Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 10 - No Fat - full transcript
Marie plans a healthy Thanksgiving to help with her cholesterol.
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
You want some eggs?
- Don't listen to her.
It's not eggs.
It's that
fake-egg crap.
- It tastes
exactly the same.
- Yes, exactly like crap.
- Why are you making
fake eggs?
- Well, your father
and I went
To the senior
health fair yesterday.
- Senior health fair?
What are the rides there?
The complain-a-go-round?
Tunnel of gas?
- We had
our cholesterol checked,
And the both of us are
very close to the danger zone.
- Mine was lower than hers.
- One point lower.
- I'm still gonna live
longer than you.
- What, 30 seconds?
- 30 seconds
in paradise.
- All right, listen,
romeo and juliet.
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna borrow
a garbage bag.
- What do you mean "borrow"?
You're gonna give it back?
- All right,
I'm stealing a garbage bag.
- What the hell is that?
- It's milk for your coffee.
- That's not my milk.
- Yeah, that's regular milk.
- Not in that blue carton,
it's not.
Give me that!
Skim!
- It's better for you.
- Don't give me "better."
Look, it's not even mixing.
The coffee doesn't
even recognize it.
- If you don't drink that,
I-I'm gonna--
- What?
What are you gonna do?
Leave me?
Hey, ray, wait a second.
One moment, son.
- Oh, frank!
- Hey, get--
get another bag.
Your mother needs to pack.
- Frank!
The young man at the health fair
said that you shou--
- The stupid health fair!
I go in there looking
for a chocolate cone
At the drug store,
and the next thing I know,
I'm getting
my blood pressure taken.
- My blood pressure
was better than yours.
- But I won
the eyesight thing.
- So, what, did you have
the cholesterol check
To break the tie?
- Yeah, and I won.
- We're waiting
for the urine test.
I could still tie if your father
has high blood sugar.
- Until then,
I'm eating what I want,
And I want real eggs
and real milk.
- Well, then you better go
to ihop, because from now on,
We're eating healthy
in this house.
Give me that.
- What are you doing?
- Sour cream.
- No!
- Bacon.
- No!
- Cheese.
- What, are you gonna
rip my heart out?
- Lasagna.
- Hey, I could
have that, ma.
- Butter,
Aha, chocolate cake,
And cannolis.
All right, there.
That's it.
- Thank you!
- Where are you going?
- On a picnic.
Out with the old bag,
In with the new!
- See, and look, you never
have to use butter.
They have olive oil
in a spray now.
Smell--smell this.
- Ooh!
Nice!
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
- You put a little of that
behind your ears,
Frank will be
all over you.
- You think?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, pinky.
- Raymond, debra's teaching me
So much about cooking.
- You're learning cooking
from debra?
Oh, okay, so heaven is here.
Hell is here.
It's raining monkeys,
and wood is now a drink.
- And look at this book
debra gave me,
101 healthy things
to do in the kitchen.
- In this kitchen,
The healthiest thing
to do is leave.
Ooh.
Debra's cooking, yay!
Yay, yay, yay!
- Boy, I wish I had
started this years ago.
I feel so snappy
and peppy.
- Ma, I thought you were
doing this just to annoy dad.
- That's a bonus.
- Oh, marie, come here.
Look, here's that section,
"how to enjoy
a low-fat thanksgiving."
- Ooh, hoo, thanksgiving.
- Yes.
- Oh, I can't wait to make
some of these things.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
You're not going to do this
for thanksgiving?
- Especially thanksgiving.
- Well, you're still going
to make
The real food for us,
though, right?
- I guess I could.
- No, no, ray,
Your mother's not going to cook
two separate meals.
- Why not?
Huh?
She loves to cook, debra.
Who are you to take that
away from her?
- Look at this.
A tofu turkey?
- Yeah.
That looks good, huh?
- I would rather eat
that page.
- Oh, it says here
you need a special mold
To shape the tofu
into a turkey.
- No, you don't
need a mold, ma.
Okay, god does that.
Yeah.
He takes a whole bunch
of bird meat,
And he molds it
into a turkey.
