F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 25 - Reunion for O'Rourke - full transcript

O'Rourke has been in the Army for twenty-five years.

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

The injuns!

Injun attack!

Indian? Hey.

Oh!

[PLAYING "CHARGE"]



To the parapets, men!

Charge!

[GROANS]

[GUNSHOT]

It's the Shugs or Comanches,
or Apaches or somebody.

There's millions of them.

DOBBS: Vanderbilt,
will you cut that out.

There ain't no
Indians in here yet.

Sorry about that, Dobbs.

[GUNSHOTS]

Why can't I have
a furlough, captain?

I-I told you, sergeant.
It's in the manual

under "Indian uprisings,
no time off during."

Ah! Great.

Serve your country for 25 years,

you need a furlough,
you can't get one.

You've been in the
service for 25 years?

This month.

And I got to get back
East. Now, how about it?

No, no, I'm sorry, sergeant,
it's out of the question.

A furlough is just
out of the question.

This is our busy season.

I-I will see to it
that you get a cake.

Oh. Hm.

Now, let's get
back to the Indians.

Injuns?

Them ain't no... Vanderbilt!

Them ain't no injuns!

If they ain't Indians, why
are they wearing feathers?

[GOBBLING]

Well, those turkeys
won't be attacking

this fort for a long time
to come, huh, Dobbs?

Ha. No, sir. Guess
we taught 'em a lesson.

You know, I think Vanderbilt's
eyesight is improving.

Last time he
called Indian attack,

it turned out to be buffalo.

At least turkeys wear feathers.

[LAUGHS]

[CRUNCH]

[GROANS]

Scrappy little devil, wasn't he?

Oh, darn it. Those
are my good boots too.

Don't worry about it, sir.

I-I'll clean them up
right after dinner.

Thank you.

[CRUNCH]

Mm!

I'll tell you one
thing about this bird,

he went down fightin'.

Scrappy little devil.

Somebody got him in the leg.

Did I ask for a promotion? No.

Did I ask for a transfer? No.

One miserable
furlough, that's all I need.

What's the rush?

I read someplace east is
gonna be there for years.

Yeah? Well, did you
read about our souvenirs?

They're gonna be in the
Hekawi camp for years

if I don't find a big
buyer, and soon.

Agarn, I told you, I
gotta get a furlough,

and you gotta help me.

Sarge, you must be crackin' up.

You expect me to change the mind

of an officer, a captain,

the commander of this
whole military installation?

Me? A crummy,
insignificant little corporal

with two stripes? Ha!

Yeah? Then you can just
forget about your share

of the profits in the souvenirs.

Where you going?

To tell the captain
where he gets off.

Don't forget, Napoleon
was a corporal too.

Yeah, well, you'll look
more military without the bib.

Captain, sir.

I come to talk to you about

a matter of the
gravest importance.

Do you realize that loyal,

conscientious, diligent,

hardworking, lovable
Sergeant O'Rourke

is at this very
minute... Ah-ah-ah.

It'll have to wait, corporal.

I wanna talk to you
about Sergeant O'Rourke.

I'm ready for the other foot.

Oh. Well, it's... bound to
be around there someplace.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ooh!

Captain?

You all right, sir?

Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine. Now...

Now, where was...? Oh, yes.

Corporal, do you realize
that Sergeant O'Rourke

is about to celebrate
his 25th year

in the military service?

Yes, sir. That's why I thought

a furlough might be the...

The Army owes him
a debt of gratitude

it can never hope
to repay. Never.

Yes, sir. That's
why I thought...

Unfortunately,

we can't afford to spare him,

not even for a moment.

Uh, Indians and
that sort of thing.

However, I've come
up with a better idea.

We'll give him a surprise
testimonial dinner.

Yes, sir, that's
why I thought...

A testimonial dinner?

Yes. His fellow troopers,

the townspeople who
admire and respect him.

We'll gather them together

to pay homage to
our gallant sergeant.

Oh, that's beautiful. That
is just beautiful, captain.

Beau-ti-ful. Dobbs,
isn't that beautiful?

DOBBS: Not to me.

If I had my druthers,
I'd rather see my friends.

Well, he... He won't
have to go home.

Why can't they come out here?

The sergeant's friends?

Yes. He's bound to have some.

Corporal, I want you

to find out who the
sergeant's oldest friends are,

and get them all out
here for the big event.

Me, sir? Oh, what an honor.

