F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 2 - Don't Look Now, One of Our Cannon Is Missing - full transcript

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Ah, you're smiling, Wild Eagle.

Now, you gotta look vicious.

Come on, give us that
famous Hekawi war look.

Hekawi not fighters. We lovers.



Why we always lose in picture?

Because we couldn't
sell 'em otherwise.

Let Indian win once.

It make good novelty souvenir.

Yeah. Listen, Wild Eagle,

those tomahawks and peace
pipes you're making for us

are not selling at all.

Hold it.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Not understand.

Make-um unbreakable
tomahawk, 90-moon guarantee.

Well, I don't know,
but they're not moving.

Now, the blankets are
fine. Everybody loves them.

So we're gonna need some
more. I'd say about, uh, two dozen.

No, no, birds complain they
work last three weekends.

If we don't get 'em,
we'll lose the season.

They make great
gifts for Thanksgiving.

We not celebrate Thanksgivin'.

We celebrate Mishaguna
festival, festival of moon.

Festival, huh. What do you need?
Some toothpicks, extra plates?

We give you more blankets.

You give us something.
We're partners.

You get half the
profits on the blankets.

Much wampum.

Not want profits this time.

Want something more important.

Chief, you name
it and you got it.

Our cannon?

Wild Eagle wants us
to give him our cannon?

Not give. Lend, lend.

They just need it for one
night for their moon festival.

That's the only cannon we have.

If Captain Parmenter
sees it missing...

How's he gonna find out?

We'll take it out after retreat,

bring it back in the
morning before reveille.

But the cannon's
the best protection

we have against the Shugs.

What if they attack tonight?

They haven't
attacked for months.

Now, listen.

Giving an Indian a cannon
is practically treason,

I won't have anything
to do with that.

All right, go on,
walk out on me.

Just forget that
I saved your life.

Hell, I'll get somebody
else to help me.

Maybe a stranger.

He'd do more for me than
a long and trusted friend.

And who put that
tourniquet on your leg

the day the rattlesnake bit you?

And who jumped in the
day you fell off your horse

crossing the river, huh?

And who threw the surprise
birthday party for you?

I'm a rat, a dirty,
ungrateful rat.

What time do we move the cannon?

Right after retreat.

What about Captain Parmenter?

Don't worry. I'll
take care of him.

If he ever sees the
cannon... He won't.

[HOOVES CLOPPING]

[♪♪♪]

He's gonna be very
busy, very busy.

Hi, fellas.

Wrangler, got a minute?

What is it?

Well, I'm not supposed
to tell you this,

but it's about
Captain Parmenter.

Wilton?

Poor Wilton.

You know the story of
John Alden and Priscilla.

Yes, it's a beautiful story,

but what's it got to do with us?

Well, it's about this
man that was too bashful

to court the girl he loved.

I know, but what's
it got to do with us?

Well... Now, look.

Don't ever tell
him I told you this,

but the captain wants
to have dinner with you,

and he's... He's
too shy to ask you.

Oh, I'd like that too.

Uh, would you say,

at the trading post
after retreat tonight?

All right, I'll meet him there.

Good girl, Wrangler.

I feel like Cupid shooting
little arrows into her heart.

Yeah. Well, if we don't
get Captain Parmenter

over to that
trading post tonight,

the Hekawis are gonna
be shooting little arrows

into your britches.

We picked these
for her, captain.

She'll love 'em.

Give 'em to her at dinnertime.

Well, are you sure she really
wants to have dinner with me?

Captain, didn't you
ever hear the story

of John Alden and Priscilla?

Yes, but what's that
got to do with me?

Well, it's a story of a
man who was too shy

to court the girl he loved.

Oh, then you're John Alden,
and she's Miles Standish?

Wait a minute. Doesn't
that make me Priscilla?

Captain, please, just
answer the call of love.

Answer it with flowers.

Gentlemen, the call
of duty comes first.

Sound retreat.

All right. Fall in!

Retreat.

Captain, I can't
play "Retreat" yet.

Well, I thought you've
been taking lessons.

Well, I have. I
learned to play "Dixie."

That's a Confederate song.

Where did you learn that?

Well, I think my
teacher's from Georgia.

Well, do the best you can.

Yes, sir.

[TOOTS]

Fire.

It's good we only
do this twice a day.

[WEEPING]

Brave. That's
what he was, brave.

Young. Oh, so, so young.

Duffy, show a little respect.

Take off your hat.

