Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 16 - Frank's Tribute - full transcript
Ray and Robert make a tribute to Frank for his 'Man of the Month' party at the lodge.
- Ma, what is it?
What happened?
- Ugh, it just never stops
with your father.
- What did he do?
- He was voted
man of the year.
- Man of the year?
What has happened
to "time" magazine?
- No, no. At his lodge.
- What has happened
to his lodge?
- They're so stupid.
Women aren't even allowed
near the place
Until they want one of us to
arrange a tribute or something.
- Tribute?
We gotta go?
I got dibs on
"I'm sick" that night.
You do some cop
overtime at work.
Monkey on a bus somewhere.
Yeah.
- No, no. I want to go.
It's an honor to be
son of man of the year.
- I don't even want
to be brother of guy
Who wants to be son
of man of the year.
- No. Robert has
the right attitude.
This is a big deal
for your father.
And I want nothin'
to do with it.
- What do you mean?
Thought you had
to organize the whole thing.
Oh, no!
- Oh, yeah, you two
are gonna do this
'cause your father's
very excited.
He's already
bothering me about it.
- Dad knows about this?
- They don't surprise
the man of the year anymore.
That's how they lost
the last man of the year.
- Come on, cubby,
we'll do it together.
What do we have to do, ma?
Come on, you tell me.
- The guy said something
about a presentation
Or some
prepared remarks.
- Well, what guy?
- I don't know.
The grand high idiot.
Here, raymond, sit down.
You're doing this.
You could do a song.
- You know that one number
I've always loved?
From "south pacific"?
Where the guy wears the grass
skirt and the coconut bra?
Yee hah hah.
- What do you do
in that apartment?
- Hello, family.
I believe you're in
the chair of the year.
- Congratulations, dad.
I think it's great.
- Thank you,
but you know...
I'm just a simple man
Who tried to make
a difference.
I still put my pants on
one leg at a time.
- Yeah, and when can we
look forward to that?
- Hey, nice pool.
What a great hangout.
- Hey, let's talk to this guy
right over here.
- Excuse me, sir.
Can we talk to you
for a second?
- Sure.
- We'd like to ask you some
questions about frank barone.
- Shoot.
- Number one--
Why aren't you wearing
a bathing suit?
- It's obviously
lodge policy.
- It's tradition.
- Maybe we shouldn't
film in here.
- No, no. It's fine.
I'll tell ya what.
I'm gonna set up
right here
And state your name,
And raymond here's gonna
interview you a little,
- Listen, I don't
want to interview.
Let me
hold the camera.
- Come on, ray.
Can't ya see the guy's
gettin' cold?
All right,
here we go.
Uh, uh,
I don't know.
Uh...Action!
- All right, all right,
I'm here with...
I'm here with--what did you
say your name was?
- Abe warcheiser, but everybody
calls me bullethead.
- All right...
Bullethead...
Just tell us why
you like frank barone.
- I don't like frank barone.
- Okay...
- Can I get back
in the pool now?
- Yeah. Please.
[splash]
That's gotta hurt.
- Jeez, he doesn't
like dad.
- You're worried about
what bullethead thinks?
Hey, excuse me, sir...
Listen, you know
frank barone, right?
- What of it?
- Well, we're doing a tribute.
You guys elected him
man of the year.
- We're down to him?
Sheesh.
- Maybe these guys
don't know dad so well.
- Yeah, but maybe they do.
- Hey--hey, look.
There's his friends from poker!
Hey, garvin, stan.
- Hey, robert!
Hey, ray's here!
Hah, hah!
- Hey, garvin, hi.
How are ya? Hi, stan.
- Hey, ray, what's goin' on
with the video?
- Well, it's for dad's tribute.
Look, this is perfect.
You guys could
do it together.
Okay? And ready, ray?
And...Action.
- H-h-hey, it's rollin'?
- Yeah, okay. All right,
we're here with garvin--
- Hey, frank,
you owe me 50 bucks!
You gave me your word,
I ain't heard from ya since.
You been ducking me
for a year and a half,
You hear me?
- 50 bucks is nothin'.
How 'bout the dent
you put in my car?
You tell me
it wasn't you.
I have eyewitnesses!
And I have a bill.
I wish I had pockets
'cause I'd carry it with me.
Wait right here!
- You're a liar!
A liar, you hear me?
Liar!
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Hey, ray, it's really nice
to see ya again, you know?
Take care there,
buddy, huh?
Hey, say hi to your mom.
[splash]
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
Maybe we can piece
something together in editing.
