F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 22 - Spy, Counterspy, Counter Counterspy - full transcript
The War Department's testing of a new bulletproof vest at Fort Courage is hampered by two competing spies.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[SNAPS]
Dobbs, blow "Assembly."
[PLAYS "ASSEMBLY" OFF-KEY]
All right, Agarn. Get
them some kind of a line.
All right, F Troop!
[YELLING]
Ten-hut!
At ease, men, at ease.
Gentleman,
we are in receipt of an
important communication
from Washington, from
the secretary of war.
"Communiqué number one.
"Other communiqués to follow.
"Because of your
outstanding record,
"your distinction,
"and the superb troops
under your command,
"F Troop has been selected
for a most secret project
"vital to the interests
of this country.
"I am sure the men of F Troop
will make this a
great achievement."
Signed by the secretary of war.
Well, Jenkins,
what do you think?
It's fine, Mr. Secretary.
Dummy isn't scratched.
Yes, well, the big question
is whether or not this vest
is going to be
bulletproof... in action.
You sure that Fort Courage
will be the best place?
Yes, it's a remote
military installation.
It'll be much easier to
maintain security there.
You understand, of course,
this vest must be tested
with absolute security
and absolute secrecy.
Now, if the Indians
ever got hold of that,
we might loss
control of the West.
Of course, sir, if these
bulletproof vests don't work,
we may lose some
of the men of F Troop.
That is precisely
why I select them.
Then Fort Courage it is, sir.
Yes, I've already alerted
the fort commander.
Oh, one thing more, Jenkins.
To protect our security there,
I've contacted our
intelligence people.
They've assigned a
top agent to this project,
an expert in counterespionage.
[♪♪♪]
Who would that be, sir?
Jenkins, this agent's
work is so secret
that even I am kept
in the dark about it.
Well, you can have
that removed now.
Orderly.
Remove the dummy.
SECRETARY: I cannot
emphasize this enough, Jenkins.
The Indians must never
get word of this experiment.
All they need is a new weapon.
They are almost in revolt now,
itching at the trigger.
Those Indians
are at fever pitch.
[SHOUTING IN NATIVE DIALECT]
The moccasins are great
for dancing, ain't they, chief?
Moccasin too tight.
You got something
in 10 and a half?
Show him the ones
with the tassels. Right.
How come paleface make moccasin?
You try to run us
out of business?
Look, Crazy Cat, we can make
them cheaper, lots cheaper.
We got modern machinery.
You got machinery?
How come it say
"made in Hong Kong"?
Huh? CRAZY CAT:
Got them in white?
Wait, wait.
If anybody wear
white, me wear white.
Me still chief.
White would look great
with that outfit you're wearing.
Wild Eagle make up mind.
Me take two white,
two black. Ah.
Make take same thing.
Same thing. All right,
two white, two black.
Here we go. There we are.
And here we are.
Come on, let's get back to camp
before the captain misses us.
So long, chief.
So long, Crazy Cat. Ho.
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLING]
[WILD EAGLE SPEAKING
IN NATIVE DIALECT]
[SINGING IN NATIVE DIALECT]
Hekawi have wise
old Indian saying:
[SPEAKING IN NATIVE DIALECT]
Me never hear that one.
It mean, Chinese
moccasin feel good
right after you put it on,
but one hour later,
feet hurt again.
Now, gentlemen, according
to communiqué number two,
which I've just received
from Washington,
a box will arrive for
us on the stagecoach.
O'ROURKE: Yes, sir. AGARN:
You know what's inside?
Yes, it...
It's a secret weapon.
I want you to place it
under lock and key
immediately. Right, sir.
Ho.
Ho.
Captain Parmenter? Here.
That there crate's for you.
Oh, good, good.
Uh, you may remove the
crate, sergeant, corporal.
Oh, yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
I'm Miss Lorelei Duval. Oh.
Uh, I'm Captain Parmenter.
Welcome to Fort Courage.
Thank you, captain.
I'm the new school marm.
Oh. Uh... Oh, this is
Sergeant O'Rourke.
How do you do,
ma'am? How do you do?
Well, you men know what to do.
Good afternoon, Miss Duval.
Carry on, sergeant. Corporal.
Yes, sir.
No schoolteacher sure
never looked like you
when I went to school.
They was so old,
they didn't teach history,
they remembered it.
[O'ROURKE CHUCKLING]
Introduce me.
Uh, oh, Miss Duval, this...
He's one of the fellows
that works for me.
Corporal Agarn, ma'am.
How do you do?
My, you soldiers certainly
do work hard, don't you?
We're in a special detail.
This is a new secret
weapon. We gotta locked it up.
[GRUNTS]
Well, it's the truth ain't it?
Well, the military life
always fascinates me.
I was wondering if, perhaps,
you will allow me to conduct
some classes for the soldiers
in the evening, sergeant.
