F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 12 - Honest Injun - full transcript
A conman comes to town taking the troopers money, which is O'Rourke's job.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
I don't get it, sarge.
What people?
They'll be flocking out
here by the hundreds.
By the thousands.
We'll have to put rubber walls
in the saloon and the hotel.
We'll have cots
in the livery stable.
But what will they be
comin' out here for?
Gold, Agarn.
We are gonna have
the biggest gold
strike in history.
Gold!
Shh.
We don't want 'em
to hear about it yet.
Who? The rabbits?
[SCOFFS]
Sarge. A question.
Right.
If you're gonna
have a gold rush,
don't you need gold?
What do you
think I got in there?
Seventy-five dollar" worth.
[CHUCKLES]
What an investment.
Nice shot, sarge.
You hit the hill.
Come on, let's
get back to the fort.
What about the gold?
Ain't you gonna...?
Oh, boy.
I get it.
You salted the hill.
Yes, and as soon as we
get somebody to find it,
we're in business.
What a mind.
How do you dream
up things like that?
Well, it helps if you're a rat.
Well, I'm a rat,
and I never think
of things like that.
Yeah, well, see, that's because
I'm a bigger rat than you.
That's why I'm a sergeant.
Now, let's go dig ourselves up
some likely prospector.
Hey! Here we go, boy.
Running Bull.
Yes, professor.
Better fetch my
prospecting shovel.
Because we are going to start
a little gold rush of our own.
But why?
Why do we have to
get someone else?
Why can't we just
tell them we found it?
Listen, if I told you
I discovered gold,
would you believe it?
Let's get somebody else.
Right.
But who's gonna believe
you know where the gold is?
Who believes
everything I tell him?
[PLAYING SLOPPILY] Uh... Dobbs.
Dobbs.
Dobbs!
You don't like it, huh?
Well, I do, I do.
It's... It's very pretty.
But there just isn't
anything in the regulations
about a bugler
playing the violin.
But I'm much
better on the fiddle
than I am on the bugle.
I took lessons for a whole year
when I was a young'un.
I'm sorry Dobbs. That
wouldn't wake anybody.
But if they was
awake, it'd keep 'em
from going back to sleep.
Well, yeah, I-I know.
I know, but you see,
a violin just isn't
practical for a bugler.
Now, if you were
leading a charge,
you wouldn't have
any hands left over
for hanging on to the horse.
I'll show ya.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, uh... excuse us, sir.
Oh, sergeant, I was just
showing Private Dobbs
how difficult it is to lead
a charge with a violin.
Uh, who we attacking, sir,
the Philadelphia Philharmonic?
[LAUGHTER]
I guess I better get back
to practicing on my bugle.
That's good cavalry
thinking, Dobbs.
W-wait! Wait.
Now, what can I do
for you, gentlemen?
Oh, well, uh,
requesting the
captain's permission, sir,
for Agarn and me
to leave the fort.
Oh, where do you wanna go?
Now, why did you ask that, sir?
Well, I-I am the
commanding officer.
I think I have a right to know
where my men are going.
Well, it's no use, corporal.
He... He's on to it.
What? On to what?
He is shrewd. No reason for us
to think we could
keep it to ourselves.
Keep what?
How do you suppose
he found out about the gold?
What gold?
O'ROURKE: You
can't keep anything
from a good officer, Agarn.
What officer?
Captain, what you
heard is just a rumor.
There's nothing certain
about gold being discovered
at the foot of Calico Mountain,
12 miles north by
northeast of Fort Courage.
There isn't? There is?
Well, well, why don't we...
We just go out there
and see for ourselves.
Excellent thinking, sir.
But I'd like to take
along a few men.
To carry the loot.
Gold can be very heavy.
Yeah, I'll round up a detail.
Now, you get the
picks and shovels.
It's a good thing
we're in the cavalry.
Why is that, sir?
We'll have the horses
to help carry the gold.
Very shrewd planning.
I knew we could
count on the old man.
Yeah.
What old man?
Well, you, sir. You're...
You're the old man.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Thirty minutes
and nobody's
found that spot yet.
If you want the
captain to find the gold,
you're gonna have
to steer him, sarge.
Yeah, you're right,
I better get to him
while he's still up and around.
Look at him.
You all right, captain?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Hoo! Prospecting for gold
is pretty tough work, isn't it?
Well, it doesn't
grow on trees, sir.
That's for sure.
Why don't you look
some place else, like...
over there.
Say, Agarn's got
a good idea there.
Why, that spot's
got gold marked...
Oh... Marked all over it, sir.
Now, here. Here we go.