You know?
Excuse me, guys.
Just start rollin'.
Hi. Uh, we just want to
ask a few questions,
If you don't mind.
Uh, how do you
feel about...
Chocolate?
["wind beneath my wings"
playing]
- Really good.
- My favorite.
- Delicious.
Always delicious.
- Sure, I like...
- Frank barone.
- I can't get enough.
- It's my favorite.
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- My wife goes nuts for...
- Frank barone.
- A wonderful gift.
- Who doesn't like...
- Frank barone.
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Come on, dad,
what are ya doin'?
- That was a tribute?
- What, you didn't like it?
- It was stupid.
And it was so short.
- Yeah, well, we kinda went with
a fast, mtv kind of editing.
- Well, I didn't get it.
And what's with carrelli
saying he likes me hot
With marshmallows?
- I told you
to get rid of that.
- It was cute.
With debra and the kids
and enjoy your free steak?
- Frank, what are you doing?
- Come on, marie,
we're going home.
- What are you talkin' about?
This is your big night.
- It's not so big anymore.
Let's go.
- You didn't even
finish your steak.
- I'm not hungry.
- Shoulda dressed
like broads.
- Would you stop?
The boys did nothing wrong.
You wanted them
to make you a tribute,
They made you a tribute.
- I can't wait for my eulogy.
- You still don't walk out
on an evening
That your sons
planned for you.
- Tom chervenak got a tribute
that lasted 37 minutes!
The guys made
a whole video on his life
And--and with big speeches
and laughs
And how much
they love him.
Then they did
a big, wonderful music thing
Where they all
dressed up like broads.
- Well, robbie was ready
to dress up.
- That stunk, what they did,
all right?
I know a tribute.
They're not welcome
in this house anymore.
- Oh, really?
- That's correct.
- So they let you down?
- Yes.
- And what about
your buddies at the lodge?
- What about them?
- Don't you think if they had
said something great
That raymond and robbie
would have put it in?
Isn't that what's
really bothering you?
[tv plays]
- Frank, what are you doing?
- I'm watching.
- Come on, shut that off,
please.
- Quiet. I can't hear.
- Would you shut it, frank?
- [on tv]
I'm the veggie wedge man...
- Stupid crap.
You know what?
I'm quittin' that lodge.
- Good.
- What do you mean, "good"?
- It's a stupid lodge.
It's full of
crotchety old men
Who think
the greatest luxury in life
Is sweating naked
and coughing.
And all you ever do
is complain about them.
- Why didn't you
say something before?
- It gets you out
of the house.
Come on,
let's go to bed.
- Hey.
- What?
- What--what would
you...Say?
- What?
- What would you say
in a tribute?
- What do you mean?
- [sighs]
What would you say
in a tribute to me?
- W-well, I don't know, frank.
They didn't ask me.
- Okay.
- I would say he's been
my husband for 42 years,
That we have
two wonderful boys together
And three beautiful
grandchildren.
Isn't that right?
- That's it?
- L-l-let me finish.
And...That he's always
been there for us
And been a good provider,
And that even though
we squabble every now and then,
I know that...
He's the one for me.
And whatever I did
to deserve him,
I'll live with.
- I like that.
With the humor.
Yeah.
- Now...Can I ask you
something?
- Come on,
let's go to bed.
- No, no.
Oh, come on, frank.
We were talking.
- I'm tired.
I'm goin' to bed.
- Oh, sure. Now you got
what you need from me,
Now you're goin' to sleep.
What else is new?
- What do ya want?
- I want to have
a conversation, frank.
I want to talk to you.
Is that asking so much?
- I know where this is goin'.
- Good. Come here.
Sit down here, please.
- How much talking
can a guy take?
- Thank you.
Now...
What would
your tribute for me be?
Well?
- This is stupid.
- It wasn't stupid
when you just asked me.
- Yes, it was.
I now realize how stupid it was.
- Well, I gave you
A very lovely
and generous answer,
Didn't I?
Well, didn't I?
- All right.
What are you
getting ready for?
I'm not
anointing you here.
- Well, it isn't every day
That you say nice things
about me.
- Well, it's not every day
that you force me.
- Oh, stop it, frank.
Come on, what were you
gonna say?
- Sometimes you spit
when you talk.
- Oh, that's it.
That's it!
- Hey, what did I say?
Come on.
You're the one for me!
- You want to know why people
don't love you, frank?
You want to know?
'cause you offer them nothing.
That's right.
You have to give love,
frank, to get it.
And you have never, ever
been willing to do that.
