Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Toaster - full transcript

- Read this again.

- Come on, ray.
Honey, it's a great present.

What you wrote on it
is perfect,

And you can't
change it now anyway

Because it's
christmas eve.

- Once more.

- "merry christmas.
We love you.

Michael, geoffrey,
ally, debra, and ray."

- It's stupid.

- Oh, honey, no, no.

Everybody's going to
love this present, okay?



Accept it.
You had a great idea.

- Why'd I put "xmas"?

You know,
I don't like "xmas."

I-I xed out the name
of the birthday boy.

- Ray, stop.

Stop obsessing, okay?
I love it.

My god, it's been
two months of toaster.

- Hey, this is going out
with my name on it.

Did you wrap the one
for your parents?

- Yes. Yes.

- Which wrapping?

- The foil.

- No!

That tips off the gift.



- What?

- Foil wrapping.
It's a metal toaster.

Oh, why didn't you just
wrap it in toast?

Look, if I'm gonna drive
all the way up to connecticut

To spend christmas day
with your parents,

I-I want a good reaction
when they open the present.

- And the foil wrapping
kills that?

- I don't know.

You think--you think
this toaster thing

Is funky enough for them?

- Was it supposed
to be funky?

- For them, I mean--

They're the hip people.

- Oh, honey,
come on, you're hip.

Yes!

Yes, this is a very
hip, funky,

Badass toaster.

- All right, okay.

Very nice.
Yeah, make fun of me.

- No, I'm not.

- Yeah, your parents and you,
you put up with me--

- No.
Nobody feels that way.

- I'm a doofus, okay?

I-I admit it.

Come on,
who am I kidding?

Look at me.

I'm a goofy doofus
with a foofy toaster.

- What?

- Look, I-it's fine,
all right?

I'm not blaming anyone.

What, I don't know that
you could have married better?

[sighs]
I don't know. I don't know.

Merry christmas, honey.
Good night.

[exhales]

Oh, god, look at the size
of my nose.

And as the welsh say,
"a-hee-da."

- Hey.

- "broughsom
fealtcha!"

I just made that up.

- Well, come on, ray,
let's give 'em our present.

- No.
You know what?

They'll open it
when we leave.

- Oh, stop it.

No. Here it is,
right here. Okay?

Raymond
picked it out,

And he did everything.

- Oh, well,
I love the wrapping.

- Debra did that.

- Hey, a toaster.

Look, hon, a toaster.

- Oh. How nice.

- You've got to
open the box, okay?

Yeah, just go ahead there.

What are you doing?

- Hating myself.

- Oh. Oh, look, warren.

- "merry christmas.
We love you.

Michael, geoffrey,
ally, debra, and ray."

- Ooh! This is fantastic!

- You see?
You love it, right?

- What a wild idea.
Who thought of this?

- Ray.

- No. Well, I--

Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, raymond.

Look at that engraving.

- Love the chrome.

[doorbell rings]

Super. Just super.

- Ohh, thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, ray.

Ohh.

It is so retro chic.

- You're making fun
of me, right?

- No, no!

This should be on display.

- Home run.
You see?

- Look who's here.

- Ho, ho, ho.

- Hey, robert.
So glad you made it.

- What's up? I thought
you weren't gonna come.

I was doing some
skiing with a friend.

Here she comes.
- Hi.

Merry christmas.

- Leeann, everyone.
Everyone, leeann.

- Hi.
- Welcome.

Come in.
Let me take your coat.

- What is
your life now?

- I don't know.
Better?

Hey, by the way,

That toaster you gave me
was great, raymond.

Yeah, I gotta
hand it to ya.

All the names
engraved--

- Yeah? Thanks.
Thanks, man.

- Oh, that was so sweet.

All my brother gave me
was some cheap bath salts.

- Well, I just wanted to
express myself in a, uh,

Retro chic way.

- Whole family got one?
- Yeah.

Yeah. And a couple
of friends, too.

- Well, they're all
gonna love it.

[chuckles]
listen, uh,

What did mom and dad say
about the toaster?

I only got 'em
a soft toilet seat.

I guess I'm gonna have to now,
I don't know,

Write a poem
on it or something.

- [laughs]
yeah. Yeah.

- No, but, uh, really,
the reason why I came by

Was to, uh,
say thank you.

It was sweet
and thoughtful.

- Yeah, all right.
- I mean it.

- Well, thanks.

- Merry christmas,
raymond.

- Oh--yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you, man.
Thanks, robert.

You too.

- Oh, see?
You did it.

The perfect present,
everybody loves it.

