F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 17 - Our Hero, What's His Name? - full transcript

Agarn gets a dear john letter from his girl Betty Lou and O'Rourke devises a scheme to keep them together. He proposes sending her a letter telling her of Agarn's bravery and the fact that single handedly he killed Geronimo. What they don't plan on is Betty Lou's father printing the letter in the newspaper and Agarn becoming a national hero. Geronimo has also read the newspaper and is intent on seeking revenge against Agarn. While all this transpires Parmenter is determined to capture a bear which has been seen near the fort.

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

Mail call!

Uh, sound mail call, Dobbs.

[BUGLE PLAYS "MAIL CALL"]

[MEN LAUGHING, WHOOPING]

Franklin.



Duddleson.

Hoffenmueller. Jawohl!

Duffy. Ho!

I ain't had a letter from
Betty Lou in three weeks,

and today is my lucky day.

Today is it.

And when she calls my name,
I'm gonna take it cool and calm.

Ah.

Agarn. That's it!

That's it. That's it.

This is it, sarge.

My dentist in Passaic.

Sarge, can they
repossess my mouth?

JANE: Agarn.

This is the one.

[SNIFFS]

It's from Betty Lou. I
can smell the perfume.

It's delightful, delightful.

Not me, Betty Lou.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't read it here.

Sure got a perfect
day for it, Wilton.

Oh, yeah. Yes, we sure do.

Yes.

Perfect day for what?

Don't you remember? We
planned for a picnic today.

Oh.

Well, all right.
But I really should

be with the troop,
practicing close-order drill.

You mean, real
close-order drill? Like this?

Jane, please,
you're not in uniform.

This looks like a
nice spot, Wilton.

Oh, it's kind of
lonely, though, isn't it?

How about that?

Wilton, you know what
I'm in the mood for?

Uh... chicken sandwich?

[BEAR GROWLING]

There it is. Huh? There what is?

A bear. Wha...? What bear?

JANE: That bear!

Here. Wait, wait.
I'll handle this.

This is a man's job.

[WHIMPERING]

You're too late, Wilton.

Consarn critter got away again.

And he's been tearing up
fences and gardens all over town.

Well, I'll just have to set
a trap for him, that's all.

Uh, Janey, would you
bring me that coil of rope

over there by the
wall of the fort, please.

Now, we make a loop
on the ground like that.

Then, when the bear
puts his foot in the noose,

see, the slightest little
pressure on this rope,

and zing!

[YELLING]

Wilton!

Maybe we should
try digging a pit.

How could she do this to me?

I gave her the best
years of my life.

Engaged seven years.

Ah, well, you know
how women are.

Listen to this letter, sarge.

"Dear Mr. Agarn."

"Mr. Agarn"?

I used to be "Poopsie."

I was "Cuddles."

I don't mean to come apart
at the seams like this, sarge.

For a man who claims to
have a woman in every fort,

you certainly are
taking this big.

And I know who it is.

I know who it is.

It's Clarence, the
horsecar conductor.

She never could
resist a man in uniform.

Him and his shiny change maker.

Ah, what's he got
that you haven't got?

Betty Lou, that's what.

We used to carve our initials

in every tree in
downtown Passaic.

We went through
school together, sarge.

I was her hero.

Her hero, huh?

Aha! There, that's it.

You were her hero once

and you're gonna
be her hero again.

Me, her hero? Impossible.

Now listen to
this, I got an idea.

It says right here.

"Undaunted and alone,
the reckless, fiery Geronimo

"attacked an
entire train of troops

"and ruthlessly shot
down half a dozen men

before riding triumphantly off."

So?

So you're gonna kill Geronimo.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

I'm not hearing
what I'm hearing.

What?

You gonna write
Betty Lou a letter.

"It may interest you to know

"that, uh...
undaunted and alone,

"the reckless, fiery
me attacked Geronimo.

"Without a thought
for my own safety..."

"ruthlessly shot him down

"and rode triumphantly off.

Otherwise, things have
been pretty much the same."

Betty Lou, give me that letter.

I'm gonna run this in
our afternoon edition.

Daddy, that's wonderful.

Well, that young man
Agarn deserves credit.

This is front-page news.

I'll see that this is
set up in headlines.

