F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 29 - Indian Fever - full transcript
Agarn's sanity is questioned when he keeps seeing an Indian in the fort and no one else does.
[BUGLER PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMS]
What happened?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Why's your hand
caught in the window?
Would you open
the window, please?
Oh, yeah, I know, I know.
You saw another Indian
looking through the window.
I didn't see another Indian
looking through the window.
Just open the window, please.
All right, all right.
I'll tell you one thing,
this has got to stop.
This is the third night in a row
that you woke me up.
But, sarge, those
other two nights,
I tell you, I saw an Indian
looking through this window.
And I say you were dreaming.
Now, the only
Indians around here
are Hekawis, and
they would not be
looking through that
window. Why not?
Because all their braves
are afraid of the dark.
Go to sleep.
I still say I've been
seeing an Indian
through that window.
And why would an Indian
be looking through that window?
How do I know?
Maybe he's a peeping tomahawk.
Go to sleep.
That is an order.
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMS]
Indians! Indians!
What happ...?
What's the matter? What...?
I saw that same
Indian out there again!
Agarn, I... Look
for yourself, sarge!
I know he's out there!
I told you. I... I... Aah!
Agarn, will you get this
window off of my neck?
Did you see an Indian
out there, sarge?
No, I didn't see
that Indian out there.
He must be heading for the gate!
Indians!
Come on, men! Grab your guns!
Everybody, out on the double!
MAN: Get awake!
AGARN: Indians!
Come on, men! Grab your guns!
[BUGLE WARBLES]
Everybody, on the
double! Look alive!
Dobbs, Duddleson,
cover the gate!
The rest of you men
spread out and cover the fort!
Look alive! Dobbs,
Duddleson, cover the gate!
The rest of you men
spread out and cover the fort!
Dobbs...
You've got us up
the last two nights
on a wild goose chase.
Yours not to question why,
yours but to do or die!
You ain't seen any
Indians. The sarge is right.
You're just seeing
them in your dreams.
Know what else I saw?
You in front of a firing...
All right, stop the
hassle, will you?
Now, Dobbs, go find that Indian
so we can all go back to bed.
Right, sarge.
Sarge, I tell you,
I saw him right
there at that end.
Sure you did, Agarn. Sure you...
What's going on here, men?
Captain.
At ease. At ease.
Agarn saw another Indian
looking through the window.
AGARN: Not "another
Indian." The same Indian.
This is the third
night you've said this.
Now, are you sure he
doesn't appear to you
in a dream?
Sir, have you ever seen
a dream walking? No.
Well, he did.
Really, corporal,
I think this is all
your imagination.
Captain, I saw
him as big as life!
Captain. Yes?
We searched the corral,
tack room and guardhouse,
and no Indian.
Thank you, Dobbs.
All right, you satisfied now?
No.
Well, I'm satisfied,
so just go back to
bed, please, corporal.
Oh, and sweet dreams.
Thank you, sir.
Do you think it could
be one of the Hekawi
walking in his sleep?
No, it was one of the
Hekawi walking in your sleep.
But, sarge, it can't be a dream.
If I'm going to
dream about Indians,
I'll dream about Pocahontas.
Well, look.
You just relax and go to sleep.
Don't give me any more
of them false alarms.
Don't worry, sarge.
He only comes
around once a night.
Uh, what are you doing?
If you don't mind, sarge,
I'd like to sleep
with the light on.
Please... go to
sleep like a little man.
Agarn...
would you go back
to your own bunk,
please?
Sarge... What is it, Agarn?
Could I have a drink of water?
[WHOOPING]
You see, sarge, that's him!
Agarn!
You heard him yourself!
Dobbs!
There's your Indian, Agarn.
Dobbs...
I ought to punch
you right in the nose.
Oh, I thought you
had a sense of humor.
Oh, I've got a great
sense of humor.
How's that for a laugh?
Sarge... look what
he did to my bugle.
Ah, it'll work all right.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn
reporting, sir.
Oh, at ease, men. At ease.
I've called you in
because I'd like to
discuss this business...
Are you all right, sir?
Oh, yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I have to get that
loose board fixed.
I'll get Private Duffy on that
this afternoon, sir.
Yes.
Good. Thank you.
You were saying, sir?
I was saying...? Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, I called you in
because I'd like to
discuss this business
of this imaginary Indian
you keep seeing
every night, Agarn.
Sir, believe me,
if you'll just sleep
in the NCO quarters tonight,
I'm sure you'll see him.