Oh, boy.

Really feels like
christmas, doesn't it?

- What?

- Well, why didn't mom and dad
call about the toaster?

- [sighs]

- Hey, ray,
broughsom fealtcha!

- Hey, ray, guess what.

Three more messages
on the machine.

Gail, andy, linda,

All love
the toaster.

- Yeah, well, still
nothing from my parents.

You know, I gave it
to them on the 23rd.

It's the 26th,

And they haven't
called or stopped by.

- Hmm.

You know what
that's called?

- What?

- A merry christmas!

- I don't get it.

You--you give 'em
a present, you think--

- Hi!
- Hi!

Time to take down the tree.

- Hey, ma?
- Yeah?

- How was your christmas?

- Oh, it was marvelous.

The teslas came over,
and we sang songs.

And we even
had some amaretto.

You should have
seen your father.

He was wonderful.

- Okay, okay.

You're mad because
we spent christmas day

At her parents' house.

- Of course not, dear.

I know we trade off.

I did wish you
were there, though.

Your father danced
with the trash can.

- Yeah. Mr. Wonderful.

- Oh, he had the time
of his life.

Oh, he needs some aspirin.
May I?

- Yeah, sure.
- Good.

- So, ma, you get some,
uh, some nice things this year?

- Oh, yes, dear.
Lovely.

Can't complain.

- All right,
did you get my gift?

- Oh, yes, dear.

Very nice.

You know--

I heard that you met
robbie's skiing date.

- Mm-hmm.
- Did you like her?

- I'm talking to dad.

- I liked her.

She gave me some
lovely bath salts.

- Hey, dad.
- Aspirin.

- Yeah. It's coming.
Listen--

- Bad christmas.

I danced
with your mother.

- She said it was
the trash can.

- I traded up
to the trash can.

- All right, listen,

Did you guys
open my present?

- What?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, very nice.
Thank you.

- That's it?

Did you see what it was?

- What? Yeah.

It was a toaster.

- Did you open the box?

- Yeah.

- You saw what it said?
What--what did it say?

- I don't know.

"toast-pro."
who cares?

- It was special.
It's a special thing.

You--you didn't
open the box.

You gotta open up
the box, dad.

Come on,
where is it?

- I...

Don't have it
with me right now.

- What do you mean?
Where is it?

What did you do
with it?

- Your mother wanted
a coffee maker.

- Here we go.

- What did you do?

Where's my toaster?

What did you do?

- Nothing, dear.

When we saw
it was a toaster,

We took it over
to bloomingdale's

And traded it in
for the coffee machine.

- What? But I--

It--it didn't even come
from bloomingdale's.

- They don't know that.

- So you--so you lied
to bloomingdale's?

- Not mr. Bloomingdale--

Just the store.

- When did you do this?

- Well, the day
you gave it to us.

I hate returning things
after christmas.

It's so crowded.

Coffee, dear?

- No, no!
I don't want coffee.

- It's very good.

- That wasn't just
a toaster, ma.

It said "merry christmas.
We love you.

Michael geoffrey,
ally, debra, and ray."

- It spoke?

- No!
On it!

On the side--I had it engraved
on the side.

- Engraved?
- What did you do that for?

- I don't know.

I thought
it would be nice.

I thought you
might enjoy it,

You psychopaths.

- Was my name
on there?

- I can't
believe this.

You know how much time and--
and thought--

- Sweetie, sweetie--
- no! It--

- [shushing]

All right, listen,
honey, listen.

I-I understand.

I completely understand
why you're upset,

But let me
explain something.

You see,
this coffee machine

Has the coffee
already made

When you come down
in the morning.

- The toaster has
your son's name--

And the names
of his family,

Your grandchildren,

And their love on it.

- I'm sorry, dear.

Well, you know what?

Maybe we could put the names
on the coffee machine.

- What are you buying
a toaster for, anyway?

Ours is still good.

- No, it's not!

- It is.
It is, dear.

You just don't know
how to use it, see.

You got to rattle it
a little bit,

And then you
pull the toast up

And turn it around

And then do it
on the other side.

- It's not about
the toast, ma!

My gift,
it had meaning!

Everyone else
loves the toaster.

Everyone else.
Everyone!

Who are you people?

You know what?

Any time I've ever
given you a present,

It's never been
any good.

- That's not true--
- no? The microwave.

- Well, that.

Well, we--we didn't need
a microwave.

- And they're dangerous.

What if I wanted to have
more children?

- If god hasn't stopped you,
the government will.

What about the fruit
of the month club?