Yes, sir.

He and that horse
practically grew up together.

I should write a
letter to Lincoln.

That's what I'll do.

A letter to Lincoln.

Shut up. We're outside.

[♪♪♪]

O'ROURKE: Hyah.
Whoa, right there.

Whoa.

Now, stand still.

All right, move them out.

Well, there's your
cannon, chief.

Now you owe me
two dozen blankets.

Just one minute.

We've been stuck before
by fast-talkin' pale face.

I tell you, boys, this
is the real cannon.

It works perfectly.

Me see first.

If not good, me sue.

Oh, me not Sioux. Me Hekawi.

Me... Me made funny.

[CHUCKLING]

Isn't this romantic? Mmm.

Yes, it's like that John
Alden and Miles Standish...

Uh, John Alden and Priscilla.

We do moon dance.

Cloud over face of moon.

We shoot cannon at the clouds.

Rocka, mocka, micka, rooma.

[JINGLES]

Cutum speeches. Bring on squaws.

Squaws.

Join party.

Oh, Wilton, you're so sweet...

and so thoughtful...

and so kind.

[CANNON FIRES]

Did you feel that?

Somewhere between
thoughtful and kind,

I think the earth moved.

I do thank you for
that compliment,

but you deserve
most of the credit.

Wilton Parmenter,
you're a kissin' bearcat.

Come on, now, pucker up.

Yahoo.

Careful, now. You'll
bend my saber.

[JINGLING]

Keep party going.

You say magic words.

Me fire cannon.

[SPEAKING IN NATIVE TONGUE]

Make a boom-boom.

Make a boom-boom.

Wilton, you sure don't kiss
like a boy from Philadelphia.

[CANNON FIRES]

Did you feel that?

Feel it? My toes
are still tingling.

[DRUMS BEATING]

Make another boom-boom.

Another boom-boom?

Yes, make one more boom-boom.

Clouds still cover moon.

You make it.

Me no dance.

Me sit this one out.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Boom-boom.

Good night, Jane.

Good night, Wilton.

[CANNON FIRES]

Oh, Wilton, you're
making history tonight.

Good night, Jane.

[♪♪♪]

Wild Eagle, we gotta
have this cannon right now.

No, you not take. We
have business agreement.

You take cannon back. You
give me two dozen blankets.

I sold 'em.

Then we keep cannon.

Look, if the captain finds
it's missing, we're gonna...

Not touch cannon.

We keep for moon festival.

O'ROURKE: You've
had your festival.

No, cloud cover moon.

How we have moon
festival without moon?

What if the Shugs attack us.

Then use bow and
arrow like Indian do.

Make contest even.

We keep cannon
till moon come out.

We cannot go back
without this cannon.

Then not go back.

Get feathers,
blanket, join tribes.

This cannon is
government property.

Fun is fun, Wild Eagle.
Give us back the cannon.

It's almost time for reveille.

You get cannon
after we see moon.

Wild Eagle, we are
gonna be court-martialed.

Court-martial?

Why'd you have to save my life?

Next time I'm drowning,
mind your own business.

Hey, Dobbs, wake up.

Huh?

Better blow reveille.

Oh.

[BLOWS TRUMPET SLOPPILY]

[BLOWS REVEILLE]

[YELLS]

AGARN: F Troop all
present and accounted for, sir.

Excellent, corporal.

You may fire the cannon.

Where's our cannon?

Uh, well, sir, you see, sir,

we, uh, sent the
cannon away, sir.

To have the bore flaminized
and the barrel glominated

and polished and refurbished.

Oh, how long will that take?

I should think
about a week, sir.

Here comes Colonel
Donnely, sergeant.

Who?

Ah, he's from the inspector
general's office, sir.

[♪♪♪]

Captain Parmenter?

Yes, sir.

General Ulysses S.
Grant's compliments, sir.

The general is on an
inspection tour in this area.

He'll be here by noon tomorrow.

Yes, colonel.

I expect Fort Courage

to be in tiptop condition.

Yes, sir.

I'll also expect the customary
18-gun salute for the general.

Where is your cannon, captain?

Cannon?

Oh, oh. We sent
the cannon out, sir.

We're having the bore framenized

and the barrel glominated

with polishing and refurbishing.

What?

What are you talking
about, captain?

We sent the cannon
to be repaired, sir,

so that it would be
in first-class condition

for the general's visit.

And how did you know the
general was going to visit?

Well, we have scouts, sir.
We have scouts everywhere.

