F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 19 - El Diablo - full transcript

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

O'ROURKE: Two, three, four...

Column left... march!

Look alive.

Hup!

Right front end of line. Ho!

One pace forward.



Ho!

Knucklehead.

Back in line!

Where is it?

Over there.

O'ROURKE: All right, at ease.

All right, men.

Now, this morning,

the new medical
officer in the territory

is going to give us
our annual physicals.

And not a moment too soon, sir.

Oh, there's nothing
wrong with you, Agarn.

It's all in your head.

If you haven't
been feeling well,

be sure and tell
that to the doctor.

I've got it all written
down on this list.

Cold chills.

Hot chills. Lukewarm chills.

You've got everything on
there but the black plague.

Keep reading.

Hoof-in-mouth disease?

Yes, sir.

Last week, my horse
put his hoof in my mouth.

If he's got all that
wrong with him,

we don't have to
bother with a doctor, sir.

We can just wrap him in a flag

and give him a military funeral.

You're in luck, Corporal Agarn.

I just learned
how to play "Taps."

I guess I'd be laughing
and making jokes too,

if it wasn't so
close to the end.

Oh, now, corporal,

I'm sure the doctor
is going to find you

in the same perfect
health that I'm in.

Let's go.

Ooh!

Are you all right, captain?

Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I just have a little
pain in my knee.

I've got that on
my list too, captain.

It's right between
appendicitis and gout.

Now.

All right, fall out to the
barracks for inspection.

[♪♪♪]

O'ROURKE: All right, here we go.

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

O'ROURKE: Line up.
Have a little order here.

Good morning,
Lieutenant Anderson.

Ah. Ow.

PARMENTER: That's all right,

I always do that
with my quill pen.

Ah-ah!

Wait your turn, Agarn.

Sarge! Don't you
think he ought to take

the more serious cases first?

O'ROURKE: The captain
is the ranking officer,

and he gets the
first examination.

Any time you're ready, doctor.

I... I say. Uh...

Any time you're ready, doctor.

Any time you're ready, doctor!

Oh, uh... I'm sorry, sir.

I'm... I'm not used to
being called "doctor."

You see, I just graduated
from medical school.

When?

Last week. I'm leaving.

If you don't pull
yourself together,

he'd better have
a cure for a fat lip.

Uh, w-would you
please take your shirt off.

Oh, yeah.

Hm.

I have some very bad
news for you, captain.

Oh? What is it?

Your heart's stopped.

It has?

O'ROURKE: All right, lieutenant.

Uh, the captain here may
just be one of those rare people

whose heart is on the left side.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, uh, yeah.

Yes, of course. Uh,
thank you, sergeant.

Begging the lieutenant's pardon,

I demand to see your diploma.

O'ROURKE: He's
only kidding, lieutenant.

You're certainly in good
physical condition, captain.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you, doctor.

Here, Vanderbilt,
you'd better go next

and have your eyes checked.

Thank you, sarge.

Uh, you see what I mean?

What kind of duty
does this man have?

PARMENTER: He's our lookout.

And we want to make sure

he's got the right
kind of glasses.

ANDERSON: Uh,
would you please read

the top line of the chart?

U... S... A... R... M... Y.

U, S, A, R, M, Y?

You're reading my belt buckle.

How did I do?

Very good,
Vanderbilt. Very good.

Wilton...

I got a letter for you.

Oh. Jane.

Jane, you shouldn't be in here.

But this is from the
War Department,

marked "urgent."

Jane, this is a
little embarrassing.

Captain. I think you'd
better read the letter.

Oh.

Let's see.

What's up?

The famous Mexican
bandit, El Diablo,

was reported
seen in the territory.

Yeah, here's his picture.

Oh, no!

PARMENTER: What's
the matter, corporal?

Do you know what El
Diablo's real name is?

Agarnado.

Agarnado?

So what?

El Diablo is my cousin!

