Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Invasion - full transcript
When Ray's house gets termites, Marie invites them all to stay across the street until the house is clean.
- Hi.
- Hi, marie.
- Why was a truck
in front of the house
With the dancing
little bugs on top?
- We've got termites.
- Oh, my god!
Oh!
Oh, dear!
I told you, dear.
You have to keep up
with your housekeeping.
- Marie, why don't you--
- Oh, children,
come on.
Off the floor
right now.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
You're all coming to stay
with grandma.
- No, we have a hotel
that we're gonna stay at
While they
tent the house.
- A hotel?
Those places
are even dirtier than here.
It's the raymond barone
living memorial.
- Yeah.
- So what happens?
Every 45 minutes, an actor
dressed as you comes in
And recreates scenes
from your life, huh?
Yeah.
[mimicking ray]
"oh, no, where's my retainer?
"oh!
"hey, what's that?
A pimple?
You know, all the other guys
have hair down here."
- Yeah. That's it.
That's the whole show.
- All right,
here we go.
The honeymoon suite.
We've got the closet
right over here.
Toilet down the hall...
Light switch.
- Okay, we've got it.
Thank you.
I'm not tipping you,
robert.
- No, no. I just can't
believe you're back.
- Don't worry, robert.
It's just
for a couple of days.
- Yeah.
That's what I said.
I'm sure you'll
have a marvelous time.
Mom's going all out
now that
[mimicking marie]
"raymond has come home!"
- All right, thank you.
- All right, and by the way,
there's a few rules.
I take my showers
at 6:35 in the a.M.
You will please refrain
from any and all flushing.
Despite what dad thinks,
it is not funny.
Enjoy your stay.
[watch beeping]
- What are you doing?
- Setting my alarm for 6:35.
- Hey, they're
touching my stuff.
- Who?
- Your kids.
The two boys
and the other one.
I had a whole stack
of quarters.
Now it's a pile!
- He keeps his quarters
stacked up on the dresser.
- And I don't like
anyone touching them!
You know that!
- I know!
- You bet you do!
- I know that I do!
- And don't you
forget it!
- I know, dad!
I won't!
- It's so-o-o
peaceful here.
And I'll say this,
It's much smaller than
a hotel room would have been.
- Come on.
In a hotel room, you...
You couldn't
get the complete set
Of "the book of knowledge."
Hey, let's look up
reproductive organs.
That's all I had.
That's all I had.
Oh, debra.
You're here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was just getting ready
to watch my program.
Now.
[accordion music]
- Bonjour, mes
etudiants de francais,
And welcome to
"everyday french every day."
- This is
my french lesson.
I watch it every day...
At 4:00...
Here.
[instructor on tv
speaks in french]
[chuckles]
You know, debra,
I tidied up raymond's room.
Wouldn't you be
more comfortable there?
- Oh, the twins
are napping in there.
- Oh.
- Say it with me.
"une baguette
avec du fromage."
- Une baguette
avec du fromage.
[chuckles]
Debra, you're reading,
And I'm sure this is
distracting for you.
- Oh, no.
I'm used to tv.
I can just tune it
right out.
- A blood sausage...
Du boudin.
- Du boudin.
It was glaring
on the screen.
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's probably too dark
in here for you now.
- No, no.
That's fine.
- Oh, good.
[chuckles]
Good.
So long as
you're comfortable.
That's
the important thing.
I can't stand it!
I can't live here this way.
- You're leaving?
- Hey, you're
eating the brownies!
They're for--
- I know. Everything's
for our very special guest...
Raymond.
Raymond, raymond,
raymond, raymond, raymond,
Raymond, raymond...
- Raymond,
you have to do something.
- All right, well,
I didn't prepare anything,
But how about this?
[scat singing]
- I'm trying to watch
my french class in there,
And it's very difficult.
Tres difficile.
- Aw, ma, don't french, okay?
Why? What's the matter?
- Well, debra's
in there reading.
- What? Out loud?
- No!
But I just don't feel
free to participate.
It's very intrusive.
- What?
- Yeah,
and one of your kids
Is clomping around
in my shoes.
Some people
find that cute.
I hate that.
- Yeah, and, ray,
Who flushed this morning
while I was conditioning?
J'accuse.
- Oh.
- Oh...
- That's good, robbie.
Good.
He's accusing you.
- I'm ignoring him.
- Ray. Please, raymond,
go in and talk to debra.
I'm missing
my french class.
- Ma, no!
- Oh, please, please.
- No.
- Please.
S'il vous plait.
- Yah-ha! Ma...
Don't "boo bah blah" me.
