F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 21 - The New I.G. - full transcript
An Army major comes to Fort Courage who wants to wipe out the Hekawis.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed ♪
♪ Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[WHINNIES]
Well, I think I licked that
cowlick for you, captain.
Hm? Oh, good.
Good for you, Dobbs.
A little brushin' ought to
keep her down for sure.
Ah.
[GIGGLES]
Say, I like that, Dobbs.
So does my little gray mare.
Every time I brush
her up like this,
her tail flies up.
Well, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to find another way
to show my appreciation.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You sure got a
keen wit, captain.
Thank you.
Here we go.
D-D-Dobbs... haven't
you forgotten something?
Uh, what, sir?
Shaving soap.
That's why you're
captain, and I'm a private.
Hi, Wilton.
Mm... mm, later, Jane.
Hi, Jane.
I'm giving the
captain my first shave.
I can see that.
Sorry about that, sir.
Thank you, Dobbs.
Wilton, do you know
what this Saturday is?
This is no time to
discuss it, Janey.
It's the 23rd of the month.
Doesn't that ring a bell?
Jane, at a time like this,
the 23rd does not ring any...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute...
Wait... Wait... Wait a minute.
Wait. That does ring a bell.
I even wrote it down, here.
I knew you wouldn't
forget, Wilton.
Of course not.
That's the day our treaty
with the Hekawis ends.
It's also our anniversary.
It'll be six months
this Saturday
that we first set
eyes on each other.
Doesn't that mean
anything to you?
Oh... Oh, why of course, Jane.
[CHUCKLES]
Happy anniversary.
Oh. Captain...
Do you think you'll
have any trouble
gettin' the new treaty
with the Hekawis?
Oh, no... No, I don't think so.
I better go find Sergeant
O'Rourke though,
and... And get him to arrange a...
A powwow with Chief Wild Eagle.
We'll just ride up to their camp
and smoke the peace pipe.
Why, I'll bet they'll sign
before the second pipefull.
[♪♪♪]
The Hekawis will
never sign a new treaty.
You may be right, major.
Sir, every report we've
had from Washington
has followed the same pattern.
The Apaches refuse
to sign a new treaty,
the Comanches refuse to
sign, and so have the Sioux.
Sounds like Geronimo has
finally talked to all the tribes
into launching
full-scale attacks.
By midnight on Saturday,
when the Hekawi treaty runs out,
we can expect a full-scale
assault on Fort Courage.
Oh, yes, that's F Troop,
commanded by a
Captain Parmenter.
I just had some urgent
correspondence with him.
What did he say, sir?
He wanted a barbers' manual.
When the Hekawis
go on the warpath,
they'll teach him
how to give haircuts.
Major, as the new inspector
general of this territory,
I'm assigning you to
the Fort Courage area.
I was hoping you
were gonna do that, sir.
It'll be your duty
to see that F Troop
is a crack fighting unit.
It shouldn't be too difficult.
We have this new
rifle I designed.
I think it's going to be
the gun that wins the West.
The cavalry will long remember
the name of Major
Chester Winster.
Thank you, sir.
What are you going
to call your gun?
"The Chest Winster '76."
Let's hope those redskins
never get their hands
on this amazing weapon.
Ready... aim... fire!
[CLICKS]
That's beautiful.
Wild Eagle, you've
done it again.
Oh, perfect copy
of the real thing.
They call it "the gun
that'll win the West."
Hm. What West?
Oh, he doesn't mean this
West. He means the other West.
Yeah, where the deer
and the antelope play.
Believe me, chief, your
share of the royalties
on that toy gun'll bring
you plenty of wampum.
Who needs wampum? Send money.
All right, how many
guns in that box?
We have 24 guns in crate,
and we will have 'nother 24
guns by time frost is on... pumpkin.
When is the frost
on the pumpkin?
Before beaver
starts building dam.
When is that?
Day after goose flies south.
Couldn't you be a little
more specific, chief?
How about Thursday?
You got yourself a deal.
Come on, Agarn,
give me a hand here.
[GRUNTS]
Sergeant, uh, why don't
you wait till guns are finished?
Well, the guy that
owns the general store
over in Dodge City
is due in Saturday
to pick up his order.
Sarge, he's gonna love 'em.
This is the best souvenir item
since the flaming arrow
marshmallow roaster.
Yeah, every kid in the territory
will have to have one of these
to play Cowboy and Indian.
Cowboys and Indians?
What happened to
deer and antelope?
Well, what I meant, chief...
Indians always the losers.
Don't feel bad, chief.
We're planning
another item for the kids
I know you gonna
love... a toy massacre set.
Yeah, we got these toy
covered wagons all in a circle,
and toy homesteaders
all laying around, dead.
Next to their toy scalps.
That, I like!
Ah, you stick with
O'Rourke Enterprises, chief.
