F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 26 - Captain Parmenter, One Man Army - full transcript
When F Troop finds out that none of them are legally enlisted, the troopers leave and only Captain Parmenter remains to fight off an Indian attack.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat and
reversed it To victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop ♪
[♪♪♪]
How nice of you
to join us, Dobbs.
All right, sound retreat, Dobbs.
Uh, I can't, sir.
I-I can't find my bugle.
Okay, okay.
Which one of you
hid Dobbs' bugle?
Men, we can't have
retreat without a bugle.
All right, let's all
go and search for it.
You heard the captain.
And you stay with him
so you don't get lost.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, sarge, guess who's in town?
Who? "Cannonball."
Cannonball Bill
McCormick, our old captain?
Right. Where is he?
He's over at the saloon,
just passing through.
Well, what do you know?
Cannonball Bill McCormick.
F Troop's very first captain.
Eh. Remember
what a ramrod he was
when he first came to the fort?
Heh-heh. Yeah,
but I also remember
we bent him up pretty
good before he left.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[O'ROURKE LAUGHING]
All right, here we are.
Now let's have a
toast to our old captain,
Bill McCormick.
[ALL SHOUT]
Thanks, fellas.
We certainly did
have some good times
in the old days, captain.
[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah!
You remember the time
we put glue in your hat
and we had to
call the blacksmith
to get his hat off his head?
[ALL LAUGH]
Hoh! Hey!
And how about the
time we put grease
on your saddle and
you slid off the horse
in front of the
Inspector General?
[ALL LAUGH]
Y-You fellas really
played some tricks on me.
Remember the time when
your enlistments were all up?
Yeah. Yeah.
And I swore you in for
another two-year hitch?
Ha-ha-ha-ha! [ALL CHUCKLE]
[LAUGHING] The thing
you didn't know was that...
That I was retired
the day before that.
Ha-ha-ha!
You were sworn in by a civilian!
[ALL LAUGH]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
You mean, you
weren't in the Army
when you swore us in?
That's right. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Well, that means that
we ain't in the Army either.
You mean, we're civilians?
[GIGGLING] Yeah, That's right.
Well, I better be on my way.
So long, civilians!
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
What are we gonna do?
Well, it's simple, we just
go tell Captain Parmenter
what happened
and we'll re-enlist.
That's what...
That's exactly what we won't do.
Hm? Come here.
Come here.
You got that look
in your eyes, sarge.
Think, Agarn.
If we can get one
month as civilians,
just four little weeks,
we can make O'Rourke Enterprises
the biggest thing in the West.
You wanna leave Fort
Courage? Leave the captain?
No, no. Just long
enough to make a fortune.
Four little weeks,
that's all we need.
The... Here.
Heh-heh.
How do I look, huh?
Like a dude, sarge.
Attention!
You and your men are
out of uniform, sergeant.
No, it's not "sergeant"
anymore, sir,
it's "Mr. O'Rourke"
I don't understand. Corporal...
And it's not "corporal" anymore.
It's just plain "Mr. Agarn."
And I'd like you to
meet Mr. Hoffenmueller,
Mr. Dobbs, Mr. Duddleson.
Happy to know you,
Mr. Duddle... W-Wait a minute.
Oh, now, gentlemen,
I'm sorry, but the only one
called "mister" in the Army
is our Commander in Chief.
He's "Mr. President."
I'm afraid I can't
call you "Mister."
That's just the point,
sir, we're not in the Army,
As a matter of fact, we haven't
been for the last 20 months.
You haven't?
No, sir, you see, 20 months ago
when Captain
McCormick re-enlisted us,
he wasn't in the Army.
Well, come on, Agarn.
Let's turn in our equipment.
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING REVEILLE BADLY]
Why do you go
through all this, Wilton?
There ain't nobody
here but you and me.
I'm still in the Army, Janey,
and I must observe regulations.
One moment, please. I
have to dismiss myself.
Troop dismissed!
Well, what are you gonna do now?
Well, it's my duty to stay
here and guard the fort
until Washington can send
out replacements for F Troop.
See, I can't understand
why they'd want to leave.
You know, out of the
Army, unemployed,
Their lives must
be so dull, so empty.
What you gonna do, honey?
You going to leave Fort Courage?
Oh, yeah, I'm goi"
into show business.
I'm gonna play for one of
them big Eastern orchestras.
Them symphony orchestras.
How about you?
Oh, I go to Vienna,
open a brewery.
If you have just one
customer like yourself,
you'll get rich.
