Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 12 - What's with Robert? - full transcript

Robert set me up.

I mean, you don't give
your girlfriend of two years

a little velvet box
for her birthday

and not have it be
an engagement ring!

Oh, Amy, I don't have
any chocolate,

but bite the heads
off these animal crackers.

Thanks.

So, what was
in the box?

Oh, one of those
beautiful pearl

- we're-never-getting-married necklaces.
- Oh.

You just gotta
give it time.



You and Robert will
get married eventually.

No. We talked about it.
You know--

when he asked me why
I threw the velvet box at his head.

He told me,
"l still don't know what I want.

- It's not you, it's me."
- Oh, God.

"It's not you, it's me."

That's on the "Guys'
Greatest Hits" album.

So I broke up
with him.

Again?
On your birthday?

Why not?

I came into
this world alone.

Oh, Amy.

Oh, sweetie.

No, it's my fault.



I keep falling
for the wrong guys.

This is my pattern.

Your pattern used to be
falling for guys who were gay.

They didn't
start out gay.

They became gay
after going out with me.

Well, at least
it wasn't that this time.

Asfaraswe know.

Yeah right!

Maybe Robert is gay.

No.

Are you serious?

Think about it.

He color-coordinates
his clothes,

he can dance,

he's certainly very
attached to his mother.

And he didn't pressure me
to sleep with him

when I wasn't ready
that whole first year.

Yeah, but then you did
sleep with--

oh, this is ridiculous.

Robert likes women,
he was married once.

Yeah, I know,
he started out straight,

but I turn them.

I'm the spatula.

I should never have fixed
Amy and Robert up.

Hey, they had
a good run.

Sometimes these things
don't work out, you know?

And sometimes they do.

2 1/2 child-bearing years

- off of Amy's life.
- Yeah.

You know what
I don't understand?

That when I kiss your neck
I'm not checking for ticks.

Robert is always saying

that he wants
what you have--

a house, a wife, kids.
He's gonna end up spending

the rest of his life
going on date after date

Iooking for love
with strangers!

Yeah.

I'm serious.

I think Robert needs
to get some help.

He's got this big
fear of commitment.

Is that
what Amy thinks?

No, Amy thinks
he's gay.

Yeah, I'll bet she does.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Nothing, I just--
I think it's funny

how a woman always says,
if a guy rejects her,

"Oh, he must be gay."

You always reject me,

and I don't call you
a lesbian...

every single time.

Is there a chance?

That you're a lesbian?

That your brother
is gay.

No!

Why, just 'cause
he's not married?

Why are we talking
about this?

You will do anything
to avoid sex with me!

I'm just saying,
maybe he is,

and maybe he doesn't know
that he is.

He's definitely not,
all right?

He's my brother.

Oh, okay.
You know,

can I tell you something?
There are some men

that won't even consider
the possibility because it would be

too devastating
to their homophobic families.

Ooh, look at my big words!

I'm just saying

that even if Robert suspected
that he might be that way,

you could see
how he would think

it would be easier
not even to deal with it,

even if it meant
ending up old and alone.

Wouldn't that be sad?

You wanna see
old and alone?

What are you reading?

The obituaries.

I beat all these guys.

Hey, I need to borrow
your vacuum.

Hello, dear.
You're just in time for pancakes.

Hey, those are
my pancakes.

Why can't he wait
for the next batch?

I love him.

Oh, boy,
these are good!

I've been sitting here
a half an hour.

Tomorrow you're gonna
read my obit:

"Local Man Dies
Waiting for Flapjacks."

"Marie Barone
Dances in Street."

"Disaster Declared.

President
to Visit Street."

All right,
where's the vacuum?

Why, what's wrong
with yours?

Ehh, it's hanging
on a curtain.

You were vacuuming?

Yeah. What?
I help out around the house sometimes.

That's nice.
Do you dust too,

with a little
feather duster,

Nancy?

You know, Dad,

sometimes when you
talk like that

people could
get offended.

Offended by what?

Nothing nothing.
Forget about it.

What?

Nothing, it's just...

when you say Nancy,

what are you
implying exactly?

That your name
should be Nancy.

And when you say Nancy,

that's your word
for gay?

Very well.

And you mean that
as an insult?

Yes, I believe I do.

Well, that's not nice.

That's why it's
a good insult.

