Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 17 - Cruising with Marie - full transcript

When Frank twists his knee, Ray replaces him on a cruise with Marie.

- All right,
let's get going.

Your father's ruined
everything.

- Wh-what happened
to you?

- I was bringing
the suitcases down,

And the bum knee
popped out again.

- You're so clumsy.

- That's the thanks I get for
blowing my knee out in korea,

Making the world safe
for your mother.

- You told me you slipped
off a massage table in tokyo.

- Nevertheless.

- Well, what about
the cruise now?



- Okay, well, thanks.

Mom and dad are screwed.

Can't reschedule,
and we can't get our money back.

- Why not?

- Because the discount package
you made us get them

Does not permit changes.

- We can't go.

You happy now,
tiny tim?

- I'll go, I'll go.

- No, no--
- I'll go. I'm going.

[cries out]

- No, dad,
don't, don't.

- Ma, you could go
by yourself

Or call one of your friends.
Call lee.



- Lee can't go.

Stan's cousin the diabetic
is visiting from arizona.

- Well, you could always
go by yourself.

- No.

- Yes. We got it
for your birthday.

- I know, dear.

And for once,
you got us a very nice gift.

- Come on, ma, you never
do anything like this.

You bought all that
cruise wear, huh?

Where are you going
to wear that, around the tub?

- No, not for me.

I couldn't bear
to go alone.

- Ma, this is a deluxe weekend
cruise in bermuda.

This is
once-in-a-lifetime.

This is nonrefundable.

- I'm sorry.
It was a lovely gesture, really,

And we want to pay you back
for the whole thing.

- Hey!

- No. Ma, you want to go;
I want you to go.

Come on, what's it going to take
to get you to just go?

- I don't know.

- Ah--uh...

No. Ma, look, debra would never
let me do that.

I couldn't do that.

- Now, that would be
a real present.

- Look, ma, I would
love to go, but I--

That wouldn't be--
wouldn't be fair to robert.

- No, no, I don't mind.

I think it's fair.
In fact, it's more than fair.

It's funny.

- And, robert,
you could stay home

And take care of your father.

- Also funny.

- Oh, raymond!
Oh!

[giggling]

- This day started out
so good.

- Oh, look how cute this is!

- This is
the deluxe package?

All right, look.

I want to get mad,
but I don't think

I can fit another emotion
in here.

- Oh. I'm going to bring debra
back one of these shower caps

To thank her for letting me
have you for the weekend.

- Yeah, the one thing
she lets me do.

- Oh, look how adorable
this little toilet is.

- Oh, that's great.

They stuff you full
of food,

And then they give you
baby's first potty.

Come on. Let's just
get the hell out of here.

Single file!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

We're going to have
a wonderful time.

- Yeah?
How you figure?

- Well, for one thing,

We're going to spend
the whole weekend together.

We can talk, you and me.
Just talk.

- [sighs]

- Oh, raymond, thank you
for this lovely trip.

- Knock knock.

[chuckling] oh, hi!
Welcome to the star princess.

I'm your
social director, ted.

Just a list of some of the super
activities we've got going on.

- Oh, god, activities.

- Ooh! I've always wanted
to do shuffleboard

And bingo and candle making.

- Oh, good. Skeet shooting.

I'd like to sign up
as skeet.

- This--this is
our first trip.

- Oh. Well, then,
sir, may I recommend

The deck by moonlight?

You and your lady might enjoy
the gorgeous, panoramic view--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"lady?" whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is not my lady, okay?
This is my mother.

- Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Mother. Done.

- She really is my mother.
Tell him you're my mother.

- Oh, honey, look.
Origami.

- Look, what did you
write there, okay?

'cause I'm telling you
the truth here.

- Oh, it doesn't really matter,
sir; we're at sea.

You have a grand time,
you two.

- Aah!

[ship horn blasts
over scream]

- Lunch.

- It's about time.
I'm starved.

What?

- You're--
you're not limping.

- Oh. Oh, yeah. Uh...

It's a miracle.

- Dad?

- Honest. I was watching one
of those religious channels.

I pledged 5 bucks.
Praise the lord!

- You faker!

The moaning and groaning
and flopping on the couch.

- Pretty good, huh?

- What kind
of a person are you?

