F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 27 - Don't Ever Speak to Me Again - full transcript

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Do you have any complaints
you'd like to register, soldier?

No, sir. None at all, captain.

Captain?

I'm a colonel, soldier.

Can't you see this
eagle on my shoulder?

He couldn't see an
elephant on his shoulder.



Oh, yes, sir.

That's some sort
of bird, all right.

What kind of duty
does this man have?

He's our lookout, sir.

Your lookout?

And he couldn't even see
this eagle on my shoulder?

Well, in all fairness, colonel,

the fort has never
been attacked by eagles.

Actually, sir, the
man is farsighted.

He can see the Indians
when they come over the hill

and then when
they get near the fort

he puts on his reading glasses.

Make a note of that, Harlow.

Yes, sir.

If there is any complaint
on your mind, soldier,

now is the time to speak up.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

What kind of duty does
this man have, captain?

He's our interpreter, sir.

Who's his interpreter?

I am, sir.

Dankeschön, Duffy.

Gesundheit!

Make a note of that, Harlow.

Any complaints
from you, soldier?

What's that, sir?

Could you speak up a little bit?

I said...!

That's quite a
troop you have here.

One sees no evil,
one speaks no evil

and one hears no evil.

It's not Duddleson's fault, sir.

He gets that way from
standing close to me

when I blow my bugle.

[BLOWS BUGLE OFF-PITCH]

[CHUCKLES]

Dobbs is an
exceptionally loud bugler,

wouldn't you say, colonel?

What's that?

[LOUDLY] I said,

Dobbs is an
exceptionally loud bugler.

Yes, yes, yes. Make
a note of that, Harlow.

What's that, sir?

[SHOUTS] I said, make
a note of that, Harlow!

Would the colonel
like to inspect

the enlisted men's quarters
or the corral next, sir?

Oh, you won't find any
complaints there, colonel.

We have 20 contented
head of horses.

And 20 contented tails too, sir.

COLONEL: No,
we're finished here.

We have two more
forts in the territory

that we have to inspect.

Well, I hope you found
everything in order, sir.

This is a confidential
report, captain.

You'll get the results
from Headquarters.

Right, sir.

Troop!

Present arms!

Order arms!

All right, troop dismissed!

What's going on, sir?

That's the third inspection
we've had this week.

There must be something
happening at Headquarters.

You're right, sergeant.

And I wish I knew what it was.

Mr. Secretary,
here are the reports

on the Cavalry post inspections.

Good, good.

And which post
gets the citation?

Fort Doge? Logan?

No, sir.

Fort Courage.

Fort Courage.

F Troop?!

Yes, sir.

That outfit with
the loud bugler?

The last time I was there,
I couldn't hear for a week.

Sir, the reports
clearly indicate

that of all the Cavalry
forts in the territory,

F Troop has the highest morale.

Compared to what?

See for yourself, sir.

I can't believe it.

They're a bunch of misfits.

Why, the Army
sent them out there

hoping they'd all desert.

Rider approaching the fort!

Vanderbilt, what's
that rider look like?

He looks like another
inspecting officer.

Yeah, I thought so.
Go tell the captain.

Right, sarge.

Hey, Dobbs, blow "Assembly."

[BLOWS "ASSEMBLY"]

Captain Parmenter!

What is it, corporal?

Vanderbilt spotted
a rider coming.

Says it's another
inspecting officer.

What? Oh, here, hold this.

Captain.

I'm hurrying just as
fast as I can, corporal.

But, captain... There,
I'm ready. Let's go.

But, captain... What is it?

Just wanted to know what I
should do with these horns.

Just put them down, corporal.

Afraid you ain't got time to
change your pants, captain.

I know that, I know that.

Troop! Ten-hut!

F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.

Good work, sergeant. Whoa.

Wilton, a telegram
just came in for you.

Jane, not now.

We're going to have an
inspection any minute.

Vanderbilt, how
close is that rider now?

That's him, right next
to you on the horse.

May I suggest that you
court-martial Vanderbilt?

Now, now, Agarn.
He's doing his best.