Well, ma'am, uh, I'm afraid,
Captain Parmenter
would have to pass on that.
LORELEI: Oh, uh, I'm sure a gentleman
as charming as Captain Parmenter
wouldn't refuse me.
In fact, I think I'll go
and ask him right now.
Good day, gentleman.
Good day, ma'am.
[CHUCKLES]
Now, what does
she want with Wilton?
Yeah, well, she's the new
school marm, Wrangler,
she wants to give some
lessons to the troop.
Oh, well, let her teach
the troop all she wants.
But if Wilton is about
to learn anything,
he can just make up his
mind to learn from me.
[♪♪♪]
"Dear, inspector general,
"we have received
your instructions.
Rest assured the secret is..."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Ow.
Just a minute.
Captain Parmenter, I believe?
Yes, at your service, ma'am.
Are we alone?
Why, uh... Yes, ma'am.
Ha-ha!
B Wise is the name.
Espionage is my game.
I fooled you with one
of my many disguises.
That's why they call me
the man of a thousand faces.
I find that a little
hard to believe.
Would you believe 850?
May I ask what are you doing
here in Fort Courage, Mr. Wise.
I am from Washington.
Counterintelligence.
I'm assigned to protect
the secret weapon.
My badge, sir.
Very clever.
You like clever?
I'll show you clever.
[GUNSHOT]
Sorry about that.
Now, when communiqué
number three arrives,
we'll have our instructions.
Uh, where will you be?
Where will I be?
I'm here, I'm there.
I'm everywhere.
So beware. B Wise.
[WHISPERING] We're
very lucky, gentlemen.
Why is that, captain?
Washington has
sent its top man here.
They did?
Come on.
He's a... Oh!
He's a counterespionage
agent named B Wise.
He's on the look out for
anyone trying to find out
about that secret weapon.
Now, we have to do
everything we can to help him.
What does he look like?
He's fantastic.
He's a man of a thousand faces.
He... He showed
me his belt buckle,
and... And then he took off
his shoe, and he shot the lamp.
[SIGHS]
He showed you his belt buckle,
then took off his shoe
and shot the lamp?
Yes. Are you all right, captain?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
He said we have
to be on the alert.
Some rascals might try to
find out about this weapon
and tell the Indians.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, yeah, I'll get it.
Uh... Well, Miss
Lorelei, come in.
[♪♪♪]
Well, how do you
do, Miss Lorelei?
Forgive me,
captain, for intruding,
but I was wondering if
you reached any decision
regarding my
teaching at the fort.
Oh, now, how could I
forgotten a thing like that?
Now, a-as soon as I look up
schoolteachers in my manual,
I'll let you know right away.
Well, I do hope it
will be permitted.
In any case, as local teacher
and you as commanding officer,
I do think we should
become better acquainted.
Uh, I'll try, but you
must remember
that my first
obligation is to my men.
And their horses.
I'll be waiting to
hear from you.
I'll escort you
home, Miss Lorelei.
You?
I will escort her home.
Pulling rank, huh, sarge?
Buenos dias, señor.
Listen, do you have a few
pesos for a poor old bullfighter,
who has been on the
horns of a bull too long?
Oh, why, certainly, my good man.
[LAUGHS]
Fooled you again, didn't I?
Right? Right.
Because I'm a
master of deception.
Why, I get up in the
morning sometimes
and shave the wrong man.
Did...? Did you find
out anything, Mr. Wise?
Yes, I did.
I don't mind telling
you confidently
that my number one
suspect is Miss Lorelei Duval.
The schoolteacher?
Very interesting.
Well, what made you suspect her?
I saw a pair of ruby-red
lips, soft white shoulders,
long shapely legs, wearing
a black-lace negligee.
Now, does that
sound like your typical,
everyday schoolteacher?
You can bet your
sweet tooth it doesn't.
Hm.
Red lips, white
shoulders, shapely legs,
it does sound dangerous.
Sounds nice... Uh, but
dangerous, dangerous.
Uh, shall we arrest her?
No, not yet.
We need concrete evidence
that she's really a spy.
Now, I'll be watching
her every moment.
The first move she
makes, she'll get this.
Your tie? Mm-hm.
Not a regular tie.
You see, I use it
when my shoe jams.
All you do is... turn it open...
then take down the
safety... and you fire.
Sorry about that.
It's all right.
Hm, I'll show her not
to get smart with B Wise.
Now, duty calls.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Just a trim, Dobbs.
Nothing off the top.
All right, corporal.
♪ Lorelei, Lorelei ♪
♪ Without you I
would die Lorelei ♪
Hey, Agarn, pal.
Listen, would you do me a favor?
Sure, sarge.
Well, the captain asked me
to stand guard on that
secret weapon tonight.
I was wondering if
you'd take my place.
Oh, gee, sarge, I can't tonight.
I'm going out with the fellas.
You... The fellas?
