Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Apartment - full transcript

- You got any grout?

I need grout.

- Don't give it to him.

He wants to destroy
robbie's room.

- Why?

- I'm building myself
a lounge--

A big lounge.

I'm going to call it
frank's lounge.

- Lounge,
he wants to make

A giant bathroom
for himself.

We're leaving robbie's room
just the way it is



For when he comes back.

- He's not coming back.
He's happy where he is.

- Bite your tongue.
With any luck,

Right now
he's miserable.

- Then I'll turn ray's room
into the lounge.

He's not coming back.

- You never know.

- Just say the word, marie.

- Raymond, have you
called robbie?

- Talk to her.
She's the wife.

She's the one who's
supposed to call people.

- Come on.
You're his brother.

You've never even seen
his place,

And he and amy
broke up.



You know,
you should go over there.

- Yeah, well,
I've been busy with--

With ally's shoes

And golf balls
in the toilet.

- You have to go over and see
his new place, raymond,

And report back.

- What, do you want me
to wear a wire?

- That's up to you.

- Ma, look, why don't you
just go there?

- We're waiting
for an invitation.

It would be rude for us
to just barge in.

- Oh, c-could you
hold the elevator, please?

- Ow, ow.

- Thanks so much.

Eight, please.

Hi, I'm michelle.

- Oh.

Like the beatles.

That was kind of
their french song--

Michelle.
Yeah.

You probably
get that a lot.

- Yeah.
[laughs]

But I like it.

- [giggles]

- What floor
are you going to?

- I don't know.

[knock at door]

- Hey, ray.
Come on in.

- I need some water.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kitchen.

So you finally
made it over.

What do you think?

- Nice elevator.

Met your neighbor
michelle.

- Yeah, michelle.
8-d.

She's always coming over here
wanting to borrow detergent.

- You're kidding me.

- I'm gonna cut her off.

It's the only way
she'll learn to buy her own.

- That girl's been here?

With dirty clothes?

- Oh, yeah.

[knock at door]

- Hi, robert.

- Hey, sandy.

- Can I use your phone?

I'm locked out
of my apartment.

- Again?

- Sorry.

I should just give you
a spare key.

- Yes.

- All right.
You know where the phone is.

- Hi.

- That's my brother ray.

- What's shakin'?

This is a fantastic
apartment.

- Eh, the parking's bad,

The place is kind of dark,
and I got to tell you,

This carpet, it's a little rough
on the flippers.

- Oh, really?

I didn't notice
'cause I was too busy

Looking at all the women.

There's women everywhere.

- Thanks, robert.

It was nice
to meet you, ray.

- Ditto.

What--

Are you the only man
in this building?

- No, there's some male nurses
and flight attendants.

- So then this is,
like, your kingdom.

Oh, my god.
The castle has a hot tub.

- Yeah, good luck
getting in there.

The girls are always
hogging it.

- Look at 'em.

Hey, y-you haven't
actually gone out

With any of these women,
have you?

And if you have,
please, talk slow.

- Come on, ray.
You've seen pretty girls before.

- Yeah, before.
Way before.

What the hell
is wrong with you, robert?

This is a very nice place
to live.

- So you--you
really like it, huh?

I've never been
more jealous of you in my life.

Hey, krispy kreme.

- Hey.

How's robert's
apartment coming?

- Ah, a lot to do
there still.

- Really?

How much work
does the place need?

You've been over there
a couple of times

This week already.

- Yeah.

Listen, you know,
it's not really about the work.

- Yeah, I know.

It's about robert
feeling lonely, huh?

- That's right.

He's really vulnerable
right now, you know?

It's, uh,
it's touch-and-go,

Emotionally speaking.

- You know what I think?

- What?

- I think it's great.
It's just great.

You're really being
a brother to him.

- Yeah, well,
he's a great guy, robert.

You know, I-I just want
what's breast for him.

- What?

- What?

- You just said,
"breast."

"I just--I just want
what's breast for him."

- I did not.

Why would I say that?

I have no reason
to say it.

You must've
heard me wrong.

- No, it's okay, ray.

It was just funny.
You said breast.

