F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 16 - Iron Horse Go Home - full transcript

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Order!

All right, Agarn,
keep 'em goin'.

We gotta get rid
of that whole keg.

All right, now by the numbers.

Hut.

Two.



Three.

Four.

Order.

Ho.

Hoffenmueller!

You gotta stand at attention.

After 14 beers, this
is the best I can do.

We'll do the countin'.

Sarge, this beer
tastes awful flat.

It's just like your head.

You've been drinkin'
out of the flower vase.

Oh, no wonder the
head was so fuzzy.

Sarge, why do we have to spend

the whole rest
period drinkin' beer?

Because business
is rotten, that's why?

You're the only customers
I got in this saloon.

Sergeant O'Rourke,
can I be excused?

I gotta write a
letter to my mama.

You'll write better
after three more beers.

Three more beer... I
don't even like beer.

Well, then try the free lunch.

How come they
raises the free lunch

from a nickel to a dime?

Always complainin',
ain't you, Duffy?

Next thing you'll want
a free lunch for nothin'.

Men... [SCREAMS]

Attention!

Never mind that, corporal.

Men, I'm sorry to break in

on your rest period like this,

but we have to
get back to the fort

and get things
tidied up immediately.

W-what's the emergency, captain?

Company is coming,
my uncle, Jupiter.

Colonel Parmenter?

Old spit and polish?

Yeah, good old Uncle Jupiter.

When I was two years
old, I pulled his mustache,

and he tried to transfer
me out of the family.

What's he comin'
out here for, captain?

First transcontinental
railroad is coming.

My uncle's laying the
route. Let's go, men.

Hey, wait a minute, Agarn.

Did you hear that?

A railroad comin' through here.

Right through Fort Courage.

Sarge.

O'Rourke Enterprises
is gonna have costumers

from every corner
of the country,

hundreds of 'em.

Sarge!

This saloon'll make
thousands, millions!

What do you say to that?

They didn't pay
for the last round,

and we're out 70 cents.

[GRUMBLING]

[PLAYING "ASSEMBLY"]

All right, fall in
before you fall down.

Yoo-hoo, Vanderbilt.

The formation's over here.

Oh.

It's over there, fellas.

Old Eagle Eye.

Linin' up with the
horses again, huh?

I've been thinkin',
sarge... Well, don't.

We got a good thing
goin' with the Indians.

Are you sure you want the
railroad to come through?

What's the matter?
Are you kiddin'?

Iron horse comes
chug-a-lugging in here,

the customers'll be lined
up so deep at the bar,

I'll have to open a
branch over at the depot

to take care of the back row.

Wilton, you didn't have
to go to all this fuss.

Formal inspection
and an honor guard.

Well, this is F
Troop, Uncle Jupiter.

We do things by the book.

[AGARN SHOUTS COMMAND]

Honor guard ready, sir.

Honor guard, one pace forward.

Ho!

Ready.

Aim.

Fire.

O'ROURKE: Old
Eagle Eye Vanderbilt.

He should've stayed
with the horses.

Sir, F Troop is
ready for inspection.

Somehow I'd feel safer

if they were Comanches.

Inspection.

Arms.

Duddleson, let go.

[SHOUTS]

Captain Parmenter, this
man's missing a button.

Well, haven't you
found that yet, Hannibal?

Yes, sir, I found
it last Saturday.

You know where it was? No.

It was inside my bugle.

[CHUCKLING] No.

You found it inside...?

Yeah, well, sew it on!

Sew it on.

[SHOUTING COMMANDS]

At ease, men.

My uncle,

Colonel Parmenter, would
like to say a few words

about the railroad.

Men,

civilization is reaching
the American frontier.

Tracks for the first
continental railroad

are only 20 miles to the east.

And our work crews

may call on you for protection

from marauding Indians

as we push ever westward.

With your assistance,

I'm sure we will reach
our immediate objective,

Fort Laramie.

Fort Laramie?

Not Fort Courage?

Don't worry about it, sarge.

Why not? 'Cause that's my job.

I'll worry about it.

And I'll come up with somethin'.

And now I got two
things to worry about.

O'ROURKE: Well, colonel,
sir, there is your best route

into Fort Courage,

just through inkwell
and the sealing wax.

COL. PARMENTER: And what's
wrong with going passed the paper weight

and the letter opener
into Fort Laramie?

He just told you, uncle.

