Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 17 - Stefania Arrives - full transcript

I think you did a good thing
bringing Stefania here.

- Thank you, Frank.
- We should do a foreign exchange.

She comes here; You go there.

- Oh, Robby!
- Hello, son.

What's wrong?

- What do you mean, dear?
- The happiness.

What gives?

What, we can't be
happy to see you?

Historically, no.

You funny bunny.

Come on, sit down.



Come on.

Am I dying?

Why don't you get
the door, Robby?

No.

Come on, idiot, do it.

- Why do you want me to get it?
- Get the door!

You're forcing me.

- You're forcing me!
- Come on!

Trust me, Robert, it's okay.

Come on.

You know, Robby...

Robby, I know that
you've been lonely

and in need
of some company,

so I have a little
surprise for you.



What took so long?
I got bags here.

This is it?

I didn't like the surprise when
you gave it to me 40 years ago.

Hey, how about "Thank you"?

- For what?
- For this.

Roberto.

Stefania.

What...

How did you get here?

I had to take the Belt Parkway to
the Cross Island, bumper to bumper.

Oh, Robby, are you happy?

I asked her to visit
to cheer you up.

Me, I did it.

Stefania,
let me help you.

- It is good to see you.
- Oh, it is good to see you.

- Ma, you did this?
- Who else?

Thank you for inviting me.

You are nice and beautiful.

Man, does she need
an English lesson.

Hi, I remember your head.

Hey, she remembers me.

Hi, nice to see you again.

So this is you after
a 10-hour plane ride, huh?

Well, I give up.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Thank you for getting us.

- Did you say us?
- Yes.

You remember my father,
Marco Fogagnolo.

Yes yes. Of course.

You wanna hold
your putter like this, okay?

And then you swing it back.

Oh boy, okay.

All right.

What's happening?

Okay.

You... you take the putter back
like this

and then you...

- Hey, look at that!
- Oh, yeah!

Hell of a shot there.

You buy me another
hot dog now.

Well, you know,
there's more to America

than just hot dogs.

I like hot dogs.

Okay, well, I'll tell you what,

I'll buy you another hot dog later,
if you're good.

- Okay, you hit now.
- All right.

Hey, there!

What do you think
you're doing?

What? I do nothing.

I think you did,
you naughty monkey.

Oh, come on.

Hey, you are
a good golf player.

Well, I'm trying to be.

All right, listen...
okay okay, come here.

Listen listen, look, I know...

I know you're just trying
to have fun.

But there's something
you should know.

See, when Raymond
and I were kids,

he used to poke me
quite a bit, all right?

Poke poke poke poke.

He was, how you say...
a jerk, okay?

So that's why now I'm
sort of antipoke, okay?

Oh, no no no, but listen,

if I had to choose someone
to poke me, it would be you.

But don't poke me.

All right, here, you go first.

Okay.

All right, very good, try again.

Okay, all right, take...

All right, take your time.

Okay, all right, that's a...

that's an interesting
technique, all right.

All right, very nice.

Okay.

Okay, over there.

Thank you. Okay.

Hey, bravo, Roberto,

- Very good.
- Thank you. Thank...

Oh, I like.

So you two having a good time?

Yeah, a blast.
Things are fantastic.

Did you two do the, uh...

The what?

The huckle-buckle?

- Mind your own business, okay?
- Oh, come on.

I'm married, man.
I don't even huckle.

- Here you go.
- Hey, Suzy, I got that.

Really? Hey, Nemo,
Frank's picking up a tab.

Don't take a check from him.

Hey, don't embarrass me in front
of my international guests, all right?

I'm buying.

Hey, you two,
we're splitting this.

Grazie.

I want to say something.

I come to America
to take care for Stefania.

But I also dream always
to come to this country

and it is like a dream.

I like the people.

I like the life here very much,

with the large drinks
and so much ice.

And I have to say,

I did not like
so much this one.

But now I do.

And I know Stefania do.

So what I will tell you now is...

we stay.

What? Where?

Here...
Lynbrook, America.

Congratulations to you both!

- It's great surprise, no?
- Yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah, great surprise.

But you just can't live here.

What will you do, sir?

Who knows?

I like this place. Maybe I buy.

Nemo would never sell.

I think maybe he do.

I want to thank you
for taking care of my daughter.

Don't mention it.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hi, Robby.

- Cookie?
- What's the point?

What's your problem?

I don't think it's gonna work out
with Stefania.

Oh, give me a break.

What are you talking about?

It Italy, the two of you
couldn't get enough of each other.

I don't know. It's not the same.

Hey, look at her. Look at you.

Grab on and don't let go.

Of course it's not the same.
I know what your problem is.

- No, you don't.
- Yeah, I do.

You guys were going
too fast over there.

Right away, boom, we're in love.
You can't do that.

- What are you talking about?
- You know, you...

Here, let me show you something.
What do you got here, Ma?

Cream of Wheat for the boys.
Want some? I'll make some more.

Relax. Okay, see this? This Cream
of Wheat, that's you and Stefania.

- What?
- Stay with me. All right?

Now here's you guys in Italy.

- See, all hot and heavy.
- No, that's too much.

- Right. You can't keep it like that.
- No, turn it down.

What's gonna happen to Robert
and Stefania if I keep it like that?

- They'll get dried out and crusty.
- Right.

Right right.

Robert, you want it to last,
you gotta cool things down a little.