As a matter of fact, corporal,

I'm placing you in
charge of the entire affair.

Dobbs, you can be his assistant.

Thank you. Thank you, captain.

Now remember, this whole
operation is top-secret.

Get that list of Sergeant
O'Rourke's friends,

but don't give him an
inkling of what we're doing.

You have my word on that,
sir. Not a single, solitary "ink."

Oh, whoa!

Just make yourself comfortable.
I'll finish you off down there.

You mean you
didn't even ask him?

I couldn't, sarge. He
kept falling off his chair.

Too bad you don't have
an emergency back East,

like a... sick friend.

You... do have a
friend, don't you?

Wilma.

Who? Wilma McGee.

Wilma McGee!

O'ROURKE: What
are you shouting about?

Sorry, sarge. It's such a pretty
name, and... Who is Wilma?

[CHUCKLES]

My old girlfriend
back in Steubenville.

[LOUDLY] Steubenville, Ohio?

O'ROURKE: Will
you stop screaming?

Didn't I ever tell
you about Wilma?

Promised to wait for me

when I joined up
for the Mexican War.

And did she?

Sure did.

'Course, she got married
while she was waiting.

She's a widow now, in Brooklyn.

[LOUDLY] Oh, Brooklyn,
not Steubenville!

That's right!

Husband died and
left her a big business.

Don't tell me you never heard of
the McGee Emporium in Brooklyn.

Hey, that reminds me.

I just got a telegram
from Wilma.

No kidding. When? I
didn't see no telegram.

Of course not. I
ain't wrote it yet.

"Very ill, fading fast.

"Come before it is too late.

Love, Wilma."

Oh, she must be
on the very brink, sir.

Well, we all share in
your grief, sergeant,

but I'm afraid that doesn't
change regulations.

We're still in danger of attack.

What, from turkeys?
Agarn can take care of them.

With a bow and arrow.

Them bullets is
murder on my teeth.

Next time, it may
not be poultry.

It could be Apaches.

Sir, she has been
waiting for me for 25 years.

And now that the end is near,

when she calls my
name, I will not be there.

Ah, don't worry about it, sarge.

She'll be so sick, she
won't even notice it.

Sergeant, in winning the West,

we must all make sacrifices.

You'd better go out and
check our defenses now.

This is real Indian
attack weather.

Yes, sir.

Thanks, pal.

Bye, sarge.

It's goin' great. He
don't suspect a thing.

I've lined up his
old schoolteacher,

and I'll send a wire
off to Wilma right away.

Fine, fine. And get him talking
about his old Army buddies.

We need few of those. And, uh...

Oh, you'd better line up
an entertainment chairman.

Don't worry. I'll
take care of that.

Nobody knows more about
entertainment than me.

Wild Eagle, the
captain's counting on you!

You've gotta come
up with something!

Agarn, me be big
hit at party. Do magic.

Crazy Cat,
A-number-one magician.

Show trick, Crazy.

You betum. Corporal,
needum watch.

Also, needum neck hankie.

Now, watchum watch.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

No worry, corporal.
Watchum watch.

Hey, that's some junk!

[WILD EAGLE LAUGHS]

You another Wild Eagle, Crazy.

Now for magic.

[SPEAKING IN HEKAWI]

Also do imitations.

Like to see me do imitation
of Benjamin Franklin?

Why don't you go fly a kite.

That part of act.

Why, you...

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERS] Dobbs! Dobbs!

We gotta get more names.

You got your notebook?

[WHISPERS] Right here, corporal.

And watch your spellin'.

I nearly sent a
wire to Geronimo.

Man, he ain't one
of the sarge's pals.

How do you spell Geronimo?

J-E-R...

[MUTTERS]

You're pushing me,
Dobbs. You're pushing me.

Now, get over there
under the window. Go on.

Where you been?

Over to the Hekawis,
like you told me.

Wild Eagle says
he'll cut production

till you come up with a buyer.

A buyer? How am I gonna get
a buyer if I don't get back East?

How do I get East
without a furlough?

And how do I get a
furlough if you don't help me?

I am helping you, sarge! Relax.

Good. Just got to get back East.

My appendix,
that's it. It's busted.

How could it? You
had it cut out in Texas.

Well, it grew back!

I gotta see my family
doc in Steubenville.

Why don't we wire him?
Maybe he'll make a house call.

O'ROURKE: Whose side are you on?

I thought you was
my friend. I am.