[SNIFFS]
With all that bay rum?
You heard the speech
the captain made
about how we don't look right.
In fact, Dobbs, I think you
ought to give me a shave.
Yeah.
Well, in that case,
heh, you'll need this.
[SCREAMS]
To you, sweet lady
Of infinite grace
Perfect of figure
Fairest of face
Is that an original
poem, corporal?
Not exactly.
I seen it once in a
mail-order catalog.
It was a... An ad for some
fancy-smelling bath soap.
Well, it's the
thought that counts.
Right.
Here's to your new venture.
May it be a great success.
My venture?
Oh, you mean, the
new secret weapon?
I can't tell you about that.
Oh, of course not.
I do hope the tests go well.
Will they be soon?
Tomorrow. But I can't
tell you about that neither.
You must have nerves of steel.
To think the
testing is tomorrow,
and you're so relaxed
at a moment like this.
I ain't so relaxed. I
got goose bumps.
Wanna see 'em?
Lookie here.
[♪♪♪]
Communiqué number three, sir.
Oh, thank you, sergeant.
Mm. Mm-hm.
Ah. So that's it.
Is everything secure, sergeant?
Yes, sir, I just turned
the guard over to Dobbs.
Good, good. We can't
take too many precautions.
Not when we're dealing
with secret weapons, we can't.
Now, as soon as Dobbs
stands his watch we...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Uh, can I help you, ma'am?
[SPEAKS INDIAN DIALECT]
What's that?
Ha-ha! I fooled you again.
Oh, sergeant this is B
Wise of counter intelligence.
B, this is Sergeant O'Rourke.
This no time for introduction.
Why, at this very moment,
down at the saloon,
the school teacher is
luring your Corporal Agarn
down the path of treason.
She's what? That
little double cross...
Caution. Caution.
We can only observe them.
We can't apprehend her yet.
We'll have to let
things cook for a while,
and then we'll see what's
at the bottom of the pot.
Good thinking.
Sergeant, you and I
will go and see
what we can find out.
While I remain inconspicuously
in the background.
[♪♪♪]
Shall we go, sergeant,
and see for ourselves?
There's nothing I
would like better.
I do hope you won't
be hurt tomorrow
when you test
whatever's in that big box.
What's in it? Do you know?
Only Captain Parmenter knows.
But let's not talk about that.
Let's talk about
more important things
like... you and... me.
Kiss me, Lorelei.
Well, it's Lorelei.
So nice to see you, captain.
Good evening, Miss Lorelei.
LORELEI: Join me in
a bottle of champagne?
Uh, no, no, thank you.
I never touch it.
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.
Don't mind if I do.
[PIANO PLAYING LIVELY MELODY]
Champagne and brandy, please.
It must be fascinating
to be the head
of a great military
establishment like this.
What a feeling of power,
to have your own army.
Oh, well, it isn't mine, really.
It's sort of belongs to
the United States cavalry.
I just sort of think of myself
as, oh, helping them out.
[CLINK]
[GASPING] Oh, isn't
that awfully strong?
Oh, well, then let me
dilute it with a little brandy.
That'll make it a French 75.
French 75?
That's a name
of a special drink.
Something like, um...
cherry phosphate.
Oh. I like those.
[♪♪♪]
Not as sweet as my
usual cherry phosphate,
but it does have
a certain charm.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, what a shame.
Oh, please forgive me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, no.
That's all right. No harm done.
LORELEI: But the champagne
and brandy often leaves spots.
I have something that'll
take it off immediately.
I'll go get it. No, really.
I don't think
anything's damaged.
Oh, but I insist.
Think of all the years I wasted
drinking cherry phosphate.
Captain, did you
find out anything?
Well, she's gone.
But don't worry. Never fear.
Just be glad B Wise is here.
Did she find out anything?
Oh, no, no. I have the
orders right here in...
Oh, my goodness.
O'ROURKE: She stole the orders?
Communiqué number three?
She must have done that
when she dried you off..
Well, it's not
your fault, captain.
You didn't do anything.
You didn't say anything.
You we were just sitting
there, drinking with the spy,
then she stole your papers.
In the end, nothing's the matter
except the firing
squad. That's all.
Don't be concerned, gentleman.
This is exactly what we want.
Now she'll show up at the test,
reveal her hand,
and we'll seize her.
What time is the test?
Uh, 11 tomorrow morning.
Good. I'll be there, and
she'll never get away alive
because I'll get her with
my cannonball suspender.
Watch this, Parmenter.
B WISE: Ah-ha!
Now I'll go for the spare.
Ha-ha! Chalk up
another one for B Wise.
At intelligence school, I
majored in suspender ball.
Gentleman, we are about to begin
a most secret experiment.
It's in this crate.
Now, I know that the
sergeant has warned you
about never discussing it.
Now, I will need one volunteer.
One of you to test the weapon.