You're gonna be up to your
feathers in... In silver dollars.
Oh, shh!
What 's the matter?
I keep telling squaw
you pay me off in beads.
Ah, good thinking.
Come on, Agarn.
Ah.
Hyah! Ha-ha!
Vanderbilt.
Vanderbilt!
What is it, Dobbs?
I'm too tried to climb
up there and hit you.
It's me, Agarn.
Have you seen any sign
of Sergeant O'Rourke?
No, thanks, Agarn.
I just had my coffee.
I said have you seen
Sergeant O'Rourke...?
Agarn, what are
you yelling about?
I've been...!
I've been looking
for you, sarge.
The captain wants to see
us in his office right away.
All right, let's go.
Yeah... Oh...
Uh, look, Dobbs,
if you're the least
bit unsure of yourself,
maybe we should do
this some other time.
Oh, no, captain. I'm ready.
Since you ran out
of here yesterday
before I could shave you,
I did more readin' in
my barbers' manual.
Oh, uh... That... That's
a good idea, Dobbs.
You know, there's a
whole chapter in here
on how to stop the bleedin'.
Oh? That... That's
very comforting.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn reporting, sir.
Uh...
Have you men spoken
to Chief Wild Eagle
about a treaty powwow?
Oh, yes, sir. I
spoke to the chief.
He said anytime it's good
for you, is good for him.
Good, then you can set up a
meeting for Saturday morning.
Right, sir.
Dobbs, what are you doing
with a razor in your hand?
Oh, I'm giving the
captain a shave.
One nice thing about
having the bugler shave you:
if anything goes wrong,
he can always blow "Taps."
Now, now, now.
I have complete faith and
confidence in Private Dobbs.
Right, sir.
Hey... Hey, you're not going
to leave me alone, are you?
Well, I will stay here
with you if you'd rather, sir.
I'll stay, but I won't watch.
Let's see, sir. I think
we're about ready.
I've got the razor sharpened,
the brush, the shaving soap.
What about his last
will and testament?
[GIGGLING]
Agarn, you're a card.
Ten-hut!
Oh!
At ease, captain.
Clean him off. I like to
look into a man's eyes
when I'm speaking to him.
Yes, sir.
[SIGHS]
Thank you, Dobbs.
Uh, major...
I'm... I'm Captain
Wilton Parmenter,
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn, Private Dobbs.
I'm the new company barber.
And I am the new
inspector general.
Oh, then you must be
Major Chester Winster.
The man who gave us
the Chest Winster '76.
The gun that will win the West.
Our hottest item.
What was that?
I said, if you can't
shoot 'em, bite 'em.
Uh, major, i-i-if you please.
Uh, Private Dobbs, I'm sure,
would be happy to take you
on an inspection tour of the fort.
I've already done
that, sergeant.
Dobbs.
Uh, by leave, sir.
Well, if... If you
have any ideas
on how we can
improve the fort, sir,
We're always open
to suggestions.
I have only one idea as to
how this fort may be improved.
Oh, what's that, sir?
Condemn it.
Major, I... I think you just
caught us at a bad time.
Captain Parmenter,
this is the sorriest lot
of cavalry troopers
I have ever seen.
You'd do better to put
the uniforms on the horses.
AGARN: That
might be difficult, sir.
You see, the
horse has four legs,
and we have two legs, and...
WINSTER: Corporal!
Captain Parmenter,
do you realize
that when I rode into this fort,
not one of your men
gave me a second look?
And that soldier you have
stationed on the lookout tower...
Oh, that would
be Vanderbilt, sir,
the keenest
Indian-spotter in the West.
Yes, sir.
He can hear a moccasin
step on a twig at 100 yards.
Oh, really?
But when I shouted, "Hey,
you on the lookout tower,
have you seen any Indians?"
do you know what he answered?
No, sir.
"I'd love to, corporal,
but I don't know
how to square dance."
Yeah, well, that's code, sir.
Mm. That's right.
And you were suppose to answer,
♪ Chase the possum
Chase raccoon ♪
♪ Chase that old
Red-tailed baboon ♪
♪ Oh, it jump up But
it never come down ♪
♪ Chase that pretty
girl Round and round ♪
♪ Ho-si-do and a
ho-si-way Away with... ♪
Yeah, actually, major,
you see, we're not
afraid of Indians, here.
We have a peace
treaty with the Hekawis.
Oh... well... It... It
expires on Saturday,
but I'm sure we'll have
no trouble renewing it.
Renew it? Forget it.
We're going to let
that treaty expire
and wipe out the Hekawis.
Humina... Hu... Hu...
Humina... Humina...
Wipe out the Hekawi?
Well, now, l-let's
not be hasty, sir.
Well, s-sir, we have to give
the Hekawis the opportunity
to renew the treaty.
Captain, I want to
give you an old saying
that may save your life.
"The only good Indian
is a dead Indian."