See, like this.

Thank God.

That's how it is for me
and Debra.

Just a little low flame.

Our Cream of Wheat
could just sit on that for years.

Hands off, girls, he's mine.

I'm gonna tell you
about my marriage now,

but I'll need
the garbage disposal.

You know, Robert,
I wouldn't be surprised

if you're having these feelings

because deep down inside
you still care for Amy.

No no, it's not Amy
and it's not Cream of Wheat.

The truth is...

Stefania's annoying.

- What?
- If by "annoying,"

you mean
"ha-cha-cha-cha-cha,"

then I'm right with you.

No, she's always touching me.

Oh, that's gotta be rough.

Why the hell would you
not want her to touch you?

She poked me
in the ass with a putter.

She could hit me in the head
with a hammer. I wouldn't care.

It's just that she's always
poking me,

and I hate being poked.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, cut it out, okay?

I told her I didn't like it,
but she wouldn't stop.

Robby, I think
that's like flirting.

Yeah, it sounds like
you're nitpicking, man.

Look, I know Stefania
is beautiful, okay?

But, you know, we've been
out a few times now

and the more time
I spend with her,

I realize that
there's nothing there.

Robby, are you very sure

you're not homosexual?

Ma!

I'm just asking.

Raymond!

It's still funny.

You know what?

If Stefania was staying for, like,
a week, I could put up with it,

but now they're talking
about staying here for good.

So what, am I supposed to take
care of her forever, huh?

I gotta marry her now?

There are
worse things, dear.

Plus, I got her father
Signore Scary-ola

watching me with those eyes.

It's too much.
I can't take it.

Robert, look,
you're obviously unhappy.

- You gotta talk to her.
- And say what?

I don't know. Tell her
you just wanna be friends.

That broad ain't built
for friendship.

Look, you shouldn't be pressured
into being in a relationship.

No one here
means to pressure him.

But you know
something, Robby?

You're not getting
any younger.

And I read, you know,

that as men get older,
their sperm production...

- Okay!
- Ma Ma Ma Ma!

Back it up.

Please, it's science.

You're really thinking
of breaking up with her?

That is the only
decent thing to do.

This is about morality.

You don't string
someone along.

Yeah, but Stefania,
she's so...

She's so what, Ray?

Just do what she says.

I like your house.

It's an apartment, really.

I don't like this.

Okay, um, listen,

we need to talk, okay?

Okay.

Okay,

I think that it's very exciting

that you and your dad
are talking about moving here.

Ooh, polizia.

Attention span of a moth.

Listen, look, I just
had this drycleaned.

You put on for me, huh?

No, no, this is
for work, okay?

Let's put this back.
You come over here.

To the ugly sofa.

- Yeah.
- I am hungry.

- Do you have food for me?
- More?

Just a second.

Maybe you have hot dogs.

One second.

It's like dropping wood
into a chipper.

Well, I have Captain Salty
Pretzel Nuggets.

- I like hot dogs.
- Pretzel nuggets!

What's wrong, Berto?

Nothing, it's just,
there's your tummy.

You do not put it on, so...

Well, actually,
that is police property.

- You need to take that off.
- Okay.

Wait wait!
Halt, no, wait.

All right, look,
look keep it on.

Here, sit down here.
Have some pretzels, okay?

No, thank you.

I wasn't really hungry
for pretzels.

No.

Stefania...

you are
a beautiful woman

and a lovely person

and a beautiful woman.

And I think that it's very nice

that you want
to make a life for yourself

here in this country.

Let me finish.

Okay, here's the thing.

You know,
it's been said that

love is like
Cream of Wheat.

Maybe no more talking.

You want to...
you want... oh, boy.

Hard to argue.

No no no, Stefania.

What do you mean no?

No means no.
Same in Italian.

No means no.

Berto, we have waited
so long.

It will be nice.

I'm not saying
it wouldn't be nice

and soft,

but it would be wrong,
because, Stefania,

we shouldn't be together.

It's okay.
My father will not know.

No no no no.

No, look, you misunderstand,
all right?

I shouldn't lead you on.

It's morally wrong,
I think.

What do you mean?

We should break up.

You, me, no more.

Listen, Stefania,
I'll always cherish

the moments
we had together,

but I just didn't
want you to move here

for the wrong reasons.

- Hey, come on.
- Don't touch me!

I can't believe
I came to America for you.

You couldn't even
call me yourself.

You had to have
your mother beg me to come!

No no no no no, that was her idea.
She's crazy.

What are you, her puppet?

She pulls the strings
and you dance like Pinocchio?

No no no,
no Pinocchio this time.

You see, she wanted me
to marry you,

but I said I couldn't
because you're annoying.

Annoying?

What does this mean,
annoying?

I don't know.

Liar. I am sick
to look to you!

Well, listen, we can
still be friends.

You see, in America,
you don't break up. You stay friends.

- That's what you do.
- Not in Italy.

Annoying.

Listen,
I did the right thing.

Morally,
I did the right thing.

There better be a heaven.

Hey, Nemo, I'll take a slice.

Signore Fogagnolo, hi.

What are you doing here?

I told you.

We stay in America.

Oh, so you work here now?

I own here now.

You own?

What happened to Nemo?

He go away.

W-what? W-where?

Away.

Listen,
Signore Fogagnolo,

about Stefania...

I am a homosexual.