What are you gonna
do, Vanderbilt?
I'm going to medical school.
I'm gonna be a surgeon.
And I'm gonna take
a nap for a month.
Oh!
I'm goin' to California
and prospect for gold.
Eight men of the
troop are goin' with me:
Hogan, Ryan, Johnson...
Ah, well, now.
Greetings, fellow citizens.
DOBBS: Y'all look like a
page out of a mail-order catalog.
Look at that stickpin.
It's bright enough
to be a readin' lamp.
Congratulate us,
gentlemen. Congratulate us.
Agarn and me
here has just formed
the International
Trading Corporation.
And I am the vice president.
True, true, true.
You are witnessing the
beginning of an industrial empire,
This here saloon
is just the start.
Our emporium will soon
open across the street.
And this is only
the beginning, folks.
Our empire will
stretch all the way
from Bear's Head Junction
to Hogshead Gulch.
We will be bigger
than Wells Fargo.
Ah, yes, and you are fortunate,
gentlemen. Fortunate, indeed.
Because our very first
project will be to supply
the finest first-class,
custom-made gentleman's suits
west of the Big Muddy,
now that you are all civilians.
Sarge. What?
We got the last two suits in
town. Who's gonna make 'em?
Shh.
Double-breasted
herring bone suits
with a belt in the back?
Now, wait a minute!
There's nothing to
worry about, Wild Eagle.
You supply the labor,
we supply the material,
and we split, fifty-fifty.
I know your split.
Your fifty-fifty end
up eighty-twenty.
CRAZY CAT: This
time, put it in writing.
I sign.
You sign?
Me still chief.
You run pony wash.
And don't wash on rainy
day, get all muddy again.
Wild Eagle, we've got half a
dozen orders for you already.
Let 'em work all night,
we'll pay overtime.
Me set up clothing business.
Same like blankets,
only put in sleeves.
Same like moccasins
you make last year?
Fifty-four moccasins,
all for right foot.
All right, now, will
you two stop jawin'?
Here.
What that?
Well, it's a down
payment on the suits.
Those are solid gold pieces.
"Good for one horse-car ride,
Kansas City Transit System"?
And I thought you
said he couldn't read.
[♪♪♪]
Ah-ha-ha-ha, Here we are.
The finest wool from happy
sheep raised on first-class alfalfa.
There we go, what a lovely...
Beau-ti-ful! Beau-ti-ful!
It makes you look
young and thin.
Don't you think it's
kinda small and short?
It's the very latest thing.
You can wash your hands
without taking your jacket off.
But it's so tight. I
can't move my arms.
[SUIT RIPS]
How about that?
Yeah, well, this is
called the "vent-o-back,"
It keeps you cool in the summer.
Give the man the $15,
Vanderbilt. That's fine.
And away we go.
All right, there we go.
Next in line, please.
Ah-ha, look at this...
Seems kinda big, don't it?
Ah, button it, Dobbs, button it.
Oh, you are a
picture of splendor!
Look at this here now, Agarn...
DOBBS: The sleeves are too long.
Look at that fit. Trim and
slim for the spring, right?
Ha-ha-ha. Sleeves too long?
That is the newest
thing we have.
In the wintertime, you
see, you don't need gloves.
Sarge, this suit's
big as a tent!
Look at it this way, Dobbs.
A home away from home!
Fifteen bucks.
That's it, give him
that. That's a good boy.
There we... All right, next
in line. Here we go now.
What's wrong with these pants?
What's wrong with those pants?
Do you see anything
wrong with those pants?
No. Let's ask an
impartial judge.
What do you think, sarge?
I think they're
too good for him.
They're so tight,
I can't even walk!
You're not in the Army no more.
How much walkin' do you do?
That's right, give
the man the $15.
That's it, Duffy.
That's a good boy.
Ha, on the table. On the table.
Here we go, take
our first step now.
You just gotta break
'em in. Come on, walk.
Walk, walk, walk, walk.
Another satisfied customer.
"Uh, so I regret to
report "entire F Troop
"claims illegal re-enlistment,
"have abandoned Fort Courage,
"leaving only yours truly,
Captain Wilton Parmenter."
Oh, and Jane.
Yes, Wilton?
Just to make sure the
Shugs never find out
I'm alone at the fort,
here's our codebook.
You better send
the message in code.
[♪♪♪]
[CLICKING]
[CLICKING NOISE]
[IN NATIVE DIALECT]
Sasa, boom, boom.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Get those bags up there, Agarn.
