Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 18 - Humm Vac - full transcript
Ray purchases a new state-of-the-art vacuum cleaner from an attractive door to door saleswoman and it ignites a housekeeping war between Marie and Debra. Debra is as taken with the new ...
- Hello, Raymond?
- Even better.
I'm Robert...
the brother.
Well, hi.
I'm Carol Marshall
from Humm Vac Cleaning
Systems International.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- You must be Raymond.
- Yeah, hi.
I spoke to your wife last night about
coming by to demonstrate our system.
Oh, right. Yeah, the vacuum.
I thought she said we didn't need
a new vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, she did. I remember, because
it was right before she told me
I have to go pick up
something from somewhere.
Oh. You didn't happen
to catch any of that, did you?
Sorry.
Yeah, so when we spoke last night,
things did seem pretty hectic.
So, since I happened
to be in the neighborhood,
I wondered if now
might be a good time
to come show you how wonderful
the Humm Vac is
and to offer you
this complimentary lint brush.
Yeah, I don't know. My wife says
I'm really not supposed...
Come on, Ray,
it's complimentary.
May I, Robert?
This won't hurt a bit.
Eww. Cool.
And that is yours
for being a good patient.
Thank you.
You were very gentle.
Oh here, I have one
for you too.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
You scared the hell out of me.
What is that?
This is something
that you're gonna love.
The Humm Vac Aspirate.
- What? You bought this?
- Yep.
You heard me tell
the lady on the phone
that we do not need
a vacuum cleaner.
I know, but it turns out
we really do.
She showed me all the dirt.
You let her in here?
Wait... wait a minute.
How good looking
was this saleslady?
You know what?
She was quite good looking.
But I'm not afraid to say that
'cause that's how good
this machine is.
I would've bought this
from an ugly man!
You are such a sucker.
A sucker for
a great product!
You hear that hum?
That's a fully-insulated,
four horsepower motor.
That, madame,
is the sound of clean!
"Is it versatile?" you ask.
Check this out.
I did this whole
section in 30 seconds.
Crevice attachment,
boom! Done!
All right, look,
that's very nice.
Wait a minute! Watch this.
You're not gonna believe this.
These pillows
seem clean enough...
to the naked eye!
In a regular vacuum,
there's not enough suction
power to pick up
all the dirt that
the beater bar kicks up.
Ray, turn it off.
I vacuumed there yesterday.
You could have vacuumed five times
yesterday with your old vacuum.
Ray, what are you
doing to my pillow?
Patience, my dear.
Look.
The Humm Vac has up
to 50 times more suction power.
It pulls up dust, dead skin,
pet dander, what have you,
deposits it all into
this water reservoir.
- No bags!
- Okay, listen.
You're calling her back
and returning it!
Still skeptical, Mrs. Barone?
Well...
I don't want to frighten you.
But this
is what your old vacuum
has been missing.
Wow.
It's what we call
"The Wow Factor."
They build it
right into the system.
This is the filth
that your family's been breathing.
Now, you just dump it
right down the drain.
That is pretty amazing.
Yeah. Now, I'll show you
how to do the drapes.
You're gonna do the drapes?!
No no, silly, the Humm Vac's
gonna do the drapes.
I'm just gonna take the credit.
I have never been
more attracted to you
in my entire life.
Wanna try?
- Okay.
- Your first time.
I envy you.
Hello, dears!
- Hi, Marie.
- Hi.
I was passing by my window
and I couldn't help
seeing into your window.
And I noticed,
you bought a new vacuum.
It's amazing what this thing
picks up, Marie. And no bags!
No bags!
- I am so glad this worked out.
- What do you mean?
When the saleslady
called me and told me
she had the greatest cleaning
innovation since the broom,
I immediately
thought of you.
- You sent her over here?
- Of course!
I did not know that.
Well, you two enjoy.
I would never want
to interfere with housework.
Now might be a good time
to tell you about
the free eucalyptus
room freshener.
Take your shoes off,
I just vacuumed up there!
Hi, Marie.
- Hello, dear.
- Am I interrupting anything?
Oh no. I'm just letting
Frank's pants out again.
It's in God's hands now.
You know, Marie,
something was bothering me
and I just wanted
to ask you about it.
Of course, dear.
What is it?
