F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 15 - Here Comes the Tribe - full transcript
The chief's daughter is kidnapped and F Troop swings into action.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[BUGLE PLAYS "YANKEE
DOODLE" OFF-KEY]
[♪♪♪]
Good morning. Good morning, sir.
Going someplace?
A scout patrol, sir.
The Hekawis has been
a little restless lately.
It's like sitting on a powder
keg with a sputtering fuse.
I thought they were
temporarily contained.
They're a tricky bunch, sir.
Agarn and me don't like the way
things are beginning
to smell up there.
Hut!
Hyah.
[BUGLE PLAYS "TAPS" OFF-KEY]
Vanderbilt, ooh, wait, wait.
The... The stake is over there.
Well, what was I aiming at?
The flagpole.
Oh, no wonder it looked so tall.
Well, your... Your distance
is just excellent, Vanderbilt.
Now, you just have to
work on your direction.
[♪♪♪]
Smell good, huh?
Phew, take a
whiff of that stuff.
Ugh!
You call this whiskey?
You call it whiskey.
Hekawi call it nazumahashamuma.
Why?
Uh, paleface translation,
"rat gut." Okay.
Medicine man
use for sick braves.
Not cure but make them
laugh even when it hurt.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Turn that booze
boiler off, will you?
WOMAN: Father?
Hello, Silver Dove.
Hi-yo, Silver.
Hello, sergeant, corporal.
What is it, my daughter?
Mama says come to tepee
and pound buffalo
steak for dinner.
We have buffalo again?
Not bad if marinated
in nazumahashamuma.
Hey, that stuff will
marinate the customers.
We have old Hekawi saying:
When field mouse see
shadow, time to string beads.
What's that mean?
Not know.
Nobody ever ask before.
[WHOOPING & GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]
Shugs, they kidnap daughter!
Well, them dirty, no good...
Hey, what are you trying
to do, wing Silver Dove?
Now, what's going on here?
Are you and the Shugs feuding?
War Cloud, that
son of Shug chief,
he want to marry my
little girl, but I say no!
Shugs not good enough to
lace moccasin of Hekawi maiden!
Sarge, just like
Romeo and Juliet.
What tribe they with?
Look, what are you
standing around for?
Why don't you get your
boys and go after them?
Peaceloving Hekawi fight Indian?
That's your job.
BOTH: Our job?!
Why you think we
made palefaced brother?
U.S. cavalry always
come to rescue.
[BUGLE PLAYS "TAPS" OFF-KEY]
Mm, that... That's
very good, Hannibal.
Well, you're getting
closer all the time.
"Taps" ain't much of a
compliment to my cooking.
Well, I'm sorry, Miss Jane,
but that's the closest
thing to eating music I know.
Wilton Parmenter,
look at your plate.
You ain't hardly
touched a thing.
Sure I have. You just piled
it too high to begin with.
I was hoping you'd get
so took with my cooking
you'd wanna eat it
the rest of your life.
That's very kind of you, Janie,
but what if I got transferred?
How would you ship it to me?
Oh, eat your dessert.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, excuse us for
busting in like this, captain,
but this is a real
emergency, sir.
Emergency?
It's a catastrophe. Mm.
[BUGLE PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Shugs have kidnapped
Wild Eagle's daughter,
and I'd like, with the
captain's permission,
to take the troop and fetch her.
I don't know. I'll have to look
that up in the Regulations Act.
Don't know if we're supposed
to rescue Indians from Indians.
Wilton, will you forget
that consigned book?
It'll be a great
chance to get in solid
with the ferocious
Hekawis, captain.
Well, I... I know that,
corporal. I know that.
But there... There
must be some...
Sergeant, I'll need your help.
And yours too, corporal.
Uh, but the troop?
They won't be needed.
I'll handle this
myself. You, sir?
But we can't take a
chance on losing you.
There'd be bloodthirsty Indians
lurking behind
every rock, captain.
Men, you're forgetting
the old cavalry saying:
There are two
sides to every rock,
and it takes all kinds of
Indians to make the West.
What does that mean?
I don't know. Nobody
ever asked me before.
Ah.
[♪♪♪]
Well, how do I look? Mm.
Well, begging the
captain's pardon,
like a sneaky Hiawatha.
Ah, I think you look
just fine, sir. Oh.
Hey, sarge, ain't you
kind of tall for an Indian?
Well, I'll walk on my
knees. Nobody will notice.
There's nothing to worry about.
In The Last of the Mohicans,
they did this sort
of thing all the time.
And it worked?
I... I don't remember that part.
I'm afraid we better
get going. Mm.
[SCREAMS]
[WHIMPERS] What's the matter?
Oh, it's me.
