Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 7 - Cousin Gerard - full transcript

Hello, Raymond.

Oh, hi, Ma.

- How's your book coming?
- Good. Yeah.

It is so exciting
to see you writing a book.

Thanks.
Thank you, Ma.

Does it have to be
about sports?

Yeah, well, it's either that
or about mothers who can't let go.

- Oh God.
- Yeah.

Listen, Debra mentioned
you might need someone

to help you
get organized.

- Oh, she did? Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.



Yeah, isn't that nice
how she mentions things to you?

Listen, Mom,
I appreciate the offer,

- but I don't need any...
- No no no, it's not me, Raymond,

although I'd be
a terrific gal Friday.

I don't know. I was thinking
about your cousin Gerard.

Gerard?
Oh, I don't like Gerard.

Yes, you do.

Isn't he always
in the hospital?

Well, he's a fragile boy.

I mean, he has allergies
and he has a poor sense of balance,

but he's
much better now.

I don't need anybody, Ma,
especially Gerard.

I happen to know that Gerard
is a very responsible young man,

and he's exactly
what you need.



And I owe his mother.

- For what?
- You know, when Robert got divorced?

She set him up
with Melissa.

I don't think you owe someone for setting
up a guy with his own cousin.

It was just to talk.

- They had a lot in common.
- Yeah, DNA.

No, Ma. No, please.

Oh, come on.
Raymond.

Do I ask for much?

I think you could do
this one thing for me

while I'm still here.

You mean
in the basement?

All right, relax.

Don't go anywhere.

I mean, spiritually. Physically,
get the hell out. I'll ask him.

- You'll ask him?
- Yeah yeah.

- Oh!
- All right, yeah.

- Okay.
- Tell him to call me tomorrow.

- Gerard, come on down.
- What...

- he's here?
- Yeah.

Hiya, Raymond.

Hi, Gerard.

So you're...

you're not
at a hospital.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's good.

That's good.
That's great.

- Raymond?
- What?

So, Gerard, would you
be interested in...

uh... helping me out
around here?

Uh, okay.

Yeah, okay.

All right, well, I'll leave you
two buddies to get to work.

I'll be right
across the street

- if you need me.
- Okay, thank you, Ma.

Gerard, don't forget
to tell your mother we're even now.

Do you mind
if I sit?

Sometimes my legs
give out unexpectedly.

Oh, yeah yeah.
Go ahead.

You don't have to do this
if you don't want to.

- What do you mean?
- I mean you shouldn't be forced

into doing something
you don't want to do.

I'm not gonna have to do
anything weird, am I?

What? No no.
No no no.

I mean, we are
in a basement.

Remember when you
had that idea...

Oh, we were seven.

All right.
All right,

so we're gonna
do this. Good.

So the book I'm writing,
it's about baseball.

You follow baseball?

You want me
to say yes, don't you?

I'm just asking.

Yes.

Okay.
I was thinking,

you know what you could do is
read what I've already done

- and kind of proofread it.
- Oh no.

- What?
- I got a stain on my shirt.

I wanted to make
a good impression.

I suck.

Okay, so all you gotta do is kinda
just check for spelling and punctuation.

Here, you know what? Just highlight
anything that you see is wrong.

That's all.

- Oh boy.
- What?

Already? You found
something already?

Do I have to use
this highlighter?

Why? Why, what's wrong?

This is really
throwing off fumes.

I'm getting high here.

What do you want?

How about
that red pencil?

I'm using it.
I'm using the red pencil.

Okay. Listen,
you're the boss.

All right, here here here.
Take it, take it. There.

- Thank you.
- All right.

"It was Sandy Koufax,
Nolan Ryan to name a few.

- Well, these men are..."
- Hey, what are you doing?

Yeah, it's nothing.
It's good. Whatever.

- And...
- Gerard, if there's something wrong,

- you gotta tell me.
- It's just... I don't know.

Doesn't whore have a "W"?

- What are you talking about?
- You called some guy a whore in here.

Wait wait wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I don't... I don't call a guy
a whore in my book.

Yes, you do.
"Lou Gehrig was the Iron Hore..."

H-O-R-E.

Yeah, horse.
See, I forgot the S.

- He was the Iron Horse.
- Oh.

That doesn't
make sense either.

But that's good.
That's a typo. Thanks.

Yeah, but you would have
found it eventually.

- But you found it.
- Or someone else would have.

Gerard, you did it. You found something.
You're doing good.

I might have missed
something else, though.

I think I was distracted
by that whore.

It's not whore.

I don't write whore
in my book.

Hey, how did it go
with Gerard today?

Yeah, thanks for mentioning
things to my mom, pepper squat.

