Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Will - full transcript
If Ray and Debra both pass away, they want Bernie and Linda to adopt the kids.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You know, I almost died today.
- Really?
That's what you say
when I tell you I almost died?
What am I supposed to say?
"Oh my God, Ray!
Are you all right?!"
- What happened?
- I'm in the press box,
- I'm watching the game...
- Yeah.
...and I'm eating
a soft pretzel.
But these pretzels they have,
they're not moist.
They're bigger than the other ones,
but they're very dry.
Anyway, the salt doesn't
stick to them, it falls everywhere.
Oh my God,
are you okay?
- You gonna mock? You just gonna mock?
- All right, I'm sorry.
- The salt didn't stay on your pretzel.
- Yes!
All right, so I'm...
I'm bending down to wipe
the salt off my shirt, and bam,
a foul ball comes
flying into the booth.
- It came this close to hitting me!
- Yeah?
Yeah!
I felt its wind!
And then I turn and Andy, who just got
a turkey and cheese sandwich,
and the ball knocks
it off his tray.
The soda, pickles, chips,
chocolate cake, everything!
You get chocolate cake
in the press box?
It was Friday.
We get a different cake every Friday.
- But you're missing the point.
- I'm getting the point.
A ball bounced into your world
and disturbed paradise!
Yeah, but the ball doesn't just
bounce in there, okay?
You don't know what it's like
when a foul ball comes at you.
Don't children
catch them?
Yeah, they catch
the ones that come,
"Oh look, bally!
Ooh!"
But this one came in,
"Ray Barone!"
And at the last minute,
it said, "Chocolate cake!"
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right,
make fun, okay?
When the ball does
take my head off,
maybe you won't be
so mockulatory.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Honey, can you be
home by 6:00 tonight?
I made an appointment
with an attorney.
Well, nine years.
I had seven in the pool.
He's meeting with us
about our wills.
Wills?
No no no.
I do not want a will.
It's bad luck.
You've been putting this
off for years.
And I would think
you'd want to be prepared,
especially after your
near-death experience.
Near-death,
I was going for pity sex.
You know,
I don't understand you.
You were fine when we
did the life insurance.
Insurance is too dull
to be scary.
By the way, how much
do you get if I die?
$800,000.
That was a little fast.
Right? Yeah.
Your social security number,
you got to look that up,
but that number,
oh yeah.
Right there, right on the tip
of your tongue.
Ma wanted me to tell you
she's making frittatas.
Robert, you have
a will, right?
Why?
What did you hear?
Is that why Ma's
making frittatas?
Ray and I were
talking about wills,
- and he doesn't want to make one.
- Oh, why not?
- He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.
- No no no, silly.
If you don't have a will
you're tempting fate.
"I don't need a will.
I'm gonna live forever. " Manhole!
I don't know.
Raymond,
listen to me.
You need to have a will and eat
a fibrous breakfast every morning
and nothing can
touch you.
- Maybe you're right.
- Oh, that's what convinces you?!
I've been talking to you
about this for six years!
You didn't fall
in a manhole!
He knows how
to get through to me.
See if you can
get him to floss.
Whatever you need.
That's it, all right.
We're doing a will.
I'm loading up on fiber
and you're out 800 large.
All right,
this all looks good.
We should put something
in there that if I die
you can't marry
another man named Ray.
Excuse me?
Well 'cause eventually
everyone would call him Ray
and me "Dead Ray. "
- I don't think I can...
- Just ignore him.
All righty.
Now all that remains
is the issue
of who should be granted
guardianship of the children.
What do you mean?
Guardianship in the event
that both of you die at the same time.
Wow, party pooper.
I guess that would be
my parents, Frank and Marie...
Ray...
I don't know if they're really
the best choice.
Well...
I mean, they're over here
all the time anyway, right?
They know where
everything is.
Just because
they're convenient
doesn't mean they're
the right choice.
You want your parents?
That's not exactly a kid-friendly house.
All the pointy
metal sculptures.