Sir.
Here's where history gets made.
Captain first, sir.
Oh!
Gold!
He discovered gold!
PARMENTER: Are you sure? Where?
O'ROURKE: Right
there in that hole.
Must be 75 dollars' worth.
Hey, you sure?
I don't see any gold.
There it is, captain,
right... Sarge. What?
There ain't no gold.
What? There's gotta be.
Let's try over there.
Yeah, that's a good idea, man.
At least it's shady
under the tree.
What tree?
Hey...
what do you suppose
happened to that gold?
Some gold rush.
Maybe we oughta start
diggin' in your gun, instead.
Yeah, dig, will ya?
[♪♪♪]
Sergeant, do you have a
feeling there's something missing?
Yeah, people.
Where do you suppose
everybody went?
Janey?
Where is everybody?
Duration of what?
The gold strike. Ain't ya heard?
Gold strike? What
are you talking about?
We just come from
Calico Mountain.
Ain't nobody there.
This is up north of Laramie.
Everybody bought a claim
and hightailed it out of here.
Bought a claim from who?
Go on into the fort.
You can still get in on it.
Hyah!
PARAMETER: Now,
t-there's one thing I...
I don't understand, Janey.
Where did they make this strike?
Why don't you come
on in the store, Wilton.
Uh, let me show you the map.
All right, boys.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
for my friends in the service.
With each and every
parcel of land backed
with my personal guarantee
to contain 14 karats solid gold,
I will include three bottles
of the world's greatest tonic:
Running Bull's Magic Elixir.
Just think, my friend.
For the insignificant
sum of $10,
you get one genuine,
hand-engraved deed
to one quarter of
an acre of gold-filled
Patso Indian land.
Plus, three bottles of
the remarkable remedy
that has kept Running Bull alive
for the past 103 years.
You do not believe that
this superb specimen
of Indian man could
possibly be 103 years of age.
Well, you're right.
He is not. He is 122.
For the first 19
years of his life,
before he invented
this titan among tonics,
Chief Running Bull was
known as Tired Ever,
the last of the Patsos.
Did he do it again?
All right, gents, step right up.
For a mere $10,
Professor Cornelius
Clyde will make you all
the healthiest
millionaires of the West.
For the gentleman
with the four eyes,
here is one bottle.
O'ROURKE: All right, Clyde,
we're gonna have a little talk.
Now, now, sar...
Sergeant, I'm sorry.
But we just can't make
special rights for noncoms.
I have held out a
few choice plots,
and for the same
measly... Yeah, right.
All right, never mind the spiel.
What kind of con are you up to?
You know there ain't
no gold around Laramie.
If there was, why
would you sell the land
for 10 bucks a chunk?
Kind of early for Santa Claus?
That is a good question.
My friends, Running Bull
is not in the least interested
in the long green.
He is the last of
the Patso Indians,
sole owner of the tribal lands.
But he does have
one minor idiosyncrasy.
He likes to travel.
Has to travel, you mean.
Now, listen, Clyde.
You give that money
back to the men
and hightail it out,
or I'll throw you
and that mousy Methuselah
in the guardhouse.
We'll toss you in the clink
and throw the key away.
The clink?
I hope it's big enough
for all four of us.
What's that supposed to mean?
Gentlemen, I have
here, in this little sack,
about 75 dollars'
worth of small,
gold nuggets.
Sarge, this crook
swiped your gold rush.
Shh!
I assume that the
United States Cavalry
will take special
recognition of noncoms
who go around salting claims
above and beyond
the call of duty.
Now, listen, Clyde,
I'm gonna give you a break.
You say that Running
Bull likes to travel?
You got just two minutes
to get in this wagon
and start traveling.
Well, I suppose four in a cell
would be a little crowded.
And besides,
we've used up all of our deeds.
Yes, sergeant, I
think you're right.
I think it's time
for the professor
to head for greener fields.
And if there's one thing
you got around here,
a lot of, it's greener fields.
That's what I like
about the West.
Pretty boy.
Let's hit the road.
Well, goodbye, my friends.
Don't take any wooden Indians.
Hey, Duffy!
Back her up.
It's gold.
Gold!
I found gold!
Gold!
It's gold!
Gold nuggets right
here in the fort. Sarge!
I found more.
Real gold.
Real gold.
Stop!
Not so close to the tower.
Look out!
Wouldn't it be easier
if you just tried to do better
on your bugle?
The banjo's much
louder than the violin.
Besides, I've practiced
so much on that bugle,
my pucker's begining to sag.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hello, sergeant. Look, Dobbs.