- I did not,
and it's not funny.

How you jump down my throat
over a silly mix-up.

- What is wrong
with you?

- I'm very, very tired.

- Yeah. Well, listen, honey,
give yourself a break.

You know,
robert can manage.

- Oh, sure,
I say one thing wrong,

And all of a sudden I can't go
over there anymore, right?

- You just said
that you were tired

From going over there.

- I am!

It's like when you were nursing
and you got tired,

But you still continued
to nurse

Because the children need you,

And this had nothing
to do with breasts.

- So, ray, what do you do
over there?

Ray?

Ray.

- What? What?

- You like it over at
robert's apartment, don't you?

- I don't like it.
It's just a dumb apartment.

- Yeah, I bet
it's a lot more fun over there

Than it is here.

- How can it be more fun?

There's--there's no you
over there.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right,

And there's
no responsibility,

And there's no kids.

- Hey, that's not my rule,
all right?

That's in his lease.

- Oh, uh-huh.

- Listen, if it bothers you,
I'd just as soon not go, okay?

I don't have to go.
I don't like to go.

I don't need to go.

I mean, I don't need to be
always cheering robert up, okay?

So, as a matter of fact,
thank you.

Thank you very much,

'cause I'm just gonna
tell robert,

"look, that's it for me,
all right? That's it.

No if, ands, or buts, okay?"

And that's "but"
with one "t", all right?

So just clean it up
a little, all right?

[yawns]

Good night.
Good night.

[buzzer]

Hey, how you doing?

Holy moly.

Aah!

- Raymond.
Hi, honey.

Come on in, sweetie.

I'm just helping robbie.

- Hey, ray.
How you doing?

- All right.
What's she doing here?

- I hired her
to clean.

- I brought those picture hooks
that you wanted.

So when's mom leaving?

'cause, you know,

We got a lot of pictures
to hang here.

- Hey, ray.
- What are you doing here?

- I'm here
for the broads.

- Dad, a little
less obvious, please.

I have to live here.

At least crouch down
behind the plant

The way ray does.

- You know, robbie,

I've never been
in a hot tub.

I should bring
my suit next time.

- I think the building
might bring a suit--

Indecent exposure.

- All right, all right.

- Inciting to riot.

- Frank.

- Water pollution.

- Why don't you go down
in the hot tub?

I'm sure the girls would love
to watch a pot roast boil.

- Okay, hey, thanks
for coming by.

- Okay, raymond.

- Yeah, yeah.
I got to go home.

I got to do
some work on my lounge.

- What lounge?

- Oh, your father's
turning your bedroom

Into a bathroom.

Good-bye, dear.

- A bathroom?

- Yeah, and now
I'm thinking of putting in

One of those hot tubs
as part of phase two.

- What was phase one?

- Getting you out.

- I'm not holding
the elevator, frank.

- On to phase three.

- Hey, look at that.
You got a message there.

- Yeah.

- Hi, robert.
It's me.

- Michelle.
- I know.

- Just called to say hi.

Hi.

[beep]

- Play it again.

- Come on.
What's wrong with you?

- Did you
ask her out yet?

- What do you care
if I ask her out?

- Somebody I know
should ask her out.

[knock at door]

- Hey, sandy.

- Hi, robert.

Sorry to bother you.

- No, that's okay.
Come on in.

- This is my roommate
jessica.

- Hi, jessica.
- Hi.

- That's my brother
raymond.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi, ray.
- Hi.

- Listen, robert,
this Saturday

Is our big party
for the ninth floor.

- Mm-hmm, last year
the police had to come,

So this year we figured
we'd save some time

And just invite one.

- So we're, uh, collecting money
for food and snacks

And, you know, cocktails.
- Yes.

- I'm in.
[chuckles]

Let me get my checkbook.

- So, you two are brothers.

- I'm married.

- That's nice.

Hey, do you have
anything to drink?

- I don't know.

I-I guess I could look.

Should I?

- You have
any sparkling water?

- Sparkling water, yeah.
Uh, all right.

Uh, let me look.
Sparkling--

- Hey, you're, uh,
losing your barrette here.

- Oh. Where?
- On this side.

