Uh, w-why... Why
doesn't the captain...

lie down for a while, sir?

On the medical officer's cot.

No, no. I'm all right.

Well, of course you're
all right, captain...

Sergeant, I tell you,
he was in the closet.

Of course.

Well, we'll just
have one more look,

shall we?

There.

You see. There's no... [SCREAMS]

Stand easy, chaps.

There, you see?

I told you he was in the closet.

I think I'd better lie down

on the medical officer's cot.

Major Bently Royce,
this is Sergeant O'Rourke

and Corporal Agarn.

Carry on, chaps.

The two best Indian
fighters in the West.

Now, that "The Phantom
Major" has arrived,

they are the two second-best
Indian fighters in the West.

Well, now, I don't know.

We haven't done
too bad so far, sir.

With all due modesty, I
think you'll do much better

when I teach you
my bags of tricks.

[WHIPS OWN THIGH] Mm.

That might not work out here.

There are no closets in tepees.

I was indulging
in a bit of whimsy.

Ha, ha.

When I'm through
training F Troop,

the fort will become obsolete.

Obsolete? Absolutely.

With the Bently Royce tactics,

F Troop will become
a roving band

of highly trained fighters,

with the ability to
harass the enemy

by roaming behind his lines.

W-w-wouldn't we
still need the fort?

I shall also teach
your men to, uh,

ahem... live off the land.

Live off the land?

We're having enough trouble
surviving the mess hall, sir.

Oh, you'll be
amazed how little food

the human body requires.

I was once trapped
in the Khyber Pass

with a squadron of
the 10th Gurkha Rifles.

They managed to
live for a whole week

on nothing but
curried cartridge belts.

Madras style, of course.

I must say, sir, that
our cartridge belts

are not that tasty.

Yeah, I tried to eat one
the other day for dessert,

and it was awful.

Oh, Wilton. I-I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were busy.

Excuse me.

No man is ever too busy

to talk to a beautiful lady.

Well, I really don't
know what to say.

Don't say anything.

Just stand there
looking beautiful.

Uh... Wrangler Jane,
this is Major Phantom.

No, no, no. "The Phantom Major."

Oh, yes, yes. Major Bently Royce

of the Bengal Lancers.

A living legend.

Well, I'm very happy
to meet you, major.

The pleasure is
mine, I assure you.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I must retire to my quarters.

It's been a long journey.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

I'll show you to your quarters.

May I have the
pleasure of your company

at, uh, tea, memsahib?

Shucks, I guess so.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You will give this to
my orderly, captain.

Till later then.

Shall we?

Cheer ho.

My. Ain't he dashing?

Oh, I don't know.

What's so dashing about him?

Oh.

Oh, Wilton. Wilton,
are you all right?

I'm all right. I'm all right.

[♪♪♪]

Well, it looks like the end
of O'Rourke Enterprises.

And this ain't gonna
help our partners,

the Hekawis, either.

Yeah, well, don't worry, Agarn.

Well...

it's pretty tough to
look after business

when we're running
around the country

eating cartridge belts.

We still got an ace in the hole.

What's that?

He hasn't seen his pupils yet.

Wait till he gets
a load of F Troop.

Then "The Phantom Major"
may disappear altogether.

[♪♪♪]

And I looked up,
and here with this lion,

quivering with irritation. Ooh.

[SCREAMS]

Oh. I'm sorry.

I didn't know she was there.

Agh. Are you all right, Jane?

Uh, yeah. I think so.

A cup of tea will
soothe your nerves.

Oh, thank you. I could use it.

Not you, her.

Captain, sir, the
troop is waiting.

Oh, yes. Yes, sergeant.

Get off. Get your hands off.

You're absolutely mad.

I'll pull the chair for her.

Uh, won't you sit down, my dear?

Captain! They're waiting!

All right, corporal.

Now look what you've done.

Oh. Sorry.

My dear, here. Let me.

[SCOFFS]

I think you better
leave before you kill her.

I'll be right back, Jane.

Don't hurry, Wilton.

Troop, ten-hut!

