F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 20 - Go for Broke - full transcript
Jane's cousin helps O'Rourke replace the F Troop pension fund by entering a poker game.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[PLAYING BUGLE OFF-KEY]
Ten-hut!
Aren't you one of us, Duddleson?
Salute with your right
hand, not your left!
Sorry about that, but I
always did have trouble
telling my right from my left.
I can tell that by
looking at your boots.
Oh, corporal. Captain.
I just got word that
the inspector general
is on his way here to check
on F Troop's pension fund.
I hope Sergeant O'Rourke
will be ready with a full report.
He will be, sir.
He's balancing
the books right now.
I'll see you for 110,
and 110, I raise.
Well, I'll see that.
And I'll raise you
another...$200.
I have two pair, and
they're all queens.
I always did have
luck with the ladies.
Well, these three fives...
How's it going?
Hey. Great. Great.
Listen...
you gotta go get me
some more money.
You mean you're losing?
The captain's been
asking about ya.
He's been asking
about the pension fund.
And now when he finds out
there's gambling... Oh, sarge!
Go to the troop.
They must have some
money stashed some place.
Three dollars and 85 cents.
Is that all you guys can raise?
I'd have had more, but
I got to shooting dice
with Sergeant O'Rourke.
How about you, Vanderbilt.
You always got money.
I just mailed mine to the bank.
I'm saving up to
buy a telescope.
You what?!
Sergeant O'Rourke playing
his heart out in a poker game
in that saloon for
the glory of F Troop,
and all you can think
about is yourself?
Oh, for shame.
How about you, Dobbs?
Oh, I gave all my money
to Sergeant O'Rourke
for them Indian blankets.
Genuine Indian blankets!
A hundred percent wool.
Ten-percent wool,
90-percent cotton.
I know, we make 'em.
Now, chief, why don't
you buy 'em back?
It's gonna be a cold winter.
Snuggle up nice and warm.
Oh, stop sales talk.
Sleeping on an Indian blanket...
BOTH: Like sleeping
on a sheep's tummy.
Where you think that come from?
You make it up?
No.
We make it up.
Wild Eagle, I'm
gonna level with ya.
How about a loan?
For sick grandmother have
tonsils out in Kansas City?
We make that one up too.
Chief, you gotta have heart!
You know what a great
card player the sarge is, right?
You give him a
couple of dollars,
he'll win a fortune for us!
Your face will be on
every nickel in the country.
Old Indian saying:
"Man who gamble with few dollars
always wind up on
short end of buffalo horn."
He's playing with Dapper
Dan, and he' a very easy mark.
New Indian saying:
"Man who play with fire,
have better chance than man
who play with Dapper Dan."
Why you think Indians
always ride bareback?
Dapper Dan win all the saddles.
Go sell blankets someplace else.
AGARN: Genuine Indian
blankets. A hundred percent wool.
Ten percent wool
and 90 percent cotton.
I know, I bought a
dozen from O'Rourke.
How about you, sir?
Looks like it's gonna
be a long, cold winter.
He don't need 'em.
This here's my cousin Henry.
Just come out to help
me for a few weeks.
Corporal Agarn, Henry Terkel.
Hi, pal.
I gotta get my hands on
some money, Wrangler.
This is an emergency.
It ain't your grandma
with the tonsils
back in Kansas
City again, is it?
That was a deep cut, Wrangler.
This is a real emergency.
I gotta get some money, fast!
Corporal, I beg your pardon.
Perhaps I could
be of assistance?
That'd be great.
We'll pay you back tomorrow.
You're too kind, sir.
What's that?
That's a little
invention of mine.
It's called a talk-a-box.
You talk into the little box,
and someone else talks into
another box from far away.
And you can hear each other.
As a matter of fact,
I have several of these
set up in some of the stores.
I have one over
at the livery stable,
I have one over in the saloon...
Let me get this straight.
You're gonna talk
into this oatmeal box,
and somebody's gonna
hear you at the livery stable?
Yes.
I suppose the guy
at the livery stable,
he's got an oatmeal
box too, huh?
That's right.
You mean he's standing around
listening to an oatmeal box?
Yes, and you can
make a lot of money
with this little invention too.
See, you charge people
every time they
talk to each other.
You're gonna charge people
for talking to each other?
Yes.
You see the way it works,
your voice goes into
the little box here,
then it comes out, and it
jumps along this little wire,
and it runs along the wire
until it gets to the other box.
And then it jumps
out of the other box
into the fella's ear.
Jumps off of the
wire into your ear?
Yes.
Why don't you just tear
the wires out of the boxes
and make yourself a
nice bowl of oatmeal.
I hate to tell you
this, Wrangler,
but I think your cousin's
flipped his wheat cakes.
Why don't you watch
where you're going?
Captain!
Are you all right, captain?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
You see, I'm fine.
I'm still looking for
Sergeant O'Rourke, though.
You know the
inspector general's due
first thing in the morning
to pick up the pension fund.
And I haven't seen
the sergeant all day.