A-and I'd like to give
you an old saying
that may save your life.
And what's that?
"Starve a cold
and feed a fever."
AGARN: No, sir,
I think it's, "Starve a
fever and feed a cold."
You may be right, Agarn...
No, no. "It's feed a
cold, starve a fever."
Now, my grandma says it's:
"Starve a fever,
and feed a cold..."
All right!
We'll give the Hekawis a
chance to renew that treaty.
I think that's certainly
a fair decision, sir.
Well, I've arranged a powwow
with Chief, uh, Wild Eagle,
and, uh, I'm sure that
we'll have no problem, sir.
As ranking officer, I will
make the negotiations.
Captain Parmenter, I want you
to keep your men standing by.
Standing by for what?
We're going to lay
down such tough terms
that they'll never
re-sign the treaty.
They won't? And
then what happens?
We can wipe 'em out
with a clear conscience.
Captain... my quarters.
If he orders us to wipe
out those Hekawis,
we're gonna be in
some real trouble.
There's always a
bright side, sarge.
We might get lucky.
How?
They might wipe us out.
[♪♪♪]
Careful, you make fire
too big, Chief Wild Eagle.
Sorry, Smokey Bear.
When soldiers coming, chief?
Should come soon.
You go to lookout and
ask if he see them coming.
Crazy Hawk, you
see sign of soldiers?
CRAZY HAWK: No
thanks, Crazy Cat.
Me just eat buffalo sandwich.
You call tribe together.
[DRUMMING RHYTHMICALLY]
Enough with the drum.
The whole head just went.
And now, a word from our chief.
In few minutes, soldiers
come to sign treaty...
Sergeant O'Rourke say
new inspector general
is trying to get...
You want to be chief,
or you want to let me be chief?
Sorry.
Now, another
word from our chief.
O'Rourke say new
inspector general
trying to make us break treaty.
So we must show
we friendly Indian.
Smile, bow, scrape a little.
But always you must be...
You never give up, do you?
Still bucking for chief.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
[HORSE NEIGHING]
Oh, here they come.
Remember, be friendly.
I'm sure that you'll
find the Hekawis
a very friendly tribe, major.
Sergeant, uh... Huh?
See what I mean, sergeant?
We probably interrupted
the council of war.
Be alert, men.
We must be
prepared for anything.
How.
Me know how.
Well, you certainly can't
get any friendlier than that.
She's probably trying
to throw me off my guard.
I wish she'd throw me off mine.
Uh, chief, I want you to
meet Major Chester Winster.
Pleasure to meet
great white father.
You will like Hekawis.
Hekawis friendly people.
Always smile, always
bow, always scrape.
Hekawis love everybody...
We came to discuss
the new treaty.
Where do you want me to sign?
WINSTER: Oh, no.
This one is different
from the last treaty we had.
Yeah, well, the chief
doesn't care about that.
He just wants to live in
peace. Uh, right, chief?
Where do you want me to sign?
Under the new terms, the
Hekawis cannot carry knives,
tomahawks, bows and arrows,
guns or any other kind of weapon.
What? Well, under those terms,
they wouldn't be able
to hunt for their meat.
Hekawis vegetarians.
Friendly vegetarians.
Furthermore, we are
establishing a curfew.
Every member of the tribe
must be in his teepee by 7 p.m.
Why so late?
Um... And no member of the tribe
can wander off from their
camp more than 20 yards.
Anywhere you hang
your hat is home.
Well, I guess that
covers the main points.
Just, uh, sign there
on the bottom, chief.
Well, major.
I guess that takes care of that.
I'm sorry, major. I...
I always get a little
emotional at treaty signings.
I knew we wouldn't
have any trouble, Chief.
Hekawis friendly people.
We smile a lot.
We kiss a lot too.
Oh.
Well, that... That certainly
beats smoking a peace pipe.
Attack the Hekawis?
You heard me, captain.
But that would be
breaking the treaty.
They broke the treaty
by hiding those rifles.
Oh, but, now, sir, I can't
honestly say I saw any rifles.
You know, when I
fell into that teepee,
my head hit something sharp.
That was a crate
full of guns, you clod.
Uh, you sent for us, sir?
Yes, the major wants
us to attack the Hekawis.
A defenseless tribe
that's in bed by 7:00?
Oh, sir. Never.
If we do that, we'll stir up
every tribe in this territory.
Did either of you see a crate
full of guns in that teepee?
No, sir, I can't honestly
say that I saw any guns.
I was looking right at
'em, and I didn't see 'em.
Well, I should know a crate
full of my own rifles when I see it.
You mean they had
the Chest Winster '76?
The gun that will win the West.
O'ROURKE: No... No, major.
What you saw was
a box of old rifles
that the Hekawis
use for hunting.
They claimed to be vegetarians.
That's right, sir.