Shall I be mother?

Right face!

Uh... Those facing
left, right face.

Those facing right, left face.

Uh, face me.

Good work, men.

Don't you think we ought
to give our honored guest

a cannon salute?

Oh. Good idea, sergeant.

Gunners, man your cannon.

Uh, captain.

We'll take care of it for you.

Major Bently Royce,
F Troop salutes you.

Thank you. Carry on, chaps.

PARMENTER: Present... arm.

Fire.

Agarn.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Well... good shot.

[CLAPS SLOWLY]

Jane, I... Here.

Oh, major... I'm sorry.

Captain Parmenter...

I'm leaving.

I'll help you pack.

No, no, no. I'm just going
to replace my tea service.

You mean that you wanna
stay here and train us

after what you just saw?

With the Bently Royce
method of Indian warfare,

I told you I would
make the fort obsolete.

I will now demonstrate how
to make the cannon obsolete.

[♪♪♪]

BENTLY ROYCE: Men of F Troop,

today is your first
field maneuver

in the new style
of Indian fighting.

Phase one: The
art of infiltration

through camouflage.

Tomorrow, we are
going to be reviewed

by my commanding
officer, Colonel Willoughby,

and your inspector
general, Colonel Saunders.

I want to show them

what a crack troop
you have become.

Oh, major. Yes, horse?

Uh, what do we do if
somebody tries to saddle us?

Give him a sharp
kick with your hoof.

With your permission, captain,

I shall take the troop
out for a maneuver.

Uh, permission granted.

Bugler, blow "Assembly."

[BLOWS "ASSEMBLY" POORLY]

Troop, left turn!

That means left face!

By the front... double march!

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

With the captain's
permission, sir,

I'd like to say that Major
Bently Royce is cracking up.

I think they get that way

from riding camels.

Shakes the brains loose.

Yeah, it's embarrassing, sir.

Can't you just see it?

Someday a kid will
turn to his father and say,

"Daddy, what did you
do in the Indian War?"

And the father will say,

"I was a tree stump in F Troop."

Well, men, I'm not too happy

about things myself,

but we have to follow orders.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to get into my
tumbleweed outfit. Huh.

[♪♪♪]

Greetings, great white partners.

Hi, Wild Eagle.

Greetings, chief.

Long time no see.

Listen, we got a little
trouble down at the fort.

If you have trouble,

must remember
wise old Indian saying:

"Bullfrog who sits on lily pad

never do much croaking."

What's so wise about that?

You know wiser saying?

Well, now, listen.

We got some bad news, see?

They sent out this guy to...

Tsk, tsk. Sarge, hold it.

What's the matter?

The tree. It may be listening.

[SNAPS]

O'ROURKE: Come on.

Like I was saying, chief,

we're in trouble, see.

If you two think tree listens,

you in big trouble.

You don't understand.

A couple of days ago, you see,

they sent this
fellow out from...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

All right, Vanderbilt!

I know you're in
there. Come on out!

Do you hear me, Vanderbilt?!

That's an order!

The horse is for
real, I think. Huh.

Why not you two go to
medicine man's tepee,

lie down on cot.

Let's, uh... Let's not
take any chances.

Come on. Step over here.

Now listen, chief...

Hold it, sarge.
What's the matter?

They might be in there.

There.

I go lay down in
medicine man's tepee.

Chief.

All right! Come on out!

Ah! Ow! Ah!

I think you and friend
better give up firewater.

You don't understand.

Now, look, they
sent this man out

to teach us new
ways to fight Indians.

Nothing personal, chief.

We've gotta get rid of him.

Hekawis very happy to help.

Our tribe,

very brave warriors,
except for one thing.

What's that?

We faint a lot.

Well, I have a plan
that I think may work.

Shh. Safer in the tepee, sir.

Uh... You're right. Come on.

Is that you, Duffy?

My name Wild Turkey.

See you at Thanksgiving.

Agarn...

any sign of Wild
Eagle's signal yet?

No, not yet. He'd better hurry.

The inspector general
and that British colonel

are gonna be
here this afternoon.