That a boy. That's the way.
Here we go, right up there.
A special spot for ya.
Here, wait a minute.
Up. Aagh!
There we go. All right.
Well, we'll see
ya later, captain.
We're goin' to Dodge
City for the weekend!
[ALL CHEER]
The first civilian
weekend in two years!
[ALL CHEER]
Now, be careful, men.
You know, a big city like that
has a dance hall
that's open till 9:00,
and it's full of wine,
women and song.
Yeah!
Don't worry about
a thing, captain,
I hate music!
[ALL LAUGH]
All right, take it away!
Hey! Hey!
Any time you're ready!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
SOLDIER 1: See ya!
SOLDIER 2: Goodbye!
Well, Wilton,
we're alone at last.
Uh-huh.
Isn't it romantic?
Yes.
What do you wanna to do?
Well, I guess I'll
polish the cannon.
Oh. Well, I'll help.
No, no, no, no.
Section six, article four
states that government property
can only be handled
by Army personnel.
Oh. Sorry.
Is there anything
in the regulations
about kissing your girlfriend
while you're
polishing the cannon?
Captain!
Captain!
Captain Parmenter. Yes?
The Shugs are on the
warpath, headin' this way!
They're already
through Ladera Pass.
To the parapets, men!
Prepare for battle!
Sound the attack, Dobbs!
Dobbs?!
Oh, I forgot.
[GRUNTS]
[BUGLE SQUAWKING]
I hope that sounded
like "attack."
Uh, you guard the gate.
No, you guard the gate.
Hyah!
That man needs
medical attention.
If he'll settle for a
Shug medicine man
one ought to be along
in about 30 minutes.
With a few hundred friends!
Wilton, as soon as they
know it's just you and me
they'll charge us
from every direction.
Oh, we'd hold 'em off if
only I had Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn and
a few of my men. If we...
Jane, I want you to
leave the fort immediately.
Oh, wait a second.
What is it, Wilton? Look!
There's our men!
There's F Troop!
Wilton, I think you been
polishin' that cannon
in the sun too long.
No F Troop, huh? There will be.
[♪♪♪]
Well, how does it look, Jane?
Just like we got a
whole fort full of soldiers.
These here dressmakin'
dummies from the store
sure come in handy.
[WHOOPING]
Here they come, Wilton!
All right, sound the attack!
[BUGLE SQUAWKING "ATTACK"]
[SHUGS WHOOPING]
[IN NATIVE DIALECT]
I must be using slow bullets.
Did you see how long
it took to reach him?
You'd do that to Duddleson?
You'll pay for that!
[IN NATIVE DIALECT]
They're retreatin',
Wilton! They're retreatin'!
So they are!
Hee-hee-hee. Cease fire, men!
Cease fire!
Oh, my, look.
Look what they did
to O'Rourke's uniform.
We beat 'em, Wilton! We
beat 'em! Just you and me!
Well, what do you say, Wilton?
[SPLASHING]
Oh, Wilton.
We'd better send another wire
about those replacements, Janey.
We beat them off last week,
but one thing about those Shugs
is that they always come back.
Well, I better go
send that wire.
Goodbye, F Troop.
DOBBS: Beggin'
your captain's pardon.
Yes, what is it, Dobbs?
Dobbs! I thought you
were back in Dodge City!
Well, I came back.
I forgot my bugle.
Oh, well, there it is.
Thank you, sir.
Er, captain, would
you do me a favor?
Why, certainly.
Certainly, Dobbs.
Before I go, could I play
reveille one more time?
Why, of course.
[PLAYS REVEILLE]
I love this old bugle, sir.
I did buy a new
one in Dodge City.
I got me a tryout for a
symphony orchestra.
Oh, isn't that nice.
How did you make out?
I don't know.
I shut my eyes to
reach up for a high note
and when I opened 'em,
I was out on the sidewalk.
Well, didn't you try playing
"Swanee River" for them?
Yes, sir. But it
sounded like reveille.
I guess I belong
back in the Army.
Blowin' the bugle for F Troop,
and you, captain.
You mean you... You
want to re-enlist, Dobbs?
Yes, sir.
Oh-oh-oh, it's good
to have you back.
Now, if you'll just
fill out this form
and return it to me signed,
I'll administer the oath.
Oh. Sorry.
Well, I guess that
makes it official.
[♪♪♪]
Well,
maybe Dobbs and I
won't have to fight alone.
And we do swear to
uphold the Constitution
and the regulations of
the United States Army.
ALL: I do, sir. Yes, sir.