You just take
and take and take
And expect everybody
To accept your obnoxious,
horse's ass of a personality,
And everybody has to put up
with it because it's you.
You know what
the sad part is?
You are surrounded by family
who happen to love you anyway,
And you push them away.
You push us all away.
You don't have
to push anymore.
[festive music]
You're not gonna
talk to me about this?
Frank?
This is not
a marriage, frank.
A marriage is two people
sharing things, talking,
And if they have a problem,
they talk about it.
You don't just sit there
And wait for the other one
to go away.
- [tv announcer] and I'll
tell you what it makes
Better than anything else,
Than anything you'll find
anywhere else.
Did someone say sandwiches?
- Yes.
- Takes care of
the entire process--
- We're gonna
talk about this.
- Aw, crap.
Jeez.
- Oh, stop it, frank.
- A guy wants to go to bed,
he gets attacked by a kabuki.
- Oh, stop it.
- All right.
- Now, you talk to me.
- All right.
Look, I, uh, know
the boys did their best.
I know, uh,
it's my own stupid fault
If people aren't
crazy about me.
And I'm sorry
to everybody.
- You're just saying that
so I'll leave you alone.
You still can't think of
anything nice to say about me?
- How 'bout
I sleep on it?
- It's all jokes.
[crying softly]
[water runs]
- Frank, what are you doing?
No, no, no.
I need that.
Frank...
- I like you better
without the crap on your face.
- Oh, frank.
- Okay?
- You should try
And say something
like that to me every day.
- I'll try.
Hey, uh...
- What?
- Well, I am
man of the year.
- Yes, you are.
- And I'm lookin' to move up
from man once a year.
See?
With the humor.
- Want to go to bed?
- I just...Ahh...
- Oh, honey, what?
You didn't
do anything wrong.
I liked that tribute.
Made me hungry.
- I don't know.
Maybe I should apologize.
I--you know what?
We'll all feel better
if I just call.
- What, are they not home?
- I don't know.
Nobody's answering.
H-hello? Yeah, dad.
- [yelling indistinctly]
- are you okay?
Yeah. No, I just...
I wanted--
about the tribute--
- Do you know
what time it is?
- All right! Okay.
I just--I didn't--
all right. Okay. Sorry.
- What's he
calling now for?
- I don't know.
- You know,
sometimes I wish
They didn't
live across the street.
What happened?
- Ugh, it just never stops
with your father.
- What did he do?
- He was voted
man of the year.
- Man of the year?
What has happened
to "time" magazine?
- No, no. At his lodge.
- What has happened
to his lodge?
- They're so stupid.
Women aren't even allowed
near the place
Until they want one of us to
arrange a tribute or something.
- Tribute?
We gotta go?
I got dibs on
"I'm sick" that night.
You do some cop
overtime at work.
Monkey on a bus somewhere.
Yeah.
- No, no. I want to go.
It's an honor to be
son of man of the year.
- I don't even want
to be brother of guy
Who wants to be son
of man of the year.
- No. Robert has
the right attitude.
This is a big deal
for your father.
And I want nothin'
to do with it.
- What do you mean?
Thought you had
to organize the whole thing.
Oh, no!
- Oh, yeah, you two
are gonna do this
'cause your father's
very excited.
He's already
bothering me about it.
- Dad knows about this?
- They don't surprise
the man of the year anymore.
That's how they lost
the last man of the year.
- Come on, cubby,
we'll do it together.
What do we have to do, ma?
Come on, you tell me.
- The guy said something
about a presentation
Or some
prepared remarks.
- Well, what guy?
- I don't know.
The grand high idiot.
Here, raymond, sit down.
You're doing this.
You could do a song.
- You know that one number
I've always loved?
From "south pacific"?
Where the guy wears the grass
skirt and the coconut bra?
Yee hah hah.
- What do you do
in that apartment?
- Hello, family.
I believe you're in
the chair of the year.
- Congratulations, dad.
I think it's great.
- Thank you,
but you know...
I'm just a simple man
Who tried to make
a difference.
I still put my pants on
one leg at a time.
- Yeah, and when can we
look forward to that?
- Hey, nice pool.
What a great hangout.
- Hey, let's talk to this guy
right over here.
- Excuse me, sir.
Can we talk to you
for a second?
- Sure.
- We'd like to ask you some
questions about frank barone.
- Shoot.
- Number one--
Why aren't you wearing
a bathing suit?
- It's obviously
lodge policy.
- It's tradition.
- Maybe we shouldn't
film in here.