- Come on, ray.
- I'm quoting the bible
here, debra, okay?
- Don't worry, raymond.
It'll be delicious,
Like everything else
that I cook.
- [groans]
- Oh, I promise.
I'm not going to leave out
The most
important ingredient.
- Turkey?
- Love.
- Love?
- You'll live.
- Okay, we're ready.
Here's the steamed veggies
with fresh lemon juice.
- Ahh, marie,
this looks fantastic.
- And I'll be right back
with the tofu turkey.
- Mmm, is that
what I'm smelling?
Bring it out here, ma.
Tofu turkey.
I could be sitting
in my apartment
Eating beef-a-roni
right now.
- Okay, come on, frank.
We're ready.
- I pass.
- Okay, frank, listen.
Marie has cooked
a very nice meal for everyone,
And you are going to sit
at that table and eat it.
- But I don't want to.
- We are not discussing this.
You have till
the count of three; one...
- I'm not going.
- Two.
- All right.
All right.
- Good.
Okay.
So, see?
This is a family.
- Ta-da!
- Ooh!
Kids, look.
Look what grandma made!
Huh?
- How about that, huh?
Look how it jiggles.
Of a good bean curd bird
right there.
- May I have
my carving knife, please?
- Thank you, frank.
- I want to slit my throat.
- All right, I got it.
I got it.
All right, what do you want?
- Give me a leg.
- Okay.
All right, here, we got--
Look, we got--
here's your choices.
We got the light--
light over here.
We got dark where
the food coloring has puddled.
- All right,
just give me the spoon.
- It's not food coloring.
It's worcestershire
and beet juice.
- Oh, see?
That's very clever.
- Why didn't you
bring your dog, robert?
- I don't think
shamsky would eat this.
- Yeah, but we could eat him.
- Go ahead, robbie.
Try some.
- What about raymond?
- I had some already.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- I did.
I did, from right here.
You can't tell,
'cause it morphs back.
- All right, all right.
We are all eating some.
- Frank.
Swallow it.
Ray, ray.
- Go ahead, robert.
- I never thought
I'd say this,
But could you pass
the broccoli, please?
- Actually, I think
it's very tasty.
You just have to make
an adjustment.
Right, debra?
- Kind of starts out
with an aftertaste, doesn't it?
- It has an authentic
turkey flavor.
And the good thing is,
You don't fall asleep
after this meal.
- That's all I had left.
- It's jell-o!
- Shh! Don't do that.
[doorbell rings]
- I'll get it!
- Well, who could that be?
- Hopefully the angel of death.
- Barone?
- Yeah.
- Happy thanksgiving
from the red bonnet inn.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- What is this?
- A complete holiday dinner
with all the trimmings.
- It's the angel of mercy!
- This must be a mistake.
- You ordered this, frank.
- Why do you assume it's me?
- Because you're the one
who wants to kill me.
- Okay, but I still
didn't order this.
- Well, who did?
- Not me, ma.
This melts in your mouth.
- I would've left it
across the street,
But I can't leave
perishables.
Is there a ray barone
over here?
- Oh,
Boy.
Here, take this.
You don't want
to have to testify.
Go.
- Raymond.
- Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- You ordered this?
- Yes, for a snack at my house,
Later, later,
after this delicious meal.
Huh?
Hey, you know what?
We didn't say grace yet.
Huh?
Come on, everybody, grace time.
[grunts]
Oh, lord, bless us
and these, thy gifts--
- Ray--
- debra, please.
Which we are
about to receive,
And, you know,
thanks a lot.
Your friend, ray barone.
- Let's eat!
- Oh, god, is that
chestnut stuffing I smell?
- What is wrong
with you people?
Can't you stop thinking
of yourselves for one minute?
- Corn muffins!
- Do you know how much
this has hurt your mother?
- I wasn't going
to have it now, okay?
I didn't want to hurt her.
I know how she feels.
Hands off my bird,
come on.
- I'll take care of this.
You go in there
and talk to her.
- I can't talk to her now.
She's all upset.
- Listen, she's trying
to do something
For herself for a change,
And the least you can do
is support her.
