F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 23 - The Courtship of Wrangler Jane - full transcript

To have the Captain move off post, O'Rourke plays cupid for him and Wrangler Jane.

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed ♪

♪ Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪



♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Wild Eagle.
Your teepee's on fire.

Teepee not on fire.

This my steam room.

Very good for old Chief
Wild Eagle's old bones.



If not for this, old chief would
be in happy hunting ground

with his old bones.

Why not you shut
your young mouth?

I'm sorry you don't
feel good, chief,

but I gotta talk to you
about the souvenir business.

Not today, O'Rourke.

I think I'm coming
down with a chest cold.

Could be pneumonia, chief,

and then off to the
happy hunting ground.

Again with the
happy hunting ground.

You keep dreaming you
gonna become chief some day.

Ha! Over my dead body.

That's when I become chief.

Wild Eagle, I've had
the sniffles myself lately,

mind if I sweat 'em out here?

Go right ahead.

Price 15 cents.

Price includes steam,
blanket, massage and tip.

Keep your shirt on, Agarn.

But, sarge, there
ain't nothing healthier

for you than steam
from a hot Indian spring.

This no hot spring.

We just make fire in pit
and cover over with rocks.

More water.

Ah, you mean to tell me

that there ain't no natural
hot spring under this teepee?

What you want for 15 cents?

Yellowstone Park?

This is great.

I feel better already.

How long it take
you to build this?

WILD EAGLE: One day.

Just dig pit in ground.

Six feet under,

like when you about
to bury someone.

You never let go.

Just want Sergeant
O'Rourke to get picture.

I'm going to hit you in
head with tomahawk.

Got that picture?

AGARN: Fellas, a
little more steam?

Hit the rocks, Craze.

Maybe men in F Troop
want to come up for steam.

Nah, nah, the men of
F Troop are too tough.

They'd never go
for a thing like this.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, Agarn.

AGARN: But, sarge,

the steam is just starting
to open up my pores

and let the poison
out of my system.

Come on, Agarn.

I'm sorry you're
not feeling so good.

See you later.

Maybe.

That steam room's
the greatest, sarge.

Yeah. I think you're wrong.

I think the guys in F
Troop would love it up here.

Would you shut up?
What did I say, sarge?

Why should we bring the
troopers up here for Wild Eagle

when we got a steam
room of our own?

We have?

How come I ain't never seen it?

Because I ain't built it yet.

Oh, that makes sense.

Not to me, but it makes sense.

I am going to build a steam
room just like Wild Eagle's

right in our NCO club.

Don't you think the captain
will get a little suspicious

seeing everybody walk into
the club wrapped in a blanket?

I've been thinking.

Lately, O'Rourke Enterprises
has been losing 12 hours a night

because captain
lives on the post.

What are you gonna do, sarge?

Give him an eviction notice?

Remember? Married
officers live off of the post.

But he ain't married.

I know that.

But haven't you noticed lately

that look in
Wrangler Jane's eyes,

that kind of "rice and
old shoes" look, huh?

Well, I've seen her eating rice,

but I ain't never seen
her wearing old shoes.

We are going to
play Cupid, stupid.

AGARN: Janey, do
you want to get married?

I didn't know you
felt that way, Agarn.

This is my first proposal.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I wasn't proposing.

I wasn't accepting.

No, no, we're talking
about Captain Parmenter.

Well, if Wilton Parmenter
wants to marry me,

he's going to have
to speak for himself.

Janey, if you wait for
Captain Parmenter to propose,

he's gonna be too old
to get down on his knees.

You'd never hear him
through your ear trumpet.

Why are you two
suddenly so interested

in our getting married?

Well, speaking for myself,
I hate long engagements.

Yeah, but we're
not even engaged.

Which gives you a rough idea

how long your
engagement's going to be.

O'ROURKE: We know how
you feel about the captain,

and, well, we also know how
the captain feels about you.

Oh? Well, he's never said
nothing to me about marriage,

and I don't think he's
said anything to you either.

Well, he ain't exactly
come right out and said it.

Well, if he ain't never really
"come right out and said it,"

how do you know he
wants to marry me?

He talks in his sleep.

If you're in the
noncoms quarters,

how can you hear Wilton
when he's talking in his sleep?

'Cause I'm walking in my sleep.

Every night I pass his
window, and I hear him say,

"I want to marry Jane,
but I'm too shy to ask her.

I want to marry Jane,
but I'm too shy to ask her."

Gosh, I wish I
could believe you.

'Cause I'd given up on
Wilton's ever asking me.

Look. My wedding dress. On sale.

Sarge, it's breaking my heart.

Uh, some men are
shy. I mean, they...

Well, they need a push
to get 'em to the altar.

Well, I'm not gonna
push no man to no altar.

Well, we'll push and you pull.