- I'm a very smart person.

Marie'll be much better off
without me anyway.

And what are you
complaining about?

You're free to go.

Everybody
gets what they want.

- I guess.

Everybody except
raymond.

- God bless
that magnificent bastard.

Let's eat.

Hey, now, this is
what I call a vacation.

Three days of sitting
in front of the tv, eating,

Napping on the couch,
soaking in my new hot tub,

Nobody nagging at me:

"frank, take out the trash.

"frank, cover your mouth
when you burp.

Frank, that's no place
for a q-tip."

I'm free!

I'm footloose
and fancy free.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- Come on.
You got the part.

- I'm not kidding.
I really popped it this time.

- You did not.
- I did too.

[grunting]

- Let me see.

- [groaning]

- You just had to dance.

[dinner music
in background]

- [slurps]

- Oh, there you are.
Where have you been?

- Bar hopping.

Waffle bar, omelet bar,
tostada bar.

Now I'm doing
clam shots.

[slurp]

- Raymond, so many clams.

You should try the crab cakes.

- Had 'em.

- And the little
eclairs were--

- Had 'em.

- Well, I'm amazed
at how much

I can get done in the morning
without your father.

I played bridge,
I jazzercized,

And, look, origami.

Mr. Sassa thinks I have
natural talents.

- What's this
made out of?

- Paper.
- Oh.

- And tomorrow we're making
lotus blossoms.

You should come.

- No, I don't know, ma.

Some scuttlebutt
about a pie buffet.

- And bingo
starts at 4:00.

- Oh, see, but I'm hanging
myself at 3:00.

- Come on. It'll be fun.

At least you could sit
with me for a little while.

- Nah.
- Marie!

Marie.
Here's me in my wedding dress.

- Oh, isn't that beautiful!

Dear, this is mary beth yarosh
from jazzercise.

- I'm ray from lynbrook.

- Mary beth's
on her honeymoon.

We've been working
on our glutes.

- To glute work.

- You know,
your mother's wonderful.

- Yeah?

- Oh, yeah. She gave me
some great advice

On how to have a long
and happy marriage.

- Really?

Long and happy?
- Yes!

She says it's important
to remember

You're not just his lover;
you're his best friend.

[both giggling]

She's so smart.
Thank you, marie.

- Oh, anytime, sweetheart.

And I'll see you
at tai chi, okay?

- You told her you and dad
were best friends?

- I also told her that
childbirth isn't that painful.

She's on her honeymoon.

She's got the rest of her life
to be disappointed.

- Okay.
Smile, you two.

- Ooh!

- That's a keeper, yes.

We put these on display
on the lido deck.

- I think you put that one
on the poop deck.

- So, uh...

What are you and, uh, mom
up to this afternoon?

- You know, she really is
my mother.

- See, well,
I wanted to play bingo,

But I'm not sure raymond
is up for it.

- Oh, well, you know, several
of our cruisers have told me

They would love to share
a bingo card with you, marie,

That is, if raymond
doesn't mind.

- Well, why would I mind?

She's my mother!

- Oh, well,
then, fantastic.

We'll set it right up.

- Oh, hi, walter.

- Marie, how are you,
my dear?

This must be raymond.
- Hey.

- Hello. I got to know your
mother this morning over bridge.

Nimble. Nimble mind.

Of course, I don't have
to tell you that.

- Oh, walter, stop.

- Yes, walter, stop.

- Marie, I'd be honored
if you'd be my partner tomorrow.

- Oh, it's a date.
- Great.

Your mother
is one terrific lady.

- Marie?
Marie, we're ready to practice.

Can you play these?

They're from
the "best of broadway."

- Oh, girls, we'll be better
than broadway.

Oh, raymond, you have to come
to the cabaret tonight.

- You know,
life is a cabaret.

[laughter]

Oh, don't mind us.

We're just a bunch
of merry widows, right, marie?

- That's us.

I-I'll see you later.

- Merry widows?

- Yeah, see, all their husbands
are dead.

- But you're not a widow.

[singing]
how can I be what I ain't?

I cain't

Say

No

[giggling, excited chatter]

- Thanks.

I appreciate your help.

I know there's a lot of other
things you'd rather be doing.

