Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 19 - The Canister - full transcript

Hi, Grandma! Look
at the Easter egg I made.

Oh, that's lovely, dear.

Ma, you want to see an egg?
Look at that.

That's lovely too.

You both do beautiful work.

And guess what? I made
an extra batch of butter cookies

for you and your brothers.

- Oh, good, I love those.
- Oh, good.

Oh, and Debra, I've run out
of things to put them in,

- so I came to get the canister.
- What canister?

My canister with the blue horses
around the edge.



- Oh, yeah, I brought that back.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Grandma! Come on, I want to show you

- my Easter shoes.
- Okay, just a minute, sweetheart.

I think I would've remembered
if you returned that canister,

because it's my mother's,

and there's even a special
space on my shelf for it,

which is empty now.

Yeah, well,
I remember returning it,

because I heard about
that space on your shelf

when you brought it over.

Oh.

Would you like to take
a minute now and look for it?

And while you do, I can correct
a few of these potatoes.

You know, Marie,
if the canister was here,



I'm sure you
would have noticed it

during one of your
daily inspections.

You know what?

Until you find it, at least
it's with people I love.

Come on, sweetheart,
let me see those shoes.

Seriously, Deb, forget
you know me and Ally,

which one's better?

Ma! Where's Ma?

- Why? What's the matter?
- Dad got into the ham.

Did you leave it on the counter?
He jumps up there.

What did he do?

He's lopping off slices of it
and putting it into the toaster.

Like pork Pop-Tarts.

Every year.

Last year, I caught him
in the car with it.

Okay, if you find the canister,
dear, give me a ring.

Marie, I told you,
I don't have it.

All right, well, maybe
when you straighten up.

Please...

Please listen to me.

It's not here.

You seem upset.
Are you upset with me, Debra?

Yes, as a matter of fact,
I am upset, Marie,

because what I say
and what I do

seems to mean
very little to you.

- Where is this coming from?
- You've asked me for the canister,

I tell you I don't have it,
but that's not good enough!

Well, I don't have it.

Oh, and there's no possibility
you could have misplaced it.

No.

So I'm a thief, then.
And a liar.

I'm a liar and a thief.

Are you calling me
a liar and a thief?!

Oh!

You know, it just...

it just hurts
my feelings, Marie,

because I told you
I brought that canister back

and if you don't believe me,
then there's nothing I can do.

Oh, wait.
Honey, honey, wait.

Wait.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I don't want this.

I mean, a holiday
is a time for family.

I love that canister,

but I certainly don't want you
feeling like this.

I want us to have
a wonderful Easter.

Okay?

Oh, I'm sorry, Debra.

Thank you, Marie.

Well, I should go.
There's a pig eating my ham.

Wow.

The Marie Barone apology.

Until today, I had
only heard about it.

And to you. Oh.

There's your
Easter miracle.

No, you know what?
I give her a lot of credit,

'cause that was
hard for her to do,

but she did it
and she meant it.

You know what
I think? Yeah.

I think I finally
got through to her.

I mean, now she sees,
she's not always right.

Is this what Grandma
was looking for?

Oh my God.

Ally, where did
you get that?

- You gave it to me.
- Oh my God.

- What did you do?
- Wait... wait a minute.

I didn't give this to you.
When did I give this to you?

I asked if I could keep my crayons
in here and you said yes.

Oh my God!

I do not remember that.

Honey, I'll take that.

Thanks for bringing
this back, great job.

Yeah, that was so great.

Hey, look. Here's the chocolate eggs
for tomorrow,

you go and eat
as many as you want.

Thanks!

I could have sworn I gave
that back to your mother.

I mean, I don't know
what happened.

Well, here's what probably
happened is that, you know,

I'm doing a million things
and the kids are always at you

and asking for stuff and
Ally probably came up to me

and asked me for something
and I didn't really hear.

And as long as I don't hear the word "gun"
or "knife," I just said, "Yeah."

So, yeah,

that... that's probably
what happened, I'm positive.

Because, you know, I'm doing
like a million things,

and you know, I've gotta
do everything here myself,

and if you would pitch in
a little bit more, Ray...

Oh, no no!

No! No!
Don't look at me!

This is what
drowning people do,

they pull you
right down with them.

Well, I'm screwed,
all right?

You know
what's really bad?

She apologized to you
even though she knew she was right.

Oh, shut up!

Why do you come over here,
to state the obvious?

Is that what
you're here for?

I must say, Debra, this is
not your most attractive side.

What do I do?
What do I do?!

- You gotta return it, now.
- Are you out of your mind?!

