F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 13 - O'Rourke vs. O'Reilly - full transcript
A woman comes to town and takes over O'Rourke's saloon.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
AGARN: Hey, sarge.
We're running low on water.
That's all right.
We only got a couple
of bottles or whiskey left.
Agarn...
are you sure you
locked the back door?
I think I locked it.
Y-you think... You
think you locked it?
Hey, take it easy,
Pete. I'm sorry, boss.
I guess I'm getting
a little jumpy.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
You got nothing to worry about.
Nobody knows
you own this saloon.
Everybody in
town thinks I own it.
We're not doing nothing wrong.
We're just putting the
chaser in the bottom.
We've eliminated the middleman.
[♪♪♪]
Thank you.
Eh, those Indians sure
know how to make whiskey.
I'd hate to get hit by an arrow
dipped in that stuff.
[CRIES OUT]
I think that's the best
batch the Hekawi ever sent.
The last shipment had...
just a taste of moccasin.
We haven't had complaints
from customers, have we?
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
And you never will.
It's 109 miles to
the next saloon.
And every one of them 109 miles
is hot and thirsty.
[EXHALES]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Hey. Wonder what that is.
Oh.
Oh, uh, howdy, ma'am.
Howdy.
Always happy to help
a stranger in town.
Oh, that's very
kind of you. Um...
Oh, O'Rourke's the name, ma'am.
Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke.
Name's O'Reilly. Lily O'Reilly.
[IRISH ACCENT] Well, begosh and
begorra now. A daughter of the old sod.
A chip off the old
Blarney Stone.
I'd like you to meet
my pal, Corporal Agarn.
Nice to meet you.
Now, what can an
O'Rourke do for an O'Reilly?
[IRISH ACCENT] Begorra, you could
be showing me to the real estate office.
Right on the
corner there, ma'am.
You just ask for
Clem Witherspoon.
Thank you.
You planning to buy
a house in these parts.
Yes, I'm going to
set up business here.
Oh, how nice.
Just what this town
needs, a little dress shop.
Oh, no. I'm opening a saloon.
Saloon?
We're the O'Reillys
from County Cork.
[♪♪♪]
[UNABLE TO SPEAK]
Sarge.
Get that bugle and go down
in the weeds someplace,
and try to learn
something besides "Dixie."
There you...
Hey. Well, what
did you find out?
O'Reilly's got it.
She leased the boarding house
across the street
from your place,
and she's turning
it into a saloon.
You mean to tell me
that Clem Witherspoon
let me down and
rented her that place.
Now, don't blame Clem.
O'Reilly's a beautiful woman.
He held out as long as he could.
How long was that?
Till she walked
through the door. Ah.
What kind of a
lease did he give her?
Ninety-nine years, with
an option for 99 more.
I don't understand it.
A grown man allowing
a woman to twist him
around her little
finger like that.
It's easy.
Sarge, have you taken a
good look at her fingers?
She's not in business yet.
Still needs a permit
to sell liquor in the area
from the military governor.
That would be Captain
Parmenter. Right.
And he's not gonna give her one.
What make you so sure?
Because I'm gonna
have a talk with him.
Hey, Agarn. Yeah, sarge.
Come here. I got an idea.
[SPEAKS INAUDIBLY]
Got you, sarge.
Just give me a couple
minutes before you come in.
Right.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Captain.
Sergeant.
Is, uh, everything
all right, sir?
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Everything's fine, sergeant.
[STUTTERS]
I've... Oh.
I got my hand caught
in this cookie jar.
Here, let me help
you, sir. Let's see now.
Oh, whoop, whoop.
Let's open up the fist.
Ah. There we go.
Oh. Thank you, sergeant.
You all right?
Captain, there's something
I'd like to discuss with you
that affects the
troop's welfare.
Certainly. You
care for a cookie?
Uh, no. Thank you.
You see, this woman has
come to town, and she...
Let me help you, sir.
Uh, the fist again, sir.
Yeah. There you go. Thank you.
Sir, I think you
better give up sweets.
You're... You're
getting a fat hand.
Well, what were you saying?
Oh, yes.
Well, there's this woman,
see, who's comes to town,
and she wants to
open up another saloon.
And if there's one thing
that this town does not need,
it's another saloon.
Well, I see nothing
wrong in that.
This country's built
on free enterprise.
Well, you're looking at a
great believer in free enterprise,
but I just don't think this
town needs another place
of temptation for sinners.
Hm. I never
thought of it that way.