Now, I'm not saying that this
marriage wouldn't benefit us.

Benefit you? How?

Well, I mean, a happy
commander means a happy fort,

and a happy fort
means happy troopers.

And happy troopers
means happy horses.

And happy horses
means happy hooves.

And there's nothing like
the patter of happy hooves

around a happy fort.

I got to admit,

I've had my cap set
for Wilton a long time.

Janey girl, you just
leave everything to us

and you'll be going down that
middle aisle before you can say

"Mrs. Wilton Parmenter."

Mrs. Wilton Parmenter.

Do you really
think he'll ask me?

You just leave that to me.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

At ease, men. I'll be
with you in a minute.

I-I think this drawer is warped.

Can I give you a hand, sir?

No thank you, corporal.

Can I give you a foot?

A foot?

[CHUCKLES]

Say that's a good idea.

There.

Oh!

O'ROURKE: Are you
all right, captain, sir?

I'm fi... I'm fine.

Here we go. That's clear.

Ah, yes. Those drawers
always stick in damp weather, sir.

This never would have
happened if you were married.

It wouldn't?

Well, it's lunchtime, sir,

and you would have been
home playing with the baby.

What baby?

You do like children,
don't you, sir?

Well, yes.

How many do you want?

I don't know.

I think Jane wants
a big family. Yeah.

Well, the Parmenters have
always gone for big families too,

and I suppose... that...

Jane? How did she get
into this conversation?

Captain, naturally we feel
that a man in these parts,

well, when he finds a
girl that's just right for him,

well, sooner or later

they'll tie the knot
and settle down.

Off... the post.

Well, I've never really
given it much thought.

Ah, but you should,
captain. Just think:

After a hard day at the fort,

you go home and have a
little woman waiting for you

with a pipe and the slippers.

George Washington
never would have made it

through Valley Forge,

if he hadn't lived off
the post with Martha.

Howdy.

Janey, what a pleasant surprise.

We were just talking about
you. Weren't we, captain?

Yes, we were. Hi, Jane.

I just happened to
be walking by the fort

with this hot apple pie, and
I thought you might like it.

What a thoughtful girl.

And I bet it's the
captain's favorite.

No, actually my taste
runs to gooseberry.

What a beautiful
dress, Wrangler.

Say, I'll bet that
cost a pretty penny.

Oh, it didn't cost nothing.

I made it myself.

AGARN: Did you hear that?

She makes her own own clothes.

She's cheaper to
keep than a horse.

In all fairness to
a horse, corporal,

they don't wear clothes.

Yeah, but you've got to buy
them twice as many shoes.

That's right. That's true.

Janey, why don't we
try a piece of your pie?

Sure thing.

None for me, thanks, Janey,

I have just a little
touch of indigestion.

Aw, that's because
you're not used to

good old-fashioned
home cooking, captain.

Off the post. Yeah.

Oh.

There you are.

Thank you, Janey.

Sure you won't change
your mind, Wilton?

No, I better not, Janey.
Thanks, some other time.

Oh. Thank you.

This is terrific pie, Jane.

Mmm!

Captain, is this yummy.

I'm sure this will
settle your tum-tum.

Here, Wilton.

Janey, please. I'm
trying to open this drawer.

It's open now.

Wilton, are you all right?

Yes, yes, I'm all right.

Oh, you hurt your head.

Put some pie on it, and
the swelling will go down.

Agarn, that's steak.

AGARN: Janey makes
a wonderful steak.

Janey, cook the
captain up a T-bone.

I'd better have the
carpenter fix this.

O'ROURKE: No, no, captain,
I'll take care of that for you, sir.

[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]

No, no, I'll do it
myself. I'll do it myself.

But, uh, captain...

I guess I can put that sale
sign back on my wedding dress.

You know, I can't believe
Captain Parmenter.

You look pretty... for a girl.

Everybody says that but Wilton.

Wait a minute.

Ha-ha. That's it.

What's it?

If somebody else
notices how pretty she is,

I'll bet you the captain
will have this little lady

in front of a
preacher just like that.

I'm not interested
in anybody but him.

But if he thought you
were, he'd come runnin'.

The jealousy angle. Mm.

Good idea, sarge.

Who do we get to
start courting Jane?

You. Me?

I'm spoke for.

O'ROURKE: Betty
Lou is in Passaic.

But some big mouth
is bound to write her

and tell her I'm going
out with another girl.

Who would do a thing like that?

Me.

We're wasting our time,
O'Rourke, it won't work.

Why not? You think
Wilton would believe

I'm interested in Agarn?

Now, wait a minute, Jane.

You should be flattered
that I would even

pretend to be courting you.

If Wilton ever saw me with
you, he'd never propose.

He'd be laughing too hard.