Name one friend who's
done more for you than I have.

Jim Sweeney. Now,
there was a friend.

[LOUDLY] Jim Sweeney. Who's he?

Sheriff over at Tombstone.
My first pal in the service.

[NORMAL VOICE]
All right, Jim Sweeney.

But name one other friend
who makes me look like a rat.

Aw, there's dozens. Heh.

Mike O'Hanlon, Bill O'Connell,
Jessie McFail, Frank McCull,

Kevin O'Driscoll, Sean
Kelly, Matt O'Neal.

I tell ya, the list is endless.

Now, who do you have on
the decorating committee?

Vanderbilt, sir. And
he's very artistic.

Good. Well, make sure
he gets lots of shamrocks.

And some big banners too.

All taken care of, sir.

And the sergeant's
dearest friends?

Yes, sir, we got
a list a mile long.

And Janey's handling
the refreshments.

Well, corporal, I
must say you're doing

an excellent job. Oh,
thank you, captain.

I am still concerned
about the entertainment.

What has Chief Wild
Eagle come up with?

I'm glad you asked
that, captain, glad.

Oh? Why?

'Cause I better go ask
Wild Eagle the same thing.

If their contribution to
the evening's festivities

isn't decided upon soon, maybe
we better forget about them.

Oh, let's not be hasty, captain.

I'm sure Wild Eagle will
come up with something.

[CHANTING IN HEKAWI]

AGARN: No. No good!

No good. No good.

What you know
about entertainment?!

Rain dance always stop show.

Yeah? Well, we don't
want it raining in the saloon.

Whiskey's cut enough already.
Come up with something else.

Okay, what you think of this?

Oh-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-koh-oh-oh.

Mating call of bird.

What kind of bird is that?

When mate show
up, I let you know.

Now, look, chief,

the captain unraveled miles
of red tape to get an okay,

before you and your
braves could come into town.

You better work up
something legitimate.

Okay.

Me give after-dinner
speech on American history.

Oh, that sounds
very entertaining.

We can use the sleep.

I tell him how
Hekawi get the name.

There's a question

that must be on
everybody's lips.

Come to think of it,

how did the Hekawis
get their name?

Glad you asked.

Many moons ago...
tribe leave Massachusetts

because Pilgrims
ruin neighborhood.

Tribe travel west, over stream,

over river, over
mountain, over mountain,

over river, over stream.

Then come big day.

Tribe fall over cliff.

That when Hekawi get name.

Medicine man say
to my ancestor...

"I think we lost. Where
the heck are we?"

"Where the hek-a-wi?"

Chief, you know
what your tribe needs?

Another cliff.

Another cliff?

Well, tonight's the big night.

Are you sure O'Rourke
doesn't suspect anything?

Oh, no, sir.

He still thinks Corporal Agarn
is trying to get him a furlough.

[LAUGHS]

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Boy,
is he gonna be surprised.

[STAMMERS]

Why, Janey, that
dress is most becoming.

Well, thank you, Wilton.

I figured it would look better
than my britches and boots.

It does make you
look more like a girl.

How about the refreshments?

Well, shucks. I fixed up
a whole batch of goodies.

Oh, fine. Fine.

Have Sergeant
O'Rourke's friends arrived?

Oh, yes, sir. They're all
stashed away over at the hotel.

Good. And you had his
initials put on that gold watch.

Sure did. Got it right here.

Ah. Well, then, I guess
everything's ready

for the guest of honor.

Corporal, where's
Sergeant O'Rourke?

Aw, it's awful, captain.

He's sitting on his bunk moping.

Says he ain't going no place.

Why, he can't do that.
He's the guest of honor.

OH, he's mad because
everybody forgot his anniversary.

Says he ain't budging,
and nobody can make him.

That's ridiculous.

You can't have a testimonial
without a guest of honor.

What are we gonna do, sir?

Only one thing
we can do, captain.

What's that?

Just have to scratch
his initials off that watch.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Good evening, Sergeant O'Rourke.

Yeah.

Say, how about coming
over to the saloon with us?

Sarsaparillas are on me.

If you don't mind, I've
gone on the wagon.

Oh, is he stubborn!

Why do you wanna
sit here and mope?!

Because I like to sit here
and mope, that's why!

Uh, I don't generally
like to pull rank, sergeant,

but this is your captain
making the request.

So let's get started for
the saloon, shall we?

Meaning no disrespect,
when I'm off-duty,

I don't have to
go nowhere... sir.