And your father,
you know...
Ray!
We have
to discuss this.
"Discuss!"
Here we go!
Hey, maybe you'd better
take us off the meter.
Take your time.
Look, it doesn't have
to be a relative.
- No?
- No.
The character of the couple
is what's important.
What are their values?
Are they loving?
Are they patient?
Are they honest?
If we find people
like that,
we should give them
the children right now!
You know what?
We don't have to complete this now.
Once you two get this ironed out,
you can just call me with the name.
Okay, we'll probably
call you tomorrow.
Unless we die before then,
in which case you get them.
Hope you got
a sofa-bed.
- I think he likes me.
- Yeah.
Come on, Ray, we've got to think
about this stuff.
- Who are we gonna get, huh?
- I don't know.
- Oh, I hate everyone!
- Yeah. See, me too.
Oh wait.
What about Bernie and Linda?
- They just had a baby.
- Yeah, exactly.
So why would they
want more?
Look, they'll be experienced parents,
and we love them.
Yeah, I guess.
They're good.
And Bernie always
has candy in his pocket.
They should definitely
be the ones.
All right, okay.
So we're settled?
Yeah. So it's Bernie
and Linda,
we have a will
and you're still alive!
Yea.
I guess we didn't displease
any of your vengeful gods, huh?
Hi, dears.
I saw you had some store-bought pudding
and I thought the children
might want to try
something homemade.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay.
"Attorney at law"?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
- Are there marital problems?
- No.
We were just making out
our wills, Marie.
Oh, good
for you, honey.
- That shows a lot of foresight.
- Yep.
And isn't it good to just
get it all out of the way
and know that everything
now is under control
and you'll never have to worry
about the children?
Yep.
- Marie.
- Yeah?
Uh...
we decided that
Bernie and Linda
are going to be
their guardians.
Thanks for the pudding.
You're leaving the children
to strangers?
Ma, Bernie and Linda
aren't strangers.
Please, you don't
owe me any explanation.
They're your children.
It's your life, isn't it?
That's been the dream.
Well, I don't
want to keep you.
I just came over
to try to,
you know, help.
Ma, if Bernie and Linda
drop dead, you're on deck!
Well, thank you.
And that's
for the children.
Tell them
it's from a friend.
You know, actually, this could
be a good lesson for me.
To learn to be content
with what is
and not to hope
for what could be.
So what could be
is us dying
- and you raising our children?
- Well, not anymore.
I saw a pudding
skin in the sink.
Oh Frank.
Have you heard, Frank?
Apparently, you and I
are not fit parents.
I still want pudding.
Hey.
You're not up
to their standards either.
I know.
What are we
talking about?
We had to pick
guardians for the kids.
- And it's not us?
- No.
Okay.
What, you wouldn't
have wanted the kids?
Would you?
I wasn't even asked.
Well, Robert,
we just...
- Who'd you pick?
- Linda and Bernie Gruenfelder.
Bernie Gruenfelder.
Well, let's see:
A chubby jet-ski salesman
versus a blood-related
protector of the people?
Yeah, well,
that's a no-brainer.
Where's the whipped cream?
Marie, please
try to understand.
I understand.
You prefer to give your children
to gypsies
instead of me.
Cheer up, Marie, we just
dodged three screaming bullets.
Hey, did he take
the pudding? Hey!
Pudding!
Oh...
I know what it is.
It's your father,
isn't it?
Listen to me.
If you were to...
God forbid, and I get
the children,
I'm willing
to leave him.
She is just
a little angel!
Yeah,
when she's sleeping.
- You should hear the set of lungs
on her. - Really?
Oh yeah.
When she's unhappy, you know it.
Yeah, babies are loud.
You know who's quiet, though?
The older kids.
Oh yeah.
Well, your kids are great.
Yeah, they are.
So, Linda, motherhood
really agrees with you!
- You look fantastic!
- Thank you.
I'm wearing more makeup
than a drag queen.
And nursing bras, are they
as horrible as they used to be?
