Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 4 - Sex Talk - full transcript
Marie and Frank talk about their sex life.
Hello.
I'm coming.
Hello, dear.
You busy?
I was just upstairs
folding laundry.
I'm telling you,
it never stops.
Well, good for you.
So do you need anything?
Oh, yes, I was wondering
if you have any...
nasal spray.
Frank has got-- oh!
What's this?
It's a guidebook on how to talk
to your kids about sex.
Why?
Actually, Ally's already
starting to ask questions.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, may I ask what's
going on around here
that she needs
to ask questions?
What? Nothing.
You know, they make robes
that cover up a person.
What?
Yes, with a zipper.
You know, I have to get
back to my laundry.
No no, I'm really
serious, Debra.
Why would you want to introduce
a subject matter of this kind
to an innocent child?
Listen, you should be happy
we're taking care of this,
because eventually,
she might ask you a question.
But I'm her grandmother.
Yes, but you're a person.
You're a woman.
I don't like this,
Debra.
She might ask about
you and Grandpa.
Well, if she does,
I will change the subject
and give her a cookie.
Is that what you do
when Grandpa asks?
Yes, nothing's
off limits.
Oh, Marie,
I didn't mean anything.
Anyway, he doesn't
ask anymore.
- Really?
- Let me tell you something,
there are a lot more important
things in a marriage than that,
Iike friendship and trust
and keeping a neat house.
Well, I'm sorry
to hear that.
People our age aren't
preoccupied with these things.
So how long has it been
since you've had...
S-since you started focusing
on the neatness of the house?
I-l-I don't know.
20 years.
20 years?
You haven't--
Well, no, I wouldn't
say never. I'd say...
once a year.
Once a year
for 20 years?
Yeah, on average.
I'll tell you
something, dear.
Someday this house
will be a lot neater.
Good night.
Ray.
What? What?
I just want to watch this.
What, what are you doing?
- We have a problem.
- Yeah, I was watching that.
Why didn't you
respond to me?
I said good night.
Honey, I'm trying
to get your attention.
All right, can you just give me
one second? This is good.
It's a Scottish guy
throwing a log.
For the championship.
Would you turn it off,
please?
All right.
We're turning
into your parents.
Okay, which one am l?
I've got some news
for you, Ray.
Your sex drive
is diminishing.
Well, if you're my mom,
what do you expect?
I'm serious, Ray.
Look, I used to have to
fend you off every night.
Now it's down
to less than once a week.
- No, it's not. No, it's not.
- Yes, it is, Ray.
Yes, it is, Ray.
Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe if I'm
trying less,
it's because of all
the rejection, huh?
Yeah, I'm like the monkey
who gets shocked
every time he reaches
for the pellet.
Do you realize that
for the last 20 years
your parents have only
had sex once a year?
- Who told you that?
- Your mother.
What?! What?! What?!
Why why why did
you talk about that?
She saw the sex book and we
just started talking and she told me.
Well, why are you
telling me?
Because you're turning
into your father.
Listen, things started
slowing down for them
when they were the age
that we are now.
We're not them.
I just kissed you,
rubbed your chest,
kissed you again
in an impure manner.
You never took your eyes
off the TV.
10 years ago all I had
to do was be awake.
Sometimes not even that.
I'm still--
I'm still...
a sex machine.
Come on.
It was just today.
You know, today, it was
a long day and the kids.
I had a heavy meal.
You know what?
I don't need excuses.
Come on. Let's go
right now, me and you.
Let's go mano-a-womano.
No, I don't want to do it just 'cause you
want to prove something.
I don't want
to prove something.
I just love
to sex you up.
- All right, stop it, Ray.
- No.
You never want
to talk about anything.
I'm ready now.
The monkey never learns.
More cheeseballs?
Yep, and keep 'em coming.
It's funny how you and me
both like cheeseballs.
Yeah, I guess.
Yep, and the ladies.
The ladies?
Yeah, the Barone boys
love those ladies.
Hey, any action lately?
What do-- what do
you mean "action"?
You asking about me
and Amy?
No, not about you
and Amy.
You know,
just frequency.
Frequency with me
and Amy?
I don't think Amy would
appreciate her name coming up
in this type of venue.
All right, so don't use
the name Amy.
Just tell me how often
between you and Gail.
Can it not be Gail?
Because I have a superior
named Gail.
She's a beast.
- Call her whatever you want, l--
- Vanessa.
Okay, all right.
Say, Rob, how are things
between you and Vanessa?
Oh, pretty good.
Yeah?
Like how often would you say
you and Vanessa you know?