You just keep
tooting on your bugle.
It may not be good,
but it's regulation.
Yes, sir.
He, uh... He sure
keeps tryin', don't he, sir?
Poor Dobbs.
I've never seen any
boy who couldn't play
so many different instruments.
Oh, you sent for me, sir.
Hm? I did?
Hm. Oh, yes. Yes, I did.
Sergeant, look, we...
Are you all right, sir?
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
Uh, now, where was I?
Oh, yes, sergeant.
I want you and Corporal Agarn
to go after Professor Clyde
and bring him back
here immediately.
Clyde?
Why would you
want to do that, sir?
Why, the man's a crook.
He fleeced practically
everybody in Fort Courage.
Now, that's a very
strong accusation, sir.
I mean, are you quite sure?
Of course I'm sure.
You know where those claims are?
I looked it up on the map,
and the men of F Troop
now own Old Faithful geyser
in Yellowstone Park.
That could be a very
interesting concession, sir.
Why, they could build a
fence around it and sell tickets.
Hm.
Sell tickets.
That's... That's ridiculous.
That's United States
government property.
They never belonged
to the Patsos.
And you know why?
Because I found
out there never was
any such tribe as the Patsos.
Not one single Pats.
That's very
disturbing news, sir.
But, uh...
Well, I'm afraid
that Agarn and I
couldn't catch up
with the professor.
He's had half a
day's head start on us.
Now, I think you're being
too modest, sergeant.
You and corporal Agarn
should have no trouble
catching up with
a medicine wagon.
Besides, United States
Cavalry always gets its man.
Well, begging the
captain's pardon, sir.
That's the, ahem, Royal
Canadian Mounties.
Oh. Well, they...
They do nice work too.
Yes, sir.
Sarge, if you stop for
coffee every 10 minutes,
we ain't never gonna catch him.
Yeah, how 'bout that.
You mean...?
Can't you get it
through your head?
I don't wanna catch him.
You mean, we just came
out here to drink coffee?
If we take Clyde back,
he'll tell the captain
we salted the claim.
Now, do you wanna spend the
rest of your life in a guardhouse?
I'll make another pot.
Forget it.
Just put out the fire.
We'll go up to the Hekawi camp.
What for?
We gotta stay out of the fort
for a couple of days, don't we?
There. We go back
and tell the captain
we couldn't find the professor.
Well, that makes sense.
Not to me.
Stupid gold rush
is wipin' us out at the saloon.
I gotta tell Wild Eagle
to stop makin' so much whiskey.
Now, will you please
put out that fire?
Hey, chief, I am
trying to talk to you.
Will you stop with the dance?
Wild Eagle not dance.
Foot fall asleep.
Bad circulation.
Hey, I just felt some rain.
How you like that?
Maybe that was dance I do.
[CHANTING IN MOCK
NATIVE LANGUAGE]
Oh, this time I try for snow.
Will you stop it, Wild Eagle.
We got a problem.
Now, we haven't had a customer
in the saloon for two days.
I want you to cut down
on the whiskey production.
Cut down? We already cut out.
Hekawi got much
better use for still.
Make magic elixir.
Wild Eagle live to
be 143 years old.
We caught up with him.
Shoulda kept drinkin' coffee.
CLYDE: Bless my little stout,
if it isn't the old salt miners.
What are they doin' here?
Chief, you're harboring
a couple of crooks.
Just a doggone minute.
O'Rourke, you speak
with forked tongue.
Him not crook. Him
great medicine man.
Spread elixir all over country.
And on a good day,
some of it might even slop
over into Canada and Mexico.
All right, Clyde,
now you've had it.
Take the kid and hit the trail,
or part of you is gonna slop
over into Canada or Mexico.
This happens to
be our territory.
Stand back, boy.
You are crumpling my nosegay.
For your information, sergeant.
This happens to be
the new home office
of Red Man
Enterprises, Incorporated.
Us Injuns gottum stick together.
Why don't you go stand
outside some cigar store.
Come on, chief, you and
me is gonna pow a little wow.
Watch him, brother. He
is tricky in the clinches.
O'ROURKE: Chief.
Listen, you didn't
tell that crook
about our business
deals, did you?
Oh, no. Wild Eagle ashamed.
Him fine man.
Got connections all over.
Even sell Hewkawi lot
with view of happy
hunting grounds.
That figures.
Over at Fort Courage
he was selling lots
in Yellowstone Park.
What's wrong with that?
Better Hekawi live in park
than in swamp like Seminole.
But it's not his property.
It belongs to the United
States government.
Oh, they get
receipt from Patsos?