He's down at the
post office, captain,
mailing a letter.
Oh, no.
I hope it's not his grandmother
in Kansas City again.
Yes, that's just... It is her.
Her tonsils are
kicking up again.
Oh, I'm sorry to
hear that, corporal.
Say, you don't have
her address, do you?
I'd like to send
her a get-well card.
Well, sir, the sarge
has already sent her
a dozen roses in your name, sir.
Oh, really?
Oh, he's all heart, isn't he?
Yes, sir. He's all heart.
Well, I'll look for
him in the post office.
Uh, if you don't
see him there, you...
You might try the
blacksmith's shop
and maybe the general store.
Oh, good. Thank you, corporal.
Oh, incidentally, where are
you going with all the blankets?
Sergeant O'Rourke, sir.
He told me to get
them for the men.
It gets mighty cold these
nights in the barracks, sir.
Oh, really? Yes, sir.
Now, that's... That's good
cavalry thinking, corporal.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
You can always
depend on the sergeant
to do the right thing
for the men, sir.
I lost the pension fund.
You lost the pension fund!
Don't worry. I'll get it back.
How much money
did you raise for me?
A grand total of $6 and 85 cents
plus an IOU for $10 from Duffy.
That's one chip.
One chip. What will you do?
Sergeant, shall we
play a little penny ante
while your friend's out
looking for some real money?
All right.
I'll bet the saloon.
You lost that an hour ago.
Oh, yeah. So I did.
All right then, the
silver-plated saddle.
Go ask Jane.
Tell her it's not only for me
but for the captain as well.
Captain's not in the game.
Yes, he is.
I just lost the pension
fund, remember?
The pension fund.
Play slowly.
Slowly.
That way you won't lose so fast.
Slowly.
It's not just for
Sergeant O'Rourke.
Think of F Troop,
no pension fund.
Well, I don't know.
Daddy always told me
there ain't no such
thing as easy money.
Besides that, I
don't like gambling.
It's more than
gambling now, Wrangler.
Think of the captain.
He'll lose face.
He might even lose... his bars.
Pardon me, corporal.
Perhaps I can be of assistance?
Another oatmeal box?
No, no, no, no.
Here is another one of my
moneymaking inventions.
Now, they call it a hear-a-box,
and I'll show you how it works.
First of all, you push
this little button right here.
Now, you sit on your
bicycle, and you start pedaling.
That's where you get your power.
Wrangler, I don't
know about him.
Now, let's say there's
some fella in Cincinnati
playing the violin.
Let's say that.
Now, the music floats through
the air over these sound waves,
and it comes out right here.
You mean, you pedal a bike,
and you can hear a guy
playing fiddle in Cincinnati?
Oh, these waves transmit
any sorts of sounds.
It might be a symphony
orchestra from Cleveland.
Oh, you left Cincinnati,
now you're in Cleveland.
Now, if it's money you
want, here is your answer.
You see, you make people
pay to hear the music.
Oh, when I want music,
I buy the piano
player a beer, and he...
plays any song I want.
Listen, I wouldn't tell anybody
about this if I were you.
You're gonna get into trouble.
They're gonna put you away.
Wrangler, you gotta do it.
Let us have some money.
I'll tell you what.
I'll go to that game myself
'cause I gotta see
what's going on.
I don't trust this here
gambling business.
[SMOOCH]
Bless you, wrangler. Let's go.
Can I go along with ya?
I know a little bit about that.
Oh, no. You stay here.
Play with your oatmeal
boxes, pedal your bicycle.
And ask that guy in Cincinnati
to play "Oh! Susanna."
Would you do that?
[HUMMING "OH! SUSANNA"]
How do you do? I'm
Captain Parmenter.
Well, how do you do, captain?
I'm Henry Terkel,
Janie's cousin.
Oh, I'm glad to meet you.
What you have here, Mr. Terkel?
Oh, this is a little
invention of mine.
I dabble in inventions.
Uh-huh. And what is that?
It's a table.
You fold it up and
put it in the closet.
Then when you need it,
you take it out
and you set it up.
You, uh, want to keep
a table in the closet?
Why not?
Well, you know, most
people who have a table,
they like to set it up right
in the middle of a room.
Well, this is an extra
table, don't you see?
When friends come over,
if you wanna play cards.
You get... I have
some cards right here.
By the way, do you
play cards, captain?
Well, I have played some hearts.
Oh, well, that's
nice. I've played...
Would you mind picking up
that three of diamonds
for me, please?
Well, that's face down.
How do you know it's a three?
It has to be a three, captain,
because I looked when
I riffled through the deck
and the three was the
17th card in the deck.
And it was right next
to the eight of hearts
which was the 16th
card in the deck.
The 15th was the six of clubs.
The 14th was the...
You remember cards just
by looking at them fast?
I never forget a card.
Or a name. Or a face.
Well... Oh, that reminds me.
Have you seen Sergeant O'Rourke?
I haven't met him.
Oh, well, where's Jane?