- Yes, isn't it time you
thought of someone else
Besides raymond?
- Yeah, thanks, robert.
You got a little of my stuffing
on your chin there.
- Hey, where you going
with that?
- I don't know.
Maybe I'll give it
to the homeless.
- The homeless?
They're chowing down
in some mission,
The lucky bastards.
- Listen, ma,
you can come back in now.
Everything's better now.
Debra took away
all the bad food.
I mean,
the restaurant food.
All right?
So come on, come on.
Come on back in.
Come on, come on back, ma.
Come on.
Hey, is this
your soy cheesecake, huh?
Boy, it looks great.
Ack!
All right, I don't want
to eat that dessert now,
'cause that's going
to ruin the dinner.
I--all right, ma,
look, look.
About the ordering out thing--
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- What?
- I know how much you love
my thanksgiving dinner,
And I should have
made it for you.
- Well, no, no, you got
to stick to your thing--
- No, you're my son,
And I let you down.
I'm sorry.
- You know what, mom?
That's okay.
It's okay.
All right, stop it, stop!
Don't do that.
You're letting me off the hook.
Don't let me off the hook.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Come on, I'm supposed
to be supportive.
- No, no, I got too wrapped up
in all this diet business,
And I forgot
what was important,
Cooking for my family.
- Listen.
- [crying]
- You're important too,
you know?
The special diet,
Living longer, whatever.
That's important to me.
- You're sweet, dear.
- No, no, look.
You should do
something for you,
And if this is
what makes you happy,
Then you should do it,
and I back you up.
- Oh, raymond!
- All right, all right,
now you back up a little.
- Oh!
- All right.
- Oh, thank you, raymond.
This means the world to me.
- I know.
- Come here!
- No, it's all right, ma,
come on.
Let's go, let's go.
Let's get in there, huh?
- Okay.
All right, everybody,
We're having
mom's thanksgiving.
Save room for cheesecake.
[clanging]
- Where am I?
- Ma.
- I had the strangest dream.
- Oh, come on, ma.
- All right, I was hungry.
I'd offer you some,
but I don't want to.
- Mom, what about your diet?
Come on, I was supporting you.
[beeping]
- You said I should do
whatever it was
That makes me happy.
- Yes, I did, but I--
[stammering]
- Well, you know
what makes me happy?
Butter.
Butter makes me happy.
- Yeah.
[laughing]
Mmm!
Oh, mmm!
This is good
for restaurant food.
- What about
your cholesterol, huh?
The danger zone?
-I'm close to the danger zone.
When I get
into the danger zone,
I'll worry about it.
Besides, it's thanksgiving.
- Well, the least I can do
Is keep you from eating it
all yourself.
Come on.
Let's sit.
Come on, you want to sit?
- Yeah.
- Here.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- [laughing]
Oh, boy.
Want some of that?
Here's potatoes.
Those are great.
- Aha!
I said, "aha!"
- What are you doing here?
- I rolled over in bed
and suddenly there was
No great wall of marie
to stop me.
So much
for your willpower.
- You going to talk
or you going to eat?
- I'm in.
- Hey, I was cruising by.
I saw dad come--
Hey.
I get it.
Put out the tofu and
the brussels sprouts for robert,
Wait till he goes on shift,
and then party!
- Here, sit down.
Shut up.
- Thanks.
- Take breaths, dad.
Take breaths.
- Want some gravy, raymond?
- Yup. Yup, yup, yup, yup.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, bring it on.
What have you got there?
- Here we go.
How's that?
- What's going on here?
- We're being supportive.
- But what about
your diet, marie?
- What's the point
in living longer
If you're miserable, dear?
- You know, I think that
every day.
Can I have one
of those rolls?
- Uh-huh!
- Take a corn muffin too.
- Oh, muffins?
Okay, I'll get one of each.
- This is very true.
- Just because the--
- Is it thanksgiving again?
- Yeah, yeah.
This is the good one.
Come on.
Pick him up.
We're gonna have some turkey.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Twins:
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- Yeah.
- Cranberries.
Did you try these?
