Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 15 - Robert's Date - full transcript

Judy takes Robert out dancing. Everyone else thinks they're dating.

- Man, your building swings.

I have to go out
to meet people.

- Yeah, where do you go?

- You know, wherever.
Around.

- Yeah.

I never really
got into that bar scene.

- Well, maybe you're
going to the wrong bars.

Where do you hang out?

- Uh, mostly over
at that place, uh,

Let's see,
what's it called?

Um...



My brother's house.

- [laughs]

You are in a rut.
- I'm not.

I'm just thinking
the dating thing, you know,

Got to wear a nice shirt,
do that "get to know you" stuff.

Talk about your family.

That's where
I usually lose them.

- I'm meeting with
some people tonight.

You want to go along?

- No, thanks.

I, uh, already committed
to something else.

- You did not.

- I did too.
I actually have dinner plans.

- With who?



- My friends.
I've got friends.

You're not the only person
with friends.

- Who are you
having dinner with?

- You know, the--the guys.

Mike, geoff...

- You mean michael and geoffrey,
your little nephews?

- Oh, you--you remembered
their names.

- So judy, huh?

I didn't know
you guys hung out.

- Well, we don't.
Uh, I mean, we didn't.

Well, actually,
this is the first thing

We're doing outside of work,
other than target practice.

[doorbell rings]

Uh, that's probably her.

- Huh.

Well, this is nice, huh?

- Yeah.
We're going to be alone.

- What are they, furniture?

- Wow!
- You ready?

- Uh, I don't know.
What are we doing?

- Going to etta's.

- Have I met etta?

- Etta's is a club.

- Oh, club.

- Hey, judy,
come on in.

- Yeah, come on in.
- Hey!

- Whoo!
Look at you.

- Hey, hey, have you seen her?
She's all sparkly.

- Yeah, so?

- So I don't look right.

- I'm afraid that's
the hand you were dealt.

- My clothes, raymond.

I thought this was
going to be casual.

If everyone's going to be
all dressed up,

I--I'm not going to go.

- No, you got to go.

- Why?

- 'cause it's not nice
to cancel

When people
are expecting you to go.

- You're right, okay.
It's not fair to judy, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, her too.
Come on, go.

You'll have fun, man.
You'll have fun.

- Okeydokey!
- Okay.

- Let's, uh, roll.

- All right, be careful.
- Have a good time.

- Okay, see you later.

- Oh, hello, there, judy.

- Hi.

- Hey, how are you?

You two going undercover
to bust johns or something?

- No, dad,
we're just going out.

- Going out?

Isn't that nice?

- Nice to see you,
mrs. Barone, mr. Barone.

- Well...

Good night.

- Is there something
you wanted?

- You know,
they're just friends.

They're not dating
or anything.

- Oh, well,
I didn't think.

I mean, no, that's fine.

Of course, it wouldn't matter
to me if they were dating,

Right, frank?

She's a very nice
young lady.

And, uh--as a matter of fact,
I wish they were dating.

I'd be very happy
for them, heh.

In fact,
I--I would love to know

How long
this has been going on

Because I could have been
happy this whole time.

- Yeah, even though
she's black, right?

- Is she black?

[hip-hop music]

- Hey!

Come on!

- Boy, it--
it's crowded.

- Yeah, this place is on!

What's the matter?

- Uh, nothing, nothing,

I'm just not very good
in social situations.

- Just chill out.
Just be yourself.

You'll fit right in.

- Hey, what's happening,
judy?

- What's up, boo?
This is robert.

- Rob, rob,
what's up, dog?

- Hi, there...Boo.

What, was that wrong?

- No, no, you cool.
You cool.

Hey, sareesa,
where you been?

- Oh, girl, just hangin',
just working.

You know how it is.

- I know, trying to
make those ends.

- Mm-hmm!

Or whatever.

- This is robert.

- Hi.

- I told you about him.
He's my partner.

- Really?
Got your cuffs?

- Calm down, sareesa,
he just got here.

- Listen, um...

I'm not sure
this is my...

Milieu.

- Don't you
like dancing?

- Yeah.
Yeah, in the kitchen.

I'm kind of like
a kitchen dancer.

[coolio's "fantastic voyage"]

- Ooh, listen to that!
That's my song!

- I hear it.

- Uh, you know, I had three
or four pork chops tonight.

- Well, I want to dance,
hear what I'm saying?