Ugh, they're
very complicated.
That's another good thing
about the older kids.
Forget about the breast,
you feed them right out of the fridge.
- Ray, please.
- Well, you do!
Was that an awake sound
or a sleep sound?
Oh, I don't know.
Just write down
"Sound at 7:07."
All the books say
to keep a sleep journal.
Bernie loves the books.
Helps me feel a little
more in control.
That's from one
of the books!
It's not yours!
I hate you! I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
Write it down:
"7:08, having fun"!
- You want to help me in the kitchen?
- Yeah, all right.
- Get away from me!
- Oh boy!
Thanks.
- What is the matter with you?
- Nothing, it's just...
the kids
are ruining it!
You're ruining it! We're not trying
to sell them a used car!
Maybe we should
throw in the car.
Would you just
act normal, huh?
Let's just get it
over with and ask them.
Okay okay okay.
How are you going to ask them?
I don't know.
I can't rehearse it.
Well, you just can't say, "Hey, when
we die and you go to the funeral
bring the minivan. "
Oh, hello.
I noticed
you had company.
Well what do you know?
If it isn't Bernie
and Linda Gruenfelder.
Robert, they're just
over for dinner.
Oh, just dinner?
I don't think so.
Why is your shirt
tucked in tonight, Raymond?
This is no
ordinary dinner.
You're giving away
the children, aren't you?
- Don't make a big deal out of this.
- It is a big deal!
How could you choose
them over me? I'm family.
We love you, Robert,
but there's a lot of factors, okay?
We put a great deal
of thought into this.
Look, you're single
and you have a dangerous job.
And if you were to drop one of them,
it's very very far.
And also, most importantly,
you have no respect for me
- as a human being!
- That is not true.
Look, you know what?
It's none my business, okay?
Ally, Michael
and Geoffrey Gruenfelder.
Rolls right off
the tongue.
Where are you
going, man?
I thought I'd leave via
the front door.
Or is that just
for fit guardians?
- Don't...
- She is adorable!
Marie, what are you
doing here?
Oh, well I saw a strange car
parked in the driveway.
- I thought something might be wrong.
- Yeah, okay.
If you don't mind, we'd like to spend
the evening alone
with Linda
and Bernie tonight.
I just came over
to see the baby.
You know how
I love children.
Yeah. Look, here's
one of yours now.
Why don't you go put him
down for a nap?
It's okay, Ray.
Madeline, I'd like to introduce
you to Mrs. Barone.
The books say not
to use baby talk.
Oh, you're book parents.
- Marie.
- Yeah, you know the books are great,
but there's a lot you can learn from
experience you can't get from the books.
- Oh yeah?
- A lot of emergency situation stuff.
- Ray.
- Robert.
Yeah, let's say your child
or a child in your care
has put a Cocoa Puff
up his nose.
- What do you do?
- A Cocoa Puff?
That's an interesting
question, Robby.
What would you do?
- They'd do the right thing. Coffee?
- Anyone want coffee?
- I'd love some!
- Um, I...
Stuck Cocoa Puff.
It's a quandary.
- Does that really happen?
- Oh yes, it happens.
Doesn't it,
Raymond?
It happened to me
when I was eight.
And 10.
So what would
you do, dear?
Tweezers?
Absolutely never.
Emergency room?
- Nope.
- All right, stop.
You crunch and blow.
Crunch and blow?
I am very sure
I'm gonna remember that one.
- Okay, that's great!
- Give me another.
Let's say you're driving
your seven-year-old to school
and she keeps turning
the radio louder and louder
while you're driving.
What would you do?
You tell her to stop in
a firm but loving manner.
No. Linda?
Uh...
ignore it.
Excuse me?
Well, you let her
turn it up loud
and then she'll realize
how unpleasant that is
and then she'll
turn it off herself.
An excellent answer.
If you could explain
what a seven-year-old
is doing in the front
seat to begin with!
My my my.
Okay, you can leave now.