All right.
Hey, could you go read
in the other room?
- Why?
- My mom's trying
to be french in here,
And you're...
Intruding.
- What?
- I don't know.
You're in the way.
Look at you.
- Wait.
Let me get this straight.
Sitting quietly on the sofa
Reading to myself
is intruding?
- You know
how the french are.
- I'm intruding...
But her coming over
to my house every day with food,
And rewashing
the kids' clothes,
And your father fixing things
until they're broken,
That's not intruding?
- Okay, all right, look.
It's one more day.
- Oh, this is--I love this.
- Now I really love this.
- Just play along.
One more.
That's all.
- [scoffs]
- what?
- [chuckles]
- What?
- You know what?
She thinks reading
is intrusive?
[chuckles]
okay.
- Oh, what the hell
was that?
- What was what?
- That, that
"heh heh...Okay"? What?
- Nothing. No.
I was just thinking.
[laughing]
- [scoffs]
termite bastards.
[ball game plays on tv]
- [whispers]
- I wanna watch
"care bears."
- Hey, get outta the way!
- Sweetie.
- Sweetie!
- Ally, here's
your corn dog, honey.
- Ally's having
a corn dog now?
- Yeah.
I made enough for everybody.
You want one?
- But it's almost dinner,
and mom's making lasagna.
- Mmm.
- We shouldn't...
[stammering]
be having corn dogs now.
Get one for me too.
- Yeah! Corn dog!
- [chuckles]
Hey, bubble wrap.
- Hi.
- How was the rest
of your day, hmm?
- It's better now.
- Yep.
- Hey, I'm back.
Oh, and I got all kinds
of goodies here for you.
What are you doing?
- We're just--
we're having a little snack.
Corn dog.
- Corn...
Dog?
I am making dinner.
You should know
not to eat at, uh...
- Those are hot,
aren't they?
- What's the matter
with you people?
I have lasagna
in the oven.
- Oh, my god.
I'm sorry, marie.
Was that for dinner?
I-I took it out
to make the corn dogs.
Do you want a corn dog?
- No.
Thank you, dear.
- I still want mine.
- Hey, what is this?
- Oh, gosh, I guess
that's your dad's remote.
- [gasps]
- Must have accidentally
brought it upstairs with me.
- This was no accident.
- Oh...
- Somebody help me!
- Geoffrey, get up.
- What are you doing?
- I can't be the one
who brings this to him.
He'll kill me, okay?
He likes geoffrey.
Geoffrey--
Just stop that. Stop it.
Go back to sleep.
- Listen, you're going
too far with this.
- This?
This is nothing compared
to what they do--
Look, when they come over
and do stuff,
It's 'cause they don't
know any better.
You do.
You know what that's called
when you know better
And you still do it?
- [sighs]
- Not nice.
- Oh!
- I'm serious!
Listen, we are guests
in this house.
- Oh, my gosh.
Who are you,
admiral von puss?
- No.
- Ray, can't you see?
I'm just trying
to make a point here?
Listen, you could help me.
It could be fun.
Come on, we never
do anything together anymore.
- You are sick.
- If I am sick,
It's because your family
made me that way.
- Well.
[chuckles, scoffs]
We made you that way.
I'm sorry
that's how you feel.
- Oh--puh!
Where are you going?
- I'm going to sleep
elsewhere, okay?
I wouldn't want to
make you sick.
- Good night, admiral.
- Hey, robert...
Robert...
Robert.
[grunts]
- Oh, raymond.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It's just a reflex.
- I think I know why
your marriage broke up.
- What are you doing
down here?
- I need a place to sleep.
Deborah...
She's got the kids
in the bed.
- Go sleep on the couch.
- I can't.
Dad's still tearing apart
the living room
Looking for
the remote control.
Come on.
It's just one more night.
Just...
Move over.
- All right,
but no noise.
Got an early shift.
- Yeah.
Hey, could you, uh...
Put a shirt on?
And some underpants?
- Excuse me.
I believe
this is my bed.
- All right, but come on.
A guy gets in bed
with you,
You put some pants on.
- I will not.
You don't wanna sleep
with me,
Go back to your wife.
- I'm not gonna
be able to sleep...
Ever.
- So, everybody has to do
what raymond wants, right?
New sheets for raymond.
Brownies for raymond.
Can't sleep naked
around raymond.
You know what you are?
Intrusive.
- What?
You're calling me that?
You're calling me that?
You're calling me that?
- Intrusive.
You!
Intrusive!
You know what?
Debra was right.
Think this is intrusive?
[chuckles]
okay.