The paper weight
is the Comanches

and the letter opener
is the Chippewas.

I thought the letter opener
was the Shoshones?

No, no the apple are
the Shoshones, sir.

Oh, fierce, wild
tribes, all of them, yes.

Your work crews will
be wiped out to the man.

Yeah, I'm inclined to go
along with the sergeant, uncle.

Besides the way
through is a scenic route.

If I want scenery, I'll
send for Currier & Ives,

and you're forgetting
the Hekawis.

Oh, no, sir.

No, they're the ashtray.

Well they occupy the whole D5

between Calico Mountain
and Lake Minnepoka.

And from what I hear,

they can turn
hostile just like that.

No, sir, but that was
before your nephew got here

Him?

Since Captain Parmenter

has gotten the
Hekawis under control,

they tremble at the very
mention of his name.

Well, if it was
just his last name,

I could understand it.

Well, yours is a level route,

and we'll probably
save a lot of time.

All right, gentleman, you win.

We'll avoid the paper
weight and the letter opener,

and we'll route it
between the inkwell

and the sealing wax.

Right into Fort Courage.

I thank you, sir, and
we'll have those Hekawis

out of there in 24 hours.

Inkwell, sealing
wax, apple and all.

[COUGHS]

[QUIETLY] It
isn't very sanitary,

but it's part of
winning the West.

WILD EAGLE: Wait. Have question.

How come all of sudden
paleface want to sign peace treaty?

It's on account of the
railroad, Wild Eagle.

If Hekawis aren't friendly,

Great white uncle w...

Uh, Great white uncle
won't bring in iron horse.

What good iron horse to Hekawi?

We not go no place.

Chief, you sign the treaty,

and I'll send over my whole
troop to help you move,

any place else in the territory.

Move? Who say
anything about move?

You can't stay here.

There's a mountain
and a lake on either side.

Where do you think
we'll put the tracks?

We no move.

Hekawi Injuns, not gypsies.

This home of ancestors.

Hekawi tradition: we never move.

Not even if the government
gives you some money?

We move.

How much you pay?

I'm prepared to
pay a nominal sum.

Nominal.

Paleface word for "honeyfuggle."

Chief, we'll give you two
boxes of beads and $24.

Twenty-four dollars?

That's all we paid for the
whole island of Manhattan.

Dollar not buy so much now.

We not settle for $24.

Thirty-two fifty?

This 600 acres on lake.

Fishing, swimming, canoeing.

All right chief, we'll
make it an even $50.

We not take less
than $5 an acre.

Even then we get honeyfuggled.

Wait a minute, chief.

Chief, we'll pay the top
price for land in this territory:

Fifty cents an acre.

Five dollar.

Fifty cents, our final offer.

Well, you come up a little,

so we go down a little.

We take 50 cents.

Captain true friend.

[SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]

Well, the same to you, chief,

and have a nice trip.

This funny country.

Once only buffalo live here.

Injun come. Then paleface come.

Now paleface give $300 for land.

Injun take away from buffalo.

Could only happened in America.

Wilton, I must admit,

you handled that
Hekawi situation very well.

Thank you, uncle,

but it's all in the manual,

under "Indians: how to outwit."

Ah, you may turn out
be a Parmenter yet,

I'll be back as soon as
I've laid out the new route.

In the meantime, you be pre...

Captain, it's terrible.

It's just awful. What is?

Well... Bugler, it's 6:00.

Why aren't you blowing reveille?

Oh, but, sir, you don't know
where the Hekawis moved?

W-what's the difference?
This is a free country.

I told them they can settle
anyplace they wanted.

Well, they sure did, captain.

This is preposterous.

Who ever heard of an Indian
tribe living in an Army post?

Why not?

We sign peace treaty.

We friends.

You'll just have to be friends
someplace else, I'm sorry.

You tell Hekawi pick
anyplace he want.

This anyplace.

But this is government
property, you can't live here?

Injun live here before
government have property.

Who let 'em in
in the first place?

A whole tribe.

Sergeant.

Yeah.

Private Vanderbilt, sir.

He's on sentry duty.

Well, we'll just see about that.

Vanderbilt, this is
Captain Parmenter.

Come down here this instant.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, captain.

I guess I missed
the ladder again.

Why did you let those
Indians into the fort?

Indians?

I didn't see any Indians.

Hekawis. You let
the whole tribe in.