That lucky volunteer will get a
14-day furlough to Dodge City.
[ALL CLAMORING]
That's for me, captain.
I'll do it, sir. I'll do it.
Now, wait a minute, Duffy.
See them two stripes?
I'm a corporal. I'll do it.
I volunteered first, sir.
How dare you
back sass me, Duffy!
I'm gonna test it.
You are, huh? Yeah.
Count these.
I'm the sergeant,
and I'm gonna test it.
I'm proud of you, men.
Now, the weapon
that's in this crate
that we're about to try out
has never really been tried
before with a human being.
Please, captain, let us try.
I wanna try.
Hold it, you guys,
for the last time.
Now, it's final. I
am gonna do it.
It's a bulletproof vest.
That's it. I'm
gonna take this gun
and fire these six
bullets into that vest.
Now, who is gonna put it on?
I never wear vests.
Duffy, you may open the crate.
Yes, sir.
Now, our orders read that
one member of the troop
should put on the
vest, walk 10 feet away,
turn and face the squad,
which will then
open fire upon him.
Now, where are you going?
Back to our quarters
to get my riffle.
Stand where you are.
Dobbs, where would you be going?
Uh, to get my bugle.
I might have to blow "Taps."
Stay right there.
Vanderbilt, what are you up to?
If I'm gonna shoot at
anybody from 10 feet,
I better go get
my other glasses.
Don't any of you move.
Stay right where you are.
Attention, gentlemen. Line up.
Line up.
All right. Do what he says.
PARMENTER: The honor
of F Troop is at stake here.
Now, Washington
expects one of our men
to test out this weapon,
and I want that man to
take three steps forward.
My congratulations, corporal.
O'ROURKE: Oh, now, this
is no time for false modesty.
I am proud to call you my buddy.
Have you seen our
suspect, Miss Lorelei?
No, no sign of her yet.
Well, she may be
armed and dangerous.
Captain Parmenter, I want you
to guard the door on that side.
Sergeant O'Rourke, I want you
to guard the door on that side.
Agarn you stand in the middle.
As for myself, I'll be in a
dark corner somewhere,
out of harm's way. After
all, this was my plan.
We shall now proceed.
Agarn, put on the
bullet proof vest.
AGARN: It'll never work.
Why not? It's not my size.
Oh, relax, will ya?
Nothing's gonna happen.
Now, is there
anything I get you?
Maybe a blindfold, a cigarette?
Attention!
Lemme see here.
The vest... properly on.
Now, are you ready, corporal?
AGARN: Ready?
Aah!
They got me.
What a way to go.
The victim of a leaky vest.
Oh, stand up, will you?
You're all right.
Now we're gonna shoot.
Now you're gonna shoot?
I hope I'm not interrupting,
but I thought you
might need this.
I found this envelope,
and I think it's yours.
Ah-ha!
You didn't find that envelope
of secret papers, you stole it.
Lorelei Duval, you're
under arrest for espionage.
You didn't fool me with that
impersonation of
a school teacher.
Give me that. Captain,
arrest this woman.
LORELEI: Arrest this man.
Arrest this woman.
Arrest this man.
This man. Arrest this woman.
Wait! Wait a minute!
What is this?
Captain, I'm from counter
intelligence in Washington.
Here's my badge.
[♪♪♪]
You wanna see legs?
I'll show you legs.
I don't know whose
legs to believe.
Well, I'm a little
partial to hers, captain.
When Washington
sent you this weapon,
they told me to come out
here and look for traitors.
That's why I've asked
so many questions.
He's the traitor.
He wants to sell information
about the weapon to the Indians.
Fiddle-faddle!
I know. I know just what to do.
We'll put you both
in the guardhouse,
and then we'll wire Washington
to identify the real counterspy.
[♪♪♪]
Now, don't anyone
go for your guns.
Is he kidding?
Don't move, anybody.
That shoe is loaded.
You're holding
up the wrong shoe.
It's your left shoe
that has the gun in it.
That was wonderful, captain.
What keen observation to
know he had the wrong shoe.
Well, it was nothing, really.
I knew all along this
wasn't his gun shoe.
Well, I hope you're
satisfied, captain.
You've just captured
an honest, hard-working,
conscientious traitor.
Ruin my whole day.
[♪♪♪]
All right, Agarn, let's
get him out of here.
Gentleman, I am happy to report
that we've heard
from Washington.
B Wise was indeed a traitor
and has been turned
over to the proper authority.
We shall now
proceed with the testing
of the bulletproof
vest. All set, corporal?
Humina, humina,
humina... All right. Ready!
Aim... fire.
Am I all right?
I told you, pal, there's
nothing for you to worry about.
See? Now, I'll just send
this vest off to Washington.
And we... Wait a second.
There aren't any
bullet marks on this.
You mean to tell me that
nobody hit him from 10 feet?
AGARN: Where'd
all the bullets go?