Well, I hardly think it's
worth moving my bed in there.
You can sleep in
my bed, captain.
I don't mind another
night in O'Rourke's bunk.
O'ROURKE: Well, it
was... It was either that
or sleeping with the lamp on
all night, sir.
Oh.
Well, I've been checking through
this cavalry manual,
and I've discovered
something very interesting.
What's that, captain?
If a soldier is stationed
for any length of time
in this territory,
one of the things
he may suffer from
is Indian fever.
Oh, sir, I've got it. I know it.
Here, sarge, feel that.
I'm burning up, right?
Your head is as cold as ice.
You see that?
Rigor mortis has set in.
What I'm trying to tell you
is that when a soldier
has Indian fever,
he imagines he sees Indians.
But sir, when I had
the German measles,
I didn't see any Germans.
I guess you do
have a point there.
Captain, I'm sure that the
pills that the medic gave him
will start to take
effect very soon now.
Let's hope so, sergeant,
because if it continues,
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to recommend a transfer
for Corporal Agarn.
A transfer, sir?
Yes, to an eastern fort,
away from the Indian territory.
Yeah, well, now, captain,
I'm sure that this is a
temporary condition.
Yes, you are not going to see
any imaginary Indians again,
now, are you, Agarn?
Oh, believe me, sir,
it's only temporary,
and I promise you, sarge,
I'll never see another Indian...
And there he is!
There who is? What?
That Indian!
Agarn!
I tell you, I saw him, sarge!
Well, he can't get very far.
Hey, Duffy!
Did you see an Indian
looking in the captain's window?
[WHOOPS]
You're just asking
for a court martial, Dobbs.
Are you starting to see
Indians too, O'Rourke?
If there was an Indian,
someone would have seen him.
Yes, but you can bet
me, they wouldn't admit it.
Oh, they're all against me, sir.
Oh?
You think all the men
are against you, corporal?
With the captain's
permission, sir, I suggest
we relieve Corporal
Agarn of his duties today
so he can get a little rest.
I think that's a very
good idea, sergeant.
I don't need the rest, captain!
It's that Indian running around
the camp who needs the rest!
Corporal Agarn, you
heard the captain.
Just go take one of your pills,
and lie down on your bunk.
Yes, you go ahead, corporal.
That's the best thing for you.
Right, sir.
You'd better come inside
and discuss this
further, sergeant.
I think it's more serious
than you imagine.
Oh, now, captain, I'm sure
that Corporal Agarn
is going to be all right.
Hi there.
[SPLASH]
Sergeant, you know how I feel
about Corporal Agarn.
He's a very valuable man
to have around the fort,
but we have to think
of his welfare first.
Yes, sir, but I'm sure
that Corporal Agarn
is on the road to recovery...
Captain Parmenter!
You saw another
Indian, corporal?
Yes, sir.
Where? In the well.
In the well? Yes, sir.
I wanted some
water to take my pill,
and when I cranked up the rope,
the Indian was
sitting in the bucket.
The Indian was
sitting in the bucket?
Come and see for yourselves!
Well, corporal,
where's the Indian?
Captain, he was
here a minute ago.
Come on up, you coward!
I know you're down there!
Agarn, there ain't
no Indian down there.
Corporal, I'm going
to have to reassign you
to a rear-echelon unit.
O'ROURKE: You
don't have to do that.
With the captain's
permission, may I suggest
you give Corporal
Agarn a week's furlough?
What good would that do?
Well, give him a chance
to rest, relax, unwind,
clear out his little
mixed-up head.
I guess I am a little
mixed-up, captain.
That may be a very good idea.
Yes, sir.
It might do you good to get
away from the rat race of the fort.
Thank you, sir.
I'll draw up the
furlough papers.
Thank you, sir.
Gee, that was
nice of you, sarge,
to suggest a furlough.
In my condition,
I could use a
week in Dodge City.
Dodge City?
No, the Hekawi camp.
The Hekawi camp?
Yeah, you can combine
business with pleasure,
look after our
souvenir business.
Wait a minute, sarge.
If I've got Indian fever,
why am I spending
a week with Indians?
When you fall off a horse,
you get right back
another horse, right? Right.
If you're seeing Indians, you
go to an Indian camp, right?
Well, that makes sense.
Not to me, but it makes sense.
Friends, Hekawis, countrymen,
we are gathered here today
to say goodbye
to Chief Wild Eagle
who has gone to last
big powwow in sky.
