F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 18 - Wrongo Starr and the Lady in Black - full transcript
A natural jinx comes to F Troop and gets involved with a black widow who had four husbands.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
[BLOWS]
[POPS]
Uh, you wanted to
see me, sergeant?
Oh, yes, sir. This
just came for you, sir.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Let me see.
Oh, it's about our
new replacement.
He'll be coming in
on the next stage.
We'll meet him, sir, and
give him a briefing, as it were.
Good. His name is
Private Leonard W. Starr.
Did you say "Leonard W. Starr"?
That's what it
says here, corporal.
Wrongo!
"Wrongo"?
Wrongo, sir.
Leonard W. Starr
is Wrongo Starr.
We're getting him,
captain? Wrongo Starr?
Well, what does
that mean, corporal?
Do you know his record, sir?
PARMENTER: No.
He has been with four outfits,
and the luckiest was
with General Custer
at the Little Bighorn.
Captain, I tell you,
this man is bad news.
He is a jinx.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, now, sergeant.
That's ridiculous.
There's no such thing as a jinx.
He used to be in
the Navy, captain.
The first three ships they
put him on went down.
Then they transferred
him to the cavalry.
First day there, his horse died.
That's all coincidence.
A horse could die anytime.
Of chicken pox?
Yeah, though, that's...
That's just a silly rumor.
Captain, that may be,
but I wanna tell you... [CLICKS]
Sergeant, the stage
is due any minute.
I suggest you meet it.
[CRIES OUT]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, hey. Whoa.
What happened?
Darndest thing I ever saw.
One of the stagecoach wheels
fell off coming
outta Kansas City.
Driver got knocked
clear outta the seat.
Are you Wrongo Starr?
Yes, sir.
Well, Wrongo, I am
Sergeant O'Rourke
and this here is Corporal Agarn.
Oh. Hi, fellas.
I'm so happy to meet all of you.
Would one of you kind gentlemen
please help me with my bags?
I'd be delighted, ma'am.
I'm afraid I have
rather a lot of luggage.
I'm planning to open
a knickknack shop
and I brought along
some of my merchandise.
Open a shop here, huh,
ma'am? Well, perhaps you and I
can do a little
business together.
Perhaps.
[GASPS]
It started already.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I'm sorry. I'm just
plain hard luck.
Well, that's why
they call me Wrongo.
Everywhere I go,
things go wrong.
I hope not, knock on wood.
[♪♪♪]
Private, I'm sure
that if we check into
this jinx business a bit,
we'll be able
to clear it all up.
Now, when did it first start?
Well, sir,
it all began even before
I got into the service.
I was riding shotgun
on a stagecoach.
The Indians was
attacking, and by accident,
I hit their medicine man.
Filled his britches
full of buckshot. So?
So the medicine man
put a whammy on me.
An Indian curse.
And ever since, wherever
I go, things go wrong.
[SIGHS]
Soldier... that's
all in your mind.
Now, how could you
believe a thing like...?
Like that?
[GLASS SHATTERS]
See what I mean?
That's... That's nothing.
That's just a coincidence.
Now, I want you to
forget about the past.
It's over. There's no more jinx.
Now, you just keep
saying to yourself,
"I am not Wrongo Starr.
I am... Lucky Starr."
Yeah, come here,
please, private.
Now, just you keep saying,
"I am not Wrongo Starr.
I am Lucky Starr."
Now, repeat that
after me, private.
BOTH: I am not Wrongo Starr.
I am Lucky Starr.
You've got it. By
George, you've got it.
I am not Wrongo Starr.
I am Lucky Starr.
Now, are you Wrongo Starr?
No. I'm Lucky Starr.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[♪♪♪]
Who put on curse?
What he look like?
Well, he had on a big headdress
with buffalo horns on top.
And all the down the sides,
he wore a cape made out
of colored chicken feathers.
And then around his neck,
he had a necklace
of elk's teeth.
And a whole mess of little
bells clumped around his ankle.
And they were tied
by leather thongs.
Hm, must be Eastern
tribe. Algonquin, maybe.
Always overdress.
Can you do anything, chief?
If this guy Wrongo is
with us one more week,
we're gonna get wiped out.
White brothers not worry.
Indian curse big nothing.
Big phony.
You're an Indian
and you say that?
Sure, it take one to know one.
Say, isn't that a
still over there?
Well, oh... No, no, it's, uh...
Well, this here is an
elixir mixer, you see.
That is to make Hekawi tonic.
Yeah. That's why the Hekawi
are so healthy and fearless.
Distilled essence
of cactus needle.
That's what I call
spiking the tonic.