Señor El Diablo. Yo, gringo.

Usted, bandido.

Usted under arresto!

Captain Parmenter.

"Uno" momento.

[CHUCKLES]

That's Spanish for "one moment."

That's what we
come to talk about.

Oh, you want to study Spanish?

No, sir.

I want the captain's
permission to go out

and capture my
cousin, El Diablo.

The dirty rat.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

"El diablo" means "the devil."

"Dirty rat" is, uh...

No, what he means is
that he wants to go out

and capture El
Diablo single-handed.

Oh, no, no.

I couldn't let you
do that, corporal.

Oh, sir, you don't understand.

I've gotta clear
the family name.

Well, now, I certainly
understand your family pride,

but it's much too dangerous
for you to go alone.

Oh, sir, I'm not afraid.

As long as I know El
Diablo's in the territory,

I won't sleep at night.

Ah, well you take a nap
every afternoon anyway.

I-I just don't think you
could capture a bandit

like El Diablo single-handed.

Oh, don't you
worry about that, sir.

He's probably hiding
out with his bandits.

In the hills, in one
of those caves.

They like caves, you know.

And I'll walk in,

go right up to him and say,

"El Diablo, you're in America,

and I arrest you in the name
of the United States Army."

When you get to Mexico,
let us hear from you.

Even if it's only a postcard.

But wouldn't your
relatives be upset with you

if you turned in your
own flesh and blood?

None of the family
ever liked him, sir.

Take Granny Agarn in Passaic.

If you could ask
Granny Agarn in Passaic

what she thought
about cousin, she'd say,

I always said Pancho Agarnado

would never amount
to a hill of beans...

which he kept eatin' all
over my living room rug.

Then you could ask my uncle,
Gaylord Agarn, in Tallahassee.

I tell you, sir. My nephew,
Pancho Agarnado,

is the boll weevil in the
Agarn family cotton bush.

You could even ask
his own sister about him.

My cousin, Carmen.

Poncho is a desgraciado...

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[GRUNTS TWICE]

Don't bother, captain.

You won't find
those words in there.

Now, look, Agarn,

we all know how
your family feels.

But the captain is right.

You can't go after him alone.

Captain, for the
last time, I ask you:

Let me clear the name of
Agarn from Passaic to Chihuahua.

All right, Agarn. You can go.

Captain... But with
the men of F Troop.

But then Sergeant
O'Rourke will be in charge.

No, no, no.

Sergeant O'Rourke and I

will stay behind with
Dobbs to hold the fort,

and you can take the
troop and capture El Diablo.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you for
giving me the chance

to clear the family
name of Agarn.

[WHOOPING, HOLLERING]

Stop already with the shooting!

This not New Year's Eve.

[HOLLERING]

Chief Wild Eagle,
them not celebrating.

They from south of the border.

Down Mexico way?

Bandits.

Bandits.

Who is the chief of this tribe?

He is. He is.

El Diablo did not ride all
the way from Chihuahua

for kidding around.

El Diablo?

WILD EAGLE: The
famous Mexican bandit

who robs banks,
stagecoaches, gold trains,

and who has a $10,000
reward on his head?

I see you have heard of me.

No.

You've come to rob our village?

El Diablo does not rob the poor.

Shake hands with the chief.

Con mucho gusto, jefe.

Chief, him have
very familiar face.

WILD EAGLE: You right.

Where I seen you before?

Must be in the post office.

I hate those pictures.

Bandits always look ten pounds
heavier on reward posters.

[BOTH SNAP]

[IN UNISON] Agarn!

Agarn? Corporal in F Troop

look exactly like you.

Same size, same color eyes,

same nose, very stupid.

He is my cousin.

Smartest soldier at the fort.

Which way is it to Fort Courage?

Go back same trail you came.

Make right turn at big
rock that look like bear.

Then make left turn at
big bear that look like rock.

El Diablo will find it.