You've ruined everything.
Ruined? I've been
trying to help.
You're a maniac.
Go!
By the way, I couldn't
help but notice
that your infant car seat
was positioned improperly.
Have a good evening!
Hey, dinner
and a show!
Oh, sorry about them.
Um, but actually, we did ask you
over here for a reason.
Now? Maybe we should
get really hammered first.
You know, Ray and I
were talking about our wills
and we just think
you're great parents,
and we were wondering if you would
want to be the guardians of our kids
if anything should
happen to us.
And just
so you know,
we're not
planning anything.
Oh, that is
so beautiful.
Wow!
This is big.
Oh, and we love Ally,
Michael and Geoffrey.
- We love all of you!
- We love you too.
- That's why we thought of you.
- Boy!
I don't think so.
What?
I mean, we're so
flattered, but...
Your family's nuts.
Yeah, there's nothing
in the books about that!
- Maybe you want to think it over...
- No, I'm sorry.
You know, if there's an accident
that takes them out
at the same time
as you, maybe.
That's okay.
- I feel just terrible about this.
- Oh, no no.
That's okay.
Believe me, I understand.
I understand.
Hmm.
- We should get Madeline home.
- Yeah, it's getting late.
Listen, I got some candy for Ally
and the twins here.
Thanks.
Thanks for that.
It's good
to see you.
Hey, I hear you're getting the kids.
Congratulations!
No, Dad, it's not really
gonna work out.
What do you mean?
These are really great kids!
It's all right, Dad.
It's okay.
- All right, see you guys.
- Good night.
How did you get
out of it?
- The Wallaces?
- No.
Their house smells
like feet.
Well, that's it, 'cause we've gone
through everybody.
- How about the Zs?
- "Bronx Zoo. "
I saw that documentary,
that kid that was raised by wolves.
Right?
He's a dentist now.
No, there's got to be someone,
you know?
Someone else.
Oh please,
someone!
We could always do
cold calling.
Looks like the kids
are stuck with your parents.
I will say this about your father:
He is a happy drunk.
- Hey.
- You know, I almost died today.
- Really?
That's what you say
when I tell you I almost died?
What am I supposed to say?
"Oh my God, Ray!
Are you all right?!"
- What happened?
- I'm in the press box,
- I'm watching the game...
- Yeah.
...and I'm eating
a soft pretzel.
But these pretzels they have,
they're not moist.
They're bigger than the other ones,
but they're very dry.
Anyway, the salt doesn't
stick to them, it falls everywhere.
Oh my God,
are you okay?
- You gonna mock? You just gonna mock?
- All right, I'm sorry.
- The salt didn't stay on your pretzel.
- Yes!
All right, so I'm...
I'm bending down to wipe
the salt off my shirt, and bam,
a foul ball comes
flying into the booth.
- It came this close to hitting me!
- Yeah?
Yeah!
I felt its wind!
And then I turn and Andy, who just got
a turkey and cheese sandwich,
and the ball knocks
it off his tray.
The soda, pickles, chips,
chocolate cake, everything!
You get chocolate cake
in the press box?
It was Friday.
We get a different cake every Friday.
- But you're missing the point.
- I'm getting the point.
A ball bounced into your world
and disturbed paradise!
Yeah, but the ball doesn't just
bounce in there, okay?
You don't know what it's like
when a foul ball comes at you.
Don't children
catch them?
Yeah, they catch
the ones that come,
"Oh look, bally!
Ooh!"
But this one came in,
"Ray Barone!"
And at the last minute,
it said, "Chocolate cake!"
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right,
make fun, okay?
When the ball does
take my head off,
maybe you won't be
so mockulatory.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Honey, can you be
home by 6:00 tonight?
I made an appointment
with an attorney.
Well, nine years.
I had seven in the pool.
He's meeting with us
about our wills.
Wills?
No no no.
I do not want a will.
It's bad luck.
You've been putting this
off for years.
And I would think
you'd want to be prepared,
especially after your
near-death experience.