She's over at the
saloon playing cards.
She's what?
She and Corporal Agarn
went to the card game.
They're at the card game
with Sergeant O'Rourke
and Dapper Dan.
You see, I never forget a name.
Jane and Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn, gambling?
With Dapper Dan?
Gambling is absolutely
forbidden in this territory.
Dobbs.
Face the saloon
and blow "Assembly."
Uh, face the saloon,
sir, and blow "Assembly"?
Yes, I want everybody
out of that saloon.
Begging the
captain's pardon, sir,
but don't we have enough
drunks in F Troop already?
Well... Never mind that, Dobbs,
just face the saloon
and blow "Assembly."
I want them all out of there.
Begging the captain's
pardon again, sir,
but long as I'm
facing the saloon,
shouldn't I blow "Drink To
Me Only With Thine Eyes"?
Never mind, just go inside there
and tell Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn
to report to me in
my office immediately.
Well, I'm even luckier than ever
when there's a lovely
lady like you around.
Oh, really?
All right, come on, Agarn.
What do you got to put up?
This is a solid-gold
belt buckle.
Mother gave it to me when
I graduated the fourth grade.
Oh. Forgive me, Mother.
Mother would be proud of
you. It's for a worthy cause.
DOBBS: Uh, Corporal
Agarn, Sergeant O'Rourke,
Captain Parmenter wants to
see you in his office right away.
On the double.
Don't... Don't go
away. I'll be back.
Sergeant, I am ashamed of you.
Ashamed.
This is no way to set a
proper example for your men.
This gambling has
to stop right now.
And I want Dapper
Dan out of town.
Well, that may be a little
difficult to arrange, sir.
[MUTTERS] Yeah, now
that he owns most of the town.
What's that, corporal?
I said... he's the
toast of the town, sir.
I don't care.
I don't care if he is
the toast of the town.
I want him out of
here tomorrow morning
before the inspector
general arrives.
He's coming here to pick up
the pension fund... That's $2000.
And I expect you in my
office with the money at 9:30.
Dismissed.
Well, sarge, what do we do?
I don't know, but I'll
think of something.
I got it. What?
The captain wants
the money by 9:30?
Right. We leave town at 9.
Ah. For desertion
you get 20 years.
So what?
For embezzling army
funds, you get 25.
I just saved us five years.
What are you doing here, Henry?
I thought if you still needed
money, I got another idea.
Please, Henry, not now.
But... But this is it. I
call it my wagon mobile.
It's like a horse and buggy.
Where do you hook up the horse?
You don't use a horse.
It runs on liquid,
like oil and kerosene.
You're gonna give
kerosene to a horse?
No, no, no.
You put the oil in the gadget,
and that makes
the wheels go round.
You put oil in the buggy,
and you'll wind up with
four slippery wheels.
But I thought...
Shh, shh. The sarge
is concentrating.
One.
No. That was a mistake.
Why?
Well, he's drawing to...
He's drawing to a straight,
and he shouldn't
be drawing to a flush.
His chances of making a
straight are 23-1, a flush 7-1.
Besides that, I
watched him shuffle.
His next card will
be the nine of clubs,
and the card he needs is
two cards from the bottom.
Jack of hearts.
How do you know all that?
Oh, I have a knack.
I remember things
like names, faces.
I even remember the names
of the kids I went to school with.
There was a Felicia Abernethy.
There was Homer Abercrombie.
Leroy Crowell...
He was a funny kid.
He used to do his
homework on butcher paper.
And his long underwear
was always damp at the wrists.
Never mind. Go on outside.
I wanna talk to you.
I'll be back in a minute, sarge.
I think I got something here.
Play slowly.
That way you won't lose so fast.
Henry, tell me,
confidentially...
did you ever play cards?
I do not gamble.
I do not drink, I do
not pursue women.
You know what I like to do?
I like to collect
seashells. I listen to them.
They tell me things.
Henry, you missed out.
Do you realize how much
money you could make
playing cards with your brains?
Wouldn't you like
to do something
for the men in uniform?
For the what?
Don't you realize while
you're safe at home
listening to your seashells,
the men of F Troop
are protecting you,
standing guard against
the bloodthirsty redskin?
I think that's nice of them.
Nice of them?
The least you could do
is get in that card game
and help the sarge save
the pension fund for the men.
But I do not gamble.
Don't you realize we've lost all
the money in the pension fund
in that card game?
Corporal Agarn, reporting
for court-martial, sir.
Did I hear you say
that Sergeant O'Rourke
has lost the pension
fund to Dapper Dan?
Well, if all you're
interested in is fact, sir.
I thought so. I knew
they wouldn't stop.
We could win, sir. We
could get it all back.
Henry here is a wiz at cards.
I told you corporal, as long
as I am military governor
of this territory, there
will be no gambling.
With Henry, it isn't
gambling. It's a sure thing.
We gotta get somebody
into that game.
That game will end in a moment.
I'm going in there and stop it.
Oh, captain, you can't!