Maybe we should close
the saloon we have now.
Oh, no, no, sir.
Well, it's just that
I think we're a...
A one-sin town.
Nevertheless, if drinking
is such a problem here,
maybe I should revoke
the saloon's permit.
What, and endanger the
lives of women and children?
Now, why do women and
children need a saloon?
Snakebite, sir.
There isn't a snake
within 50 miles.
Well, of course not.
That's why the snakes
don't come here.
They know that we have a saloon.
Oh.
Happy New Year!
Look, sir.
Can you imagine the
condition this man would be in
if we had two
saloons in this town?
Corporal Agarn, you're drunk.
If you think I'm drunk,
you ought to see my horse.
Yahoo!
Corporal, you
know the regulations
concerning drinking on duty.
Who are you?
Commanding officer.
It's a pretty big job. You
think you can handle it?
Now, you see, sir,
why you can't issue a
permit to Lily O'Reilly
for another saloon.
Another saloon!
Happy New Year!
You're absolutely
right, sergeant.
It could destroy the
morale of the whole troop.
I knew you'd handle
the situation properly, sir.
Captain?
Got a drink? No.
Always thinking of your men.
Just a little drink?
No, corporal.
General Grant
would give me a drink.
We need more
officers like you, sir.
[GRUNTS]
Give... Give me that.
That's my cookie...
Now. Give me...
Captain. Eh, captain...
I can assure you...
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Open up the fi... That's it.
I can assure you, sergeant,
that I'm not going
to issue anyone
a permit for another
saloon in Fort Courage. Huh.
[♪♪♪]
You're not gonna
be any fun at all.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
What's that?
I don't know, sir.
[QUIETLY] Hey.
Ah, you must be
Captain Parmenter.
Ha. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, I'm Lily O'Reilly.
I've come to ask
for a liquor permit.
How soon do you want it?
Oh, by the way, when
does this is permit expire?
Ninety-nine years.
But I'll give you an
option for 99 more.
Thank you.
Good day.
[SIGHS]
Any sign of her yet?
Sarge, you really
think you'll be able
to talk the O'Reilly gal
out of opening that saloon?
Listen, there hasn't
been a woman born
that I can't handle.
Well, she ain't like
most other women.
Where they end, she's
just getting started.
Yep. You leave her to me.
Now look, here's
I want you to do.
[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
Huh? Uh...
Oh. Hi, Wrangler.
Hi.
Have you seen Doc Martin?
I think he's over
at the Johnsons'
treating the goat
for colic, why?
I want him to take
a look at Wilton.
What's the matter with captain?
I don't know.
He just sits there in his
chair with his mouth open
and his eyes staring
straight ahead, mumbling,
"Ninety-nine years, and
an option for 99 more."
I just can't figure it out.
Grown men behaving
like lovesick cows,
just because a
not-too-ugly gal comes to...
All right, now, pull yourself
together and remember our plan.
Well, good afternoon
Miss O'Reilly.
Good afternoon,
Sergeant O'Rourke.
What was that you
said, Corporal Agarn?
Y-you can't talk like
that about a lady.
Oh, really.
Sergeant, I... All right.
You asked for it.
Well, perhaps that
will teach him a lesson.
And now, uh, if you'd
care to step inside,
I'll buy you a drink to
settle your jangled nerves.
I'm sure that...
you're not used to
such things as this,
being the genteel
person that you are. Oh.
Won't you, uh, sit
right there, please.
Thank you.
Bartender, make us two whiskeys.
Make it fast.
Coming right up, sergeant.
Well, I certainly hate
to see a thing like that
happen to a nice lady like you.
Really not sure I
know what happened.
Course, it shouldn't
surprise me.
This is no town for you.
It isn't?
There you are, sergeant.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
What a toast. To a lovely lady.
And may she find a
town that deserves her.
Oh, I think I've already
found that town, sergeant.
Oh.
Here's to Fort Courage.
Well, I guess you'd
have found out
about it sooner or later.
Find out about what?
The widow. What widow?
The Widow Brown.
Who's Widow Brown?
Well, she, uh...
She owns this place.
Has 16 children, no husband.
He's dead.
Yeah, that's why we call
her the "Widow Brown."
Good thinking.
If you were to open a
place across the street,
you might the Widow
Brown out of business.
She'd have nothing
but 16 hungry children.
No husband.
And that's why you
call her "Widow Brown."
Yeah, that's right. Hm.
Mm.
Woo.