Hey, captain, ain't that mutiny?

PARMENTER: No, Dobbs.
No, not according to the manual.

He's entitled to his free time.

Article 14, section three:

You can invite a horse
soldier to sarsaparilla,

but you cannot make him drink.

Oh, yeah? Well, I can.

No! Don't...!

What do we do now, captain?

You knocked him cold.

What do you think? Get his hat.

Yeah. Go ahead, Dobbs.

I think the sergeant
is just about ready

to attend his testimonial.

Just a furlough, captain.

You see, I gotta get back
there for Wilma's appendix...

Now!

[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

[SLURRING] Huh? What is this?

[STAMMERS]

["FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD
FELLOW" PLAYING ON PIANO]

[O'ROURKE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

GUESTS: ♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

[PIANO STOPS PLAYING]

[LAUGHS]

Wait, wait. All of this for me?

What? Agarn, you
shouldn't have done it.

I didn't. It was
the captain's idea.

What? Congratulations, sergeant.

I now give you our
master of ceremonies,

Corporal Randolph
Agarn. [APPLAUSE]

Hey!

All right, all right.
Sit down. Sit down.

Sarge... we are all
assembled here tonight

to help you celebrate

your 25 years of
service to your country.

Morgan O'Rourke,
this is your night.

[PLAYS UPBEAT MELODY]

Agarn, friends. Ah...

Not yet, sarge. I
got more to say. Oh.

And in honor of this
here festive occasion,

we have gathered the
best entertainment west of...

West of... Hey, what's
just east of here?

[LAUGHING]

Ha-ha-ha! All right,
to get things started,

I guess you'd all like
to hear an Irish song

sung by a real Irishman.

I'll give you a little
bit of "Old Donegal."

Professor, if you please.

[PLAYS "OLD DONEGAL"]

♪ Shake hands With
your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With
your sister Kate ♪

♪ And here is the girl
You used to swing ♪

♪ Down on The garden gate... ♪

Sarge! Sarge! What?

Shake hands with them later.
We got a show to put on. Sarge!

Ladies and gentlemen,
without no more further ado,

it gives me great pleasure

to present the
surprise of the evening.

And here it is.

Open up them curtains, please.

Sarge. What? Oh.

[GUESTS APPLAUD]

AGARN: There you are.

Look. Turkeys.

Vanderbilt, you knucklehead!

♪ My wild Irish Rose ♪

BRAVES: ♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ The sweetest
flower That grows ♪

BRAVES: ♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ And someday For my sake ♪

♪ She may let me
take The bloom ♪

♪ From my wild Irish Rose ♪

BRAVES: ♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

[GUESTS APPLAUDING, WHISTLING]

Some Irishmen. Hmph.

Well...

Well, thank you, Wild Eagle
and the Hekawi Glee Club.

And all the time, I
thought it was St. Patrick

that chased the
snakes out of Ireland.

And now for a little "Old
Donegal." Professor?

[PIANO INTRO PLAYS]

♪ Shake hands With
your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With
your sister Kate ♪

♪ S... ♪
Sarge, will you pipe down?

Well... I thought
this was my night.

Morgan O'Rourke,
this is your night.

And for the next
part of our program,

we'd like to take you on a
little trip down memory lane.

See if you can remember
this voice from the past.

OLD WOMAN: I
remember you, sergeant.

You were the sweetest,
dearest little boy in Steubenville.

Nobody ever wiped
erasers better than you did.

That's Miss Vorhees. Right.

Your third-grade schoolteacher,
Ella J. Vorhees. [LAUGHS]

Hey! [GUESTS APPLAUDING]

Miss Vorhees. [APPLAUSE QUIETS]

But... you're not
Morton O'Rourke.

No, Morton's my kid
brother. I'm Morgan O'Rourke.

You must remember me.

They said "Morton."

Oh.

You're the little bounder

that put the frog in my teapot.

I wouldn't ever...

[VORHEES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Miss Vorhees, please. Wait.

Put down that...
Miss Vorhees, wait.

You're getting all worked up.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Some tribute this
turned out to be.

That's the second time tonight
I got whomped on the head.

All right, professor.
[PIANO INTRO PLAYS]

♪ Shake hands With
your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With
your sister Kate ♪

Please, sarge,
will you cut it out?

We got a whole flock
of other surprises.

If you ruin this
night, I'll kill you.

Well, I don't know if my
head can take much more.

