Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 2 - Driving Frank - full transcript
Debra is growing uneasy with Frank's driving and wants Frank to take another Driving Test.
- Ray, come on. This is gonna be
-worse if I leave it..
- You're supposed
to leave it.
That's
the "let it sit" rule, right?
I love that rule.
- Yeah, I never should
have taught you that.
Ooh! I never should have
taught you that either.
- Get away from me!
- Hey, we're in here.
Occupied.
- What is going on?
- Big-shot cop here
wants to give me a ticket.
- I don't want to.
I have to.
- End of the month--
he's got a quota.
- You hit my patrol car.
- I'm your father!
I don't care
if I killed a guy.
You're supposed
to look the other way.
Right?
- Dad, whatever you do,
I want to look the other way.
- I can't look
the other way anymore.
You drive like a maniac.
And dad backs out
of the driveway without looking.
- The car shouldn't
have been there.
- On the street?
- So call it a hit-and-run.
Say you never saw the guy.
- I can't lie
on the police report!
- Because I have a moral
obligation as a police officer.
And I almost got caught for
lying for you the last time.
Now, let me see your license.
- Sorry, sally.
I'm fightin' this.
- There is black and white
on the side of your car.
- I hit a penguin!
- I'm writing the ticket!
- That's barone.
B-a-r-o-n-e...
As in "the man from
whose loins you sprung."
By the way...
I hope you have someplace else
to sleep tonight,
Because if you try
to come home,
I'm going to have you arrested
for breaking and entering.
- Does that couch
pull out?
Is there going to be,
like, a court date?
Because I would take off
of work for that.
- I might just give him
a warning.
- Oh, wussy-wuss-wuss.
Come on, you got a chance
to get even with this guy.
- I don't know.
- What do you mean,
you don't know?
Remember what
he's done to us?
Remember
"guess that smell"?
"the killing
of the tooth fairy"?
"liver week"?
- Liver week was my fault.
It would have been one night
if I just could've swallowed it.
- Ray?
Listen, I've decided.
I don't want frank
driving the kids anymore.
- What?
- I don't want him
driving the kids.
It makes me
uncomfortable.
- Because of the swearing?
- Because of the driving.
He's not a safe driver.
- Yeah, well, I don't think
I can tell him
That he can't drive
his own grandkids around.
- Why not?
He's too aggressive.
- That's why
I can't tell him.
- I can't believe
The way your whole family
protects frank.
You know, he's got
everybody so intimidated.
Good for you, robert,
for giving him that ticket.
- Yeah, well, he's just
giving him a warning.
- Well, I can't live
over here forever.
Can I?
- No.
- Then it's just a warning.
- Wuss.
- You're the wuss.
- How am I the wuss?
- Let me show you
how you're the wuss.
- All right.
All right. Okay.
Ray, okay, okay.
You know, he's right.
At least robert stood up
to frank.
You, on the other hand,
Would put your own children
in jeopardy
Just to avoid
an embarrassing conversation.
- Hey, our kids
are not in jeopardy.
How do we know robert
Isn't the one who
caused that accident?
- It's liver week again!
[baseball game
plays on tv]
- Who wants to go
to the happy zone?
- I do!
- Then get in the car.
And I hope your dad
gave you some quarters,
'cause I'm not the bank.
- Uh, you know, I-I forgot
it was happy zone day.
- Every other Saturday.
That's what you wanted,
wasn't it?
So you could catch up
on the cleaning.
Well, maybe we should
do it more often.
- Last one in the car's
a rotten egg!
- Uh, ally, yeah, yeah,
wait a minute, honey.
- Uh, ray, maybe you
should go with them
- No, no, no.
When everybody goes,
Then this becomes
the happy zone.
- Yeah, well, maybe you should
just go anyway, you know.
You--you take the kids,
So they won't mess up
frank's car.
- Well, I-I'm not so picky
Now that robert got
his stupid cop paint on it.
- See?
Everything's fine.
- Come on, marie!
- Ray, maybe you're
not hearing me.
- I'm hearing you
make trouble.
- Okay, I got juice
for everyone--here we go.
- Ray?
Ray, ray, ray
wants to drive.
- I didn't say that.
- Okay, fine.
I'll go to the happy zone!
- They may not let you in
with that attitude.
- Okay, mommy's driving.
- Then why the hell
am I going?
- Because
it will be fun.