Well,
you know this afternoon,
when you said
that the saleslady
told you that she had this
great new cleaning device...
you immediately
thought of me.
Why was that?
No, really, Marie. Why?
Is this a trick question?
No. It just seems like
you're always implying
that I don't keep a clean house.
Well, now you have a little help.
But you didn't feel
the need to buy a Humm Vac.
Well, that machine
is for people...
it's like...
if you have a bad leg,
then you need crutches.
And your legs are fine?
So there's no dirt
in this house?
Not since I've lived here.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Oh! You brought
your new vacuum here.
Do you need me
to show you how to use it?
No, I know how to use it.
I just want to show you something.
You're going
to vacuum my house?
You know, my house
might appear
to be a bit more
cluttered than yours.
And all right, there's
the occasional crumb,
dirty dish. I'm not
saying there's no dirt.
Yeah, there is,
but that's every house.
Every house has dirt,
Marie, even this one.
Well, I must say,
I think you're going...
Excuse me, Marie!
This is what we call
a high-traffic area.
You're going against the nap.
Did anyone ever
teach you about nap?
Okay.
Let's take a look
at what we like to refer to as
"The Wow Factor."
That water
looks very clean.
Wow.
Well, l-let... let me just...
let me try under
the couch, okay?
There we go.
It can get pretty
nasty under here.
Okay.
Damn it.
Is it me, or does that
water look even cleaner?
Well,
I'm still kinda getting
the hang of this, so...
You have to
understand, dear,
that vacuums
don't clean houses.
People clean houses.
You know, maybe
I just didn't have this
pushed all the way in,
that's it.
Well, you're welcome
to keep going.
It's probably good practice.
Where are my pants, Marie?
I'm freezing here!
Oh, coming, Frank!
You've worked up
quite a sweat.
When I come back, I'll bring
you something cool to drink.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Give me your shoes.
What?
What are you doing?
You and the kids were in the sandbox
this morning, weren't you?
Yeah, what? Oh, no,
did Parker's cat get in there?
Come on!
I need some dirt!
I'm gonna shut
your mother up once and for all!
Are you gonna fill
her mouth with dirt?
No! On the rug.
She's gonna see she needs
this vacuum like anybody else.
Come on, untie it first!
Oh, come on!
Give me the other one.
Oh no.
Damn it, the one day
that you're not a pig!
I think you're
getting a little nuts here.
It's plastic.
It's plastic!
Even her dirt's not dirt!
You know what it is?
It's this stupid vacuum cleaner!
I told you not to buy it!
No no no no.
No! No! Stop it!
Hey!
What's with all the yelling?
I don't think Debra
could find any dirt.
Okay, all right, there's
no dirt here, you win!
But I am sick of you making
me feel like a bad person
because I don't keep my house
exactly the way you do!
A clean house is not the most
important thing in the world.
You know who says that?
A messy person.
All right. As hard as this
is for you to believe, Marie,
I do like to keep a neat house.
I'm just not going to spend
every spare minute cleaning it!
There are no spare minutes.
You have a family to care for.
Yes, I do!
I care for my family.
I spend my time enjoying them,
not sterilizing them.
- You're saying I don't love my family?
- No, that's not...
Because there's nothing in the world
I love more than my family.
Easy!
No, it's just that this
house is so clean and so...
arranged.
It's not exactly
the warmest place in the world.
- How could you say that?
- Well, I mean, come on.
Plastic slipcovers.
That's to protect
the upholstery.
So it protects the upholstery, but
how do you think it makes people feel?
Hot and sticky.
Especially in the summer
when I'm in my all-together.
I say, thank the Lord
for the slipcovers.
Oh, come on, Ray!
You make jokes about those
slipcovers all the time.
You joke
about my slipcovers?
No way.
No, that's not my style.
What did you just say
about the plastic
and the powder room
and the guest towels?
Tell me, Raymond.
Just, you know, it's like,
there's the china
that we never use
and there's towels
that we never touch.
It's like you're
saving everything
for a special occasion
that hasn't happened yet.
He's right.
What are those little towels
with the gold fringe for?
For when the Pope comes over
here to use the downstairs can?
- Be quiet.
- I'm using 'em.
No, you're not!
Are you happy now, Raymond?
Come on, Ma,
it's not a big deal.
Let me tell you
something, Raymond.
When you boys were little, you were
always outside in the dirt.