Near-death,
I was going for pity sex.
You know,
I don't understand you.
You were fine when we
did the life insurance.
Insurance is too dull
to be scary.
By the way, how much
do you get if I die?
$800,000.
That was a little fast.
Right? Yeah.
Your social security number,
you got to look that up,
but that number,
oh yeah.
Right there, right on the tip
of your tongue.
Ma wanted me to tell you
she's making frittatas.
Robert, you have
a will, right?
Why?
What did you hear?
Is that why Ma's
making frittatas?
Ray and I were
talking about wills,
- and he doesn't want to make one.
- Oh, why not?
- He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.
- No no no, silly.
If you don't have a will
you're tempting fate.
"I don't need a will.
I'm gonna live forever. " Manhole!
I don't know.
Raymond,
listen to me.
You need to have a will and eat
a fibrous breakfast every morning
and nothing can
touch you.
- Maybe you're right.
- Oh, that's what convinces you?!
I've been talking to you
about this for six years!
You didn't fall
in a manhole!
He knows how
to get through to me.
See if you can
get him to floss.
Whatever you need.
That's it, all right.
We're doing a will.
I'm loading up on fiber
and you're out 800 large.
All right,
this all looks good.
We should put something
in there that if I die
you can't marry
another man named Ray.
Excuse me?
Well 'cause eventually
everyone would call him Ray
and me "Dead Ray. "
- I don't think I can...
- Just ignore him.
All righty.
Now all that remains
is the issue
of who should be granted
guardianship of the children.
What do you mean?
Guardianship in the event
that both of you die at the same time.
Wow, party pooper.
I guess that would be
my parents, Frank and Marie...
Ray...
I don't know if they're really
the best choice.
Well...
I mean, they're over here
all the time anyway, right?
They know where
everything is.
Just because
they're convenient
doesn't mean they're
the right choice.
You want your parents?
That's not exactly a kid-friendly house.
All the pointy
metal sculptures.
And your father,
you know...
Ray!
We have
to discuss this.
"Discuss!"
Here we go!
Hey, maybe you'd better
take us off the meter.
Take your time.
Look, it doesn't have
to be a relative.
- No?
- No.
The character of the couple
is what's important.
What are their values?
Are they loving?
Are they patient?
Are they honest?
If we find people
like that,
we should give them
the children right now!
You know what?
We don't have to complete this now.
Once you two get this ironed out,
you can just call me with the name.
Okay, we'll probably
call you tomorrow.
Unless we die before then,
in which case you get them.
Hope you got
a sofa-bed.
- I think he likes me.
- Yeah.
Come on, Ray, we've got to think
about this stuff.
- Who are we gonna get, huh?
- I don't know.
- Oh, I hate everyone!
- Yeah. See, me too.
Oh wait.
What about Bernie and Linda?
- They just had a baby.
- Yeah, exactly.
So why would they
want more?
Look, they'll be experienced parents,
and we love them.
Yeah, I guess.
They're good.
And Bernie always
has candy in his pocket.
They should definitely
be the ones.
All right, okay.
So we're settled?
Yeah. So it's Bernie
and Linda,
we have a will
and you're still alive!
Yea.
I guess we didn't displease
any of your vengeful gods, huh?
Hi, dears.
I saw you had some store-bought pudding
and I thought the children
might want to try
something homemade.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay.
"Attorney at law"?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
- Are there marital problems?
- No.
We were just making out
our wills, Marie.
Oh, good
for you, honey.
- That shows a lot of foresight.
- Yep.
And isn't it good to just
get it all out of the way
and know that everything
now is under control
and you'll never have to worry
about the children?
Yep.
- Marie.
- Yeah?
Uh...
we decided that
Bernie and Linda
are going to be
their guardians.
Thanks for the pudding.
You're leaving the children
to strangers?
Ma, Bernie and Linda
aren't strangers.
Please, you don't
owe me any explanation.
They're your children.
It's your life, isn't it?
That's been the dream.