It'll give us all a chance
to spend more time together.
- I thought the point
was to give you a day off.
Not that I ever got
a day off.
- You can take off anytime.
- That's it.
I'm riding with debra.
- Then who's going with me?
- All right, marie, you take
my car and drive the kids.
I'll ride with frank.
I want to talk to him anyway.
- All right!
Look, I'll drive
with my father.
You go with debra
and the kids in our car.
And this way, there doesn't need
to be any talking.
- Why are you going?
- Why? Because I shouldn't
miss out on the happiness.
- Hi, grandpa.
- Yeah, yeah.
See, now there's
a line for skee-ball.
We're screwed.
- Where have you been?
- We ran into traffic.
- It wasn't traffic, dad,
It was a funeral procession.
- One less idiot in the world.
- That's a terrible
thing to say.
You don't even know
the person.
- We met the family,
and believe me--
The family von idiot.
- You met them?
- During the fight.
- [gasps]
- What fight?
- There was no fight.
They didn't want
to get their good suits dirty.
- What happened?
- A few people--
I don't know,
I guess they were the mourners--
They got a little upset,
'cause we almost caused a pileup
When dad cut off the hearse.
- Frank.
- What kind of rush
is he in?
He's dead.
- Hold me, please.
You were right.
You were right.
He shouldn't be
driving the kids.
He shouldn't
be driving at all.
- What are you
blubberin' about?
- You. You.
You're a terrible driver.
- I'm a great driver.
- Dad, we almost got hit.
- It was in my blind spot.
- A 20-car funeral procession?
That's not a blind spot, dad.
That's west.
- You're exaggerating.
- You're a hostile driver.
- He's a hostile person.
You should see him
brush his teeth.
[growling]
- Debra's right, dad.
You're not driving
the kids anymore.
- What's this about, debra?
- Uh...Talk to ray.
- All of a sudden,
I'm not driving the kids?
Where is this coming from?
- From my near-death experience!
It's amazing your license
hasn't been revoked already.
- Ah, let 'em take it.
The damn thing's
expired anyhow.
- Frank, you told me
you took care of it.
What the hell's
wrong with you?
- You're--you're driving
without a valid license?
- I didn't want to wait
in those long lines.
Besides, I kind of like
the picture on this one.
See? Ten pounds lighter
and more hair.
- This expired last year.
- I am not driving with you
until you get that renewed.
- That's incentive?
Why couldn't
my marriage license expire?
- Hey, hey,
what are you doin'?
- You're not getting these back
until you pass a driving test.
- Are you out of your mind?
Give me those damn keys!
Hey, hey, come here.
Hey! Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Hey! Hey!
I'll walk.
[horn honking]
- Dad, it's 7:00 a.M.
What the hell are you doing?
- Let's go.
My test is at 7:30.
- What--what test?
- At the dmv.
I gotta take
the stupid test again,
And they got some rule about
going with a licensed driver.
- I'm not going now.
[horn honking]
dad...
Stop it!
Dad!
- Barone,
you stupid ass!
- Hey! I'm on it!
I got it.
[horn honks]
All right, dad.
I'm coming. Shut up.
- Good morning.
- How'd you get the keys
back from mom?
- That was...
Not pleasant.
But I found the remote.
- Yeah. Come on, let's get this
over with.
Car! Car!
[horn honks]
- Aw, wait your turn!
- Dad, what are you doing?
You didn't look.
You didn't signal.
- There was
plenty of room.
- This is the kind of stuff
That's going to be
on the test, you know.
- Ah, come on,
they're not gonna have
That beginners' crap on there.
- Yes, they are.
You gotta do it.
You gotta look in the mirror.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And both hands on the wheel,
10:00 and 2:00.
Both hands.
Sit up straight.
- Aw, come on!
- Yes, and you have to signal
every time.
- There's only one signal
you need.
Let me find it.
Here it is.
- Dad!
That's a lady, dad!
Oh, great!
She's giving it back.
Good.
That's good.
Two fingers before breakfast.
- Driving test.
The next thing I know,
They'll have me
take a walking test.
- Stop sign.
- Breathing test.
- Stop sign.
- Bathroom test.
- Stop sign, dad!
- What?
- What are you doing?
You went through a stop sign!
- That's called
a "rolling stop."
What? There was nobody coming.
Saves the brakes.
- Yeah, tell that
to your instructor.
You know what he'll give you?