We can't stop now. We're losing.
How are you gonna
tell the inspector general
we ain't got the $2000?
What are you gonna tell him?
Well, I'll just tell
him that we... Uh...
We... are in a little
trouble here, aren't we?
He's beaten O'Rourke.
He won't play with me.
Somebody's gotta get up
to that table who's a big shot.
Famous gambler.
Somebody who'd be kind
of like a challenge to him.
I know.
Beauregard Clayton,
Mississippi riverboat gambler.
The fastest
shuffle in the South.
Who is he?
You is he. Me is he?
Captain, if you
go into that game,
make him believe you're
Beauregard Clayton,
and you do what Henry
says, you're gonna win.
Oh, no.
Oh, no. I can't
do that, corporal.
I'm not Beauregard Clayton,
I'm Wilton Parmenter.
Military governor
of this territory.
You're also the old man, sir.
Captain of F Troop who'd
do anything for his men.
You don't wanna see
your brave soldiers
go without their pensions?
Oh, no, of course not, but...
And what of the sergeant, sir?
He was so sure he could
double the money for the troop.
You know how big his heart is.
Oh, gambling with their money.
A mistake, sir, I agree.
But we all had faith in him.
To a man...
Well, now that
you put it that way...
[STATIC SQUEALING]
What's that?
That's my talk-a-box.
It's working again.
Isn't that interesting?
Talk-a-box? Yes.
See it's connected
up to the saloon.
We can hear what they're
saying, but they don't know it.
DAN: Now, O'Rourke will
be back here at the table
in just a few minutes.
You got the new signals, right?
MAN: Yeah, Dan.
If O'Rourke's got two of a kind,
I have the waiter
bring two beers.
Three of a kind, three beers.
Anything higher than that,
he comes with a full tray.
The crook! No
wonder we're losing.
That's cheating.
Let's go get 'em, captain.
I mean, Beauregard.
Yes, corporal,
Beauregard Clayton it is.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Out of my way!
I say, out of my way, here.
If you please, sir.
Make way, here!
I hear there's some
action going on here.
Beauregard Clayton's the
name, poker's my game.
Beauregard Clayton,
richest man in the South.
Biggest gambler this
side the Mississippi.
Move over, boy,
I'll play that hand.
Well, oh, yes, sir, capt...
I mean, uh, Mr. Clayton.
Sorry, I don't have much
of a stake here for ya.
It's all right,
boy, it's all right.
There's plenty of chips
here for everybody.
Shall we raise the
limit, Mr. Clayton?
Most certainly, sir.
Beauregard Clayton plays
high, the limit's the sky.
How about $10 ante,
and jacks are betted open?
That, sir, is purely
music to my ears.
I believe I'll just bet
all these to open.
And I'll trouble you
for one card, sir.
I'll say, uh, $250.
Is that any good?
Are you questioning me, sir?
Perhaps you didn't
catch my name.
I'll throw it again.
Beauregard Clayton, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Well, are you gonna
cover my bet, sir?
All right. All right, all right.
I got a straight.
Oh, my.
And all I got is two,
three, four, five, jack.
But... they are all
the same color, sir.
That's a flush.
I believe that beats a straight.
[PIANO PLAYING CHEERFUL MELODY]
Well, have you had enough, sir,
or shall we now play for
your horse and your cane?
I could use an extra cane.
[ALL LAUGHING]
That does it. I'm through.
May I assist you, sir?
Dapper Dan, here's a
little traveling money,
so you may leave this fair city.
Beauregard Clayton
don't like to see no sore
losers hanging around.
Ah, Captain, you were terrific!
We got our pension
fund back and a lot more.
[NORMAL VOICE] Well, I told ya.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Clayton's
my name, and poker's my game.
Parmenter's your name,
and kissing's your game.
Well, there she is.
I certainly wanna
thank all you folks.
It was certainly
very kind of you
to invest all your winnings
in my new invention.
Why, you don't have to thank us,
after all, look
what you did for us.
We know a genius
when we see one.
Ah, the sarge always knows.
We'll get our money
back 10 times over.
That's right, Henry.
It's a wonderful idea.
Just think, sergeant. No horses.
Here we go. Here she is.
Beauty, eh?
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
But you know what, my talk-a-box
and my hear-a-box
are a little bit of...
Well, now, don't
worry about that junk.
This wagon mobile
is more practical.
We'll make a fortune. Right.
Just think, from here to Dodge
in a matter of a few hours.
Yeah, think about that.
Put the luggage in right here.
There we go.
Don't forget to wire
us when you get there.
We'll be waiting
for the good news.
I wish I had got some
new luggage... Ah!
So long, you guys.
All set? All set.
Hey.
All right, come on. All
you guys out of here.
Come on now, move back.
O'ROURKE: That's right.
Give him some room there.
All set.
That way to Dodge City.
Hang on. So long.
[LAUGHS]
[WHISTLES BLOWING,
ENGINE RUMBLES]
Well, sarge...
looks like we're back
in the blanket business.
