Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Sister - full transcript

Listen, don't forget.
You gotta be home early tonight.

'Cause somebody's coming over.
See, I listen to you.

Yeah, somebody.
My sister.

Yay, Jennifer!
Can I ride her motorcycle?

- No. And neither can Daddy.
- We...

Come on, guys. Let's get ready
for school. Let's go. Wash up.

So how long
is your sister staying?

For a while
I hope this time.

Yeah, well, with her,
we could just be some pit stop

to some acupuntury,

aromatherapy Hindu



festival of hugging.

She's just trying
to find herself, Ray.

She hasn't looked
near the soap.

She doesn't smell, Ray.
That was patchouli oil that time.

Patchouli. What is that,
Hindu for "stink"?

- Stop it, Ray. She smells fine.
- Yeah yeah yeah.

Hi, dears.

I brought you
my big spoon.

Ah, see? Ah.

See, that's beautiful.
That is what a woman should smell like.

Ah, lemon Pledge
and meat sauce.

Geoffrey, do not splash
water out of the tub!

Ray, where you going?

- I'm going to get towels.
- We don't need more towels.



Yeah. Yeah yeah,
we do.

Ray, door!

Guess I'll do
everything.

- Ray!
- Hey, Jennifer.

Hey, come here.
Gimme a hug.

How are ya?

Oh, look at this.

Fresh from the tub.

Yeah, baths.
You can't beat a nice bath.

Jen!

Yay, Jennifer!

Give me a hug!
Give me a hug!

- She smells fine, Ray.
- Really?

Look how big
you've gotten.

- I can't believe how long it's been.
- Yeah, two years.

- Really?
- Yeah, well, you've been so busy.

Oh, Mom and Dad told me
they saw you in Sri Lanka.

It's so great there.
You should go.

Oh, sure, right after
I fold these towels.

- Okay, who wants presents?
- Oh, presents!

Me! Me too!
Me too!

- Sorry, Ray.
- Eh.

Oh, that's for you.

A necklace.

Very pretty.
What are these, Rosary beads?

Hey, look at this.
Prayer cards.

Hey, a St. Jude
rookie card.

Okay, what do you say
to Aunt Jennifer?

- Thank you, Aunt Jennifer.
- You're welcome.

Where'd you get
all that stuff?

From work.

Where do you work,
heaven?

Maybe someday.
I'm a nun.

Right,
you're a nun.

- I am.
- No, you're not.

Yes, I am. I joined
the Sisters of Charity.

We got a secret handshake
and everything.

- Oh, stop it.
- Really, I am a nun.

Or I will be in a couple weeks
when I take my final vows.

After that,
they're sending me to Zaire.

What do you mean,
like in Africa?

Yep.

Wow, you gotta get
a big shot

in your bottom
for that.

I already did.

Man, you're really
into this.

Are you hungry?
'Cause I'll heat something up for you.

Wait.
What do you think?

Oh, about the nun thing?

It's great.
That is just great.

- Is meatloaf okay?
- Sure.

Ooh.
Debra's meatloaf.

You might need
another shot.

You know, the expression
"turn the other cheek."

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry.

I'm real sorry.

- Are you thirsty?
- Yeah.

Yeah, all right. I'll go
get us some drinks. Yeah.

What do you think,
huh?

Can you believe this?
She's gonna be a nun now.

I know, I can't.
She's a nun. I feel weird.

Hey, home come we don't have any
crucifixes hanging up here, huh?

Nothing.
Get a magnet one

for the fridge
or something.

What?

You know what?
While she's here, I'm thinking,

maybe we should both try
to be a little more...

Okay, why don't we start by you going
to church every Sunday?

Let's not go crazy.

Yeah, you know
what this is?

This is just
her latest phase.

Oh, yeah yeah,
the nun phase.

I went through that.
Yeah.

This is her. This is
what she does to get attention,

so I want you
to just ignore it.

- How can I ignore...
- Just don't make a big deal

- about the nun thing.
- Shh!

- Hello there, Miss Jennifer.
- Robert!

A little birdie
told me you were coming.

Ooh, you are still
the world's best hugger.

- It's been awhile.
- Since Ray and Debra's wedding.

Yeah, listen, look,
about the wedding,

you know, that was
a crazy time,

and you know, maybe things
got a little out of hand.