A bus pass.
- I don't need you
telling me how to drive.
I taught you.
- Yeah, well, great.
I'll use your method.
After everything I tell you,
I'll just add
the word "stupid."
- Fine, then I'll burst
into tears.
[imitates a young ray]
"don't yell at me.
[imitates crying]
How can I drive when
you're yelling at me?"
- I'm trying to help you, okay?
Do you want to pass
this test or not?
- Don't worry about me.
This whole family
is a bunch of pansies.
I've been driving
for 50 years.
- Yeah, maybe that's enough.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothin'.
- Let me tell you something.
When I started, you needed
skill to drive a car.
No automatic transmission,
no power steering,
No cup holder.
Yes, sir, you needed
a little muscle, nancy.
- Dad!
[brakes screech]
- Don't yell at me!
- You could have hit that guy!
You didn't see him?
- I-I saw him.
He--he stopped short.
- No, he didn't, dad.
He's at a light.
How am I supposed to think
and drive at the same time?
- Yeah, right. Right.
Green light, dad.
- I know!
[horn honks]
Oh, oh, excuse me.
I forgot to signal.
- What happened?
- He passed.
- He passed?
- He passed.
- Wait, just--just
the written part, right?
- No, everything--
The writing, the driving,
the seeing.
- They gave him
a new license?
- Yeah.
Pretty good picture, too.
- What kind
of government is this?
What do you mean?
They--they just gave
your father a new license?
They're just giving stuff
away over there!
My god. All right, hey,
I'm going to go out tomorrow
And get my pilot's license.
Yes, and then I'm gonna,
oh, perform a few marriages,
And then I'm gonna
open a casino.
- Hey, while you're at it,
get a masseuse's license.
- Why are you
just lying there?
What are we gonna do now?
- What?
What are we gonna do?
He's got a shiny, new license.
Mine expires
before his does.
- Well, just because
he slipped through the crack--
This incredibly huge crack--
Doesn't mean
he should be allowed to drive.
We still have to talk to him.
- No, no.
No.
I'll tell you--I'll tell you
what has to be done--
What I've been
saying all along.
All the cars
should be made out of nerf.
- This is your solution.
- Yeah, that's it.
No, no metal, no glass.
Crashes are now fun.
- Ohh, I see.
You've really
thought this through.
What happens to
your nerf car when it rains?
- You wring it out
at the light.
Rain? The real problem
is the wind.
Aah! My car. Aah.
- The real problem
is that now your father
Has the state
of new york behind him.
- Yeah, well, they better
not try to pass him,
'cause he'll flip 'em off.
- So this doesn't worry you?
- Well, look...
The thing
with my father is, he--
He always drove fast
and took chances, you know.
But he had
the moves to back it up.
Now...
- He's getting older, ray.
- Yeah, but he passed
the test.
And I-I gotta tell you,
I was a little proud of him,
you know, 'cause...
Maybe that means that...
He's not really that old.
- I know it's hard,
you know,
Especially when they live
right across the street
And you see them
every day--
Sometimes two,
three times a day.
And, you know, you don't notice
that they're getting older.
- Yeah.
I guess all that time
He spends with his head
in our fridge...
Keeps him fresh.
- Sometimes I don't see my
parents for, like, three months,
And then when I do,
suddenly, they're older.
- That's the better way.
- So, listen,
what about the driving?
- Well, I think we got to
be adults here, you know, and...
Every morning,
let the air out of his tires.
- No, you're right.
We have to be the grown-ups now,
'cause that's what happens,
And we're just gonna
have to tell them...
They can't drive
the kids anymore,
And he shouldn't be driving
at night,
When the weather's bad,
Or anywhere
there's people.
- While we're at it,
why don't we tell him
How much tv he can watch
and how much candy he's allowed
And make him tie his retainer
to his belt loop
With fishing line
so he doesn't lose it.
They did that to me.
- Well, maybe you'll do
better with them
Than they did with you.
- This--this driving thing--
It's just the beginning,
isn't it?
- Yep.
- Okay, all right,
we're the parents now.
I'll tell you
one thing...
You're giving them
the sex talk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You know who
I saw last night?
- Who?
- Bobby koch.
- Bobby koch...
What, from little league?
- That's right.
The lanky guy.
- Yeah?
How's he doing?
- Remember when we used
to make fun of him
For throwing
like a girl?
- Yeah.