It's good to have you
back, Vanderbilt, Duddleson.
You, too, Hoffenmueller.
Jawohl, Herr Kapitän!
Nice to be back with you, sir.
Oh, by the way, is
the mess hall open?
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I made a nice beef stew.
Thank you, sir. Danke schön.
Is payday still Friday, sir?
Well, it's next Friday, why?
Could you use an
advance, Vanderbilt?
Oh, no, captain.
Borrowing is charity.
Could you spare $10 till Friday?
I sure missed you, sir.
Vanderbilt, you knucklehead!
Hello, captain.
Why, Duffy!
Did you find any gold?
Not a speck.
We panned two wagonloads
of gravel. Nothing.
Hogan here did
most of the panning.
Captain,
if you'll have us back,
sir, we'd like to re-enlist.
I'd be glad to
swear you back in.
Oh, by the way,
how is business with
Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn?
They're doin' great.
They're big executives now.
[♪♪♪]
What kind of a job is
this for the vice president
of the International
Trading Corporation?
Somebody's gotta do it.
Everybody else has re-enlisted.
Surely you wouldn't
want me to do it.
I mean, I'm the president.
Where's Captain Parmenter? What?
Watch it, I just
washed over there!
Comin' in here with
your muddy feet.
Where is he? I gotta find
him. He's not in his office.
What's the trouble? The Shugs.
They're planning another attack.
They're bringin' the
Apaches and the Comanches.
I gotta find the captain!
Never mind the captain,
you need a doctor!
The Apache! The
Comanche! The Shugs!
They'll wipe out F Troop!
Agarn, back in uniform!
Right, sarge!
Count us in, captain.
We'd like to give a hand, sir.
Oh, good, good, we need
all the men we can find.
Yeah, we heard there's
300 Injuns comin'.
So, what about it?
There's 15 of us, isn't there.
At the Alamo we were
outnumbered 100 to one!
Uh, we lost that one, Duffy.
Yeah, well, we won't
lose this one, sir!
No. Now, if you'll just
fill out these forms,
I'll administer the oath.
Well, we don't wanna get back
in the Army just yet, captain.
We... We just wanna give
you a hand against them Shugs.
You're not re-enlisting?
Oh, but gentlemen,
section seven, article five
states that no unauthorized
personnel may wear that uniform.
Well, couldn't you just
re-enlist us for one battle?
Yeah, just like
for overnight, sir.
No, no, no.
Section seven, article three
states that re-enlistment
must be for a term of
not less than two years.
Well,
there goes the International
Trading Corporation.
Hold it, Agarn.
Sorry, sir, but, well...
I guess we'll have
to be on our way.
PARMENTER: Oh, wait a minute.
Men, are you sure
you won't sign up?
No.
Come one, Agarn.
Turn in your uniform.
Captain, two Indians
are approaching!
Prepare to fire!
No, wait, wait!
They're carrying
a white flag, sir!
Oh, hold your fire, men!
Open the gate,
but be on the alert!
Greetings, we bring greetings.
Uh, greetings.
We bring gift for brave captain.
Careful, captain.
Might be a trick.
This no trick.
This real thing.
Why, he... He's the
chief of the Shugs!
DOBBS: You
sure it ain't a trick?
No trick. Gift from
Sergeant O'Rourke.
And Corporal Agarn!
PARMENTER: Sergeant O'Rourke!
Corporal Agarn!
How did you ever
capture the chief?
Well, the International Trading
Corporation can handle anything,
including disguises
and a little kidnapping.
The Shugs won't attack the fort
as long as we're holdin'
this chief as a hostage.
Take him away!
We figured that'd give you
the time to get reinforcements.
Well, this will mean a
special citation for bravery
for both of you.
But, sir, how can you
give a military citation
to a couple of civilians?
PARMENTER: Oh. Yes, I forgot.
Section 21, article
seven prohibits that.
Don't worry about a thing,
as soon as he re-enlists us,
you'll be Corporal Agarn
and I'll be Sergeant O'Rourke.
Right, sarge!
Well, sound assembly, Dobbs.
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING "ASSEMBLY"]
All right, now. Let's
look alive, here.
Come on, get in
some kind of a line.
Remember we're soldiers.
All right, down
off of that parapet.
Shape up there, Duddleson.
All right. Atten-hut!
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
So I see, sergeant.
So I see.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, soldier. Get
outta that suit.
You're back in the Army
now, put on a uniform.
Uh, just a minute
there, soldier.
You're out of uniform.