Oh, come on, Minnehaha.
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, look.
Indian attack!
Indians?
To the parapets, men!
[YELLING]
[ALL YELLING]
We're the Indians!
And we're friendly!
I got one! I got one!
Vanderbilt, you nut head!
It's me, Duffy!
Oh, excuse me, Duffy.
Ah!
Will you get off of the captain?
Everybody, let me go!
All right, get up.
Bunch of knuckleheads!
Come on, Agarn,
let's get the horses.
We... We're sorry, captain.
You ain't mad 'cause you
got jumped on, are you?
Oh, no, no, of course not.
It shows that F Troop
is courageous and alert.
All right, now, men, the
three of us are going out
to raid the Shugs.
And in case we
don't make it back,
I want you all to
remember that it's...
It's all part of
winning the West.
Uh, Private Dobbs, you'll
be in charge with the fort.
Well, thank you, sir.
Time to mount up, captain.
Oop!
Dobbs.
Dob...
[SIGHS]
You all right, sir? Yeah.
All right, here we go.
I must leave to post
lookout, Silver Dove.
Sleep without fear.
I am not afraid, War Cloud.
Good night.
I didn't know Indians kissed.
In The Last of the
Mohicans, they rub noses.
Yeah, well, that's why they
were the last of the Mohicans.
Heart Lips is leaving, captain.
Shall we rush him? No, no, no.
You two men, take
care of the guards.
I'll sneak in through
the back and get the girl.
Now, don't forget,
if you're spotted,
you're an Injun.
You betchum.
[POTTERY CLATTERING]
Shh.
Don't be afraid, Silver Dove.
You comum with me.
I am not going any place.
I have been kidnapped
enough for one day.
You cheat them on count.
I no cheat them on count.
Now... BOTH: Ibitty
bibitty sibitty sam
Ibitty sibitty kanaba
Kanaba in, Kanaba out
Kanaba over the waterspout
Out goes Y-O-U!
We with U.S. cavalry.
Cavalry. You, come.
Come.
Let's hurry up, captain.
It can get drafty around
here without your scalp.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
aren't you a little old
to be playing Indian?
Never mind about that.
Now, come on.
We're gonna go home.
I don't want to go home.
Well, your father
wants you to go home!
And I thought this
was a free country.
Come on, let's go.
We got her, corporal.
Hey, sarge! They're coming to.
Ibitty bibitty... We got no time
for "Ibitty bibitty sam."
[DRUMS PLAYING RHYTHMIC BEAT]
Wild Eagle happy
Silver Dove back in coop.
We drink.
Oh that... That... [GAGS]
It's smooth, huh, captain?
Uh, Miss Dove, may I have
the pleasure of this dance?
For shame, Wild Eagle,
your daughter rescued, and
you forget ancient Hekawi custom.
I not forget nothing.
Wedding of daughter take
place one week from today.
Hey, I didn't know Silver Dove
is gonna get married. Who to?
Reward for save Hekawi maiden.
Tradition say she
must marry captain.
The captain?! Listen, chief.
You'd better stay out of
that nashahashahamamuma.
What's...? What's our captain
got to do with your tradition?
Ah, very old. Go
back many moons.
Many, many, many,
many, many, many...
Stop with the moons.
Before sun come up.
Make arrangement for wedding.
Listen, Wild Eagle, you can't
make the captain get married.
He's not a redskin.
Him pinkskin. That close enough.
Well, it's against his religion.
He's a... A... A
confirmed bachelor.
Captain marry Silver
Dove, or we have big fight!
Fight, hah. You?
Ha-ha, the tribe that
invented the peace pipe.
We fight.
Tradition only thing
Hekawi fight for!
You would?
Even if we have to
hire Apache to do it.
Go get blanket for smoke signal.
Send out wedding announcement.
Uh, listen, chief.
Don't you say anything
to the captain about this.
Now, please, just...
Just let me handle it.
Okay, but you handle.
Move daughter to fort,
cook for captain, wash
clothes, one week engagement.
Then... big wedding.
They make lovely couple.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, you... You don't have
to cook for me, Silver Dove.
I've got an orderly for that.
It is part of Hekawi tradition.
Do you not like my cooking?
Oh, yes, yes, I... Why, I... I
love your... dried otter rump.
It's... It's even better than
your pickled rattlesnake.
This is my specialty. Candied
sumac and hawk giblets.
Oh that's... That's...
That's... I think... I think it
needs a little more seasoning.
I will go to the
kitchen and get some.
Uh, you'll find it in a jar
marked "bicarbonate."
[♪♪♪]
Hawk giblets.
I tell you, there
can't be a wedding.
The captain marries Silver Dove,
we might as well turn honest.