He was good chief, wise chief,
with heart as big as his mouth.
Again you try to bury me.
Oh, Chief Wild Eagle.
Just practicing speech I wrote
for when we wrap your
body in buffalo hide,
put it on your favorite pony,
and send him to...
Never mind the
funeral arrangements.
Must be prepared, chief.
You could go any minute.
That why you practice
funeral speech?
Have to practice.
Would you want me to say
burial speech for great chief
off top of head?
You keep practicing speech,
and you get tomahawk
off top of head.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Hey, Wild Eagle. Crazy Cat.
Hello, sergeant.
Hello, Agarn.
How.
Hey, Craze, you got a minute?
Do you walk in your sleep?
No.
Any of your friends
walk in theirs?
No.
I demand a roll
call of this tribe!
Agarn, will you cut that out?
Him acting very
strange, sergeant.
Well, he's got Indian fever.
What's Indian fever?
He keeps thinking
he sees an Indian
prowling around the fort.
And they call me Crazy Cat.
Do you mind if I check
into the camp for a week?
I'd just like to relax
and work this out of my system.
Glad to have you.
Three dollars a day.
Three dollars a day!
American plan.
I'll pick up the tab.
Oh, gee, sarge, that's
awful sweet of you.
Sergeant O'Rourke
always do nice things
for corporal.
Why you not do
nice things for me?
Only nice thing I can do for you
is drop dead, and that's out.
Chief, could you have
somebody show Agarn his teepee?
He really needs a lot of rest.
That teepee there, Agarn.
Thanks.
Aah! Indian! Indian!
Where? Where?
What am I saying?
Everybody here Indian.
But this Indian didn't
look like a Hekawi.
What he look like?
Well, he's got a
strong, muscular body,
a tough-looking face,
war paint on his cheeks,
a red band around his
head, and a tomahawk,
and a scalp
hanging from his belt.
That's what I call an Indian.
Oh, Agarn, it's
all in your mind.
No, corporal describe Apache.
We hear one of their
scouts in neighborhood.
You see, sarge?
I wasn't dreaming.
WILD EAGLE: Wish
you were dreaming.
What do you mean, Wild Eagle?
Understand big chief
Mean Buffalo of Apaches
may go on warpath.
AGARN: Where'd you hear that?
A little bird told me.
What are you talking
about, a little bird?
My friend Tiny Sparrow.
Live across the river.
Sarge, this could be trouble.
We'd better get
back to the fort.
You're right, Agarn.
We'll see you later, Wild Eagle.
Chief, look. Smoke signal.
Well, what does it say?
Crazy Cat, give me
my reading glasses.
It's from your Apache friend,
Chief Mean Buffalo.
Well? Well?
What does it say?
What does it say?
It say... "Greetings.
"Your tribe has been selected
"to serve in the
all-Indian army.
"Will contact you later.
"Sincerely, Chief Mean Buffalo.
P.S. Soldier dogs must die."
Him say that, not me.
Chief, they trying to draft us.
You're not going to go to
war against us, are you, chief?
Hekawis just put on camp shows.
Maybe they let us
just roll bandages.
Wild Eagle, you don't
want to attack the fort.
Don't let name
"Wild Eagle" fool you.
Had it changed from
"Yellow Chicken."
You'd better get to
that Mean Buffalo,
or we're all in trouble.
Think you can get
this Apache friend
to come to a treaty powwow?
I could try. All right.
I'll talk to Captain Parmenter,
and we'll set up the
powwow at the fort.
Come on, Agarn.
Take smoke-signal message.
Signal going to
Chief Mean Buffalo.
"Dear Meanie.
About this war..."
You've certainly gone all out
for this powwow, captain.
Oh, well, I don't want to take
all the credit, sergeant.
Janey's done most of the work.
And it was a smart
move, captain,
having Janey cook the dinner.
If you served that Apache
a meal from our mess hall,
you couldn't blame him
for going on the warpath.
Don't you worry
none about this dinner.
I'm fixing that chief a
big, juicy wild turkey.
Yeah, well, just to
be on the safe side,
don't let him do the carving.
Oh, by the way, sergeant,
I'd like to congratulate
you and Corporal Agarn
for arranging this treaty talk.
You've got to give Wild
Eagle a little credit too, sir.
He did talk Chief
Mean Buffalo into this.
Yeah, we're lucky
to have an ally
like Wild Eagle.
Honorable, friendly,
peace-loving...
