F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 14 - The 86 Proof Spring - full transcript

Captain Parmenter is determined to find the Hekawi's whiskey supply that O'Rourke has stashed at the fort.

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Sarge.

Sarge.

Hey, what is it?

Smoke signal from the Hekawi.

Yeah, it's a message for us.

Well, what does it say?



When are you gonna
learn how to read smoke?

I can't even learn
to read tom-toms.

Wait a minute.

"Big trouble.

"Still broke.

No whiskey."

Ugh.

Well, there goes our
supply for the saloon.

No, no. We gotta get up there

and get that still
fixed and fixed quick.

We can water the
whiskey for awhile,

but start watering the water,

they might get suspicious.

Get the horses.

Now, what's the
matter with you, chief?

Can't you fix a little still
when it breaks down?

Please, please, not so loud.

Wake up this morning
with big headache.

Listen, we're partners,

but we can't make any money

if you keep drinkin'
up all the product.

Besides, I keep telling ya,

Indians ain't suppose to drink.

Paleface propaganda.

Indian drink long
before white man.

Yeah?

You think we sell New York
Island for $24 if we sober?

All right, but anyway
gather all their stuff up

and pack it on the horse.

Mm?

Well, we can't fix it here.

We'll take it to the post.

We gotta get a
lot of parts in town.

You mean, you're
gonna bring a still...

[LAUGHS] on the post?

I'm gonna bring
a still on the post.

We're gonna clean
out the NCO club.

Get rid of all the merchandise.

Hide the still in there
until we get it fixed.

Now, pack it up, will ya?

Come on.

[LAUGHING]

VANDERBILT: Ringer.

I got a ringer.

I heard it hit.

Well, not exactly, Vanderbilt,

but you... You
keep on practicing.

MAN: Captain!

Colonel Watkins is
approaching the gate.

PARMENTER: Uh, Colonel Watkins.

It's good to see you, sir.

[SIGHS]

Parmenter, I will
come right to the point

of a very serious matter.

Oh?

We have positive proof

that the Indians in this locale

have been obtaining liquor.

Your orders, captain:

Find the source of that liquor,

and when you do...

destroy it.

Yes, sir.

Now, I am going to
remain on this post

until the mission
is accomplished.

I don't have to elaborate

on what could happen
to you, captain, if you fail.

Oh, well, I... I won't, sir.

No, I won't fail you.

Well, with the help
of Sergeant O'Rourke

and Corporal Agarn,
my most trusted men,

the source of the whiskey
will be found and destroyed.

Right this way, sir.

You can count on us, sir.

Good, good.

Uh, Private Dobbs.

Show colonel
Watkins to his quarters.

Yes, sir, right this way, sir.

Just one minute.

What is that under that blanket?

A horse, sir I can see that.

But what's he carrying?

It looks like some
sort of copper tubing.

[STAMMERING] Yes, sir.

Copper tubing, that's
what he's carrying.

Sir, we're planning to
build a hot-water heater.

Hot water for the
man's bath, sir.

Good.

Good.

A clean soldier
is a happy soldier.

Dobbs.

Ah, a hot water heater?

Well, yeah, we were
gonna surprise you sir.

We wanted you to have t-the...

The very first bath.

Why, that's...

That's very considerate
of you, sergeant.

Thank you, but, uh,
back to our objective.

Now, if there
is an illegal still

someplace in town,
I intend to find it.

We'll make a house
to house search.

Sergeant, you alert the men.

Yes, sir.

[METAL CLANGS]

Mission completed, sir.

This town is as clean
as a hound's tooth.

Sergeant.

Gee, if it isn't in town, I
wonder where it could be.

You know, once we
was looking for Agnes,

one of our chickens,

and we searched
high and low for her.

And you know where
we finally found her?

Right in the chicken coop.

Well, when I'm
looking for chickens,

I'll remember that.

Wilton, what I'm
trying to say is

why not look on the post?

A still? On the post?

Well, you've
looked all over town.

Only logical place it
could be is on the post.

No, no. Leave to a woman
to be illogical about logic.

Captain, I mean
a still on the post?

It just isn't impossible.

I looked all over town.
The only logical place

it could be is on the post.

And we've search everywhere
except the NCO club.

Captain, sir, surely
you don't think...

Oh, you don't think that, sir.

I'm... I'm not accusing
anybody of anything.

It's just that someone
might have thought

this was a clever
place to hide it.

Not many men go in there.

We must remember rules.

NCO club is strictly
off limits to officers.

No one allowed but the noncoms.

That's right, captain.

So it is.

O'ROURKE: To put
your mind at ease, sir.

Corporal Agarn and I,

will give this place
a thorough search.

You will? Yes, sir.

Oh, good men. Ah.

You see any still?

No, uh... Do you see any still?

No... let's go.

Corporal, aren't you
ashamed of yourself?

We promised to give this
place a thorough search.

Ahem, that's thorough enough.

Let's go.

Not a sign of it, sir.

Just like I said,
a still on the post,

I mean that's, uh...
It's not possible.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Oh, sir, we just dropped by...