- Turned out to be
a cross-dresser.
- Get out of here!
How do you know?
- I arrested him.
- You can arrest someone
for being a cross-dresser?
- You can when he's beatin' up
a guy with a baseball bat.
- So what does he look like
in a dress?
- Not bad.
- Hey, robert.
Dad look like
he's gettin' old to you?
- Is this
the rest-home discussion?
Because I got
some brochures in my room.
- I mean, what is he now?
He's, like, 66?
- Raymond...
The man is gonna live
for many, many more years,
And you'll feel much better
Once you make your peace
with it.
- No, I mean, it's just...
Hey, you want to be
a parent one day, right?
- Yeah, sure.
- I was thinking of a really
good training program for you.
- Hey.
- It's a boy.
- Where's ally?
The movie starts
in half an hour.
- What movie?
- I told ally I'd take her
To that new piece
of animated crap.
I mean, you know, it's no
little mermaid, but then...
Amy wanted to go.
- Hey, sweetheart.
Go get your raincoat.
- It's really raining, huh?
- Yeah.
- Hey, maybe
I'll go with you.
- You want to go?
- Yeah, yeah, I like
those movies, you know.
Plus, it's the matinee,
right?
You get the matinee price.
You mind watching the twins
till debra gets home?
Sure.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey, ray...
Here.
- You givin' me these?
- You're driving.
You got a problem
with that?
That way, I'll have
both hands free for signaling.
- Bye, uncle robert.
- Bye, kiddo.
Listen, about the movie...
Don't get too attached
to the zebra with the...
Well, you'll see.
- Hey. Oh, boy.
- Hey, you're payin'
for the movie.
- Okay, don't worry about it.
- And I want lots of candy.
- That's gonna ruin
your dinner, though.
Don't jump in the puddles!
- Debra, penney's is having
a sale on athletic socks.
Anybody need socks?
- I think we're good.
- I'm pretty low.
We should swing by.
And I need to get to the
post office before it closes.
- Okay, okay
whoa-whoa!
- Hey, that moron
cut you off.
- All right,
it's all right, frank.
- Hey, hey, wait.
No, you can't be a doormat.
Excuse me, honey.
Grandpa has something
for that man.
- No, frank, no...
- This is for you,
ya stupid, stinkin' hump!
-worse if I leave it..
- You're supposed
to leave it.
That's
the "let it sit" rule, right?
I love that rule.
- Yeah, I never should
have taught you that.
Ooh! I never should have
taught you that either.
- Get away from me!
- Hey, we're in here.
Occupied.
- What is going on?
- Big-shot cop here
wants to give me a ticket.
- I don't want to.
I have to.
- End of the month--
he's got a quota.
- You hit my patrol car.
- I'm your father!
I don't care
if I killed a guy.
You're supposed
to look the other way.
Right?
- Dad, whatever you do,
I want to look the other way.
- I can't look
the other way anymore.
You drive like a maniac.
And dad backs out
of the driveway without looking.
- The car shouldn't
have been there.
- On the street?
- So call it a hit-and-run.
Say you never saw the guy.
- I can't lie
on the police report!
- Because I have a moral
obligation as a police officer.
And I almost got caught for
lying for you the last time.
Now, let me see your license.
- Sorry, sally.
I'm fightin' this.
- There is black and white
on the side of your car.
- I hit a penguin!
- I'm writing the ticket!
- That's barone.
B-a-r-o-n-e...
As in "the man from
whose loins you sprung."
By the way...
I hope you have someplace else
to sleep tonight,
Because if you try
to come home,
I'm going to have you arrested
for breaking and entering.
- Does that couch
pull out?
Is there going to be,
like, a court date?
Because I would take off
of work for that.
- I might just give him
a warning.
- Oh, wussy-wuss-wuss.
Come on, you got a chance
to get even with this guy.
- I don't know.
- What do you mean,
you don't know?
Remember what
he's done to us?
Remember
"guess that smell"?
"the killing
of the tooth fairy"?
"liver week"?
- Liver week was my fault.
It would have been one night
if I just could've swallowed it.
- Ray?
Listen, I've decided.
I don't want frank
driving the kids anymore.
- What?
- I don't want him
driving the kids.
It makes me
uncomfortable.
- Because of the swearing?
- Because of the driving.
He's not a safe driver.
- Yeah, well, I don't think
I can tell him
That he can't drive
his own grandkids around.