And chicken.
Me think you make wise decision,
Chief Mean Buffalo.
Better to talk to
paleface than fight.
My tribe not afraid.
We fight till last Apache.
Hekawi feel same way.
Be glad to fight to last Apache.
If soldier dog make
bad treaty, we no sign.
Believe me, they
make you good deal.
Don't want soldier officer
think we come
as friendly Indians.
With those outfits,
you've got no worries.
How far fort from here?
Only stone's throw.
How far is stone's throw?
How far can you throw a stone?
Come.
One more thing, Wild Eagle.
What's that?
How you behave
when you eat with
paleface at fort?
Me not know.
Been at fort once
for light lunch.
Never have formal dinner.
Me not want to look like
savage arrive by canoe yesterday.
You play it safe.
How you mean? Watch soldiers.
Whatever they do, you do.
Well, I'm afraid I
don't know much
about Apache customs, captain.
Why do you want to know
their customs, Wilton?
Well, I don't want
to embarrass them.
I want them to feel at home.
Why don't we just
burn someone at
the stake, captain?
That's an old Apache custom.
I've got an idea, captain.
Just follow their lead.
That's an excellent
idea, sergeant.
Sure.
Whatever they do, we do.
How.
How.
How. How. How.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Captain... Wilton,
are you all right?
I told you to have
somebody fix that.
I'm sorry, sarge!
I've got a million
things on my mind...
Uh, allow me to
introduce myself.
My name is Captain Parmenter.
This is Corporal Agarn,
Sergeant O'Rourke,
and our hostess, Wrangler Jane.
Me Chief Mean Buffalo.
My assistant, Beware of Dog.
Pleased to meet you.
How are you, chief? Nice to...
Glad to see you, Beware of Dog.
Nice to see you.
Well, shall we all
get up and sit down?
You go right ahead.
I'll see about the turkey.
Oh, good, good.
Chief, right over here.
Uh, Beware of Dog.
Well, I certainly
want to thank you
for coming here
to talk to us, chief.
Did you have a
nice trip? [GRUNTS]
Wilton, perhaps I ought
to start serving dinner.
I don't want the
turkey to get cold.
Oh, good idea, Jane. Chief,
are you and Beware of Dog
ready to eat? Yes.
Good.
We can talk about
the treaty at dinner.
I hope you like wild turkey.
Well, shall we
all sit at the table?
Stop.
Chief... Wilton...
Thank you, Janey.
Now, chief...
about this treaty...
Well, shall we all
eat on the floor?
Oh, yeah!
I am sure the chief would be
more comfortable on the floor.
I love to eat on the floor.
In Passaic, we
always eat on the floor.
Oh, yes, yes.
Here we are, Agarn.
There. There.
Here's the salad.
Oh, thank you, Janey.
It certainly is
an interesting custom you have,
eating this way.
Apaches no eat this way.
You...? You don't
eat on the floor?
Me thought you eat on the floor.
Well, you put the
silverware down on...
You... Captain. I think, sir,
that they've been
following our lead.
Oh!
How about that, chief?
You were trying to
follow our customs
and we were trying
to follow yours.
You want to make
Apaches this welcome?
Apaches want to be friends.
Well, you certainly
won't regret it, chief.
Now can we eat at table?
This very bad for back.
Here, I'll take that
for you, captain.
Yes, here we go.
Beware of Dog, is it okay
if I call you Bow-wow?
Oh, look at this.
Look at this beautiful bird.
Oh, Janey, you've
outdone yourself
this time, you really have.
Well, I got to tell you, sarge,
it's nice to wake up at night
and not see Indians
staring in the window.
Nice for us too.
First time in a week
that F Troop's got
a good night's sleep.
Be back in a minute.
Got to get some water.
Yeah, all right, hurry up.
We've got to take
care of these horses.
Hi there.
[SPLASH]
Sarge, sarge, come quick!
What's the matter now?
There's a beautiful Indian girl
in that well.
Ah, are we going to
go through that again?
Sarge, I tell you,
it's no dream.
Remember, I seen her first.
Captain Parmenter, what
are you doing in there?
I was... leaning over
to get some water,
and my hat fell in,
and I reached
over to get it, and I...
Did you see a beautiful
Indian girl on the way up?
Agarn, you've got it
again, haven't you?
But, captain, I'm telling you...
Sarge, you've got to believe me!
[SPLASH]
What have you done?
You let the captain fall...
I thought it was an Indian girl!