I'm surprised she's
been in business this long
serving this kind of whiskey.
What's the matter
with that whiskey?
Well, for one thing, it
tastes like a wet moccasin.
Uh, bartender.
PETE: Yeah, sergeant.
What seems to be the trouble?
The lady is complaining
about the whiskey.
She says it tastes awful.
Now get us a
bottle of your best.
Boss... you know the
only whiskey we got
is what them Indians
make, and... Uh...
[GROANS]
My.
This has been an
interesting conversation.
Now, just a minute.
I'd like to invite you
to the opening of
my saloon, sar...
Or should I say,
"Widow" O'Rourke.
Feel free to bring
the 16 kiddies.
[♪♪♪]
Put more wood on fire.
Move faster on corn.
Time to change moccasins.
Hi, chief.
Hi, sergeant.
How are things, chief?
Oh, good.
Put two more squaws
on corn husking.
Nice to see Honeysuckle
Rose back on kernel mashing.
WILD EAGLE: Oh,
she perfect for job.
Only squaw in
tribe with flat feet.
Chief, could we talk to
you in private for a minute?
Sure. Step into my office.
Keep up the good work, girls.
Go, Honeysuckle, go.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SNIFFS]
Pull up deer skin and sit down.
Want to try new
batch of whiskey?
No, thanks. I'm riding.
Good thinking.
I've got to come right
to the point, chief.
We are in big, big trouble.
AGARN: Somebody's opening
a saloon across the street.
You know what this
could mean to us?
We'll have to go
back to being soldiers.
Worse for us. We have to
go back to being Indians.
This new saloonkeeper
is a woman.
Squaw?
[LAUGHING]
Then what is problem?
We run her out of business.
Chief. This ain't your ordinary,
everyday, corn-stomping,
basket-weaving squaw.
Squaw is squaw.
O'ROURKE: I'm glad you
feel that way about it, chief,
because she found out that
you're making our whiskey,
and she's bound to come
up here to buy some from you.
AGARN: And if
don't sell her any,
that will put the squeeze on.
It will take her months to get
a shipment from back East.
No problem. No problem.
Hekawis knows how
to take care of squaw.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Hey, what's that?
Me not know. Go see.
Oh, you must be
Chief Wild Eagle.
I'm Lily O'Reilly.
Well, won't do
you any good here.
You're not gonna
get any whiskey.
Why don't we let
the chief decide?
All right.
Chief, I'd like to make
an agreement with you,
where you become
my whiskey supplier.
Go ahead, chief. Tell
the squaw, no deal.
How soon you want it?
LILY: Immediately.
Oh, and chief.
How long can I, uh,
count on you to
keep this agreement?
Ninety-nine years,
with option for 99 more.
Nice going, chief.
LILY: By the way, O'Rourke,
I plan to, uh, move my
location of my saloon.
Yeah, the next
territory, I hope.
No. No. Just across
the street. Your place.
My place?
Well, O'Rourke, you wouldn't
want me to tell the army
that you own the
saloon, now, would you?
O'Reilly, that's blackmail.
Yes, it is, isn't it?
Why don't you drop by tomorrow?
Drinks are on the house.
[CLICKS]
[MUTTERING]
Look at that, will you.
AGARN: It's been like that
ever since O'Reilly took over.
It has, huh?
One guy was standing in
line 12 hours before he got in.
Agarn, nobody stands in line
12 hours to get into a saloon.
Don't tell me, sarge.
I was standing right behind him.
You mean, after
what O'Reilly did to me
that you went into her saloon?
I'm was a spy, sarge!
Oh. Well, what did
you see in there?
Another line at the bar.
But once you get in,
you only have to wait six hours.
LILY: Well, Sergeant O'Rourke.
I was wondering when you
were going to drop by, sergeant.
Corporal Agarn's
been in already.
Haven't you, corporal?
You're not gonna get
away with this, O'Reilly.
Now really, Sergeant O'Rourke,
I thought you'd be pleased
to see a daughter of
the old sod doing well.
The only thing that
would please me
is to see you buried
in that old sod.
[IRISH ACCENT] Gosh and begorra,
I never thought I'd
hear that from the lips
of a lovable Irish lad like you.
Yeah, you're gonna
hear a lot more.
You mark my words. I'm gonna
run you out of this town, O'Reilly.
For that, you'd have to
join a temperance league.
[♪♪♪]
Agarn.
Sarge.
Where can I get a
tambourine and a drum?