Well, at least
court-martial his glasses.

Want me to dismiss
the troop, sir?

I think they might wanna
hear what's in this telegram.

Jane, I'm the
commander of this fort

and I'll give the orders.

It's from the War Department.

They're giving you a citation.

A citation?

Let me see that. Oh.

You shouldn't be ashamed
of those legs, Wilton.

They're very nice.

Janey, I told you,
not in front of the men.

What does it say, sir?

Oh, this is really good news.

I want all the men to hear this.

Men, I have just received

this wire from the
Secretary of War.

It says that F Troop is
going to receive a citation

for having the finest
morale of any Cavalry post

in the territory.

[ALL CHEER]

What's "morale" mean, captain?

That's what it means, Duddleson.

PARMENTER: What it means
is that we have a happy fort.

No AWOLs, no
requests for transfer,

no letters of complaint
to the Inspector General

and a 100 percent
reenlistment record.

Why... even your
horses want another hitch.

[CHUCKLES]

You see, that's a play on words.

As you know, a hitch is
an enlistment in the Army

and then you hitch your horse

to a... A hitching rail.

[TROOP FEIGNING LAUGHTER]

Those subtle jokes take
a little while to sink in.

Yes, well, that one
certainly sank, sir.

This is a very high honor,

and I want to
congratulate all of you men.

Sergeant, the Secretary of
War will be arriving in two days

and I'll expect you to have
the troop smartly turned out

for the ceremony.

Right, sir.

Troop!

Dismissed!

Congratulations, captain.

I'm sure this will mean
promotion for you.

Oh, I can't take all
the credit, corporal.

You and Sergeant
O'Rourke are also responsible

for the high morale we have.

No, sir, no, sir.

Uh, the commanding officer
is always the one responsible

for a happy fort, sir.

AGARN: That's right.

We wanna be happy,
but we can't be happy

till we can make you happy too.

Thank you.

Come on, Agarn.

Come on, Wilton.

I'll sew up them pants
before you catch cold.

Janey, not in front of the men.

Sarge, I can't believe
we're gonna get that citation.

Well, nobody ever
wrote a letter of complaint,

because most of
these guys can't write.

Hoffenmueller was the only one

who ever wrote a
letter of complaint,

and he wrote that
one to the Kaiser.

And he got an answer.

[BOTH LAUGH]

What are we doing
in here, sarge?

We finished inventory.

No, no, the Secretary
of War is coming

and we've gotta get all
these souvenirs out of here

and up to the Hekawi
camp until he leaves.

I get it.

Right, now, you start
packing the boxes

and as soon as the
captain leaves the post,

you take them all up
to the Hekawis, right?

Right, sarge.

Ain't you gonna help me, sarge?

Well, I gotta check the saloon.

Why do I always have
to do the heavy work?

Why can't I check the saloon
and you pack the souvenirs?

May I remind you that
in O'Rourke Enterprises

I am the brains and
you are the brawn.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I happen to have
very brawny brains.

I am telling you
for the last time,

start packing those boxes.

And I'll tell you
one thing, sarge:

O'Rourke Enterprises
ain't never gonna get

no citation for morale.

And I'll tell you one thing:

If you don't start
packing those boxes,

you're going to be
the first one to benefit

from my company's medical plan.

I'm warning you, sarge.

One more word and I
resign as vice president

of O'Rourke Enterprises.

Give me the clue.
What is the word?

That does it. I quit.

You can't, you gotta
give me a week's notice.

All right, I'm giving you one
week's notice and then I quit.

In the meantime, pack the boxes.

And another thing, O'Rourke.

Now what?

Don't ever speak to me again.

It will be my pleasure.

You spoke to me.

Is the fire ready, Little Fox?

Yes, chief.

Got blanket for signal?

Yes, chief.

Good.

Want to send letter.

Write this down:

"This letter going
to my old friend,

"Big Chief Who Huntum Skunk.

"Would like to
make deal with you.

"Need six buffalo skins.

"Will trade clean,
late-model canoe,

"once owned by two
little old Hekawi squaws

"who used it only to paddle
to the laundry and back.