"Corporal Agarn Slays Geronimo"

Hello, Clarence. Mr. McDonald.

I have a new change maker.

Anybody want
change of a quarter?

Clarence, have
you heard the news?

What news?

About Corporal Agarn.

He killed Geronimo.

Daddy's putting it in the paper.

Wait till they hear
about this in Washington.

He what?

Here it is, Mr. Secretary,
in a newspaper.

The Passaic Courier.

A Corporal Agarn has shot down

the great Indian
chief, Geronimo.

Why is it that I am
secretary of war,

but nobody ever
tells me these things?

The communications from
the West are very poor, sir.

I looked up Corporal Agarn.

He's at Fort Courage

under Captain Wilton Parmenter.

Don't I have an inspection
tour coming up in that area?

Yes, sir. Good.

I'll step off at Fort Courage

and see to it that
Corporal Agarn

receives a Presidential
Citation and a medal.

Heh-heh. Look at that headline.

"Corporal Agarn Slays Geronimo"

[CHUCKLES]

That'll make those Indians
sit up and take notice.

"Corporal Agarn Slay Geronimo"

Me Geronimo!

Me go slay Corporal Agarn.

More slaying?

Corporal slay me?

Me go see Hekawis.

Cousin Chief Wild Eagle,
they near Fort Courage.

They help me find
Corporal Agarn.

Me kill.

Killing no answer.

Get better result with honey

than get with vinegar.

Me no want honey.

Me no want vinegar.

Me want blood!

Blood of Corporal Agarn!

You. Me.

We ride all night, seek revenge.

You forget,

he ride fastest, who ride alone.

Lots of luck.

But how we gonna get the bear

to come over here, captain?

How do we get the
bear to...? Let me see.

Luring the bear...

No, I don't see
anything about that.

Could it be under "bear bait"?

JANE: Just a second now.

Bears love sweets, right?

And I got this
jar of honey here,

so all I gotta do
is spread it around.

JANE: I'll just put
a dab over here...

and a dab over here.

Here, let me have some.

Allow me, sir.

Ow! Dobbs, wait, wait.

Here wait, I need
some leverage here.

Yes, sir.

Okay, pull now, pull.

Sorry about that, sir.

Only trying to help.

You may return my sleeve, Dobbs,

I'd rather not be
caught out of uniform.

Yes, sir. Uh, can I
make a suggestion, sir?

Only after you return my sleeve.

If we could sound the
mating call of the bear,

that'd bring him
out of the woods.

Do you do mating calls, Dobbs?

Oh, yes, sir, on my bugle.

It's a specialty of mine.

Might be.

All right, Dobbs.
Sound the mating call.

[BUGLE PLAYS WEAK NOTE]

Was that a male or
female bear you saw?

I didn't get that close.

Well, I'll give them
the big love call.

That gets them whether
they're male or female.

[BUGLE PLAYS WEAK
NOTE] [BEAR GROWLS]

That did it! I heard him.

Come on, let's go.

Wait, Jane.

Follow me, Dobbs.

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHS] Whoa!

[SCREAMS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Come in.

Uh, beg your pardon, sir.

Have you worked out some
new mating calls, Dobbs?

No, sir. But I thought
you'd like to know

a scout's just arrived
from Fort Bravo.

There's a rumor that
the secretary of war

is coming to Fort Courage.

A rumor?

From Fort Bravo?

Now how come we're
always the last fort to know?

They say he's gonna
give somebody a medal.

A medal?

Well, now, who'd be
getting a medal here?

Muster the men, Dobbs.

Yes, sir.

[BUGLE PLAYS "ASSEMBLY"]

Hey, Dobbs. Ah...
[BUGLE SILENCES]

Men, has one of you
performed an act of courage

about which he is so
modest he is not telling us?

This is your last chance, now.

Will the guilty brave man
please take one step forward?

Well, somebody here
is getting a medal,

and I wanna know
who that man is.

Any little act of bravery you're
ashamed to mention, Duffy?

Well, sir, it was back
in '36 at the Alamo.

I was holding off a
charge with old Jim Bowie.

Turned to me and
said, "Duffy," he said,

"there's a wall of
human flesh out there."

Thank you, Duffy, thank you.

Santa Anna was
leading the charge.

There were thousands of them...

Uh, how about
you, Hoffenmueller?

