Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 3 - Brother - full transcript

- You know what today is,
don't you?

It's the second anniversary
of your brother's divorce.

- Oh, I didn't
get him a card.

- You should see him

Sitting over there
with the dog.

It is so sad.

Oh, your father's
trying everything

To get him
to snap out of it.

- What's he doing?

- He's yelling,
"snap out of it."

- Why is robert
thinking about his divorce?



He's got this
great girlfriend now.

Where is amy?

- She's out of town
on business.

Does she care
that robert is sensitive?

- Ma.

- Does she care about
this is the day that--

- Ma, ma, ma!

What do you want?

- I want you to be
a brother.

Go to him.

- What?

- Take him out.
Spend an evening with him.

Make him feel better.

Your father and I
are out of material.



- I'm not going over there,
all right?

I wouldn't know
what to say.

- I don't care
what you say.

Just get him
out of the house.

It's depressing.

- I really don't believe
you people.

He's your son.
He's your brother.

None of you
can talk to him?

- Where have you been?

- Look, robert's going
through a tough time.

All he needs is someone
to listen to him,

To understand
what he's going through.

- You go.

- No, not me.

I mean, if I went,

It would only be embarrassing
for robert.

He would know that you're all
over here talking about him.

- She's right.
Not her.

She's not family.

- That's how
I'm able to go on.

- What's to eat here?

- Probably nothing.

I'll make you something.

- Ray, you got
to go over there.

- I don't want
to talk to him.

- Don't talk to him, then.

Just...Well,
take him to the movies.

You don't have
to talk at the movies.

- That's true.
You don't have to talk.

We should go
to movies more.

- Ray.

- I don't want to go.

- I don't want your--

- All right. Shh!

- Listen.
[mumbling]

- All right, look,
I'll go.

But later...

[mumbling]

Hey.

- Hey.

- So...

How's it going?

- Well...

You know,
today's...

- Oh, yeah.

- Yep!

That's today.

- Where's the dog?

- Went out.

- That's what they do.
They go out.

- Yeah, they do, yeah.

- I was gonna go out too.

- Where you going?

- Nowhere.
I don't know.

Movies, something,
you know.

- Movie, huh?

- Yeah. Why?
Did you want to...

- No, no.
No.

- You sure?
'cause...

I was thinking, uh...

- What?

Want me to go?

- If you don't sit
in front of me.

- Where's debra?

- Tired. She's...
Kids, you know?

Yeah.
- Just you and me?

- Unless you don't want to.

- No, no.

- Good, good.

- What's playing?

- Whatever. The 8:30.

- Good, good, good.

Huh, maybe I'll go with you.

- Although the shooting...
- Yeah.

- I'll tell you,
my favorite part

Was when the guy
hits the pimp

With the manhole cover.

- No, I saw that coming.

Yeah, you know the part
that I thought was fake?

When that little guy
came in the room

Shooting like this:
Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

What was that?
- I loved that.

- You're sacrificing accuracy.

- Anybody can shoot like this:
Boom. Boom. Boom.

That's boring.
That's boring.

You've seen that
in a hundred movies.

But this way...

Let's say this table here
is full of drugs, right?

Bad guys on each side,

And they're splitting up
the money.

You know, you come in:
Boom!

"hey, mother..."

Get down!

I know.

But there was some shooting
in the movie

That we had to try, and...

I know.

It's late,
and we were loud,

And the kids
are sleeping, and...

Oh, look.
You were sleeping too.

- Nonpareil?

Man.

She really
let you have it, huh?

- She had that look like mom did
when we were kids

And she caught us eating
that whole box of sucrets.

Remember that?

- Yeah, my tongue
was numb for a month.

- Mom thought we were gonna be
drug addicts.

She said,
"that's how it starts!"

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Huh?
Yeah.

Remember when she flushed

The children's aspirin
down the toilet?

- Yeah.

Those sucrets
were your idea.

- Yeah.

But you were
right there with me,

Lozenge for lozenge.

Everything I did,
you always did.

- Yeah.
- Couldn't get rid of you.

Remember what I used
to call you?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- What did I used
to call you?

- Right-behind-me raymond.
- Yeah.