Ah-ha! Ah-ha, sir?

Right here, wait, wait.

Right here in the manual,

page 82, article number 364-A,

it clearly states, "In
cases of emergency

"the commanding
officer of a post

is permitted in the NCO club."

He is?

He is?!

But, uh, sir, there's
no emergency.

The colonel said if I don't
find where the Indians

are getting their whiskey,
there will be an emergency.

Oh, but, sir, we've
searched our club.

I know that, sergeant.

I know that, but...

But also right here in
the manual on page 12,

number 36-B, it
also clearly states,

"Officers are more
efficient than noncoms."

You might have overlooked that.

Besides, when an
officer has a job to do,

he must do it himself.

Wait a minute, sir, I just
remembered something.

Yes, I'm positive.

Article 364-dash-A on
page 82 has been revised.

I think you'll find the
revision on page 102

under article 3-dash-C.

Really? Yes.

We wouldn't want to
do anything non-military.

I mean, we must go by
the manual, mustn't we, sir?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Here, I'll... I'll check it.

Still.

Uh, 102?

Mm, it's, uh, under
the fine print there, sir.

Ah, here it is, page
102, number 3-C.

"Sunrise, how to determine
it for shooting people at."

Sir, are you sure that
this is the latest edition

of the manual?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, yes, of course.

What am I thinking of?

In the new manual,

it's on the page
212, numbers 8, 3, 4.

Oh.

I-I-I could have sworn
it was on page 212,

number 8, 3... No, no, no.

Uh... it's on page
67, number 4-B.

[PANTING]

Right glad the captain asked
me to show you 'round, colonel.

I am not on a pleasure
tour, young man.

I'm looking for a still.

Steel?

Still!

[SPLASH]

[KNOCKS]

PARMENTER: Come in.

Well, I'm sorry
about that, captain.

I... I guess I was wrong
about those revisions.

Certainly, no reason that
you can't go to the NCO club.

Is there?

Of course, you won't
find a still there, sir.

We'll see.

Well, you're right,
no sign of a still.

Yes, a nice space
you have there,

kind of makes me
wish I weren't an officer.

Oh, well...

I see you haven't
unloaded the parts

for the hot-water heater yet.

Well, uh, looking for that still

has kept us awfully busy, sir.

Hm, true, true.

Vanderbilt, when
are you gonna learn

how to wear a hat? Huh.

Man, something's
happened to this water.

Sure has.

Didn't I tell you fellas right?

Ain't this the best
water you ever had?

It's results that count,
captain, not excuses.

I want the source of that
whiskey found at once.

I'm doing my best, sir.

You'd better make it
better than your best.

[SOLDIERS CHATTERING]

Attention!

At ease, men, at ease.

Very tasty.

The only good thing I've
found around the post:

the water.

Shh.

You know, we really got it made.

Searched the place once,

he'll certainly never
search it again.

WATKINS: Now,
that's what I call water.

Some of the men around here
are gettin' dumber than ever.

Now, they're ravin'
about the water.

Not so dumb.

I chucked those two
kegs of whiskey in the well.

You did what?

Well, I had to get rid
of 'em somewhere.

[LAUGHING]

More of this tasty water, sir?

Thank you, captain.

I'll pour.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Now, about that still, sir.

Now, don't you worry.

I'll just... I'll keep
looking until I find it.

What still?

[LAUGHING]

You know, I like you, boy.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[PLAYING "REVEILLE" OFF-KEY]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Corporal, call the
troop to attention.

[YELLS]

At ease, men, at ease.

Captain, if you don't
get to the bottom of this...

This fantastic occurrence,

I will have you shot at sunrise.

Oh, would you?

Hey, captain,

what are you
dressed like that for?

Darn it, sergeant,
you recognized me.

But why the disguise, captain?

I'm going up to the Hekawi
camp and ask a few questions

and look around, you know.

Maybe I can find out where
they're getting their whiskey.

Uh, I wouldn't do
that if I were you, sir.

Why the Hekawi's post
their most ferocious warriors

along that shortcut.

Shortcut? Yeah.

It forks off at the
big rock up there.

Well, sergeant, until I return,

F Troop is in your hands.

What an officer.

Hm.

But, sarge,

that ain't the shortcut
to the Hekawi camp!

I know, that's the long way.

You're gonna take the shortcut.

Get up there and
tell Chief Wild Eagle

to keep his big trap shut

about the firewater.

Yeah, but, sarge...

For once, will you do it my way?

Hi, Wilton.

Darn it, Janey,
you recognize me.

Why you dressed
up like that for?

Well, I'm gonna go
up to the Indian village.

Maybe I can get them to talk

about where they're
getting their whiskey?

Well, you sure are
goin' the long way?

Oh?

Sergeant O'Rourke
said this was a shortcut.

He knows better than that.

Why would he tell me
this was a shortcut?

I wonder if they're trying
to keep something from me.

Chief Wild Eagle?

You don't know
where an old trader

could get a little drink
of firewater, do you?

Wild Eagle not know
what you talking about,

Captain Parmenter.