[BEATING DRUM]
[STOPS PLAYING]
Sarge, if this works,
this town will be bone dry.
Not for long.
Once we get the saloon
closed and O'Reilly out of town,
we'll form a... A league
for "back to barleycorn."
Oh, no.
Leave this to me, will you?
[LOUDLY] All right, now.
Let's hear a little drum
over there, Dobbs.
[DRUMROLL] Come on.
Some tambourine, Agarn.
Gather around
friends. Gather around.
Hear the good word.
Hit me with a little more
drum and tambourine.
[DRUM ROLL]
Yes, sir, I want you to
take a pledge for me today.
Friends...
this is the day we
save your souls.
Save them from the
evils of demon rum.
Hit me with a little more
drum and tambourine.
[DRUM ROLL]
Our beloved little town has been
taken over by a wicked
woman of wicked ways.
I want you to look at that
line in front of the saloon.
And on a Sunday morning.
We used to have that
line in front of our church
before Lily O'Reilly
came to town.
Hold the tambourine, Agarn.
I ask all of you now to
take the pledge with us.
To rid Fort Courage
of its sinfulness.
All right, men.
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ We will come rejoicing ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ We will come rejoicing ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ We will come rejoicing ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
Uh...
Brothers and sisters,
here is our leader.
The only man who has the power
to close Lily O'Reilly's
temple of wickedness.
Hallelujah, brothers!
Nice to see you've
reformed, corporal.
Thank you, sir.
I've reformed too, captain.
I didn't know you drank, Dobbs.
O'ROURKE: One of the
worst kind. A secret tippler.
But he has seen the light
and joined with me
to spread the word.
We must carry the
message of clean living
to those sinners
across the street,
so that they may be
saved like this man.
Brothers and sisters,
look at this man.
This morning a pair
of bloodshot eyes
stared from a face
trying to mask a
rum-soaked brain.
But a whiskey
breath betrayed him.
But look at him now.
Clear of eyes. Steady of hand.
Sound in mind and sound in body,
because he is now able
to resist the temptations
of John Barleycorn.
Hallelujah, brothers!
I've got the word!
O'ROURKE: Agarn,
where are you going?
To spread the word in
that temple of wickedness!
Repent, you sinners! Repent!
Stand aside. Stand aside.
Repent!
Repent-pent-pent!
Wait a minute!
AGARN: Put down
that bottle of demon rum!
Don't give in to temptation!
[THUDDING, CLUBBING]
Agarn.
Are you all right? Huh?
I guess they don't
wanna be saved, sarge.
Now, look what you've
started, a real donnybrook.
[MEN SHOUTING]
I certainly admired
your sermon, sergeant.
It might be a good
idea to close the saloon.
Yeah, if I don't
stop that fight,
there won't be a
saloon left to close.
Looks like you took quite a
punch in the jaw, corporal.
Don't let a little
thing like this
stop your good work, sergeant.
Listen, captain.
That is no place for a man
who has plans for the future.
Some kind of a Bull
Run all over again.
I'd better go back to the fort
and get some more
men to break this up.
I'll go with you.
You could use some
first aid... [YELLS]
And a drink too.
LILY: Fellas, come on.
Let me through, please.
Let me get through.
O'Rourke?
You're a mess. Heh.
Yeah, so is my saloon.
You can have it back now.
Oh, gee. Thanks a lot.
Ow. I'm sorry.
You know something,
O'Rourke? What?
You tried every way to
beat me but the right way.
Yeah, what's the right way?
You can have the saloon back.
It's your saloon, O'Rourke.
I'm going to Dodge.
But I might be glad to come back
after you've got it fixed up.
You will?
I might even run it for you.
You will?
For how long?
For 99 years, with
an option for 99 more.
[GLASS SMASHING]
[MEN YELLING]
Hey, Agarn.
Did you tell Wild Eagle to
get the stove going again?
I did, sarge.
He said it ought to be in action
by the end of the week.
End of the week?
What takes so long?
Well. Honeysuckle Rose
needs at least three days
to get her legs in shape.
You got anything special planned
for our reopening, boss?
I got a big surprise.
What's that?
[CHUCKLES]
We are gonna serve
whiskey in our whiskey.
Sarge, you've got class.
Uh... Yeah, the place
is gonna be fixed up
sooner than I thought.
My troubles are over.
[DRUM BEATING]
Hey. Sounds like a parade. Yeah.
Glory be!
Hallelujah, sisters!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, sisters!
