Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Christmas Picture - full transcript

Check out how your brother signs
this card to my parents,

and keep in mind
he's known them for 12 years.

"Seasons' Greetings,
Raymond Barone."

- Yeah, Mr. Warmth, huh?
- Yeah.

Hey, you know
what may help you?

Put a little happy face
in the "O."

- Yeah.
- People love that.

Oh, I'm really gonna miss
having Christmas with them.

- Oh yeah, the alternating years, huh?
- Yeah.

That's a treaty that
you and Ray worked out, right?

Well, I was
drunk on eggnog.



What are you and Ray gonna
get Mom and Dad for Christmas?

I don't know.
Every year it's so horrible.

Poor Ray, always wrong.

He's over there right now
fishing for hints.

Yeah, hints!
Heh, he'll never learn.

Mom doesn't give it up
so easy.

She always gives the same
prepared statement every year:

"Oh, I don't need
anything, dears.

I just want
two nice boys."

You two ever try that?

Nice?
It's too much trouble.

We used to just go in on some
Jean Nate After Bath Splash.

All right, I think
I picked up on something.

Oh, want do you want?



Nothing.

Over there sniffing out
hints, Ray?

- What are you getting them?
- You go first.

No no, you go first.

I said "You go first"
first.

So?
You go first.

Why don't you both go
at the same time?

All right.

One, two, three.

Hammock.
You-- you--

You didn't
say anything.

Hammock?

That's right,
it's the perfect gift.

Yeah?

You really see Mom fighting
her way out of a hammock?

Shut up,
she'll love it.

It's like an outdoor couch.
When Dad lies around,

she doesn't have
to look at him.

We should get a hammock.

- Hammock?
- Right, so let's hear your idea.

All right.
You ready for this?

'Cause it blows your
hammock to Oyster Bay.

Family portrait photo.

- Who wants that?
- I think Ma does, okay?

I think I was reading
the signals loud and clear.

Yeah, and what were
the signals, Ray?

She said...

"Raymond, I would really love
a family portrait photo...

instead of something useless
like a hammock."

- She did not say that.
- She will.

Um, you know, Ray,
about this photo idea?

- Yeah.
- It's really stupid.

Why? It's perfect.
It's what she wants.

Well, don't you think?

We're gonna have to spend
this whole awful afternoon with them,

and then after we're done
we have this permanent reminder

of the whole awful
afternoon with them.

- You lose.
- Yeah, you wish.

How about backing me up
here a little?

We're already spending
all of Christmas with them.

Come on, it's a family photo.
It'll be nice.

- Oh, all right.
- Thank you, honey. Nyaa!

It's good we're getting
it done, you know, 'cause...

every year you get
older looking, right?

When I say "you"...

I-- I mean "me."

I mean "me,"
plus $20.

Here are your Christmas cookies.
I have to tell you--

Not yet!

Will someone acknowledge the receipt
of these cookies so I can have one?

- Oh, Marie, those look--
- Good enough.

Hey, Mom and Dad, I think I know
what I'm gonna get you for Christmas.

Better not be a pet.

- I hate people who give pets.
- Yeah yeah, we know, Dad.

Giving a pet means "You're old,
I find you boring. Talk to a bird."

We're thinking of getting
you a family photo.

Oh, Raymond,
how did you know?

You told him.

And you know, Mom, my gift,
unlike Raymond's,

is a total surprise.
And is better.

Yeah, anyway, Mom-- Mom,
we're gonna set it up,

you know, next week. This way
you'll have it for Christmastime.

I'm gonna have Debra
set it up.

Oh, Raymond, you're going
to so much trouble.

Oh yes, he is.

You know, Marie,
while we're talking about Christmas,

I had this idea.

Now I know this year
is your turn,

but I was thinking
of starting a new tradition.

What if we spend
Christmas Eve at my parents,

and Christmas Day
at your house?

That way nobody misses
Christmas together.

That's lovely,

but you'd have to
leave Connecticut

in the middle of the night
to get back for Christmas morning.

Oh no, we would just stay
overnight there

and get to your house
about 10:00.

But-- but--

but the children coming downstairs

in the morning
and opening their presents

and their little faces?
How could you take that away from me?

Well, they'll still
have faces at 10:00.

"Still have faces
at 10:00."

Come on,
10:00 is fine, Marie.

Who needs that
crack-of-dawn crap?

Grandpa will give
a better show at 10:00.

I have to say, Debra,
you're killing Christmas.

Marie, it's really not
that big of a deal.

Right, Ray?

Don't you think
it's a good idea, Ray?

Just like I thought the family photo
was a good idea.

I loved that idea,
didn't l, Ray?

It just sounds like
a lot of driving.

Dad, could I borrow $20?

I think you made
a wonderful gift choice.

You have
a lovely family.

You haven't met
everybody yet.

Don't worry, I can
handle anything.

I used to be a crime scene
photographer.

Well, they won't be as quiet
as your other clients.

- All right, we're here.
- Hi.

What happened?
You were right behind us.

Your father parked
a mile away.

There's meters
right out front.

That's right, meters,
money, your father.