That's another thing:
there ain't no Patsos.
What Running Bull?
Chopped buffalo liver?
All right, Clyde.
You got one more chance.
Now, you take Junior there
and pull freight for the tules,
or I'll turn you
over to the captain.
He knows all about you.
Oh, goody.
Then all we have to
do is tell him about you.
Oh, really?
O'Rourke, you stop.
Hang on to him, Wild Eagle.
Don't forget: red blood
thicker than white blood.
I'll take care of him, sarge.
Let go of me, you
Patso pipsqueak.
Let go, unless you don't
want a 122-year-old fat lip.
[PLAYING REVEILLE]
Th-that's very pretty, Dobbs,
but nobody showed up.
They won't answer
anything but a bugle.
Maybe if I mashed on
the bag a little harder.
Wilton!
Yeah, what's the matter, Janey?
It's Agarn and O'Rourke.
They been captured
by the Hekawis.
I seen 'em. And that
there professor too.
Why, that's a violation of
our temporary peace treaty.
This means war.
Dobbs, sound the call to arms.
Yes, sir.
On the bugle.
Yeah, sir.
Hurry up, men.
Mount up, mount up!
We have to go
save Corporal Agarn
and Sergeant O'Rourke
from those bloodthirsty Hekawis.
[GASPS]
They're all asleep, sir.
Every last
bloodthirsty one of 'em.
Good, good.
We'll surround the camp
and take them by surprise.
Now, spread out,
and when we complete the circle,
we'll have the
signal for the attack.
Uh... Someone will
make a noise like an owl.
Who?
That's very good, Dobbs.
Thank you for volunteering.
Now, move out, men, move out.
Good luck, and be on your guard
for anything that moves.
[OWL HOOTS]
Dobbs, I ain't ready yet.
Me neither. I
didn't give a hoot.
Charge!
[PLAYS "CHARGE"]
Charge, men. Charge the tepee.
Vanderbilt, come here.
Take your glasses off.
How can you run into
a tent, you numbskull!
Hey, what's going
on around here.
Used to be nice neighborhood
before paleface move in.
You're under arrest,
you and your whole tribe.
Why? Because Hekawi
asleep during attack?
No, because you
broke our peace treaty.
You can thank Wrangler
Jane for your rescue.
She told us you were
being held captive.
Cap... Oh!
Well, we certainly
were that, sir,
but everything's all right now.
Ain't it, Agarn?
Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah.
We signed another peace
treaty before we turned in.
Well, anyway,
I'm glad we're
all friends again.
Ow!
Wh-where did they
put the professor?
The professor?
Janey said that
she saw him here.
He must be around someplace.
Oh, that professor.
Oh, yeah, captain, let's...
Let's go back to the fort,
and I'll, uh... I'll
tell you all about it.
CLYDE: Greetings.
Greetings, oh, brothers.
Who he?
Thunderbird, Chief
of all Tamarisks.
Bidum welcome to
valiant Scourge of West.
Oh, likewise, I'm sure.
You lookum for professor?
You come-um too late.
You mean he's gone?
Tonight, I catch him.
We have big fight.
Ha! Hee-yah!
But him smart.
Him wiggle free.
Headum west.
You no find him again.
Oh, he gotum away.
Uh, yes, but the, uh...
The chief forgot to
tell you the good news.
Didn't you, chief?
Tell him.
Uh, tell him what?
He, uh... He got
back all the money.
Watchum, friend.
There you are, captain.
The good chief
got back every cent.
Why, that's wonderful.
Thank you, chief.
Men, let's have three
cheers for Chief Thunderbird.
Honest Injun.
AGARN: Let's here it.
Hip, hip, hooray.
Hip, hip, [ALL] Hooray.
AGARN: Hip, hip.
[ALL] Hooray.
Chief, what are you doing?
Nobody asked you to dance.
Who dance?
Moccasin too tight.
Foot fall asleep again.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, no.
How you like that?
Wild Eagle first Injun
ever do snow dance.
I never could understand why
that con artist let
you snatch the money.
Oh, what could he do?
If he squawked, the
captain would have known
he was the professor and
tossed him in the guardhouse.
He couldn't afford that.
He said he had important
business up north.
Well, that make sense?
I don't know how, but... Gold!
Big gold strike in Cheyenne.
[PLAYS BUGLE]
This darn bugle's
gonna get me killed yet.
When ya gonna stop
getting people all head up
about these fake gold strikes.
This ain't no fake, sergeant.
It was discovered
by Thunderbird,
and you yourself said
he's an honest Injun.
He's sellin' land to everybody.
Gol... Oh.