- Where ya going?
- Upstairs.
Don't get up.
- You are so uptight.
- [chuckles]
- Ah!
Holy crapping crap!
What the hell
happened here?
- Oh, yeah.
I wanted to tell ya.
I tried to fix that.
It was too loose.
- It was never this
frigging loose.
- I'm sorry, dad.
I was just--
just trying to help.
- You wanna help me?
Find my remote.
- I don't understand
Why you would use bleach
on these towels.
- They--they just seemed
a little yellowy.
- Yes.
They're yellow towels!
My whole bathroom is yellow.
It's my theme.
- Oh.
- What did you do
with the door?
- Why is it always me?
Why don't you ask
your son there: Mr. Fix-it!
- Hey, I'm just
trying to help.
- Ma, where
are all the towels?
Oh, hi.
- You are a little too free
with the body.
- When are they leaving?
- See? Yellow.
- Ma, ma, towel, please?
- No. This doesn't
go with--here.
- Thanks.
- Look what you're
doing to us.
- What? What are we doing?
We're--we're just helping.
- Yeah, I mean,
you seem to have so much to do,
We just wanted
to pitch in.
- Why?
Is this annoying to you?
- Is it bothering you?
- Are we intrusive?
- Because we
don't mean to be.
We're just trying to help you
the way you help us.
- Oh.
I see what
they're doing.
Are you trying to repay us
For everything
we do for you?
- Well--
- Well, but you see, dear,
When we help you,
we're actually helping.
- What?
- But don't worry.
No, no. I'm not mad.
I can't be mad at you
If you don't know
what you're doing.
- You know what, mom?
Maybe you haven't
spent enough time
Showing them
how to do things.
- Hey, robert--
- No, no. I say when
that tent comes down,
Ma's over there showing you
how to do the laundry.
- Why don't
you go complete the outfit
And go put on
the toilet seat cover?
- And maybe dad could teach ray
how to fix stuff.
- That's true.
You don't know
a monkey wrench
From a monkey's ass,
do you, son?
- No.
- Hey, they're
taking the tent off!
- Oh, we can start
right now.
I'll go get
my cleaning supplies
And we'll
make you a starter kit.
- I'll get some tools,
hammerhead.
- Hey, ray.
- [yelps]
- Raymond.
It was--
it was raymond!
I knew he really didn't
want to sleep with me.
- Hi, marie.
- Why was a truck
in front of the house
With the dancing
little bugs on top?
- We've got termites.
- Oh, my god!
Oh!
Oh, dear!
I told you, dear.
You have to keep up
with your housekeeping.
- Marie, why don't you--
- Oh, children,
come on.
Off the floor
right now.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
You're all coming to stay
with grandma.
- No, we have a hotel
that we're gonna stay at
While they
tent the house.
- A hotel?
Those places
are even dirtier than here.
It's the raymond barone
living memorial.
- Yeah.
- So what happens?
Every 45 minutes, an actor
dressed as you comes in
And recreates scenes
from your life, huh?
Yeah.
[mimicking ray]
"oh, no, where's my retainer?
"oh!
"hey, what's that?
A pimple?
You know, all the other guys
have hair down here."
- Yeah. That's it.
That's the whole show.
- All right,
here we go.
The honeymoon suite.
We've got the closet
right over here.
Toilet down the hall...
Light switch.
- Okay, we've got it.
Thank you.
I'm not tipping you,
robert.
- No, no. I just can't
believe you're back.
- Don't worry, robert.
It's just
for a couple of days.
- Yeah.
That's what I said.
I'm sure you'll
have a marvelous time.
Mom's going all out
now that
[mimicking marie]
"raymond has come home!"
- All right, thank you.
- All right, and by the way,
there's a few rules.
I take my showers
at 6:35 in the a.M.
You will please refrain
from any and all flushing.
Despite what dad thinks,
it is not funny.
Enjoy your stay.
[watch beeping]
- What are you doing?
- Setting my alarm for 6:35.
- Hey, they're
touching my stuff.
- Who?
- Your kids.
The two boys
and the other one.
I had a whole stack
of quarters.
Now it's a pile!
- He keeps his quarters
stacked up on the dresser.
- And I don't like
anyone touching them!
You know that!
- I know!
- You bet you do!
- I know that I do!
- And don't you
forget it!
- I know, dad!
I won't!
- It's so-o-o
peaceful here.
And I'll say this,
It's much smaller than
a hotel room would have been.
- Come on.
In a hotel room, you...
You couldn't
get the complete set
Of "the book of knowledge."