Agarn! Come back here.
Agarn!
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
AGARN: Hey, sarge.
We're running low on water.
That's all right.
We only got a couple
of bottles or whiskey left.
Agarn...
are you sure you
locked the back door?
I think I locked it.
Y-you think... You
think you locked it?
Hey, take it easy,
Pete. I'm sorry, boss.
I guess I'm getting
a little jumpy.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
You got nothing to worry about.
Nobody knows
you own this saloon.
Everybody in
town thinks I own it.
We're not doing nothing wrong.
We're just putting the
chaser in the bottom.
We've eliminated the middleman.
[♪♪♪]
Thank you.
Eh, those Indians sure
know how to make whiskey.
I'd hate to get hit by an arrow
dipped in that stuff.
[CRIES OUT]
I think that's the best
batch the Hekawi ever sent.
The last shipment had...
just a taste of moccasin.
We haven't had complaints
from customers, have we?
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
And you never will.
It's 109 miles to
the next saloon.
And every one of them 109 miles
is hot and thirsty.
[EXHALES]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Hey. Wonder what that is.
Oh.
Oh, uh, howdy, ma'am.
Howdy.
Always happy to help
a stranger in town.
Oh, that's very
kind of you. Um...
Oh, O'Rourke's the name, ma'am.
Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke.
Name's O'Reilly. Lily O'Reilly.
[IRISH ACCENT] Well, begosh and
begorra now. A daughter of the old sod.
A chip off the old
Blarney Stone.
I'd like you to meet
my pal, Corporal Agarn.
Nice to meet you.
Now, what can an
O'Rourke do for an O'Reilly?
[IRISH ACCENT] Begorra, you could
be showing me to the real estate office.
Right on the
corner there, ma'am.
You just ask for
Clem Witherspoon.
Thank you.
You planning to buy
a house in these parts.
Yes, I'm going to
set up business here.
Oh, how nice.
Just what this town
needs, a little dress shop.
Oh, no. I'm opening a saloon.
Saloon?
We're the O'Reillys
from County Cork.
[♪♪♪]
[UNABLE TO SPEAK]
Sarge.
Get that bugle and go down
in the weeds someplace,
and try to learn
something besides "Dixie."
There you...
Hey. Well, what
did you find out?
O'Reilly's got it.
She leased the boarding house
across the street
from your place,
and she's turning
it into a saloon.
You mean to tell me
that Clem Witherspoon
let me down and
rented her that place.
Now, don't blame Clem.
O'Reilly's a beautiful woman.
He held out as long as he could.
How long was that?
Till she walked
through the door. Ah.
What kind of a
lease did he give her?
Ninety-nine years, with
an option for 99 more.
I don't understand it.
A grown man allowing
a woman to twist him
around her little
finger like that.
It's easy.
Sarge, have you taken a
good look at her fingers?
She's not in business yet.
Still needs a permit
to sell liquor in the area
from the military governor.
That would be Captain
Parmenter. Right.
And he's not gonna give her one.
What make you so sure?
Because I'm gonna
have a talk with him.
Hey, Agarn. Yeah, sarge.
Come here. I got an idea.
[SPEAKS INAUDIBLY]
Got you, sarge.
Just give me a couple
minutes before you come in.
Right.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Captain.
Sergeant.
Is, uh, everything
all right, sir?
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Everything's fine, sergeant.
[STUTTERS]
I've... Oh.
I got my hand caught
in this cookie jar.
Here, let me help
you, sir. Let's see now.
Oh, whoop, whoop.
Let's open up the fist.
Ah. There we go.
Oh. Thank you, sergeant.
You all right?
Captain, there's something
I'd like to discuss with you
that affects the
troop's welfare.
Certainly. You
care for a cookie?
Uh, no. Thank you.
You see, this woman has
come to town, and she...
Let me help you, sir.
Uh, the fist again, sir.
Yeah. There you go. Thank you.
Sir, I think you
better give up sweets.
You're... You're
getting a fat hand.
Well, what were you saying?
Oh, yes.
Well, there's this woman,
see, who's comes to town,
and she wants to
open up another saloon.
And if there's one thing
that this town does not need,
it's another saloon.
Well, I see nothing
wrong in that.
This country's built
on free enterprise.
Well, you're looking at a
great believer in free enterprise,
but I just don't think this
town needs another place
of temptation for sinners.
Hm. I never
thought of it that way.
Maybe we should close
the saloon we have now.
Oh, no, no, sir.
