Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 4 - Mozart - full transcript

When Ally becomes bored of the piano after three lessons by Marie, Ray decides to give the former a lesson about not quitting, as he doesn't want her to lose interest so quickly. He asks Marie to teach him the piano again.

- He stepped out of bounds.

Throw the flag.

He's out of bounds.

- Don't you shut that door
on me, young lady.

- Ally, what happened?

- You get back here.

- No!

- Ally.

- No!

- She won't finish
her piano lesson.

- I don't want
any stupid lesson!



- Hey.

I'm trying to watch here.

- Marie, what happened?

- Well, I've never had a student
like her.

She just slams the piano lid
down and runs out of the house.

Is this how
you raise your daughter?

- When the game's on,
it's her daughter.

- Ally, if you don't take
your lesson seriously,

You cannot play the piano.

- Okay.

- You have 20 minutes
of arpeggios left today.

Are you coming back
across the street or not?

- No!
- Uh...

- Hey, ally--



Hey!

- You know, marie, maybe we
should just let it go for today.

- Let it go.

Fine.

We can let it all go.

We'll let it all go!

Music.

Culture.

Civilization.

Mozart would have been one
of those bang-ganging rapsters.

- Snoop mozie mozart.

- Ally, do you want
to tell mommy what's wrong?

Does grandma scare you?

- No.

- Well, then, what is it?

- Piano's boring.

- Boring?

Ally,
you've had three lessons.

- Ray, just...

Honey, if you really
don't like it

And you don't want
to do it anymore,

You don't have to.

- Great!

- That's it?

- What?

- No more piano,
just like that?

That's okay?

If she doesn't want
to take piano lessons,

We're not going to
force her to, are we?

- Well...

I mean, what if
she's great at piano?

You got to stick to stuff.

You don't quit
after three lessons.

Did I quit asking
you to marry me

After three rejections?

No.

No, no.

You don't get anywhere
if you quit.

I don't want ally to be...

Like that.

- Ray...

- What?

- Well, I had no idea
you'd feel so strongly about it.

I'm glad that you do.

You know,
I feel very strongly about it.

You should tell ally
that you want her to continue.

- No, wait, wait, please...
- Yes, that's great.

- Sweetie, come here.
Come here.

- No, I don't want to be
the one who forces--

[groans]
- come on.

- I was watching the game,
that's all.

- Sweetie, daddy and I
were talking, and...

Go ahead, ray.

- No, you're doing good.

- Come on.
- You're doing good.

You've got a knack for this.

- Hey.

I need a vase.

- You need a vase?

- I broke a vase.

Mom's blue vase.

I'm ironing...

Right?
Yeah.

Okay.

Let's go.
Vase. Vase.

- What is with you?

- Ma's already upset about...

"the one who quit the lesson."

I don't want to be
"the one who broke the vase."

I'm still
"the one who broke the bidet."

- Hey, uncle robert,
you know what grandma told me?

She sees potential in ally.
Huh?

And grandma's
a pretty good piano teacher.

She doesn't see potential
in just anybody.

- Ha, well, that's true.

She tried to teach me piano
when I was a kid,

But I got the nosebleeds.

That's why you'll notice
some of the keys

Are still a little discolored.

- Did you take piano,
too, daddy?

- Yes. Yes, I did.
- You did?

- Yeah. Yeah.
We took lessons from grandma.

- So you can play piano?

- No.
No, that was, uh...

It was a long time ago.

I...

- Did you quit?

- Ah.

- How's that book?

- It's great.
- Yeah.

You like it?
- Mm-hmm.

- How long is it?

- Ray, do you want to talk?

- If you want.

- Look, I know
you feel bad about ally.

- Well, I mean, how can I
tell her not to quit, when...

- When you're a quitter?

- Thanks.

What's that book about--
gelding?

- Nobody would blame you

For not wanting
to take piano lessons

From your mother.

I mean, jeez, she gave me
a knitting lesson once,

And by the end of it,
I wanted to impale myself.

- My mother is not why I quit.

- Well, you know,
I'm no shrink,

But of course it is!

- No.

It wasn't her, okay?

It was my father.

He wasn't very...

Supportive.

- He just--he hated the idea
of me taking piano lessons.

He thought a boy
should be out playing ball

And stuff and...

- What, are you saying,
that you miss the piano?

- Well, I don't know,
you know?

My mother
was a really good teacher.

In fact, I'll tell you,
some of the best times we had

Were at the piano.

She was different there,
you know,

'cause she--
she loved the music,

And that just made her...

Nice.

What the hell was that?

- I just can't believe
how adorable you are.

I never knew
you had all these feelings.

- Don't tell anybody.

[chuckles]

But, yes,
I'm full of feelings.

- I have an idea.

- Good.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

- Take some more piano lessons
from your mother.