- That's okay, dad.
I understand.

The important thing is,
we got you there in time.

- Damn calzone.

Robert?

You're not going to
believe this.

- What, again?

All right, come on.

- Hurry!

- Okay.

- Grab the newspaper.

[light island music]

[bell ringing]

- Oh, yeah.

Ring a bell, and the whole world
comes running.

- I'm done.
Help me out of this thing.

- I got your macaroni and cheese
on the stove.

I got to stir it

'cause you like your cheese
evenly distributed.

[bell ringing]

- Now, please.

- That's it.

- What?
What are you doing?

What's the big idea?

- I'll get you out
when I'm good and ready.

- Well, I'm ready now.

- But I'm not.

- I am the father.

You are the son.

The son must serve
the father.

- Oh, yeah?
You want to be served?

All right.
I'll serve you.

But first...
I'm going to cook you.

- What?
What are you doing?

Robert.

- Oops.
Ha.

I didn't think
you'd be up.

- Do you have any idea
how late it is?

- I don't know, but who cares?
We're at sea.

- Where have you been?

- With my friends.
[giggles]

We sang "carousel"

And practically all of
"fiddler on the roof."

I was tevye.

- Friends?

Who, those merry widows?
- Uh-huh.

And ted and walter
and mary beth's husband.

We're all going
to the discotheque.

Now, what'd I do
with my evening purse?

Oh, here.

- Have you been drinking?

- No, but upstairs
they're setting up

A whiskey sour fountain.

- Who are you?

- What do you mean?

- You're--
you're acting all...

I don't know,
like a woo-woo party girl.

- I'm having fun.
Can't I have fun?

- I'm not saying
you can't.

I'm just saying it's a little...
Hard to watch.

- Well, I didn't know you
were paying any attention.

You seem so busy trying to get
on all the buffet lines.

- You got to get there early,
or they get picked over.

- Raymond, stop eating.

- "stop eating"?
See?

You've never said that
to me before.

- Come on.
Let's go dancing.

- No. No, I don't
want to dance.

I'm not a dancer.

- All right, then,
I'll see you later.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Ma, don't you think

You're overdoing it
a little, huh?

Take it easy.
Take a break.

Come on, we'll get something
to eat here.

Look, room service.
I got a tab running.

- I don't want
to stay in the room.

It's too small.

- Well, what's so special
about those people out there?

- Nothing.
They're just very nice.

They think I'm fun.
They think I'm interesting.

They like doing things with me.
They like me.

- I like you.

- Oh, I know you do,
raymond.

You know what?

We'll have room service
for breakfast tomorrow.

I won't stay out long.

- Mom?
- What?

- Maybe I'll--

I don't know...

I'll go with you.

- Oh, no,
that's all right, dear.

You don't have to.

- No.

I want to.

- You want
to go dancing?

- Well,
I don't know about that,

But--
but we can hang.

- Don't be--
don't be silly.

We'll fox-trot.

- Look. No, I don't know
how to do it.

- Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.

You remember
your cousin jean's wedding?

- I was 13.

- Yeah, but you were
very good.

Just follow me now.

It's step, step,
quick step.

Count with me.

- Step, step,
quick step.

- [humming]
- step, step, quick step.

I got it. I got it.
- See, raymond?

You're marvelous.
- Yeah, okay.

- [continues humming]

- No.

- Sure could go
for some pretzels.

I'll get them.

- [humming]

Hi, boys.
We're home.

- Marie!

My marie!

- What are you doing up?

You shouldn't be up, honey.
Sit down.

- I missed you so much!

- Oh!

Sit down.
Sit.

Oh...Poor chi chi.

Did you miss me?

- It's been hell
without you.

- Did robbie take
good care of you?

- Oh, yeah,

I took care of him,
all right.

He should be tender
to the bone.

- Thank you, robbie, dear.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your trip?

- Yeah, not bad.

I'll tell you
one thing:

If dad's the first to go,
mom's going to do just fine.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, if ma's
the first to go,

God help us all.

- Hey, hey, hold on.
I made this for you.

Yeah, it's...

- Huh.
- Yeah, it's oriental.

- Good. Thanks.

- Yeah.

- Putting on a few pounds
there, huh, cubby?

- Yeah, yeah.