We have drink of friendship
and not worry
about Indian curse.
Is big superstition.
Mean nothing.
[♪♪♪]
Now, that what I call a curse.
[♪♪♪]
All right, Agarn,
Wrongo, come here.
Now, listen, Wrongo.
You're assigned to
police this compound,
and do me a favor.
Stay as far away from
everybody as you can.
I will. Thanks, sergeant.
All right.
Sarge.
What?
I got an idea.
Yeah, what's that?
Maybe we could get
Wrongo a... A lucky charm.
A rabbit's foot.
There ain't no rabbit
with that lucky a foot.
A four-leaf clover.
We'd have to get
one as big as a tree.
I know.
That new knickknack
shop in town.
I bet they sell
good-luck charms.
Nah, save your money, Agarn.
No harm in trying, sarge.
Besides, I might pick
up a little something
for Betty Lou, my
girlfriend back in Passaic.
You know, we've been going
steady now for seven years.
And you know, after seven years,
you ought to be
buying her a ring.
[SIGHS] [GRUNTS]
Hey, sergeant, you seen Wilton?
He's in his office, I
think. What's the matter?
You know that slinky widow,
the one that opened
the knickknack shop?
Hermione Gooderly.
Yeah. Well, she sure
fits the description
of what came over
the wire. What's that?
Well, if I'm right, she's
wanted in six states.
They call her the
Happy-Go-Lucky Widow.
"The Happy-Go-Lucky Widow"?
Yeah, well, according
to Wrangler Jane,
she sure fits the description
of the Happy-Go-Lucky Widow.
Married four times,
always to a serviceman,
and every one of them died under
very mysterious circumstances.
And then she
collected the insurance.
Well, let's not jump to
conclusions, sergeant.
After all, there must be
many women who look like her.
Yeah, well, I just thought
you'd like to
know about it, sir.
Oh, of course. Of course.
And as military
governor of this territory,
I'll give her one of my casual
but penetrating
cross-examinations
the very next
time I go into town.
However, I'm inclined to believe
the widow is merely what she
claims to be. Just a plain or...
Wait a minute.
I just thought of something.
The Widow Gooderly
came in on same stagecoach
with Wrongo Starr.
[♪♪♪]
[BELL CHIMES]
How do, ma'am?
Oh, not "ma'am."
I'm Hermione Gooderly, but
you may call me Hermione.
Well, ma'am, you can just
call me Randolph, ma'am.
Not "ma'am." It's "Miss."
Oh, I... I see.
I was a ma'am,
but, uh, I'm a widow.
Oh, that's too bad.
What can I do for you?
Well, I'd like to buy
something for my girlfriend.
Oh, you have a girlfriend.
That's too bad.
She's far away.
She's in Passaic.
Oh, that's good.
Soon as I save up enough
money, I'm gonna marry her.
Oh, that's too bad.
Just imagine a handsome
soldier boy like you...
brave, good-looking...
strong, tall.
Just imagine a man
like you being single.
Oh, I ain't so tall.
You're just the
right height for me.
Betty Lou is crazy
about bracelets.
You got anything like that?
Of course.
But, uh, first...
First... I'd like to serve you
some very special wine.
I think you'll enjoy it.
I will?
It's very old wine.
The recipe has been
in my family for years.
Listen, Hermione, I'd
better get back to the fort.
Oh, but corporal, I insist.
I only serve this wine to...
special people.
Well, in that case.
Ooh, not bad. A
family recipe, you say?
From the Orient.
It's very relaxing.
How about that.
[♪♪♪]
We'll have Janey wire
for more information
before we make any
definite move, sergeant.
She already has. Sent
wires to all six states.
We ought to hear
in matter of hours.
Oh, good, good. Say.
Say, isn't that Wrongo...
Isn't that Lucky Starr?
O'ROURKE: Oh, yeah,
he's on cleanup detail.
Not that I believe in that
Indian curse, mind you, but...
Captain, Sergeant,
I have the most
wonderful news for you.
You all right, Agarn?
I'm in love.
I'm in love. I'm in love, love.
Of course you're in love.
Maybe after seven more
years, you'll marry Betty Lou.
Betty Lou?
Betty Lou. Who else?
The woman I love.
I'm marrying Hermione on Friday.
[♪♪♪]
Hermione Gooderly?
The same.
Agarn, what's happened to you?
I'm marrying Hermione on Friday
and we're going to
honeymoon at Wapping Falls.
Wapping Falls?
That's the most treacherous
waterfall in the West.
That's 3000 feet high.
You... I think it's 3000.
Wait a minute, let
me check my map.
Agarn, pal, buddy.