My best to the little squaw."

Sign my name.

This pretty long letter, chief.

Will need more firewood.

Hey, Crazy Cat!

Yes, chief?

Little Fox needs more
wood on fire to send letter.

Go chop some.

Me, chop wood?

But I'm assistant chief.

Why you always want
me to do the heavy work?

Because you strong like horse.

Not smart like horse,
but strong like him.

You very hostile Indian.

Start chopping or I
throw you into quicksand.

How about that for hostile?

Whoa!

Hey, Wild Eagle, I want
you to do me a favor.

Forget it, O'Rourke.

You know deal on souvenirs.

Cash on delivery.

No exchanges. No returns.

No, you don't understand,

I just wanna store this stuff
here for a couple of days.

We're getting a visit
from the Secretary of War.

Secretary of War?

You try tell us
something, O'Rourke?

Relax, relax, will you?

He's just coming out
to give F Troop a citation

for having the highest morale
of any post in the territory.

What means "morale," sergeant?

The, uh, general
attitude of the men.

It seems that we have a
fort full of happy troopers.

Ha!

What is matter with you, Agarn?

He's trying to tell you
that he is unhappy.

Captain Parmenter
give you bad time?

No, no, no, no. Captain
Parmenter's a doll.

I'm just getting a bad time
from a certain sergeant I know.

That's me.

Chief, would you tell
that certain sergeant

we'd better unload the souvenirs
so we can get back to the fort.

Why you not tell him yourself?

Him sitting right there.

My assistant and I are
not talking to each other.

Should happen to me.

What happened?

It seems he feels that

an executive shouldn't be asked

to do any of the heavy work.

Me agree with Corporal Agarn.

Another executive heard from.

Don't tell me you're being
pushed around too, Crazy Cat.

Yes, Wild Eagle want me,
assistant chief, chop wood.

Chief, you can't ask a man
like Crazy Cat to do that.

Agarn, keep your nose
out of their business.

Is that a voice I
heard somewhere?

Wild Eagle, tell Agarn

I said to keep his nose
out of your business.

Sergeant O'Rourke say you
keep your nose out of my business.

Chief, you tell
Sergeant O'Rourke

I'll stick my nose
anywhere I want to.

See, Wild Eagle,
that's our problem,

we have treated them too good.

That what I get for
being Mr. Nice Guy.

I tell you, chief, you
not get me chop wood.

If you not chop wood,

I get new assistant chief.

Get new assistant
chief. I turn in my feather.

I accept, if you promise
never speak to me again.

Corporal, tell chief
that is promise.

Chief, that is promise.

Good.

Little Fox.

Let's see how this
feather looks on you.

Oh, Wild Eagle,

tell Agarn as soon as I
get this stuff unloaded,

I'm going back to the fort.

Hyah! Here we go.

You think I did the
right thing, Agarn?

Sure you did.

We can't let 'em push us around.

You're right.

Of course.

Don't worry about
a thing, Craze.

Agarn.

Yeah, Craze?

Let me know if you happen
to hear of an opening

for an assistant Indian chief.

I'll keep my eyes open.

Oh, Corporal Agarn, I
was just looking for you.

What's up, Dobbs?

Uh, Captain Parmenter
wants to see you

and Sergeant O'Rourke
in his office right away.

Just a little higher, Duffy.

We wanna make sure those
horns are not at pants level.

I know what you mean, sir.

Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporal
Agarn reporting as ordered, sir.

Oh, at ease.

You can put those down, Duffy.

Yes, sir.

Now,

it has come to my
attention that you men

are not talking to each other.

What seems to be the problem?

Who'd tell you a
thing like that, sir?

I told the captain.

You've got a loud bugle
and a mouth to match.

You can't talk to
me like that, Agarn.

He can talk to you
any way he pleases.

Now, wait a minute, men.

The minute you hear something,

you go running
right to the captain.

Well, I just thought
it was stupid

for two friends
not to be talking.

Who are you calling stupid?

Well, I'll tell you one thing:

I may be stupid,
but I'm smart enough

never to talk to you again.