- What?
- I can't get any work done.

He's allergic to the pen and he
keeps asking me stupid questions.

You gotta just give the guy
a chance, you know?

You try spending a day
in the basement with him, you know?

He's always got something negative
to say about everything,

even when I
compliment him.

Then he keeps complaining
in that nasal whiny voice.

"Oh no,
I spilled whiteout."

- What?
- You could be twins.

- What?
- He sounds just like you.

- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah yeah yeah, that's you.

"Oh, I spilled the whiteout."

Yeah, that's me.
That's not me.

As a matter
of fact you...

What? What?
What were you gonna say?

Something about the kids.

You really think
that I'm his twin.

No, Ray!
I was just kidding.

No, you weren't.
What were you gonna say?

It's just that I noticed

your heads are kind of
the same shape.

Thanks.

"Oh no,
I spilled whiteout."

Oh my God,
I am Gerard.

No, you're not Ray.

Hey, I'm not blind.
I can see and hear it.

No, you're from
the same family, okay?

So you sound
a little bit alike.

You have a few
similar mannerisms.

Your head shape is
a tiny bit the same,

but you're two completely
different people, okay?

You're not Gerard.

Oh, I know, I know.

I know, I know, I know.

- Good night.
- Good night.

You're a much
better kisser.

That's... you know,
that's not even funny.

- You hear me?
- I'm just kidding you.

- Good night.
- Yeah, all right, I'm just saying.

It's not even funny.

You've got
your uncle's butt.

So you don't
live here anymore?

No, I've had my own place
for about a year now.

- You?
- Yeah, 12 years I've been on my own,

eight if you don't count
the hospitals.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi, Raymond.
- Hi, Gerard.

Uh, good morning,
cousin. Yeah.

Hello, Raymond.
You hungry, dear?

I'm making some eggs
for you two.

- Is that my shirt?
- Well, he had a stain on his other one.

Well done, Aunt Marie.
Do you mind if I visit your restroom?

No, dear.
Go ahead.

Be careful in there,
all right?

'Cause you're not
getting my pants.

Where is he going?

- Take a wild guess.
- Again?

What, is he
on the installment plan?

Marie, how long
is he gonna be around?

Ugh, I don't know.

When are you gonna be finished
with your book, Raymond?

- I don't know.
- Geez, oh Lou,

I can't take it
anymore!

I'll tell
you something,

my relationship with his mother
is not worth this.

Hey, wait a minute.
You're the one who told me to...

I know, but he's
such a mopey fellow.

"Oh no, my legs
bother me. Ow."

"I'm allergic, oh..."

"I'm itchy, ow..."

Wait a minute,
wait a minute!

He's not that bad.

He's a schmo...

who's got
no zest for life.

I mean,
he's very negative.

How did you
put it, Robby?

Loser!

And he only comes
over here to eat.

Your eggs are
ready, dear.

You know, Debra thinks
that I'm a lot like him.

And what the hell
was that?

- What, dear?
- It was like time froze for a second.

And when...
what are you laughing at?

You agree with Debra.

No, not at all, dear.

- It's just that...
- Now that you mention it.

It's uncanny!

You think I'm like him
and you think he's annoying,

so you think I'm annoying!

Uh, I believe that's
the transitive property.

There is something.

Raymond,
nobody says you're annoying.

You're just blowing
this whole thing out of proportion.

- Well, am I?
- Yeah, I-I don't hate you.

I wonder
why that is.

Just say it.
I'm annoying!

Right? I got
the same nasal voice.

I look droopy like him.
I'm negative.

No no no no,
I know all that.

It's just
it's different with you.

Damned if I know
what it is, though.

I know what it is:
You're our son.

That's it!

Wait,
what does that mean?

I don't know.
We're used to you.

- Used to me?
- Yes.

This means
you are annoying.

We just developed
a tolerance for you.

Tolerance for me?

You tolerate me?

Goodbye, everybody.

Hey hey!
Don't get mad at us.

Come on,
he's right, dear.

You're the one who came over here
asking us if you're annoying.

Which, in and of itself,
is quite annoying.

Why, huh?
Why is that annoying, Robert?

Because you already
know the answer.

See, that's you
all over.

Debra already told you yesterday
you were like Gerard, right?

But is that
good enough for you?

No, you have to check
with everybody else.

Poll the world.
They won't mind.

Because no one else is really
important, are they, Raymond?

What do you think,
we're just hanging on hooks over here

waiting for you
to stop by?

- Hey.
- Hi.

My mom says next time
they're working on my sinuses,

they should do
a whole nose job.

What do you think?

Well, we were having
a conversation about something else,

but we can stop to address
your concerns, Gerard.