Now, listen to me, will ya?
Don't do anything foolish.
We're expecting some wires
about Hermione any minute now.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no. It's not 3000.
It's only 2896 feet.
Yeah, well...
Hi, sergeant.
I picked up everything
that wasn't nailed down.
You just keep policing the area.
If you say so, sergeant.
Ah.
Whew.
Aw, poor devil.
I must confess that bad
luck does seem to pursue him.
Yeah, and it's beginning
to rub off on Agarn.
It could prove fatal.
Yeah, well we'll know
more about the lady soon,
and in the meantime,
Private Starr
seems to be where this curse...
Uh, if it is a curse.
- -can do no harm.
Mm-hm.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Fairest of figure,
fairest of face.
Her name is Hermione,
her form is "divione."
Yeah, well, these just came in.
Listen to 'em. See
what you think.
"Her first husband, married
11 days, died of food poisoning.
"Second husband,
married 17 days,
"drowned while canoeing.
Found with a lump on his head.
Third husband,
married two months..."
Oh, he must have
been something special.
"died mountain
climbing, fell 17,000 feet."
The rope had been cut, but
nobody can prove she did it.
"Fourth husband,
honeymooned at Niagara Falls,
"fell off a rock. When
they found the body,
he had grease on
the soles of his boots."
None of us is perfect.
Oh, come on. You need some air.
Sheez!
Private Starr, I invite you
to my wedding ceremony.
Oh, do you really
think I should go?
Why not? What
else could go wrong?
I almost got married once.
But my fiancée broke her leg.
Then she married the doctor.
And, uh, you're single, huh?
Yeah.
What a shame.
[♪♪♪]
Gosh, I don't know.
Wrangler, this is for
my pal, my buddy.
Corporal Agarn, your friend,
Captain Parmenter's friend.
I tell ya, this will
not be a wedding.
It'll be a funeral.
Yeah, but...
Do you wanna be an
accomplice to murder?
That's what she's
gonna do. She'll kill him.
He'll be husband number five
and just as sure as shootin',
the captain will be number six.
Wilton? If she
touches my Wilton,
I'll shoot them ruffles
right off her petticoat.
All right, then we gotta do it.
But you gotta send the
telegram. You're in charge of that.
Just one telegram.
Nobody's ever
gonna know about it.
Just address it "Private
Leonard W. Starr."
What'll I say?
Well, I'll tell ya what to say.
Now, the first thing
is, see... [♪♪♪]
Hey, everybody, listen to this.
What is it, Janey?
What you got, Wrangler?
It's a telegram
for Private Starr.
Just came in over
the wire from Boston.
STARR: Boston? But... But
I don't anybody from Boston.
Oh, wait a minute. Just listen.
"Your Uncle Harold died
and left you a million. Stop.
"Thanks for past favors. Stop.
"Milligan, Callersham,
Trippit and Dalton.
Attorneys At Law."
Hurray!
Congratulations, private.
You just broke the jinx.
Hey! Yahoo!
Yahoo, yahoo, yahoo.
Yahoo...
What am I getting
so excited about?
I don't even have
an Uncle Harold.
A lot of people have
relatives that they forgot about
or never even heard of at all.
Look, just look
at this right here.
"Milligan, Callersham,
Trippit and Dalton.
Attorneys At Law." That's
the biggest law firm in Boston.
They don't ever make a mistake.
You're rich, I tell you.
You're rich, rich, rich!
Lucky Starr.
Lucky Starr!
Wait till everybody hears
about this and I spread the news.
Come on, let's you
and me go to the saloon.
Have a drink.
"Two large barrels of caviar,
one dozen cans of
peacock tongues"?
"One concert grand piano,
two dozen solid gold
watches..." Two dozen?
Yeah, well, those
are just little gifts
for the enlisted men, ma'am.
The piano there,
that's for the captain.
Well, I guess...
I guess I'll just have
to send away for all this.
But, sergeant, does the Army
always spend money like that?
Oh, this is not for
the Army, ma'am.
This is for Leonard W. Starr.
Leonard who?
Private Starr. You
must remember him.
You came out on the
same stagecoach with him.
Where does a private get
money to spend like that?
Oh, well... Well, I guess you
didn't hear about it, ma'am.
Well, he inherited
a million dollars.
Yes, I've got to get over
to the saloon right away,
because we're having a
little celebration for him.
Sergeant.
If you don't think it would
be imposing of me, I'd...
I'd love to accompany you
and congratulate the dear boy.
Well, ma'am, I...
I just wouldn't have
it any other way.
[♪♪♪]
[PIANO PLAYING]
And a big, strong
soldier like you
must have dozens of
women who simply adore him.