No, I mean,

that's not nice
to gay people.

You're right.
I'm sorry,

Mary.

Oh, forget it, Raymond.

Forget it,
it's no use.

I've seen how your father
acts in front of people

who happen to be
homosexual.

He's the same ass
he is in front of us.

You know some
homosexual people?

Of course we do!

My second cousin Frieda.

- What?
- You knew that.

I most certainly
did not.

Why do you think
she never got married?

Because she looks
like a pit bull.

She even brought
her girlfriend

to our anniversary
party.

That blue hair who ate
all the meatballs?

They've been
together for years.

Midge.

And you have
no problem with this?

It would have been nice if she left
some meatballs for the other guests,

but I have no problems
with the gay people.

What did you
bring this up for?

I didn't. Last night
Debra was saying

that if someone
in our family was gay--

Was it Geoffrey?

- I told you about him.
- Would you stop, Dad?

Look at him.
He runs funny.

Oh.

We were talking
about Robert.

- Robert?!
- Robert's not gay, he's a policeman.

One of those Village People
was a policeman.

- Robert's not gay!
- Then why did you say he was?

- I didn't!
- Hey, you taught him all those songs.

What? We sang songs
together.

# Somewhere
over the rainbow-- #

Knock it off!

- What?
- That's how it starts!

Oh, please!
He's not gay!

He's dating Amy.

- Yeah, well--
- What?

- They broke up?
- Yes, but--

They broke up?
Why did they break up?

I don't know, Ma.

This is the third time.

- Oh my God.
- Oh, come on, it's not because he's--

I told you,
it was too much mothering.

You're always
hugging him!

Did you ever
hug him once?

What the hell
is happening here?!

Nothing!

Nothing is happening,
Frank!

Could you try to be
mature for a second?

He's still our son.
We need to understand--

Could you both
stop, please?

Hello, everybody.

Robert.

It's fine with me
if you're gay, dear.

Who told you
I was gay?

- Raymond.
- Ma!

I didn't say that.
I didn't say anything.

He told us that you
broke up with Amy again.

That means I'm not ready
to get married.

- It doesn't mean I'm gay!
- All right, sweetheart,

have some pancakes.

I'm not gay!
Tell them, Raymond.

- He's not!
- Sit down, dear.

No, it's just--
this thing with Amy was,

I couldn't commit
right now.

I don't know what it is.
Maybe she's not the one for me.

Is it because
she's a woman?

Oh my God!

Is there a gas leak
in here?

I just want to tell you
that your father and I love you

and we'll support you
no matter what.

Right, Frank?

I'll support you.

Thanks, Ma.

Even if you are gay.

Believe me, Robert,
I did not say that you were gay.

Could we talk
about something else, please?

You of all people
should understand, Frank.

What about that man
in Korea?

I told you
never to mention that.

What?
What happened in Korea?

Nothing happened!

We were in a foxhole.
It was cold and snowing.

We had to keep warm.

We huddled!

You gotta survive, don't you?
It lasted half a second!

You see, dear?
Your father understands.

Our coats were
insufficient!

- It was huddle or die!
- Oh, shut up, Frank.

We're talking
about Robert,

and we're telling him
that we will respect his choice.

It's not my choice!

I know, dear. Frieda says
it's something you're born with.

Robert, just ignore 'em,
that's all.

Ignore them?
My parents think I'm gay.

So what? If they tell everyone
they know, that's four people.

Thanks a lot, Raymond.

I didn't say you were,
all right?

It was a "what if."

Like, "What if we
were adopted?"

It didn't really happen,
but it's fun to think about.

Yeah, well,
have your fun.

He has always been
very sensitive.

He outranked me,
I couldn't say no!

# it'sso nice#

#To be backhome#

#Where I belong#

#You're looking--#

Robert.

I know
you're in there.

I parked
right behind you.

Then move your car.

I don't want to be late
for my parade in the village.

Come on!
I just wanna talk.

Go away.

Listen, I know
you're not gay!

Get in here!

You don't think
I'm gay?

Then why was I outed
at breakfast?

Come on, you know
Mom and Dad.

You say one thing,
and they're off and running.

And what was
that one thing?

Robert's man-crazy?

I wouldn't say that.

I'd say
something like...

"Robert has lovely little
knick-knacks on his mantel."

They are lovely.

Okay.
So what?

I got them
at an antique fair.