You know, to be honest,
it's not like it used to be.
Why why?
What's the matter?
Well, no, nothing.
You know, you get older
and that's what happens.
It's natural.
Yeah yeah.
- Why you asking?
- No, nothing nothing.
Well, wait a minute.
Raymond, do you have
a problem?
What do you got
for snacks?
- Here, cheeseballs. Cheeseballs.
- I'm in.
You believe this game?
Oh, holy hell,
somebody make a tackle!
It's like they're
not wearing cups.
So, Raymond,
what is the problem?
Hey, Robert, this is
a pretty good game.
We should just shut up
and watch it, right?
What problem?
What are you talking about?
Nothing, Dad, nothing.
Sounds like Raymond's
having a little trouble
south of the border.
Oh, yeah?
Mr. Johnson
not showing up for work?
Good one.
Good one.
What's wrong with you?
What are you talking about this for?
What's the matter?
You want me to have a look at it?
Oh my God!
There's nothing wrong
with me, all right?
Ray, look, why don't you just
ask Dad what you asked me?
- Would you stop?
- What? We're all men.
Dad, look, how many times
would you say that you and Mom--
Oh, somebody kill me.
And look, by the way,
you don't have to call her Mom.
We got a system.
You can pick any name.
- Another name?
- Yeah, that way it's not embarrassing.
Yeah,
I think we're passed that.
Harriet Lickman.
All right, look, Dad, forget it.
You don't got to answer.
I already know the answer,
all right?
Your sex drive diminishes
as you get older.
- Hey, speak for yourself.
- What?
Look, I don't know about
Harriet Lichtman,
but as far as your mother
and I are concerned,
the saints are still
marching in.
All right, you don't
have to exaggerate, Dad.
Hey, in this department
I speak the truth.
All right, yeah.
Whatever you say.
Not whatever I say,
what is.
- You can set your clock by me.
- Yeah.
If you set it
every 20 years.
Hey hey hey,
a little respect.
Look, it's all right.
It's all right. Listen, sonny,
if you're having trouble
making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo...
you did not
get that from me.
You want to be honest?
Let's be honest.
Mom told Debra how much things
have slowed down between you two.
Well, I might not be
where I was at your age,
but I think a couple of times
a week is pretty good.
A couple times a week?
Holy crap.
That's right.
And now if you'll excuse me,
all this talk has kind
of put me in the mood.
We should be having sex
three times a week.
Where did you get
that from?
These are
the numbers, man.
If we want be doing it
twice a week 20 years from now,
we should be doing it
three times a week now.
- What?
- My father told me his stats.
You talked to your father
about their sex life?
Yes, I did, and listen,
everything my mother told
you yesterday, lies, okay?
My father told me the truth.
It's the exact opposite.
Twice a week.
- No way, no.
- Yes, yes.
No, that is impossible.
Your mother told me
flat out once a year.
And since when
is she ever straight with you?
Well, she didn't lie
about this,
and Frank would lie
especially about this.
- Why you say that?
- Because he's a man.
So? So what?
I'm a man.
Yeah, well, you lie to me
about our own sex life.
When do I do that?
What does all night long
mean to you?
It's a figure of speech.
Nobody really means that.
Men lie,
and your father's a liar.
That is not true.
My mother's the liar.
Ray, she didn't lie to me about this.
She opened up to me.
Opened up? She played you like
a Hawaiian on a ukulele.
You're impossible.
You know that?
Your father makes up a story
- and you believe it.
- Because it's true.
Listen, when your mom
and I talked,
she told me that she--
Ray.
Okay, I'm telling you--
Fine fine.
Come on. All right, look,
it's already Saturday.
We gotta do it
three times tomorrow.
Hi, Mrs. Scarpulla.
Okay, listen, I gotta ask
both of you a question.
Sure, dear.
What is it?
Uh...
What are you doing?
Uh, um...
She wanted
to ask us something.
- What is it, dear?
- Uh...
Yes, what is it, dear?
We've been getting
some conflicting reports.
And what we would both
like to know
is how often do
the two of you
actually...
Go to the theater?
Have sex.
Oh, this is as bad
as it gets.
Oh my God!
Marie, listen, I would
never ask, except--
Do you understand the meaning
of a private conversation?
Of course I do,
but Frank said something--
- What did you say?
- Hey, I didn't talk to her.
Thanks for blabbing
my business!
What are you so mad about?
You were proud of it.
Just say the number.
No, don't you dare.
Have you no boundaries?
Look, I don't care. If it's out
in the open, it's out in the open.
- Twice a week.
- Oh, Frank!
What are you saying?