- Oh, that was insane.

A year of fruit?

Do you know, they still
send me fliers

Wanting me to rejoin?

A-and pictures
of apricots?

How's that supposed
to make me feel?

- Oh, how--
how you feel.

How about how I feel, huh?
You ever think of that?

- Well, honey,

We're the ones who have
to get these presents.

I'm--I'm sorry.

I don't know
what else to say.

- How about
"thank...You."?

Yeah.

Thank you.
That's what people say.

I don't care if you
need a toaster.

I don't care if you think
it's a waste of money.

You take the gift
and you say thank you!

And you know why?
Because it's from me!

Me, me, raymond,
your idiot son raymond.

- How could they
not like the toaster?

- They didn't even open it.

They traded it in.

Ungrateful mental cases.

- You know,
maybe the question here isn't

"why don't they ever
like my presents?"

But rather,

"why do I so desperately
need their approval?"

- Ah...
- Oh, shut up.

Shut up.
How would you feel?

- How would I feel?

Maybe you'd like
to read my book,

"you're in the way:
The robert barone story."

He doesn't need
their approval, sis.

He's got it to a fault.

He's the beloved one.

- Oh, they love me,
they care about me.

How come they don't care
that they hurt my feelings, huh?

That's right.

You don't see 'em
doing anything about that.

- You let me
do the talking.

- Just tell the truth.

- No, no, no.

Where are you from?

We walk out of here

With the toaster
and the coffee thing.

- What?

Just get raymond's toaster.
- Next in line, please.

- [shushing]

- Just don't say--

- Lock it up, marie!

Hello.

And a merry
christmas to you.

May our lord and savior
bestow many blessings

Upon you
and your loved ones.

- Thank you.
I'm jewish.

- Oh.

Uh, all these people
must be a pain in the ass, huh?

- Frank,
don't say that.

- Let me do it my way.

- Are you
returning this?

- Uh, yes, we are.

It unfortunately
is a piece of crap.

- Oh, no.
It's very nice.

We just would like
something else.

- No!

- Was there something
wrong with it?

- Uh, we didn't
even open it.

This is how you help?

- Lying was your idea.

- And why are we
lying today?

- My son bought us
this coffee maker,

And he means well,

But we would like to
exchange it for something

We can really use.

You know, like a--
I don't know--

A--a toaster or something.

- That's fine.

You can pick out
a toaster over there.

- Oh, thank you very much.

Shalom.

- We coulda got both!

- Ooh, look, toast-pro.

Look, uh, open these boxes.

- All right,
all right--

- Just look for
raymond's toaster.

- I'm sorry.

May I help you?

- We can handle it,
jeeves.

- Hello.

We're just, uh,
checking these.

- Well, I can assure you,
they're all

Exactly like
the display model.

- Well, see, here's one

Where the pamphlet's
a little folded.

- What are you doing?

That's not
a believable complaint.

- It's perfectly valid.

- Can't you ever
just be quiet?

- Don't you tell me
to be quiet.

I have a mind
of my own, you know.

I can contribute.

I'm not just
some trophy wife.

- You're a trophy wife?

What contest in hell
did I win?

- Please, you've
opened every box.

I'm going to have to
ask you to make--

- This can't be
every toaster.

- No. Well, I'm sure
there are more in the stockroom.

- Stockroom.
Distract the workers.

- What?
- Just keep yappin'.

- See, my husband is very
particular about his toast.

Holy crap.

- I got this toaster from my son
for christmas yesterday,

But it has
some writing on it.

- Ooh, are you
exchanging that toaster?

- Oh, no, I wouldn't
dream of exchanging it.

I got it from my son.

What sort of mother
would I be?

- [laughs]

- Well,
I would exchange it

Because look at all that
stupid writing on it.

- Oh, but, I love it.

The store just got
the names wrong.

Could you change
the names to, uh,

June, harvey, bobby--

- You see, this toaster's
from my raymond.

Look. Look here.

Wait. Look,
I'll show you.

Here. Here he is.
Look. See.

And there's michael
and--and geoffrey and ally

And I don't have
a picture of debra.

Look, just give me
that toaster, please.

- No. It's my son's.

- Oh, but it's my son.

He needs me
to have a toaster!

- Security!

[crash]

- Stupid,
stinkin' hump!

- Hey!

- Oh, try a coffee machine.

- Who was that?

- Uh, ray, I think you better
get down to bloomingdale's.

[clears throat]
apparently your parents

Are involved in some
sort of disturbance

Involving destruction
of property

And the possible theft
of a toaster.

- They do care.