Hey!
[YELLS IN NATIVE DIALECT]
Oona poona mala goona.
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat and
reversed it To victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop ♪
[♪♪♪]
How nice of you
to join us, Dobbs.
All right, sound retreat, Dobbs.
Uh, I can't, sir.
I-I can't find my bugle.
Okay, okay.
Which one of you
hid Dobbs' bugle?
Men, we can't have
retreat without a bugle.
All right, let's all
go and search for it.
You heard the captain.
And you stay with him
so you don't get lost.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, sarge, guess who's in town?
Who? "Cannonball."
Cannonball Bill
McCormick, our old captain?
Right. Where is he?
He's over at the saloon,
just passing through.
Well, what do you know?
Cannonball Bill McCormick.
F Troop's very first captain.
Eh. Remember
what a ramrod he was
when he first came to the fort?
Heh-heh. Yeah,
but I also remember
we bent him up pretty
good before he left.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[O'ROURKE LAUGHING]
All right, here we are.
Now let's have a
toast to our old captain,
Bill McCormick.
[ALL SHOUT]
Thanks, fellas.
We certainly did
have some good times
in the old days, captain.
[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah!
You remember the time
we put glue in your hat
and we had to
call the blacksmith
to get his hat off his head?
[ALL LAUGH]
Hoh! Hey!
And how about the
time we put grease
on your saddle and
you slid off the horse
in front of the
Inspector General?
[ALL LAUGH]
Y-You fellas really
played some tricks on me.
Remember the time when
your enlistments were all up?
Yeah. Yeah.
And I swore you in for
another two-year hitch?
Ha-ha-ha-ha! [ALL CHUCKLE]
[LAUGHING] The thing
you didn't know was that...
That I was retired
the day before that.
Ha-ha-ha!
You were sworn in by a civilian!
[ALL LAUGH]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
You mean, you
weren't in the Army
when you swore us in?
That's right. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Well, that means that
we ain't in the Army either.
You mean, we're civilians?
[GIGGLING] Yeah, That's right.
Well, I better be on my way.
So long, civilians!
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
What are we gonna do?
Well, it's simple, we just
go tell Captain Parmenter
what happened
and we'll re-enlist.
That's what...
That's exactly what we won't do.
Hm? Come here.
Come here.
You got that look
in your eyes, sarge.
Think, Agarn.
If we can get one
month as civilians,
just four little weeks,
we can make O'Rourke Enterprises
the biggest thing in the West.
You wanna leave Fort
Courage? Leave the captain?
No, no. Just long
enough to make a fortune.
Four little weeks,
that's all we need.
The... Here.
Heh-heh.
How do I look, huh?
Like a dude, sarge.
Attention!
You and your men are
out of uniform, sergeant.
No, it's not "sergeant"
anymore, sir,
it's "Mr. O'Rourke"
I don't understand. Corporal...
And it's not "corporal" anymore.
It's just plain "Mr. Agarn."
And I'd like you to
meet Mr. Hoffenmueller,
Mr. Dobbs, Mr. Duddleson.
Happy to know you,
Mr. Duddle... W-Wait a minute.
Oh, now, gentlemen,
I'm sorry, but the only one
called "mister" in the Army
is our Commander in Chief.
He's "Mr. President."
I'm afraid I can't
call you "Mister."
That's just the point,
sir, we're not in the Army,
As a matter of fact, we haven't
been for the last 20 months.
You haven't?
No, sir, you see, 20 months ago
when Captain
McCormick re-enlisted us,
he wasn't in the Army.
Well, come on, Agarn.
Let's turn in our equipment.
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING REVEILLE BADLY]
Why do you go
through all this, Wilton?
There ain't nobody
here but you and me.
I'm still in the Army, Janey,
and I must observe regulations.
One moment, please. I
have to dismiss myself.
Troop dismissed!
Well, what are you gonna do now?
Well, it's my duty to stay
here and guard the fort
until Washington can send
out replacements for F Troop.
See, I can't understand
why they'd want to leave.
You know, out of the
Army, unemployed,
Their lives must
be so dull, so empty.
What you gonna do, honey?
You going to leave Fort Courage?
Oh, yeah, I'm goi"
into show business.
I'm gonna play for one of
them big Eastern orchestras.
Them symphony orchestras.
How about you?
Oh, I go to Vienna,
open a brewery.
If you have just one
customer like yourself,
you'll get rich.
What are you gonna
do, Vanderbilt?
I'm going to medical school.
I'm gonna be a surgeon.