Ooh. Ooh.
[WOOD CREAKING]
Captain, there.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[SNAPS]
Dobbs, blow "Assembly."
[PLAYS "ASSEMBLY" OFF-KEY]
All right, Agarn. Get
them some kind of a line.
All right, F Troop!
[YELLING]
Ten-hut!
At ease, men, at ease.
Gentleman,
we are in receipt of an
important communication
from Washington, from
the secretary of war.
"Communiqué number one.
"Other communiqués to follow.
"Because of your
outstanding record,
"your distinction,
"and the superb troops
under your command,
"F Troop has been selected
for a most secret project
"vital to the interests
of this country.
"I am sure the men of F Troop
will make this a
great achievement."
Signed by the secretary of war.
Well, Jenkins,
what do you think?
It's fine, Mr. Secretary.
Dummy isn't scratched.
Yes, well, the big question
is whether or not this vest
is going to be
bulletproof... in action.
You sure that Fort Courage
will be the best place?
Yes, it's a remote
military installation.
It'll be much easier to
maintain security there.
You understand, of course,
this vest must be tested
with absolute security
and absolute secrecy.
Now, if the Indians
ever got hold of that,
we might loss
control of the West.
Of course, sir, if these
bulletproof vests don't work,
we may lose some
of the men of F Troop.
That is precisely
why I select them.
Then Fort Courage it is, sir.
Yes, I've already alerted
the fort commander.
Oh, one thing more, Jenkins.
To protect our security there,
I've contacted our
intelligence people.
They've assigned a
top agent to this project,
an expert in counterespionage.
[♪♪♪]
Who would that be, sir?
Jenkins, this agent's
work is so secret
that even I am kept
in the dark about it.
Well, you can have
that removed now.
Orderly.
Remove the dummy.
SECRETARY: I cannot
emphasize this enough, Jenkins.
The Indians must never
get word of this experiment.
All they need is a new weapon.
They are almost in revolt now,
itching at the trigger.
Those Indians
are at fever pitch.
[SHOUTING IN NATIVE DIALECT]
The moccasins are great
for dancing, ain't they, chief?
Moccasin too tight.
You got something
in 10 and a half?
Show him the ones
with the tassels. Right.
How come paleface make moccasin?
You try to run us
out of business?
Look, Crazy Cat, we can make
them cheaper, lots cheaper.
We got modern machinery.
You got machinery?
How come it say
"made in Hong Kong"?
Huh? CRAZY CAT:
Got them in white?
Wait, wait.
If anybody wear
white, me wear white.
Me still chief.
White would look great
with that outfit you're wearing.
Wild Eagle make up mind.
Me take two white,
two black. Ah.
Make take same thing.
Same thing. All right,
two white, two black.
Here we go. There we are.
And here we are.
Come on, let's get back to camp
before the captain misses us.
So long, chief.
So long, Crazy Cat. Ho.
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLING]
[WILD EAGLE SPEAKING
IN NATIVE DIALECT]
[SINGING IN NATIVE DIALECT]
Hekawi have wise
old Indian saying:
[SPEAKING IN NATIVE DIALECT]
Me never hear that one.
It mean, Chinese
moccasin feel good
right after you put it on,
but one hour later,
feet hurt again.
Now, gentlemen, according
to communiqué number two,
which I've just received
from Washington,
a box will arrive for
us on the stagecoach.
O'ROURKE: Yes, sir. AGARN:
You know what's inside?
Yes, it...
It's a secret weapon.
I want you to place it
under lock and key
immediately. Right, sir.
Ho.
Ho.
Captain Parmenter? Here.
That there crate's for you.
Oh, good, good.
Uh, you may remove the
crate, sergeant, corporal.
Oh, yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
I'm Miss Lorelei Duval. Oh.
Uh, I'm Captain Parmenter.
Welcome to Fort Courage.
Thank you, captain.
I'm the new school marm.
Oh. Uh... Oh, this is
Sergeant O'Rourke.
How do you do,
ma'am? How do you do?
Well, you men know what to do.
Good afternoon, Miss Duval.
Carry on, sergeant. Corporal.
Yes, sir.
No schoolteacher sure
never looked like you
when I went to school.
They was so old,
they didn't teach history,
they remembered it.
[O'ROURKE CHUCKLING]
Introduce me.
Uh, oh, Miss Duval, this...
He's one of the fellows
that works for me.
Corporal Agarn, ma'am.
How do you do?
My, you soldiers certainly
do work hard, don't you?
We're in a special detail.
This is a new secret
weapon. We gotta locked it up.
[GRUNTS]
Well, it's the truth ain't it?
Well, the military life
always fascinates me.
I was wondering if, perhaps,
you will allow me to conduct
some classes for the soldiers
in the evening, sergeant.
Well, ma'am, uh, I'm afraid,
Captain Parmenter
would have to pass on that.