They use the guns to keep the
birds away from the vegetables.
Captain, I told you they
were only signing that treaty
to gain time for a sneak attack.
Well, they're not going
to get away with it.
Uh, major, perhaps I
should take a scouting party
and go up to the Hekawi camp.
This is no time for a
scouting party, sergeant.
Captain Parmenter, we are
launching a full-scale attack
on the Hekawi tribe.
Captain... Captain,
you just can't let him
attack our friends the Hekawis.
It would be wholesale slaughter.
And retail too.
Look, I'm sorry, men,
but the major outranks me.
Yeah, only with that
insignia on his shoulder,
not here, where it counts.
Corporal. Sir?
You take a horse and sneak
out and go up to the Hekawi camp,
and tell them to
run for the hills.
I knew you wouldn't
let us down, sir, ho-ho.
Is that a humane human being?
Mm.
[BUGLE PLAYING Off-KEY]
That sounds like "Assembly."
It ain't the "Camptown Races."
[♪♪♪]
Men,
in a few moments, we are going
on a very dangerous mission,
deep into the heart
of the enemy camp.
Your assignment:
wipe out the Hekawis.
I will lead the attack.
Sergeant O'Rourke.
Right, sir.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Duffy, when was the last
time you cleaned that gun?
Ten minutes ago, sir.
I have seen cleaner
barrels in a brewery.
O'ROURKE: Hm! Hoffenmueller!
You call that clean?
[STUTTERS INDISTINCTLY] Ah!
Major, with your permission,
I would like to issue
some new weapons
that just arrived, the
Chest Winster '76s.
The gun that'll win the West.
Permission granted.
All right, men, fall
out to the wagon.
Corporal Agarn is gonna
issue some new weapons.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Go on.
Squaws are finished work
on another crate of guns.
Mm-hm.
Ah, good work, Crazy Cat.
How you get squaws
to make them so fast?
There's wise, old Indian saying:
"You show me raccoon
with nose in mud,
and I show you
squirrel with nut in tree."
What does that mean?
If I knew that, I'd be chief.
Squirrel may have nut in
tree, but I think I got nut in tribe.
[WHISPERING] I
told you they had guns.
Look for yourselves.
By George, those rifles
look exactly like ours.
Sergeant, pass
the word to standby.
[WHISPERING] Pass
the word to standby.
[WHISPERING] Standby.
Standby.
Standby.
Standby.
But, major,
shouldn't our first objective
be to capture the rifles?
Never.
Always remember, captain,
that a rifle is of no use
without a trigger finger.
Well... But on the other
hand, a triggerless finger
is no better than
a fingerless gun.
Which is somewhat like
having a fingerless finger
and a hairless hand.
What?
Which is somewhat...
Will you...?!
[WHISPERING]
Will you keep quiet?
Major, I think if
we're going to attack,
now is the time.
Right.
Charge!
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
Fire!
No, no, major. Look,
they're surrendering.
No surrender. Fire!
[GUNS CLICKING]
Fire!
Me love you too.
Sergeant O'Rourke, what
kind of rifles are these?
The Chest Winster '76, sir.
The gun that's going
to lose the West.
What is going on?
Well, you've got us
surrounded, chief.
All right, men.
Put your hands up. We surrender.
I wanna die with my boots on.
And you say I'm a nut.
Major, the better part of valor
is to live to fight another day.
Oh, all right, I surrender.
Hekawis win at last!
Uh, Chief Wild Eagle,
I'd like to apologize
for this surprise attack a-and
go back to our old treaty.
All right, we go
back to old treaty.
Hekawis not sore winners.
That's very sporting
of you, chief, hm.
All right, men, you can
put your hands down now.
Keep your hands up.
Want to show off for neighbors.
Ah, chief. Come...
Back to the fort.
Go on, go on.
It was in the factory.
That's it.
That's it!
The factory made a mistake!
Oh, I couldn't
be wrong. I had...
T-ten years. Ten years
I spent on this rifle.
What that all about, O'Rourke?
Ah, that hard-nosed major
wanted us to wipe out the Hekawis.
Wipe us out with toy guns?
But the major didn't know that.
He thought these were real guns.
With real bullets?
Yeah.
And he wants to be chief.
Yeah, if I hadn't have
switched these guns,
today could have been
the last of the Hekawis, hm.
[THUD]
I think there's a job
open here for a chief.
Troop, ten-hut!
Well, I certainly hope you
have a pleasant trip back, major.
Thank you, captain.
And I'm sure you'll get
the bugs out of your rifle.
I still don't know
how that happened.
You can bet your
life I'll track it down.
Oh, I'm sure you will, sir.
Present arms!
I may as well warn you, captain,
that as the new
inspector general,
I'll be making these surprise
visits pretty frequently.
Well, as far as F Troop
is concerned, major,
you'll find the welcome
mat always out for you.