O'ROURKE: Hup! Hup!
There we go.
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[PLAYING BUGLE OFF-KEY]
Ten-hut!
Aren't you one of us, Duddleson?
Salute with your right
hand, not your left!
Sorry about that, but I
always did have trouble
telling my right from my left.
I can tell that by
looking at your boots.
Oh, corporal. Captain.
I just got word that
the inspector general
is on his way here to check
on F Troop's pension fund.
I hope Sergeant O'Rourke
will be ready with a full report.
He will be, sir.
He's balancing
the books right now.
I'll see you for 110,
and 110, I raise.
Well, I'll see that.
And I'll raise you
another...$200.
I have two pair, and
they're all queens.
I always did have
luck with the ladies.
Well, these three fives...
How's it going?
Hey. Great. Great.
Listen...
you gotta go get me
some more money.
You mean you're losing?
The captain's been
asking about ya.
He's been asking
about the pension fund.
And now when he finds out
there's gambling... Oh, sarge!
Go to the troop.
They must have some
money stashed some place.
Three dollars and 85 cents.
Is that all you guys can raise?
I'd have had more, but
I got to shooting dice
with Sergeant O'Rourke.
How about you, Vanderbilt.
You always got money.
I just mailed mine to the bank.
I'm saving up to
buy a telescope.
You what?!
Sergeant O'Rourke playing
his heart out in a poker game
in that saloon for
the glory of F Troop,
and all you can think
about is yourself?
Oh, for shame.
How about you, Dobbs?
Oh, I gave all my money
to Sergeant O'Rourke
for them Indian blankets.
Genuine Indian blankets!
A hundred percent wool.
Ten-percent wool,
90-percent cotton.
I know, we make 'em.
Now, chief, why don't
you buy 'em back?
It's gonna be a cold winter.
Snuggle up nice and warm.
Oh, stop sales talk.
Sleeping on an Indian blanket...
BOTH: Like sleeping
on a sheep's tummy.
Where you think that come from?
You make it up?
No.
We make it up.
Wild Eagle, I'm
gonna level with ya.
How about a loan?
For sick grandmother have
tonsils out in Kansas City?
We make that one up too.
Chief, you gotta have heart!
You know what a great
card player the sarge is, right?
You give him a
couple of dollars,
he'll win a fortune for us!
Your face will be on
every nickel in the country.
Old Indian saying:
"Man who gamble with few dollars
always wind up on
short end of buffalo horn."
He's playing with Dapper
Dan, and he' a very easy mark.
New Indian saying:
"Man who play with fire,
have better chance than man
who play with Dapper Dan."
Why you think Indians
always ride bareback?
Dapper Dan win all the saddles.
Go sell blankets someplace else.
AGARN: Genuine Indian
blankets. A hundred percent wool.
Ten percent wool
and 90 percent cotton.
I know, I bought a
dozen from O'Rourke.
How about you, sir?
Looks like it's gonna
be a long, cold winter.
He don't need 'em.
This here's my cousin Henry.
Just come out to help
me for a few weeks.
Corporal Agarn, Henry Terkel.
Hi, pal.
I gotta get my hands on
some money, Wrangler.
This is an emergency.
It ain't your grandma
with the tonsils
back in Kansas
City again, is it?
That was a deep cut, Wrangler.
This is a real emergency.
I gotta get some money, fast!
Corporal, I beg your pardon.
Perhaps I could
be of assistance?
That'd be great.
We'll pay you back tomorrow.
You're too kind, sir.
What's that?
That's a little
invention of mine.
It's called a talk-a-box.
You talk into the little box,
and someone else talks into
another box from far away.
And you can hear each other.
As a matter of fact,
I have several of these
set up in some of the stores.
I have one over
at the livery stable,
I have one over in the saloon...
Let me get this straight.
You're gonna talk
into this oatmeal box,
and somebody's gonna
hear you at the livery stable?
Yes.
I suppose the guy
at the livery stable,
he's got an oatmeal
box too, huh?
That's right.
You mean he's standing around
listening to an oatmeal box?
Yes, and you can
make a lot of money
with this little invention too.
See, you charge people
every time they
talk to each other.
You're gonna charge people
for talking to each other?
Yes.
You see the way it works,
your voice goes into
the little box here,
then it comes out, and it
jumps along this little wire,
and it runs along the wire
until it gets to the other box.
And then it jumps
out of the other box
into the fella's ear.
Jumps off of the
wire into your ear?
Yes.
Why don't you just tear
the wires out of the boxes
and make yourself a
nice bowl of oatmeal.
I hate to tell you
this, Wrangler,
but I think your cousin's
flipped his wheat cakes.
Why don't you watch
where you're going?
Captain!
Are you all right, captain?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
You see, I'm fine.
I'm still looking for
Sergeant O'Rourke, though.
You know the
inspector general's due
first thing in the morning
to pick up the pension fund.
And I haven't seen
the sergeant all day.
He's down at the
post office, captain,
mailing a letter.
Oh, no.