LORELEI: Oh, uh, I'm sure a gentleman
as charming as Captain Parmenter
wouldn't refuse me.
In fact, I think I'll go
and ask him right now.
Good day, gentleman.
Good day, ma'am.
[CHUCKLES]
Now, what does
she want with Wilton?
Yeah, well, she's the new
school marm, Wrangler,
she wants to give some
lessons to the troop.
Oh, well, let her teach
the troop all she wants.
But if Wilton is about
to learn anything,
he can just make up his
mind to learn from me.
[♪♪♪]
"Dear, inspector general,
"we have received
your instructions.
Rest assured the secret is..."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Ow.
Just a minute.
Captain Parmenter, I believe?
Yes, at your service, ma'am.
Are we alone?
Why, uh... Yes, ma'am.
Ha-ha!
B Wise is the name.
Espionage is my game.
I fooled you with one
of my many disguises.
That's why they call me
the man of a thousand faces.
I find that a little
hard to believe.
Would you believe 850?
May I ask what are you doing
here in Fort Courage, Mr. Wise.
I am from Washington.
Counterintelligence.
I'm assigned to protect
the secret weapon.
My badge, sir.
Very clever.
You like clever?
I'll show you clever.
[GUNSHOT]
Sorry about that.
Now, when communiqué
number three arrives,
we'll have our instructions.
Uh, where will you be?
Where will I be?
I'm here, I'm there.
I'm everywhere.
So beware. B Wise.
[WHISPERING] We're
very lucky, gentlemen.
Why is that, captain?
Washington has
sent its top man here.
They did?
Come on.
He's a... Oh!
He's a counterespionage
agent named B Wise.
He's on the look out for
anyone trying to find out
about that secret weapon.
Now, we have to do
everything we can to help him.
What does he look like?
He's fantastic.
He's a man of a thousand faces.
He... He showed
me his belt buckle,
and... And then he took off
his shoe, and he shot the lamp.
[SIGHS]
He showed you his belt buckle,
then took off his shoe
and shot the lamp?
Yes. Are you all right, captain?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
He said we have
to be on the alert.
Some rascals might try to
find out about this weapon
and tell the Indians.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, yeah, I'll get it.
Uh... Well, Miss
Lorelei, come in.
[♪♪♪]
Well, how do you
do, Miss Lorelei?
Forgive me,
captain, for intruding,
but I was wondering if
you reached any decision
regarding my
teaching at the fort.
Oh, now, how could I
forgotten a thing like that?
Now, a-as soon as I look up
schoolteachers in my manual,
I'll let you know right away.
Well, I do hope it
will be permitted.
In any case, as local teacher
and you as commanding officer,
I do think we should
become better acquainted.
Uh, I'll try, but you
must remember
that my first
obligation is to my men.
And their horses.
I'll be waiting to
hear from you.
I'll escort you
home, Miss Lorelei.
You?
I will escort her home.
Pulling rank, huh, sarge?
Buenos dias, señor.
Listen, do you have a few
pesos for a poor old bullfighter,
who has been on the
horns of a bull too long?
Oh, why, certainly, my good man.
[LAUGHS]
Fooled you again, didn't I?
Right? Right.
Because I'm a
master of deception.
Why, I get up in the
morning sometimes
and shave the wrong man.
Did...? Did you find
out anything, Mr. Wise?
Yes, I did.
I don't mind telling
you confidently
that my number one
suspect is Miss Lorelei Duval.
The schoolteacher?
Very interesting.
Well, what made you suspect her?
I saw a pair of ruby-red
lips, soft white shoulders,
long shapely legs, wearing
a black-lace negligee.
Now, does that
sound like your typical,
everyday schoolteacher?
You can bet your
sweet tooth it doesn't.
Hm.
Red lips, white
shoulders, shapely legs,
it does sound dangerous.
Sounds nice... Uh, but
dangerous, dangerous.
Uh, shall we arrest her?
No, not yet.
We need concrete evidence
that she's really a spy.
Now, I'll be watching
her every moment.
The first move she
makes, she'll get this.
Your tie? Mm-hm.
Not a regular tie.
You see, I use it
when my shoe jams.
All you do is... turn it open...
then take down the
safety... and you fire.
Sorry about that.
It's all right.
Hm, I'll show her not
to get smart with B Wise.
Now, duty calls.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Just a trim, Dobbs.
Nothing off the top.
All right, corporal.
♪ Lorelei, Lorelei ♪
♪ Without you I
would die Lorelei ♪
Hey, Agarn, pal.
Listen, would you do me a favor?
Sure, sarge.
Well, the captain asked me
to stand guard on that
secret weapon tonight.
I was wondering if
you'd take my place.
Oh, gee, sarge, I can't tonight.
I'm going out with the fellas.
You... The fellas?
[SNIFFS]
With all that bay rum?
You heard the speech
the captain made
about how we don't look right.