Why don't we tell them
he's got a wife in
Philadelphia and 20 kids?
Knucklehead, would you believe
the captain has got 20 kids?
Make it 19. I'll...
Sarge, I'm just trying to help.
Oh, big help, yeah.
If the captain gets
palsy with the Hekawi,
he'll find out they're
not so ferocious,
and that they're making
whiskey for our saloon.
What do you think
I'm worried about?
That will be the end of
O'Rourke Enterprises.
The saloon, the
laundry, the hotel,
the real estate
office on Boot Hill.
Boot Hill you can lose.
It's a nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't
want to live there.
Here comes some more trouble.
Oh, uh, Wrangler, I'm...
I'm sorry, but you can't see
the captain for a few days.
He's mapping out a
very important campaign.
Yeah, a special request
from... General Custer. Mm.
JANE: What's a tepee
doing on an army post?
[BABBLING]
Tepee? What tepee?
Oh, the Injun tepee.
Sarge, she means
the Injun tepee.
Yeah, well, that belongs
to the captain's
new housekeeper.
She's an Indian. Housekeeper?
What's he need a
housekeeper for?
Now, now... He's
got an orderly and me.
Now, wait a minute, Wrangler.
There's nothing to
get all riled up about.
She's one of them big, fat,
squaw-type housekeepers.
Yeah, well, I don't like
it nohow. Out of my way.
Wrangler, now, listen.
You can't go in there.
It's off-limits to
blond female civilians!
Wrangler!
What's she gonna
do when she finds out
the captain is getting married?
What's he gonna do when he
finds out he's getting married?
[KNOCKS]
Come in.
Oh, Janie, you're
just in time for dinner.
In time for? I
thought I brung it.
Baked quail. Shot it myself.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
S-say, would like some, uh,
hawk giblets and candied sumac?
To eat?
It's Silver's specialty.
Silver?
Wilton Parmenter, what do
you need a housekeeper for?
Well, I don't really.
It's just that I rescued
her from the Shugs,
and O'Rourke says
it's Hekawi tradition.
What's that got to do with it?
You ain't no Hekawi.
How fat is she anyway?
Silver? SILVER: Yes, captain?
[♪♪♪]
Housekeeper?
Yes, uh, Silver Dove,
I'd like you to meet
Jane Angelica Thrift.
She brought us some baked quail.
Us?
Thank you, Miss Thrift.
I'll put it in the
kitchen and cool it.
Yeah, you do that.
Wilton Parmenter, I
don't like this arrangement
one picayune little bit.
Get rid of her.
What? And make Wild Eagle mad?
Look, if I mess
up their tradition,
he's liable to get
ferocious again
and wipe out this whole fort.
Fiddle-faddle. But, Janie,
it's just part of
winning the West.
Yeah, well, you don't have
to do it one girl at a time.
"Fat housekeeper."
Oh, Janie, look...
[♪♪♪]
Here's the seasoning, captain.
She doesn't look fat.
[♪♪♪]
Will you stop
pacing up and down?
You make me nervous.
You asked me to
help, didn't you?
How am I gonna get that
chief to stop the wedding?
How?
Sarge! Huh? What?
A great idea!
What is it? You got one?
No, that's what we
need, a great idea.
You little pig.
Why, I should...
[DRUMS PLAYING RHYTHMIC BEAT]
What are you doing?
Listen to that beat. It's wild.
It's a message from the chief.
What does it say?
When are you gonna
learn how learn to read?
Gee, a night letter.
Wait a minute.
"Medicine Man check tradition.
"Wedding must take
place in full moon.
Tonight!"
Tonight?! [GASPS]
Sarge, what are we gonna do?
Wait a minute. There's more.
"Bring present."
I'll bring him a present.
Listen, you get the captain.
Take him up there,
but for Pete's sake,
don't let him know
it's his own wedding.
Now, just stall
until I get there.
Where are you going?
Where do you think I'm
going? To get a present.
Mm-hm.
[♪♪♪]
Hi, I come in peace.
Uh, where's your boss?
Him Ibitty. Mm.
Ibitty bibitty Sibitty sam
Ibitty bibitty Sam
Uh, whoa. Kanaba.
Ibitty bibitty Sibitty
sam [INDIANS GRUNT]
[♪♪♪]
Half hour long enough.
Call them tie.
I've never been to an
Indian wedding before.
Which one's the groom?
The groom? Oh, the groom.
[GULPS]
He's around here someplace.
[MUTTERS] I wish I
knew where sarge was.
CHIEF: Tug of war over.
You have other paleface
wedding tradition?
The paleface wedding tradition.
