F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 4 - Corporal Agarn's Farewell to the Troops - full transcript

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

Five thousand dollars reward.

Sure would be great
for a young couple

startin' out life together,
wouldn't it, Wilton?

Oh, yes. Yes, it would.

Be a perfect wedding gift.



Mm-hm. Why, do you know
somebody who's getting married?

Wilton, sometimes
I could just...

Postman said I
should put this up here.

I'll bring them in, Jane.

I'm not just captain
of Fort Courage.

I'm responsible
for this whole area.

Think maybe I should come
along and get 'em with you, Wilton?

You know, I can
shoot the eyelashes

off a jackrabbit at 200 feet.

Ooh, no. Capturing
bandits, that's man's work.

Uh-uh. Ah, ah.

Just a moment.

This is man's work too.

Uh... Oh, yeah.

Mm.

[♪♪♪]

I don't know what could
be the matter with him, Doc.

I offer him carrots
and... And sugar...

and candy and
everything, but he just...

Well, he doesn't
have any appetite,

doesn't have any pep.

Ah. Well, let me see his feet.

Oh. Lift up his foot there.

All right. Come on, beauty.

Let's see here. Show the doctor.

That's a good girl. Yeah. Mm-hm.

Now. Well?

Now, let me... Let
me see that stomach.

Here we are.

Hm.

Well.

See, try here now.

See if his eye is clear.

Ah-ha. Now, just a minute.

Whoo, now. Take it easy, boy.

Yeah. He's sensitive
around the ears.

I know. I want to see
if he's got any fever.

Oh. It's all right, baby.

All right, now.
Open up his mouth.

Oh. Here.

Sure. Show him your teeth.

Ah-ha.

Yeah. Mm.

Well, yeah. I see. Well...

Listen, could it maybe
be something he ate?

I mean, I gave him the
leftover stew last night.

Well, I'll have to
make some tests,

and I'll give you my
report tomorrow. Oh.

[GROANING]

Ooh.

PARMENTER: Corporal Agarn?

Is that you, Captain Parmenter?

Yes, I heard you were ill.

I thought I'd come see you.

What seems to be the trouble?

I ate some of the leftovers

from the beef stew last night.

You should go see the doctor.

Thank you, captain.
Here, I'll help you up.

Just... Just... Let
me sit here, captain.

Oh, but the doctor can help you.

Nobody can help me.

Oh, no, corporal.
You're just going

to have to pull
yourself together here.

Stand up, stand
up. Atta... [GROANS]

What, what? Where
does it hurt you?

My foot. My foot!

Your foot?

You're standing on my foot.

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But the doctor will know
just what's wrong with you.

Here, come on. We'll go see him.

Just wait'll you see him.

AGARN: I'm sorry, captain. I...

I guess I'm just
an old fuddy-duddy.

PARMENTER: Doctor? Oh, doctor.

A horse doctor?

He's the only
medical man we have.

Oh, hello, captain.

Doctor, we have
a sick soldier here.

Yeah. Really?

Well, what seems
to be the trouble?

Well, I have these pains,

and I can't eat, no pep.

Well, let me see your feet.

Now, lift up your foot.

Lift up your foot.

Ah. Uh-huh.

All right, come
on over here now.

Now... Let me see that stomach.

Hm.

Hm.

Ah. Well, now.

Let's, uh... Let's
see if the eye is clear.

Ah-ha. Ah.

Let me see if you
have any fever.

[WHINNYING] Whoa.

Very sensitive around my ears.

All right, now.
Open up your mouth.

Open up your mouth!

Oh.

Yeah, ooh. I see.

[WHISTLES]

Ah, well. Now.

I'll h... I'll have to
make a few tests,

and I'll let you know tomorrow.

Go take a rest, corporal.

Okay. I'll help him
back to the barracks.

Yeah. Thank you,
doctor. Goodbye.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, corporal.

Don't help anymore, captain.

You've done enough
for me already.

[♪♪♪]

I have these pains
in my stomach,

and I... I get dizzy.

Dizzy? Yeah.

Me best medicine
man in all West.

Soon you feel much better.

Think so?

Mm. Come, see chart.

Heap big picture of tum-tum.

You, oh, bad, bad, bad.

Tum-tum all topsy-turvy.

Can you give me
something for it?