You may regret
saying that, captain.
Cannon, salute.
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed ♪
♪ Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[WHINNIES]
Well, I think I licked that
cowlick for you, captain.
Hm? Oh, good.
Good for you, Dobbs.
A little brushin' ought to
keep her down for sure.
Ah.
[GIGGLES]
Say, I like that, Dobbs.
So does my little gray mare.
Every time I brush
her up like this,
her tail flies up.
Well, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to find another way
to show my appreciation.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You sure got a
keen wit, captain.
Thank you.
Here we go.
D-D-Dobbs... haven't
you forgotten something?
Uh, what, sir?
Shaving soap.
That's why you're
captain, and I'm a private.
Hi, Wilton.
Mm... mm, later, Jane.
Hi, Jane.
I'm giving the
captain my first shave.
I can see that.
Sorry about that, sir.
Thank you, Dobbs.
Wilton, do you know
what this Saturday is?
This is no time to
discuss it, Janey.
It's the 23rd of the month.
Doesn't that ring a bell?
Jane, at a time like this,
the 23rd does not ring any...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute...
Wait... Wait... Wait a minute.
Wait. That does ring a bell.
I even wrote it down, here.
I knew you wouldn't
forget, Wilton.
Of course not.
That's the day our treaty
with the Hekawis ends.
It's also our anniversary.
It'll be six months
this Saturday
that we first set
eyes on each other.
Doesn't that mean
anything to you?
Oh... Oh, why of course, Jane.
[CHUCKLES]
Happy anniversary.
Oh. Captain...
Do you think you'll
have any trouble
gettin' the new treaty
with the Hekawis?
Oh, no... No, I don't think so.
I better go find Sergeant
O'Rourke though,
and... And get him to arrange a...
A powwow with Chief Wild Eagle.
We'll just ride up to their camp
and smoke the peace pipe.
Why, I'll bet they'll sign
before the second pipefull.
[♪♪♪]
The Hekawis will
never sign a new treaty.
You may be right, major.
Sir, every report we've
had from Washington
has followed the same pattern.
The Apaches refuse
to sign a new treaty,
the Comanches refuse to
sign, and so have the Sioux.
Sounds like Geronimo has
finally talked to all the tribes
into launching
full-scale attacks.
By midnight on Saturday,
when the Hekawi treaty runs out,
we can expect a full-scale
assault on Fort Courage.
Oh, yes, that's F Troop,
commanded by a
Captain Parmenter.
I just had some urgent
correspondence with him.
What did he say, sir?
He wanted a barbers' manual.
When the Hekawis
go on the warpath,
they'll teach him
how to give haircuts.
Major, as the new inspector
general of this territory,
I'm assigning you to
the Fort Courage area.
I was hoping you
were gonna do that, sir.
It'll be your duty
to see that F Troop
is a crack fighting unit.
It shouldn't be too difficult.
We have this new
rifle I designed.
I think it's going to be
the gun that wins the West.
The cavalry will long remember
the name of Major
Chester Winster.
Thank you, sir.
What are you going
to call your gun?
"The Chest Winster '76."
Let's hope those redskins
never get their hands
on this amazing weapon.
Ready... aim... fire!
[CLICKS]
That's beautiful.
Wild Eagle, you've
done it again.
Oh, perfect copy
of the real thing.
They call it "the gun
that'll win the West."
Hm. What West?
Oh, he doesn't mean this
West. He means the other West.
Yeah, where the deer
and the antelope play.
Believe me, chief, your
share of the royalties
on that toy gun'll bring
you plenty of wampum.
Who needs wampum? Send money.
All right, how many
guns in that box?
We have 24 guns in crate,
and we will have 'nother 24
guns by time frost is on... pumpkin.
When is the frost
on the pumpkin?
Before beaver
starts building dam.
When is that?
Day after goose flies south.
Couldn't you be a little
more specific, chief?
How about Thursday?
You got yourself a deal.
Come on, Agarn,
give me a hand here.
[GRUNTS]
Sergeant, uh, why don't
you wait till guns are finished?
Well, the guy that
owns the general store
over in Dodge City
is due in Saturday
to pick up his order.
Sarge, he's gonna love 'em.
This is the best souvenir item
since the flaming arrow
marshmallow roaster.
Yeah, every kid in the territory
will have to have one of these
to play Cowboy and Indian.
Cowboys and Indians?
What happened to
deer and antelope?
Well, what I meant, chief...
Indians always the losers.
Don't feel bad, chief.
We're planning
another item for the kids
I know you gonna
love... a toy massacre set.
Yeah, we got these toy
covered wagons all in a circle,
and toy homesteaders
all laying around, dead.
Next to their toy scalps.
That, I like!
Ah, you stick with
O'Rourke Enterprises, chief.
You're gonna be up to your
feathers in... In silver dollars.
Oh, shh!