I got it.
- Thanks.

Just fix it
a little bit there.

- You know, you should wear
your hair up sometime.

- You think so?

- Oh, yeah.
It'd look great.

- Okay, you really--you really
like it better like this?

- Yeah.
It shows off your neck.

- I never wear it up
because I have a small forehead,

So I just don't.
You should too, though.

[knock on door]
oh, that looks pretty.

- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- [burps]

- Here's your money,
girls.

Hi, deb.

- Thanks.

- And we don't usually
take checks.

[laughter]

- Well, we should
get out of your way.

I see
your housekeeper's here.

- Bye. Bye.

- Bye, now.

- Yeah, hey.

Honey, hi.

Hey, what's up?
How are you?

- Oh, you know,
just trying to make ends meet.

It's hard
for a housekeeper.

- [laughs]

Yeah, that's obviously 'cause
of the sheets and the towels,

You know what I'm saying?

They would've called you
the statue of liberty--

Who, by the way,
is a sexy, sexy lady.

- So, deb,
is all that for me?

- Yes.

- Oh, that's sweet, honey.
Thank you.

- Yeah, well, I brought robert
some towels and linens

Because I wanted to, you know,
spruce the place up

Since he's been
so depressed.

- Depressed?

- Yeah, yeah, I told debra
how you were depressed,

You know, and how I was
helping you with that,

You know, and that's why
I was over here so much.

Well, you know what?
Debra's never been here.

So maybe she should take
the grand tour of it.

- O-okay.

The grand tour.

Well, over here,
as you can see,

We have the kitchen,

And there
is the fireplace,

And back here
is the bedroom,

A very big
walk-in closet.

[shuts door]

- He's not coming back,
is he?

Listen, you know,
nothing was going on.

Nothing--nothing
happened.

Nothing would happen.
Nothing--

- I know.

- You do?

- Well, god, ray.

I mean, come on.
I saw those women.

Like you had a shot.

- All right.
Okay, you're hurt.

You're lashing out now.

- Listen,
all I want to know is,

Why do you
have to lie to me?

- I don't have to.
It's...

Just my way.

- "robert's touch-and-go,
emotionally speaking"?

I mean, why don't
you just say,

"I'm going over to robert's
to look at pretty girls"?

- I got to be honest
with you.

It never occurred to me
to say that.

- Yeah, that's right,
because I would have said no.

And you would have to stop

Living vicariously
through robert.

- That's right.
Vicariously.

Vicariously.
Just looking.

Not thinking,
not moving,

Just thanking god
for the blessing

That is
my beautiful wife

While I hang pictures,
vicariously.

- I'm going home now.
- Me too, you know?

I was just thinking,
"I wish I was home right now."

- We'll see you later,
robert.

- Uh, wait,
deb, look, before you go,

I was in there--
hiding,

But really thinking
about what ray had said before,

And, um,
believe it or not,

There's actually
some truth to it.

- It's okay, robert.
It's over.

It's all over.

- No, no,
I--I'm serious, you know?

When I first
moved in here,

I was kind of depressed.

I was away
from my family.

I lost my girlfriend.

And then ray came over,

And he kind of liked the place.

And for once
I had something

That he thought
was something,

And it made
the whole place better.

- For robert.

- It's true;
you know, me and raymond,

We really don't get
to hang out together that much,

And, uh,
it's been--

It's been good.

- All right,
all right, ray.

Ray, I see you patting him.
I see you.

You know, I-I actually like

You guys
spending time together.

- Robert was thinking
we should

Spend time together
Saturday nights.

- Well, you know, spend as much
time together as you want.

- Really?
- At our house.

- Fine by me.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I tell you what,
I'll come over Friday,

'cause Saturday night,
I'm going to that party.

- Some lounge, huh?

108 degrees of fun.

- Yeah, how about, uh,

Six degrees
of separation?

- I can't believe this.

My bed used to be
right here.

- You can't tell me
you miss it.

I mean,
look at this.

You know, hef
has the same model

In the playboy mansion.

- Here you go, boys.
[chuckles]

Enjoy yourselves.
[giggles]

- Somehow,
it's not the same.