Well, let me tell you
something. There's a lot...

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Here you too are
having a lovers' quarrel,

and you ain't even in love yet.

Gosh, I'm sorry, Agarn.

I'd be happy to have you
pretend to be my beau.

All I care about is
seeing you two kids

find a lifetime of
happiness... off the post.

O'ROURKE: Now, that's
better. That's more like it.

The minute he sees you
two courting, he'll be green.

[LAUGHS]

Speaking of green, about
those apples in your pie.

[♪♪♪]

O'ROURKE: Ah, troop dismissed.

Morning, Jane.

Good morning, Wilton.

What's in there?

I just fixed up
a little breakfast.

Oh, Jane, you shouldn't
have gone to so much trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble at all.

Randolph loves my cooking.

Randolph?

Morning, Jane.

Morning, Randolph.

Morning, sergeant. Wrangler.

I thought you might like some
of my homemade flapjacks

with homemade maple syrup
and some homemade sausage

with a homemade jug of coffee.

And you brought it in
your homemade basket.

Lucky dog, you.

With the captain's permission,

I'd like to have
breakfast with my guest.

Well, that's a little irregular.

I think regulation
29-8 covers that, sir.

What regulation is that?

It says, "Any cavalryman can
receive packages from home,"

but nowhere does it state
they have to be from his home.

That's true, sergeant.

Thank you, sir. Jane?

See you later, Wilton.

Oh, that Agarn is
a smooth worker.

Well, Jane is a very
nice, thoughtful girl

and she's just trying to do her
bit for the boys in the service.

She probably wore that
real pretty dress today

because all her buckskins
are in the laundry.

Yes, that's probably it.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh...

Well, shall I have Dobbs
bring your breakfast over, sir?

No, thank you, sergeant,
I... just lost my appetite.

All right. Dismissed for chow.

Everything in order, sergeant?

Everything running smooth, sir.

Uh, speaking of smooth,
where's Corporal Agarn?

He's having lunch
with a guest, sir.

Another guest?

No, same guest.

I don't want to
appear to be a ramrod,

but Corporal Agarn is in
charge of posting guards.

Now, look at that.

There's no guard
in the lookout tower.

Well, that's where
he's having lunch, sir.

In the lookout tower?

Aw, no. There's nobody
in there, sergeant.

Agarn!

[♪♪♪]

Everything's under
control up here, sarge.

Well, you were
certainly right, sir.

Wrangler Jane is "doing her
bit" for the boys in the service.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Oh. You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, at ease, sergeant,
it's about Corporal Agarn.

What seems to
be the trouble, sir?

Well, I've been looking
through my manual,

and while the war
department has no regulations

against picnics in
the lookout tower,

I think it's unmilitary.

I couldn't agree
with you more, sir.

If the Indians should
launch an attack,

it would be very difficult for
the lookout to shout a warning

with a hard-boiled
egg in his mouth.

Oh, you're
absolutely right, sir.

So I want you to tell Corporal
Agarn that he can't have dinner

with his guest in
the lookout tower.

Sir, he's not having
dinner in the lookout tower.

Oh, so he's finally
dining in the mess hall.

No, sir, he's dining
on your porch.

On my porch?

Well, Corporal Agarn
likes to dine by moonlight.

He's very smooth, sir.

Good evening, Captain Parmenter.

Uh... Uh... At ease, corporal.

With the captain's permission,

I'd like to begin dining on

Jane's homemade fried
chicken, homemade biscuits,

homemade apple butter
and homemade carrots.

Homemade carrots?

Yes, I raised them in my garden.

We won't be long, captain. No.

Right after dinner,

Randolph's taking
me to pick wild flowers.

You're going to pick
wild flowers at night?

Yes. That's what
makes it... so wild.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I'll say one thing
for Corporal Agarn,

he's not a very smooth eater.

You're right, sir.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have to finish filling out
my application for transfer.

Right, sir.

Transfer?

That's right, sergeant.

You...

I-I can't really believe
that you're serious

about leaving Fort Courage, sir.

I've never been more
serious in my life.

But, sir, F Troop wouldn't be
the same without the old man.

What old man?

Well, you, sir.
You're the old man.

Oh, yes, well, I keep
forgetting I'm the old man.

Well, headquarters will
just send out a new old man,

or an old new man,
or a new new man,

or an old old man.

Begging the captain's pardon,

but is there any
particular reason

why you want to be
transferred from Fort Courage?

Well, uh, yes.

One of the reasons
is... Is the climate.

The climate here
is very bad for me.

It, uh... It's too dry.

I'd like to be in a place
where they have a little Jane...

I mean, rain.

Well, now, if there's
anything that the captain

would like to discuss, sir, I
mean, of a personal nature,

I assure you it will
not leave this room.

No, no, no, it's nothing
like that, sergeant.