Well, I don't
want to keep you.
I just came over
to try to,
you know, help.
Ma, if Bernie and Linda
drop dead, you're on deck!
Well, thank you.
And that's
for the children.
Tell them
it's from a friend.
You know, actually, this could
be a good lesson for me.
To learn to be content
with what is
and not to hope
for what could be.
So what could be
is us dying
- and you raising our children?
- Well, not anymore.
I saw a pudding
skin in the sink.
Oh Frank.
Have you heard, Frank?
Apparently, you and I
are not fit parents.
I still want pudding.
Hey.
You're not up
to their standards either.
I know.
What are we
talking about?
We had to pick
guardians for the kids.
- And it's not us?
- No.
Okay.
What, you wouldn't
have wanted the kids?
Would you?
I wasn't even asked.
Well, Robert,
we just...
- Who'd you pick?
- Linda and Bernie Gruenfelder.
Bernie Gruenfelder.
Well, let's see:
A chubby jet-ski salesman
versus a blood-related
protector of the people?
Yeah, well,
that's a no-brainer.
Where's the whipped cream?
Marie, please
try to understand.
I understand.
You prefer to give your children
to gypsies
instead of me.
Cheer up, Marie, we just
dodged three screaming bullets.
Hey, did he take
the pudding? Hey!
Pudding!
Oh...
I know what it is.
It's your father,
isn't it?
Listen to me.
If you were to...
God forbid, and I get
the children,
I'm willing
to leave him.
She is just
a little angel!
Yeah,
when she's sleeping.
- You should hear the set of lungs
on her. - Really?
Oh yeah.
When she's unhappy, you know it.
Yeah, babies are loud.
You know who's quiet, though?
The older kids.
Oh yeah.
Well, your kids are great.
Yeah, they are.
So, Linda, motherhood
really agrees with you!
- You look fantastic!
- Thank you.
I'm wearing more makeup
than a drag queen.
And nursing bras, are they
as horrible as they used to be?
Ugh, they're
very complicated.
That's another good thing
about the older kids.
Forget about the breast,
you feed them right out of the fridge.
- Ray, please.
- Well, you do!
Was that an awake sound
or a sleep sound?
Oh, I don't know.
Just write down
"Sound at 7:07."
All the books say
to keep a sleep journal.
Bernie loves the books.
Helps me feel a little
more in control.
That's from one
of the books!
It's not yours!
I hate you! I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
Write it down:
"7:08, having fun"!
- You want to help me in the kitchen?
- Yeah, all right.
- Get away from me!
- Oh boy!
Thanks.
- What is the matter with you?
- Nothing, it's just...
the kids
are ruining it!
You're ruining it! We're not trying
to sell them a used car!
Maybe we should
throw in the car.
Would you just
act normal, huh?
Let's just get it
over with and ask them.
Okay okay okay.
How are you going to ask them?
I don't know.
I can't rehearse it.
Well, you just can't say, "Hey, when
we die and you go to the funeral
bring the minivan. "
Oh, hello.
I noticed
you had company.
Well what do you know?
If it isn't Bernie
and Linda Gruenfelder.
Robert, they're just
over for dinner.
Oh, just dinner?
I don't think so.
Why is your shirt
tucked in tonight, Raymond?
This is no
ordinary dinner.
You're giving away
the children, aren't you?
- Don't make a big deal out of this.
- It is a big deal!
How could you choose
them over me? I'm family.
We love you, Robert,
but there's a lot of factors, okay?
We put a great deal
of thought into this.
Look, you're single
and you have a dangerous job.
And if you were to drop one of them,
it's very very far.
And also, most importantly,
you have no respect for me
- as a human being!
- That is not true.
Look, you know what?
It's none my business, okay?
Ally, Michael
and Geoffrey Gruenfelder.
Rolls right off
the tongue.
Where are you
going, man?
I thought I'd leave via
the front door.
Or is that just
for fit guardians?
- Don't...
- She is adorable!