What 's the matter?
I keep telling squaw
you pay me off in beads.
Ah, good thinking.
Come on, Agarn.
Ah.
Hyah! Ha-ha!
Vanderbilt.
Vanderbilt!
What is it, Dobbs?
I'm too tried to climb
up there and hit you.
It's me, Agarn.
Have you seen any sign
of Sergeant O'Rourke?
No, thanks, Agarn.
I just had my coffee.
I said have you seen
Sergeant O'Rourke...?
Agarn, what are
you yelling about?
I've been...!
I've been looking
for you, sarge.
The captain wants to see
us in his office right away.
All right, let's go.
Yeah... Oh...
Uh, look, Dobbs,
if you're the least
bit unsure of yourself,
maybe we should do
this some other time.
Oh, no, captain. I'm ready.
Since you ran out
of here yesterday
before I could shave you,
I did more readin' in
my barbers' manual.
Oh, uh... That... That's
a good idea, Dobbs.
You know, there's a
whole chapter in here
on how to stop the bleedin'.
Oh? That... That's
very comforting.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn reporting, sir.
Uh...
Have you men spoken
to Chief Wild Eagle
about a treaty powwow?
Oh, yes, sir. I
spoke to the chief.
He said anytime it's good
for you, is good for him.
Good, then you can set up a
meeting for Saturday morning.
Right, sir.
Dobbs, what are you doing
with a razor in your hand?
Oh, I'm giving the
captain a shave.
One nice thing about
having the bugler shave you:
if anything goes wrong,
he can always blow "Taps."
Now, now, now.
I have complete faith and
confidence in Private Dobbs.
Right, sir.
Hey... Hey, you're not going
to leave me alone, are you?
Well, I will stay here
with you if you'd rather, sir.
I'll stay, but I won't watch.
Let's see, sir. I think
we're about ready.
I've got the razor sharpened,
the brush, the shaving soap.
What about his last
will and testament?
[GIGGLING]
Agarn, you're a card.
Ten-hut!
Oh!
At ease, captain.
Clean him off. I like to
look into a man's eyes
when I'm speaking to him.
Yes, sir.
[SIGHS]
Thank you, Dobbs.
Uh, major...
I'm... I'm Captain
Wilton Parmenter,
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn, Private Dobbs.
I'm the new company barber.
And I am the new
inspector general.
Oh, then you must be
Major Chester Winster.
The man who gave us
the Chest Winster '76.
The gun that will win the West.
Our hottest item.
What was that?
I said, if you can't
shoot 'em, bite 'em.
Uh, major, i-i-if you please.
Uh, Private Dobbs, I'm sure,
would be happy to take you
on an inspection tour of the fort.
I've already done
that, sergeant.
Dobbs.
Uh, by leave, sir.
Well, if... If you
have any ideas
on how we can
improve the fort, sir,
We're always open
to suggestions.
I have only one idea as to
how this fort may be improved.
Oh, what's that, sir?
Condemn it.
Major, I... I think you just
caught us at a bad time.
Captain Parmenter,
this is the sorriest lot
of cavalry troopers
I have ever seen.
You'd do better to put
the uniforms on the horses.
AGARN: That
might be difficult, sir.
You see, the
horse has four legs,
and we have two legs, and...
WINSTER: Corporal!
Captain Parmenter,
do you realize
that when I rode into this fort,
not one of your men
gave me a second look?
And that soldier you have
stationed on the lookout tower...
Oh, that would
be Vanderbilt, sir,
the keenest
Indian-spotter in the West.
Yes, sir.
He can hear a moccasin
step on a twig at 100 yards.
Oh, really?
But when I shouted, "Hey,
you on the lookout tower,
have you seen any Indians?"
do you know what he answered?
No, sir.
"I'd love to, corporal,
but I don't know
how to square dance."
Yeah, well, that's code, sir.
Mm. That's right.
And you were suppose to answer,
♪ Chase the possum
Chase raccoon ♪
♪ Chase that old
Red-tailed baboon ♪
♪ Oh, it jump up But
it never come down ♪
♪ Chase that pretty
girl Round and round ♪
♪ Ho-si-do and a
ho-si-way Away with... ♪
Yeah, actually, major,
you see, we're not
afraid of Indians, here.
We have a peace
treaty with the Hekawis.
Oh... well... It... It
expires on Saturday,
but I'm sure we'll have
no trouble renewing it.
Renew it? Forget it.
We're going to let
that treaty expire
and wipe out the Hekawis.
Humina... Hu... Hu...
Humina... Humina...
Wipe out the Hekawi?
Well, now, l-let's
not be hasty, sir.
Well, s-sir, we have to give
the Hekawis the opportunity
to renew the treaty.
Captain, I want to
give you an old saying
that may save your life.
"The only good Indian
is a dead Indian."
A-and I'd like to give
you an old saying
that may save your life.