I hope it's not his grandmother
in Kansas City again.
Yes, that's just... It is her.
Her tonsils are
kicking up again.
Oh, I'm sorry to
hear that, corporal.
Say, you don't have
her address, do you?
I'd like to send
her a get-well card.
Well, sir, the sarge
has already sent her
a dozen roses in your name, sir.
Oh, really?
Oh, he's all heart, isn't he?
Yes, sir. He's all heart.
Well, I'll look for
him in the post office.
Uh, if you don't
see him there, you...
You might try the
blacksmith's shop
and maybe the general store.
Oh, good. Thank you, corporal.
Oh, incidentally, where are
you going with all the blankets?
Sergeant O'Rourke, sir.
He told me to get
them for the men.
It gets mighty cold these
nights in the barracks, sir.
Oh, really? Yes, sir.
Now, that's... That's good
cavalry thinking, corporal.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
You can always
depend on the sergeant
to do the right thing
for the men, sir.
I lost the pension fund.
You lost the pension fund!
Don't worry. I'll get it back.
How much money
did you raise for me?
A grand total of $6 and 85 cents
plus an IOU for $10 from Duffy.
That's one chip.
One chip. What will you do?
Sergeant, shall we
play a little penny ante
while your friend's out
looking for some real money?
All right.
I'll bet the saloon.
You lost that an hour ago.
Oh, yeah. So I did.
All right then, the
silver-plated saddle.
Go ask Jane.
Tell her it's not only for me
but for the captain as well.
Captain's not in the game.
Yes, he is.
I just lost the pension
fund, remember?
The pension fund.
Play slowly.
Slowly.
That way you won't lose so fast.
Slowly.
It's not just for
Sergeant O'Rourke.
Think of F Troop,
no pension fund.
Well, I don't know.
Daddy always told me
there ain't no such
thing as easy money.
Besides that, I
don't like gambling.
It's more than
gambling now, Wrangler.
Think of the captain.
He'll lose face.
He might even lose... his bars.
Pardon me, corporal.
Perhaps I can be of assistance?
Another oatmeal box?
No, no, no, no.
Here is another one of my
moneymaking inventions.
Now, they call it a hear-a-box,
and I'll show you how it works.
First of all, you push
this little button right here.
Now, you sit on your
bicycle, and you start pedaling.
That's where you get your power.
Wrangler, I don't
know about him.
Now, let's say there's
some fella in Cincinnati
playing the violin.
Let's say that.
Now, the music floats through
the air over these sound waves,
and it comes out right here.
You mean, you pedal a bike,
and you can hear a guy
playing fiddle in Cincinnati?
Oh, these waves transmit
any sorts of sounds.
It might be a symphony
orchestra from Cleveland.
Oh, you left Cincinnati,
now you're in Cleveland.
Now, if it's money you
want, here is your answer.
You see, you make people
pay to hear the music.
Oh, when I want music,
I buy the piano
player a beer, and he...
plays any song I want.
Listen, I wouldn't tell anybody
about this if I were you.
You're gonna get into trouble.
They're gonna put you away.
Wrangler, you gotta do it.
Let us have some money.
I'll tell you what.
I'll go to that game myself
'cause I gotta see
what's going on.
I don't trust this here
gambling business.
[SMOOCH]
Bless you, wrangler. Let's go.
Can I go along with ya?
I know a little bit about that.
Oh, no. You stay here.
Play with your oatmeal
boxes, pedal your bicycle.
And ask that guy in Cincinnati
to play "Oh! Susanna."
Would you do that?
[HUMMING "OH! SUSANNA"]
How do you do? I'm
Captain Parmenter.
Well, how do you do, captain?
I'm Henry Terkel,
Janie's cousin.
Oh, I'm glad to meet you.
What you have here, Mr. Terkel?
Oh, this is a little
invention of mine.
I dabble in inventions.
Uh-huh. And what is that?
It's a table.
You fold it up and
put it in the closet.
Then when you need it,
you take it out
and you set it up.
You, uh, want to keep
a table in the closet?
Why not?
Well, you know, most
people who have a table,
they like to set it up right
in the middle of a room.
Well, this is an extra
table, don't you see?
When friends come over,
if you wanna play cards.
You get... I have
some cards right here.
By the way, do you
play cards, captain?
Well, I have played some hearts.
Oh, well, that's
nice. I've played...
Would you mind picking up
that three of diamonds
for me, please?
Well, that's face down.
How do you know it's a three?
It has to be a three, captain,
because I looked when
I riffled through the deck
and the three was the
17th card in the deck.
And it was right next
to the eight of hearts
which was the 16th
card in the deck.
The 15th was the six of clubs.
The 14th was the...
You remember cards just
by looking at them fast?
I never forget a card.
Or a name. Or a face.
Well... Oh, that reminds me.
Have you seen Sergeant O'Rourke?
I haven't met him.
Oh, well, where's Jane?
She's over at the
saloon playing cards.
She's what?
She and Corporal Agarn
went to the card game.