Well, once, we've had...
dancing around the maypole,
we've had, uh,
dunking for apples,
The potato-sack race,
the snipe hunt... And wait...
Musical chairs. Corporal.
Oh, captain, a wedding wouldn't
be legal without musical chairs.
Now, all of you, Hekawi
form one big, oblong circle...
CHIEF: Stop!
You hung them up long enough.
Wedding begin.
Start music.
A one, a two.
[PLAYING "WEDDING
MARCH" OFF-KEY]
You know, if this were any
other kind of a wedding ceremony,
I'd be standing exactly
where the groom should be.
Yeah, well, the Indians don't
do it that way no more, captain.
A whole new system.
Oh, yeah, well, where does
the groom usually stand?
[BABBLES] Oh, anyplace.
Sometimes, he
doesn't even show up.
[MUTTERS] Just like the sarge.
Yeah, I was just
telling the corporal
that I've never been this
close to a wedding before.
You never get any closer.
Who's the lucky man?
Me. Unload one daughter.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
CHIEF: Go ahead, doc.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Dearly belovum..." AGARN: Wait!
If you don't wanna play musical
chairs, how about charades?
Oh, it's a barrel of fun.
Be quiet!
What fun got to do
with get married?
"Dearly belovum..."
Wait.
Why didn't I think of it before?
A chess tournament!
Practically ain't no fun at all.
Corporal, you're really
getting out of line now.
This lovely girl should have
been married hours ago.
Ain't that the truth.
You're not to interfere again,
and that's an order.
Go ahead, doctor.
Some wedding.
Hope marriage last this long.
"Dearly belovum..." Not yet.
Groom move out of place.
Uh, who, me?
Heh-heh-heh. No, no.
No, no, I'm not the groom.
You not flower girl.
No, no, I'm...
No, no. Oh, now, wait a minute.
W-wait, no, there's...
There's been a
terrible mistake here.
No, no, I'm not getting married.
You save Hekawi,
you marry Hekawi.
Tradition.
Oh, look, chief,
your Silver Dove
i-is a lovely girl
and everything,
but what... She hasn't
even met my mother.
Back home in Philadelphia,
we believe in long engagements.
Why, I... I... I don't even
know you're daughter.
You get to be real good
friends on honeymoon.
"Dearly belovum..."
PARMENTER: Wait!
Uh, ch-chief...
Chi-chi... I'm sorry,
but I-I just remembered I
have to be back at the fort.
I'm the officer in charge, and
I have to make a bed check.
Uh, good night, heh.
Hey, come on, please.
You want me to be A-W-O-L?
I forgot to write myself a pass.
Sarge!
Will you put me down, please?
I don't wanna get married!
Uh, no offense, Silver Dove.
"Dearly belovum..."
I forgot a ring.
He forgot a ring. I-I-I-I
don't have a ring. I...
Excuse me, one and all,
I-I have to go back to
Philadelphia and get a ring.
Nice trip, sir. Yes, thank you.
"Dearly belovum,
"many moons ago,
many, many, many,
many..." [WHOOSH]
[SCREAMS]
[♪♪♪]
Mishuaga, Minnehaha,
wapan, Wapaka.
Big showoff.
Hear this, all Hekawis.
I bring prophesy from
Happy Hunting Ground.
Spirit of wedding very angry.
This marriage without love,
and love greatest
of all tradition.
I gotta get out of here.
My blood pressure's
ready to pop.
Autumn night, spirit of
wedding will deliver true husband
for this bride.
[♪♪♪]
See, now spirit of
wedding be happy.
Hear me, oh, Hekawis.
Medicine man go
back to Great Spirit.
[FIRE CRACKLING]
Now, that's what I
call a medicine man.
Bah, him just flashy quack.
We have wise old Indian saying:
Ingalakahaka... manasha hoya.
What does that mean?
"If I wise old Indian, would I
have him for medicine man?"
[SCOFFS]
[♪♪♪]
There you are!
Big help you turned out
to be! What's the matter?
You asked me to stall the
wedding. Where were you?
Well, I got tied up.
You know how it is, hm.
It's a good thing I was there,
or the captain would
be married right now!
If it wasn't for me and...
devil face. Who's that?
You should have seen him, sarge.
That medicine man must
have been 12 feet tall,
sitting up on top
of a wild horse.
Smoke, flames
coming out of his nose.
I'm telling you,
he scared the heck
out of the Hekawis.
Didn't bother you, though none?
No, I don't take nothing
from no medicine man.
I stood right up to
him and I told him,
"I don't care if
you're 20 feet tall.
"There ain't gonna
be no wedding.
Not while my name is
Corporal Randolph Agarn."
Namashumahamakama.
Yeah, that's just...
Ah.