Don't lie like that.
- Okay, see?
- Hey, who's lying?
- What's wrong with you?
- Why are we having this conversation?
Come on, Marie.
I got a reputation here.
Word of mouth is everything
in this business.
I happen to be
a lady, Frank.
Ooh!
What do you mean,
Marie?
Is it true?
- Yes, it's true!
- What?
See?
Ew.
Why did you tell me
it was only once a year?
Because this whole topic
is improper.
What we do in our bedroom
is our own business.
And I prefer not to be known
as the whore of Lynbrook.
We can move from Lynbrook.
You know, I don't
understand, Marie.
What are you
so ashamed of?
She's ashamed
to admit she likes it.
Oh, Frank.
How do you know
I like it?
Well who wouldn't like it?
Just admit it, Marie.
Yes, it's true.
I enjoy my sex life.
All right? Okay?
I mean, forgive me,
but in my day
a woman didn't discuss
these things.
I mean, sex was
a wifely duty.
And the truth of the matter
is that your father
happens to be...
very competent.
And it's obvious
that I'm a woman.
And I have needs
like any other woman.
Maybe I shouldn't
be ashamed of sex
because it's a very
natural part of life.
And if I'm lucky enough
to still enjoy
the pleasures of it,
then I'm going to.
Oh, God.
Aren't you glad
you came over?
Frank, tell the truth.
It's not twice a week.
Well, give or take.
The point is
we're not dead.
You know, I can't
believe this,
but I actually want
to ask you something.
Go ahead, dear.
How can you two be so--
shouldn't you two
be tired?
What's there to be tired about?
I don't work anymore.
What else
do I got to do?
And you're forgetting
the most important thing about the sex.
Oh, God.
The kids are out
of the house.
Yeah, for years
you were dragging us down.
You remember the night
when Robby went to his new apartment?
Okay, come on, honey.
I think there's a bottle
of Scotch with our name on it.
Hey, don't take
this personal,
but for the next six months
no eye contact.
So what do you think?
Oh, stop it, Frank.
I'm tired.
All right.
The soup's good.
So what do you think?
I just--
I want to,
but there's still these
pictures in my head.
You just shake your head
like an Etch A Sketch.
What was that?
What that something?
The kids?
No, maybe not.
Mommy!
Okay, I'll go.
Thanks.
14 years till college.
Yeah, I'll see you then.
I'm coming.
Hello, dear.
You busy?
I was just upstairs
folding laundry.
I'm telling you,
it never stops.
Well, good for you.
So do you need anything?
Oh, yes, I was wondering
if you have any...
nasal spray.
Frank has got-- oh!
What's this?
It's a guidebook on how to talk
to your kids about sex.
Why?
Actually, Ally's already
starting to ask questions.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, may I ask what's
going on around here
that she needs
to ask questions?
What? Nothing.
You know, they make robes
that cover up a person.
What?
Yes, with a zipper.
You know, I have to get
back to my laundry.
No no, I'm really
serious, Debra.
Why would you want to introduce
a subject matter of this kind
to an innocent child?
Listen, you should be happy
we're taking care of this,
because eventually,
she might ask you a question.
But I'm her grandmother.
Yes, but you're a person.
You're a woman.
I don't like this,
Debra.
She might ask about
you and Grandpa.
Well, if she does,
I will change the subject
and give her a cookie.
Is that what you do
when Grandpa asks?
Yes, nothing's
off limits.
Oh, Marie,
I didn't mean anything.
Anyway, he doesn't
ask anymore.
- Really?
- Let me tell you something,
there are a lot more important
things in a marriage than that,
Iike friendship and trust
and keeping a neat house.
Well, I'm sorry
to hear that.
People our age aren't
preoccupied with these things.
So how long has it been
since you've had...
S-since you started focusing
on the neatness of the house?
I-l-I don't know.
20 years.
20 years?
You haven't--
Well, no, I wouldn't
say never. I'd say...
once a year.
Once a year
for 20 years?
Yeah, on average.
I'll tell you
something, dear.
Someday this house
will be a lot neater.
Good night.
Ray.
What? What?
I just want to watch this.
What, what are you doing?
- We have a problem.
- Yeah, I was watching that.
Why didn't you
respond to me?
I said good night.
Honey, I'm trying
to get your attention.
All right, can you just give me
one second? This is good.
It's a Scottish guy
throwing a log.
For the championship.
Would you turn it off,
please?
All right.
We're turning
into your parents.
Okay, which one am l?
I've got some news
for you, Ray.
Your sex drive
is diminishing.
Well, if you're my mom,
what do you expect?