Hey, Robby, you really
wanna see annoying?

Why don't you check
in the mirror?

Bravo.

All right, break's over.
Everybody back on the hooks.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.

- Hi hi hi, hey.
- Hi, Dad.

- You forgot something about last night.
- What?

- That I'm annoying.
- What?

- Yeah, like you don't know...
- Are you there?

- Hi, Gerard.
- Hi, kids.

Got your nose.

- Can I be excused?
- Sure.

Well, Raymond,
I'm punching in.

- I'll be down in the salt mines.
- Okay.

I'll be down
in a little while.

All right,
I'm firing him.

- Why?
- Why?

Because everybody hates me,

and before he got here,
they didn't know that.

Oh, so you're gonna take it out
on that poor guy?

Yeah.

Can I make
a suggestion?

- You wanna fire him?
- No, but if there's

something about yourself
that's bothering you,

then why don't you
work on you?

Why do I talk to you?

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Sorry. Is there
a song you like?

No no...

- Listen, Gerard...
- Oh boy.

- What?
- You're firing me.

What?

It's just
every time in my life

someone has said,
"Listen, Gerard,"

it's either I'm being fired
or there's a medical complication.

No... no...

No no, I just
wanted to talk,

you know, just talk.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Okay, um...

I just wanted
to apologize, you know,

because I've been
kind of grumpy with you.

I didn't wanna
say anything.

It's okay.

You know,
people have told me

that if you're not
happy with yourself,

you should
work on yourself.

And I've been kind of
thinking about that,

and that's why I think that we
should work on you.

- What?
- L... no, you see,

'cause since you're
working for me,

you are then
a reflection of me,

and that is why
we should work on you.

- I don't know, l...
- Now, see, see?

Right there, you're not looking at me.
When you talk to somebody,

you should make
eye contact, you know?

Try saying
something to me.

What do you
want me to say?

You're looking at your shoes.
You should look up.

Make eye contact.

You said I wouldn't have to
do anything weird.

L...

And another thing,
why do you always

gotta look so mopey
all the time for?

That's my face.
I can't change that.

Well, have you tried? You should
just like raise your eyebrows

and smile a little.
Like this...

Yeah, well,
not a big scary...

that's... that's
a big scary smile.

Just a little.
Smile a little.

Don't, don't.
You look like you're in pain now.

Just... well...

Just smile
a little smile

- and not a big smile.
- I don't like this.

Nobody likes to work
on themselves, Gerard.

You gotta stand up
straight too.

I'm not supposed
to move like that.

I think I have
sciatica.

See that's another thing,
that's another thing.

Why do you gotta be
so negative all the time?

'Cause I'm not
very happy.

Well, whose fault
is that, Gerard?

Right now?

You even talk strange.
You're all nasally and whinily and...

- like the word you just said, right...
- Now.

Okay, what does
a cat say?

You mean
a talking cat?

No!

A regular cat,
a regular cat.

What does
a regular cat say?

- Meow.
- Meow, now,

meow, now. You see
how annoying that can be?

Yeah, but what
do you want?

Try it like this.

Right now.

Right now.

Try it again.
Right now.

Right now.

- Now.
- Now.

- Now.
- Now.

- Now.
- Now.

- Now.
- Now.

- Now.
- No... you say it just like I do.

No, I don't.
Just try it again.

- Try it again. Now.
- Now.

- Now.
- Now.

- It's the same.
- It isn't!

- Now.
- Now.

- This isn't about me, Gerard!
- Well, knock it off!

You're really annoying.

That's right.

You know what?
I quit!

I've had it with you and your
whole side of the family.

I only took this job because
my mom owes Aunt Marie.

My mom owes your mom.

Yeah yeah, believe
whatever you want. I'm outta here,

you crazy bastard!

What...

You got problems, pal!
You got problems, all right?

And I'll tell you something.
You're gonna go through life

blind to your problems!

And there's no call
for that kind of language!

Now. De... uh.

Right now. Agh!

Right now... now.

Right now!

Right now!

Oh, good.
Glad you're here.

I'm annoying, huh?
You think I'm annoying?

- Where's Mom and Dad?
- Shopping.

Okay, well,
you're on page three.

I'm annoying?
You have your own place

and yet you're
always over here.

Annoying.

That's loyalty.
That's a devoted son.

Fine, that's your spin
on it. Okay, good.

You can have that. How about the way
you eat? Every time you take a bite,

you touch it to your chin first.
What do you call that?

Quirky.

If I was famous,
everyone would be doing it.

Your feet smell.

All right,
now you're grasping.

How about laugh
right there, huh?

- That's annoying.
- Amy thinks it's cute.

She's annoying too.

I've made my point.