Do you know
what she will put me through

if I have to bring this thing back
over to her? You know what she's like!

Look, there's
a way to fix this.

You just return this
to her with your heart in it.

Okay, you listen to me.

I got an apology!

Do you have any idea
what that means?

She apologized to me.

Okay, the whole balance
of power shifted.

It was a beautiful
15 seconds.

You know what? We've gotta
get rid of this thing.

No, you can't do that.
This was my Grandma's!

You know how many cookies
I've had from this thing?

Mmm, and lemon squares.

- And brownies.
- Blondies.

- Fudge.
- Chocolate biscotti.

- Macaroons.
- Oh, the macaroons.

- How about the ginger snaps...
- Hey, fat people! Who cares?

You know, it's just
a canister. It's a can.

Everybody will get over it.
I'm throwing it out.

- Whoa! Excuse me, Deb.
- No, you're not!

Not to get technical,
but what you're considering

is theft and
destruction of property.

And I can't let
that happen to something

that once belonged
to my "Gammy."

Yeah, come on, Debra,
my mother loves this thing.

All right,
all right.

Yeah... you're right,
and you're right,

and your mother's right.

Okay? Everybody's
right except for me.

I just thought that,
you know...

for once, she respected
me enough...

to apologize.

But I screwed up,
so you know what?

Give me the thing,
I will take it back to her

and I will let her say
whatever she's gonna say.

Nobody's gonna stop me?

Nobody cares
what happens to me?

Or not even to me,

but let's just say
I bring this thing back,

and then she thinks
she's always right.

She has more power than ever.

When you say, "Mom, I don't
want to marry that girl.

I think you're
wrong about her."

"Oh, really? Was I wrong
about the canister?"

Or you, when you say,

"Mom, you know, I don't think

you should move in with us
now that dad has passed."

"Oh...

have you forgotten
about the canister?!"

But you guys do
what you want.

It is just a canister.

I'm gonna
turn my back,

you do what
you have to do.

All right.

I'm gonna throw
it out, okay?

I'm sorry, but I can't hear
what you're saying.

Oh, it's a beautiful day,
isn't it, Raymond?

Why, yes, it is.
Sure is, Robert.

Oh, come...

If I don't do it,
it doesn't get done!

This is horrible.

It's done.

Thank you.

I feel cold.

So, you're
with me now, right?

I guess so.

No matter what?

No matter what.

Ray?

Devil, thy name is woman.

Okay, it's time
for Easter dinner.

Come on, kids, we're going to Grandma's.
Come on, Ray, let's go.

- All right, as soon as you're ready.
- Yeah, I'm ready now.

All right, tell me when
you're ready, then we'll go.

- Yeah, I'm ready.
- You going like that?

Oh!

Ally, come on,
put your jacket on.

See? You weren't ready.

What the hell?

- I got it! I got it!
- It's my turn!

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Guys! Guys!

Hold it! Hold it!

I thought you got
rid of this thing.

I did! I put it in the garbage...
the outside garbage.

Boys, where did
you get this?

In the garbage.

You've gotta
feed them more!

What were you doing
in the garbage?

Looking for Easter eggs.

You know... just
wait a second, kids.

All right, look. You have
to give this back now, okay?

It's come back
twice, it's...

it's like a sign.

It's like when you
think the movie's over

and then the hand
comes up!

All right, so... so we just bring
this back, right?

- Okay.
- Good, good, good.

So, you'll just say
that it was a mistake

- and that it was here all along.
- No.

- What do you mean, no?
- No. We'll...

we'll sneak it in.

We'll hide it in her house and she'll
just come across it someday

and she'll realize she
was the one that was wrong.

Except she wasn't wrong.

So you're saying
you don't love me?

Okay, all right, fine,
sneak it back in.

But when you say
we'll sneak it back in,

you mean you and Ally will sneak it
back in, 'cause that'll be great,

like a take-your-daughter-to-work
kind of thing.

- You'll do what I say.
- Yes, I will.

Hi, Grandma!

Hi. I think
the Easter Bunny

left something for you
kids in the kitchen.

Hi, Marie, Happy Easter!

Thank you so much for letting me take
a crack at these mashed potatoes.

- Shall we go check them?
- No, I'm sure they're fine, dear.

Happy Easter, Raymond.

Aren't you gonna
take off your coat?

- It looks awfully hot.
- No.

I'm a little chilly.

- Oh, are you getting sick, honey?
- No no, I'm all right.

Frank, turn up the heat,
Raymond's sick!

No, Mom, I'm not.
I'm not sick.