I'm serious, Ray.
Look, I used to have to
fend you off every night.
Now it's down
to less than once a week.
- No, it's not. No, it's not.
- Yes, it is, Ray.
Yes, it is, Ray.
Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe if I'm
trying less,
it's because of all
the rejection, huh?
Yeah, I'm like the monkey
who gets shocked
every time he reaches
for the pellet.
Do you realize that
for the last 20 years
your parents have only
had sex once a year?
- Who told you that?
- Your mother.
What?! What?! What?!
Why why why did
you talk about that?
She saw the sex book and we
just started talking and she told me.
Well, why are you
telling me?
Because you're turning
into your father.
Listen, things started
slowing down for them
when they were the age
that we are now.
We're not them.
I just kissed you,
rubbed your chest,
kissed you again
in an impure manner.
You never took your eyes
off the TV.
10 years ago all I had
to do was be awake.
Sometimes not even that.
I'm still--
I'm still...
a sex machine.
Come on.
It was just today.
You know, today, it was
a long day and the kids.
I had a heavy meal.
You know what?
I don't need excuses.
Come on. Let's go
right now, me and you.
Let's go mano-a-womano.
No, I don't want to do it just 'cause you
want to prove something.
I don't want
to prove something.
I just love
to sex you up.
- All right, stop it, Ray.
- No.
You never want
to talk about anything.
I'm ready now.
The monkey never learns.
More cheeseballs?
Yep, and keep 'em coming.
It's funny how you and me
both like cheeseballs.
Yeah, I guess.
Yep, and the ladies.
The ladies?
Yeah, the Barone boys
love those ladies.
Hey, any action lately?
What do-- what do
you mean "action"?
You asking about me
and Amy?
No, not about you
and Amy.
You know,
just frequency.
Frequency with me
and Amy?
I don't think Amy would
appreciate her name coming up
in this type of venue.
All right, so don't use
the name Amy.
Just tell me how often
between you and Gail.
Can it not be Gail?
Because I have a superior
named Gail.
She's a beast.
- Call her whatever you want, l--
- Vanessa.
Okay, all right.
Say, Rob, how are things
between you and Vanessa?
Oh, pretty good.
Yeah?
Like how often would you say
you and Vanessa you know?
You know, to be honest,
it's not like it used to be.
Why why?
What's the matter?
Well, no, nothing.
You know, you get older
and that's what happens.
It's natural.
Yeah yeah.
- Why you asking?
- No, nothing nothing.
Well, wait a minute.
Raymond, do you have
a problem?
What do you got
for snacks?
- Here, cheeseballs. Cheeseballs.
- I'm in.
You believe this game?
Oh, holy hell,
somebody make a tackle!
It's like they're
not wearing cups.
So, Raymond,
what is the problem?
Hey, Robert, this is
a pretty good game.
We should just shut up
and watch it, right?
What problem?
What are you talking about?
Nothing, Dad, nothing.
Sounds like Raymond's
having a little trouble
south of the border.
Oh, yeah?
Mr. Johnson
not showing up for work?
Good one.
Good one.
What's wrong with you?
What are you talking about this for?
What's the matter?
You want me to have a look at it?
Oh my God!
There's nothing wrong
with me, all right?
Ray, look, why don't you just
ask Dad what you asked me?
- Would you stop?
- What? We're all men.
Dad, look, how many times
would you say that you and Mom--
Oh, somebody kill me.
And look, by the way,
you don't have to call her Mom.
We got a system.
You can pick any name.
- Another name?
- Yeah, that way it's not embarrassing.
Yeah,
I think we're passed that.
Harriet Lickman.
All right, look, Dad, forget it.
You don't got to answer.
I already know the answer,
all right?
Your sex drive diminishes
as you get older.
- Hey, speak for yourself.
- What?
Look, I don't know about
Harriet Lichtman,
but as far as your mother
and I are concerned,
the saints are still
marching in.
All right, you don't
have to exaggerate, Dad.
Hey, in this department
I speak the truth.
All right, yeah.
Whatever you say.
Not whatever I say,
what is.
- You can set your clock by me.
- Yeah.
If you set it
every 20 years.
Hey hey hey,
a little respect.
Look, it's all right.
It's all right. Listen, sonny,
if you're having trouble
making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo...
you did not
get that from me.
You want to be honest?
Let's be honest.
Mom told Debra how much things
have slowed down between you two.
Well, I might not be
where I was at your age,
but I think a couple of times
a week is pretty good.
A couple times a week?
Holy crap.
That's right.
And now if you'll excuse me,
all this talk has kind
of put me in the mood.