Mouth, noise,
your mother.

Frank, there's a mirror over there.
Why don't you go comb your--

oh, that's right.

Professional photography,
one of the all-time great rackets.

- All right, Dad, please.
- Grab a camera, find some chumps,

make 'em smile
and say "rip-off!"

What are you doing?

Think that you're taking
the picture dressed like that?

Ray, I had to come
straight from work, okay?

- You did this on purpose.
- What?

Wearing that. You're trying
to screw up my gift, right?

Hammock?

Calm down,
I've brought clothes.

Yeah, well put 'em on,
and just watch yourself.

Hi, Robby.
You're gonna change,

- aren't you, honey?
- Yes, Ma.

Listen, Ma, I still don't understand
why Amy couldn't be in the picture.

Well, because it's
a Barone family picture.

- Is she a Barone?
- Not yet, Ma.

When you make her a Barone,
she'll be in the picture.

Stop pressuring me!

You're not changing?
Mom, tell him to change.

Okay okay, I'm going.

"Mr. Portraiture!"

- Yeah, that's funny.
- Come on now now now

now, boys boys...

part of my present,
as lovely as this is, Raymond,

is that we have
a family picture that's happy.

And part of a family picture
that's happy is what?

- I wouldn't know.
- It's-- he's--

Come on, part of a family picture
that's happy is what?

Two nice boys.

That's nice, dears.

- See now that's a Merry Christmas!
- Hi, all!

Oh! Mom and Dad!

Feliz Navidad!

What did you do?

- Hello, everyone.
- I'm so glad you're here.

I was getting worried.

The bloody parkway
was completely jammed.

I mean jammed!

- Hello, Robert.
- Hello.

Oh, Marie,
isn't this exciting?

A picture
of all of us!

Do you know we don't have
any photos of us together?

I wonder
why that is.

Raymond, could I see you
for a minute, please?

Ow ow, nails
nails nails!

Raymond, you know that I care
for Debra's parents a great deal.

Everybody knows that.

Don't be fresh.

Why are Warren
and Lois here?

I don't know. I'm just
as surprised as you are, Mom.

I'm not surprised,
Raymond.

I'm disappointed.

All right,
no, don't.

Don't get
disappointed.

Isn't this my present?

You finally got me
a decent present--

It's still decent,
Mom.

Look, all right... just help Robert
tuck his shirt in, or something.

Hola, Ramon!

Yo estoy listo
para la fotografia.

- Okay.
- That's "Hello, Raymond.

I am ready
for the photograph."

I'm practicing my Spanish
'cause Lois and I are

on our way
to Buenos Aires.

Oh yeah?

What time's the flight?

Well, it won't be
for a couple of weeks now.

Despues del ano nuevo.

Yeah yeah, that's great,
that's great.

I brought another pashmina
in case you want to wear one too.

Oh, that'll be so cute,
matching pashminas!

I'll be right back.
Oh this is such fun, Raymond!

Yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah.

What's with
your parents?

- What are you talking about?
- My-my mom's all upset.

She didn't know your parents
were going to be in the picture.

Of course they're
gonna be in the picture.

- You told them to come?
- Well, yes, Ray.

I mean you said
"family photo," so...

family photo.

But you didn't even
tell me.

I assumed you knew that my parents
were part of the family.

Okay, yes, I knew.
But-- but you had to know

that my mom would go all
"Dog Day Afternoon" on us

if your parents
are in her picture!

Well, uh--

Aaah-oh!

What?

- What, what's the matter?
- You did know she would hate this.

You did know.

Sabotage!

- What are you talking about?
- Why are your parents here?

Because they're part
of the family, Ray.

And since I won't be
seeing them at Christmas--

Aaah-oh... okay.

Little Debbie's
Revenge.

You're trying to get back
at me 'cause I didn't support you

with your little stupid
Christmas Day thing.

It is not stupid for me
to want to be with my family

- at Christmas instead of yours.
- You said "instead of mine."

You don't want to be
with mine at all.

- I am with them every day!
- Well so am l!

Okay, we're almost ready
for the grown-ups.

- Hey, Snaps!
- Officer Barone!

Hey, I haven't seen you
since I left the force!

- Yeah, well, I made sergeant.
- Hey!

So you're taking pictures
of the living now, huh?

Yeah.
Mostly.

What was our last job together?
What was it, the uh, the Bronx?

That's right, yeah.
Decapitation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

- Can we just take the picture?
- Look, you better go tell your parents

that this is not cool.

I certainly will not.

Why don't you tell your mother
she better accept the fact

that she does get to decide
who is in and out of this family.

Just talk to your mother.

You talk to your mother.

- Hey, how much longer?
- I don't know, a couple of minutes.

- Look, I gotta do something.
- I can't take that Warren anymore.

- "Senor Windbag."
- All right.

He keeps telling me
about his latest collection--

vintage walking sticks.

- What do you want from me?
- Talk about a waste of money,

he doesn't even limp.

Just go,
be nice to him.

He's even got one
that holds booze in it.

Surprise!

Hey, Ma,
how you doin'?