In fact, Dobbs, I think you
ought to give me a shave.
Yeah.
Well, in that case,
heh, you'll need this.
[SCREAMS]
To you, sweet lady
Of infinite grace
Perfect of figure
Fairest of face
Is that an original
poem, corporal?
Not exactly.
I seen it once in a
mail-order catalog.
It was a... An ad for some
fancy-smelling bath soap.
Well, it's the
thought that counts.
Right.
Here's to your new venture.
May it be a great success.
My venture?
Oh, you mean, the
new secret weapon?
I can't tell you about that.
Oh, of course not.
I do hope the tests go well.
Will they be soon?
Tomorrow. But I can't
tell you about that neither.
You must have nerves of steel.
To think the
testing is tomorrow,
and you're so relaxed
at a moment like this.
I ain't so relaxed. I
got goose bumps.
Wanna see 'em?
Lookie here.
[♪♪♪]
Communiqué number three, sir.
Oh, thank you, sergeant.
Mm. Mm-hm.
Ah. So that's it.
Is everything secure, sergeant?
Yes, sir, I just turned
the guard over to Dobbs.
Good, good. We can't
take too many precautions.
Not when we're dealing
with secret weapons, we can't.
Now, as soon as Dobbs
stands his watch we...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Uh, can I help you, ma'am?
[SPEAKS INDIAN DIALECT]
What's that?
Ha-ha! I fooled you again.
Oh, sergeant this is B
Wise of counter intelligence.
B, this is Sergeant O'Rourke.
This no time for introduction.
Why, at this very moment,
down at the saloon,
the school teacher is
luring your Corporal Agarn
down the path of treason.
She's what? That
little double cross...
Caution. Caution.
We can only observe them.
We can't apprehend her yet.
We'll have to let
things cook for a while,
and then we'll see what's
at the bottom of the pot.
Good thinking.
Sergeant, you and I
will go and see
what we can find out.
While I remain inconspicuously
in the background.
[♪♪♪]
Shall we go, sergeant,
and see for ourselves?
There's nothing I
would like better.
I do hope you won't
be hurt tomorrow
when you test
whatever's in that big box.
What's in it? Do you know?
Only Captain Parmenter knows.
But let's not talk about that.
Let's talk about
more important things
like... you and... me.
Kiss me, Lorelei.
Well, it's Lorelei.
So nice to see you, captain.
Good evening, Miss Lorelei.
LORELEI: Join me in
a bottle of champagne?
Uh, no, no, thank you.
I never touch it.
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.
Don't mind if I do.
[PIANO PLAYING LIVELY MELODY]
Champagne and brandy, please.
It must be fascinating
to be the head
of a great military
establishment like this.
What a feeling of power,
to have your own army.
Oh, well, it isn't mine, really.
It's sort of belongs to
the United States cavalry.
I just sort of think of myself
as, oh, helping them out.
[CLINK]
[GASPING] Oh, isn't
that awfully strong?
Oh, well, then let me
dilute it with a little brandy.
That'll make it a French 75.
French 75?
That's a name
of a special drink.
Something like, um...
cherry phosphate.
Oh. I like those.
[♪♪♪]
Not as sweet as my
usual cherry phosphate,
but it does have
a certain charm.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, what a shame.
Oh, please forgive me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, no.
That's all right. No harm done.
LORELEI: But the champagne
and brandy often leaves spots.
I have something that'll
take it off immediately.
I'll go get it. No, really.
I don't think
anything's damaged.
Oh, but I insist.
Think of all the years I wasted
drinking cherry phosphate.
Captain, did you
find out anything?
Well, she's gone.
But don't worry. Never fear.
Just be glad B Wise is here.
Did she find out anything?
Oh, no, no. I have the
orders right here in...
Oh, my goodness.
O'ROURKE: She stole the orders?
Communiqué number three?
She must have done that
when she dried you off..
Well, it's not
your fault, captain.
You didn't do anything.
You didn't say anything.
You we were just sitting
there, drinking with the spy,
then she stole your papers.
In the end, nothing's the matter
except the firing
squad. That's all.
Don't be concerned, gentleman.
This is exactly what we want.
Now she'll show up at the test,
reveal her hand,
and we'll seize her.
What time is the test?
Uh, 11 tomorrow morning.
Good. I'll be there, and
she'll never get away alive
because I'll get her with
my cannonball suspender.
Watch this, Parmenter.
B WISE: Ah-ha!
Now I'll go for the spare.
Ha-ha! Chalk up
another one for B Wise.
At intelligence school, I
majored in suspender ball.
Gentleman, we are about to begin
a most secret experiment.
It's in this crate.
Now, I know that the
sergeant has warned you
about never discussing it.
Now, I will need one volunteer.
One of you to test the weapon.
That lucky volunteer will get a
14-day furlough to Dodge City.
[ALL CLAMORING]
That's for me, captain.