And I'm gonna take
a nap for a month.
Oh!
I'm goin' to California
and prospect for gold.
Eight men of the
troop are goin' with me:
Hogan, Ryan, Johnson...
Ah, well, now.
Greetings, fellow citizens.
DOBBS: Y'all look like a
page out of a mail-order catalog.
Look at that stickpin.
It's bright enough
to be a readin' lamp.
Congratulate us,
gentlemen. Congratulate us.
Agarn and me
here has just formed
the International
Trading Corporation.
And I am the vice president.
True, true, true.
You are witnessing the
beginning of an industrial empire,
This here saloon
is just the start.
Our emporium will soon
open across the street.
And this is only
the beginning, folks.
Our empire will
stretch all the way
from Bear's Head Junction
to Hogshead Gulch.
We will be bigger
than Wells Fargo.
Ah, yes, and you are fortunate,
gentlemen. Fortunate, indeed.
Because our very first
project will be to supply
the finest first-class,
custom-made gentleman's suits
west of the Big Muddy,
now that you are all civilians.
Sarge. What?
We got the last two suits in
town. Who's gonna make 'em?
Shh.
Double-breasted
herring bone suits
with a belt in the back?
Now, wait a minute!
There's nothing to
worry about, Wild Eagle.
You supply the labor,
we supply the material,
and we split, fifty-fifty.
I know your split.
Your fifty-fifty end
up eighty-twenty.
CRAZY CAT: This
time, put it in writing.
I sign.
You sign?
Me still chief.
You run pony wash.
And don't wash on rainy
day, get all muddy again.
Wild Eagle, we've got half a
dozen orders for you already.
Let 'em work all night,
we'll pay overtime.
Me set up clothing business.
Same like blankets,
only put in sleeves.
Same like moccasins
you make last year?
Fifty-four moccasins,
all for right foot.
All right, now, will
you two stop jawin'?
Here.
What that?
Well, it's a down
payment on the suits.
Those are solid gold pieces.
"Good for one horse-car ride,
Kansas City Transit System"?
And I thought you
said he couldn't read.
[♪♪♪]
Ah-ha-ha-ha, Here we are.
The finest wool from happy
sheep raised on first-class alfalfa.
There we go, what a lovely...
Beau-ti-ful! Beau-ti-ful!
It makes you look
young and thin.
Don't you think it's
kinda small and short?
It's the very latest thing.
You can wash your hands
without taking your jacket off.
But it's so tight. I
can't move my arms.
[SUIT RIPS]
How about that?
Yeah, well, this is
called the "vent-o-back,"
It keeps you cool in the summer.
Give the man the $15,
Vanderbilt. That's fine.
And away we go.
All right, there we go.
Next in line, please.
Ah-ha, look at this...
Seems kinda big, don't it?
Ah, button it, Dobbs, button it.
Oh, you are a
picture of splendor!
Look at this here now, Agarn...
DOBBS: The sleeves are too long.
Look at that fit. Trim and
slim for the spring, right?
Ha-ha-ha. Sleeves too long?
That is the newest
thing we have.
In the wintertime, you
see, you don't need gloves.
Sarge, this suit's
big as a tent!
Look at it this way, Dobbs.
A home away from home!
Fifteen bucks.
That's it, give him
that. That's a good boy.
There we... All right, next
in line. Here we go now.
What's wrong with these pants?
What's wrong with those pants?
Do you see anything
wrong with those pants?
No. Let's ask an
impartial judge.
What do you think, sarge?
I think they're
too good for him.
They're so tight,
I can't even walk!
You're not in the Army no more.
How much walkin' do you do?
That's right, give
the man the $15.
That's it, Duffy.
That's a good boy.
Ha, on the table. On the table.
Here we go, take
our first step now.
You just gotta break
'em in. Come on, walk.
Walk, walk, walk, walk.
Another satisfied customer.
"Uh, so I regret to
report "entire F Troop
"claims illegal re-enlistment,
"have abandoned Fort Courage,
"leaving only yours truly,
Captain Wilton Parmenter."
Oh, and Jane.
Yes, Wilton?
Just to make sure the
Shugs never find out
I'm alone at the fort,
here's our codebook.
You better send
the message in code.
[♪♪♪]
[CLICKING]
[CLICKING NOISE]
[IN NATIVE DIALECT]
Sasa, boom, boom.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Get those bags up there, Agarn.
That a boy. That's the way.
Here we go, right up there.
A special spot for ya.
Here, wait a minute.
Up. Aagh!