- No, no. It's fine.
I'll tell ya what.
I'm gonna set up
right here
And state your name,
And raymond here's gonna
interview you a little,
- Listen, I don't
want to interview.
Let me
hold the camera.
- Come on, ray.
Can't ya see the guy's
gettin' cold?
All right,
here we go.
Uh, uh,
I don't know.
Uh...Action!
- All right, all right,
I'm here with...
I'm here with--what did you
say your name was?
- Abe warcheiser, but everybody
calls me bullethead.
- All right...
Bullethead...
Just tell us why
you like frank barone.
- I don't like frank barone.
- Okay...
- Can I get back
in the pool now?
- Yeah. Please.
[splash]
That's gotta hurt.
- Jeez, he doesn't
like dad.
- You're worried about
what bullethead thinks?
Hey, excuse me, sir...
Listen, you know
frank barone, right?
- What of it?
- Well, we're doing a tribute.
You guys elected him
man of the year.
- We're down to him?
Sheesh.
- Maybe these guys
don't know dad so well.
- Yeah, but maybe they do.
- Hey--hey, look.
There's his friends from poker!
Hey, garvin, stan.
- Hey, robert!
Hey, ray's here!
Hah, hah!
- Hey, garvin, hi.
How are ya? Hi, stan.
- Hey, ray, what's goin' on
with the video?
- Well, it's for dad's tribute.
Look, this is perfect.
You guys could
do it together.
Okay? And ready, ray?
And...Action.
- H-h-hey, it's rollin'?
- Yeah, okay. All right,
we're here with garvin--
- Hey, frank,
you owe me 50 bucks!
You gave me your word,
I ain't heard from ya since.
You been ducking me
for a year and a half,
You hear me?
- 50 bucks is nothin'.
How 'bout the dent
you put in my car?
You tell me
it wasn't you.
I have eyewitnesses!
And I have a bill.
I wish I had pockets
'cause I'd carry it with me.
Wait right here!
- You're a liar!
A liar, you hear me?
Liar!
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Hey, ray, it's really nice
to see ya again, you know?
Take care there,
buddy, huh?
Hey, say hi to your mom.
[splash]
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
Maybe we can piece
something together in editing.
You know?
Excuse me, guys.
Just start rollin'.
Hi. Uh, we just want to
ask a few questions,
If you don't mind.
Uh, how do you
feel about...
Chocolate?
["wind beneath my wings"
playing]
- Really good.
- My favorite.
- Delicious.
Always delicious.
- Sure, I like...
- Frank barone.
- I can't get enough.
- It's my favorite.
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- My wife goes nuts for...
- Frank barone.
- A wonderful gift.
- Who doesn't like...
- Frank barone.
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Come on, dad,
what are ya doin'?
- That was a tribute?
- What, you didn't like it?
- It was stupid.
And it was so short.
- Yeah, well, we kinda went with
a fast, mtv kind of editing.
- Well, I didn't get it.
And what's with carrelli
saying he likes me hot
With marshmallows?
- I told you
to get rid of that.
- It was cute.
With debra and the kids
and enjoy your free steak?
- Frank, what are you doing?
- Come on, marie,
we're going home.
- What are you talkin' about?
This is your big night.
- It's not so big anymore.
Let's go.
- You didn't even
finish your steak.
- I'm not hungry.
- Shoulda dressed
like broads.
- Would you stop?
The boys did nothing wrong.
You wanted them
to make you a tribute,
They made you a tribute.
- I can't wait for my eulogy.
- You still don't walk out
on an evening
That your sons
planned for you.
- Tom chervenak got a tribute
that lasted 37 minutes!
The guys made
a whole video on his life
And--and with big speeches
and laughs
And how much
they love him.
Then they did
a big, wonderful music thing
Where they all
dressed up like broads.
- Well, robbie was ready
to dress up.
- That stunk, what they did,
all right?
I know a tribute.
They're not welcome
in this house anymore.
- Oh, really?
- That's correct.
- So they let you down?
- Yes.
- And what about
your buddies at the lodge?
- What about them?
- Don't you think if they had
said something great
That raymond and robbie
would have put it in?
Isn't that what's
really bothering you?
[tv plays]
- Frank, what are you doing?
- I'm watching.
- Come on, shut that off,
please.
- Quiet. I can't hear.
- Would you shut it, frank?
- [on tv]
I'm the veggie wedge man...
- Stupid crap.
You know what?
I'm quittin' that lodge.
- Good.
- What do you mean, "good"?
- It's a stupid lodge.