Well, it's just that
I think we're a...
A one-sin town.
Nevertheless, if drinking
is such a problem here,
maybe I should revoke
the saloon's permit.
What, and endanger the
lives of women and children?
Now, why do women and
children need a saloon?
Snakebite, sir.
There isn't a snake
within 50 miles.
Well, of course not.
That's why the snakes
don't come here.
They know that we have a saloon.
Oh.
Happy New Year!
Look, sir.
Can you imagine the
condition this man would be in
if we had two
saloons in this town?
Corporal Agarn, you're drunk.
If you think I'm drunk,
you ought to see my horse.
Yahoo!
Corporal, you
know the regulations
concerning drinking on duty.
Who are you?
Commanding officer.
It's a pretty big job. You
think you can handle it?
Now, you see, sir,
why you can't issue a
permit to Lily O'Reilly
for another saloon.
Another saloon!
Happy New Year!
You're absolutely
right, sergeant.
It could destroy the
morale of the whole troop.
I knew you'd handle
the situation properly, sir.
Captain?
Got a drink? No.
Always thinking of your men.
Just a little drink?
No, corporal.
General Grant
would give me a drink.
We need more
officers like you, sir.
[GRUNTS]
Give... Give me that.
That's my cookie...
Now. Give me...
Captain. Eh, captain...
I can assure you...
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Open up the fi... That's it.
I can assure you, sergeant,
that I'm not going
to issue anyone
a permit for another
saloon in Fort Courage. Huh.
[♪♪♪]
You're not gonna
be any fun at all.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
What's that?
I don't know, sir.
[QUIETLY] Hey.
Ah, you must be
Captain Parmenter.
Ha. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, I'm Lily O'Reilly.
I've come to ask
for a liquor permit.
How soon do you want it?
Oh, by the way, when
does this is permit expire?
Ninety-nine years.
But I'll give you an
option for 99 more.
Thank you.
Good day.
[SIGHS]
Any sign of her yet?
Sarge, you really
think you'll be able
to talk the O'Reilly gal
out of opening that saloon?
Listen, there hasn't
been a woman born
that I can't handle.
Well, she ain't like
most other women.
Where they end, she's
just getting started.
Yep. You leave her to me.
Now look, here's
I want you to do.
[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
Huh? Uh...
Oh. Hi, Wrangler.
Hi.
Have you seen Doc Martin?
I think he's over
at the Johnsons'
treating the goat
for colic, why?
I want him to take
a look at Wilton.
What's the matter with captain?
I don't know.
He just sits there in his
chair with his mouth open
and his eyes staring
straight ahead, mumbling,
"Ninety-nine years, and
an option for 99 more."
I just can't figure it out.
Grown men behaving
like lovesick cows,
just because a
not-too-ugly gal comes to...
All right, now, pull yourself
together and remember our plan.
Well, good afternoon
Miss O'Reilly.
Good afternoon,
Sergeant O'Rourke.
What was that you
said, Corporal Agarn?
Y-you can't talk like
that about a lady.
Oh, really.
Sergeant, I... All right.
You asked for it.
Well, perhaps that
will teach him a lesson.
And now, uh, if you'd
care to step inside,
I'll buy you a drink to
settle your jangled nerves.
I'm sure that...
you're not used to
such things as this,
being the genteel
person that you are. Oh.
Won't you, uh, sit
right there, please.
Thank you.
Bartender, make us two whiskeys.
Make it fast.
Coming right up, sergeant.
Well, I certainly hate
to see a thing like that
happen to a nice lady like you.
Really not sure I
know what happened.
Course, it shouldn't
surprise me.
This is no town for you.
It isn't?
There you are, sergeant.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
What a toast. To a lovely lady.
And may she find a
town that deserves her.
Oh, I think I've already
found that town, sergeant.
Oh.
Here's to Fort Courage.
Well, I guess you'd
have found out
about it sooner or later.
Find out about what?
The widow. What widow?
The Widow Brown.
Who's Widow Brown?
Well, she, uh...
She owns this place.
Has 16 children, no husband.
He's dead.
Yeah, that's why we call
her the "Widow Brown."
Good thinking.
If you were to open a
place across the street,
you might the Widow
Brown out of business.
She'd have nothing
but 16 hungry children.
No husband.
And that's why you
call her "Widow Brown."
Yeah, that's right. Hm.
Mm.
Woo.
I'm surprised she's
been in business this long
serving this kind of whiskey.