It's just that when an
officer is in one post too long,

it just gets to be
too much of a Jane...

A strain.

Well, sir, I can only tell you

that the men of F Troop

certainly don't want
to see you leave.

Well, I... I appreciate
that, sergeant,

and I'm sure I don't
have to tell you how I feel

about F Troop. Mm.

When do you plan to leave, sir?

Just as soon as I can
catch the first Jane... Train.

Well, sir, in that case,
the men of F Troop

would like for you
to be their guest

at a farewell party in
your honor tomorrow night.

Thank you very much, sergeant.

I'd be proud to attend.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, captain? Yes?

This will be kind of
a combination affair.

Combination?

Yes. A farewell party for you

and a, hmm-hmm, bachelor
party for Corporal Agarn.

Bachelor party?

He's getting married, sir.

Not to Wrangler Train.

That's Jane, sir.

I-I mean, Jane.

Now, of course, if you
don't want to be there...

Oh, no, no. I'll be there.

Yes, sir.

[♪♪♪]

O'ROURKE: That's about the third
one of those tonight. I want you...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MAN: All right.

All right, men. Knock it off.

Hold it down. Hold it
down for the sergeant.

Ah, thanks, Duffy.
Well, hit it, Dobbs.

[PLAYS "CALL TO
THE POST" OFF-KEY]

That's enough.

All right, now, men,
we've gathered here

for a very special occasion.

We've come to say
goodbye to the old man.

[MEN CHEERING]

You, sir.

Now, I'm sure that I speak
for every man in this troop

when I say it's been a honor
and a privilege to serve under him.

And I now propose a toast

to the finest commanding
officer in the U.S. cavalry.

Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!

Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!

Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!

Thank you. Thank you, men.

Now, I'd like to
propose a toast.

Will you all join me in
drinking to Corporal Agarn

on the happy
occasion of his marriage

to Wrangler Jane?

To Corporal Agarn?

Well, he was here a minute ago.

There he is, sir.

[SMASH]

Agarn!

We're toasting you.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

ALL: ♪ For he's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good Fellow-www ♪

Corporal?

♪ That nobody can deny ♪

Captain.

O'ROURKE: All
right, that's enough.

Corporal Agarn.

Yes, captain?

You were kissing that girl.

Well, as long as our lips
were that close together,

it was the only
thing to do, sir.

You're getting
married in the morning.

Just get me to
the church on time.

Corporal Agarn,

I don't believe you're
serious about this at all.

I've never been more
serious in my life.

Corporal Agarn, I
want to talk to you.

[MUFFLED] Just
a minute, captain.

What is it, captain?

How can you behave this way
when you're in love with Jane?

Who said I'm in love with Jane?

Well, you're going to
marry her, aren't you?

Well, who wouldn't
want to marry a girl

who's got the best
trading post in the territory

and whose father
owns 10,000 acres

crawling with fat cows.

You mean you're marrying
Jane for her money?

You don't think I'm marrying her

for her fried chicken
and... apple pie, do you?

Corporal Agarn, you're a cad.

Captain, you are
absolutely right,

and if I were you,
I'd go right over

and tell Jane about
it this very minute.

JANE: Never you mind.

Wilton, you don't have
to tell me anything.

Jane.

Jane, I forbid you
to marry that man.

Wilton...

I don't want to hear
another word about it.

But, Wilton, I just want
to tell you someth...

I don't want to
hear another word.

He's not good enough for you.

He just wants to marry
you so he can live off you

and your fat father's
cows. My what?

I mean, your father's fat cows.

Wilton, my father
ain't got any fat cows,

and Agarn never
intended to marry me.

He didn't? No.

He and Sergeant O'Rourke
were trying to play Cupid.

They were what?

Now, don't go blaming them
'cause I was part of it too.

But it didn't work, and I'm glad

'cause that's not the
way I want to get my man.

[♪♪♪]

Goodbye, Wilton.

Good luck on your new post.

Uh, Jane.

Uh...

I don't think I'll be needing
these transfer papers anymore.

Oh, Wilton.

You're wonderful. Well...

Say, it's such a nice night.

How would you like to
go picking wild flowers?

You were great.

Thanks, sarge.

[CHUCKLES]

The game is over, corporal.

[WHIMPERING]

[♪♪♪]

Where you been?

Buying rubbing alcohol
for the grand opening

of the steam room.

Rubbing alcohol.

What do you think we
serve in the saloon?

Sarge, I gotta hand it to you.

When it comes
to business, you...

N-n... Oh, no.
What's the matter?

I was testing the
boiler in the steam room

and forgot to turn it off.

What? Come on.

[AIR HISSING]

[♪♪♪]

AGARN: What do we do now, sarge?

Go up to Wild Eagle's
and have a steam.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]