Ach! Herr Captain.

In the Crimea. Mit...

DUFFY: I turned to Davy...

Crockett, that is.

[HOFFENMUELLER
SHOUTING IN GERMAN]

All right, that's enough.

All I had to fight
with was an old knife.

I called it a "Duffy knife."

[HOFFENMUELLER
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

PARMENTER: Men, that's it!

That's enough, now!
At ease! At ease!

Duffy! Hoffenmueller!

Ten-hut!

PARMENTER: Men, as
your commanding officer,

I must tell you

that if there is one
thing I will not tolerate,

it's a lying hero.

Now, one of you is a
brave, courageous soldier.

And until I find out who
that one exception is,

you're all confined to the post.

Dismissed.

[♪♪♪]

Cousin, let us not lose heads.

Agarn is business partner.

I come here to put
him out of business.

Look, we have nice
family visit, big dinner.

We have nice plate buffalo meat,

plenty fruit,

then we open up
new bottle firewater.

Later everybody do
Hekawi sun dance.

[SINGING IN NATIVE DIALECT]

You get good night sleep,

you feel better in morning.

Agarn is friend of Hekawi.

He make Hekawi souvenir
business pay good.

He make beautiful scalp.

You take too serious.

We trade with Agarn and F Troop.

They our best costumer.

Look,

could you not just
write him nasty letter?

Me attack Fort Courage
and kill corporal!

[WHOOPING]

My cousin, the warrior.

And his mother wanted him
to become big medicine man.

[♪♪♪]

There, that about sets
up the bear trap, Dobbs.

Oh, it's clever, sir.

I've been practicing
my mating call.

Uh, should I try? No,
no. Not now. Not now.

Wilton, it's wonderful.
I just heard the news.

What...? What is, Janey?

Well, the secretary of
war is coming out here

to give you a medal.

Oh, no, no.

No, I h-hardly
think it's me, Jane.

Wilton Parmenter, your
trouble is you're just too modest.

JANE: I can see it now.

The secretary
will come up to you

with the great big
gold medal and pin it...

I know. I know.

Right here.

[GASPS]

Poor captain.

Are you sure you
wrote the chicken farm?

Two stage coaches
and no feathers yet.

I wrote, I wrote.

And we promised the
Hekawis all new headdresses.

They're having their
harvest moon festival

this weekend.

Oh. Yoo-hoo! Poopsie!

It's Betty Lou!

You see? I told you you
two'd get together again.

I'll see if our
feathers are here.

Pussycat!

What are you doing here?

You know why I'm here.

O'ROURKE: Agarn,

we've got a whole
box of feathers.

Sarge, I want you
to meet my girl.

Oh, pleased to
meet you, pussycat.

I'm here for the ceremony.

Ceremony? You mean,
we're gonna get married?

Sure, after.

After? After what?

After the secretary of
war gives you the medal.

Medal? Me? What medal?

What...? What...? What...? What...?
The medal for killing Geronimo.

Homina, homina... [BABBLES]

As soon as we got your letter,

my daddy printed
it in the paper.

They saw it in Washington.

Sarge!

Oh, well, old buddy,
we did it again.

You'll have to forgive him,
ma'am. He's very sentimental.

Oh, I understand. [BABBLING]

It isn't every day that
a man gets a medal

from the secretary of war
for killing Geronimo, huh?

Homina, homina, homina.

Uh, yeah, uh, well,
I'm very sorry, ma'am,

but I'm afraid he won't be
able to attend the ceremony.

Why not?

Uh, battle fatigue,
don't you recognize it?

The quickening of the pulse,
the pounding of the heart.

This man needs to be alone.

I used to be in
the medical corps.

What this man need is
isolation, a complete rest.

Oh, my darling! Hey! Hey!

Now what am I gonna do?

Relax, relax.

They can't do anything

as long as you don't
accept the medal.

All we gotta do is
keep you out of sight.

What am I gonna tell the Army?

I'll tell them you're sick.

Just make sure nobody sees you.

Stay out of sight.

What's the penalty?
What's the crime?

Well, let's see...
impersonating a hero,

accepting a medal under
false pretenses, fraud...

Sarge, which is it?

I'd say it's all three.

How much can I get for that?