Uh, chief won't let us
down. You think not?

He needs us as
much as we need him.

Well, I hope you're right.

There it is.

O'ROURKE: Hey, yeah, we're in.

Come on.

As I was strolling through
this Bengalese jungle,

I suddenly came face to face

with this enraged bull elephant.

Looking him firmly in the eye,

I gave the beast a
sharp wrap on the trunk,

and he was mine.

Oh, how exciting.
Wasn't it, Wilton?

Wilton.

Uh. Oh, yeah.

Yes, I... I love tiger stories.

Captain, sir, I think the
Hekawis are on the warpath.

What? What makes you think so?

Smoke signals, sir.

BENTLY ROYCE: By Jove.

I wonder what the
beggars are saying.

Sergeant O'Rourke is the
only one who reads smoke.

Yes, well, they're, uh,
calling in all the braves.

I'm afraid this may
mean trouble, sir.

Maybe we better do
a little scouting, sarge.

You're right. With the
captain's permission.

Right.

Oh, wait a minute, sarge.

With the captain's permission,

maybe Major Bently
Royce would like to test out

his new style of Indian fighting

through the art of infiltration
through camouflage.

Hey, are you loco?

This is not a training maneuver.

I think those Indians
may mean business.

BENTLY ROYCE: Hold on.

I think going out there
is a smashing idea.

Uh, but isn't your colonel
arriving this afternoon

with the inspector general?

I assure you, we'll be
back in plenty of time.

Keep the pot hot, my dear.

I'll get my tree and
be right with you.

I still think you ought to take

a few more men with you
on the scouting, sergeant.

No, we can handle this, captain.

Don't forget, sir.

We've got "The
Phantom Major" with us.

Yes, the living legend.

Well, I'd still
feel a lot better

if you'd at least take
another tree stump.

Don't worry about a thing.

We can handle this very nicely.

All right, let's have it.

Fall in, Agarn.

Here we go.

BENTLY ROYCE: Lead me
to the outskirts of the camp

so I can see what the
beggars are planning.

Go up ahead and reconnoiter.

O'ROURKE: Do what, sir?

Observe the terrain.

Go and see if
there's anybody there.

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

CHIEF: Running Deer,
Crazy Cat, follow me.

We get that tree.

BENTLY ROYCE: Steady on.

Have a care there.

You beastly bounders.

Care for another spot, colonel?

No, no. No, thanks.

Wilton, don't you think

you ought to send
a scouting party

to see what
happened to the major?

You're right.

I'll lead the party myself.

No cause for worrying, old boy.

Good man, Bently Royce.

Yeah, that's right, Parmenter.

This man is a living legend.

That's what he
keeps telling us...

every day.

O'ROURKE: Open the gate.

Oh. Sergeant O'Rourke and

Corporal Agarn reporting, sir.

Where's Major Bently Royce?

Terrible thing happened, sir.

He was captured.

By the Indians?

No, sir, by another tree.

I don't believe it.

Not "The Phantom Major."

Look.

[GROANING]

Wilton. It's a note
from the Hekawis.

The Hekawis? What does it say?

"Old Hekawi saying:

You never can fool
Indian with sap in tree."

A shattering experience.
Felled by another tree.

Well, colonel, that means
we'll have to give up

the idea of infiltration
through camouflage.

PARMENTER: Why don't
you have a cup of tea, major?

It will soothe your nerves.

What time is it?

About 4.

A bit early. Think I should?

Oh, yes, major, good idea.

Look, another smoke signal.

Oh, don't tell me the beggars

are going on the warpath again.

Uh, what does it say,
Sergeant O'Rourke?

Uh, "Please disregard
previous message."

[♪♪♪]

Well, it's sure good to have

O'Rourke Enterprises
back in business.

Yeah, that's fine.

But we gotta get over
to the saloon right away.

I saw a drunk in
there last night.

He really must have been
eating a lot of that minced pie.

JANE: Now, what
were you saying, Wilton?

Really, Jane, they
almost caught us.

[♪♪♪]