Never mind about
the Indian girl!
There'll be furlough
all the rest of your life.
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMS]
What happened?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Why's your hand
caught in the window?
Would you open
the window, please?
Oh, yeah, I know, I know.
You saw another Indian
looking through the window.
I didn't see another Indian
looking through the window.
Just open the window, please.
All right, all right.
I'll tell you one thing,
this has got to stop.
This is the third night in a row
that you woke me up.
But, sarge, those
other two nights,
I tell you, I saw an Indian
looking through this window.
And I say you were dreaming.
Now, the only
Indians around here
are Hekawis, and
they would not be
looking through that
window. Why not?
Because all their braves
are afraid of the dark.
Go to sleep.
I still say I've been
seeing an Indian
through that window.
And why would an Indian
be looking through that window?
How do I know?
Maybe he's a peeping tomahawk.
Go to sleep.
That is an order.
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMS]
Indians! Indians!
What happ...?
What's the matter? What...?
I saw that same
Indian out there again!
Agarn, I... Look
for yourself, sarge!
I know he's out there!
I told you. I... I... Aah!
Agarn, will you get this
window off of my neck?
Did you see an Indian
out there, sarge?
No, I didn't see
that Indian out there.
He must be heading for the gate!
Indians!
Come on, men! Grab your guns!
Everybody, out on the double!
MAN: Get awake!
AGARN: Indians!
Come on, men! Grab your guns!
[BUGLE WARBLES]
Everybody, on the
double! Look alive!
Dobbs, Duddleson,
cover the gate!
The rest of you men
spread out and cover the fort!
Look alive! Dobbs,
Duddleson, cover the gate!
The rest of you men
spread out and cover the fort!
Dobbs...
You've got us up
the last two nights
on a wild goose chase.
Yours not to question why,
yours but to do or die!
You ain't seen any
Indians. The sarge is right.
You're just seeing
them in your dreams.
Know what else I saw?
You in front of a firing...
All right, stop the
hassle, will you?
Now, Dobbs, go find that Indian
so we can all go back to bed.
Right, sarge.
Sarge, I tell you,
I saw him right
there at that end.
Sure you did, Agarn. Sure you...
What's going on here, men?
Captain.
At ease. At ease.
Agarn saw another Indian
looking through the window.
AGARN: Not "another
Indian." The same Indian.
This is the third
night you've said this.
Now, are you sure he
doesn't appear to you
in a dream?
Sir, have you ever seen
a dream walking? No.
Well, he did.
Really, corporal,
I think this is all
your imagination.
Captain, I saw
him as big as life!
Captain. Yes?
We searched the corral,
tack room and guardhouse,
and no Indian.
Thank you, Dobbs.
All right, you satisfied now?
No.
Well, I'm satisfied,
so just go back to
bed, please, corporal.
Oh, and sweet dreams.
Thank you, sir.
Do you think it could
be one of the Hekawi
walking in his sleep?
No, it was one of the
Hekawi walking in your sleep.
But, sarge, it can't be a dream.
If I'm going to
dream about Indians,
I'll dream about Pocahontas.
Well, look.
You just relax and go to sleep.
Don't give me any more
of them false alarms.
Don't worry, sarge.
He only comes
around once a night.
Uh, what are you doing?
If you don't mind, sarge,
I'd like to sleep
with the light on.
Please... go to
sleep like a little man.
Agarn...
would you go back
to your own bunk,
please?
Sarge... What is it, Agarn?
Could I have a drink of water?
[WHOOPING]
You see, sarge, that's him!
Agarn!
You heard him yourself!
Dobbs!
There's your Indian, Agarn.
Dobbs...
I ought to punch
you right in the nose.
Oh, I thought you
had a sense of humor.
Oh, I've got a great
sense of humor.
How's that for a laugh?
Sarge... look what
he did to my bugle.
Ah, it'll work all right.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn
reporting, sir.
Oh, at ease, men. At ease.
I've called you in
because I'd like to
discuss this business...
Are you all right, sir?
Oh, yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I have to get that
loose board fixed.
I'll get Private Duffy on that
this afternoon, sir.
Yes.
Good. Thank you.
You were saying, sir?
I was saying...? Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, I called you in
because I'd like to
discuss this business
of this imaginary Indian
you keep seeing
every night, Agarn.
Sir, believe me,
if you'll just sleep
in the NCO quarters tonight,
I'm sure you'll see him.
Well, I hardly think it's
worth moving my bed in there.