Then you'd tromp through
here like it was a bus station.
And Robert with his gigantic feet,
it was like having
a horse in the house.
No, it was not funny.
No, it was all I could do
to take care of this place.
- Hi.
- Take off your shoes!
- Huh?
- Take them off! You're not in a barn.
Do what she says,
we'll give you a carrot.
What's going on?
You see, Marie?
This is what I'm talking about.
You're so obsessed
with the house being clean,
look what you're doing
to your son.
All right. Fine fine.
Put your shoes back on and gallop
around here all you want.
- What?
- Put them back on.
Yeah, and check the expiration
date on your feet.
- What are you doing?
- Everyone wants me to change,
I can change.
- I'm taking the covers off.
- Where are we gonna sit?
You can sit right here
on the couch
'cause I don't care about
these things anymore.
I'm nothing
if I'm not flexible.
What are you saying,
Marie?
We can sit on the couch?
Be my guest, Frank.
Go ahead.
So, we can
really sit there?
On the actual couch?
Go ahead, enjoy.
- You first.
- Huh-uh.
Would you sit?
It's a couch!
You see, Debra?
I can change.
I can let go.
- It's nice fabric, isn't it?
- It's very nice.
I feel
a little naughty.
Can't wait till summer.
Hey... hey, what
about you, Marie?
You spent all these years
knocking yourself out cleaning,
you should enjoy this.
That's right.
Thank you, Debra.
Excuse me.
This is nice.
What are you doing?!
Look what you did!
Are you happy now?
She was making me nervous.
Giving me the skunk eye!
We're putting
the plastic back on!
No! No!
What are you doing?
- You don't understand!
- Put the cover back if you want.
Do whatever
makes you happy.
My family comes first.
You might want to take
those cushions outside
and shake them out first.
I'll show you how.
Come on.
We'll shake 'em out.
Can you do the chips, Debra?
Can you pick them up?
Yeah, no problem.
Jeez.
Hey, take a break already.
Man, isn't this
thing great?
I wish they made one
if these you could ride.
Here, I made you
a meatloaf sandwich.
Oh, thanks.
Mostly sunny skies today,
with brisk easterly winds.
Expect a high near 52?.
Clear tonight,
with a low near 41?.
Tomorrow...
You see, our old
vacuum couldn't do this.
- Even better.
I'm Robert...
the brother.
Well, hi.
I'm Carol Marshall
from Humm Vac Cleaning
Systems International.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- You must be Raymond.
- Yeah, hi.
I spoke to your wife last night about
coming by to demonstrate our system.
Oh, right. Yeah, the vacuum.
I thought she said we didn't need
a new vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, she did. I remember, because
it was right before she told me
I have to go pick up
something from somewhere.
Oh. You didn't happen
to catch any of that, did you?
Sorry.
Yeah, so when we spoke last night,
things did seem pretty hectic.
So, since I happened
to be in the neighborhood,
I wondered if now
might be a good time
to come show you how wonderful
the Humm Vac is
and to offer you
this complimentary lint brush.
Yeah, I don't know. My wife says
I'm really not supposed...
Come on, Ray,
it's complimentary.
May I, Robert?
This won't hurt a bit.
Eww. Cool.
And that is yours
for being a good patient.
Thank you.
You were very gentle.
Oh here, I have one
for you too.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
You scared the hell out of me.
What is that?
This is something
that you're gonna love.
The Humm Vac Aspirate.
- What? You bought this?
- Yep.
You heard me tell
the lady on the phone
that we do not need
a vacuum cleaner.
I know, but it turns out
we really do.
She showed me all the dirt.
You let her in here?
Wait... wait a minute.
How good looking
was this saleslady?
You know what?
She was quite good looking.
But I'm not afraid to say that
'cause that's how good
this machine is.
I would've bought this
from an ugly man!
You are such a sucker.
A sucker for
a great product!
You hear that hum?
That's a fully-insulated,
four horsepower motor.
That, madame,
is the sound of clean!
"Is it versatile?" you ask.
Check this out.
I did this whole
section in 30 seconds.
Crevice attachment,
boom! Done!
All right, look,
that's very nice.
Wait a minute! Watch this.
You're not gonna believe this.
These pillows
seem clean enough...
to the naked eye!
In a regular vacuum,
there's not enough suction
power to pick up
all the dirt that
the beater bar kicks up.