Step into office.

Sit down.

Easy, easy, easy. Oh.

Me do medicine
dance to great spirit.

Soon, you are yourself again.

Kenosabe.

[DRUM BEATING]

Kenosabe.

Keno, Keno.

[GRUNTS]

How your tummy now?

Well, you're a
wonderful dancer, doc.

Don't you have some
medicine I can take?

That come.

You take this.

Take... that?

Kiss of evening breeze,

blended with pollen
of lovely flower

and essence of fine herbs

crossed with mystic
spices of the Hekawis.

Very secret.

Yeah, but what is it?

Marinated corn cob.

Take pinch every three hours

with glass water.

[♪♪♪]

[GROANING]

[GASPING] Hot. Hot.

Hot, hot. Hot!

Well, what do you think, Doc?

Sure like that horse. I...

Well, I'm sorry, sergeant.

I've completed my
tests on the horse,

and the news is not good.

O'ROURKE: What's wrong with him?

Go on. Give it to me
straight, Doc. How bad is he?

DOC: Well, I know how
close you are to him,

and I hate to tell you this.

He's a goner.

[♪♪♪]

O'ROURKE: How long
you reckon he can last?

Oh, could go any minute.

[O'ROURKE SIGHS]

Well, I hate to
suggest this, but...

What do you think?
Maybe it'd help

if I put him out of his misery?

Oh, no. I wouldn't do that.

Let him enjoy his last few days.

You... You'll know
when the end's coming.

His tongue'll turn black,

and his teeth'll get loose.

O'ROURKE: Well, thank you, Doc.

I have to start thinking
about a replacement.

That'll take me
a couple of days.

Ah. I'm sorry. That's all right.

At least now that I know,
I can change my plans.

Well, so long, Doc.

So long.

Well, hello, corporal.
What's the matter with you?

You look like
you've been crying.

I'll be all right.

I'm a soldier.

Give it to me straight,
Doc. What is it?

Nothing at all.
Just relax and...

And stop worrying.

Stop worrying?

Tell me the truth, Doc.

I can take it.

What is it?

You're fine, just like I said.

Just take it easy
and enjoy yourself.

"Enjoy yourself."

[CHUCKLES] "Enjoy yourself."

A man in my condition?

It's all in your mind, son.

There's nothing wrong.

Uh... Here.

An apple a day
keeps the doctor away.

[GIGGLES]

[SOBS]

Eat an apple.

With a black tongue
and loose teeth.

Isn't there anything
in this world

for a man with a
topsy-turvy tum-tum?

Oh. Thank you, Duffy.

Here. You can take care of him.

Be glad to, captain.

DOC: Oh, captain. I, uh...

I'd like to speak to you
about your man, Agarn.

Corporal Agarn?
Yeah, he's not well.

Really? What is it?
He's very nervous.

There's nothing physically
wrong with him, you understand.

But, uh... you should
handle him very carefully.

He's liable to break
down, just go all to pieces.

He imagines he's ill.

Well, uh...

do you think I should
give him a weekend pass?

Mm. Might help.

The best medicine you
could give him is kindness.

Just humor him along.

Well, then, kindness
is the word, doctor.

Don't worry. I'll handle it.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, captain.

That's an order, sergeant.

I want you and everyone
in the troop to treat Agarn

with sympathy and
understanding. Very well, sir.

Make sure he has plenty
of rest, warm milk, fresh fruit.

And be sure he takes
his nap in the afternoon.

Yes, sir.

No matter what he
says, you go along with it.

The key to being
a successful officer

is control in every situation.

Your successful officer is
always in complete control.

Sir.

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Agarn. Got
a surprise for you.

Farewell gift?
Is that it, sarge?

Well, no. It's some
fresh fruit and warm milk.

Yeah. Whoop, whoa. Wait, wait.

Here, why don't you have this

and then... And then take a nap?

That's nice of you, sarge.

You and me, we've had
some good times together.

Yeah, we've made some
pretty sharp business deals.

Remember the time we emptied

the kerosene lamps out of
the inspector general's office?

Yeah. Took 'em into town
and sold it as hair tonic.

You couldn't light a match

near a bald-headed
man for a month.

Listen, you just take it easy.

I'm due over at the 'Kawi camp.