- Why not?
He's too aggressive.
- That's why
I can't tell him.
- I can't believe
The way your whole family
protects frank.
You know, he's got
everybody so intimidated.
Good for you, robert,
for giving him that ticket.
- Yeah, well, he's just
giving him a warning.
- Well, I can't live
over here forever.
Can I?
- No.
- Then it's just a warning.
- Wuss.
- You're the wuss.
- How am I the wuss?
- Let me show you
how you're the wuss.
- All right.
All right. Okay.
Ray, okay, okay.
You know, he's right.
At least robert stood up
to frank.
You, on the other hand,
Would put your own children
in jeopardy
Just to avoid
an embarrassing conversation.
- Hey, our kids
are not in jeopardy.
How do we know robert
Isn't the one who
caused that accident?
- It's liver week again!
[baseball game
plays on tv]
- Who wants to go
to the happy zone?
- I do!
- Then get in the car.
And I hope your dad
gave you some quarters,
'cause I'm not the bank.
- Uh, you know, I-I forgot
it was happy zone day.
- Every other Saturday.
That's what you wanted,
wasn't it?
So you could catch up
on the cleaning.
Well, maybe we should
do it more often.
- Last one in the car's
a rotten egg!
- Uh, ally, yeah, yeah,
wait a minute, honey.
- Uh, ray, maybe you
should go with them
- No, no, no.
When everybody goes,
Then this becomes
the happy zone.
- Yeah, well, maybe you should
just go anyway, you know.
You--you take the kids,
So they won't mess up
frank's car.
- Well, I-I'm not so picky
Now that robert got
his stupid cop paint on it.
- See?
Everything's fine.
- Come on, marie!
- Ray, maybe you're
not hearing me.
- I'm hearing you
make trouble.
- Okay, I got juice
for everyone--here we go.
- Ray?
Ray, ray, ray
wants to drive.
- I didn't say that.
- Okay, fine.
I'll go to the happy zone!
- They may not let you in
with that attitude.
- Okay, mommy's driving.
- Then why the hell
am I going?
- Because
it will be fun.
It'll give us all a chance
to spend more time together.
- I thought the point
was to give you a day off.
Not that I ever got
a day off.
- You can take off anytime.
- That's it.
I'm riding with debra.
- Then who's going with me?
- All right, marie, you take
my car and drive the kids.
I'll ride with frank.
I want to talk to him anyway.
- All right!
Look, I'll drive
with my father.
You go with debra
and the kids in our car.
And this way, there doesn't need
to be any talking.
- Why are you going?
- Why? Because I shouldn't
miss out on the happiness.
- Hi, grandpa.
- Yeah, yeah.
See, now there's
a line for skee-ball.
We're screwed.
- Where have you been?
- We ran into traffic.
- It wasn't traffic, dad,
It was a funeral procession.
- One less idiot in the world.
- That's a terrible
thing to say.
You don't even know
the person.
- We met the family,
and believe me--
The family von idiot.
- You met them?
- During the fight.
- [gasps]
- What fight?
- There was no fight.
They didn't want
to get their good suits dirty.
- What happened?
- A few people--
I don't know,
I guess they were the mourners--
They got a little upset,
'cause we almost caused a pileup
When dad cut off the hearse.
- Frank.
- What kind of rush
is he in?
He's dead.
- Hold me, please.
You were right.
You were right.
He shouldn't be
driving the kids.
He shouldn't
be driving at all.
- What are you
blubberin' about?
- You. You.
You're a terrible driver.
- I'm a great driver.
- Dad, we almost got hit.
- It was in my blind spot.
- A 20-car funeral procession?
That's not a blind spot, dad.
That's west.
- You're exaggerating.
- You're a hostile driver.
- He's a hostile person.
You should see him
brush his teeth.
[growling]
- Debra's right, dad.
You're not driving
the kids anymore.
- What's this about, debra?
- Uh...Talk to ray.
- All of a sudden,
I'm not driving the kids?
Where is this coming from?
- From my near-death experience!
It's amazing your license
hasn't been revoked already.
- Ah, let 'em take it.
The damn thing's
expired anyhow.
- Frank, you told me
you took care of it.
What the hell's
wrong with you?
- You're--you're driving
without a valid license?
- I didn't want to wait
in those long lines.
Besides, I kind of like
the picture on this one.
See? Ten pounds lighter
and more hair.