- All right, go ahead.

- Yeah.

[spoons clinking loudly]

Do you remember
that assistant principal?

Mrs. Mccaffrey.

Right? The one
with the wooden leg?

- Yeah, yeah.

I used to try to sneak
a look at her legs

To figure out
which one it was.

- It was her left one.

- Yeah?
How could you tell?

- No hair on it.
- Ah.

Hey, remember...
Remember mike kimmelman?

He snuck
into her office.

He left her an apple
and a can of lemon pledge.

- Crazy kimmelman, huh?

- Ah, kimmelman.

- Well, getting kind of late.
- Yeah.

- Got a day shift tomorrow.

Listen.

This was, uh...

You know, 'cause...

I was feeling a little...
Then you...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Listen,
I'll see you.

- Yeah.

Hey.
- Yeah.

- Tonight was good.
It was good.

- It was good.
- Yeah.

- Thanks for asking me.

- I'm glad mom and dad
thought of it, really.

- What?

- Huh?

- You mean
this was their idea?

- Yeah,
but it was a good one.

- Whoa, whoa. Wait. Wait.

You asked me to go
with you tonight

Because they told you to?

- Oh, no, no, no.
Not told.

They told me
you were alone, that's all.

- Thanks a lot, raymond.

Thanks for the charity.

- Oh, come on.
Robert. Robert!

Come on!

Robert.

Hey.

Can I talk to you?

Robert, stop a second.

- 68.

- Mom and dad didn't tell me
to go with you.

Okay, they told me,
but then I agreed to it.

Okay?

Come on. Come on, robert.
I'm serious.

Look, we can go to another movie
if you want.

And nobody's telling me
to say that.

That's just me talkin'.

- I just want some tea.
My throat hurts.

- As long as you're down here,
make me something.

- Frank,
the boys are back.

- Hey...

Wasn't it nice of ray
to come and get you

And take you somewhere?

- I know what you did.
You put ray up to it.

Thanks a lot.

- Well, you're just sittin'
around here like a lump.

Jeez, you try to be
sensitive to somebody...

- Ugh.
Again with the shoes?

Ooh, I have a sore throat.

- Maybe you should
take a sucrets, mom.

- Oh, that's a good idea.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Don't take too many
of those, though, ma, you know?

[laughs]

- What's...

What's so funny?
I have a sore throat.

[laughter]

- That is a little funny.
[laughs]

- Why is that funny, frank?

- Because you're always talking,
so you got a sore throat.

[laughter]

- So my pain
is your pleasure?

- That's not pain.

I was in korea.

That was pain.

- Oh, yeah. That's right.
Korea, dad, huh?

A lot of medicine
over there, right?

- They did not!

It was just the opposite.

You take a mortar shell
right in the head,

They slap a band-aid on it
and say, "snap out of it!

- Walk it off!"

- That's right.
- Tough it out.

- If you love somethin',
set it free.

- What?

- What,
they didn't say that?

They didn't say that
over there?

[laughter]

- What--what are you?
Are you wise guys?

- No, no.
- No, no.

- Hey, what is this?

Has someone been eating
my sucrets?

- Yes!

Yes, we're hopped up
on the sucrets.

- Look at all
the pretty colors.

- Hey, dad's got hair!

- Come on. No, no, no.
There were six in here.

- Hey, ma, look.
Don't worry. I know a guy.

We can score
some more for you.

- What's so damn funny?

- Nothin'. Nothin' funny.
Nothing's funny.

[laughter]

- Go ahead. Go ahead.
Keep laughing.

One of these days,
you'll turn around,

And I won't be here.

- Not today.
- Ah!

[laughter]

- Hey, robert.

Decided to come over and watch
a ballgame with raymond.

- Noooo!
- He's puttin' the kids to bed.

You know, I love it that you two
are gettin' along so well.

Kind of reminds me
of me and my sister...

When we used to get along.

[loud crash]

Eh...How's it going
up there?

- They want you!

- Listen, deb,
if it's okay with you,

I was thinkin' maybe
I'd take ray fishin' on Sunday.

- Oh, yeah?
Oh, great.

You guys can
bring home dinner.