All right,whatever!

Look, I was kidding.

I'm sorry that I talked
to Mom and Dad.

I always am.

Well, no, listen,
I never considered it,

but look at me.

I'm divorced,
breakups left and right.

I don't know, Raymond.
If the whole family thinks I am--

Will you stop it?
They don't think you're gay!

They're just confused.

Maybe you shouldn't have
worn that shirt today.

Oh, hey, I didn't
buy this shirt.

Ma bought it for me.

Oh, look,

this whole thing is
Debra's fault.

She put the idea in my head
that if you were gay--

Debra thinks
I'm gay too?!

No! No one thinks you're gay!
Except for maybe Amy.

Oh, only the woman
I was sleeping with?

Look, Amy's got nothing
to compare it with.

She was a virgin
when you met her.

Come on, you've got
nothing to worry about.

Jeez.

Hey, Ray,

Iet me ask you
something.

Do you ever
notice guys?

What do you mean?

Well, like if a guy is
really cut, you know,

when you're at the gym,

you ever notice him?

No.

Oh.

Do you?

Alittle bit,yeah.

So what?
So you notice him a little, so what?

- That's normal.
- Then why don't you?

All right--
I notice a little!

Like I noticed
your knick-knacks.

It's something
in the room, that's all.

It doesn't mean I got
a thing for knick-knacks.

So you never wondered
if you were?

Every guy wonders

if he is
at some point.

- You sure?
- Yeah yeah.

You wonder and then
you see some breasts,

you walk into a wall,
and there you go.

So...

when did you
think about it?

- I don't know. I don't remember.
- You don't remember

- 'cause you never thought about it.
- I thought about it.

- When?
- 10th grade.

Go ahead.

Nothing, it's--

Patrick Lopez wrote
"You're a gay"

in my yearbook,

and I thought
maybe I was.

Just because
he wrote that?

No, because
Patrick Lopez was gay,

and I thought
he would know.

What if I don't know?

You're not!

Even if you were,
it wouldn't be the end of the world.

You'd still be
my brother.

My big
homosexual brother.

That means a lot
to me, Raymond.

Yeah yeah yeah.

I'm glad we had this talk.
This is nice.

I should be gay
more often.

Hey, did you hear
what Ma said?

- When?
- This morning.

She said that she would
love and support me

no matter what.

It's the nicest thing
she ever said to me.

The runner-up was
"You've got spinach in your teeth."

I'll tell you
one thing,

I would have made
an excellent gay man.

- What?
- Yeah, hear me out.

I always have problems
with women, right?

But you hang with a guy--

there's no hassles.
You play some golf,

you tell a joke--
nobody's offended

or you don't even
have to talk at all, nobody cares.

We could sit and watch TV
as long as we want,

and nobody asks,
"What are you thinking?"

Maybe I'm gay.

Don't laugh so fast.
There was a sergeant on our force,

a regular guy,
just like you and me,

who had no idea
he was that way

until his trip
to Hawaii.

What do you mean?
What happened?

A guy rented him
a boogie board,

and a bell went off.

Today, they run
a gift shop on Maui.

So what--
what are you saying?

We just haven't met
Mr. Right?

I don't know.

Debra and I were talking
about going to Hawaii.

I wouldn't.

Robert, hey...

you got someone
in there?

Yes, I do.

Never mind,
I'll come back.

Oh, hey, Ray.

Yeah, hi there, Dad.

What are you
doing here?

I gotta get your mother
off my back.

She's killing me
over this.

"He's your son.
Why can't you be a person?"

So I'm here.

I'm talking to you.

- Okay?
- Okay.

But there are
certain things

I don't want
to talk about.

Okay.

So, you wanna...

watch a game
or something?

Yes! Yes, the game.

The game is good.

How about you, Ray,
you wanna watch?

Yeah yeah,
put the game on.

So...

this is all right.

Just the guys
hanging out.

Dad, let me
ask you something.

You ever been
to Hawaii?

Oh, yeah,
I love Hawaii.

It's beautiful there.

Me and a few of the guys
from my unit

had to stop over there
on the way back from Korea.

Boy, did we see
some action!

I got it.

Hey, how's it going?

I just need you
to sign for this.

I'm gonna
need that back.

- Thanks a lot. See ya.
- Mmm-hmm.

What did you get?

There you go.