And now, out of far reaches
of your romantic past,

see what this lovely
voice conjures up.

WOMAN: Hi, Morgan, honey.

Uh, that's Wilma. Wilma
McGee, my old sweetheart.

Here she is, all the
way from Flatbush,

the girl you left
behind... Wilma McGee.

Wilma! Look at her. Ha.
You haven't changed a bit.

The same golden hair
and the same lovely eyes.

The same gorgeous figure.

Oh, it's good of
you to say that.

Me with eight children,

and every blessed one
of 'em prayin' for a father.

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

♪ Shake hands With
your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With
your sister Kate ♪

♪ And here's the girl
You left to swingin' ♪

♪ On the garden gate ♪

♪ Now... ♪
Sarge, will you cut it out?

Just once listen
to me, for once.

Now, here is a
double-barrel surprise.

See if you can recognize
these two voices. [SIGHS]

Your two old buddies
from the Mexican War. First:

MAN: O'Rourke, you were
a sergeant 22 years ago,

and you're still a sergeant.

What's the matter,
ain't ya tryin'?

O'Hanlon. That's Mike O'Hanlon.

Hey! Hey. Mike, me boy.

Morgan! Hey, now!

I've never seen
you lookin' better.

AGARN: Now,
hold it, sarge. What?

Here's the second.

MAN 2: Morgan,
boy, when first we met,

I said you'd come to no
good end, and I was right.

That's Jim Sweeney.

Sweeney, come out
here, you old scalawag.

And still wearing
that tin badge. Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Who's that one?

Uh, this is Mike O'Hanlon,

another pal of mine.

That's Jim Sweeney.

O'Hanlon? O'HANLON: Yeah.

That's the Canary Kid, the
biggest outlaw in the West.

All right. Well, you just
stand back here, Morgan...

Oh, now, wait a
minute! This is my night.

Morgan! Give me your...!

[MEN YELLING, WOMAN SCREAMS]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

All right, now,
this is my night.

And I'm a-gonna sing
"Donegal" if it's the last thing I do.

All right, Sweeney...
he's all yours.

Now, professor, if you please.

[PLAYS INTRO]

♪ Ah, shake hands With
your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With
your sister Kate ♪

♪ And here is the girl
You used to swing ♪

♪ Down on The garden gate ♪

♪ Shake hands With
all the neighbors ♪

♪ And kiss the colleens all ♪

♪ You're as welcome
As the flowers in May ♪

♪ In dear old Donegal ♪

♪ There came Branigan
Franahan, Milligan, Gilligan ♪

♪ Duffy, McCuffy
Malarky, Mahone ♪

♪ Rafferty, Lafferty, Donnelly
Connelly, Dooley, O'Hooley ♪

♪ McDonald, Malone ♪

♪ Madigan, Paddigan
Lanahan, Flanihan ♪

♪ Fagan, O'Hagan
O'Hoolihan, Flynn ♪

♪ Shanahan, Manahan Fogerty... ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Crazy, you in charge
of entertainment.

Happy Bear, you in
charge of refreshments.

Getting, not eating!

You send out smoke signal
invitation to Sitting Bull.

Person-to-person.

Sitting my best friend.

We once lowly braves together,
just like you. Come up hard way.

Hey, chief, what are
you standing around for?

We're back in business.

This very important.

Braves have great idea,
honor chief with testimonial.

We getum idea

when Wild Eagle say,
"Giveum testimonium, or else."

Never mind details.

Braves gonna give chief
gold sundial with initials.

Congratulations.
What's the occasion?

Wild Eagle chief of all
Hekawi 17 years this Tuesday.

Seventeen years?

What kind of
anniversary is that?

Agarn, better you keep
nose out of Indian business.

You celebrate your way,
Hekawi celebrate my way.

Chief, we got this
brand new customer

waiting for them souvenirs.

Okay, boys. On double.

Get lead out of
feathers. This not Army.

Put souvenirs in boxes. [CLAPS]

We're sure makin'
a comeback, eh?

O'Rourke Enterprises is
wheelin' and dealin' again.

All right, snap it up
there. Get a move on.

Ooh, that Wilma McGee.

Ha-ho. What a doll.

What a customer.

My wild Irish rose.

MEN: ♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

[IN UNISON] ♪ The
sweetest flow'r That grows ♪

ALL: ♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ You may search Everywhere ♪

♪ But none Can compare ♪

ALL: ♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ With my wild Irish... ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]