Well, there's my
mother and two aunts.
Hey, millionaire,
quite a party, ain't it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, a little bit noisy,
kind of hard to talk.
It certainly is.
This is excellent champagne,
but I have a special wine
that I'd like you to try in
honor of your good fortune.
It's in my shop.
Couldn't we continue
our conversation there?
But... But would it look right?
I-I mean, with your getting
married tomorrow and all.
That was just an infatuation.
Now I've found the real thing.
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMS]
Hermione!
My bird of paradise,
what are you doing?
My bride-to-be.
Tomorrow's our wedding day.
Tell me I'm not
seeing what I'm seeing.
Tomorrow is our wedding day!
I beg your pardon,
but tomorrow's our wedding day.
What are you talking about?
Hermione and I are getting
married in the morning.
Hermione?
Do you know what you're doing?
Corporal, I've been
thinking about it,
and I think we ought
to call our wedding off.
C-C-Call it off?
To be honest with you,
I found someone else.
Yes, and we're going to
honeymoon at Wapping Falls.
Hermione, you're gonna
honeymoon with him
at Wapping Falls?
But that was...
That was our place.
Ah, that's all
right, Agarn, pal.
You'll get over this.
Come on. Let's
go over to saloon.
You and me will have a drink.
Take your hands off me.
A man has gotta
fight for his own.
Private Starr, you have stolen
the heart of the woman I love.
Let's settle this like men.
We'll step outside.
You are outside.
Oh. So we are.
Come on, private.
I need fighting room.
Now I got ya.
Put 'em up!
I'm gonna hit you on
top of the head so hard,
it's gonna break
both your ankles.
Betray my betrothed, huh?
She's my betrothed.
Aah!
Go on, Leonard,
dear. Finish him off.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Agarn, pal. Buddy. Here.
Come on. Are you all right?
Up we go. That's a good boy.
Here, now, what's
been going on here?
Well, Agarn here was
just fighting for his fiancée.
Fiancée?
Fiancée?!
Betty Lou is my fiancée
and she's back in Passaic.
Agarn, pal, you've...
You've snapped out of it.
[LAUGHS]
Leonard, dearest,
you're a tiger in battle.
If you say so, Hermione.
I'll be so proud
to be your wife.
[WHISPERS] Sergeant, if she
really is the Happy-Go-Lucky Widow,
isn't Private Starr
taking a bit of a chance?
Don't worry about
a thing, captain.
I got everything under control.
It's just a matter of...
Telegram for Private
Leonard W. Starr.
Hey, soldier, ain't
you gonna read that?
Yeah, that could be important.
Hey. Hey... Ah, here.
O'ROURKE: We'll see what
this here is all about now.
Well, Wrangler,
what do you know?
That first telegram was wrong.
It read, "Your Uncle Harold
died and left you a million. Stop.
Thanks for past favors."
They put that word in the
wrong place, though, see?
It should have read,
"Your Uncle Harold
died and left you. Stop.
"A million thanks
for past favors.
Milligan, Callersham,
Trippit and Dalton."
Well, ya... You
can't win 'em all.
But listen, don't worry, pal.
You got that lovely
lady to be your wife.
To be my wife.
You can get by on your Army pay.
It's a whole $16 a month.
I'm getting out of here.
I'm fed up with the
whole a lot of you.
Hermione! Angel! What
about our wedding?
You let go of me, you pipsqueak.
I'm packing now.
[♪♪♪]
My fiancée.
The only girl I
ever really loved.
Gone.
[THUMP]
Are you all right, private?
Oh, I... I think so, captain.
Oh, fine, fine.
And now, about
your fiancée, private.
You're better off
without her, you know.
W-W-Without who, captain?
Hermione, your fiancée.
Fiancée?
But... But I don't
have a fiancée.
[CHUCKLING] Well.
I'm glad you've finally
come to your senses.
There. There, you see, sergeant.
By a lucky accident,
Private Starr
was saved from a very
unfortunate marriage.
I'm positive from now
on he'll be all right.
Well, it's almost
time for retreat.
Let's all get back to the fort.
Yeah.
[PLAYING "TAPS"]
Sergeant.
Would you draw up the
transfer papers, please?
Yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
And I wanna thank you, captain,
for getting me this
great new tour of duty.
Hey, well, you're quite
welcome, Wrongo...
Ahem. Private.
And all the best of luck
in the medical corps.
No hard feelings, now.
Oh, no.
Write to us.
And when you do, be careful.
Don't use a sharp pencil.
Remember now. The jinx is over.
A new day is dawning.
[CHUCKLES]
The jinx is over.