- This expired last year.
- I am not driving with you
until you get that renewed.
- That's incentive?
Why couldn't
my marriage license expire?
- Hey, hey,
what are you doin'?
- You're not getting these back
until you pass a driving test.
- Are you out of your mind?
Give me those damn keys!
Hey, hey, come here.
Hey! Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Hey! Hey!
I'll walk.
[horn honking]
- Dad, it's 7:00 a.M.
What the hell are you doing?
- Let's go.
My test is at 7:30.
- What--what test?
- At the dmv.
I gotta take
the stupid test again,
And they got some rule about
going with a licensed driver.
- I'm not going now.
[horn honking]
dad...
Stop it!
Dad!
- Barone,
you stupid ass!
- Hey! I'm on it!
I got it.
[horn honks]
All right, dad.
I'm coming. Shut up.
- Good morning.
- How'd you get the keys
back from mom?
- That was...
Not pleasant.
But I found the remote.
- Yeah. Come on, let's get this
over with.
Car! Car!
[horn honks]
- Aw, wait your turn!
- Dad, what are you doing?
You didn't look.
You didn't signal.
- There was
plenty of room.
- This is the kind of stuff
That's going to be
on the test, you know.
- Ah, come on,
they're not gonna have
That beginners' crap on there.
- Yes, they are.
You gotta do it.
You gotta look in the mirror.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And both hands on the wheel,
10:00 and 2:00.
Both hands.
Sit up straight.
- Aw, come on!
- Yes, and you have to signal
every time.
- There's only one signal
you need.
Let me find it.
Here it is.
- Dad!
That's a lady, dad!
Oh, great!
She's giving it back.
Good.
That's good.
Two fingers before breakfast.
- Driving test.
The next thing I know,
They'll have me
take a walking test.
- Stop sign.
- Breathing test.
- Stop sign.
- Bathroom test.
- Stop sign, dad!
- What?
- What are you doing?
You went through a stop sign!
- That's called
a "rolling stop."
What? There was nobody coming.
Saves the brakes.
- Yeah, tell that
to your instructor.
You know what he'll give you?
A bus pass.
- I don't need you
telling me how to drive.
I taught you.
- Yeah, well, great.
I'll use your method.
After everything I tell you,
I'll just add
the word "stupid."
- Fine, then I'll burst
into tears.
[imitates a young ray]
"don't yell at me.
[imitates crying]
How can I drive when
you're yelling at me?"
- I'm trying to help you, okay?
Do you want to pass
this test or not?
- Don't worry about me.
This whole family
is a bunch of pansies.
I've been driving
for 50 years.
- Yeah, maybe that's enough.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothin'.
- Let me tell you something.
When I started, you needed
skill to drive a car.
No automatic transmission,
no power steering,
No cup holder.
Yes, sir, you needed
a little muscle, nancy.
- Dad!
[brakes screech]
- Don't yell at me!
- You could have hit that guy!
You didn't see him?
- I-I saw him.
He--he stopped short.
- No, he didn't, dad.
He's at a light.
How am I supposed to think
and drive at the same time?
- Yeah, right. Right.
Green light, dad.
- I know!
[horn honks]
Oh, oh, excuse me.
I forgot to signal.
- What happened?
- He passed.
- He passed?
- He passed.
- Wait, just--just
the written part, right?
- No, everything--
The writing, the driving,
the seeing.
- They gave him
a new license?
- Yeah.
Pretty good picture, too.
- What kind
of government is this?
What do you mean?
They--they just gave
your father a new license?
They're just giving stuff
away over there!
My god. All right, hey,
I'm going to go out tomorrow
And get my pilot's license.
Yes, and then I'm gonna,
oh, perform a few marriages,
And then I'm gonna
open a casino.
- Hey, while you're at it,
get a masseuse's license.
- Why are you
just lying there?
What are we gonna do now?
- What?
What are we gonna do?
He's got a shiny, new license.
Mine expires
before his does.
- Well, just because
he slipped through the crack--
This incredibly huge crack--
Doesn't mean
he should be allowed to drive.
We still have to talk to him.
- No, no.
No.
I'll tell you--I'll tell you
what has to be done--
What I've been
saying all along.
All the cars
should be made out of nerf.
- This is your solution.
- Yeah, that's it.
No, no metal, no glass.
Crashes are now fun.
- Ohh, I see.