You going to visit your
cousin Agarn at the fort?

Sí. And then I rob the bank.

Rob the bank?

Sí. I want to show my cousin

that I am not the failure that
my family thought I would be.

He can then write a
letter to my grandmother

so she'll shut up
about the beans.

And that goes for my
cotton-picking Uncle Gaylord

and that loco sister of mine,

with the rose in her teeth.

Vámonos, muchachos!

We go to rob the bank!

[HOLLERING, GUNSHOTS]

Just my luck.

I'm in business with
the wrong cousin.

[♪♪♪]

Well, boss,

nice seein' somebody
in the saloon today.

Even if you're not
a paying customer.

Yeah, we're not gonna have
any payin' customers around here

for a couple of days.

F Troop is out on an assignment.

What's the matter?

The Hekawis are on a warpath?

Are you kiddin'?

Wild Eagle has to
send out a draft call

to get enough braves
for a rabbit hunt.

Some other tribe
causin' trouble?

Nah, there's a
rumor going around

that one of them Mexican
bandits is in the territory.

Not El Diablo?

Yeah, that's the guy. El Diablo.

[NERVOUS MOAN]

Where you going?

I won't know till I get there.

Wait a minute.

You can't walk out on me

and leave the saloon like this.

Get El Diablo.

I'm sure he makes
a great margarita.

What's the matter
with him, sergeant?

Well, he heard El Diablo
was comin', and he panicked.

Well, he's not the only one.

Once the rumor got around,

folks got out of town faster
than hogs going to a mudhole.

See for yourself, sergeant.

I don't believe it.

Do you mean to tell me
that everybody left town

just because they
heard Diablo was comin'?

No.

They also heard
that Corporal Agarn

was sent out to capture him.

I think from now on, we'd better

keep our orders top-secret.

They've practically
turned Fort Courage

into a ghost town.

Ah, this don't make any sense.

Why would a
bandit like El Diablo

wanna rob a bank in a poor town

like Fort Courage?

I need the practice, señor.

Ah. Now... Now, you...

You stand right where you are.

Uh, Señor El Diablo.

Yo es gringo.

Usted es bandits.

Uh, usted es under arresto.

Uh, well... let me
put it another way.

You don't have to take
that from him, Wilton.

Go ahead. Tell him
what you were gonna say.

Well, I...

I can't say what I
was going to say.

I have a hole in my
verb conjugations.

You're lucky you don't get
a hole in the head, captain.

Take their guns.

All right.

This one is mine.

My name is Felipe.

Felipe.

Here, now. EL DIABLO: Felipe!

You stop that, or
I tell your mother!

I tell ya, I don't believe it.

Spittin' image of Agarn.

Same face, same color eyes,

same nose, same stu... Mm.

Same intelligent look.

Captain, where is my cousin?

Well, he... He's out on
an assignment right now.

As a matter of fact, he's
out lookin' for you. Uh...

Oh, yeah, yeah.
The minute he heard

that you were in the territory,

he wanted to have, like, a...

A family reunion.

In that case,

make yourself
comfortable, my friends.

El Diablo will wait for
his cousin to return.

Oh, no. He may
not be back for days.

El Diablo is in no
hurry to leave, señor.

You mean you're gonna
keep us prisoners here?

No, señorita.

You are going to be my guests.

There is plenty of
food, plenty of whiskey.

We are going to
have a... A fiesta.

That means "party" in Spanish.

Now, look, amigo... Oh!

You speak Spanish.

[SNAPS]

Felipe, some music.

Pedro, you come back
here and be the bartender.

He makes a terrific margarita.

Any request?

Felipe!

Sí, sí, jefe.

Now, wait a minute.

You don't want no
party in this place.

Why not?

Well, the food is terrible,

and the whiskey will kill you.

Señor, you are looking at a man

who drinks straight cactus juice

while it's still in the cactus.

Bartender, I'll have
one of them margaritas,

whatever that is.