Your friend,
your partner,

And your escort
for the evening

Wants to get on deck.

I'm feeling it.
Come on.

- No, no.

- Come on.
- No.

- Barone, come on!

Are you going to kick it,
or what?

- All right,
I'll kick a little.

- All right,
let's see what you got.

- [singing] you got to have
heart, son, if you want to go

- Come on, come on.

You got it.
You got it.

You got it.

That's right.
Yes!

Yes, you got it.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes.

Whoo! Whoo!

- Hey, all right, all right!
- Whoo!

All: Go, robert!
Go, robert!

Go, robert! Go, robert!
- It's your birthday!

All: Go, robert!
Go, robert!

Go, robert!
Go, robert!

- Now, that's cool.
Let's loosen it up a bit.

- Yeah!
- Come on!

A little love!

- Move back.
- Hey.

- Forward.
- All right.

- Whoo!

- [singing] come along and ride
on a fantastic voyage

Slide, slide,
slippity-slide

- Hey.

- Uh-huh.

Yeah.

- What's going on, ray?

- What are you doing?

- Ah, nothing,
just here to help out ally

With her report
on harriet tubman.

You know
it's black history month.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you...

Superfly.

- What?

- Nothing, it's just, uh,
I never seen you so...

Stylin'.

- Just some new clothes,
that's all.

Got to get out more,
my brother.

- You having fun, huh?

- Yeah.

Judy and I
and some of the crew,

We been hitting the clubs,
that's all.

- Oh, yeah.
You got a crew now?

- Word.

- Okay, I'm going to--I'm going
to go get a ginger ale.

- A'ight.
- Okay.

- Hey.

- See, frank,
I told you it was him.

We saw your car
out front.

Your father thought
someone else was driving it.

- Nice suit.

Where's gladys
and the other two pips?

- All right, dad.

- No, it's not all right.

What the hell
is going on with you?

- Frank--
- don't frank me.

I'm talking to you
on the phone the other day,

I can't even understand

What the hell
you're saying anymore.

What did you
call me "dog" for?

- That's a nice thing, dad.
You say it to your friends.

That means I like you.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, from now on,

I'm calling you "jackass."

- Frank!

- Hey, what do you mean?

That--that means
"he's great."

- Hey.
- Hey, ugly.

- What?

What?
What's that all about?

- That's robert-talk.

That means
you're good-looking.

Hey, good-looking.

- You know,
I should have expected this.

For once,
I find some people,

People that
I feel comfortable with,

And you, y'all want
to put salt in my game.

- What?

- Oh, robbie, dear,

I am not
adding salt here.

I-I support you
1,000%.

- Thanks, ma.

I'm going to use the phone.
I got to call judy.

- Uh, you're going
to call judy again?

So this is,
like, uh,

Like a serious thing.

- We're just friends, ma.

But it's good to know
you're down with it.

- You know,
I really am down with it.

- How about being
across the street with it?

- You got to talk to him.

- Look, relax, dad,
all right?

It's like
when he was eight years old,

He wanted to be
an astronaut,

And he wore a pot on his head
the whole time?

It's the same thing.

- It's fine with me

'cause I happen to have
a very open mind.

- Yeah.

- Come on, jackass.

And I mean jackass.

- Oh, that is so wack.

- What?

- Well, tonight, judy and I
were going to, you know,

Go to this club
to hang out with our peeps,

And now she tells me

That she wants
to go out to dinner,

Just the two of us.

- So?

- She said she wants it
to be just us, so we can talk.

What does that sound like?

- Well, I don't know
what it's called

In your new world,

But we--we call that a date
here in honkyland.

- No, man,
I can't date her.

- Sure, you can.

- No, no,
she's my partner.

- So what?

- We've been
on stakeouts,

We've raided
crack houses.

She's like
my sister.

- All right, so--
so tell her that.

- I can't hurt her.

You got to come with me.

- No way!

- Just--just be in the way,
ruin our evening.

I'd do it for you.

- You're doing it now.

- What's up, j?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Listen, I hope
you don't mind

That I, uh,
brought raymond along.

- Well, I did think
it was going to be just us.

- Yeah, well, see,
he's never had soul food before,

And when I told him
where I was going,

He begged me to come along,
and he got all up in mine,

And I couldn't say no
to the brother,

You know
what I'm saying?

- Listen, ray,

I kind of wanted some time
with robert alone.

- Oh, you're right.

