F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 28 - Too Many Cooks Spoil the Troop - full transcript

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪



♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Shall I clean the
table off now, sir?

No, not now, Dobbs.

Thank you.

Well, I hope the meal
was satisfactory, major.

My company cook,
Private Smathers,

isn't much, but
he's all we have.

Oh, it's passable,
captain, passable.



Actually, it's...
Well, it's better

than anything I've had
in the past few weeks.

Oh, really?

I thought you had a
good cook, Major Duncan?

Yes, I did. But, uh...

Colonel Heinz took him from me.

Oh, and, uh, by the
way, I'm taking yours.

Oh...

Shall I clean
off the floor, sir?

Yes, yes, do that, Dobbs.

Look, major, you can't
take another one of my men.

In your last three
trips through here,

you took my quartermaster

and my... My clerk
and my blacksmith.

Hm, yeah.

And what's to
prevent me, captain?

The manual. The manual, sir.

I'll show you.
It's... It's right...

Wait, wait, wait.

It's right here in the
manual on page... 48.

Ah.

"No company cook may be
removed, transferred, commandeered

"or displaced
from a fort or base

without a requisition order."

Mm-hm. Yes.

Well, that's very
easily solved, captain.

I hereby requisition your cook.

And that's an order.

I'll tell Cookie to pack up.

No need, no need.

He's all ready and
waiting, mounted outside.

Bye-bye, captain.

He did it again, Dobbs.

And so did I.

Let me get that for you, sir.

Hello there, captain.

Well, I see he snuck
up on you again, sir.

Good afternoon, sergeant.

Are you sure Chief
Wild Eagle sent this over

in the spirit of good will?

Oh, yes. The Indians
say that a bearskin rug

in the teepee
brings good luck, sir.

Except to the bear, of course.

Oh, Dobbs.

Will you go find Corporal Agarn

and tell him I want him
over here on the double.

Okay, sergeant.

Well, I just saw Major Duncan
riding off with, uh, Cookie.

Oh, yes, yes.

Major Duncan pulled rank again.

Oh. Now I'll have to write

the territorial commander's
office for a replacement.

Whoa, no, you won't
have to do that, sir.

We have got one
of the best cooks

in the cavalry right
here at Fort Courage.

Corporal Agarn.

Corporal Agarn?

I don't remember seeing
anything in his record

about Agarn being a good cook.

Well, you know how modest he is.

Oh, I don't know, sergeant, I...

But I do know, if it
wasn't for Major Duncan,

I wouldn't be in this fix.

Sarge!

Don't move,
captain. I'll get it.

No, no! Whoa! Don't, Agarn!

This is the bearskin
that Wild Eagle sent over.

There's an old
Indian saying, sir:

Never kick a gift
bear in the mouth.

What you want me for, sarge?

Oh, yeah. I was just
telling the captain

about you being the
best cook in the cavalry.

I'm what?

Best cook west
of St. Louis, sir.

I'm sure that you'll find him

the perfect
replacement for Cookie.

For Cookie?

Well, we need a
cook with experience.

Experience?

Have you ever been in a
mess hall at Fort Danger, sir?

No, I don't believe so.

Agarn, here, is the
man responsible

for all that good food, sir.

He was very popular, sir.

All the wagon drivers
used to stop there.

Everyone loved my
General Custer special.

Oh, I don't believe
I've ever heard of it.

It was a beauty.

Ham on white,
surrounded by Indian nuts.

Oh, I remember that one.

Well, all right, sergeant,
we have no choice.

We'll give Corporal Agarn a try.

Thank you, captain.

I hope you'll have a
surprise for the men

at the evening meal, Agarn.

Oh, they'll be
surprised all right, sir.

All right, sarge,
what's the big idea?

You know I'm a lousy cook.

It takes me 30 minutes
to boil a three-minute egg.

Why do you think they
invented cookbooks for?

Come here.

Listen, this is a perfect setup.

With you as Cookie, you'll be
in charge of buying the supplies.

So? So we order
more than we need.

We use some at the saloon,

we sell the rest to the Hekawis.

Beautiful.

Sarge, I gotta hand it to ya.

When it comes to being shifty
and sneaky and double dealing,

you're the tops.

Ah, thanks, Agarn,

but there's always
room for improvement.

I'm ready for your
meat order, Wild Eagle.

This more important.

Wild Eagle head of Happy
Time Council for powwow.

Have to hear one
more funny storyteller.

From far-off Catskill Mountains,
him called Standup Bull.

How.

Funny thing happened to
me on way to Hekawi camp.

Ran into big buffalo.

Turned out to be
my mother-in-law. Ha!

Uh, speaking of my family,

take my squaw, please.