They're at the card game
with Sergeant O'Rourke
and Dapper Dan.
You see, I never forget a name.
Jane and Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn, gambling?
With Dapper Dan?
Gambling is absolutely
forbidden in this territory.
Dobbs.
Face the saloon
and blow "Assembly."
Uh, face the saloon,
sir, and blow "Assembly"?
Yes, I want everybody
out of that saloon.
Begging the
captain's pardon, sir,
but don't we have enough
drunks in F Troop already?
Well... Never mind that, Dobbs,
just face the saloon
and blow "Assembly."
I want them all out of there.
Begging the captain's
pardon again, sir,
but long as I'm
facing the saloon,
shouldn't I blow "Drink To
Me Only With Thine Eyes"?
Never mind, just go inside there
and tell Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn
to report to me in
my office immediately.
Well, I'm even luckier than ever
when there's a lovely
lady like you around.
Oh, really?
All right, come on, Agarn.
What do you got to put up?
This is a solid-gold
belt buckle.
Mother gave it to me when
I graduated the fourth grade.
Oh. Forgive me, Mother.
Mother would be proud of
you. It's for a worthy cause.
DOBBS: Uh, Corporal
Agarn, Sergeant O'Rourke,
Captain Parmenter wants to
see you in his office right away.
On the double.
Don't... Don't go
away. I'll be back.
Sergeant, I am ashamed of you.
Ashamed.
This is no way to set a
proper example for your men.
This gambling has
to stop right now.
And I want Dapper
Dan out of town.
Well, that may be a little
difficult to arrange, sir.
[MUTTERS] Yeah, now
that he owns most of the town.
What's that, corporal?
I said... he's the
toast of the town, sir.
I don't care.
I don't care if he is
the toast of the town.
I want him out of
here tomorrow morning
before the inspector
general arrives.
He's coming here to pick up
the pension fund... That's $2000.
And I expect you in my
office with the money at 9:30.
Dismissed.
Well, sarge, what do we do?
I don't know, but I'll
think of something.
I got it. What?
The captain wants
the money by 9:30?
Right. We leave town at 9.
Ah. For desertion
you get 20 years.
So what?
For embezzling army
funds, you get 25.
I just saved us five years.
What are you doing here, Henry?
I thought if you still needed
money, I got another idea.
Please, Henry, not now.
But... But this is it. I
call it my wagon mobile.
It's like a horse and buggy.
Where do you hook up the horse?
You don't use a horse.
It runs on liquid,
like oil and kerosene.
You're gonna give
kerosene to a horse?
No, no, no.
You put the oil in the gadget,
and that makes
the wheels go round.
You put oil in the buggy,
and you'll wind up with
four slippery wheels.
But I thought...
Shh, shh. The sarge
is concentrating.
One.
No. That was a mistake.
Why?
Well, he's drawing to...
He's drawing to a straight,
and he shouldn't
be drawing to a flush.
His chances of making a
straight are 23-1, a flush 7-1.
Besides that, I
watched him shuffle.
His next card will
be the nine of clubs,
and the card he needs is
two cards from the bottom.
Jack of hearts.
How do you know all that?
Oh, I have a knack.
I remember things
like names, faces.
I even remember the names
of the kids I went to school with.
There was a Felicia Abernethy.
There was Homer Abercrombie.
Leroy Crowell...
He was a funny kid.
He used to do his
homework on butcher paper.
And his long underwear
was always damp at the wrists.
Never mind. Go on outside.
I wanna talk to you.
I'll be back in a minute, sarge.
I think I got something here.
Play slowly.
That way you won't lose so fast.
Henry, tell me,
confidentially...
did you ever play cards?
I do not gamble.
I do not drink, I do
not pursue women.
You know what I like to do?
I like to collect
seashells. I listen to them.
They tell me things.
Henry, you missed out.
Do you realize how much
money you could make
playing cards with your brains?
Wouldn't you like
to do something
for the men in uniform?
For the what?
Don't you realize while
you're safe at home
listening to your seashells,
the men of F Troop
are protecting you,
standing guard against
the bloodthirsty redskin?
I think that's nice of them.
Nice of them?
The least you could do
is get in that card game
and help the sarge save
the pension fund for the men.
But I do not gamble.
Don't you realize we've lost all
the money in the pension fund
in that card game?
Corporal Agarn, reporting
for court-martial, sir.
Did I hear you say
that Sergeant O'Rourke
has lost the pension
fund to Dapper Dan?
Well, if all you're
interested in is fact, sir.
I thought so. I knew
they wouldn't stop.
We could win, sir. We
could get it all back.
Henry here is a wiz at cards.
I told you corporal, as long
as I am military governor
of this territory, there
will be no gambling.
With Henry, it isn't
gambling. It's a sure thing.
We gotta get somebody
into that game.
That game will end in a moment.
I'm going in there and stop it.
Oh, captain, you can't!
We can't stop now. We're losing.
How are you gonna
tell the inspector general
we ain't got the $2000?