I got a new idea. See,
we'll supply the soap,

and then we'll
sell a combination

peace pipe and bubble pipe.

You can keep my share.

What are you talkin' about?

You and I are partners
to the bitter end.

"The bitter end"?

So long, Agarn.

So long, sarge.

So long, F Troop.

AGARN: It's light blue.

Pretty soon it'll be dark blue.

Then black blue.

And then black
black. And that's it.

Then you get the
parade, the muffled drums,

and 21-gun salute.

What makes you think
you'd get 21 guns?

That's for a president.

Eighteen.

Nah, that's a general.

What does a corporal get?

A three-gun salute.

Maybe.

And a crooked
corporal? He'd get...

[SQUEAKS]

What a way to go,
me, a crooked corporal.

The least I can do is
square myself with the world.

For the sake of Mom, Dad, and...

Aunt Charley.

Dear inspector... general:

I want to... make
a full... confession.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hi there, corporal.
Oh. Hello, Miss Jane.

What's the matter?
You look kind of sad.

Real down in the mouth,

like going to a
funeral or something.

Bye.

Bye.

[♪♪♪]

Cleaning your rifle, sarge?

Yeah.

You don't fool me.

What?

Go ahead, shoot!
Give it to me, right here.

What are you talkin' about?

I heard you talkin' to
the doctor about me.

You said maybe you should
put me out of my misery.

I can't stand the
suspense. Go ahead, shoot!

Talkin' about you?

I know I'm a goner.

I can't stand the
suspense. Shoot.

I don't even need a blindfold.

Just a condemned man's dinner.

Chicken, peas... watermelon.

Wait, hold the peas.
You got candied yams?

Candied yams?

Sure. You wouldn't refuse a man

his last request.

What are you talking
about? Last request?

You got nothing to worry about.

I didn't mention
you in the letter.

Letter? What letter?

I had to do it.

I gotta leave this earth
with a clear conscience.

I told him about all
the deals we made,

and the... The swindles.

But I took the blame,
sarge. I didn't mention you.

I may have black
tongue and loose teeth,

but I got a clear conscience.

Black tongue. Loose teeth.

That was my horse
we were talking about.

Your horse? What do
you mean, your horse?

The vet said my
horse is very sick.

He hasn't got a chance.
Now, what about the letter?

What about me? You're fine.

There's nothing wrong
with you. You're fine.

But what about the letter?

I'm fine?

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]

I'm fine. Oh, that's
marvelous for me!

Very bad for the horse.

Never mind the horse.

What about the letter?

Oh, the letter's all right.

I just mailed it to
the inspector general.

BOTH: The inspector general?

[GROWLS]

[♪♪♪]

I'll keep an eye out.
You see if you can get

the letter out of the bag.

[TRAP SNAPS]

[SCREAMING]

Sarge, look at that.

Hey, that's my new possum trap.

Just ordered it
from Carson City.

Beautiful, isn't it?

It hurts, but it's beautiful.

Agarn just put
a letter in there,

and we forgot to
put a stamp on it.

Oh. Well, this here's
the incoming mail.

Oh?

Outgoing mail just left.

Lucky for you,

they took your letter
without a stamp.

Ah.

Yeah. Lucky.

I wish I was dead.

Are you sure there's
nothing wrong with me?

No, but there will be
if the inspector general

ever gets ahold of that letter.

Yeah. We'll be on that poster.

That's it.

What's it? What's what?
What's? Who? What?

We'll become the
Colton Brothers.

We'll stick up the mails.

Stick up the U.S. mails?

Just to get the letter back.

We'll put on masks,
and no one'll know it's us.

They'll think it's
the Colton Boys.

Do you know the penalty

for robbing the U.S.
mail is 10 years?

We're not robbing the mails.

It's your own letter
we're going to get back.

I mean, what can they do to you?

[♪♪♪]

[SOBBING]

PARMENTER: One month
ago, the Colton Brothers

held up the mail at
Brimstone Canyon.

Now, one week ago,
the Colton Brothers

held up the mail
at Arroyo Gulch.

Now, I figure
they'll strike next

right around Coldwater.

Does that give you an idea?

Yes, sir. I win.

Look. Dobbs, all
I was trying to do

is point out that there
is a pattern to what

the Colton Brothers are doing.