[CHUCKLES]
Goodnight, Randolph.
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[BUGLE PLAYS "YANKEE
DOODLE" OFF-KEY]
[♪♪♪]
Good morning. Good morning, sir.
Going someplace?
A scout patrol, sir.
The Hekawis has been
a little restless lately.
It's like sitting on a powder
keg with a sputtering fuse.
I thought they were
temporarily contained.
They're a tricky bunch, sir.
Agarn and me don't like the way
things are beginning
to smell up there.
Hut!
Hyah.
[BUGLE PLAYS "TAPS" OFF-KEY]
Vanderbilt, ooh, wait, wait.
The... The stake is over there.
Well, what was I aiming at?
The flagpole.
Oh, no wonder it looked so tall.
Well, your... Your distance
is just excellent, Vanderbilt.
Now, you just have to
work on your direction.
[♪♪♪]
Smell good, huh?
Phew, take a
whiff of that stuff.
Ugh!
You call this whiskey?
You call it whiskey.
Hekawi call it nazumahashamuma.
Why?
Uh, paleface translation,
"rat gut." Okay.
Medicine man
use for sick braves.
Not cure but make them
laugh even when it hurt.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Turn that booze
boiler off, will you?
WOMAN: Father?
Hello, Silver Dove.
Hi-yo, Silver.
Hello, sergeant, corporal.
What is it, my daughter?
Mama says come to tepee
and pound buffalo
steak for dinner.
We have buffalo again?
Not bad if marinated
in nazumahashamuma.
Hey, that stuff will
marinate the customers.
We have old Hekawi saying:
When field mouse see
shadow, time to string beads.
What's that mean?
Not know.
Nobody ever ask before.
[WHOOPING & GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]
Shugs, they kidnap daughter!
Well, them dirty, no good...
Hey, what are you trying
to do, wing Silver Dove?
Now, what's going on here?
Are you and the Shugs feuding?
War Cloud, that
son of Shug chief,
he want to marry my
little girl, but I say no!
Shugs not good enough to
lace moccasin of Hekawi maiden!
Sarge, just like
Romeo and Juliet.
What tribe they with?
Look, what are you
standing around for?
Why don't you get your
boys and go after them?
Peaceloving Hekawi fight Indian?
That's your job.
BOTH: Our job?!
Why you think we
made palefaced brother?
U.S. cavalry always
come to rescue.
[BUGLE PLAYS "TAPS" OFF-KEY]
Mm, that... That's
very good, Hannibal.
Well, you're getting
closer all the time.
"Taps" ain't much of a
compliment to my cooking.
Well, I'm sorry, Miss Jane,
but that's the closest
thing to eating music I know.
Wilton Parmenter,
look at your plate.
You ain't hardly
touched a thing.
Sure I have. You just piled
it too high to begin with.
I was hoping you'd get
so took with my cooking
you'd wanna eat it
the rest of your life.
That's very kind of you, Janie,
but what if I got transferred?
How would you ship it to me?
Oh, eat your dessert.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, excuse us for
busting in like this, captain,
but this is a real
emergency, sir.
Emergency?
It's a catastrophe. Mm.
[BUGLE PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Shugs have kidnapped
Wild Eagle's daughter,
and I'd like, with the
captain's permission,
to take the troop and fetch her.
I don't know. I'll have to look
that up in the Regulations Act.
Don't know if we're supposed
to rescue Indians from Indians.
Wilton, will you forget
that consigned book?
It'll be a great
chance to get in solid
with the ferocious
Hekawis, captain.
Well, I... I know that,
corporal. I know that.
But there... There
must be some...
Sergeant, I'll need your help.
And yours too, corporal.
Uh, but the troop?
They won't be needed.
I'll handle this
myself. You, sir?
But we can't take a
chance on losing you.
There'd be bloodthirsty Indians
lurking behind
every rock, captain.
Men, you're forgetting
the old cavalry saying:
There are two
sides to every rock,
and it takes all kinds of
Indians to make the West.
What does that mean?
I don't know. Nobody
ever asked me before.
Ah.
[♪♪♪]
Well, how do I look? Mm.
Well, begging the
captain's pardon,
like a sneaky Hiawatha.
Ah, I think you look
just fine, sir. Oh.
Hey, sarge, ain't you
kind of tall for an Indian?
Well, I'll walk on my
knees. Nobody will notice.
There's nothing to worry about.
In The Last of the Mohicans,
they did this sort
of thing all the time.
And it worked?
I... I don't remember that part.
I'm afraid we better
get going. Mm.
[SCREAMS]
[WHIMPERS] What's the matter?
Oh, it's me.
Oh, come on, Minnehaha.
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, look.
Indian attack!