Ninety-nine years
in a rock pile or...

well, if you're
lucky, heh... life.

[GROANS]

Captain, the secretary
of war is approaching.

Troop, ten-hut!

Bugler, Sound the welcome.

[BUGLE PLAYS "WELCOME"]

Welcome to Fort
Courage, Mr. Secretary.

The men of F Troop salute you.

Order, arms.

Corporal Agarn,
front and center.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Did you say Corporal Agarn, sir?

Yes.

Corporal Randolph
Agarn, front and center.

Well, I'm very sorry, sir,

but Corporal Agarn
is not present.

He's, uh, confined to quarters.

He is? Uh, well,
Very sudden, sir, yes.

Where is he? I'll go
to him, brave man.

I wouldn't do that if I
were you, Mr. Secretary.

He has some very
strange marks on his face.

Looks highly
contagious to me, sir.

Ah, it does, eh?

O'ROURKE: Shame that
we can't carry on with this,

but when he's better, with the
captain's permission, of course,

we'll write to you
in Washington.

I'm sorry it had
to end this way.

Oh, but it doesn't end this way.

I came here to
make a presentation

and, by George,
I'm going to do it.

Captain Wilton
Parmenter, front and center.

Parmenter, I'm going to
turn this medal over to you

as commandant of this unit,

and when Corporal
Agarn recovers,

you can... present
it to him then.

I shall, sir.

"For Corporal Randolph Agarn

"for heroism above and
beyond the call of duty,

"the government
of the United States

"is pleased and proud to
present you with a medal

"commemorating the
fact that alone and unaided

"you launched a successful
tack against Geronimo.

"And fearlessly slew him
without a moment's thought

"for your own personal safety.

Sound the salute, private.

Oh, the cannon.

SECRETARY OF WAR: Corporal
Agarn will go down in history

as the man who slew Geronimo.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

SECRETARY OF
WAR: And all you men,

look upon Corporal Agarn

as an example of courage
and excellence in battle.

[FUSE BURNS OUT]

What...?

AGARN: Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help!

Geronimo!

Who is this man?

Uh, th-that's
Corporal Agarn, sir.

Geronimo!

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

Geronimo!

[GRUNTS]

He's unarmed, men.

I want him taken alive.

[YELLING]

DUFFY: Captain!

He fell in the
bear trap, captain.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, a stroke of a
genius, Mr. Secretary.

What? Oh, yes.

A brilliant plan by Captain
Parmenter to capture Geronimo.

It was? Oh, yes.

He figured by
claiming he was killed,

we'd bring Geronimo
out of hiding.

Really?

Corporal Agarn was
just bait in the trap.

Well, well.

Oh, I tell you, sir, that
Captain Parmenter can

outthink any Indian in the West.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Captain Parmenter.

Sir.

This belongs to you.

All right, throw him in there.

[GRUNTING]

Come on, Duffy.

[GRUNTS]

Dobbs, you seen Agarn?

Oh, he's in town
with his girl, sergeant.

He is, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Yes, sir, when Morgan
O'Rourke plays Cupid

them little darts really stick.

I'm going back to Clarence.

I can trust him.

Yeah, just ask for
change of a dollar

and see what happens.

Him and his crooked
change maker. Pussycat.

Goodbye, corporal, sir.

"Goodbye"?

"Corporal"? "Sir"? What
happened to "Cuddles"?

If he'll have me, I'm
going to marry Clarence.

Oh, yeah? I hope his
change maker jams.

I hope the wheels
fall off his horsecar.

I hope he runs out of tickets...

and loses all his transfers.

Driver!

DRIVER: Yeah! Hyah! Hyah!

I hope, I hope... [SOBS]

I don't know what I hope. Sarge!

You know, I never got a
chance to congratulate you.

Well, it's just part
of my duty, Janey,

keeping peace in the territory.

Would you open that? Oh, yeah.

Well, you earned
that medal for sure.

He was sure one mean Indian.

Well, after he goes
on trial at Fort Bravo,

he won't be around to be
mean for a long, long time.

Oh, now, that's a shame.

[BEAR GROWLING] [WHIMPERS]

No, no. Don't worry,
Jane. I'll handle this.

[GROWLING]

Whoa!

Oh, Wilton!

Oh, Wilton, you've
done it again.

[♪♪♪]