Uh, but seriously, tribe,
about my brother-in-law.

Him not lazy.

Him too light for heavy work

and him too heavy
for light work. Ha!

Laugh up, laugh up,
these are the stories.

What this, audience
or war council?

I know you're out there.
Hear you ughing. Ha!

About my squaw, she very neat.

I get up in dark of
night for bowl of water.

When I come back,
my buffalo skin is made.

Wa-wa-wa-wa. Wa-wa-wee-wa.

Enough, Standup Bull.

Don't signal us, we signal you.

You were about to give
us your meat order, chief.

I suppose you'll want the
usual antelope, bear, buffalo.

I like side of beef.

How you like side of hand?

Wild Eagle do ordering here.

One side of beef.

Right, chief.

How about some nice squab?

Maybe six.

Half a dozen
skinny little chickens.

Agarn good man,
O'Rourke, but have no class.

Yeah, well, if that's
all, Wild Eagle,

I guess we'll settle the bill.

I pay you $24 and
a handful of beads.

Now, wait a minute.
You're out of line.

Seem fair to me.

You people buy entire island
of Manhattan for same price.

Oh, it was a lousy deal, chief.

In a hundred years, they
won't get a nickel for that place.

Oh, white man very
smart about real estate.

Remember when
you first come here?

This once entire
Hekawi territory.

Then you made treaty.

We divide land.

This part you get,
this part we get.

See? Indian always
get short end of stick.

Well, Wrangler, I
think that's everything.

Plus the 50 pounds of flour,
the eight cases of wine...

Oh, yeah. I wanna order a
side of beef and six squabs.

Squabs?

You know, them
skinny little chickens.

I know what they are, O'Rourke.

It's just that F Troop
never ordered them

kind of supplies before.

Yeah, well, Agarn's
a great cook.

He makes all them fancy dishes.

Agarn? Since when?

Hey, you finished
over there, Agarn?

Please, sarge, don't rush me.

I've only got two hands.

All right, but hurry it up.

I'll wait for you outside.

Wrangler, you better keep an
eye on these shopping wagons.

I saw one in the Hekawi camp,

and a scout reported
two on top of Pike's Peak.

Well, I'll go around later and
pick 'em up in my buckboard.

Muskmelon.

Where ever did you
get these, Janey?

I didn't know they
were in season.

Oh, very good, sergeant. Ah!

You got supplies
for the entire month.

No, no, this is just
for one week, sir.

Oh, yes. Agarn is a great cook.

Oh-ho, are the men
gonna be surprised

at the dinner he's
fixin' for 'em tonight.

My mouth watered
just to think about it.

Yes, sir.

Do you mind if I
sneak an orange?

No, they just cost... I mean...

Help yourself, sir.

Anything else you need?

Cookbook.

There you go.

Thank you, Janey.

Corporal.

Don't spoil your
appetite, captain.

Hi, Jane. Hi, Wilton.

I see you've got
some sliced peaches.

I'll take a can.

Careful, Wilton.

Oh! Yeah, of course.

Well, how's it going, Agarn?

Oh, I'm tryin',
sarge, I'm tryin'.

But there's one
thing I can't figure out.

Hey, what's this you're making?

That's what I can't figure out.

The cookbook
says it's oxtail soup.

Yeah, well, it looks to
me like it's too much oxtail

and not enough soup.

Oh. Sergeant O'Rourke,
I'm glad you're here.

I've just been going
over this list of supplies

you bought from Wrangler Jane.

There are some
awfully fancy items.

Oh, for a great cook
like Agarn here, he...

He needs special supplies, sir.

Well... No, if Corporal
Agarn is such a great cook,

why does he need a cookbook?

Uh... Cook...

It's not for me,
captain. It's...

It's for the fire.

There's an old saying
among the great cooks

that a cookbook in the fire

adds a certain something special

to the meal.

Beautifully put.

W-well, maybe you can
explain this item to me.

Thirty geese?

Oh, yes. Well,
that's for a new dish

that he's preparing
in your honor, sir.

It's called, uh, Stuffed
Goose Parmenter.

Oh... that sounds very nice.

What do you stuff
the goose with?

What do I stuff it wi...
Another goose, sir.

That's why we need so many.

Please, please,
please, everybody out.

Too many people
poking around my kitchen.

Everybody out, out, out!
He's very temperamental, sir.

Yes, I suppose that goes
with being a great chef.

Yes. Well, I-I'll...
I'm leaving now,

but I'll be back later to
join the men for chow.

Wha...? Did you hear that?

He's going to have
dinner with us tonight.

What an honor.

The captain's
stomach... in my hands.

He's looking forward to it, sir,
but we'd better leave him alone.