Here, have a little--
- thank you, sweetheart.
- That's good.
- Hi, honey.
You want some eggs?
- Don't listen to her.
It's not eggs.
It's that
fake-egg crap.
- It tastes
exactly the same.
- Yes, exactly like crap.
- Why are you making
fake eggs?
- Well, your father
and I went
To the senior
health fair yesterday.
- Senior health fair?
What are the rides there?
The complain-a-go-round?
Tunnel of gas?
- We had
our cholesterol checked,
And the both of us are
very close to the danger zone.
- Mine was lower than hers.
- One point lower.
- I'm still gonna live
longer than you.
- What, 30 seconds?
- 30 seconds
in paradise.
- All right, listen,
romeo and juliet.
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna borrow
a garbage bag.
- What do you mean "borrow"?
You're gonna give it back?
- All right,
I'm stealing a garbage bag.
- What the hell is that?
- It's milk for your coffee.
- That's not my milk.
- Yeah, that's regular milk.
- Not in that blue carton,
it's not.
Give me that!
Skim!
- It's better for you.
- Don't give me "better."
Look, it's not even mixing.
The coffee doesn't
even recognize it.
- If you don't drink that,
I-I'm gonna--
- What?
What are you gonna do?
Leave me?
Hey, ray, wait a second.
One moment, son.
- Oh, frank!
- Hey, get--
get another bag.
Your mother needs to pack.
- Frank!
The young man at the health fair
said that you shou--
- The stupid health fair!
I go in there looking
for a chocolate cone
At the drug store,
and the next thing I know,
I'm getting
my blood pressure taken.
- My blood pressure
was better than yours.
- But I won
the eyesight thing.
- So, what, did you have
the cholesterol check
To break the tie?
- Yeah, and I won.
- We're waiting
for the urine test.
I could still tie if your father
has high blood sugar.
- Until then,
I'm eating what I want,
And I want real eggs
and real milk.
- Well, then you better go
to ihop, because from now on,
We're eating healthy
in this house.
Give me that.
- What are you doing?
- Sour cream.
- No!
- Bacon.
- No!
- Cheese.
- What, are you gonna
rip my heart out?
- Lasagna.
- Hey, I could
have that, ma.
- Butter,
Aha, chocolate cake,
And cannolis.
All right, there.
That's it.
- Thank you!
- Where are you going?
- On a picnic.
Out with the old bag,
In with the new!
- See, and look, you never
have to use butter.
They have olive oil
in a spray now.
Smell--smell this.
- Ooh!
Nice!
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
- You put a little of that
behind your ears,
Frank will be
all over you.
- You think?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, pinky.
- Raymond, debra's teaching me
So much about cooking.
- You're learning cooking
from debra?
Oh, okay, so heaven is here.
Hell is here.
It's raining monkeys,
and wood is now a drink.
- And look at this book
debra gave me,
101 healthy things
to do in the kitchen.
- In this kitchen,
The healthiest thing
to do is leave.
Ooh.
Debra's cooking, yay!
Yay, yay, yay!
- Boy, I wish I had
started this years ago.
I feel so snappy
and peppy.
- Ma, I thought you were
doing this just to annoy dad.
- That's a bonus.
- Oh, marie, come here.
Look, here's that section,
"how to enjoy
a low-fat thanksgiving."
- Ooh, hoo, thanksgiving.
- Yes.
- Oh, I can't wait to make
some of these things.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
You're not going to do this
for thanksgiving?
- Especially thanksgiving.
- Well, you're still going
to make
The real food for us,
though, right?
- I guess I could.
- No, no, ray,
Your mother's not going to cook
two separate meals.
- Why not?
Huh?
She loves to cook, debra.
Who are you to take that
away from her?
- Look at this.
A tofu turkey?
- Yeah.
That looks good, huh?
- I would rather eat
that page.
- Oh, it says here
you need a special mold
To shape the tofu
into a turkey.
- No, you don't
need a mold, ma.
Okay, god does that.
Yeah.
He takes a whole bunch
of bird meat,
And he molds it
into a turkey.
- Come on, ray.