Marie, what are you
doing here?
Oh, well I saw a strange car
parked in the driveway.
- I thought something might be wrong.
- Yeah, okay.
If you don't mind, we'd like to spend
the evening alone
with Linda
and Bernie tonight.
I just came over
to see the baby.
You know how
I love children.
Yeah. Look, here's
one of yours now.
Why don't you go put him
down for a nap?
It's okay, Ray.
Madeline, I'd like to introduce
you to Mrs. Barone.
The books say not
to use baby talk.
Oh, you're book parents.
- Marie.
- Yeah, you know the books are great,
but there's a lot you can learn from
experience you can't get from the books.
- Oh yeah?
- A lot of emergency situation stuff.
- Ray.
- Robert.
Yeah, let's say your child
or a child in your care
has put a Cocoa Puff
up his nose.
- What do you do?
- A Cocoa Puff?
That's an interesting
question, Robby.
What would you do?
- They'd do the right thing. Coffee?
- Anyone want coffee?
- I'd love some!
- Um, I...
Stuck Cocoa Puff.
It's a quandary.
- Does that really happen?
- Oh yes, it happens.
Doesn't it,
Raymond?
It happened to me
when I was eight.
And 10.
So what would
you do, dear?
Tweezers?
Absolutely never.
Emergency room?
- Nope.
- All right, stop.
You crunch and blow.
Crunch and blow?
I am very sure
I'm gonna remember that one.
- Okay, that's great!
- Give me another.
Let's say you're driving
your seven-year-old to school
and she keeps turning
the radio louder and louder
while you're driving.
What would you do?
You tell her to stop in
a firm but loving manner.
No. Linda?
Uh...
ignore it.
Excuse me?
Well, you let her
turn it up loud
and then she'll realize
how unpleasant that is
and then she'll
turn it off herself.
An excellent answer.
If you could explain
what a seven-year-old
is doing in the front
seat to begin with!
My my my.
Okay, you can leave now.
You've ruined everything.
Ruined? I've been
trying to help.
You're a maniac.
Go!
By the way, I couldn't
help but notice
that your infant car seat
was positioned improperly.
Have a good evening!
Hey, dinner
and a show!
Oh, sorry about them.
Um, but actually, we did ask you
over here for a reason.
Now? Maybe we should
get really hammered first.
You know, Ray and I
were talking about our wills
and we just think
you're great parents,
and we were wondering if you would
want to be the guardians of our kids
if anything should
happen to us.
And just
so you know,
we're not
planning anything.
Oh, that is
so beautiful.
Wow!
This is big.
Oh, and we love Ally,
Michael and Geoffrey.
- We love all of you!
- We love you too.
- That's why we thought of you.
- Boy!
I don't think so.
What?
I mean, we're so
flattered, but...
Your family's nuts.
Yeah, there's nothing
in the books about that!
- Maybe you want to think it over...
- No, I'm sorry.
You know, if there's an accident
that takes them out
at the same time
as you, maybe.
That's okay.
- I feel just terrible about this.
- Oh, no no.
That's okay.
Believe me, I understand.
I understand.
Hmm.
- We should get Madeline home.
- Yeah, it's getting late.
Listen, I got some candy for Ally
and the twins here.
Thanks.
Thanks for that.
It's good
to see you.
Hey, I hear you're getting the kids.
Congratulations!
No, Dad, it's not really
gonna work out.
What do you mean?
These are really great kids!
It's all right, Dad.
It's okay.
- All right, see you guys.
- Good night.
How did you get
out of it?
- The Wallaces?
- No.
Their house smells
like feet.
Well, that's it, 'cause we've gone
through everybody.
- How about the Zs?
- "Bronx Zoo. "
I saw that documentary,
that kid that was raised by wolves.
Right?
He's a dentist now.
No, there's got to be someone,
you know?
Someone else.
Oh please,
someone!
We could always do
cold calling.
Looks like the kids
are stuck with your parents.
I will say this about your father:
He is a happy drunk.