And that goes for me too.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

We can't have non-commissioned
officers not talking

to each other and not
talking to the men under them.

Look, Agarn, no soldier ever
has a good enough reason

not to talk to his buddies.

Captain Parmenter.
Yes, corporal?

Would you tell Private Duffy
I just found a good reason

never to talk to him again.

I'm still talking to you, Duffy.

Well, I ain't talking to no
man who comes running

to the captain over
a little thing like this.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, Wilton.

Janey, please, not now,

we've got something very
important to settle here.

Oh, you mean about
O'Rourke and Agarn not talking.

Yes. Who told you that?

Duddleson told me
that Dobbs told him.

I'm never going to speak to
that big mouth Duddleson again

as long as I live.

Dobbs, I think
you're not talking

to enough people already.

I don't blame Agarn.

No man likes to
be pushed around.

Janey, I don't think you
ought to get mixed up in this.

Sergeant O'Rourke
is absolutely right.

This is strictly
a military matter.

Well, I wouldn't say
that. It's all over town.

It is? Yes.

Even Otto
Schnellheimer, the butcher,

heard it from Hoffenmueller.

Oh, we've got to put
a stop to this right now.

Remember men, tomorrow
we're getting a citation

for having the highest morale.

Well, I think this whole
thing could be settled

if O'Rourke would just
apologize to Corporal Agarn.

Apologize to him?
Not in a million years.

Janey, we don't need a
woman's touch around the fort.

Afraid a little old
woman's liable

to solve your problem for you?

No, no, I'm not afraid of that,

because women
only make problems,

they don't solve them.

I suppose you're saying
that I make problems for you.

Yes, you do.

Well, I ain't never gonna
make a problem for you, Wilton,

'cause I ain't never
gonna speak to you again.

Now, wait a minute, Janey.

It ain't right for you
two to get into a fight

because of us.

No man's gonna
talk that way to me.

Yeah, well, it's about
time someone did.

Agarn, you tell O'Rourke
that I ain't never gonna

speak to him either.

I'd love to, but I
ain't speaking to him.

Wait a minute, everybody.

Now, we've got to settle this

like intelligent, mature men.

Tell Captain Parmenter
that I'm a woman.

Captain Parmenter,
Janey says she's a woman.

I know that, I know that.

Now, I'm just going
to sit here, quietly...

while you all settle
your differences.

Janey, will you tell
Sergeant O'Rourke

if he's willing to
apologize, I'll accept it.

Well, I ain't talking to him.

Duffy, you're talking
to O'Rourke, ain't you?

Yes, but I'm not talking to you.

Oh, well.

Wrangler, will you tell
Duffy to tell O'Rourke

if he's willing to
apologize, I'll accept it.

O'Rourke, Agarn
says... All right.

Who's talking to me
that's talking to Agarn

that's not talking
to Duffy and Dobbs?

I'm talking to Duffy.

Oh, no, you ain't.

Are you calling me a liar?

Are you calling me a liar?

Well, if you're
calling me a liar,

don't ever speak to me again.

This is hopeless.

Now, we're not
going to get anywhere,

so I'm just going
to have to be firm.

Now, just because some of
you are having personal problems

is no reason the entire
troop should suffer.

So, I'm ordering all of
you to talk to each other.

At least during the time

that the Secretary of
War will be here tomorrow.

O'ROURKE: Troop!

Ten-hut!

Men of F Troop,

it gives me great pleasure
to award you this citation

from the War Department

for the most outstanding
morale of any fort in the territory.

Under the existing
difficult living conditions,

surrounded by hostile Indians,
it is a very high honor indeed.

Captain Parmenter,
I congratulate you

and the men of
your splendid troop.

On behalf of the men of
F Troop, Mr. Secretary,

I thank you for this high honor.

Now, captain, we
take our leave of you.

Keep up the good work.

Present arms!

Order arms!

PARMENTER: At ease, men.

I wanna have a word with you.

First, I'd like to
thank all of you

for conducting
yourselves so well

in front of the
Secretary of War.

Now, in the past few
days, as you know,

we've had our
little differences,

but now that we've
received the citation,

I think we should all
try to live up to the...