Well... here's looking at ya.
Cheers.
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
I don't get it, sarge.
What people?
They'll be flocking out
here by the hundreds.
By the thousands.
We'll have to put rubber walls
in the saloon and the hotel.
We'll have cots
in the livery stable.
But what will they be
comin' out here for?
Gold, Agarn.
We are gonna have
the biggest gold
strike in history.
Gold!
Shh.
We don't want 'em
to hear about it yet.
Who? The rabbits?
[SCOFFS]
Sarge. A question.
Right.
If you're gonna
have a gold rush,
don't you need gold?
What do you
think I got in there?
Seventy-five dollar" worth.
[CHUCKLES]
What an investment.
Nice shot, sarge.
You hit the hill.
Come on, let's
get back to the fort.
What about the gold?
Ain't you gonna...?
Oh, boy.
I get it.
You salted the hill.
Yes, and as soon as we
get somebody to find it,
we're in business.
What a mind.
How do you dream
up things like that?
Well, it helps if you're a rat.
Well, I'm a rat,
and I never think
of things like that.
Yeah, well, see, that's because
I'm a bigger rat than you.
That's why I'm a sergeant.
Now, let's go dig ourselves up
some likely prospector.
Hey! Here we go, boy.
Running Bull.
Yes, professor.
Better fetch my
prospecting shovel.
Because we are going to start
a little gold rush of our own.
But why?
Why do we have to
get someone else?
Why can't we just
tell them we found it?
Listen, if I told you
I discovered gold,
would you believe it?
Let's get somebody else.
Right.
But who's gonna believe
you know where the gold is?
Who believes
everything I tell him?
[PLAYING SLOPPILY] Uh... Dobbs.
Dobbs.
Dobbs!
You don't like it, huh?
Well, I do, I do.
It's... It's very pretty.
But there just isn't
anything in the regulations
about a bugler
playing the violin.
But I'm much
better on the fiddle
than I am on the bugle.
I took lessons for a whole year
when I was a young'un.
I'm sorry Dobbs. That
wouldn't wake anybody.
But if they was
awake, it'd keep 'em
from going back to sleep.
Well, yeah, I-I know.
I know, but you see,
a violin just isn't
practical for a bugler.
Now, if you were
leading a charge,
you wouldn't have
any hands left over
for hanging on to the horse.
I'll show ya.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, uh... excuse us, sir.
Oh, sergeant, I was just
showing Private Dobbs
how difficult it is to lead
a charge with a violin.
Uh, who we attacking, sir,
the Philadelphia Philharmonic?
[LAUGHTER]
I guess I better get back
to practicing on my bugle.
That's good cavalry
thinking, Dobbs.
W-wait! Wait.
Now, what can I do
for you, gentlemen?
Oh, well, uh,
requesting the
captain's permission, sir,
for Agarn and me
to leave the fort.
Oh, where do you wanna go?
Now, why did you ask that, sir?
Well, I-I am the
commanding officer.
I think I have a right to know
where my men are going.
Well, it's no use, corporal.
He... He's on to it.
What? On to what?
He is shrewd. No reason for us
to think we could
keep it to ourselves.
Keep what?
How do you suppose
he found out about the gold?
What gold?
O'ROURKE: You
can't keep anything
from a good officer, Agarn.
What officer?
Captain, what you
heard is just a rumor.
There's nothing certain
about gold being discovered
at the foot of Calico Mountain,
12 miles north by
northeast of Fort Courage.
There isn't? There is?
Well, well, why don't we...
We just go out there
and see for ourselves.
Excellent thinking, sir.
But I'd like to take
along a few men.
To carry the loot.
Gold can be very heavy.
Yeah, I'll round up a detail.
Now, you get the
picks and shovels.
It's a good thing
we're in the cavalry.
Why is that, sir?
We'll have the horses
to help carry the gold.
Very shrewd planning.
I knew we could
count on the old man.
Yeah.
What old man?
Well, you, sir. You're...
You're the old man.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Thirty minutes
and nobody's
found that spot yet.
If you want the
captain to find the gold,
you're gonna have
to steer him, sarge.
Yeah, you're right,
I better get to him
while he's still up and around.
Look at him.
You all right, captain?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Hoo! Prospecting for gold
is pretty tough work, isn't it?
Well, it doesn't
grow on trees, sir.
That's for sure.
Why don't you look
some place else, like...
over there.
Say, Agarn's got
a good idea there.
Why, that spot's
got gold marked...
Oh... Marked all over it, sir.
Now, here. Here we go.
Sir.
Here's where history gets made.
Captain first, sir.