- No, no.
Strictly catch and release.

Yeah, it's not
about the fish.

It's about two guys in a boat,
sittin' on the water

With a big cooler
full of soda and peaches.

What did I do?

- You're just cute,
that's all.

- Ah...

- Sorry. They want to talk
to my supervisor.

- You should know
I'm interviewing other people

For your position.

- So, raymond,
you ready for the knicks?

- Got the ginger ale.

- Hey, your brother wants
to take you fishing on Sunday.

- Oh, yeah?
Hey, that's great.

- Hey, ally,
what are you still doing up?

- I had a bad dream.

- Come on, kiddo.
I know all about bad dreams.

At least you get
to wake up here.

- Oh, my god. Fishing.

- What?
What's wrong with fishing?

- I'm fishing with robert.

Look, I like
doing things with him,

But fishing is too quiet.

I like loud things.
He's gonna want to talk.

- So why can't you
talk to him?

You know, talk about...

Cars or breasts or whatever crap
guys talk about.

- I wish.

Since we've been hangin' out,

It seems like he wants
to talk about...

- What? Talk about what?

- Feelings.

- Feelings?
Oh, no.

That could lead to caring
and even...Closeness.

[shudders]

- The two of us
just stuck on a boat

With the soda
and the peaches.

- I'll tell you, those kids
get cuter every day, huh?

Oh, man,
don't you just melt

When they give you
that good-night kiss

And tell you how much
they love you?

- Yeah, well,
that's a great thing.

Listen, the game's gonna start.
Let's crank it up.

Turn it way loud

So it's like we're there.

- So how was work today?

I want to catch
the opening lineup here.

- Mr. Speaker, the president
of the United States.

[hail to the chief plays]

- What the hell is this?

- It's the damn
state of the union address.

- Now?

He's got to do this now?

Oh, god,
it's on every channel.

- Oh, man. Well, here,
let's just turn it off.

Give us a chance to talk.

You know what I did
to mom today?

I got into
the sucrets drawer.

I put more in.

Can't wait to see her face.

- Yeah, the sucrets.

- You know what was funny
about the other night?

Making fun of mom and dad,
I realized something.

Only you and I know
how funny they really are.

No one else has that.

- Yeah.

It's kind of that
unspoken thing, you know?

The thing that really doesn't
have to be spoken about,

You know?

You want to rent a movie
or something?

- No, no.
No.

Listen, I wanted
to ask you something.

- [stifling a groan]

- It's about amy.

- Oh...Okay. Amy?
Go ahead.

- Did you feel that...

You had to sleep with debra
to see whether or not

You were really
in love with her?

I--I mean, you know,

I think that sexual attraction
is so important,

And I was just wondering

If your feelings changed
for debra after you had sex.

- What happened to amy?

- Well, look, this is
what I'm going through.

I wanted to talk about it.

We never used to be able
to talk like this.

- Yeah...

- What's the matter?

- I just--I'm not good
at this stuff, you know?

- Want to talk about it?

- No!

I don't like talkin'.

- You mean you don't like
talkin' to me.

- That's right.

I don't like talkin'
about this stuff with you.

It gives me the creeps.
You're my brother.

- Want to talk about that?

- No! No! No.

I just want it
to be like before.

- Where you didn't
talk to me at all.

- No--

- Oh, come on.
Admit it, raymond!

You never wanted
to be close.

- Close? You grew up
in the same room as me.

You live
right across the street.

You're over at my house
every day.

How much closer
can we be?

- Well,
I don't know you, okay?

I want to know you.

- Okay! You want to know me?
- Yeah!

You asked about the first time
I had sex with debra.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you.
I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe
that someone like her

Would allow someone like me
to sleep with them.

So you know
what happened?

I cried, all right?

I cried.
I was so embarrassed.

So for the whole time, I never
looked at her once, okay?

- President looks good.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Chip?
- Yeah.

- Speaker...

Speaker,
mr. Vice president...

- Game will be on soon.

- Yeah.
Yeah, it'll be good.

- Let's turn it up.

- Yeah, turn it up.

- The challenge is great
as any in our peacetime history.

[both sigh heavily]