Well, that cannon
better be back here

and in perfect shape
for General Grant's visit

by noon tomorrow.

[♪♪♪]

If he wants that cannon
back by tomorrow at noon,

maybe, we'd better
skip the framenizing

and just glominate it.

[♪♪♪]

I'm telling you, sarge,

if General Grant shows up here
and sees they've got our cannon,

he'll wipe out Fort Courage,
F troop and the Hekawis.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

What are you doing?

Ha. Oh, perfect, perfect.

I salute you, General Grant.

Are you joking?

Do you know the penalty
for impersonating a general?

Do you know the penalty
for giving a cannon,

U.S. government
property, to the Indians?

I don't wanna do it.

All right. I'll get a
stranger to help me.

He'd do more for me than
an old and trusted friend.

Forget the tourniquet
that I put on your leg

when the rattlesnake bit you.
When the rattle snake bit you.

BOTH: And who jump in the
river when you fell off the horse?

And who threw
the surprise party?

All right.

What time will my
beard be ready?

Saddle your horse, sergeant.

We're going to the gunsmith
to fetch back our cannon.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir,

but I have to report a
most unfortunate incident.

Oh, what's that, sergeant?

Well, Agarn was on his way
to fetch back our cannon. Yes?

Sneak attack by
the Hekawis, sir.

They overpowered him
and stole our cannon.

Really?

Seven of them
with tomahawks, sir.

He's badly hurt.

Then we'll accept the challenge.

Sound the bugle. We'll attack.

Do you really wanna
let blood shed, sir?

It's hardly worth it.

I mean, he's
going to be all right.

Well, I... We
could negotiate, sir.

Go over there
under a flag of truce

and bring back our
cannon peacefully.

I think we should attack.

Sir, you are already known
as the Scourge of the West.

Now, if you were to become
known as the Great Peacemaker...

Just imagine if Washington
were to hear of that,

it could be Colonel
Parmenter, sir.

Do you really think so?

I do indeed, Colonel Parmenter.

I'll go see the
Hekawis right now.

I think you'd better
let me go first, sir.

What, ahead of me?

You know how
hostile they can be.

There may be snipers.

I mean, we can spare sergeants,

but hardly a man
who's on his way

to becoming... a colonel.

Dobbs, Dobbs.

Where's our truce flag?
Where's our truce flag?

We're gonna go get our
cannon back from the Hekawis.

General Grant is coming,
and we have to have everything

like the inspector
general said, tiptop.

Are you sure we
should go over there, sir?

I mean, there'll only
be a handful of us.

Only a handful?

What of it?

Have you forgotten, Dobbs?

They refer to me as
the Scourge of the West.

Oh, captain.

Now, listen.

The captain's gonna
be here any minute.

Remember that you're
supposed to be hostile.

Hostile? Right.

What is hostile?

Unfriendly. No friends.

Why you always make us bad?

I keep telling you,
Hekawis not fighters.

Lovers, lovers.

And don't say anything
about the blankets.

He's pretty mad about
you keeping that cannon.

WILD EAGLE: We
not give cannon back.

O'ROURKE: I advise you to
give it back. Tell you one thing,

General Grant is in the
area, and if he ever finds out

about this and comes over here.

Ho-ho. Look out.

PARMENTER: We bring
greetings to brave Hekawis.

We come in peace.

Quite friendly.

[SLOWLY] Chief Wild
Eagle, you have our cannon.

We want cannon back.

No, we keep cannon.

Need cannon for festival.

You give us cannon.
We give you many things.

We trade.

What you trade?

First, we offer you
magic fire stick. Look.

Thank you.

Ooh.

You very funny.

We got 100 boxes
of magic fire sticks.

What you think, we
rub sticks together?

Sorry about that.

Well, now, we offer
you magic tick-tock.

Listen. Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Tick-tock.

You take one.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Here, here...

It does have a better
sound than mine.

Now, we offer
you... rare delicacy.

Small, round, white, tasty...

Fruit of chicken.

Egg.

You give egg for cannon?

Captain, we don't seem to
be having very much luck.

Perhaps, we ought to try...

I will not give up.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Captain, sir.

Can it be?

Yes, it is, sir. Yes, it is.

General Grant.

What's he doing here? Now?

Probably heard about
this from one of his scouts.

He's got them everywhere.

At ease.

So.

You are Captain
Wilton Parmenter.

At your service, sir.