And what's that?
"Starve a cold
and feed a fever."
AGARN: No, sir,
I think it's, "Starve a
fever and feed a cold."
You may be right, Agarn...
No, no. "It's feed a
cold, starve a fever."
Now, my grandma says it's:
"Starve a fever,
and feed a cold..."
All right!
We'll give the Hekawis a
chance to renew that treaty.
I think that's certainly
a fair decision, sir.
Well, I've arranged a powwow
with Chief, uh, Wild Eagle,
and, uh, I'm sure that
we'll have no problem, sir.
As ranking officer, I will
make the negotiations.
Captain Parmenter, I want you
to keep your men standing by.
Standing by for what?
We're going to lay
down such tough terms
that they'll never
re-sign the treaty.
They won't? And
then what happens?
We can wipe 'em out
with a clear conscience.
Captain... my quarters.
If he orders us to wipe
out those Hekawis,
we're gonna be in
some real trouble.
There's always a
bright side, sarge.
We might get lucky.
How?
They might wipe us out.
[♪♪♪]
Careful, you make fire
too big, Chief Wild Eagle.
Sorry, Smokey Bear.
When soldiers coming, chief?
Should come soon.
You go to lookout and
ask if he see them coming.
Crazy Hawk, you
see sign of soldiers?
CRAZY HAWK: No
thanks, Crazy Cat.
Me just eat buffalo sandwich.
You call tribe together.
[DRUMMING RHYTHMICALLY]
Enough with the drum.
The whole head just went.
And now, a word from our chief.
In few minutes, soldiers
come to sign treaty...
Sergeant O'Rourke say
new inspector general
is trying to get...
You want to be chief,
or you want to let me be chief?
Sorry.
Now, another
word from our chief.
O'Rourke say new
inspector general
trying to make us break treaty.
So we must show
we friendly Indian.
Smile, bow, scrape a little.
But always you must be...
You never give up, do you?
Still bucking for chief.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
[HORSE NEIGHING]
Oh, here they come.
Remember, be friendly.
I'm sure that you'll
find the Hekawis
a very friendly tribe, major.
Sergeant, uh... Huh?
See what I mean, sergeant?
We probably interrupted
the council of war.
Be alert, men.
We must be
prepared for anything.
How.
Me know how.
Well, you certainly can't
get any friendlier than that.
She's probably trying
to throw me off my guard.
I wish she'd throw me off mine.
Uh, chief, I want you to
meet Major Chester Winster.
Pleasure to meet
great white father.
You will like Hekawis.
Hekawis friendly people.
Always smile, always
bow, always scrape.
Hekawis love everybody...
We came to discuss
the new treaty.
Where do you want me to sign?
WINSTER: Oh, no.
This one is different
from the last treaty we had.
Yeah, well, the chief
doesn't care about that.
He just wants to live in
peace. Uh, right, chief?
Where do you want me to sign?
Under the new terms, the
Hekawis cannot carry knives,
tomahawks, bows and arrows,
guns or any other kind of weapon.
What? Well, under those terms,
they wouldn't be able
to hunt for their meat.
Hekawis vegetarians.
Friendly vegetarians.
Furthermore, we are
establishing a curfew.
Every member of the tribe
must be in his teepee by 7 p.m.
Why so late?
Um... And no member of the tribe
can wander off from their
camp more than 20 yards.
Anywhere you hang
your hat is home.
Well, I guess that
covers the main points.
Just, uh, sign there
on the bottom, chief.
Well, major.
I guess that takes care of that.
I'm sorry, major. I...
I always get a little
emotional at treaty signings.
I knew we wouldn't
have any trouble, Chief.
Hekawis friendly people.
We smile a lot.
We kiss a lot too.
Oh.
Well, that... That certainly
beats smoking a peace pipe.
Attack the Hekawis?
You heard me, captain.
But that would be
breaking the treaty.
They broke the treaty
by hiding those rifles.
Oh, but, now, sir, I can't
honestly say I saw any rifles.
You know, when I
fell into that teepee,
my head hit something sharp.
That was a crate
full of guns, you clod.
Uh, you sent for us, sir?
Yes, the major wants
us to attack the Hekawis.
A defenseless tribe
that's in bed by 7:00?
Oh, sir. Never.
If we do that, we'll stir up
every tribe in this territory.
Did either of you see a crate
full of guns in that teepee?
No, sir, I can't honestly
say that I saw any guns.
I was looking right at
'em, and I didn't see 'em.
Well, I should know a crate
full of my own rifles when I see it.
You mean they had
the Chest Winster '76?
The gun that will win the West.
O'ROURKE: No... No, major.
What you saw was
a box of old rifles
that the Hekawis
use for hunting.
They claimed to be vegetarians.
That's right, sir.
They use the guns to keep the
birds away from the vegetables.