No, okay, all right,
I should go--

- No, no, ray, listen,
you wanted soul food,

I'm going to hook you up,
all right? Okay?

What's with the service
around here?

I'm going to find the waiter.
Okay.

- Rob--

- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

- I like your brother
a lot.

- Hmm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, biscuits.
Hmm.

One, two, three, four, five.
Five biscuits.

- [sighs]

We get along great,
and he's a great partner,

But since we've been spending
so much time together,

I've been feeling...

What's with you?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

I'm just thinking that...

Robert!

R--

All right, listen,
I think, uh,

I think robert just wants
to be your friend.

- He doesn't want
to be my partner anymore?

- What? No, no, no, no,
he loves that.

He loves being
your partner.

He just--he doesn't want
to be your...

[whispering]
boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?
- Yeah.

- [cackling]

Boyfriend.

- Y-you're taking it
very well.

- Boyfriend?
- Yeah.

- Where'd you get
that idea?

- From him.

- And where'd
he get it from?

- From you.

You--you wanted
to be alone.

You wanted to have
a romantic evening,

And that's why
I'm here.

- Oh, hey, I'm definitely
not into that.

Listen, I just wanted to be
alone with robert to tell him...

See, he's been hanging out
with me and my friends a lot,

And it's getting
to where he's acting...

He's getting to be
a little bit too...

- Ethnic?
- Yes!

- Yeah.

- He's trippin'.

- Yes.
Yes.

What's up with that?

I mean, gosh.

- It's getting weird
with my friends.

- Yeah.

I want to tell him to chill,
but he's so sensitive.

He'll get all mopey.

- Ah, look, mopey.

He used to take medication
just to get up to mopey.

- Hey,
how about you tell him?

- No. Me?
No, no, no, no, no.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

- It'll be better
coming from you.

- No, no, I--it won't
be better from me, judy--

- Here we go.

- Sorry, robert,
something came up.

I got to go.

- No, judy, please,
don't--stay!

Oh, what is happening?

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

Why'd you leave me here?

- She was going to talk.

- She did talk,
and then I had to talk.

I hate that.

- What do you mean,
you broke it to her?

- Well--
well, I tried to--

- Oh, man, I should
have seen this coming.

She sits next to me
every day.

I mean, it's bound
to happen when...You all that.

- All right, see,
that's the problem.

- What?
- "you all that."

That's what judy
wanted to talk about.

- What is?

- You!
All that!

- What?

- Judy doesn't want
to go out with you

Because you're black.

Robert, judy--
her and her friends,

They think
that you're just--

You're putting on
some kind of act.

- That is so wack.

- Right there.

See, that's
what I'm talking about.

We're italian,
robert, okay?

"wack" means
something else to us.

- But they--
they were so cool.

I mean, right
from the beginning,

They were totally cool
with me.

I fit right in for once.

- Yeah, of course.
In the beginning--

They liked you
in the beginning

'cause you were
just being you.

- Well, how long
could that have lasted?

It's easy for you,
raymond.

You fit in everywhere.

You're a 40-regular.

You know where I had
to go for this suit?

- The little shop
of horrors?

- That's right.
Okay, I'm a freak.

I was a freak in school,
I was a freak in my marriage,

I'm a freak
in my own family.

- You're super-freaky.

- All right, raymond!

- I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.
I'm joking.

You're not a freak.

- Yeah, the only place
I'm not is on the job.

I should never
take off my uniform.

- Look, how long have you
and judy been partners?

- I--I don't know, six years.

- And for six years,
you drive around,

All you talk about
is cop stuff?

- No, we talk
about everything.

- Right, right.

And that guy who talks
about everything,

That's--
that's her friend.

Not some cop, you.

Just you.

You were doing fine with--
with her

Until you thought
you had to...

You know, you...

- I guess
that's true.

- I speak the truth,
home slice.

- So I don't fit in,
right?

- Fit in.
Who fits in?

- Yeah.

- So what do you want to do?
Should we go home?

- Nah, we're here.
Let's eat.

- Right, heh.

Home? What the hell's
wrong with me?

We're out, we're out.
Let's eat.

Heh.
"home," I said.

- You know who are
an interesting people?

The hasidic jews.

- No, robert.

- What, a person
can't make an observation?

- [singing]
fantastic voyage

Slide, slide, slippity-slide

When you're living in the city,
it's do or die

Come along and ride
on a fantastic voyage

Slide, slide,
who ride?

You better be ready
when the five roll by