I'll do it, sir. I'll do it.
Now, wait a minute, Duffy.
See them two stripes?
I'm a corporal. I'll do it.
I volunteered first, sir.
How dare you
back sass me, Duffy!
I'm gonna test it.
You are, huh? Yeah.
Count these.
I'm the sergeant,
and I'm gonna test it.
I'm proud of you, men.
Now, the weapon
that's in this crate
that we're about to try out
has never really been tried
before with a human being.
Please, captain, let us try.
I wanna try.
Hold it, you guys,
for the last time.
Now, it's final. I
am gonna do it.
It's a bulletproof vest.
That's it. I'm
gonna take this gun
and fire these six
bullets into that vest.
Now, who is gonna put it on?
I never wear vests.
Duffy, you may open the crate.
Yes, sir.
Now, our orders read that
one member of the troop
should put on the
vest, walk 10 feet away,
turn and face the squad,
which will then
open fire upon him.
Now, where are you going?
Back to our quarters
to get my riffle.
Stand where you are.
Dobbs, where would you be going?
Uh, to get my bugle.
I might have to blow "Taps."
Stay right there.
Vanderbilt, what are you up to?
If I'm gonna shoot at
anybody from 10 feet,
I better go get
my other glasses.
Don't any of you move.
Stay right where you are.
Attention, gentlemen. Line up.
Line up.
All right. Do what he says.
PARMENTER: The honor
of F Troop is at stake here.
Now, Washington
expects one of our men
to test out this weapon,
and I want that man to
take three steps forward.
My congratulations, corporal.
O'ROURKE: Oh, now, this
is no time for false modesty.
I am proud to call you my buddy.
Have you seen our
suspect, Miss Lorelei?
No, no sign of her yet.
Well, she may be
armed and dangerous.
Captain Parmenter, I want you
to guard the door on that side.
Sergeant O'Rourke, I want you
to guard the door on that side.
Agarn you stand in the middle.
As for myself, I'll be in a
dark corner somewhere,
out of harm's way. After
all, this was my plan.
We shall now proceed.
Agarn, put on the
bullet proof vest.
AGARN: It'll never work.
Why not? It's not my size.
Oh, relax, will ya?
Nothing's gonna happen.
Now, is there
anything I get you?
Maybe a blindfold, a cigarette?
Attention!
Lemme see here.
The vest... properly on.
Now, are you ready, corporal?
AGARN: Ready?
Aah!
They got me.
What a way to go.
The victim of a leaky vest.
Oh, stand up, will you?
You're all right.
Now we're gonna shoot.
Now you're gonna shoot?
I hope I'm not interrupting,
but I thought you
might need this.
I found this envelope,
and I think it's yours.
Ah-ha!
You didn't find that envelope
of secret papers, you stole it.
Lorelei Duval, you're
under arrest for espionage.
You didn't fool me with that
impersonation of
a school teacher.
Give me that. Captain,
arrest this woman.
LORELEI: Arrest this man.
Arrest this woman.
Arrest this man.
This man. Arrest this woman.
Wait! Wait a minute!
What is this?
Captain, I'm from counter
intelligence in Washington.
Here's my badge.
[♪♪♪]
You wanna see legs?
I'll show you legs.
I don't know whose
legs to believe.
Well, I'm a little
partial to hers, captain.
When Washington
sent you this weapon,
they told me to come out
here and look for traitors.
That's why I've asked
so many questions.
He's the traitor.
He wants to sell information
about the weapon to the Indians.
Fiddle-faddle!
I know. I know just what to do.
We'll put you both
in the guardhouse,
and then we'll wire Washington
to identify the real counterspy.
[♪♪♪]
Now, don't anyone
go for your guns.
Is he kidding?
Don't move, anybody.
That shoe is loaded.
You're holding
up the wrong shoe.
It's your left shoe
that has the gun in it.
That was wonderful, captain.
What keen observation to
know he had the wrong shoe.
Well, it was nothing, really.
I knew all along this
wasn't his gun shoe.
Well, I hope you're
satisfied, captain.
You've just captured
an honest, hard-working,
conscientious traitor.
Ruin my whole day.
[♪♪♪]
All right, Agarn, let's
get him out of here.
Gentleman, I am happy to report
that we've heard
from Washington.
B Wise was indeed a traitor
and has been turned
over to the proper authority.
We shall now
proceed with the testing
of the bulletproof
vest. All set, corporal?
Humina, humina,
humina... All right. Ready!
Aim... fire.
Am I all right?
I told you, pal, there's
nothing for you to worry about.
See? Now, I'll just send
this vest off to Washington.
And we... Wait a second.
There aren't any
bullet marks on this.
You mean to tell me that
nobody hit him from 10 feet?
AGARN: Where'd
all the bullets go?
Ooh. Ooh.
[WOOD CREAKING]
Captain, there.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]