Hey, let's look up
reproductive organs.
That's all I had.
That's all I had.
Oh, debra.
You're here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was just getting ready
to watch my program.
Now.
[accordion music]
- Bonjour, mes
etudiants de francais,
And welcome to
"everyday french every day."
- This is
my french lesson.
I watch it every day...
At 4:00...
Here.
[instructor on tv
speaks in french]
[chuckles]
You know, debra,
I tidied up raymond's room.
Wouldn't you be
more comfortable there?
- Oh, the twins
are napping in there.
- Oh.
- Say it with me.
"une baguette
avec du fromage."
- Une baguette
avec du fromage.
[chuckles]
Debra, you're reading,
And I'm sure this is
distracting for you.
- Oh, no.
I'm used to tv.
I can just tune it
right out.
- A blood sausage...
Du boudin.
- Du boudin.
It was glaring
on the screen.
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's probably too dark
in here for you now.
- No, no.
That's fine.
- Oh, good.
[chuckles]
Good.
So long as
you're comfortable.
That's
the important thing.
I can't stand it!
I can't live here this way.
- You're leaving?
- Hey, you're
eating the brownies!
They're for--
- I know. Everything's
for our very special guest...
Raymond.
Raymond, raymond,
raymond, raymond, raymond,
Raymond, raymond...
- Raymond,
you have to do something.
- All right, well,
I didn't prepare anything,
But how about this?
[scat singing]
- I'm trying to watch
my french class in there,
And it's very difficult.
Tres difficile.
- Aw, ma, don't french, okay?
Why? What's the matter?
- Well, debra's
in there reading.
- What? Out loud?
- No!
But I just don't feel
free to participate.
It's very intrusive.
- What?
- Yeah,
and one of your kids
Is clomping around
in my shoes.
Some people
find that cute.
I hate that.
- Yeah, and, ray,
Who flushed this morning
while I was conditioning?
J'accuse.
- Oh.
- Oh...
- That's good, robbie.
Good.
He's accusing you.
- I'm ignoring him.
- Ray. Please, raymond,
go in and talk to debra.
I'm missing
my french class.
- Ma, no!
- Oh, please, please.
- No.
- Please.
S'il vous plait.
- Yah-ha! Ma...
Don't "boo bah blah" me.
All right.
Hey, could you go read
in the other room?
- Why?
- My mom's trying
to be french in here,
And you're...
Intruding.
- What?
- I don't know.
You're in the way.
Look at you.
- Wait.
Let me get this straight.
Sitting quietly on the sofa
Reading to myself
is intruding?
- You know
how the french are.
- I'm intruding...
But her coming over
to my house every day with food,
And rewashing
the kids' clothes,
And your father fixing things
until they're broken,
That's not intruding?
- Okay, all right, look.
It's one more day.
- Oh, this is--I love this.
- Now I really love this.
- Just play along.
One more.
That's all.
- [scoffs]
- what?
- [chuckles]
- What?
- You know what?
She thinks reading
is intrusive?
[chuckles]
okay.
- Oh, what the hell
was that?
- What was what?
- That, that
"heh heh...Okay"? What?
- Nothing. No.
I was just thinking.
[laughing]
- [scoffs]
termite bastards.
[ball game plays on tv]
- [whispers]
- I wanna watch
"care bears."
- Hey, get outta the way!
- Sweetie.
- Sweetie!
- Ally, here's
your corn dog, honey.
- Ally's having
a corn dog now?
- Yeah.
I made enough for everybody.
You want one?
- But it's almost dinner,
and mom's making lasagna.
- Mmm.
- We shouldn't...
[stammering]
be having corn dogs now.
Get one for me too.
- Yeah! Corn dog!
- [chuckles]
Hey, bubble wrap.
- Hi.
- How was the rest
of your day, hmm?
- It's better now.
- Yep.
- Hey, I'm back.
Oh, and I got all kinds
of goodies here for you.
What are you doing?
- We're just--
we're having a little snack.
Corn dog.
- Corn...
Dog?
I am making dinner.
You should know
not to eat at, uh...
- Those are hot,
aren't they?
- What's the matter
with you people?
I have lasagna
in the oven.
- Oh, my god.
I'm sorry, marie.
Was that for dinner?
I-I took it out
to make the corn dogs.
Do you want a corn dog?
- No.
Thank you, dear.
- I still want mine.
- Hey, what is this?
- Oh, gosh, I guess
that's your dad's remote.
- [gasps]
- Must have accidentally
brought it upstairs with me.
- This was no accident.
- Oh...
- Somebody help me!
- Geoffrey, get up.