A new day is dawning.
All right, driver.
Hyah!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
[BLOWS]
[POPS]
Uh, you wanted to
see me, sergeant?
Oh, yes, sir. This
just came for you, sir.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Let me see.
Oh, it's about our
new replacement.
He'll be coming in
on the next stage.
We'll meet him, sir, and
give him a briefing, as it were.
Good. His name is
Private Leonard W. Starr.
Did you say "Leonard W. Starr"?
That's what it
says here, corporal.
Wrongo!
"Wrongo"?
Wrongo, sir.
Leonard W. Starr
is Wrongo Starr.
We're getting him,
captain? Wrongo Starr?
Well, what does
that mean, corporal?
Do you know his record, sir?
PARMENTER: No.
He has been with four outfits,
and the luckiest was
with General Custer
at the Little Bighorn.
Captain, I tell you,
this man is bad news.
He is a jinx.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, now, sergeant.
That's ridiculous.
There's no such thing as a jinx.
He used to be in
the Navy, captain.
The first three ships they
put him on went down.
Then they transferred
him to the cavalry.
First day there, his horse died.
That's all coincidence.
A horse could die anytime.
Of chicken pox?
Yeah, though, that's...
That's just a silly rumor.
Captain, that may be,
but I wanna tell you... [CLICKS]
Sergeant, the stage
is due any minute.
I suggest you meet it.
[CRIES OUT]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, hey. Whoa.
What happened?
Darndest thing I ever saw.
One of the stagecoach wheels
fell off coming
outta Kansas City.
Driver got knocked
clear outta the seat.
Are you Wrongo Starr?
Yes, sir.
Well, Wrongo, I am
Sergeant O'Rourke
and this here is Corporal Agarn.
Oh. Hi, fellas.
I'm so happy to meet all of you.
Would one of you kind gentlemen
please help me with my bags?
I'd be delighted, ma'am.
I'm afraid I have
rather a lot of luggage.
I'm planning to open
a knickknack shop
and I brought along
some of my merchandise.
Open a shop here, huh,
ma'am? Well, perhaps you and I
can do a little
business together.
Perhaps.
[GASPS]
It started already.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I'm sorry. I'm just
plain hard luck.
Well, that's why
they call me Wrongo.
Everywhere I go,
things go wrong.
I hope not, knock on wood.
[♪♪♪]
Private, I'm sure
that if we check into
this jinx business a bit,
we'll be able
to clear it all up.
Now, when did it first start?
Well, sir,
it all began even before
I got into the service.
I was riding shotgun
on a stagecoach.
The Indians was
attacking, and by accident,
I hit their medicine man.
Filled his britches
full of buckshot. So?
So the medicine man
put a whammy on me.
An Indian curse.
And ever since, wherever
I go, things go wrong.
[SIGHS]
Soldier... that's
all in your mind.
Now, how could you
believe a thing like...?
Like that?
[GLASS SHATTERS]
See what I mean?
That's... That's nothing.
That's just a coincidence.
Now, I want you to
forget about the past.
It's over. There's no more jinx.
Now, you just keep
saying to yourself,
"I am not Wrongo Starr.
I am... Lucky Starr."
Yeah, come here,
please, private.
Now, just you keep saying,
"I am not Wrongo Starr.
I am Lucky Starr."
Now, repeat that
after me, private.
BOTH: I am not Wrongo Starr.
I am Lucky Starr.
You've got it. By
George, you've got it.
I am not Wrongo Starr.
I am Lucky Starr.
Now, are you Wrongo Starr?
No. I'm Lucky Starr.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[♪♪♪]
Who put on curse?
What he look like?
Well, he had on a big headdress
with buffalo horns on top.
And all the down the sides,
he wore a cape made out
of colored chicken feathers.
And then around his neck,
he had a necklace
of elk's teeth.
And a whole mess of little
bells clumped around his ankle.
And they were tied
by leather thongs.
Hm, must be Eastern
tribe. Algonquin, maybe.
Always overdress.
Can you do anything, chief?
If this guy Wrongo is
with us one more week,
we're gonna get wiped out.
White brothers not worry.
Indian curse big nothing.
Big phony.
You're an Indian
and you say that?
Sure, it take one to know one.
Say, isn't that a
still over there?
Well, oh... No, no, it's, uh...
Well, this here is an
elixir mixer, you see.
That is to make Hekawi tonic.
Yeah. That's why the Hekawi
are so healthy and fearless.
Distilled essence
of cactus needle.
That's what I call
spiking the tonic.
We have drink of friendship
and not worry
about Indian curse.
Is big superstition.
Mean nothing.