I just think that this
is a bitchin' jacket.

That's not Easter language.

But it is stylish.
Did I give this to you?

Please, Marie, I want you
to check these potatoes.

I think I left
some eyes in it.

Stop worrying, darling,
they'll be delicious.

- Is this down?
- Marie, I am a terrible cook!

I really want you
to look at these potatoes.

I didn't know what
the hell I was doing!

Well, okay, let's go in the kitchen
and take care of it.

Oh, good. Because I don't
think these potatoes

deserve to share a table
with your fabulous ham.

Hey, Ray...

- What did you do?!
- Nothing!

- Then... then why is it here?
- Look, because...

- Why is it here, man?!
- Would you shut up, please?

- Help me hide it!
- Nuh-uh! I'm not touching it.

You said no matter what.

I didn't know I'd be
battling the supernatural!

- Hello, dear.
- No, Marie...

Mommy! Hi, Mommy!

I just came to tell you,
you have about...

oh, 10 minutes till dinner.

Oh! 10 minutes.

That's my favorite
amount of time.

- Oh, Raymond...
- Raymond, Happy Easter, my brother!

Thank you.

- Yeah!
- Thank you, man. Happy Easter to you.

You know? If I don't
see you, happy Memorial Day.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, isn't this nice?

Oh, this is why
I like holidays.

I'm so happy.

This is brothers.
I've done a good job.

Yeah, you have, Ma.

I... I love
this little guy.

- So, are we done now?
- No, just a little more.

Oh, Frank,
come take a look!

- What?
- Your sons are hugging!

- Want me to get the hose?
- Oh!

You boys have
made my Easter.

Get off me! What are
you kissing me for?

I was in the moment.

All right,
come on, now,

help me hide this
before I throw up into it.

What the hell is
going on in here?

She came in here.
You were supposed to hold her in there.

Hold her!
Give me that, I'll do it.

- Why is this hot?
- Never mind.

Just get into the kitchen
and keep her occupied.

What are we supposed to do?

- You could kiss me.
- Shut up.

Hey, is that
Marie's canister?

No.

Wait a minute!
Let me see that.

You did have
that canister!

She's been going
on and on about that thing

like it's King Tut's
golden undies.

Please, Frank,
don't say anything.

If she finds out
I had this thing...

You're in big trouble, lady.

Listen, I'm begging you, Frank.

What do I do?

Give your heart to God,
'cause your ass is Marie's.

- Frank!
- No, Ma... Ma... no!

- The potatoes...
- I want Frank to help me set the table.

No, that's all right.

My canister.
Where did you get that?

I... was hiding
it from you.

I thought it would be funny.

You what?

Yeah, I was using it to
keep my nuts and bolts in.

Then, when I saw
you carrying on

about how much you wanted
to find the damn thing,

I hid it in the attic.

Pretty funny, huh?

Frank, I love
that canister!

I've been tearing
my hair out,

running around like a crazy woman
looking for that!

All funny.

Oh, really, Frank?

Well, here's what's
not funny, this marriage!

- Marie, I...
- Let her go.

This is so typical of you

and your so-called
sense of humor.

You have no respect for me
whatsoever and you never have.

Well, I promise you
something, Frank.

You will not be looking back
on this little stunt as funny.

I hope you're
happy with yourself.

You have ruined Easter!

Frank, I don't know what
to say. Why did you do that?

I don't know. I didn't
want that to happen to you.

You're like my daughter.

Oh. Thank you.

And she was gonna yell
at me like that later anyway.

I ate the backside
of that ham.

Frank!

- Hello!
- Oh, boy.

There you are.

Debra, could I speak
with you a minute?

Yeah, sure, Marie.

I want you to have this.

What? Why?

I felt so bad for thinking
you didn't return this to me.

- Uh-huh.
- And to be honest,

every time I see it now,

it makes me think
of your father-in-law.

So I either give you
this or give you him.

This is probably
easier to clean.

- Marie, I can't take this.
- No no no, please, dear.

This was my mother's,

and I'd like
to pass this on to you.

- Well, thanks, Marie.
- Okay, well, I'll see you later.

- Okay.
- Frank's watching television,

so I decided to vacuum.

Wow, that's
pretty nice, huh?

Yeah, it was nice of her
to give this to me,

- but I can't keep it.
- Why not?

Because every time I look at it,
I'll be reminded of what I did

and how Frank
took the heat for me.

I mean, that's guilt in a can.

Silly, all right,
it's just a canister.

I know it was you!

- Have sex with your husband!
- Yeah yeah.