What are you gonna tell him?
Well, I'll just tell
him that we... Uh...
We... are in a little
trouble here, aren't we?
He's beaten O'Rourke.
He won't play with me.
Somebody's gotta get up
to that table who's a big shot.
Famous gambler.
Somebody who'd be kind
of like a challenge to him.
I know.
Beauregard Clayton,
Mississippi riverboat gambler.
The fastest
shuffle in the South.
Who is he?
You is he. Me is he?
Captain, if you
go into that game,
make him believe you're
Beauregard Clayton,
and you do what Henry
says, you're gonna win.
Oh, no.
Oh, no. I can't
do that, corporal.
I'm not Beauregard Clayton,
I'm Wilton Parmenter.
Military governor
of this territory.
You're also the old man, sir.
Captain of F Troop who'd
do anything for his men.
You don't wanna see
your brave soldiers
go without their pensions?
Oh, no, of course not, but...
And what of the sergeant, sir?
He was so sure he could
double the money for the troop.
You know how big his heart is.
Oh, gambling with their money.
A mistake, sir, I agree.
But we all had faith in him.
To a man...
Well, now that
you put it that way...
[STATIC SQUEALING]
What's that?
That's my talk-a-box.
It's working again.
Isn't that interesting?
Talk-a-box? Yes.
See it's connected
up to the saloon.
We can hear what they're
saying, but they don't know it.
DAN: Now, O'Rourke will
be back here at the table
in just a few minutes.
You got the new signals, right?
MAN: Yeah, Dan.
If O'Rourke's got two of a kind,
I have the waiter
bring two beers.
Three of a kind, three beers.
Anything higher than that,
he comes with a full tray.
The crook! No
wonder we're losing.
That's cheating.
Let's go get 'em, captain.
I mean, Beauregard.
Yes, corporal,
Beauregard Clayton it is.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Out of my way!
I say, out of my way, here.
If you please, sir.
Make way, here!
I hear there's some
action going on here.
Beauregard Clayton's the
name, poker's my game.
Beauregard Clayton,
richest man in the South.
Biggest gambler this
side the Mississippi.
Move over, boy,
I'll play that hand.
Well, oh, yes, sir, capt...
I mean, uh, Mr. Clayton.
Sorry, I don't have much
of a stake here for ya.
It's all right,
boy, it's all right.
There's plenty of chips
here for everybody.
Shall we raise the
limit, Mr. Clayton?
Most certainly, sir.
Beauregard Clayton plays
high, the limit's the sky.
How about $10 ante,
and jacks are betted open?
That, sir, is purely
music to my ears.
I believe I'll just bet
all these to open.
And I'll trouble you
for one card, sir.
I'll say, uh, $250.
Is that any good?
Are you questioning me, sir?
Perhaps you didn't
catch my name.
I'll throw it again.
Beauregard Clayton, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Well, are you gonna
cover my bet, sir?
All right. All right, all right.
I got a straight.
Oh, my.
And all I got is two,
three, four, five, jack.
But... they are all
the same color, sir.
That's a flush.
I believe that beats a straight.
[PIANO PLAYING CHEERFUL MELODY]
Well, have you had enough, sir,
or shall we now play for
your horse and your cane?
I could use an extra cane.
[ALL LAUGHING]
That does it. I'm through.
May I assist you, sir?
Dapper Dan, here's a
little traveling money,
so you may leave this fair city.
Beauregard Clayton
don't like to see no sore
losers hanging around.
Ah, Captain, you were terrific!
We got our pension
fund back and a lot more.
[NORMAL VOICE] Well, I told ya.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Clayton's
my name, and poker's my game.
Parmenter's your name,
and kissing's your game.
Well, there she is.
I certainly wanna
thank all you folks.
It was certainly
very kind of you
to invest all your winnings
in my new invention.
Why, you don't have to thank us,
after all, look
what you did for us.
We know a genius
when we see one.
Ah, the sarge always knows.
We'll get our money
back 10 times over.
That's right, Henry.
It's a wonderful idea.
Just think, sergeant. No horses.
Here we go. Here she is.
Beauty, eh?
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
But you know what, my talk-a-box
and my hear-a-box
are a little bit of...
Well, now, don't
worry about that junk.
This wagon mobile
is more practical.
We'll make a fortune. Right.
Just think, from here to Dodge
in a matter of a few hours.
Yeah, think about that.
Put the luggage in right here.
There we go.
Don't forget to wire
us when you get there.
We'll be waiting
for the good news.
I wish I had got some
new luggage... Ah!
So long, you guys.
All set? All set.
Hey.
All right, come on. All
you guys out of here.
Come on now, move back.
O'ROURKE: That's right.
Give him some room there.
All set.
That way to Dodge City.
Hang on. So long.
[LAUGHS]
[WHISTLES BLOWING,
ENGINE RUMBLES]
Well, sarge...
looks like we're back
in the blanket business.
O'ROURKE: Hup! Hup!
There we go.
[♪♪♪]