What's the matter
with that whiskey?
Well, for one thing, it
tastes like a wet moccasin.
Uh, bartender.
PETE: Yeah, sergeant.
What seems to be the trouble?
The lady is complaining
about the whiskey.
She says it tastes awful.
Now get us a
bottle of your best.
Boss... you know the
only whiskey we got
is what them Indians
make, and... Uh...
[GROANS]
My.
This has been an
interesting conversation.
Now, just a minute.
I'd like to invite you
to the opening of
my saloon, sar...
Or should I say,
"Widow" O'Rourke.
Feel free to bring
the 16 kiddies.
[♪♪♪]
Put more wood on fire.
Move faster on corn.
Time to change moccasins.
Hi, chief.
Hi, sergeant.
How are things, chief?
Oh, good.
Put two more squaws
on corn husking.
Nice to see Honeysuckle
Rose back on kernel mashing.
WILD EAGLE: Oh,
she perfect for job.
Only squaw in
tribe with flat feet.
Chief, could we talk to
you in private for a minute?
Sure. Step into my office.
Keep up the good work, girls.
Go, Honeysuckle, go.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SNIFFS]
Pull up deer skin and sit down.
Want to try new
batch of whiskey?
No, thanks. I'm riding.
Good thinking.
I've got to come right
to the point, chief.
We are in big, big trouble.
AGARN: Somebody's opening
a saloon across the street.
You know what this
could mean to us?
We'll have to go
back to being soldiers.
Worse for us. We have to
go back to being Indians.
This new saloonkeeper
is a woman.
Squaw?
[LAUGHING]
Then what is problem?
We run her out of business.
Chief. This ain't your ordinary,
everyday, corn-stomping,
basket-weaving squaw.
Squaw is squaw.
O'ROURKE: I'm glad you
feel that way about it, chief,
because she found out that
you're making our whiskey,
and she's bound to come
up here to buy some from you.
AGARN: And if
don't sell her any,
that will put the squeeze on.
It will take her months to get
a shipment from back East.
No problem. No problem.
Hekawis knows how
to take care of squaw.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Hey, what's that?
Me not know. Go see.
Oh, you must be
Chief Wild Eagle.
I'm Lily O'Reilly.
Well, won't do
you any good here.
You're not gonna
get any whiskey.
Why don't we let
the chief decide?
All right.
Chief, I'd like to make
an agreement with you,
where you become
my whiskey supplier.
Go ahead, chief. Tell
the squaw, no deal.
How soon you want it?
LILY: Immediately.
Oh, and chief.
How long can I, uh,
count on you to
keep this agreement?
Ninety-nine years,
with option for 99 more.
Nice going, chief.
LILY: By the way, O'Rourke,
I plan to, uh, move my
location of my saloon.
Yeah, the next
territory, I hope.
No. No. Just across
the street. Your place.
My place?
Well, O'Rourke, you wouldn't
want me to tell the army
that you own the
saloon, now, would you?
O'Reilly, that's blackmail.
Yes, it is, isn't it?
Why don't you drop by tomorrow?
Drinks are on the house.
[CLICKS]
[MUTTERING]
Look at that, will you.
AGARN: It's been like that
ever since O'Reilly took over.
It has, huh?
One guy was standing in
line 12 hours before he got in.
Agarn, nobody stands in line
12 hours to get into a saloon.
Don't tell me, sarge.
I was standing right behind him.
You mean, after
what O'Reilly did to me
that you went into her saloon?
I'm was a spy, sarge!
Oh. Well, what did
you see in there?
Another line at the bar.
But once you get in,
you only have to wait six hours.
LILY: Well, Sergeant O'Rourke.
I was wondering when you
were going to drop by, sergeant.
Corporal Agarn's
been in already.
Haven't you, corporal?
You're not gonna get
away with this, O'Reilly.
Now really, Sergeant O'Rourke,
I thought you'd be pleased
to see a daughter of
the old sod doing well.
The only thing that
would please me
is to see you buried
in that old sod.
[IRISH ACCENT] Gosh and begorra,
I never thought I'd
hear that from the lips
of a lovable Irish lad like you.
Yeah, you're gonna
hear a lot more.
You mark my words. I'm gonna
run you out of this town, O'Reilly.
For that, you'd have to
join a temperance league.
[♪♪♪]
Agarn.
Sarge.
Where can I get a
tambourine and a drum?
[BEATING DRUM]
[STOPS PLAYING]
Sarge, if this works,
this town will be bone dry.