There we go. All right.
Well, we'll see
ya later, captain.
We're goin' to Dodge
City for the weekend!
[ALL CHEER]
The first civilian
weekend in two years!
[ALL CHEER]
Now, be careful, men.
You know, a big city like that
has a dance hall
that's open till 9:00,
and it's full of wine,
women and song.
Yeah!
Don't worry about
a thing, captain,
I hate music!
[ALL LAUGH]
All right, take it away!
Hey! Hey!
Any time you're ready!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
SOLDIER 1: See ya!
SOLDIER 2: Goodbye!
Well, Wilton,
we're alone at last.
Uh-huh.
Isn't it romantic?
Yes.
What do you wanna to do?
Well, I guess I'll
polish the cannon.
Oh. Well, I'll help.
No, no, no, no.
Section six, article four
states that government property
can only be handled
by Army personnel.
Oh. Sorry.
Is there anything
in the regulations
about kissing your girlfriend
while you're
polishing the cannon?
Captain!
Captain!
Captain Parmenter. Yes?
The Shugs are on the
warpath, headin' this way!
They're already
through Ladera Pass.
To the parapets, men!
Prepare for battle!
Sound the attack, Dobbs!
Dobbs?!
Oh, I forgot.
[GRUNTS]
[BUGLE SQUAWKING]
I hope that sounded
like "attack."
Uh, you guard the gate.
No, you guard the gate.
Hyah!
That man needs
medical attention.
If he'll settle for a
Shug medicine man
one ought to be along
in about 30 minutes.
With a few hundred friends!
Wilton, as soon as they
know it's just you and me
they'll charge us
from every direction.
Oh, we'd hold 'em off if
only I had Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn and
a few of my men. If we...
Jane, I want you to
leave the fort immediately.
Oh, wait a second.
What is it, Wilton? Look!
There's our men!
There's F Troop!
Wilton, I think you been
polishin' that cannon
in the sun too long.
No F Troop, huh? There will be.
[♪♪♪]
Well, how does it look, Jane?
Just like we got a
whole fort full of soldiers.
These here dressmakin'
dummies from the store
sure come in handy.
[WHOOPING]
Here they come, Wilton!
All right, sound the attack!
[BUGLE SQUAWKING "ATTACK"]
[SHUGS WHOOPING]
[IN NATIVE DIALECT]
I must be using slow bullets.
Did you see how long
it took to reach him?
You'd do that to Duddleson?
You'll pay for that!
[IN NATIVE DIALECT]
They're retreatin',
Wilton! They're retreatin'!
So they are!
Hee-hee-hee. Cease fire, men!
Cease fire!
Oh, my, look.
Look what they did
to O'Rourke's uniform.
We beat 'em, Wilton! We
beat 'em! Just you and me!
Well, what do you say, Wilton?
[SPLASHING]
Oh, Wilton.
We'd better send another wire
about those replacements, Janey.
We beat them off last week,
but one thing about those Shugs
is that they always come back.
Well, I better go
send that wire.
Goodbye, F Troop.
DOBBS: Beggin'
your captain's pardon.
Yes, what is it, Dobbs?
Dobbs! I thought you
were back in Dodge City!
Well, I came back.
I forgot my bugle.
Oh, well, there it is.
Thank you, sir.
Er, captain, would
you do me a favor?
Why, certainly.
Certainly, Dobbs.
Before I go, could I play
reveille one more time?
Why, of course.
[PLAYS REVEILLE]
I love this old bugle, sir.
I did buy a new
one in Dodge City.
I got me a tryout for a
symphony orchestra.
Oh, isn't that nice.
How did you make out?
I don't know.
I shut my eyes to
reach up for a high note
and when I opened 'em,
I was out on the sidewalk.
Well, didn't you try playing
"Swanee River" for them?
Yes, sir. But it
sounded like reveille.
I guess I belong
back in the Army.
Blowin' the bugle for F Troop,
and you, captain.
You mean you... You
want to re-enlist, Dobbs?
Yes, sir.
Oh-oh-oh, it's good
to have you back.
Now, if you'll just
fill out this form
and return it to me signed,
I'll administer the oath.
Oh. Sorry.
Well, I guess that
makes it official.
[♪♪♪]
Well,
maybe Dobbs and I
won't have to fight alone.
And we do swear to
uphold the Constitution
and the regulations of
the United States Army.
ALL: I do, sir. Yes, sir.
It's good to have you
back, Vanderbilt, Duddleson.
You, too, Hoffenmueller.