Now, all we have to do is head

for Coldwater
Canyon and grab them.

So let's mount
our horses and go.

I'll get my bugle.

[♪♪♪]

[YELLS]

Oh, Dobbs.

[♪♪♪]

What time do we pass
through Coldwater Canyon?

Are we on schedule?

Oh, I've got to be in today
at 9:00 in the morning.

I'm gettin' married
there tomorrow.

[♪♪♪]

That stagecoach will
be here any minute, Bob.

Let's put on the masks.

Right, Bill.

I'll get the mailbag,
and I'll throw it to you.

When I say, "Follow
me," we ride away.

I got it. Right.

[♪♪♪]

Now, listen,

that stage is gonna be here
any minute. Put your mask on.

You remember, now.
When I get the mail sack

and throw it down to you,
and holler, "Follow me,"

we ride out, all right?

Ah. Hey.

[GUNSHOTS]

Hold that coach!

Give me that mailbag.

Here, Bob.

I'm not Bob.

Neither am I.

Here, give me that.

What are you doing
over there, Bob?

I'm not Bob. BOB:
That's right, Bill.

He's not Bob. I'm Bob.

Who is he? I
thought that was you.

That's not me. I'm me! He's him.

What's happening out there?

Give that bag to Bob!

I got these two guys covered.

Take off, Bob.

Oh, don't you touch that bag.

My weddin' invitations is in it!

What are you, a wise guy?

Why didn't you
give that bag to Bob?

Well, I thought he was Bob.

Didn't you think he was Bob?

I wish you'd make up
your mind who's Bob

so I can get out of
here. I'm late already.

And I may be late for
my own honeymoon.

Why don't you shut
up, you old crow?

I'm not an old crow.
I'm an engaged woman!

You fresh thing.

Go on with your robbery
so we can get outta here.

I'm Captain Parmenter
of the United States Army,

and I've got you surrounded.

I knew you'd be here, Coltons.

All right, get going.

Oh, no, not me!

I don't want that,
it's stolen property.

Captain, how come
there's four of 'em?

They must be
trying to confuse us.

Well, we'll just have
to arrest them all.

That belongs to the
United States Post Office.

Give me that.

Here. Dobbs, head for the fort.

All right, you're
all under arrest.

Now, let's ride.

Ha! Come on.

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOTS]

[MEN SPURRING HORSES]

[GUNSHOTS]

Look at that. Wilton
caught the Coltons.

Yeah.

All right, throw down your guns.

Throw down your
guns. Put up your hands.

All right. Give me
that mail bag, Dobbs.

Sergeant O'Rourke.

Corporal Agarn.

Well, yes, sir. We
went underground, sir.

Hoping, like you, to
capture the Coltons.

You did? AGARN:
But it was you, sir,

who decoyed them into the fort.

O'ROURKE: A brilliant move, sir.

A stroke of genius.

Oh, yes. Planting
that fake pay envelope

as a decoy, sir. Oh, clever.

Clever. Very clever, sir. Yes.

Oh, Wilton, you've
captured the Coltons.

You know, you're the bravest man

in the whole world.

Please... Please, I'm on duty.

So, what was that
about an envelope?

Now, don't be modest, captain.

Did I say "captain"?

Oh, sir. I beg your pardon.

At this rate, it will
soon be general.

Shall I take the prisoners
to the guardhouse, general?

"General." I keep
making that mistake.

Oh, no, no, no. I can
handle this situation.

Left!

No, now. R-Right
face! Forward, huh!

[COUGHS]

I'll see you later, Janey.

Wilton?

Oh, Wilton.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Poor horse.

Couldn't sleep all night.

I brought him an apple, but...

I'm afraid it's too late.

I know just how he feels.

I got my pains too.

Mm? Where?

Well, they start up
here in my head.

Then they work
themselves around here...

What? And come out here.

What? What's that stuff?

This?

[IMITATING ROARING CHICKEN]
This kiss of evening breeze,

blended with pollen
of beautiful flower

and essence of fine herbs,

crossed with mystic
spices of the Hekawi.

Very secret.

[CHUCKLES]

Marinated corn cob.

Marinated...

Marinated corn cob.

[♪♪♪]

Agarn! You've cured him!

Wh...

Oh, sarge!

[GIGGLING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]