Indians?
To the parapets, men!
[YELLING]
[ALL YELLING]
We're the Indians!
And we're friendly!
I got one! I got one!
Vanderbilt, you nut head!
It's me, Duffy!
Oh, excuse me, Duffy.
Ah!
Will you get off of the captain?
Everybody, let me go!
All right, get up.
Bunch of knuckleheads!
Come on, Agarn,
let's get the horses.
We... We're sorry, captain.
You ain't mad 'cause you
got jumped on, are you?
Oh, no, no, of course not.
It shows that F Troop
is courageous and alert.
All right, now, men, the
three of us are going out
to raid the Shugs.
And in case we
don't make it back,
I want you all to
remember that it's...
It's all part of
winning the West.
Uh, Private Dobbs, you'll
be in charge with the fort.
Well, thank you, sir.
Time to mount up, captain.
Oop!
Dobbs.
Dob...
[SIGHS]
You all right, sir? Yeah.
All right, here we go.
I must leave to post
lookout, Silver Dove.
Sleep without fear.
I am not afraid, War Cloud.
Good night.
I didn't know Indians kissed.
In The Last of the
Mohicans, they rub noses.
Yeah, well, that's why they
were the last of the Mohicans.
Heart Lips is leaving, captain.
Shall we rush him? No, no, no.
You two men, take
care of the guards.
I'll sneak in through
the back and get the girl.
Now, don't forget,
if you're spotted,
you're an Injun.
You betchum.
[POTTERY CLATTERING]
Shh.
Don't be afraid, Silver Dove.
You comum with me.
I am not going any place.
I have been kidnapped
enough for one day.
You cheat them on count.
I no cheat them on count.
Now... BOTH: Ibitty
bibitty sibitty sam
Ibitty sibitty kanaba
Kanaba in, Kanaba out
Kanaba over the waterspout
Out goes Y-O-U!
We with U.S. cavalry.
Cavalry. You, come.
Come.
Let's hurry up, captain.
It can get drafty around
here without your scalp.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
aren't you a little old
to be playing Indian?
Never mind about that.
Now, come on.
We're gonna go home.
I don't want to go home.
Well, your father
wants you to go home!
And I thought this
was a free country.
Come on, let's go.
We got her, corporal.
Hey, sarge! They're coming to.
Ibitty bibitty... We got no time
for "Ibitty bibitty sam."
[DRUMS PLAYING RHYTHMIC BEAT]
Wild Eagle happy
Silver Dove back in coop.
We drink.
Oh that... That... [GAGS]
It's smooth, huh, captain?
Uh, Miss Dove, may I have
the pleasure of this dance?
For shame, Wild Eagle,
your daughter rescued, and
you forget ancient Hekawi custom.
I not forget nothing.
Wedding of daughter take
place one week from today.
Hey, I didn't know Silver Dove
is gonna get married. Who to?
Reward for save Hekawi maiden.
Tradition say she
must marry captain.
The captain?! Listen, chief.
You'd better stay out of
that nashahashahamamuma.
What's...? What's our captain
got to do with your tradition?
Ah, very old. Go
back many moons.
Many, many, many,
many, many, many...
Stop with the moons.
Before sun come up.
Make arrangement for wedding.
Listen, Wild Eagle, you can't
make the captain get married.
He's not a redskin.
Him pinkskin. That close enough.
Well, it's against his religion.
He's a... A... A
confirmed bachelor.
Captain marry Silver
Dove, or we have big fight!
Fight, hah. You?
Ha-ha, the tribe that
invented the peace pipe.
We fight.
Tradition only thing
Hekawi fight for!
You would?
Even if we have to
hire Apache to do it.
Go get blanket for smoke signal.
Send out wedding announcement.
Uh, listen, chief.
Don't you say anything
to the captain about this.
Now, please, just...
Just let me handle it.
Okay, but you handle.
Move daughter to fort,
cook for captain, wash
clothes, one week engagement.
Then... big wedding.
They make lovely couple.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, you... You don't have
to cook for me, Silver Dove.
I've got an orderly for that.
It is part of Hekawi tradition.
Do you not like my cooking?
Oh, yes, yes, I... Why, I... I
love your... dried otter rump.
It's... It's even better than
your pickled rattlesnake.
This is my specialty. Candied
sumac and hawk giblets.
Oh that's... That's...
That's... I think... I think it
needs a little more seasoning.
I will go to the
kitchen and get some.
Uh, you'll find it in a jar
marked "bicarbonate."
[♪♪♪]
Hawk giblets.
I tell you, there
can't be a wedding.
The captain marries Silver Dove,
we might as well turn honest.
Why don't we tell them
he's got a wife in
Philadelphia and 20 kids?