Darn it, chief,
you recognize me.

I come in peace.

Okay, peace.

But Hekawis not have firewater.

Don't you know, Indians
not supposed to drink?

Uh, do you mind if I ask
the medicine man about it?

Powwow all you want.

Uh, doctor?

Please, can't you
see me with patient?

Make appointment first.

Ah, tongue not forked.

How come you no tell truth?

Me good brave.

Me tell truth, I no steal horse,

no steal blanket,
no steal bear meat.

If you say so, but
you look plenty pale.

You take medicine.

Sometime medicine
man plenty smart.

Medicine he gave loosen tongue.

Make Crazy Cat tell truth.

The medicine makes
him tell the truth?

Medicine yum-yum?

Yum-yum.

MEDICINE MAN: You
steal something lately?

Me steal horse,
me steal blanket,

me steal bear meat,
me steal buffalo meat.

Come, we lock
him up in iron tepee.

Come in.

Oh, you wanted to see us, sir?

Yes, yes, come in.
Come in have a seat.

And, uh, have a some of
this new tonic I came across.

It's very refreshing.

Well, no, thank you, sir.

Not, uh... Not just now for me.

Don't mind if I do, sir.

Thank you.

Did you find out anything
up at the Hekawi camp, sir?

No, no, I couldn't
learn a thing.

Very tasty, captain.

Fine, fine. Would you
say it was yum-yum?

Yum-yum?

Yeah, you could say that, sir.

Good, good.

Well, the reason
I asked you here

was to tell you that I
haven't found the still, yet.

Oh, what a shame, sir?

Well, we've certainly
searched high and low,

haven't we, Agarn?

You know, I've
been thinking though,

maybe one of you men
came across a still some place

and then forgot about it.

Well, captain, that
doesn't make any sense.

I mean, you couldn't
possibly run across the still

and then just forget about it,

now, could you, sir.

I don't know about that.

Have you seen a still hidden
around some place, corporal?

I sure have. Agarn.

Where?

We've got the
prettiest little still

you ever did see
right in our NCO club.

Captain, this man
is out of his mind.

He doesn't know
what he's saying?

He is drunk.

What...? What have
you put in that tonic, sir?

Nothing, nothing.

It's a very delicious
drink, isn't it, corporal?

Yum-yum.

[LAUGHS]

Now, shall we go
have a look at that still?

But, captain, sir, I'm just...

Corporal Agarn, did not know
what he was talking about.

You will not find
a still in there.

The key, sergeant.

[STAMMERING] Oh, yeah, the key.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, maybe you're
right, sergeant.

He has been in the sun too long.

Yes, well, that's, uh...

That's what I said, sir.

Three braves sneak down
last night and take from club.

Yeah, but I still don't get it.

I mean, how did you
know that we were...

We see captain steal herbs
that make man tell truth.

WILD EAGLE: Me figure he
would give to you and make you talk.

We sure gotta
hand it to you guys.

Better you hand us whiskey.

Fix still.

That's gonna be hard to do.

We can't fix it here.

We sure can't take
it back to the fort

with that captain
snoopin' around.

Agarn, I tell you somethin',

we are in big, big trouble.

And that colonel's not
gonna leave the fort

until he finds out where
these guys are gettin' the stuff.

Besides, what're we gonna do?

MEDICINE MAN: I know what I do.

I go talk to happy
spirits of Mother Nature.

Talk to spirit of Earth,

spirit of running streams.

Maybe they bring us firewater.

Him one cuckoo medicine man.

Yeah, that he is.

But, uh, he just
gave me an idea.

A cuckoo idea, but
it just might work.

It's unbelievable, sir,

I have found out where
the Indians are getting

their whiskey from.

There it is, sir.

What?

Sergeant, that's only a spring.

Well, I thought so too, sir.

But just wait till you taste it.

Dobbs.

Mm-hm.

It's whiskey.

Captain.

[COUGHS]

Well, it looks
like a chaser, sir

but that's... That's
the real thing.

Incredible.

[STAMMERS] How?

Why, I don't know, sir.

But Mother Nature does
do some strange things

I mean, that's an 86-proof
spring before your very eyes.

Yes, sir, Mother Nature does
do some incredible things.

Well, there is only
one thing to do, captain.

This spring must be destroyed.

Sir, I came prepared
for any emergency.

We'll blow it up
immediately. Dobbs,

go get the dynamite.

C-captain, sir,

uh, are you...? I
could do it later

and take care of it for you.

Captain, please, sir.

I-I can take care of this later.

T-this could be very
dangerous, captain.

Captain, I'll just go see

if that dynamite... did its job.

Well done, captain.

My congratulations.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

Hey, chief.

Doc.

Agarn.

Hey, pal.

Where...? Where are you, p...?

Agarn, are you all right, pal?

Sure.

But, boy, does that
stuff have a kick!

Uh, message from
Chief Wild Eagle.

What's it say?

"Still fixed good. Much whiskey.

Love white brother."

[CHUCKLES]

They must be havin'
a real party up there.

How can you tell?

Every word misspelled.

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]