Jawohl, Herr Kapitän!
Nice to be back with you, sir.
Oh, by the way, is
the mess hall open?
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I made a nice beef stew.
Thank you, sir. Danke schön.
Is payday still Friday, sir?
Well, it's next Friday, why?
Could you use an
advance, Vanderbilt?
Oh, no, captain.
Borrowing is charity.
Could you spare $10 till Friday?
I sure missed you, sir.
Vanderbilt, you knucklehead!
Hello, captain.
Why, Duffy!
Did you find any gold?
Not a speck.
We panned two wagonloads
of gravel. Nothing.
Hogan here did
most of the panning.
Captain,
if you'll have us back,
sir, we'd like to re-enlist.
I'd be glad to
swear you back in.
Oh, by the way,
how is business with
Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn?
They're doin' great.
They're big executives now.
[♪♪♪]
What kind of a job is
this for the vice president
of the International
Trading Corporation?
Somebody's gotta do it.
Everybody else has re-enlisted.
Surely you wouldn't
want me to do it.
I mean, I'm the president.
Where's Captain Parmenter? What?
Watch it, I just
washed over there!
Comin' in here with
your muddy feet.
Where is he? I gotta find
him. He's not in his office.
What's the trouble? The Shugs.
They're planning another attack.
They're bringin' the
Apaches and the Comanches.
I gotta find the captain!
Never mind the captain,
you need a doctor!
The Apache! The
Comanche! The Shugs!
They'll wipe out F Troop!
Agarn, back in uniform!
Right, sarge!
Count us in, captain.
We'd like to give a hand, sir.
Oh, good, good, we need
all the men we can find.
Yeah, we heard there's
300 Injuns comin'.
So, what about it?
There's 15 of us, isn't there.
At the Alamo we were
outnumbered 100 to one!
Uh, we lost that one, Duffy.
Yeah, well, we won't
lose this one, sir!
No. Now, if you'll just
fill out these forms,
I'll administer the oath.
Well, we don't wanna get back
in the Army just yet, captain.
We... We just wanna give
you a hand against them Shugs.
You're not re-enlisting?
Oh, but gentlemen,
section seven, article five
states that no unauthorized
personnel may wear that uniform.
Well, couldn't you just
re-enlist us for one battle?
Yeah, just like
for overnight, sir.
No, no, no.
Section seven, article three
states that re-enlistment
must be for a term of
not less than two years.
Well,
there goes the International
Trading Corporation.
Hold it, Agarn.
Sorry, sir, but, well...
I guess we'll have
to be on our way.
PARMENTER: Oh, wait a minute.
Men, are you sure
you won't sign up?
No.
Come one, Agarn.
Turn in your uniform.
Captain, two Indians
are approaching!
Prepare to fire!
No, wait, wait!
They're carrying
a white flag, sir!
Oh, hold your fire, men!
Open the gate,
but be on the alert!
Greetings, we bring greetings.
Uh, greetings.
We bring gift for brave captain.
Careful, captain.
Might be a trick.
This no trick.
This real thing.
Why, he... He's the
chief of the Shugs!
DOBBS: You
sure it ain't a trick?
No trick. Gift from
Sergeant O'Rourke.
And Corporal Agarn!
PARMENTER: Sergeant O'Rourke!
Corporal Agarn!
How did you ever
capture the chief?
Well, the International Trading
Corporation can handle anything,
including disguises
and a little kidnapping.
The Shugs won't attack the fort
as long as we're holdin'
this chief as a hostage.
Take him away!
We figured that'd give you
the time to get reinforcements.
Well, this will mean a
special citation for bravery
for both of you.
But, sir, how can you
give a military citation
to a couple of civilians?
PARMENTER: Oh. Yes, I forgot.
Section 21, article
seven prohibits that.
Don't worry about a thing,
as soon as he re-enlists us,
you'll be Corporal Agarn
and I'll be Sergeant O'Rourke.
Right, sarge!
Well, sound assembly, Dobbs.
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING "ASSEMBLY"]
All right, now. Let's
look alive, here.
Come on, get in
some kind of a line.
Remember we're soldiers.
All right, down
off of that parapet.
Shape up there, Duddleson.
All right. Atten-hut!
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
So I see, sergeant.
So I see.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, soldier. Get
outta that suit.
You're back in the Army
now, put on a uniform.
Uh, just a minute
there, soldier.
You're out of uniform.
Hey!
[YELLS IN NATIVE DIALECT]
Oona poona mala goona.
[♪♪♪]