You can sleep in
my bed, captain.
I don't mind another
night in O'Rourke's bunk.
O'ROURKE: Well, it
was... It was either that
or sleeping with the lamp on
all night, sir.
Oh.
Well, I've been checking through
this cavalry manual,
and I've discovered
something very interesting.
What's that, captain?
If a soldier is stationed
for any length of time
in this territory,
one of the things
he may suffer from
is Indian fever.
Oh, sir, I've got it. I know it.
Here, sarge, feel that.
I'm burning up, right?
Your head is as cold as ice.
You see that?
Rigor mortis has set in.
What I'm trying to tell you
is that when a soldier
has Indian fever,
he imagines he sees Indians.
But sir, when I had
the German measles,
I didn't see any Germans.
I guess you do
have a point there.
Captain, I'm sure that the
pills that the medic gave him
will start to take
effect very soon now.
Let's hope so, sergeant,
because if it continues,
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to recommend a transfer
for Corporal Agarn.
A transfer, sir?
Yes, to an eastern fort,
away from the Indian territory.
Yeah, well, now, captain,
I'm sure that this is a
temporary condition.
Yes, you are not going to see
any imaginary Indians again,
now, are you, Agarn?
Oh, believe me, sir,
it's only temporary,
and I promise you, sarge,
I'll never see another Indian...
And there he is!
There who is? What?
That Indian!
Agarn!
I tell you, I saw him, sarge!
Well, he can't get very far.
Hey, Duffy!
Did you see an Indian
looking in the captain's window?
[WHOOPS]
You're just asking
for a court martial, Dobbs.
Are you starting to see
Indians too, O'Rourke?
If there was an Indian,
someone would have seen him.
Yes, but you can bet
me, they wouldn't admit it.
Oh, they're all against me, sir.
Oh?
You think all the men
are against you, corporal?
With the captain's
permission, sir, I suggest
we relieve Corporal
Agarn of his duties today
so he can get a little rest.
I think that's a very
good idea, sergeant.
I don't need the rest, captain!
It's that Indian running around
the camp who needs the rest!
Corporal Agarn, you
heard the captain.
Just go take one of your pills,
and lie down on your bunk.
Yes, you go ahead, corporal.
That's the best thing for you.
Right, sir.
You'd better come inside
and discuss this
further, sergeant.
I think it's more serious
than you imagine.
Oh, now, captain, I'm sure
that Corporal Agarn
is going to be all right.
Hi there.
[SPLASH]
Sergeant, you know how I feel
about Corporal Agarn.
He's a very valuable man
to have around the fort,
but we have to think
of his welfare first.
Yes, sir, but I'm sure
that Corporal Agarn
is on the road to recovery...
Captain Parmenter!
You saw another
Indian, corporal?
Yes, sir.
Where? In the well.
In the well? Yes, sir.
I wanted some
water to take my pill,
and when I cranked up the rope,
the Indian was
sitting in the bucket.
The Indian was
sitting in the bucket?
Come and see for yourselves!
Well, corporal,
where's the Indian?
Captain, he was
here a minute ago.
Come on up, you coward!
I know you're down there!
Agarn, there ain't
no Indian down there.
Corporal, I'm going
to have to reassign you
to a rear-echelon unit.
O'ROURKE: You
don't have to do that.
With the captain's
permission, may I suggest
you give Corporal
Agarn a week's furlough?
What good would that do?
Well, give him a chance
to rest, relax, unwind,
clear out his little
mixed-up head.
I guess I am a little
mixed-up, captain.
That may be a very good idea.
Yes, sir.
It might do you good to get
away from the rat race of the fort.
Thank you, sir.
I'll draw up the
furlough papers.
Thank you, sir.
Gee, that was
nice of you, sarge,
to suggest a furlough.
In my condition,
I could use a
week in Dodge City.
Dodge City?
No, the Hekawi camp.
The Hekawi camp?
Yeah, you can combine
business with pleasure,
look after our
souvenir business.
Wait a minute, sarge.
If I've got Indian fever,
why am I spending
a week with Indians?
When you fall off a horse,
you get right back
another horse, right? Right.
If you're seeing Indians, you
go to an Indian camp, right?
Well, that makes sense.
Not to me, but it makes sense.
Friends, Hekawis, countrymen,
we are gathered here today
to say goodbye
to Chief Wild Eagle
who has gone to last
big powwow in sky.
He was good chief, wise chief,
with heart as big as his mouth.