- Did you talk to Debra?
- Yes, I did, we had a great talk.

- Now here's the thing--
- Raymond--

No, just listen, Mom.

It's Christmas.

You know, you--
you love Christmas.

Remember that Christmas movie,
"A Christmas Carol"?

Remember the little
crippled boy, and he said,

he said "Merry Christmas
to all and to all a good night."

So he wants us...

"all"...

to have a "good"...

Okay, how about this?

We put her parents
at the edge of the picture

and later you can
cut them out.

It's all right, Raymond.

I'm not feeling very well.

Why don't you all take
the picture without me?

Mom, I did this
for you, Mom.

- I did it for you.
- I thought so too.

All right,
just wait here.

Excuse me, Ray, can l
ask you something?

- What?
- Amy can't be in the picture,

but there's plenty of room
for Hoity and Toity?

What? I don't care.
I don't care if Amy's in it or not.

- Talk to Mom.
- See, I would, but she's pretty upset.

Nice gift.

Okay, everybody,
whenever you're ready.

Yeah, okay, sure.

All right, listen.

She's crying.

She is not.

She's got
the "dry cries."

Ray, as soon as I get the adults in,
then I can bring in the kids.

Right, no problem.
Are you gonna help me?

No! This is so typical
of your mother.

It's either her way
or no way--

this picture, where we spend
the holidays, how I raise my children.

Well guess what?
Not this time.

Oh, come on!
You're killing me here!

This is the first gift I'm getting her that
even has a chance of working!

Remember the toaster, huh?

The aquarium?

The Fruit of the
Frickin' Month Club!

Don't you see?

I thought she would
like this because...

she told me she would!

Just take the picture,
and then I'll do whatever you want.

All right,
we'll take the picture.

- Thank you.
- As long as my parents can be in it.

Ack--!

Fine, okay, fine.
They're in.

They're in.
Thank you for understanding.

Now if we could just please
get over there. Please, come on.

Did I tell you how
beautiful you look?

You look beautiful.
You're like a nice little peach.

Okay, Dad, we're ready. Enough with
the cookies, enough, come on.

Had enough cookies,
and let's straighten the tie...

Hey, it's too tight.
You're popping my head off!

Yeah, we wouldn't
want to do that!

Okay, Warren,
vaya con Dios.

Actually Raymond,
that means "Go with God."

Well that's good.
I learned something new today, okay.

Right over there,
vaya con Franco.

- Oh, no--
- Yeah, here you go.

Okay, ho ho hee--
okay.

Come on, Robert!
You ready?

Yeah.

What are you doing?
You said you were gonna change.

I decided not to.

Look, it's not my fault
that Amy's not in the picture.

Tell you what.
Debra's not allowed in your hammock.

You're not either.

Fine.

All right, leave your uniform on.
Just get over there?

- "Get over there" what?
- Get over there now.

"Get over there..."

Please?

There you go, Raymond.

You'll find that a little
kindness goes a long way.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

All right,
that's almost everybody.

All right, Ma, it looks like
it's all gonna work out.

It doesn't look
that way, Raymond.

No no, it is.

It is. You smell nice. What is that?
Is that a new perfume?

No, it's what
I always wear.

It's my Jean Nate.

I've always--
I've always loved that.

And I gotta say
something.

I've never told you this,
but you know what

one of my favorite things
about you is?

- What are you doing?
- No, Ma, please,

I'm just trying to compliment you,
that's all. I just--

I just love the way you're just
so open-minded and considerate,

especially when someone's
trying to do something for you.

Raymond, you are putting me
into a very awkward situation.

No, I'm not. I'm putting you
into your Christmas picture,

which you're gonna love.
Hey, everybody, look, it's Mom.

If you could just,
please, just try to smile.

I will, Raymond, but this
is not the present I wanted.

Raymond, I just noticed
that this background is blue.

Do I have time to change
into my gray pashmina?

Get back in your place!

We're taking
this damn picture!

Would you see what I'm dealing
with here? Are you blind?

- Uh, Raymond--
- Baaah!

No habla talkie talkie, okay?

I've had it with trying
to make everybody happy!

I was trying to do
something nice!

I'm sick of everybody
coming up to me,

"Oh talk to Debra."
"Talk to your mother."

"Why can't my girlfriend
be in the picture?"

"Oh, I don't want to spend
Christmas with them."

"Fix it, Raymond, talk."
I'm done talking!

Don't talk to me
anymore, you hear me?

If you wanna talk,
talk to yourselves 'cause I'm out!

Maybe I'll just
wear the blue.

Okay, here we go.

- I don't think we'd better--
- We're taking the picture.

- Come on, guys.
- If you need five minutes, I can--

- No no, take the picture.
- All right, look over here,

give me a big smile,
and say "Merry--

Take the damn picture!

All righty.
One, two--

Now we're warming up.
These are living people. All right.

One more.
Here we go.

All right, come on.
Smile everybody.

We don't want Raymond
to throw another hissy fit.

Good, that's right.

All right.
One for the mantel now.

"Nobody talk
to me anymore!"

Very good!
Very good!

One, two--

Robert got you
a hammock.