- What?
- Yes!

- No, no, no...
- Yes, no, listen.

Not for you--
just to show ally.

Just enough to be able
to play a song or...Something.

- No.
- You know, to set an example.

- I can't. I can't.

- Sure you can.

- No. Come on!
I'm--I'm--

- Are you a quitter?

- Heh.

You know, I'm going
to stop being so adorable

If this is what I get.

[vacuum whirring]

- Ma.

[louder]
ma.

[clattering]

- [gasps]

What are you doing?

[muttering]

- Have you been lifting weights?

God, you don't
need that thing.

Just pick up the house
and shake it.

- What do you want
from me, huh?

Are you hungry?

I'll make you
something to eat.

- No, no, no,
I'm not hungry.

Listen, uh...

What are you doing
after vacuuming?

- I reload the bag
and go again.

- I was wondering if,
uh, maybe later on...

If you could maybe
give me a piano lesson.

Maybe later.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing. I'm--

- You're--
you're making fun of me?

- No. No--

- You don't think I know
the kids make fun of me?

- Nobody's making anything--

- "ha-ha-ha-ha,
the old piano lady!"

Yeah, like I'm
from the lost world.

Yeah, maybe if more children
took piano lessons

Instead of
shooting lessons today,

We'd be better off.

- They don't take
shooting lessons, ma.

They just shoot.

- Go.
Go ahead. Go.

Go buy your kids guns.

That's what they want.
- Come on...

- Guns and crack.
Go ahead.

You should do
whatever they want.

- Mom, listen.

You were right yesterday.

I don't think ally
should give up piano so fast,

So I wanted to play
something for her

To set an example,

To show her,
you know.

And I need a brush-up,
a lesson.

- That was 25 years ago,
raymond.

- So? We--

We pick up
right where we left off.

Come on.

Look at this.

See, I sit here,

You sit there.

Remember?

- I remember.

- So?

Come on,
it's still good.

Still nice.

Remember nice?

No yelling.

We break later
for a chocolate milk,

Butter cookies.

- You're serious?

- Yeah, yes, yes.

I want to do this, ma.

Ma?

- I knew you'd come back.

Ohh.

Here, get up.

We were working
on this piece.

- You kept my music?

- We don't throw out music.

- You got what I was
wearing in there?

I think it was bell-bottoms
and a vest with fringes.

[laughter]

- Oh, raymond, I'm so happy.

- What's all this?

- Oh, robbie.

Your brother's
returned to music.

- Oh?

- You can never turn your back
on your talent.

You know,
I was thinking of, uh,

Taking up the drums again.

Just got to scoop
the kitty litter

Out of the bass drum.

- Oh, that's silly, robbie.

You're a policeman.

- I'm a sergeant.

Come on, shamsky.

Let's go scratch.

- You remember this one?

You almost had it down.

- "theme from love story."

- Good, see?

And your posture's
still very good.

Leaning in.

- Sitting up's
for the dinner table.

- And relaxed elbows and in.

- We're not flying away.

[laughter]

- Oh, you do remember.

All right,
shall we try it?

Now, now, no pressure.

Just take your time.

- Okay, wrists up.
- Right, right, right.

- Right, all right.
- Okay.

- What--what's that note?

- That's "c."

- "c"?

No, that's not a "c,"
sweetie.

Does it have a line
running through it?

- Yes.

- Well, then how can
that be a "c"?

No.

F-a-c-e, face,

Are the ones in the spaces.
- Right.

With the line
running through it.

You know that.

What's e-g-d-b-f?

- "ellen garvey's behind
deserves framing."

- I don't like that,
raymond.

- Sorry.

- It's "every girl
bakes delicious fudge."

- Or "eric gunsel boinked"--

- Oh, raymond.

- That's how I remember it.

You got the fudge way.

- Get up.
- What?

- Well, you're obviously
unprepared for this number.

We need a practice book.

- Oh, I hate
the practice book.

- Here's the brown one.

- Oh, brown.

- Now, do you want,
uh, "pretty polly"

Or "eskimo boy"?

Well?

- "pretty polly."
- okay.

Here we go.

Okay?

All right,
wrists, posture.

- Ow! Ow!

[singing]
pretty polly is a polly

Go ahead, third finger.

- Where?

- "where?"

Get up.

- What? What the--
- oh.

Because it's
too hard for you.

You need the purple book.

There.

All right?

What's this note?

- "b."

- Get up.

The orange book.

- Orange? You skipped
the blue book.

- You have to earn
the blue book.

You don't even know
the basics, raymond.

Don't you listen to me
when I talk?

- That was 25 years ago!

- And you remembered
ellen garvey!

- Her behind
deserved framing!

- Oh, you think
that's funny, huh?

Well, you listen to me.