Oh!
Gold!
He discovered gold!
PARMENTER: Are you sure? Where?
O'ROURKE: Right
there in that hole.
Must be 75 dollars' worth.
Hey, you sure?
I don't see any gold.
There it is, captain,
right... Sarge. What?
There ain't no gold.
What? There's gotta be.
Let's try over there.
Yeah, that's a good idea, man.
At least it's shady
under the tree.
What tree?
Hey...
what do you suppose
happened to that gold?
Some gold rush.
Maybe we oughta start
diggin' in your gun, instead.
Yeah, dig, will ya?
[♪♪♪]
Sergeant, do you have a
feeling there's something missing?
Yeah, people.
Where do you suppose
everybody went?
Janey?
Where is everybody?
Duration of what?
The gold strike. Ain't ya heard?
Gold strike? What
are you talking about?
We just come from
Calico Mountain.
Ain't nobody there.
This is up north of Laramie.
Everybody bought a claim
and hightailed it out of here.
Bought a claim from who?
Go on into the fort.
You can still get in on it.
Hyah!
PARAMETER: Now,
t-there's one thing I...
I don't understand, Janey.
Where did they make this strike?
Why don't you come
on in the store, Wilton.
Uh, let me show you the map.
All right, boys.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
for my friends in the service.
With each and every
parcel of land backed
with my personal guarantee
to contain 14 karats solid gold,
I will include three bottles
of the world's greatest tonic:
Running Bull's Magic Elixir.
Just think, my friend.
For the insignificant
sum of $10,
you get one genuine,
hand-engraved deed
to one quarter of
an acre of gold-filled
Patso Indian land.
Plus, three bottles of
the remarkable remedy
that has kept Running Bull alive
for the past 103 years.
You do not believe that
this superb specimen
of Indian man could
possibly be 103 years of age.
Well, you're right.
He is not. He is 122.
For the first 19
years of his life,
before he invented
this titan among tonics,
Chief Running Bull was
known as Tired Ever,
the last of the Patsos.
Did he do it again?
All right, gents, step right up.
For a mere $10,
Professor Cornelius
Clyde will make you all
the healthiest
millionaires of the West.
For the gentleman
with the four eyes,
here is one bottle.
O'ROURKE: All right, Clyde,
we're gonna have a little talk.
Now, now, sar...
Sergeant, I'm sorry.
But we just can't make
special rights for noncoms.
I have held out a
few choice plots,
and for the same
measly... Yeah, right.
All right, never mind the spiel.
What kind of con are you up to?
You know there ain't
no gold around Laramie.
If there was, why
would you sell the land
for 10 bucks a chunk?
Kind of early for Santa Claus?
That is a good question.
My friends, Running Bull
is not in the least interested
in the long green.
He is the last of
the Patso Indians,
sole owner of the tribal lands.
But he does have
one minor idiosyncrasy.
He likes to travel.
Has to travel, you mean.
Now, listen, Clyde.
You give that money
back to the men
and hightail it out,
or I'll throw you
and that mousy Methuselah
in the guardhouse.
We'll toss you in the clink
and throw the key away.
The clink?
I hope it's big enough
for all four of us.
What's that supposed to mean?
Gentlemen, I have
here, in this little sack,
about 75 dollars'
worth of small,
gold nuggets.
Sarge, this crook
swiped your gold rush.
Shh!
I assume that the
United States Cavalry
will take special
recognition of noncoms
who go around salting claims
above and beyond
the call of duty.
Now, listen, Clyde,
I'm gonna give you a break.
You say that Running
Bull likes to travel?
You got just two minutes
to get in this wagon
and start traveling.
Well, I suppose four in a cell
would be a little crowded.
And besides,
we've used up all of our deeds.
Yes, sergeant, I
think you're right.
I think it's time
for the professor
to head for greener fields.
And if there's one thing
you got around here,
a lot of, it's greener fields.
That's what I like
about the West.
Pretty boy.
Let's hit the road.
Well, goodbye, my friends.
Don't take any wooden Indians.
Hey, Duffy!
Back her up.
It's gold.
Gold!
I found gold!
Gold!
It's gold!
Gold nuggets right
here in the fort. Sarge!
I found more.
Real gold.
Real gold.
Stop!
Not so close to the tower.
Look out!
Wouldn't it be easier
if you just tried to do better
on your bugle?
The banjo's much
louder than the violin.
Besides, I've practiced
so much on that bugle,
my pucker's begining to sag.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hello, sergeant. Look, Dobbs.
You just keep
tooting on your bugle.
It may not be good,
but it's regulation.