Not for long.
Once we get the saloon
closed and O'Reilly out of town,
we'll form a... A league
for "back to barleycorn."
Oh, no.
Leave this to me, will you?
[LOUDLY] All right, now.
Let's hear a little drum
over there, Dobbs.
[DRUMROLL] Come on.
Some tambourine, Agarn.
Gather around
friends. Gather around.
Hear the good word.
Hit me with a little more
drum and tambourine.
[DRUM ROLL]
Yes, sir, I want you to
take a pledge for me today.
Friends...
this is the day we
save your souls.
Save them from the
evils of demon rum.
Hit me with a little more
drum and tambourine.
[DRUM ROLL]
Our beloved little town has been
taken over by a wicked
woman of wicked ways.
I want you to look at that
line in front of the saloon.
And on a Sunday morning.
We used to have that
line in front of our church
before Lily O'Reilly
came to town.
Hold the tambourine, Agarn.
I ask all of you now to
take the pledge with us.
To rid Fort Courage
of its sinfulness.
All right, men.
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ We will come rejoicing ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ We will come rejoicing ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ We will come rejoicing ♪
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
Uh...
Brothers and sisters,
here is our leader.
The only man who has the power
to close Lily O'Reilly's
temple of wickedness.
Hallelujah, brothers!
Nice to see you've
reformed, corporal.
Thank you, sir.
I've reformed too, captain.
I didn't know you drank, Dobbs.
O'ROURKE: One of the
worst kind. A secret tippler.
But he has seen the light
and joined with me
to spread the word.
We must carry the
message of clean living
to those sinners
across the street,
so that they may be
saved like this man.
Brothers and sisters,
look at this man.
This morning a pair
of bloodshot eyes
stared from a face
trying to mask a
rum-soaked brain.
But a whiskey
breath betrayed him.
But look at him now.
Clear of eyes. Steady of hand.
Sound in mind and sound in body,
because he is now able
to resist the temptations
of John Barleycorn.
Hallelujah, brothers!
I've got the word!
O'ROURKE: Agarn,
where are you going?
To spread the word in
that temple of wickedness!
Repent, you sinners! Repent!
Stand aside. Stand aside.
Repent!
Repent-pent-pent!
Wait a minute!
AGARN: Put down
that bottle of demon rum!
Don't give in to temptation!
[THUDDING, CLUBBING]
Agarn.
Are you all right? Huh?
I guess they don't
wanna be saved, sarge.
Now, look what you've
started, a real donnybrook.
[MEN SHOUTING]
I certainly admired
your sermon, sergeant.
It might be a good
idea to close the saloon.
Yeah, if I don't
stop that fight,
there won't be a
saloon left to close.
Looks like you took quite a
punch in the jaw, corporal.
Don't let a little
thing like this
stop your good work, sergeant.
Listen, captain.
That is no place for a man
who has plans for the future.
Some kind of a Bull
Run all over again.
I'd better go back to the fort
and get some more
men to break this up.
I'll go with you.
You could use some
first aid... [YELLS]
And a drink too.
LILY: Fellas, come on.
Let me through, please.
Let me get through.
O'Rourke?
You're a mess. Heh.
Yeah, so is my saloon.
You can have it back now.
Oh, gee. Thanks a lot.
Ow. I'm sorry.
You know something,
O'Rourke? What?
You tried every way to
beat me but the right way.
Yeah, what's the right way?
You can have the saloon back.
It's your saloon, O'Rourke.
I'm going to Dodge.
But I might be glad to come back
after you've got it fixed up.
You will?
I might even run it for you.
You will?
For how long?
For 99 years, with
an option for 99 more.
[GLASS SMASHING]
[MEN YELLING]
Hey, Agarn.
Did you tell Wild Eagle to
get the stove going again?
I did, sarge.
He said it ought to be in action
by the end of the week.
End of the week?
What takes so long?
Well. Honeysuckle Rose
needs at least three days
to get her legs in shape.
You got anything special planned
for our reopening, boss?
I got a big surprise.
What's that?
[CHUCKLES]
We are gonna serve
whiskey in our whiskey.
Sarge, you've got class.
Uh... Yeah, the place
is gonna be fixed up
sooner than I thought.
My troubles are over.
[DRUM BEATING]
Hey. Sounds like a parade. Yeah.
Glory be!
Hallelujah, sisters!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, sisters!
Agarn! Come back here.
Agarn!
[♪♪♪]