- I'm quoting the bible
here, debra, okay?
- Don't worry, raymond.
It'll be delicious,
Like everything else
that I cook.
- [groans]
- Oh, I promise.
I'm not going to leave out
The most
important ingredient.
- Turkey?
- Love.
- Love?
- You'll live.
- Okay, we're ready.
Here's the steamed veggies
with fresh lemon juice.
- Ahh, marie,
this looks fantastic.
- And I'll be right back
with the tofu turkey.
- Mmm, is that
what I'm smelling?
Bring it out here, ma.
Tofu turkey.
I could be sitting
in my apartment
Eating beef-a-roni
right now.
- Okay, come on, frank.
We're ready.
- I pass.
- Okay, frank, listen.
Marie has cooked
a very nice meal for everyone,
And you are going to sit
at that table and eat it.
- But I don't want to.
- We are not discussing this.
You have till
the count of three; one...
- I'm not going.
- Two.
- All right.
All right.
- Good.
Okay.
So, see?
This is a family.
- Ta-da!
- Ooh!
Kids, look.
Look what grandma made!
Huh?
- How about that, huh?
Look how it jiggles.
Of a good bean curd bird
right there.
- May I have
my carving knife, please?
- Thank you, frank.
- I want to slit my throat.
- All right, I got it.
I got it.
All right, what do you want?
- Give me a leg.
- Okay.
All right, here, we got--
Look, we got--
here's your choices.
We got the light--
light over here.
We got dark where
the food coloring has puddled.
- All right,
just give me the spoon.
- It's not food coloring.
It's worcestershire
and beet juice.
- Oh, see?
That's very clever.
- Why didn't you
bring your dog, robert?
- I don't think
shamsky would eat this.
- Yeah, but we could eat him.
- Go ahead, robbie.
Try some.
- What about raymond?
- I had some already.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- I did.
I did, from right here.
You can't tell,
'cause it morphs back.
- All right, all right.
We are all eating some.
- Frank.
Swallow it.
Ray, ray.
- Go ahead, robert.
- I never thought
I'd say this,
But could you pass
the broccoli, please?
- Actually, I think
it's very tasty.
You just have to make
an adjustment.
Right, debra?
- Kind of starts out
with an aftertaste, doesn't it?
- It has an authentic
turkey flavor.
And the good thing is,
You don't fall asleep
after this meal.
- That's all I had left.
- It's jell-o!
- Shh! Don't do that.
[doorbell rings]
- I'll get it!
- Well, who could that be?
- Hopefully the angel of death.
- Barone?
- Yeah.
- Happy thanksgiving
from the red bonnet inn.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- What is this?
- A complete holiday dinner
with all the trimmings.
- It's the angel of mercy!
- This must be a mistake.
- You ordered this, frank.
- Why do you assume it's me?
- Because you're the one
who wants to kill me.
- Okay, but I still
didn't order this.
- Well, who did?
- Not me, ma.
This melts in your mouth.
- I would've left it
across the street,
But I can't leave
perishables.
Is there a ray barone
over here?
- Oh,
Boy.
Here, take this.
You don't want
to have to testify.
Go.
- Raymond.
- Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- You ordered this?
- Yes, for a snack at my house,
Later, later,
after this delicious meal.
Huh?
Hey, you know what?
We didn't say grace yet.
Huh?
Come on, everybody, grace time.
[grunts]
Oh, lord, bless us
and these, thy gifts--
- Ray--
- debra, please.
Which we are
about to receive,
And, you know,
thanks a lot.
Your friend, ray barone.
- Let's eat!
- Oh, god, is that
chestnut stuffing I smell?
- What is wrong
with you people?
Can't you stop thinking
of yourselves for one minute?
- Corn muffins!
- Do you know how much
this has hurt your mother?
- I wasn't going
to have it now, okay?
I didn't want to hurt her.
I know how she feels.
Hands off my bird,
come on.
- I'll take care of this.
You go in there
and talk to her.
- I can't talk to her now.
She's all upset.
- Listen, she's trying
to do something
For herself for a change,
And the least you can do
is support her.