No, you won't.

But, Sarge, this is a fiesta.

That's "party" in Spanish.

Well, you're still on duty.

Give the boy a drink!

Give everybody a drink!

I'll have a sarsaparilla.

Make that two.

[STRUMS GUITAR]

Bring it over to them, please.

You... like the music, captain?

Oh, yes.

Yes, he's a very
good guitar player.

Uh... hey.

Dobbs, why don't you, uh...

Why don't you join him.

Make it a real party.

Now you're talking, sergeant.

For a minute I thought you
were going to be a fiesta-pooper.

I can't play that Mexican music.

Why, sure you can.

[QUIETLY] And when
you get in a chance,

put out a call to the troops.

They might be back at the fort.

Well, now,

this is what I
call a real party.

Any time you're
ready, Mr. "Fillippi."

[PLAYS "CALL TO ARMS" BADLY]

[PLAYS FASTER]

One more trick like that,

and he will be
blowing "Taps" for you.

Now, the sergeant was
merely doing his duty.

As captured American soldiers,
we must attempt to escape.

Is that so?

The captain is
very light on his feet.

Dance with the señorita.

I will not.

Please, Wilton. It
ain't gonna hurt none.

No, Jane.

Come on, Wilton, please.

I won't dance, don't ask me.

You better do as El Diablo say.

It's illegal to
dance in this town

till after 6:00.

I will gladly dance
with the señorita.

Felipe.

You'd better do
like he says, captain.

JANE: Come one, Wilton.

Come on.

It ain't gonna hurt anything.

Come on.

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

[CLAPS]

[SNAPS]

[SNAPS, CLAPS]

Olé!

I didn't know I could do that.

Ooh.

♪ La-la-la, La-la-la
Ya-ya-ya-ya ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ya ya-ya ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la La-la-la ♪

♪ La-yaa ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ya ♪

All right. You're all
under arrest for mutiny.

This is no mutiny, Agarn.

We just wanna go home.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

And you're gonna be
court-martialed, Hoffenmueller.

As soon as I find
out what you said.

This whole thing is
a wild goose chase.

We don't even know what
this El Diablo looks like.

Didn't you see the picture?

What picture?

Well, he looks just like me.

Same size, same
color eyes, same nose.

Same stupid look.

All right, Duffy, that's it.

I want volunteers
for a firing squad.

Don't bother.

You forgot the ammunition.

All right, men. Chow call.

You forgot to
bring the food too.

Now, don't panic, men.

We'll be able to
get something to eat

just as soon as I
find out where we are.

Why don't you look
at the map, Agarn?

I put that in with the
food and the ammunition.

You realize that's
the fourth sandwich

and the third beer that
you've had already?

Mr. "Die-ablo" said we
should eat and drink.

I just want to make him happy.

Did you ever stop to think

that while you're
making him happy,

you're breaki" my heart.

PARMENTER: Why is it
breaking your heart, sergeant?

I was just thinking
about poor Pete.

I mean, we're
eati" and drinkin' up

all of his profits.

And there's a man with a
big family to support, and...

Well, you can't expect
us to pay for this.

No, no, no. Wait a minute, Jane.

I agree with Sergeant O'Rourke.

I knew you'd see it my way, sir.

El Diablo.

We've all decided that
the meal should be paid for.

Pay for the meal?

Separate checks, of course.

Uh, Felipe, you had
the ham and cheese.

No, no, no.

I have the liverwurst.

Oh, that's right. Pedro, you had
the ham and cheese. That's it.

And, uh, El Diablo,
you had the roast beef,

heavy on the mustard.

Now, let's see,
without the tip...

El Diablo did not ride

all the way from
Chihuahua just to kid around.

Uh, robbing a bank is one thing,

but taking money away
from a poor saloon keeper,

that's terrible.

El Diablo does not rob the poor.

El Diablo rob the rich
and give to the poor.