All the free champagne

and things moved kind
of fast, you know?

I thought
you were sweet.

No no,
I embarrassed myself.

No, you didn't.
I fainted before too.

Yeah, but you didn't
take out a wedding cake.

Well, you look great.

Well, so do you.

- Thanks. Things going well?
- Yeah, things are going good.

I got promoted to sergeant,
moved into my own place.

- You know, little stuff.
- That's great.

So how about you? Whose heart
are you breaking these days?

Actually,
I'm becoming a nun,

so I guess you could say
that I'm married to God.

I have a girlfriend.

Her name's Amy.

- Hey, Robert.
- Hey, Ray.

Let me help you
with that there, buddy.

It's heavy.
Let me take it.

So did Jennifer
tell you

about her exciting
new business?

Great retirement plan.

Hey, you know who I loved
when I was a kid?

The Singing Nun.

Oh, yeah yeah,
me too.

Yeah, but only
for her music.

Hey hey hey,
you remember that song?

Yeah yeah yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey. Kids in bed?

Yeah yeah, you should have stayed up.
Boy, a great movie.

I've seen it
a thousand times.

It's almost like the hills
really are alive.

And I like when
Julie Andrews does this...

- You're very talented.
- Yeah, you like that?

Hey, how about this?

Hey.

Maybe it won't be
so hard to give up men.

I just... I love
that song. I just...

Hey, Deb, you got an alarm clock?
I wanna make

6:30 Mass at that church
down the street.

6:30, is God
even up then?

Anyone interested
in joining me?

I usually go
over by work.

- Okay, then, good night.
- Good night.

All right.

I lied half-naked
to a nun.

Please.
6:30 in the morning.

That's what time
she used to go to bed.

Where does she
get this from?

I don't know.

Maybe your sister got one
of those callings.

Yeah, well, then that
call was on hold

while she dated The Who.

Why is this bothering
you so much?

I don't know.
You wouldn't understand.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
I'm too stupid.

I wouldn't understand.
Yeah.

It's not like you're
so complicated, you know?

You're mad at her,
and it's so obvious why.

Go ahead.

You're mad at her
because...

she dated The Who.

No, wait, I know.

I know. L...

you... you are so
very mad at her

because you are not...

the good sister anymore.

What?

Ah-ha-ha!

That's it!

That's it. You always used
to be the good one,

and Jennifer was
the bad one.

But now she's becoming a nun,
which makes her the really good one.

She wins.

- That's not it.
- Then what is it?

I don't know,
but that's not it.

You just don't like me
being right, right?

You're allowed to analyze me
up and down, but I hit

on a psychological
undercoating,

and you... you can't
give me my due.

You're a genius,
Professor.

So what?

So you're the bad one.
So what?

I prefer the bad one.

The bad ones
are naughty.

Get off of me, Ray.

Okay, bad girl.

- Ray!
- All right.

All alone
in Rightville.

This salad is
so wonderful, Jennifer.

It may be the best salad
I've ever eaten.

Excuse me, Sister Jennifer,

mightn't I trouble you to pass
the peas this way, perchance?

She's not the queen,
Frank.

How about not talking
with your mouth full?

How about you jumping...

I'm just trying
to enjoy God's bounty.

- Let me help you, Deb.
- No, that's okay. I got it.

- So you want dessert now or later?
- Now, dear,

'cause I have something extra special for
Jennifer across the street.

- I already have...
- I'll be right back.

Marie, you shouldn't
have bothered.

Nonsense. It isn't every day
that we have someone like you with us.

Ray, would you stop it?

So, Sister Jennifer,

may I ask you a question
that's been on my mind

for quite some time?

Sure, Frank.

It's a rare opportunity for me
to talk to someone of your vocation,

which leads me
to my question:

What do you gals
wear under there?

Dad!

What? We can't discuss
religion at the table?

Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb.

Deb.

What?

Don't pretend with me.

I only know too well the pain
of being number two.

What did Ray tell you?

About you and your sister?
He doesn't have to tell me.

I've seen that
face before...

in the mirror.

No, my sister and I don't have
that kind of relationship.

Oh, no?

Starts the first day they
bring the new one home.

There you are, innocently playing
with your bongo monkey,

all the relatives
just oohing and aahing

over the new
little blessing,

so cute,
so... so precious.