[♪♪♪]
Now, that what I call a curse.
[♪♪♪]
All right, Agarn,
Wrongo, come here.
Now, listen, Wrongo.
You're assigned to
police this compound,
and do me a favor.
Stay as far away from
everybody as you can.
I will. Thanks, sergeant.
All right.
Sarge.
What?
I got an idea.
Yeah, what's that?
Maybe we could get
Wrongo a... A lucky charm.
A rabbit's foot.
There ain't no rabbit
with that lucky a foot.
A four-leaf clover.
We'd have to get
one as big as a tree.
I know.
That new knickknack
shop in town.
I bet they sell
good-luck charms.
Nah, save your money, Agarn.
No harm in trying, sarge.
Besides, I might pick
up a little something
for Betty Lou, my
girlfriend back in Passaic.
You know, we've been going
steady now for seven years.
And you know, after seven years,
you ought to be
buying her a ring.
[SIGHS] [GRUNTS]
Hey, sergeant, you seen Wilton?
He's in his office, I
think. What's the matter?
You know that slinky widow,
the one that opened
the knickknack shop?
Hermione Gooderly.
Yeah. Well, she sure
fits the description
of what came over
the wire. What's that?
Well, if I'm right, she's
wanted in six states.
They call her the
Happy-Go-Lucky Widow.
"The Happy-Go-Lucky Widow"?
Yeah, well, according
to Wrangler Jane,
she sure fits the description
of the Happy-Go-Lucky Widow.
Married four times,
always to a serviceman,
and every one of them died under
very mysterious circumstances.
And then she
collected the insurance.
Well, let's not jump to
conclusions, sergeant.
After all, there must be
many women who look like her.
Yeah, well, I just thought
you'd like to
know about it, sir.
Oh, of course. Of course.
And as military
governor of this territory,
I'll give her one of my casual
but penetrating
cross-examinations
the very next
time I go into town.
However, I'm inclined to believe
the widow is merely what she
claims to be. Just a plain or...
Wait a minute.
I just thought of something.
The Widow Gooderly
came in on same stagecoach
with Wrongo Starr.
[♪♪♪]
[BELL CHIMES]
How do, ma'am?
Oh, not "ma'am."
I'm Hermione Gooderly, but
you may call me Hermione.
Well, ma'am, you can just
call me Randolph, ma'am.
Not "ma'am." It's "Miss."
Oh, I... I see.
I was a ma'am,
but, uh, I'm a widow.
Oh, that's too bad.
What can I do for you?
Well, I'd like to buy
something for my girlfriend.
Oh, you have a girlfriend.
That's too bad.
She's far away.
She's in Passaic.
Oh, that's good.
Soon as I save up enough
money, I'm gonna marry her.
Oh, that's too bad.
Just imagine a handsome
soldier boy like you...
brave, good-looking...
strong, tall.
Just imagine a man
like you being single.
Oh, I ain't so tall.
You're just the
right height for me.
Betty Lou is crazy
about bracelets.
You got anything like that?
Of course.
But, uh, first...
First... I'd like to serve you
some very special wine.
I think you'll enjoy it.
I will?
It's very old wine.
The recipe has been
in my family for years.
Listen, Hermione, I'd
better get back to the fort.
Oh, but corporal, I insist.
I only serve this wine to...
special people.
Well, in that case.
Ooh, not bad. A
family recipe, you say?
From the Orient.
It's very relaxing.
How about that.
[♪♪♪]
We'll have Janey wire
for more information
before we make any
definite move, sergeant.
She already has. Sent
wires to all six states.
We ought to hear
in matter of hours.
Oh, good, good. Say.
Say, isn't that Wrongo...
Isn't that Lucky Starr?
O'ROURKE: Oh, yeah,
he's on cleanup detail.
Not that I believe in that
Indian curse, mind you, but...
Captain, Sergeant,
I have the most
wonderful news for you.
You all right, Agarn?
I'm in love.
I'm in love. I'm in love, love.
Of course you're in love.
Maybe after seven more
years, you'll marry Betty Lou.
Betty Lou?
Betty Lou. Who else?
The woman I love.
I'm marrying Hermione on Friday.
[♪♪♪]
Hermione Gooderly?
The same.
Agarn, what's happened to you?
I'm marrying Hermione on Friday
and we're going to
honeymoon at Wapping Falls.
Wapping Falls?
That's the most treacherous
waterfall in the West.
That's 3000 feet high.
You... I think it's 3000.
Wait a minute, let
me check my map.
Agarn, pal, buddy.
Now, listen to me, will ya?
Don't do anything foolish.