Knucklehead, would you believe
the captain has got 20 kids?
Make it 19. I'll...
Sarge, I'm just trying to help.
Oh, big help, yeah.
If the captain gets
palsy with the Hekawi,
he'll find out they're
not so ferocious,
and that they're making
whiskey for our saloon.
What do you think
I'm worried about?
That will be the end of
O'Rourke Enterprises.
The saloon, the
laundry, the hotel,
the real estate
office on Boot Hill.
Boot Hill you can lose.
It's a nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't
want to live there.
Here comes some more trouble.
Oh, uh, Wrangler, I'm...
I'm sorry, but you can't see
the captain for a few days.
He's mapping out a
very important campaign.
Yeah, a special request
from... General Custer. Mm.
JANE: What's a tepee
doing on an army post?
[BABBLING]
Tepee? What tepee?
Oh, the Injun tepee.
Sarge, she means
the Injun tepee.
Yeah, well, that belongs
to the captain's
new housekeeper.
She's an Indian. Housekeeper?
What's he need a
housekeeper for?
Now, now... He's
got an orderly and me.
Now, wait a minute, Wrangler.
There's nothing to
get all riled up about.
She's one of them big, fat,
squaw-type housekeepers.
Yeah, well, I don't like
it nohow. Out of my way.
Wrangler, now, listen.
You can't go in there.
It's off-limits to
blond female civilians!
Wrangler!
What's she gonna
do when she finds out
the captain is getting married?
What's he gonna do when he
finds out he's getting married?
[KNOCKS]
Come in.
Oh, Janie, you're
just in time for dinner.
In time for? I
thought I brung it.
Baked quail. Shot it myself.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
S-say, would like some, uh,
hawk giblets and candied sumac?
To eat?
It's Silver's specialty.
Silver?
Wilton Parmenter, what do
you need a housekeeper for?
Well, I don't really.
It's just that I rescued
her from the Shugs,
and O'Rourke says
it's Hekawi tradition.
What's that got to do with it?
You ain't no Hekawi.
How fat is she anyway?
Silver? SILVER: Yes, captain?
[♪♪♪]
Housekeeper?
Yes, uh, Silver Dove,
I'd like you to meet
Jane Angelica Thrift.
She brought us some baked quail.
Us?
Thank you, Miss Thrift.
I'll put it in the
kitchen and cool it.
Yeah, you do that.
Wilton Parmenter, I
don't like this arrangement
one picayune little bit.
Get rid of her.
What? And make Wild Eagle mad?
Look, if I mess
up their tradition,
he's liable to get
ferocious again
and wipe out this whole fort.
Fiddle-faddle. But, Janie,
it's just part of
winning the West.
Yeah, well, you don't have
to do it one girl at a time.
"Fat housekeeper."
Oh, Janie, look...
[♪♪♪]
Here's the seasoning, captain.
She doesn't look fat.
[♪♪♪]
Will you stop
pacing up and down?
You make me nervous.
You asked me to
help, didn't you?
How am I gonna get that
chief to stop the wedding?
How?
Sarge! Huh? What?
A great idea!
What is it? You got one?
No, that's what we
need, a great idea.
You little pig.
Why, I should...
[DRUMS PLAYING RHYTHMIC BEAT]
What are you doing?
Listen to that beat. It's wild.
It's a message from the chief.
What does it say?
When are you gonna
learn how learn to read?
Gee, a night letter.
Wait a minute.
"Medicine Man check tradition.
"Wedding must take
place in full moon.
Tonight!"
Tonight?! [GASPS]
Sarge, what are we gonna do?
Wait a minute. There's more.
"Bring present."
I'll bring him a present.
Listen, you get the captain.
Take him up there,
but for Pete's sake,
don't let him know
it's his own wedding.
Now, just stall
until I get there.
Where are you going?
Where do you think I'm
going? To get a present.
Mm-hm.
[♪♪♪]
Hi, I come in peace.
Uh, where's your boss?
Him Ibitty. Mm.
Ibitty bibitty Sibitty sam
Ibitty bibitty Sam
Uh, whoa. Kanaba.
Ibitty bibitty Sibitty
sam [INDIANS GRUNT]
[♪♪♪]
Half hour long enough.
Call them tie.
I've never been to an
Indian wedding before.
Which one's the groom?
The groom? Oh, the groom.
[GULPS]
He's around here someplace.
[MUTTERS] I wish I
knew where sarge was.
CHIEF: Tug of war over.
You have other paleface
wedding tradition?
The paleface wedding tradition.
Well, once, we've had...
dancing around the maypole,
we've had, uh,
dunking for apples,
The potato-sack race,
the snipe hunt... And wait...