Yech!

Hey, Agarn.

What is this?

What does it look like, Duffy?

Looks like a recipe for
corned beef and cabbage.

You'll be getting it tomorrow.

If I live that long.

Hey, Agarn,

I don't think I can
get through this.

Now, don't bug me, Vanderbilt.
This is a balanced meal.

Yes, it is. These biscuits weigh
as much as the main course.

We can't eat this stuff, Agarn.

Agarn, you are no cook.

How about some good chow?

Yeah, we want a
cook around here.

You want us to lose weight?

They're gettin' restless, sarge.

I'll handle this. Now, listen.

Captain Parmenter is comin'
here to have dinner with us,

and you're going to enjoy
that food if it kills you.

It probably will.
Oh, I'll say, I...

And I'll tell you another thing.

The next one of ya
that opens his mouth

without puttin' food in it,

is gonna get a very
fast transfer to G Troop,

in the heart of
Apache territory.

Ten-hut!

Carry on, men.

Carry on.

I'm just here for dinner.

If you don't mind, corporal,

I'd like to sample a little
bit of your great cooking.

It's a little rich
for me, I guess.

It almost... tastes as if
there's an old boot in there.

Sarge, I only took 'em off

'cause I've been
on my feet all day.

And the men like this, sergeant?

Oh, yes, sir. They
love it. Ha-ha.

All right, men,
time for seconds.

I said, time for seconds.

They do seem to enjoy it.

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, by the way,

I was checking
through the manual,

and I assume the
meals will conform

to these military standards.

What are the standards, captain?

One, the meal
should be nourishing.

Oh, they're
nourishing, all right.

Two, they should contain
the proper vitamins.

Oh, plenty of vitamins, captain.

Uh, three, they
should taste good.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Kill the cook! Kill the cook!

Kill the cook! Kill the cook!

Kill the cook! Kill the cook!

It's only been a week.
Give a guy a chance.

Kill the cook!

All right, simmer
down, you guys.

I said, simmer down!

Want the captain to hear ya?

What's up, Agarn?

Sarge, I'm about
ready to turn in my ladle.

I... I can't take it anymore.

They hate my cooking.

Maybe you'd all like to
transfer to G Troop, huh?

Share your lunch
with the Apaches.

Oh, yes, and there
are some openings

up at H Troop in
the Dakota territory.

'Course, they're not
eating much up there

because the snow
is over their heads!

Now... if any of you have got

a legitimate
complaint, sound off.

This steak is tougher
than my saddlebag.

I've see mud that'll pour
easier than this coffee.

I had to soften these
potatoes with my rifle butt.

Sarge, we gotta
have a decent meal.

And we're just wasting
away to nothing.

That does it, sarge!

Slaving over a
hot stove all week,

working my fingers
to the bone, and...

this is the thanks I get? I...

I could just cry.

All right, all right. I'll
make a deal with you.

I'll get somebody
to cook for Agarn.

How's that?

That's fine.

But if you can't, get
somebody to eat for us.

Not bad.

Halt!

Do not throw on ground.

Hey, Sparrow Eye.

Throw in there.

Sparrow Eye, you missed
pieces of cloth and bark.

Hekawi try to keep
America clean.

Oh, whose idea was that?

Squaw Bird.

Crazy Cat's a pretty good cook.

Even though he
does cook Indian style.

Why not? Crazy Cat is Indian.

Well, you're right.

All right, it's settled, then.

Crazy Cat'll cook at the fort.

Not interested.

Maybe you interested in fat lip.

Only chief make decisions,
and that job not open yet.

Can't blame brave for trying.

I'll pay you $10 a week for him.

Make it $11. Add 10
percent for bad treaty.

Come on, Crazy Cat.

Hey, Crazy Cat.

I'll have some more of that
chicken hawk with wine sauce.

Pretty good meal, huh, Duffy?

After choking down that
stuff Agarn dished out,

anything would taste good.

Kick a man when
he's down, eh, Duffy?

Easy, Cat.

Take it easy on that wine.

You never cooked with it before.

Why? Troopers like it.

Cheers.

Agarn, pluck two
more chicken hawks,

look at cornbread in stove

and clear the plates from table.

Don't push me
too far, Crazy Cat.

This kitchen ain't big
enough for both of us.

Hey, Crazy Cat, how about
some more of that hot meat?

Comin' up!

Watch where you serve that food!

Excuse me, corporal, would
you pass the arrow, please?

Um, I guess you didn't expect

to see me back this way
so soon, eh, Parmenter?

No, sir.

What do you think of
the meal, Major Duncan?

Good. Good, very good.

I've always been fond of
this Indian style of cooking.

Oh, so that's what it was.