We're expecting some wires
about Hermione any minute now.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no. It's not 3000.
It's only 2896 feet.
Yeah, well...
Hi, sergeant.
I picked up everything
that wasn't nailed down.
You just keep policing the area.
If you say so, sergeant.
Ah.
Whew.
Aw, poor devil.
I must confess that bad
luck does seem to pursue him.
Yeah, and it's beginning
to rub off on Agarn.
It could prove fatal.
Yeah, well we'll know
more about the lady soon,
and in the meantime,
Private Starr
seems to be where this curse...
Uh, if it is a curse.
- -can do no harm.
Mm-hm.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Fairest of figure,
fairest of face.
Her name is Hermione,
her form is "divione."
Yeah, well, these just came in.
Listen to 'em. See
what you think.
"Her first husband, married
11 days, died of food poisoning.
"Second husband,
married 17 days,
"drowned while canoeing.
Found with a lump on his head.
Third husband,
married two months..."
Oh, he must have
been something special.
"died mountain
climbing, fell 17,000 feet."
The rope had been cut, but
nobody can prove she did it.
"Fourth husband,
honeymooned at Niagara Falls,
"fell off a rock. When
they found the body,
he had grease on
the soles of his boots."
None of us is perfect.
Oh, come on. You need some air.
Sheez!
Private Starr, I invite you
to my wedding ceremony.
Oh, do you really
think I should go?
Why not? What
else could go wrong?
I almost got married once.
But my fiancée broke her leg.
Then she married the doctor.
And, uh, you're single, huh?
Yeah.
What a shame.
[♪♪♪]
Gosh, I don't know.
Wrangler, this is for
my pal, my buddy.
Corporal Agarn, your friend,
Captain Parmenter's friend.
I tell ya, this will
not be a wedding.
It'll be a funeral.
Yeah, but...
Do you wanna be an
accomplice to murder?
That's what she's
gonna do. She'll kill him.
He'll be husband number five
and just as sure as shootin',
the captain will be number six.
Wilton? If she
touches my Wilton,
I'll shoot them ruffles
right off her petticoat.
All right, then we gotta do it.
But you gotta send the
telegram. You're in charge of that.
Just one telegram.
Nobody's ever
gonna know about it.
Just address it "Private
Leonard W. Starr."
What'll I say?
Well, I'll tell ya what to say.
Now, the first thing
is, see... [♪♪♪]
Hey, everybody, listen to this.
What is it, Janey?
What you got, Wrangler?
It's a telegram
for Private Starr.
Just came in over
the wire from Boston.
STARR: Boston? But... But
I don't anybody from Boston.
Oh, wait a minute. Just listen.
"Your Uncle Harold died
and left you a million. Stop.
"Thanks for past favors. Stop.
"Milligan, Callersham,
Trippit and Dalton.
Attorneys At Law."
Hurray!
Congratulations, private.
You just broke the jinx.
Hey! Yahoo!
Yahoo, yahoo, yahoo.
Yahoo...
What am I getting
so excited about?
I don't even have
an Uncle Harold.
A lot of people have
relatives that they forgot about
or never even heard of at all.
Look, just look
at this right here.
"Milligan, Callersham,
Trippit and Dalton.
Attorneys At Law." That's
the biggest law firm in Boston.
They don't ever make a mistake.
You're rich, I tell you.
You're rich, rich, rich!
Lucky Starr.
Lucky Starr!
Wait till everybody hears
about this and I spread the news.
Come on, let's you
and me go to the saloon.
Have a drink.
"Two large barrels of caviar,
one dozen cans of
peacock tongues"?
"One concert grand piano,
two dozen solid gold
watches..." Two dozen?
Yeah, well, those
are just little gifts
for the enlisted men, ma'am.
The piano there,
that's for the captain.
Well, I guess...
I guess I'll just have
to send away for all this.
But, sergeant, does the Army
always spend money like that?
Oh, this is not for
the Army, ma'am.
This is for Leonard W. Starr.
Leonard who?
Private Starr. You
must remember him.
You came out on the
same stagecoach with him.
Where does a private get
money to spend like that?
Oh, well... Well, I guess you
didn't hear about it, ma'am.
Well, he inherited
a million dollars.
Yes, I've got to get over
to the saloon right away,
because we're having a
little celebration for him.
Sergeant.
If you don't think it would
be imposing of me, I'd...
I'd love to accompany you
and congratulate the dear boy.
Well, ma'am, I...
I just wouldn't have
it any other way.
[♪♪♪]
[PIANO PLAYING]
And a big, strong
soldier like you
must have dozens of
women who simply adore him.
Well, there's my
mother and two aunts.