You've really
thought this through.
What happens to
your nerf car when it rains?
- You wring it out
at the light.
Rain? The real problem
is the wind.
Aah! My car. Aah.
- The real problem
is that now your father
Has the state
of new york behind him.
- Yeah, well, they better
not try to pass him,
'cause he'll flip 'em off.
- So this doesn't worry you?
- Well, look...
The thing
with my father is, he--
He always drove fast
and took chances, you know.
But he had
the moves to back it up.
Now...
- He's getting older, ray.
- Yeah, but he passed
the test.
And I-I gotta tell you,
I was a little proud of him,
you know, 'cause...
Maybe that means that...
He's not really that old.
- I know it's hard,
you know,
Especially when they live
right across the street
And you see them
every day--
Sometimes two,
three times a day.
And, you know, you don't notice
that they're getting older.
- Yeah.
I guess all that time
He spends with his head
in our fridge...
Keeps him fresh.
- Sometimes I don't see my
parents for, like, three months,
And then when I do,
suddenly, they're older.
- That's the better way.
- So, listen,
what about the driving?
- Well, I think we got to
be adults here, you know, and...
Every morning,
let the air out of his tires.
- No, you're right.
We have to be the grown-ups now,
'cause that's what happens,
And we're just gonna
have to tell them...
They can't drive
the kids anymore,
And he shouldn't be driving
at night,
When the weather's bad,
Or anywhere
there's people.
- While we're at it,
why don't we tell him
How much tv he can watch
and how much candy he's allowed
And make him tie his retainer
to his belt loop
With fishing line
so he doesn't lose it.
They did that to me.
- Well, maybe you'll do
better with them
Than they did with you.
- This--this driving thing--
It's just the beginning,
isn't it?
- Yep.
- Okay, all right,
we're the parents now.
I'll tell you
one thing...
You're giving them
the sex talk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You know who
I saw last night?
- Who?
- Bobby koch.
- Bobby koch...
What, from little league?
- That's right.
The lanky guy.
- Yeah?
How's he doing?
- Remember when we used
to make fun of him
For throwing
like a girl?
- Yeah.
- Turned out to be
a cross-dresser.
- Get out of here!
How do you know?
- I arrested him.
- You can arrest someone
for being a cross-dresser?
- You can when he's beatin' up
a guy with a baseball bat.
- So what does he look like
in a dress?
- Not bad.
- Hey, robert.
Dad look like
he's gettin' old to you?
- Is this
the rest-home discussion?
Because I got
some brochures in my room.
- I mean, what is he now?
He's, like, 66?
- Raymond...
The man is gonna live
for many, many more years,
And you'll feel much better
Once you make your peace
with it.
- No, I mean, it's just...
Hey, you want to be
a parent one day, right?
- Yeah, sure.
- I was thinking of a really
good training program for you.
- Hey.
- It's a boy.
- Where's ally?
The movie starts
in half an hour.
- What movie?
- I told ally I'd take her
To that new piece
of animated crap.
I mean, you know, it's no
little mermaid, but then...
Amy wanted to go.
- Hey, sweetheart.
Go get your raincoat.
- It's really raining, huh?
- Yeah.
- Hey, maybe
I'll go with you.
- You want to go?
- Yeah, yeah, I like
those movies, you know.
Plus, it's the matinee,
right?
You get the matinee price.
You mind watching the twins
till debra gets home?
Sure.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey, ray...
Here.
- You givin' me these?
- You're driving.
You got a problem
with that?
That way, I'll have
both hands free for signaling.
- Bye, uncle robert.
- Bye, kiddo.
Listen, about the movie...
Don't get too attached
to the zebra with the...
Well, you'll see.
- Hey. Oh, boy.
- Hey, you're payin'
for the movie.
- Okay, don't worry about it.
- And I want lots of candy.
- That's gonna ruin
your dinner, though.
Don't jump in the puddles!
- Debra, penney's is having
a sale on athletic socks.
Anybody need socks?
- I think we're good.
- I'm pretty low.
We should swing by.
And I need to get to the
post office before it closes.
- Okay, okay
whoa-whoa!
- Hey, that moron
cut you off.
- All right,
it's all right, frank.
- Hey, hey, wait.
No, you can't be a doormat.
Excuse me, honey.
Grandpa has something
for that man.
- No, frank, no...
- This is for you,
ya stupid, stinkin' hump!