Yes, sir.
He, uh... He sure
keeps tryin', don't he, sir?
Poor Dobbs.
I've never seen any
boy who couldn't play
so many different instruments.
Oh, you sent for me, sir.
Hm? I did?
Hm. Oh, yes. Yes, I did.
Sergeant, look, we...
Are you all right, sir?
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
Uh, now, where was I?
Oh, yes, sergeant.
I want you and Corporal Agarn
to go after Professor Clyde
and bring him back
here immediately.
Clyde?
Why would you
want to do that, sir?
Why, the man's a crook.
He fleeced practically
everybody in Fort Courage.
Now, that's a very
strong accusation, sir.
I mean, are you quite sure?
Of course I'm sure.
You know where those claims are?
I looked it up on the map,
and the men of F Troop
now own Old Faithful geyser
in Yellowstone Park.
That could be a very
interesting concession, sir.
Why, they could build a
fence around it and sell tickets.
Hm.
Sell tickets.
That's... That's ridiculous.
That's United States
government property.
They never belonged
to the Patsos.
And you know why?
Because I found
out there never was
any such tribe as the Patsos.
Not one single Pats.
That's very
disturbing news, sir.
But, uh...
Well, I'm afraid
that Agarn and I
couldn't catch up
with the professor.
He's had half a
day's head start on us.
Now, I think you're being
too modest, sergeant.
You and corporal Agarn
should have no trouble
catching up with
a medicine wagon.
Besides, United States
Cavalry always gets its man.
Well, begging the
captain's pardon, sir.
That's the, ahem, Royal
Canadian Mounties.
Oh. Well, they...
They do nice work too.
Yes, sir.
Sarge, if you stop for
coffee every 10 minutes,
we ain't never gonna catch him.
Yeah, how 'bout that.
You mean...?
Can't you get it
through your head?
I don't wanna catch him.
You mean, we just came
out here to drink coffee?
If we take Clyde back,
he'll tell the captain
we salted the claim.
Now, do you wanna spend the
rest of your life in a guardhouse?
I'll make another pot.
Forget it.
Just put out the fire.
We'll go up to the Hekawi camp.
What for?
We gotta stay out of the fort
for a couple of days, don't we?
There. We go back
and tell the captain
we couldn't find the professor.
Well, that makes sense.
Not to me.
Stupid gold rush
is wipin' us out at the saloon.
I gotta tell Wild Eagle
to stop makin' so much whiskey.
Now, will you please
put out that fire?
Hey, chief, I am
trying to talk to you.
Will you stop with the dance?
Wild Eagle not dance.
Foot fall asleep.
Bad circulation.
Hey, I just felt some rain.
How you like that?
Maybe that was dance I do.
[CHANTING IN MOCK
NATIVE LANGUAGE]
Oh, this time I try for snow.
Will you stop it, Wild Eagle.
We got a problem.
Now, we haven't had a customer
in the saloon for two days.
I want you to cut down
on the whiskey production.
Cut down? We already cut out.
Hekawi got much
better use for still.
Make magic elixir.
Wild Eagle live to
be 143 years old.
We caught up with him.
Shoulda kept drinkin' coffee.
CLYDE: Bless my little stout,
if it isn't the old salt miners.
What are they doin' here?
Chief, you're harboring
a couple of crooks.
Just a doggone minute.
O'Rourke, you speak
with forked tongue.
Him not crook. Him
great medicine man.
Spread elixir all over country.
And on a good day,
some of it might even slop
over into Canada and Mexico.
All right, Clyde,
now you've had it.
Take the kid and hit the trail,
or part of you is gonna slop
over into Canada or Mexico.
This happens to
be our territory.
Stand back, boy.
You are crumpling my nosegay.
For your information, sergeant.
This happens to be
the new home office
of Red Man
Enterprises, Incorporated.
Us Injuns gottum stick together.
Why don't you go stand
outside some cigar store.
Come on, chief, you and
me is gonna pow a little wow.
Watch him, brother. He
is tricky in the clinches.
O'ROURKE: Chief.
Listen, you didn't
tell that crook
about our business
deals, did you?
Oh, no. Wild Eagle ashamed.
Him fine man.
Got connections all over.
Even sell Hewkawi lot
with view of happy
hunting grounds.
That figures.
Over at Fort Courage
he was selling lots
in Yellowstone Park.
What's wrong with that?
Better Hekawi live in park
than in swamp like Seminole.
But it's not his property.
It belongs to the United
States government.
Oh, they get
receipt from Patsos?
That's another thing:
there ain't no Patsos.
What Running Bull?