Hey, millionaire,
quite a party, ain't it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, a little bit noisy,
kind of hard to talk.
It certainly is.
This is excellent champagne,
but I have a special wine
that I'd like you to try in
honor of your good fortune.
It's in my shop.
Couldn't we continue
our conversation there?
But... But would it look right?
I-I mean, with your getting
married tomorrow and all.
That was just an infatuation.
Now I've found the real thing.
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMS]
Hermione!
My bird of paradise,
what are you doing?
My bride-to-be.
Tomorrow's our wedding day.
Tell me I'm not
seeing what I'm seeing.
Tomorrow is our wedding day!
I beg your pardon,
but tomorrow's our wedding day.
What are you talking about?
Hermione and I are getting
married in the morning.
Hermione?
Do you know what you're doing?
Corporal, I've been
thinking about it,
and I think we ought
to call our wedding off.
C-C-Call it off?
To be honest with you,
I found someone else.
Yes, and we're going to
honeymoon at Wapping Falls.
Hermione, you're gonna
honeymoon with him
at Wapping Falls?
But that was...
That was our place.
Ah, that's all
right, Agarn, pal.
You'll get over this.
Come on. Let's
go over to saloon.
You and me will have a drink.
Take your hands off me.
A man has gotta
fight for his own.
Private Starr, you have stolen
the heart of the woman I love.
Let's settle this like men.
We'll step outside.
You are outside.
Oh. So we are.
Come on, private.
I need fighting room.
Now I got ya.
Put 'em up!
I'm gonna hit you on
top of the head so hard,
it's gonna break
both your ankles.
Betray my betrothed, huh?
She's my betrothed.
Aah!
Go on, Leonard,
dear. Finish him off.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Agarn, pal. Buddy. Here.
Come on. Are you all right?
Up we go. That's a good boy.
Here, now, what's
been going on here?
Well, Agarn here was
just fighting for his fiancée.
Fiancée?
Fiancée?!
Betty Lou is my fiancée
and she's back in Passaic.
Agarn, pal, you've...
You've snapped out of it.
[LAUGHS]
Leonard, dearest,
you're a tiger in battle.
If you say so, Hermione.
I'll be so proud
to be your wife.
[WHISPERS] Sergeant, if she
really is the Happy-Go-Lucky Widow,
isn't Private Starr
taking a bit of a chance?
Don't worry about
a thing, captain.
I got everything under control.
It's just a matter of...
Telegram for Private
Leonard W. Starr.
Hey, soldier, ain't
you gonna read that?
Yeah, that could be important.
Hey. Hey... Ah, here.
O'ROURKE: We'll see what
this here is all about now.
Well, Wrangler,
what do you know?
That first telegram was wrong.
It read, "Your Uncle Harold
died and left you a million. Stop.
Thanks for past favors."
They put that word in the
wrong place, though, see?
It should have read,
"Your Uncle Harold
died and left you. Stop.
"A million thanks
for past favors.
Milligan, Callersham,
Trippit and Dalton."
Well, ya... You
can't win 'em all.
But listen, don't worry, pal.
You got that lovely
lady to be your wife.
To be my wife.
You can get by on your Army pay.
It's a whole $16 a month.
I'm getting out of here.
I'm fed up with the
whole a lot of you.
Hermione! Angel! What
about our wedding?
You let go of me, you pipsqueak.
I'm packing now.
[♪♪♪]
My fiancée.
The only girl I
ever really loved.
Gone.
[THUMP]
Are you all right, private?
Oh, I... I think so, captain.
Oh, fine, fine.
And now, about
your fiancée, private.
You're better off
without her, you know.
W-W-Without who, captain?
Hermione, your fiancée.
Fiancée?
But... But I don't
have a fiancée.
[CHUCKLING] Well.
I'm glad you've finally
come to your senses.
There. There, you see, sergeant.
By a lucky accident,
Private Starr
was saved from a very
unfortunate marriage.
I'm positive from now
on he'll be all right.
Well, it's almost
time for retreat.
Let's all get back to the fort.
Yeah.
[PLAYING "TAPS"]
Sergeant.
Would you draw up the
transfer papers, please?
Yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
And I wanna thank you, captain,
for getting me this
great new tour of duty.
Hey, well, you're quite
welcome, Wrongo...
Ahem. Private.
And all the best of luck
in the medical corps.
No hard feelings, now.
Oh, no.
Write to us.
And when you do, be careful.
Don't use a sharp pencil.
Remember now. The jinx is over.
A new day is dawning.
[CHUCKLES]
The jinx is over.
A new day is dawning.
All right, driver.
Hyah!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]