Well, I bring regard from the
president and Mrs. Lincoln.

Had lunch with them at
the White House yesterday.

You were in
Washington yesterday?

Been riding ever since.

Forty-six hours in the saddle.

Lucky the wind was with me.

General, we seem to
have a problem here, sir.

Problem, problem?

Yes, the Hekawis
have borrowed...

Er, appropriated our cannon,

and they won't
give it back, sir.

Outrageous.

PARMENTER: Yes, well, I
came here to negotiate, sir,

and try to get it back,
but so far no luck.

General, I thought, perhaps,
you might speak to the Hekawis.

Yes. Yes, I will.

Funny thing happened to
me on the way to Appomattox.

Bob and I... That's General Lee.

Sippin' some sauce.

Like cranberry sauce?

[LAUGHING]

Very good. You're a...

What's your name
again, boy? I forgot.

Wil... Wilton Parmenter.

Wilton Par... Well, I
like you, Parmenter.

Like you like your saber.

O'ROURKE: General.

The cannon.

Hekawi greet
great white general.

And we greetum Hekawi.

Love 'em all. Love 'em all.

You got our cannon, boy,
and you better give it back.

We not gonna give nothing back.

We talk, negotiate,
without shouting.

No talk.

I'm a man of action.
Big winner at Gettysburg.

Give that cannon back right now.

Now, general, watch your temper.

Yeah. Tell 'em about it.

He has a terrible
time with his temper.

You not take cannon.

Keep cannon here till festival.

Till moon come.

Then festival over.

No, wait!

You give us that
cannon right now.

I want my 18-gun salute.

[SLAP] Not touch cannon.

Spoil moon festival.

O'ROURKE: General, don't you
think that you ought to warn the chief

what he's up against.

Your troops, sir.

My what?

Your troops, over by the hill.

Oh, yes.

I have 3000 troops by that hill.

You see those shrubs and trees?

Every one of them is a soldier.

You ever heard of
camouflage, chief?

Well, it's up to you if you
wanna have your tribe wiped out

by 3000 trees... Uh, soldiers.

WILD EAGLE: I not see soldiers.

You see soldiers by hill?

I not see hill.

It's up to you.

You'll see the soldiers.

Are you ready?

When I count three,

I want all of you
trees to charge.

O'ROURKE: Oh,
now you've done it.

You've made him mad.

He'll wipe you out.

I not give up cannon.

I not see soldiers.

Number one tree, fire.

[GUNSHOT]

Listen, it's only a cannon.

Move the cannon to Fort Courage.

Farewell, Roaring Chicken.

Farewell, Wild Eagle.

Captain Parmenter,
you have your cannon.

[♪♪♪]

Farewell, Hekawis,
fine feathered friends.

Peace be with you.

Or we'll wipe you out.

Fake.

Cheat.

Indian giver!

[MILITARY DRUMMING]

I know you did it for
the good of the troop,

but if you ever do it again...

But we did it for you, sir.

We wanted you to be colonel.

General Grant is
approaching, sir.

Dobbs. Dobbs, sound the bugle.

Welcome General Grant.

What should I play, sir?

Play, um, "Battle
Hymn of the Republic."

I don't know the one, but
if you hum a few bars...

Hum a few...?

[HUMMING "BEAUTIFUL DREAMER"]

Sir, ain't that
"Beautiful Dreamer"?

[HUMS]

You're right.

Don't play that.
Play something else.

[PLAYS "YANKEE DOODLE"]

Welcome to Fort
Courage, General Grant.

Corporal, fire the salute.

He'll never look natural now...

without an arrow
through his hat.

I should have been firmer
with Sergeant O'Rourke.

Wilton, there may be a big,
fat ol' moon out again tonight.

Corporal Agarn too.
Impersonating an officer.

A general.

We should have us
another picnic supper.

Why, I should have
thrown the book at them.

Well, I mean, shucks,
there's nothing so much fun

as a little old picnic.

Any other fort commander
would have court-martialed them

just like that.

A picnic like we had before?

Of course, they did do it
for the good of the troop.

Just a little picnic?

Well, one thing's for sure.

After the lecture I gave
them, it'll be a long time before

either of them gets
out of the line again.

O'ROURKE: Oh,
yeah. Looks good to me.

What do we call it?
Uh... How 'bout...?

How 'bout The End of the Trail?

This'll make a
great calendar item.

I got better idea.

Oh, what's that?

This bigger seller than blanket.

[♪♪♪]