Captain, I told you they
were only signing that treaty
to gain time for a sneak attack.
Well, they're not going
to get away with it.
Uh, major, perhaps I
should take a scouting party
and go up to the Hekawi camp.
This is no time for a
scouting party, sergeant.
Captain Parmenter, we are
launching a full-scale attack
on the Hekawi tribe.
Captain... Captain,
you just can't let him
attack our friends the Hekawis.
It would be wholesale slaughter.
And retail too.
Look, I'm sorry, men,
but the major outranks me.
Yeah, only with that
insignia on his shoulder,
not here, where it counts.
Corporal. Sir?
You take a horse and sneak
out and go up to the Hekawi camp,
and tell them to
run for the hills.
I knew you wouldn't
let us down, sir, ho-ho.
Is that a humane human being?
Mm.
[BUGLE PLAYING Off-KEY]
That sounds like "Assembly."
It ain't the "Camptown Races."
[♪♪♪]
Men,
in a few moments, we are going
on a very dangerous mission,
deep into the heart
of the enemy camp.
Your assignment:
wipe out the Hekawis.
I will lead the attack.
Sergeant O'Rourke.
Right, sir.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Duffy, when was the last
time you cleaned that gun?
Ten minutes ago, sir.
I have seen cleaner
barrels in a brewery.
O'ROURKE: Hm! Hoffenmueller!
You call that clean?
[STUTTERS INDISTINCTLY] Ah!
Major, with your permission,
I would like to issue
some new weapons
that just arrived, the
Chest Winster '76s.
The gun that'll win the West.
Permission granted.
All right, men, fall
out to the wagon.
Corporal Agarn is gonna
issue some new weapons.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Go on.
Squaws are finished work
on another crate of guns.
Mm-hm.
Ah, good work, Crazy Cat.
How you get squaws
to make them so fast?
There's wise, old Indian saying:
"You show me raccoon
with nose in mud,
and I show you
squirrel with nut in tree."
What does that mean?
If I knew that, I'd be chief.
Squirrel may have nut in
tree, but I think I got nut in tribe.
[WHISPERING] I
told you they had guns.
Look for yourselves.
By George, those rifles
look exactly like ours.
Sergeant, pass
the word to standby.
[WHISPERING] Pass
the word to standby.
[WHISPERING] Standby.
Standby.
Standby.
Standby.
But, major,
shouldn't our first objective
be to capture the rifles?
Never.
Always remember, captain,
that a rifle is of no use
without a trigger finger.
Well... But on the other
hand, a triggerless finger
is no better than
a fingerless gun.
Which is somewhat like
having a fingerless finger
and a hairless hand.
What?
Which is somewhat...
Will you...?!
[WHISPERING]
Will you keep quiet?
Major, I think if
we're going to attack,
now is the time.
Right.
Charge!
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
Fire!
No, no, major. Look,
they're surrendering.
No surrender. Fire!
[GUNS CLICKING]
Fire!
Me love you too.
Sergeant O'Rourke, what
kind of rifles are these?
The Chest Winster '76, sir.
The gun that's going
to lose the West.
What is going on?
Well, you've got us
surrounded, chief.
All right, men.
Put your hands up. We surrender.
I wanna die with my boots on.
And you say I'm a nut.
Major, the better part of valor
is to live to fight another day.
Oh, all right, I surrender.
Hekawis win at last!
Uh, Chief Wild Eagle,
I'd like to apologize
for this surprise attack a-and
go back to our old treaty.
All right, we go
back to old treaty.
Hekawis not sore winners.
That's very sporting
of you, chief, hm.
All right, men, you can
put your hands down now.
Keep your hands up.
Want to show off for neighbors.
Ah, chief. Come...
Back to the fort.
Go on, go on.
It was in the factory.
That's it.
That's it!
The factory made a mistake!
Oh, I couldn't
be wrong. I had...
T-ten years. Ten years
I spent on this rifle.
What that all about, O'Rourke?
Ah, that hard-nosed major
wanted us to wipe out the Hekawis.
Wipe us out with toy guns?
But the major didn't know that.
He thought these were real guns.
With real bullets?
Yeah.
And he wants to be chief.
Yeah, if I hadn't have
switched these guns,
today could have been
the last of the Hekawis, hm.
[THUD]
I think there's a job
open here for a chief.
Troop, ten-hut!
Well, I certainly hope you
have a pleasant trip back, major.
Thank you, captain.
And I'm sure you'll get
the bugs out of your rifle.
I still don't know
how that happened.
You can bet your
life I'll track it down.
Oh, I'm sure you will, sir.
Present arms!
I may as well warn you, captain,
that as the new
inspector general,
I'll be making these surprise
visits pretty frequently.
Well, as far as F Troop
is concerned, major,
you'll find the welcome
mat always out for you.
You may regret
saying that, captain.
Cannon, salute.
[♪♪♪]