Again you try to bury me.
Oh, Chief Wild Eagle.
Just practicing speech I wrote
for when we wrap your
body in buffalo hide,
put it on your favorite pony,
and send him to...
Never mind the
funeral arrangements.
Must be prepared, chief.
You could go any minute.
That why you practice
funeral speech?
Have to practice.
Would you want me to say
burial speech for great chief
off top of head?
You keep practicing speech,
and you get tomahawk
off top of head.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Hey, Wild Eagle. Crazy Cat.
Hello, sergeant.
Hello, Agarn.
How.
Hey, Craze, you got a minute?
Do you walk in your sleep?
No.
Any of your friends
walk in theirs?
No.
I demand a roll
call of this tribe!
Agarn, will you cut that out?
Him acting very
strange, sergeant.
Well, he's got Indian fever.
What's Indian fever?
He keeps thinking
he sees an Indian
prowling around the fort.
And they call me Crazy Cat.
Do you mind if I check
into the camp for a week?
I'd just like to relax
and work this out of my system.
Glad to have you.
Three dollars a day.
Three dollars a day!
American plan.
I'll pick up the tab.
Oh, gee, sarge, that's
awful sweet of you.
Sergeant O'Rourke
always do nice things
for corporal.
Why you not do
nice things for me?
Only nice thing I can do for you
is drop dead, and that's out.
Chief, could you have
somebody show Agarn his teepee?
He really needs a lot of rest.
That teepee there, Agarn.
Thanks.
Aah! Indian! Indian!
Where? Where?
What am I saying?
Everybody here Indian.
But this Indian didn't
look like a Hekawi.
What he look like?
Well, he's got a
strong, muscular body,
a tough-looking face,
war paint on his cheeks,
a red band around his
head, and a tomahawk,
and a scalp
hanging from his belt.
That's what I call an Indian.
Oh, Agarn, it's
all in your mind.
No, corporal describe Apache.
We hear one of their
scouts in neighborhood.
You see, sarge?
I wasn't dreaming.
WILD EAGLE: Wish
you were dreaming.
What do you mean, Wild Eagle?
Understand big chief
Mean Buffalo of Apaches
may go on warpath.
AGARN: Where'd you hear that?
A little bird told me.
What are you talking
about, a little bird?
My friend Tiny Sparrow.
Live across the river.
Sarge, this could be trouble.
We'd better get
back to the fort.
You're right, Agarn.
We'll see you later, Wild Eagle.
Chief, look. Smoke signal.
Well, what does it say?
Crazy Cat, give me
my reading glasses.
It's from your Apache friend,
Chief Mean Buffalo.
Well? Well?
What does it say?
What does it say?
It say... "Greetings.
"Your tribe has been selected
"to serve in the
all-Indian army.
"Will contact you later.
"Sincerely, Chief Mean Buffalo.
P.S. Soldier dogs must die."
Him say that, not me.
Chief, they trying to draft us.
You're not going to go to
war against us, are you, chief?
Hekawis just put on camp shows.
Maybe they let us
just roll bandages.
Wild Eagle, you don't
want to attack the fort.
Don't let name
"Wild Eagle" fool you.
Had it changed from
"Yellow Chicken."
You'd better get to
that Mean Buffalo,
or we're all in trouble.
Think you can get
this Apache friend
to come to a treaty powwow?
I could try. All right.
I'll talk to Captain Parmenter,
and we'll set up the
powwow at the fort.
Come on, Agarn.
Take smoke-signal message.
Signal going to
Chief Mean Buffalo.
"Dear Meanie.
About this war..."
You've certainly gone all out
for this powwow, captain.
Oh, well, I don't want to take
all the credit, sergeant.
Janey's done most of the work.
And it was a smart
move, captain,
having Janey cook the dinner.
If you served that Apache
a meal from our mess hall,
you couldn't blame him
for going on the warpath.
Don't you worry
none about this dinner.
I'm fixing that chief a
big, juicy wild turkey.
Yeah, well, just to
be on the safe side,
don't let him do the carving.
Oh, by the way, sergeant,
I'd like to congratulate
you and Corporal Agarn
for arranging this treaty talk.
You've got to give Wild
Eagle a little credit too, sir.
He did talk Chief
Mean Buffalo into this.
Yeah, we're lucky
to have an ally
like Wild Eagle.
Honorable, friendly,
peace-loving...
And chicken.
Me think you make wise decision,
Chief Mean Buffalo.