- What are you doing?
- I can't be the one
who brings this to him.
He'll kill me, okay?
He likes geoffrey.
Geoffrey--
Just stop that. Stop it.
Go back to sleep.
- Listen, you're going
too far with this.
- This?
This is nothing compared
to what they do--
Look, when they come over
and do stuff,
It's 'cause they don't
know any better.
You do.
You know what that's called
when you know better
And you still do it?
- [sighs]
- Not nice.
- Oh!
- I'm serious!
Listen, we are guests
in this house.
- Oh, my gosh.
Who are you,
admiral von puss?
- No.
- Ray, can't you see?
I'm just trying
to make a point here?
Listen, you could help me.
It could be fun.
Come on, we never
do anything together anymore.
- You are sick.
- If I am sick,
It's because your family
made me that way.
- Well.
[chuckles, scoffs]
We made you that way.
I'm sorry
that's how you feel.
- Oh--puh!
Where are you going?
- I'm going to sleep
elsewhere, okay?
I wouldn't want to
make you sick.
- Good night, admiral.
- Hey, robert...
Robert...
Robert.
[grunts]
- Oh, raymond.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It's just a reflex.
- I think I know why
your marriage broke up.
- What are you doing
down here?
- I need a place to sleep.
Deborah...
She's got the kids
in the bed.
- Go sleep on the couch.
- I can't.
Dad's still tearing apart
the living room
Looking for
the remote control.
Come on.
It's just one more night.
Just...
Move over.
- All right,
but no noise.
Got an early shift.
- Yeah.
Hey, could you, uh...
Put a shirt on?
And some underpants?
- Excuse me.
I believe
this is my bed.
- All right, but come on.
A guy gets in bed
with you,
You put some pants on.
- I will not.
You don't wanna sleep
with me,
Go back to your wife.
- I'm not gonna
be able to sleep...
Ever.
- So, everybody has to do
what raymond wants, right?
New sheets for raymond.
Brownies for raymond.
Can't sleep naked
around raymond.
You know what you are?
Intrusive.
- What?
You're calling me that?
You're calling me that?
You're calling me that?
- Intrusive.
You!
Intrusive!
You know what?
Debra was right.
Think this is intrusive?
[chuckles]
okay.
- Where ya going?
- Upstairs.
Don't get up.
- You are so uptight.
- [chuckles]
- Ah!
Holy crapping crap!
What the hell
happened here?
- Oh, yeah.
I wanted to tell ya.
I tried to fix that.
It was too loose.
- It was never this
frigging loose.
- I'm sorry, dad.
I was just--
just trying to help.
- You wanna help me?
Find my remote.
- I don't understand
Why you would use bleach
on these towels.
- They--they just seemed
a little yellowy.
- Yes.
They're yellow towels!
My whole bathroom is yellow.
It's my theme.
- Oh.
- What did you do
with the door?
- Why is it always me?
Why don't you ask
your son there: Mr. Fix-it!
- Hey, I'm just
trying to help.
- Ma, where
are all the towels?
Oh, hi.
- You are a little too free
with the body.
- When are they leaving?
- See? Yellow.
- Ma, ma, towel, please?
- No. This doesn't
go with--here.
- Thanks.
- Look what you're
doing to us.
- What? What are we doing?
We're--we're just helping.
- Yeah, I mean,
you seem to have so much to do,
We just wanted
to pitch in.
- Why?
Is this annoying to you?
- Is it bothering you?
- Are we intrusive?
- Because we
don't mean to be.
We're just trying to help you
the way you help us.
- Oh.
I see what
they're doing.
Are you trying to repay us
For everything
we do for you?
- Well--
- Well, but you see, dear,
When we help you,
we're actually helping.
- What?
- But don't worry.
No, no. I'm not mad.
I can't be mad at you
If you don't know
what you're doing.
- You know what, mom?
Maybe you haven't
spent enough time
Showing them
how to do things.
- Hey, robert--
- No, no. I say when
that tent comes down,
Ma's over there showing you
how to do the laundry.
- Why don't
you go complete the outfit
And go put on
the toilet seat cover?
- And maybe dad could teach ray
how to fix stuff.
- That's true.
You don't know
a monkey wrench
From a monkey's ass,
do you, son?
- No.
- Hey, they're
taking the tent off!
- Oh, we can start
right now.
I'll go get
my cleaning supplies
And we'll
make you a starter kit.
- I'll get some tools,
hammerhead.
- Hey, ray.
- [yelps]
- Raymond.
It was--
it was raymond!
I knew he really didn't
want to sleep with me.