- Yes, isn't it time you
thought of someone else
Besides raymond?
- Yeah, thanks, robert.
You got a little of my stuffing
on your chin there.
- Hey, where you going
with that?
- I don't know.
Maybe I'll give it
to the homeless.
- The homeless?
They're chowing down
in some mission,
The lucky bastards.
- Listen, ma,
you can come back in now.
Everything's better now.
Debra took away
all the bad food.
I mean,
the restaurant food.
All right?
So come on, come on.
Come on back in.
Come on, come on back, ma.
Come on.
Hey, is this
your soy cheesecake, huh?
Boy, it looks great.
Ack!
All right, I don't want
to eat that dessert now,
'cause that's going
to ruin the dinner.
I--all right, ma,
look, look.
About the ordering out thing--
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- What?
- I know how much you love
my thanksgiving dinner,
And I should have
made it for you.
- Well, no, no, you got
to stick to your thing--
- No, you're my son,
And I let you down.
I'm sorry.
- You know what, mom?
That's okay.
It's okay.
All right, stop it, stop!
Don't do that.
You're letting me off the hook.
Don't let me off the hook.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Come on, I'm supposed
to be supportive.
- No, no, I got too wrapped up
in all this diet business,
And I forgot
what was important,
Cooking for my family.
- Listen.
- [crying]
- You're important too,
you know?
The special diet,
Living longer, whatever.
That's important to me.
- You're sweet, dear.
- No, no, look.
You should do
something for you,
And if this is
what makes you happy,
Then you should do it,
and I back you up.
- Oh, raymond!
- All right, all right,
now you back up a little.
- Oh!
- All right.
- Oh, thank you, raymond.
This means the world to me.
- I know.
- Come here!
- No, it's all right, ma,
come on.
Let's go, let's go.
Let's get in there, huh?
- Okay.
All right, everybody,
We're having
mom's thanksgiving.
Save room for cheesecake.
[clanging]
- Where am I?
- Ma.
- I had the strangest dream.
- Oh, come on, ma.
- All right, I was hungry.
I'd offer you some,
but I don't want to.
- Mom, what about your diet?
Come on, I was supporting you.
[beeping]
- You said I should do
whatever it was
That makes me happy.
- Yes, I did, but I--
[stammering]
- Well, you know
what makes me happy?
Butter.
Butter makes me happy.
- Yeah.
[laughing]
Mmm!
Oh, mmm!
This is good
for restaurant food.
- What about
your cholesterol, huh?
The danger zone?
-I'm close to the danger zone.
When I get
into the danger zone,
I'll worry about it.
Besides, it's thanksgiving.
- Well, the least I can do
Is keep you from eating it
all yourself.
Come on.
Let's sit.
Come on, you want to sit?
- Yeah.
- Here.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- [laughing]
Oh, boy.
Want some of that?
Here's potatoes.
Those are great.
- Aha!
I said, "aha!"
- What are you doing here?
- I rolled over in bed
and suddenly there was
No great wall of marie
to stop me.
So much
for your willpower.
- You going to talk
or you going to eat?
- I'm in.
- Hey, I was cruising by.
I saw dad come--
Hey.
I get it.
Put out the tofu and
the brussels sprouts for robert,
Wait till he goes on shift,
and then party!
- Here, sit down.
Shut up.
- Thanks.
- Take breaths, dad.
Take breaths.
- Want some gravy, raymond?
- Yup. Yup, yup, yup, yup.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, bring it on.
What have you got there?
- Here we go.
How's that?
- What's going on here?
- We're being supportive.
- But what about
your diet, marie?
- What's the point
in living longer
If you're miserable, dear?
- You know, I think that
every day.
Can I have one
of those rolls?
- Uh-huh!
- Take a corn muffin too.
- Oh, muffins?
Okay, I'll get one of each.
- This is very true.
- Just because the--
- Is it thanksgiving again?
- Yeah, yeah.
This is the good one.
Come on.
Pick him up.
We're gonna have some turkey.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Twins:
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- Yeah.
- Cranberries.
Did you try these?
Here, have a little--
- thank you, sweetheart.
- That's good.