All right, Vanderbilt,
back to the tower.

If they keep you out
here long enough,

we'll wind up with
Geronimo in the White House.

Don't worry about it, uncle.

I'll look it up in the manual.

There's got to be
something under "Indians:

how to get them
out of the fort"?

Uh, Captain Parmenter,

I'll be back in 48 hours.

And when I return

I don't want to see
an Indian on this post.

They're the vanishing Americans.

Why don't they just vanish?

Just a minute.

Oh, captain, I tell
you, it's hopeless.

Why don't the troops
just chase 'em out.

We can't do that, corporal.

It's right here in the manual.

Indian Act of 1856.

"Indians who have been
relocated for the public good

cannot be moved again
without their consent."

Well, don't you worry, captain,

we'll think of somethin'.

Won't you, sarge?

I'm thinkin'!

Consent. Consent.

How do we get it? Hey, I got it.

See, we thought of something.

What'd we think of, sarge?

Those Indians want
our Army post to live on.

I'll give 'em an
Army post to live on.

Oh? Don't worry, captain.

I'll have 'em out
tomorrow morning

without fail.

How? Oh, how?

Captain, here's my plan.

Now, listen...

What's the matter
with that knucklehead?

I told him to blow
reveille at 4:00.

Four o'clock... a.m.?

In the morning?

There, we put our arms
through there, that's it.

Four o'clock? [BUGLE
PLAYING REVEILLE]

Sarge, who ever
heard of reveille

two hours ahead of reveille.

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

You're gonna wake up
every bird in the territory.

And free-loadin' Hekawis.
Are they gonna be mad!

Go on, lets go help 'em pack.

What a time to get up.

You're gonna lose
me before the Indians.

You oughta stop, Agarn.

Lets go find out just how
wild the Wild Eagle can be.

What's the matter, chief?

Couldn't anybody sleep?

Hekawi sleep like papoose.

Always get up with sun.

You mean that bugle
didn't wake you?

Sure last night, lullaby
wake up whole tribe.

Lullaby? You mean taps.

But we go right back to sleep.

Hekawi have wise
old Indian saying:

"When thorn of
blackberry grow on rock,

bullfrog sing like
crow in winter."

Now, what does that mean?

Hey, that's a nice little
sayi" if you like bullfrogs.

What's going on here, men?

Oh, This is the
Hekawi chow line, sir.

I told Wild Eagle if
they're gonna stay here,

they got to eat Army chow.

What?

We have to get them out of here.

My uncle will be back tomorrow.

If I were you, sir,
I wouldn't worry.

I've already dumped four
cans of this in the stew.

Pepper?

Oh.

Good thinking, sergeant.

All right, come and get it.

[SHOUTS]

There you are, Wild
Eagle, good old Army stew.

Army chow.

I hear it kill more
soldiers than Injuns do.

Ah, that's a vicious
rumor, Wild Eagle.

You go ahead and dig in.

You'll love it.

Mmm.

That better.

You mean, you like it?

Hekawi make good deal.

First, peace treaty ever
come with room and board.

[BELL DINGING]

Take it easy, ladies.

Hold it there.

Hold it.

I can only wait on
one of you at a time.

These squaws are
acting like wild Indians.

Prepare yourself
for a shock, captain,

H Troop is right
around the next tepee.

H Troop?

Wilton, don't forget
about our date tonight?

I'll pick you up at 7.

Ladies, please!

Take it easy, ladies.

Hold it, there. Hold it.

[SHOUTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]

There they are, captain.

H Troop ready
for inspection, sir.

Medicine man give physical

and pick eight
best men in tribe.

Are you sure they're
gonna hate this, sergeant?

They will.

Watch this.

I'll drill 'em right
into the ground.

Sir.

[SHOUTS COMMAND]

All right, you men
wanted to be in the Army.

Well, you better
look like soldiers.

Now that I'm on
command, you follow me.

By the left flank

with a half gait or somersault.

[SHOUTING]

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

What's the matter
with you meatheads?

Don't you understand English?

They still learning Hekawi.

You pipe down.

You're still at attention.

Who you telling pipe
down, two stripe?

By the left wing, turn.

Left face.

Right face.

Forward face.

What happened?

Sarge, get 'em back in line.

[SHOUTING]

All right. Now, follow me.

Forward march.

Hut, hut, hut.

Hut, hut.