Better to talk to
paleface than fight.
My tribe not afraid.
We fight till last Apache.
Hekawi feel same way.
Be glad to fight to last Apache.
If soldier dog make
bad treaty, we no sign.
Believe me, they
make you good deal.
Don't want soldier officer
think we come
as friendly Indians.
With those outfits,
you've got no worries.
How far fort from here?
Only stone's throw.
How far is stone's throw?
How far can you throw a stone?
Come.
One more thing, Wild Eagle.
What's that?
How you behave
when you eat with
paleface at fort?
Me not know.
Been at fort once
for light lunch.
Never have formal dinner.
Me not want to look like
savage arrive by canoe yesterday.
You play it safe.
How you mean? Watch soldiers.
Whatever they do, you do.
Well, I'm afraid I
don't know much
about Apache customs, captain.
Why do you want to know
their customs, Wilton?
Well, I don't want
to embarrass them.
I want them to feel at home.
Why don't we just
burn someone at
the stake, captain?
That's an old Apache custom.
I've got an idea, captain.
Just follow their lead.
That's an excellent
idea, sergeant.
Sure.
Whatever they do, we do.
How.
How.
How. How. How.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Captain... Wilton,
are you all right?
I told you to have
somebody fix that.
I'm sorry, sarge!
I've got a million
things on my mind...
Uh, allow me to
introduce myself.
My name is Captain Parmenter.
This is Corporal Agarn,
Sergeant O'Rourke,
and our hostess, Wrangler Jane.
Me Chief Mean Buffalo.
My assistant, Beware of Dog.
Pleased to meet you.
How are you, chief? Nice to...
Glad to see you, Beware of Dog.
Nice to see you.
Well, shall we all
get up and sit down?
You go right ahead.
I'll see about the turkey.
Oh, good, good.
Chief, right over here.
Uh, Beware of Dog.
Well, I certainly
want to thank you
for coming here
to talk to us, chief.
Did you have a
nice trip? [GRUNTS]
Wilton, perhaps I ought
to start serving dinner.
I don't want the
turkey to get cold.
Oh, good idea, Jane. Chief,
are you and Beware of Dog
ready to eat? Yes.
Good.
We can talk about
the treaty at dinner.
I hope you like wild turkey.
Well, shall we
all sit at the table?
Stop.
Chief... Wilton...
Thank you, Janey.
Now, chief...
about this treaty...
Well, shall we all
eat on the floor?
Oh, yeah!
I am sure the chief would be
more comfortable on the floor.
I love to eat on the floor.
In Passaic, we
always eat on the floor.
Oh, yes, yes.
Here we are, Agarn.
There. There.
Here's the salad.
Oh, thank you, Janey.
It certainly is
an interesting custom you have,
eating this way.
Apaches no eat this way.
You...? You don't
eat on the floor?
Me thought you eat on the floor.
Well, you put the
silverware down on...
You... Captain. I think, sir,
that they've been
following our lead.
Oh!
How about that, chief?
You were trying to
follow our customs
and we were trying
to follow yours.
You want to make
Apaches this welcome?
Apaches want to be friends.
Well, you certainly
won't regret it, chief.
Now can we eat at table?
This very bad for back.
Here, I'll take that
for you, captain.
Yes, here we go.
Beware of Dog, is it okay
if I call you Bow-wow?
Oh, look at this.
Look at this beautiful bird.
Oh, Janey, you've
outdone yourself
this time, you really have.
Well, I got to tell you, sarge,
it's nice to wake up at night
and not see Indians
staring in the window.
Nice for us too.
First time in a week
that F Troop's got
a good night's sleep.
Be back in a minute.
Got to get some water.
Yeah, all right, hurry up.
We've got to take
care of these horses.
Hi there.
[SPLASH]
Sarge, sarge, come quick!
What's the matter now?
There's a beautiful Indian girl
in that well.
Ah, are we going to
go through that again?
Sarge, I tell you,
it's no dream.
Remember, I seen her first.
Captain Parmenter, what
are you doing in there?
I was... leaning over
to get some water,
and my hat fell in,
and I reached
over to get it, and I...
Did you see a beautiful
Indian girl on the way up?
Agarn, you've got it
again, haven't you?
But, captain, I'm telling you...
Sarge, you've got to believe me!
[SPLASH]
What have you done?
You let the captain fall...
I thought it was an Indian girl!
Never mind about
the Indian girl!
There'll be furlough
all the rest of your life.
[♪♪♪]