Ray, turn it off.
I vacuumed there yesterday.
You could have vacuumed five times
yesterday with your old vacuum.
Ray, what are you
doing to my pillow?
Patience, my dear.
Look.
The Humm Vac has up
to 50 times more suction power.
It pulls up dust, dead skin,
pet dander, what have you,
deposits it all into
this water reservoir.
- No bags!
- Okay, listen.
You're calling her back
and returning it!
Still skeptical, Mrs. Barone?
Well...
I don't want to frighten you.
But this
is what your old vacuum
has been missing.
Wow.
It's what we call
"The Wow Factor."
They build it
right into the system.
This is the filth
that your family's been breathing.
Now, you just dump it
right down the drain.
That is pretty amazing.
Yeah. Now, I'll show you
how to do the drapes.
You're gonna do the drapes?!
No no, silly, the Humm Vac's
gonna do the drapes.
I'm just gonna take the credit.
I have never been
more attracted to you
in my entire life.
Wanna try?
- Okay.
- Your first time.
I envy you.
Hello, dears!
- Hi, Marie.
- Hi.
I was passing by my window
and I couldn't help
seeing into your window.
And I noticed,
you bought a new vacuum.
It's amazing what this thing
picks up, Marie. And no bags!
No bags!
- I am so glad this worked out.
- What do you mean?
When the saleslady
called me and told me
she had the greatest cleaning
innovation since the broom,
I immediately
thought of you.
- You sent her over here?
- Of course!
I did not know that.
Well, you two enjoy.
I would never want
to interfere with housework.
Now might be a good time
to tell you about
the free eucalyptus
room freshener.
Take your shoes off,
I just vacuumed up there!
Hi, Marie.
- Hello, dear.
- Am I interrupting anything?
Oh no. I'm just letting
Frank's pants out again.
It's in God's hands now.
You know, Marie,
something was bothering me
and I just wanted
to ask you about it.
Of course, dear.
What is it?
Well,
you know this afternoon,
when you said
that the saleslady
told you that she had this
great new cleaning device...
you immediately
thought of me.
Why was that?
No, really, Marie. Why?
Is this a trick question?
No. It just seems like
you're always implying
that I don't keep a clean house.
Well, now you have a little help.
But you didn't feel
the need to buy a Humm Vac.
Well, that machine
is for people...
it's like...
if you have a bad leg,
then you need crutches.
And your legs are fine?
So there's no dirt
in this house?
Not since I've lived here.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Oh! You brought
your new vacuum here.
Do you need me
to show you how to use it?
No, I know how to use it.
I just want to show you something.
You're going
to vacuum my house?
You know, my house
might appear
to be a bit more
cluttered than yours.
And all right, there's
the occasional crumb,
dirty dish. I'm not
saying there's no dirt.
Yeah, there is,
but that's every house.
Every house has dirt,
Marie, even this one.
Well, I must say,
I think you're going...
Excuse me, Marie!
This is what we call
a high-traffic area.
You're going against the nap.
Did anyone ever
teach you about nap?
Okay.
Let's take a look
at what we like to refer to as
"The Wow Factor."
That water
looks very clean.
Wow.
Well, l-let... let me just...
let me try under
the couch, okay?
There we go.
It can get pretty
nasty under here.
Okay.
Damn it.
Is it me, or does that
water look even cleaner?
Well,
I'm still kinda getting
the hang of this, so...
You have to
understand, dear,
that vacuums
don't clean houses.
People clean houses.
You know, maybe
I just didn't have this
pushed all the way in,
that's it.
Well, you're welcome
to keep going.
It's probably good practice.
Where are my pants, Marie?
I'm freezing here!
Oh, coming, Frank!
You've worked up
quite a sweat.
When I come back, I'll bring
you something cool to drink.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Give me your shoes.
What?
What are you doing?
You and the kids were in the sandbox
this morning, weren't you?
Yeah, what? Oh, no,
did Parker's cat get in there?
Come on!
I need some dirt!
I'm gonna shut
your mother up once and for all!
Are you gonna fill
her mouth with dirt?
No! On the rug.
She's gonna see she needs
this vacuum like anybody else.
Come on, untie it first!
Oh, come on!
Give me the other one.
Oh no.
Damn it, the one day
that you're not a pig!