We should be having sex
three times a week.
Where did you get
that from?
These are
the numbers, man.
If we want be doing it
twice a week 20 years from now,
we should be doing it
three times a week now.
- What?
- My father told me his stats.
You talked to your father
about their sex life?
Yes, I did, and listen,
everything my mother told
you yesterday, lies, okay?
My father told me the truth.
It's the exact opposite.
Twice a week.
- No way, no.
- Yes, yes.
No, that is impossible.
Your mother told me
flat out once a year.
And since when
is she ever straight with you?
Well, she didn't lie
about this,
and Frank would lie
especially about this.
- Why you say that?
- Because he's a man.
So? So what?
I'm a man.
Yeah, well, you lie to me
about our own sex life.
When do I do that?
What does all night long
mean to you?
It's a figure of speech.
Nobody really means that.
Men lie,
and your father's a liar.
That is not true.
My mother's the liar.
Ray, she didn't lie to me about this.
She opened up to me.
Opened up? She played you like
a Hawaiian on a ukulele.
You're impossible.
You know that?
Your father makes up a story
- and you believe it.
- Because it's true.
Listen, when your mom
and I talked,
she told me that she--
Ray.
Okay, I'm telling you--
Fine fine.
Come on. All right, look,
it's already Saturday.
We gotta do it
three times tomorrow.
Hi, Mrs. Scarpulla.
Okay, listen, I gotta ask
both of you a question.
Sure, dear.
What is it?
Uh...
What are you doing?
Uh, um...
She wanted
to ask us something.
- What is it, dear?
- Uh...
Yes, what is it, dear?
We've been getting
some conflicting reports.
And what we would both
like to know
is how often do
the two of you
actually...
Go to the theater?
Have sex.
Oh, this is as bad
as it gets.
Oh my God!
Marie, listen, I would
never ask, except--
Do you understand the meaning
of a private conversation?
Of course I do,
but Frank said something--
- What did you say?
- Hey, I didn't talk to her.
Thanks for blabbing
my business!
What are you so mad about?
You were proud of it.
Just say the number.
No, don't you dare.
Have you no boundaries?
Look, I don't care. If it's out
in the open, it's out in the open.
- Twice a week.
- Oh, Frank!
What are you saying?
Don't lie like that.
- Okay, see?
- Hey, who's lying?
- What's wrong with you?
- Why are we having this conversation?
Come on, Marie.
I got a reputation here.
Word of mouth is everything
in this business.
I happen to be
a lady, Frank.
Ooh!
What do you mean,
Marie?
Is it true?
- Yes, it's true!
- What?
See?
Ew.
Why did you tell me
it was only once a year?
Because this whole topic
is improper.
What we do in our bedroom
is our own business.
And I prefer not to be known
as the whore of Lynbrook.
We can move from Lynbrook.
You know, I don't
understand, Marie.
What are you
so ashamed of?
She's ashamed
to admit she likes it.
Oh, Frank.
How do you know
I like it?
Well who wouldn't like it?
Just admit it, Marie.
Yes, it's true.
I enjoy my sex life.
All right? Okay?
I mean, forgive me,
but in my day
a woman didn't discuss
these things.
I mean, sex was
a wifely duty.
And the truth of the matter
is that your father
happens to be...
very competent.
And it's obvious
that I'm a woman.
And I have needs
like any other woman.
Maybe I shouldn't
be ashamed of sex
because it's a very
natural part of life.
And if I'm lucky enough
to still enjoy
the pleasures of it,
then I'm going to.
Oh, God.
Aren't you glad
you came over?
Frank, tell the truth.
It's not twice a week.
Well, give or take.
The point is
we're not dead.
You know, I can't
believe this,
but I actually want
to ask you something.
Go ahead, dear.
How can you two be so--
shouldn't you two
be tired?
What's there to be tired about?
I don't work anymore.
What else
do I got to do?
And you're forgetting
the most important thing about the sex.
Oh, God.
The kids are out
of the house.
Yeah, for years
you were dragging us down.
You remember the night
when Robby went to his new apartment?
Okay, come on, honey.
I think there's a bottle
of Scotch with our name on it.
Hey, don't take
this personal,
but for the next six months
no eye contact.
So what do you think?
Oh, stop it, Frank.
I'm tired.
All right.
The soup's good.
So what do you think?
I just--
I want to,
but there's still these
pictures in my head.
You just shake your head
like an Etch A Sketch.
What was that?
What that something?
The kids?
No, maybe not.
Mommy!
Okay, I'll go.
Thanks.
14 years till college.
Yeah, I'll see you then.