Chopped buffalo liver?
All right, Clyde.
You got one more chance.
Now, you take Junior there
and pull freight for the tules,
or I'll turn you
over to the captain.
He knows all about you.
Oh, goody.
Then all we have to
do is tell him about you.
Oh, really?
O'Rourke, you stop.
Hang on to him, Wild Eagle.
Don't forget: red blood
thicker than white blood.
I'll take care of him, sarge.
Let go of me, you
Patso pipsqueak.
Let go, unless you don't
want a 122-year-old fat lip.
[PLAYING REVEILLE]
Th-that's very pretty, Dobbs,
but nobody showed up.
They won't answer
anything but a bugle.
Maybe if I mashed on
the bag a little harder.
Wilton!
Yeah, what's the matter, Janey?
It's Agarn and O'Rourke.
They been captured
by the Hekawis.
I seen 'em. And that
there professor too.
Why, that's a violation of
our temporary peace treaty.
This means war.
Dobbs, sound the call to arms.
Yes, sir.
On the bugle.
Yeah, sir.
Hurry up, men.
Mount up, mount up!
We have to go
save Corporal Agarn
and Sergeant O'Rourke
from those bloodthirsty Hekawis.
[GASPS]
They're all asleep, sir.
Every last
bloodthirsty one of 'em.
Good, good.
We'll surround the camp
and take them by surprise.
Now, spread out,
and when we complete the circle,
we'll have the
signal for the attack.
Uh... Someone will
make a noise like an owl.
Who?
That's very good, Dobbs.
Thank you for volunteering.
Now, move out, men, move out.
Good luck, and be on your guard
for anything that moves.
[OWL HOOTS]
Dobbs, I ain't ready yet.
Me neither. I
didn't give a hoot.
Charge!
[PLAYS "CHARGE"]
Charge, men. Charge the tepee.
Vanderbilt, come here.
Take your glasses off.
How can you run into
a tent, you numbskull!
Hey, what's going
on around here.
Used to be nice neighborhood
before paleface move in.
You're under arrest,
you and your whole tribe.
Why? Because Hekawi
asleep during attack?
No, because you
broke our peace treaty.
You can thank Wrangler
Jane for your rescue.
She told us you were
being held captive.
Cap... Oh!
Well, we certainly
were that, sir,
but everything's all right now.
Ain't it, Agarn?
Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah.
We signed another peace
treaty before we turned in.
Well, anyway,
I'm glad we're
all friends again.
Ow!
Wh-where did they
put the professor?
The professor?
Janey said that
she saw him here.
He must be around someplace.
Oh, that professor.
Oh, yeah, captain, let's...
Let's go back to the fort,
and I'll, uh... I'll
tell you all about it.
CLYDE: Greetings.
Greetings, oh, brothers.
Who he?
Thunderbird, Chief
of all Tamarisks.
Bidum welcome to
valiant Scourge of West.
Oh, likewise, I'm sure.
You lookum for professor?
You come-um too late.
You mean he's gone?
Tonight, I catch him.
We have big fight.
Ha! Hee-yah!
But him smart.
Him wiggle free.
Headum west.
You no find him again.
Oh, he gotum away.
Uh, yes, but the, uh...
The chief forgot to
tell you the good news.
Didn't you, chief?
Tell him.
Uh, tell him what?
He, uh... He got
back all the money.
Watchum, friend.
There you are, captain.
The good chief
got back every cent.
Why, that's wonderful.
Thank you, chief.
Men, let's have three
cheers for Chief Thunderbird.
Honest Injun.
AGARN: Let's here it.
Hip, hip, hooray.
Hip, hip, [ALL] Hooray.
AGARN: Hip, hip.
[ALL] Hooray.
Chief, what are you doing?
Nobody asked you to dance.
Who dance?
Moccasin too tight.
Foot fall asleep again.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, no.
How you like that?
Wild Eagle first Injun
ever do snow dance.
I never could understand why
that con artist let
you snatch the money.
Oh, what could he do?
If he squawked, the
captain would have known
he was the professor and
tossed him in the guardhouse.
He couldn't afford that.
He said he had important
business up north.
Well, that make sense?
I don't know how, but... Gold!
Big gold strike in Cheyenne.
[PLAYS BUGLE]
This darn bugle's
gonna get me killed yet.
When ya gonna stop
getting people all head up
about these fake gold strikes.
This ain't no fake, sergeant.
It was discovered
by Thunderbird,
and you yourself said
he's an honest Injun.
He's sellin' land to everybody.
Gol... Oh.
Well... here's looking at ya.
Cheers.
[♪♪♪]