I think you're
getting a little nuts here.
It's plastic.
It's plastic!
Even her dirt's not dirt!
You know what it is?
It's this stupid vacuum cleaner!
I told you not to buy it!
No no no no.
No! No! Stop it!
Hey!
What's with all the yelling?
I don't think Debra
could find any dirt.
Okay, all right, there's
no dirt here, you win!
But I am sick of you making
me feel like a bad person
because I don't keep my house
exactly the way you do!
A clean house is not the most
important thing in the world.
You know who says that?
A messy person.
All right. As hard as this
is for you to believe, Marie,
I do like to keep a neat house.
I'm just not going to spend
every spare minute cleaning it!
There are no spare minutes.
You have a family to care for.
Yes, I do!
I care for my family.
I spend my time enjoying them,
not sterilizing them.
- You're saying I don't love my family?
- No, that's not...
Because there's nothing in the world
I love more than my family.
Easy!
No, it's just that this
house is so clean and so...
arranged.
It's not exactly
the warmest place in the world.
- How could you say that?
- Well, I mean, come on.
Plastic slipcovers.
That's to protect
the upholstery.
So it protects the upholstery, but
how do you think it makes people feel?
Hot and sticky.
Especially in the summer
when I'm in my all-together.
I say, thank the Lord
for the slipcovers.
Oh, come on, Ray!
You make jokes about those
slipcovers all the time.
You joke
about my slipcovers?
No way.
No, that's not my style.
What did you just say
about the plastic
and the powder room
and the guest towels?
Tell me, Raymond.
Just, you know, it's like,
there's the china
that we never use
and there's towels
that we never touch.
It's like you're
saving everything
for a special occasion
that hasn't happened yet.
He's right.
What are those little towels
with the gold fringe for?
For when the Pope comes over
here to use the downstairs can?
- Be quiet.
- I'm using 'em.
No, you're not!
Are you happy now, Raymond?
Come on, Ma,
it's not a big deal.
Let me tell you
something, Raymond.
When you boys were little, you were
always outside in the dirt.
Then you'd tromp through
here like it was a bus station.
And Robert with his gigantic feet,
it was like having
a horse in the house.
No, it was not funny.
No, it was all I could do
to take care of this place.
- Hi.
- Take off your shoes!
- Huh?
- Take them off! You're not in a barn.
Do what she says,
we'll give you a carrot.
What's going on?
You see, Marie?
This is what I'm talking about.
You're so obsessed
with the house being clean,
look what you're doing
to your son.
All right. Fine fine.
Put your shoes back on and gallop
around here all you want.
- What?
- Put them back on.
Yeah, and check the expiration
date on your feet.
- What are you doing?
- Everyone wants me to change,
I can change.
- I'm taking the covers off.
- Where are we gonna sit?
You can sit right here
on the couch
'cause I don't care about
these things anymore.
I'm nothing
if I'm not flexible.
What are you saying,
Marie?
We can sit on the couch?
Be my guest, Frank.
Go ahead.
So, we can
really sit there?
On the actual couch?
Go ahead, enjoy.
- You first.
- Huh-uh.
Would you sit?
It's a couch!
You see, Debra?
I can change.
I can let go.
- It's nice fabric, isn't it?
- It's very nice.
I feel
a little naughty.
Can't wait till summer.
Hey... hey, what
about you, Marie?
You spent all these years
knocking yourself out cleaning,
you should enjoy this.
That's right.
Thank you, Debra.
Excuse me.
This is nice.
What are you doing?!
Look what you did!
Are you happy now?
She was making me nervous.
Giving me the skunk eye!
We're putting
the plastic back on!
No! No!
What are you doing?
- You don't understand!
- Put the cover back if you want.
Do whatever
makes you happy.
My family comes first.
You might want to take
those cushions outside
and shake them out first.
I'll show you how.
Come on.
We'll shake 'em out.
Can you do the chips, Debra?
Can you pick them up?
Yeah, no problem.
Jeez.
Hey, take a break already.
Man, isn't this
thing great?
I wish they made one
if these you could ride.
Here, I made you
a meatloaf sandwich.
Oh, thanks.
Mostly sunny skies today,
with brisk easterly winds.
Expect a high near 52?.
Clear tonight,
with a low near 41?.
Tomorrow...
You see, our old
vacuum couldn't do this.