I thought the food
had a different flavor.

I'll tell you one
thing, Parmenter.

This chow is better
than anything Cookie

used to make for me.

Used to make?

What happened to Cookie?

Colonel Heinz took him.

Pulled rank on me again.

I thought he took
your last cook.

Yes, he did, but...

You see, General Grizby
took him from the colonel.

And then the secretary of war
took him from General Grizby,

and the president took him
from the secretary of war.

Right now he's back
cooking at the White House.

You know, I... understand
they're quite partial

to Western-style
cooking, back there.

Who's your cook now?

Who's your cook now?

I asked you first.

Captain.

Corporal Agarn.

Ah. He's my cook now.

Oh, now, just a minute, here.

He did it again.

Take me, sir?

You heard me, corporal.

We're moving out
against Geronimo.

It'll be at least a six
month's campaign.

Now, saddle up,
we're leavin' tonight.

Sarge, you can't
let him take me.

I'll be gone for six
months in Apa-pa-pa...

Apache territory.

Now, don't worry, Agarn,

just let me think for a minute.

There's got to be some
nice, logical, dishonest way

to get you out of this mess.

Now, what this about Agarn?

Major Duncan is taking
him with him tonight.

We can't let him do that.

Agarn is our partner.

We're all in business together.

You're right, O'Rourke.

Also, I lose $11 deal
for loan of Crazy Cat.

Ah-ha.

What you want me to do?

Well, I'll tell you.

But the major is a very
high-ranking officer, sir.

Now, he really should
stop by the Hekawi camp,

so that they can give him,
um, an Indian headdress

and make him an honorary chief.

Hey, it's in the manual, sir.

It is? Hm.

I don't remember seeing
anything in the manual about that.

Well, it's in the
Hekawi manual, sir.

Oh, really? Yes.

All right, I'll tell the major.

Yes, sir.

Hekawi proud to have
high officer of cavalry

honorary chief of tribe.

Now, Captain Parmenter told
me this is one your customs,

but I... Heh-heh.

I didn't think I'd
have to eat with you.

Part of ceremony.

Anyway, this good
chance for you to see

how your new cook,
Agarn, cook away from fort.

Begin meal.

Here you are, major.

Mushrooms.

I picked them tonight.

Tonight?

In the dark?

These could be poisonous.

Those are the chances
you take, Indian style.

No, I don't think I...
care for any mushrooms.

Oh, too bad.

I serve them every night.

Next course.

I know you'll like this, major.

It's one of my specialties.

It's... It's raw fish?

We always serve it
this way, Indian style.

Cooking ruins the flavor.

Chief, you're... not eating?

That not part of ceremony.

I'll... I'll pass
on the fish too.

Oh. Then try the potatoes.

Ah, well... They look all right.

There's a rock in here.

Of course. A heated rock.

I always bake
them from the inside.

Excuse me, major.

Agarn very good.

Learn much from Indian.

You like next course, major.

Ready for hot meat.

Hot meat comin' up!

You're lucky.

Agarn serve with full
Indian-style ceremony.

Chief, I, uh... I
think I'm on fire.

We prepare teepee
for you to stay tonight.

It all ready for you.

Oh.

Wh-what did I fall into?

A hole!

That's just the way
we bury our trash,

Indian style.

Oh, there'll be lots of
'em around your tent area.

Sergeant O'Rourke,
what are you doing here?

Well, sir, I, uh...

I just came to say
goodbye to Corporal Agarn.

Well, I've come to
tell Major Duncan

that he can't take Agarn.

I've made up my mind to be firm.

Oh. Yes, sir.

Uh... Wait.

Major.

I've been checking the manual,

and I found a footnote under
"Requisition of Personnel."

"No personnel essential
to the welfare of a fort

"may be transferred until
a suitable replacement

can be found."

So... you can't
take Corporal Agarn.

Captain Parmenter,

you can take
Corporal Agarn, and...

And you can keep him.

I'm heading for
the Apache territory,

where I stand half
a chance of survival.

I should have spoken
up sooner, Agarn.

All I had to do is be firm.

Chief, thank you for your
hospitality to the major.

Not think much of major.

Indian not like man
who eat and run.

Ah. Well, Cookie's back,

and we lose our
nice little setup.

How come Colonel
Heinz let him go?

Colonel Heinz's cook
got sent back to him,

the one that was
cooking for the president.

He got sent back for
writing his memoirs,

My Ten Days in the White House.

Well, something good
came out of it anyway.

Yeah. I know.

We don't have to eat
your cookin' anymore.

No, sarge.

I gave him the benefit
of my experience.

Hey, Cookie, how
about the hot meat?

Thanks, Cookie!