Then Mama's darling
begins to cry.

Someone comes up with the bright idea
of giving him your bongo.

That'll calm him down.

And from that day forward,
say goodbye to your monkey

and assume the position.
You are now number two.

I'm the younger one,
Robert.

- What's that?
- I'm the youngest.

They would be giving me
the bongo monkey.

Oh.

Well, it's just
a very general story

intended to illuminate
the human condition.

Thank you.

Give me more than Ray.

Okay, who wants ice cream?

Thank you.

Here we go.

A special cake

for a special someone.

It's beautiful.

Well, it was made
with love,

in honor of the sacrifices
you're making for us.

Is there a special
dessert grace,

or can we just chop
this thing up?

Let's dig in.

I'm sure I won't be seeing
much cake like this in Zaire.

- Ha, Zaire.
- What?

You're really
gonna go to Zaire

and give up cake
and double-stuffed Oreos and men?

What are you saying?
I can't do it?

No, I just think that
before you become a nun

and move to Zaire,
you might want to, um,

you know, try this lifestyle
out for, oh, a weekend.

Debra, I don't think
that was appropriate.

Me neither.

Not appropriate?

Okay, Jen,
why don't you tell us

what is appropriate
nun behavior, okay? Um...

Hmm. Smoking?

- You smoke?
- I used to smoke.

Yeah, everybody at her
commune smoked.

Sometimes those funny
little cigarettes, hmm?

Hey, how come Robert's
got more ice cream than me?

You were
a pot-smoking hippie?

No, it was just a place
where people could live together

and grow organic
vegetables.

Naked.

You handled food naked?

That's what
makes it organic.

Yeah, the hills
were really alive then.

- What is wrong with you?
- No, what's wrong with you?

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Do you mind?
I'd like to be alone.

- Come on, you want to talk?
- No! Could you go?

Make me.

I would,
but you're a nun now.

I'll put the vows
on hold for a second.

- You want a piece of me?
- Oh, vows.

Hey, knock it off.
I know you can't believe it,

- but I happen to be serious about this.
- Why?

- What, why am I becoming a nun?
- Yeah, why don't you tell me?

Because I wanna be
better than you.

What?

Yeah, that's why
we all become nuns.

I never thought
that was it.

Chocolate, huh?

Still got
a secret stash?

So what?

I always knew
where it was.

You thought
you were so cool,

hiding your
Halloween candy,

eating just
a little bit

so it would last longer
than mine.

You didn't know
where it was.

Oh, boy, this is
the hard stuff.

You must
really be upset.

Well, excuse me, but I'm not
the one that just dropped in

to say, "Oh, hi,
I'm becoming a nun.

So long, suckers."

Debra, this has been coming
for quite some time.

I haven't seen you in two years
and barely before that.

And since college,
you don't even keep in touch.

I was moving around a lot.
I didn't know what I wanted to do.

Oh, and all of a sudden,
you know.

I have known for about
a year and a half.

I've had
a few weekends at this.

Okay, fine. Fine.

But that's not
what's bothering me.

- What's bothering me is...
- What?

You weren't around,

and I was okay

because I thought that
someday you would...

you know, and...

so I've been waiting

and now you're
leaving for good.

I want a sister.

Not a sister sister,
a sister.

I'm still your sister.

No, you're Zaire's sister.

I mean, Ray and Robert,

they have this, like,
completely screwed up relationship,

but at least they have
each other, you know?

I mean, they fight,
they compete

and they blame their
lives on their parents.

They're real brothers.

You know,
Dad still drinks.

That's sweet, but I know what
you're trying to do.

Listen, I know
how flakey I've been.

But this is right
for me.

Just like you knew this life
was right for you when you met Ray.

Yeah, but you get
to go to Zaire,

and I'm stuck here
with his family.

The Barones could use
your help, too, you know?

I can't work miracles.

Oh, then you better
pray for me.

That's it? That's it
for the ice cream?

That's all we had?
Oh, great.

What's the big deal?

Nothing, I just wanted
a little more ice cream. That's all.

I hardly had any. I just wanted
a little more ice cream.

Nothing. I had...
I had squat.

I had nothing.

Nothing. Ice cream.

All right.
All right, quit whining.

Bongo monkey.