Sergeant Wild Eagle.

[HEKAWIS CHATTERING]

WILD EAGLE: Quiet, quiet, quiet.

I still the sergeant.

Wild Eagle not like
this any better than you.

This not life for Injuns,
but plan is waiting.

One more day and
Sergeant O'Rourke be happy

to give us money to move.

Dirty double-crosser.

He's beginning to sound like me.

That's what happens
when you get a third stripe.

Hm, gonna two-time
the old master, is he?

Well, when I get
through with him,

they'll be glad to leave,

and it won't cost us a cent.

What did we think
of this time, sarge?

Agarn, you have just enlisted

in a private war.

All right, now,
that's the last one.

I want you to stay low,

but do a lot of
hoopin' and hollerin'.

We gotta make 'em think

there's at least
three tribes up here.

But, sarge, what if
we hit somebody?

Ain't it kinda like... treason?

We're gonna shootin'
straight up in the air.

Who could we hit?

Could land on us.

Just do what I tell
you, will ya, now?

Ah, that peace-lovin' crook.

Here. Hold this.

Now, all right, you
Hekawis, start packin'.

Hey, that's the best
shot I made all day.

Thems are arrows.

I-Injun attack!

[PLAYS "CHARGE"]

To the parapets, men.

Charge!

Charge!

Hurry, sergeant, we need
all the help we can get.

You get help someplace else.

I just give H Troop
furlough for duration.

Not in here, out there.

Sarge, you could
get killed out here.

Oh, how can it be any safer.

This is where they're aimin'.

See?

What about that?

Ah, stop worryin'.

Probably Vanderbilt
aimin' at somethin' else.

Dobbs, the cannon!

[YELLS]

Aw, the knuckleheads.

They knocked the
tower down again.

There they are men.

[HOLLERING]

They finally came
out in the open.

Mow 'em down.

Agarn, will you be a
little more careful, please?

Don't look at me.

This thing don't shoot arrows.

O'ROURKE Hey, it's the Shugs.

What a time for
an Indian attack.

Come on, let's go.

Things got a little too hot
around here for ya, huh, chief?

Them Shugs is pretty
tough customers, ain't they?

Wives tougher customers.

Learn too fast
from white squaws.

Spend all wampum
with Wrangler Jane.

Braves have to wash
dishes, clean tepees,

sit with papooses.

Well, Wild Eagle,
that's civilization

That's your problem,
and you stuck with it.

We move.

Pack.

Go.

Scourge of the West.

Scourge of the
Parmenters is more like it.

But the Indians
are out of the fort.

What did I do wrong?

You survived basic training.

I'm gonna return
to the railroad camp.

We'll use the original
route through Laramie.

B-but, uncle!

But, sir, we got
the Indians to move.

Twice.

COL. PARMENTER: That you did.

You certainly did get
the Hekawis to move.

Now, there's nothing to prevent
us from bringing the railroad

right into the town
of Fort Courage.

Well, then, sir,
what's the problem?

How do we get 'em out again?

The Hekawis have
set up their village

on the other side of the town,

right in the path
of the railroad.

Well, uncle, why don't we
just get them move again.

AGARN: How 'bout
buildin' a bridge?

A beautiful view of the lake.

O'ROURKE: Or maybe
we can dig a tunnel

under the Hekawis, sir.

PARMENTER: Uncle Jupiter.

Uncle Jupiter!

Hey, uncle?

Why can't the train

go right through
the Hekawi village?

Maybe they won't mind if
you don't toot your whistle.

Uncle?

[HORSE GALLOPING AWAY]

Well, there goes
our first million

right down the railroad track.

Well, we gotta
make it up somehow.

Wait a minute, where you goin'?

The saloon.

For what?

I'm gonna raise the
price on the free lunch.

Yeah.

Hut.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Order.

Beer.

What happened to Vanderbilt?

He was wearing his glasses.

He's probably lost.

Numbskull.

Vanderbilt!

O'ROURKE: Vanderbilt, can't
you get to these formations on time.

I'm sorry, sergeant.

I couldn't get
across the street.

I was held up by the train.

A train?

You can't see anything,
and now you're seeing things.

[TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS]

Now I'm hearin' things.

[WHISTLE CONTINUES]

It is a train.

[LAUGHING]

All right, all right, come on.

You're in the cavalry.

Back to the bar.

[♪♪♪]