There's nothing funny about
throwing away your talent.

- Oh, come on, ma.
What talent?

- You had talent.

You had potential.

You had sensitivity.

Look at your fingers.

They're beautiful.

- Oh, come on.

Oh, mom!

Ma!

I'll try "eskimo boy."

[groans]

- Oh, hey, ray.

The rat go home?

- Rat?

- Yeah, I heard
your mother giving a lesson

To one of her piano rats.

I was hiding out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
the rat went home.

I hate the sound of a kid
on that thing.

[singing]
plink, plink, plink

I'm going to chop it
into kindling

And put a big vibrating
chair right there.

Hey?

- Yeah.

Yeah, that'll sound better,

You bouncing around
in a chair.

- You want to watch the jets?

- No, no, no, thanks.

Listen, dad, when I was
taking piano lessons as a kid,

How come you never,
you know...

- Killed myself?

[chuckling]

[grunts]

- I was--I was gonna say
"encouraged me."

- Encouraged
your piano lessons?

- Yeah.

- Why the hell
would I do that?

I heard some parents
were into encouraging, dad.

You know?

Maybe you could've
been better about it.

- What in the holy name of crap
are you talking about?

You always ragged me
about practicing the piano.

And I think
that's maybe why I quit.

- Good!

- Good?

I don't think so, dad.

- What are you saying?

Are you saying
I didn't do my job by you?

I did my job.

I got you away
from that thing.

I got you outside.

Who taught you
how to hit, catch, throw?

Who took you
to shea stadium?

And, hey, am I mistaken,

Or does somebody here
make a decent living now

As a sports writer?

No, I think what you
meant to say was,

"thank you, dad."

- I--I could've done
music and sports.

- No.

Unless you want
to play the organ at shea.

At least those songs are good.

[chuckles]

Hey, you sorry I didn't
take you to ballet class?

Hey, I think
I did all right by you.

- All right?
What did you do, dad?

Maybe I liked the piano,
you know?

Maybe I had potential
or something.

I don't know, I--

Huh, all right, huh.

- Aw, catch the damn ball,
you stinking hump!

- Listen, ma, I'm sorry.

- No, no, no.

I'm the one who's sorry.

I shouldn't have expected you

To remember
all those things.

I overreacted.

You know, I have that.

- The overreaction thing.

- For years.
- Yeah.

- It's just that--

Ah, never mind.

- What? What?
- No.

Sports is so stupid!

I mean,
who would've ever dreamed

That a child of mine
would end up in sports?

- I like sports.
- I know, I know.

And you're very good at it.

- You know what
the amazing thing is?

That I can function at all.

- You know,
when I was a girl,

I loved the piano.

And my mother wanted me
to play, too.

But she--she had these
ridiculous expectations for me.

And I--I always
disappointed her.

- How?

- Fingers: Short and stubby.

Again the point is
that I love music.

And I wanted to impart
some of that

To robbie and you.

Except that every time your
brother sat down at the piano,

[groans]

- The nosebleeds, yeah.

- I mean, a mother shouldn't
be disgusted, but "ecch."

But you, you had an ear.

- Hmm, and fingers.

- Yes.

- Well, I know why I quit.
It was dad.

- No, no, no,
it wasn't your father.

It was you.

Okay, your father,

His idea of culture
is an undershirt with sleeves.

But you know, you were the one
who lost interest

In the piano, raymond.

- No, I liked the piano.

- No, you liked the idea
of the piano.

- I liked the lessons.

- Mm.

We had nice times.

But you wanted to go
with the other boys,

Running and punching
and spitting.

[laughs]

What could I do?

I had to let you go.

I didn't want
to be my mother.

- Thanks.

Thanks, ma.

- Just know...

You could've been something.

- Thanks.

- Just promise me
that even if you don't play,

You'll somehow have music.

It is so important
to have music.

- Hey, any more
pretzels or what?

- You got legs?

I'm not your damn slave girl!

- Girl?

Ha!

- Ha?

Oh, I'll give you "ha."

- Ma, ma, ma,

So you want to try giving me
a couple more lessons?

- Why?

You don't have
to do it for me, raymond.

- I know.
It's--it's for ally.

I want her
to have music, too.

- Ohh, raymond.

- All right, okay.

- Oh, raymond,
you're so sweet.

- Daddy, I got
your pretzels.

[playing
"theme from love story"]

[music pauses]

[music resumes]

[music concludes]

- Oh!
- Oh, that was good.

- Oh.

Whoo.

[applause]

- So, ally,
what do you think?

- Nice.

- Who wants to play t-ball?

- Play t-ball.
- Me! Me!

- Everybody,
come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Come on.
Come on.

- 1, 2...

[drumsticks clicking]

[upbeat drum music]

Nosebleed!