Wilton.

Janey, please, I'm
speaking to my men

and I don't want
to be interrupted

while I'm trying to get
this thing straightened out.

Agarn, tell Captain Parmenter...

Janey, don't start that again.

You heard the captain, get
your buckskins out of here.

Now, hold it, Duffy,

you can't talk to
Janey like that.

He can talk to her
any way he wants to.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[ALL ARGUING]

Attention!

Back so soon, Mr. Secretary?

Yes, I forgot something.

Oh, what was that?

I forgot to give
you the citation.

Oh, well, you didn't have
to come back for that,

it's the thought that counts.

Oh, there's no use

trying to pull the wool
over my eyes, captain.

I saw your men at
each other's throats

the moment I left the fort.

But, Mr. Secretary...

I should have known better

than to listen to you, Jenkins.

But, sir, I... You
haven't given me

a proper report in two years.

Mr. Secretary, all my
reports were verified

by the Inspector General.

Ha! A child could
make out a better report.

JENKINS: You're going
too far, Mr. Secretary.

One more word and you
can have my resignation.

Give me a clue.
What is the word?

That does it.

You have one week's notice.

SECRETARY: Good.

Then I'll thank you
not to speak to me

on the long trip
back to Washington.

Uh, Mr. Secretary?

Yes?

The citation.

You don't think I'm...

going to give a citation
to that motley troop.

Mr. Secretary, you
certainly have the right

not to give us the citation,

but this is not a motley troop.

Oh, no, sir.

We may have had our
differences from time to time,

but this is the finest troop
in the United States Cavalry.

And I'm proud to be
their commanding officer.

Oh, captain, you need attention.

Drive on!

I'm proud of you, Wilton.

And I'm sorry I
helped stir up the fuss.

Janey, I've told you,
not in front of the men.

AGARN: Captain,
I want to apologize.

If it wasn't for me, we'd
have gotten that citation.

Oh, now, wait a minute,

I'm just as much to
blame as you are, Agarn.

It was... Well, it was
really all my fault.

[WHISPERS] Hey, Dobbs?

How about meeting me
in town later for a beer?

[WHISPERS] I'd like that, Duffy.

But only if you'll tell me the
story about the Alamo again.

Well, there was me
and ol' Jim Bowie...

Come on, Jane.

Everything's back to normal now.

AGARN: But I tell you, sarge...

Forget it now, will ya?

We'll discuss it over a
nice, cold glass of beer.

Good idea, sarge.

And I got a little
chore I want you to do

for O'Rourke Enterprises.

What's that, sarge?

You drive the buckboard

while I load up them souvenirs

up at the Hekawi camp.

Aw, sarge. Wait a minute.

Troop dismissed!

Come on, let's get a beer.

[♪♪♪]

Whoa!

Hello, O'Rourke.

You come for souvenirs?

BOTH: That's right.
The Secretary of War's...

I'm sorry, sarge. You tell him.

No, no, now, you go
ahead and tell him.

I insist.

You two talking to
each other again?

Yeah, we're back
to being buddies.

And we think you ought to
give Crazy Cat back his feather.

Argh!

Nothing personal, Little Fox.

Somebody mention my name?

Go on now, Wild Eagle.

All right, but I'll hate
myself in the morning.

There.

You back to being
my assistant chief.

BOTH: Aww.

Isn't that nice?

Good move, Wild Eagle.

Now you can go happily to
last big buffalo hunt in sky.

Again, you starting with
buffalo hunt in the sky!

Oh, nice going, chief.

It takes a big man to do that.

And Crazy Cat's a big
man for accepting it.

Of course, the chief is
a bigger man than he is.

AGARN: Oh, really?

Then I suppose you
think that makes you

a bigger man than I am.

Well, as long as you
wanna put it that way, yes.

Chief, will you tell
Sergeant O'Rourke

I'm giving him my
one week's notice.

Chief, will you tell Agarn

that I'm giving him
10 minute's notice.

[BOTH YELLING]

[ALL YELLING]

[♪♪♪]