It's full of
crotchety old men
Who think
the greatest luxury in life
Is sweating naked
and coughing.
And all you ever do
is complain about them.
- Why didn't you
say something before?
- It gets you out
of the house.
Come on,
let's go to bed.
- Hey.
- What?
- What--what would
you...Say?
- What?
- What would you say
in a tribute?
- What do you mean?
- [sighs]
What would you say
in a tribute to me?
- W-well, I don't know, frank.
They didn't ask me.
- Okay.
- I would say he's been
my husband for 42 years,
That we have
two wonderful boys together
And three beautiful
grandchildren.
Isn't that right?
- That's it?
- L-l-let me finish.
And...That he's always
been there for us
And been a good provider,
And that even though
we squabble every now and then,
I know that...
He's the one for me.
And whatever I did
to deserve him,
I'll live with.
- I like that.
With the humor.
Yeah.
- Now...Can I ask you
something?
- Come on,
let's go to bed.
- No, no.
Oh, come on, frank.
We were talking.
- I'm tired.
I'm goin' to bed.
- Oh, sure. Now you got
what you need from me,
Now you're goin' to sleep.
What else is new?
- What do ya want?
- I want to have
a conversation, frank.
I want to talk to you.
Is that asking so much?
- I know where this is goin'.
- Good. Come here.
Sit down here, please.
- How much talking
can a guy take?
- Thank you.
Now...
What would
your tribute for me be?
Well?
- This is stupid.
- It wasn't stupid
when you just asked me.
- Yes, it was.
I now realize how stupid it was.
- Well, I gave you
A very lovely
and generous answer,
Didn't I?
Well, didn't I?
- All right.
What are you
getting ready for?
I'm not
anointing you here.
- Well, it isn't every day
That you say nice things
about me.
- Well, it's not every day
that you force me.
- Oh, stop it, frank.
Come on, what were you
gonna say?
- Sometimes you spit
when you talk.
- Oh, that's it.
That's it!
- Hey, what did I say?
Come on.
You're the one for me!
- You want to know why people
don't love you, frank?
You want to know?
'cause you offer them nothing.
That's right.
You have to give love,
frank, to get it.
And you have never, ever
been willing to do that.
You just take
and take and take
And expect everybody
To accept your obnoxious,
horse's ass of a personality,
And everybody has to put up
with it because it's you.
You know what
the sad part is?
You are surrounded by family
who happen to love you anyway,
And you push them away.
You push us all away.
You don't have
to push anymore.
[festive music]
You're not gonna
talk to me about this?
Frank?
This is not
a marriage, frank.
A marriage is two people
sharing things, talking,
And if they have a problem,
they talk about it.
You don't just sit there
And wait for the other one
to go away.
- [tv announcer] and I'll
tell you what it makes
Better than anything else,
Than anything you'll find
anywhere else.
Did someone say sandwiches?
- Yes.
- Takes care of
the entire process--
- We're gonna
talk about this.
- Aw, crap.
Jeez.
- Oh, stop it, frank.
- A guy wants to go to bed,
he gets attacked by a kabuki.
- Oh, stop it.
- All right.
- Now, you talk to me.
- All right.
Look, I, uh, know
the boys did their best.
I know, uh,
it's my own stupid fault
If people aren't
crazy about me.
And I'm sorry
to everybody.
- You're just saying that
so I'll leave you alone.
You still can't think of
anything nice to say about me?
- How 'bout
I sleep on it?
- It's all jokes.
[crying softly]
[water runs]
- Frank, what are you doing?
No, no, no.
I need that.
Frank...
- I like you better
without the crap on your face.
- Oh, frank.
- Okay?
- You should try
And say something
like that to me every day.
- I'll try.
Hey, uh...
- What?
- Well, I am
man of the year.
- Yes, you are.
- And I'm lookin' to move up
from man once a year.
See?
With the humor.
- Want to go to bed?
- I just...Ahh...
- Oh, honey, what?
You didn't
do anything wrong.
I liked that tribute.
Made me hungry.
- I don't know.
Maybe I should apologize.
I--you know what?
We'll all feel better
if I just call.
- What, are they not home?
- I don't know.
Nobody's answering.
H-hello? Yeah, dad.
- [yelling indistinctly]
- are you okay?
Yeah. No, I just...
I wanted--
about the tribute--
- Do you know
what time it is?
- All right! Okay.
I just--I didn't--
all right. Okay. Sorry.
- What's he
calling now for?
- I don't know.
- You know,
sometimes I wish
They didn't
live across the street.