Musical chairs. Corporal.
Oh, captain, a wedding wouldn't
be legal without musical chairs.
Now, all of you, Hekawi
form one big, oblong circle...
CHIEF: Stop!
You hung them up long enough.
Wedding begin.
Start music.
A one, a two.
[PLAYING "WEDDING
MARCH" OFF-KEY]
You know, if this were any
other kind of a wedding ceremony,
I'd be standing exactly
where the groom should be.
Yeah, well, the Indians don't
do it that way no more, captain.
A whole new system.
Oh, yeah, well, where does
the groom usually stand?
[BABBLES] Oh, anyplace.
Sometimes, he
doesn't even show up.
[MUTTERS] Just like the sarge.
Yeah, I was just
telling the corporal
that I've never been this
close to a wedding before.
You never get any closer.
Who's the lucky man?
Me. Unload one daughter.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
CHIEF: Go ahead, doc.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Dearly belovum..." AGARN: Wait!
If you don't wanna play musical
chairs, how about charades?
Oh, it's a barrel of fun.
Be quiet!
What fun got to do
with get married?
"Dearly belovum..."
Wait.
Why didn't I think of it before?
A chess tournament!
Practically ain't no fun at all.
Corporal, you're really
getting out of line now.
This lovely girl should have
been married hours ago.
Ain't that the truth.
You're not to interfere again,
and that's an order.
Go ahead, doctor.
Some wedding.
Hope marriage last this long.
"Dearly belovum..." Not yet.
Groom move out of place.
Uh, who, me?
Heh-heh-heh. No, no.
No, no, I'm not the groom.
You not flower girl.
No, no, I'm...
No, no. Oh, now, wait a minute.
W-wait, no, there's...
There's been a
terrible mistake here.
No, no, I'm not getting married.
You save Hekawi,
you marry Hekawi.
Tradition.
Oh, look, chief,
your Silver Dove
i-is a lovely girl
and everything,
but what... She hasn't
even met my mother.
Back home in Philadelphia,
we believe in long engagements.
Why, I... I... I don't even
know you're daughter.
You get to be real good
friends on honeymoon.
"Dearly belovum..."
PARMENTER: Wait!
Uh, ch-chief...
Chi-chi... I'm sorry,
but I-I just remembered I
have to be back at the fort.
I'm the officer in charge, and
I have to make a bed check.
Uh, good night, heh.
Hey, come on, please.
You want me to be A-W-O-L?
I forgot to write myself a pass.
Sarge!
Will you put me down, please?
I don't wanna get married!
Uh, no offense, Silver Dove.
"Dearly belovum..."
I forgot a ring.
He forgot a ring. I-I-I-I
don't have a ring. I...
Excuse me, one and all,
I-I have to go back to
Philadelphia and get a ring.
Nice trip, sir. Yes, thank you.
"Dearly belovum,
"many moons ago,
many, many, many,
many..." [WHOOSH]
[SCREAMS]
[♪♪♪]
Mishuaga, Minnehaha,
wapan, Wapaka.
Big showoff.
Hear this, all Hekawis.
I bring prophesy from
Happy Hunting Ground.
Spirit of wedding very angry.
This marriage without love,
and love greatest
of all tradition.
I gotta get out of here.
My blood pressure's
ready to pop.
Autumn night, spirit of
wedding will deliver true husband
for this bride.
[♪♪♪]
See, now spirit of
wedding be happy.
Hear me, oh, Hekawis.
Medicine man go
back to Great Spirit.
[FIRE CRACKLING]
Now, that's what I
call a medicine man.
Bah, him just flashy quack.
We have wise old Indian saying:
Ingalakahaka... manasha hoya.
What does that mean?
"If I wise old Indian, would I
have him for medicine man?"
[SCOFFS]
[♪♪♪]
There you are!
Big help you turned out
to be! What's the matter?
You asked me to stall the
wedding. Where were you?
Well, I got tied up.
You know how it is, hm.
It's a good thing I was there,
or the captain would
be married right now!
If it wasn't for me and...
devil face. Who's that?
You should have seen him, sarge.
That medicine man must
have been 12 feet tall,
sitting up on top
of a wild horse.
Smoke, flames
coming out of his nose.
I'm telling you,
he scared the heck
out of the Hekawis.
Didn't bother you, though none?
No, I don't take nothing
from no medicine man.
I stood right up to
him and I told him,
"I don't care if
you're 20 feet tall.
"There ain't gonna
be no wedding.
Not while my name is
Corporal Randolph Agarn."
Namashumahamakama.
Yeah, that's just...
Ah.
[CHUCKLES]
Goodnight, Randolph.
[♪♪♪]