El Diablo's what you call, um...

Little Red Riding Hood.

No. That's "Robin Hood."

That's what I am.

Little Red Robin Hood.

Captain, uh...

There's no sense to
break up a nice party

over a little check.

Why don't you
teach me that dance?

No, no, really,
sergeant. I think...

Now, captain.

I always did wanna
learn one of them, uh...

[CLAPS] Mexican dances.

Felipe, música para los gringos.

I'm really not very
good at this, sergeant.

[QUIETLY] It's a decoy.

No, it's not a decoy.
It's flamenco. Sh!

What we'll do is
we'll dance over.

And when I give the
signal, we rush 'em.

[MOUTHS] Okay.

Well, how does it go, captain?

All right.

[PLAYS GUITAR]

[CLAPPING]

[SHOUTS]

Again, you are trying
with the funny business.

We weren't trying
any funny business.

It's just that we never

danced together before.

You cannot make
a fool of Diablo.

The fiesta is over.

Stand up against the wall.

Put your hands up
and stay where you are!

Where are the other soldiers?

I don't know.

I was looking for them myself.

What are you doing
here, lieutenant?

I just came over to show
Corporal Agarn my diploma

from medical school.

You're a doctor?

That's right. He's
our medical officer.

And he doesn't even have a gun.

I demand you let him go.

Never.

An Agarnado never
lets a doctor go.

I think I have a fever.

It's uncanny.

You look just like
Corporal Agarn.

He's my cousin.

It's amazing.

Same size, same
color eyes, same nose.

Same pale look on his face.

I'll bet he's even
got cold chills.

Sí, sí. Cold chills.

PARMENTER: Hot chills?

Sí, sí. Hot chills.

O'ROURKE: Lukewarm chills?

Sí. Lukewarm
chills all the time.

I'll bet he's got the same
thing his cousin Agarn had...

Hoof-in-mouth disease.

Hoof-in-mouth disease?
I shoot my horse.

Uh, wait a minute.

Uh, lieutenant... this
man may be a bandit,

but he is, after
all, a human being.

I demand that you treat him.

[SOBBING] Sí, sí.

I'm a human being.

Treat me, treat me.

In an emergency like this,

you've got to take him
to the fort dispensary.

But, captain... That's an order.

You heard the captain.

That's an order.

Take me to the dispensary.

O'ROURKE: Pedro. Felipe.

Here, pick him up and follow me.

There we go.

Right to this... That's it.

Hey, hey.

There's no sign of anybody.

Captain Parmenter,
Sergeant O'Rourke, Dobbs.

All gone.

With you as our leader,

we could be in the wrong fort.

Oh. [CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

You're just asking for
a court-martial, Duffy.

Vanderbilt, go out and
take a look at the sign.

He can't even find the gate.

Hoffenmueller.

He can't read English.

Oh! Ah, don't worry about
a thing now, El Diablo.

You'll be as good as
new in the morning.

[MOANING]

Look.

All right, here we go.

Right into the dispensary.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Sarge. You captured my cousin.

That was quick
thinking, sergeant.

Ah, there was nothing to it.

Same size, same
color eyes, same nose.

Same stupid look on his face.

[♪♪♪]

Good morning, Pancho.

I'd like to read
you a little letter

I'm writing to Granny
Agarn in Passaic.

I knew you would do
something like that.

You was always
a rotten little kid.

I just wanted to let
granny know she was right.

You gotta face it, Pancho.

You're a loser.

You are right, my cousin.

The whole family was right.

I am not being a...

What is that... mark
under your eye?

I hope it's not serious.

A mark?

Under which eye?

Your right eye.

Is it sort of... red?

Blotchy?

I cannot see too good.

Better come closer.

I still cannot see too good.

Better come inside.

I give it a good look.

Pancho! Take a
good look, please.

Now I see your
eye in the good light.

It was nothing.

Adios, my cousin.

Give my love to granny.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]