Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 2 - Father Knows Least - full transcript

Ally is disobeying Ray and Debra. Not doing what she's told to do. Always in a bad mood. Ray tries to find out why.

-Okay, I read to Ally.

-Thanks for putting her to bed for me, Ray.

-It's been a really long day.

-I read her 'Rapunzel'.
(It's a fairy tale wrote by the Brothers Grimm.
It tells a story about a girl with tower-long hair.)

-Good for you.

-Yeah? I don't know.

-She has a keen on long hair, and I said,
'If you live in a tower...

-and there's no shampoo...

-and your hair gets long enough
to climb on...

-it might get disgusting.'

-Yeah.



-Well, so Ally wants a haircut.

-Well, we'll get her a haircut.

-Now.

-Ray, don't tell me I have to go...
-I'm ready, Mommy.

-I gave her a dollar to tip you with.

-Act surprised.

-Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island
with my wife, Debra...

-my 6-year-oId daughter
and twin 2-year-oId boys.

-Me!

-My parents...

-live across the street. That's right.

-And my brother lives with them.

-Now, not every family
would defy gravity for you...

-but mine would because--



-Everybody loves Raymond.

-Hey, you didn't....

-Okay, Ally. Daddy's going to be home
any minute with dinner, so let's clean up.

-Sweetie, why don't you take all your dolls
off the table...

-and wash your hands, okay?

-Grandma, look.

-Ally, please clean up.

-Isn't that nice?

-What's this one, a streetwalker?

-No, she's an aerobics instructor, Marie.

-She's dressed for the gym.
Ally, can you look at me?

-Are you having trouble listening?

-Hi, come on.

-This is from Nemo's, so let's get to it
before it eats through the bag.

-Ray, help Ally get ready for dinner, please.

-And can you get rid of them?

-Hey, guys.
-Daddy's home.

-Time to...time to go home now.

-I'm watching the game.

-I think they're beaming it
into your house, too, Dad.

-Dad's taping Channel 5 over there.
-Why? What's on 5?

-He wants to catch that commercial
for the chicken restaurant.

-The one where it's so good,
the chicken goes there to eat it?

-I'm dying to see it.
-Ray, please. We're all dying here.

-We're eating, man. Come on, go.

-Ally, don't make me
keep asking you, sweetie.

-Get the toys picked up
and your hands washed.

-Look, there it is.

-May I take your order?

-Dad, did I tell you? It's a killer.
-You didn't lie.

-Ally, I'm done asking you.
I want the toys picked up now.

-No!

-If you don't do what I'm telling you right now,
you can forget about dessert.

-No dessert.

-I don't want any stupid dessert.

-Oh, my!
-Sure you do.

-Ray, I can't take this anymore.
Could you handle it, please?

-I got it. All right.

-Ally, wash your hands and do what...

-Don't make Mommy mad.
-No.

-Look, you have to do what Mommy says.
-Why?

-'Cause I do.

-Grandma's got some candy for a girl...
-No.

-...who cleans up.
-No candy, Mom. Come on.

-Mom, you don't pay her upfront.

-Just watch. All right, now, honey,
clean up, sweetheart.

-No.

-Candy always worked.

-I don't know what Debra's done
to this child.

-Look, just let me handle it, all right?

-Ally, I'm gonna give you to the count of three.

-If you don't start picking up your toys,
no TV for a week.

-One...

-two....

-I'm not kidding. One, two....

-This is it.

-Two-and-a-half.

-Two-and-three-quarters.

-Let me tell you something, Ally.
I don't know any more fractions.
Okay?

-Three. That's all. No TV for a week.
-No!

-What happened?

-I handled it, all right?
Everything... everything worked out.

-I hate you!

-Okay, folks, let's keep it moving.
Show's over.

-Nothing more to see here. Let's go.

-What's wrong with you?

-How can you yell at your child
in front of other people?

-Don't you know
how humiliating that could be?

-I hate you.

-Hey, lucky pants.

-Thank you very much, Ray.

-You're welcome.

-What did I do?

-You know, I haven't had
a minute to myself all day.

-When you take TV away from Ally,
you're punishing me, too.

-You know what my day was like?

-It went something like this:
'I wanna watch TV.'

-'No.'

-'I wanna watch TV.'
-'No.'

-Lunch.

-'I wanna watch TV.'
-'No.'

-'Hey, Lucky pants.'

-That's me. That's where I came in.

-Yeah. What are you gonna do for me next, Ray?
Take away her nap time?

-When a kid misbehaves, you take away
something that's important to her.

-What would you have done?

-Honestly, I have no idea.

-Well, then I think we shouldn't
dump on the people who have ideas.

-Okay, here's an idea, then.

-'Parent Effectiveness Training. Coping
with your child's behavioral challenges.'

-Where did you get this?

-They were sticking them
on the windshield at Chuck E. Cheese's
(a chain of restaurants which provide a lot of entertainment for family plus food).

-Come on. Look, we don't need classes.
We're great parents.

-All right, you're a great parent,
and I'm your lovely assistant.

-I don't feel like a great parent.

-Great parents don't find themselves
in the supermarket going:

-'We don't throw plums.'

-I need a class. We need a class.
-A parenting class?

-That's supposed to come natural.
That would be like taking a smelling class.

-So you have nothing to learn here?
-Come on.

-My mom and dad
never took a parenting class.

-I'm signing them up for this.

-So if you've ruled out any medical problem,
and your child is still wetting the bed...

-he may be trying to tell you something.

-He's telling you, 'I have to pee.'

-I think we're gonna wrap it up for tonight...

-but before we do,
are there any other questions?

-Yes, Debra.

-We have a 6-year-oId daughter,
and she's a great kid...

-but she's been having trouble listening,
and she's been very stubborn lately.

-That's every kid.
-It's not.

-It's just a phase, right?

-This is a perfect opportunity
for you to try some active listening.

-Thank you. We'll try that.
-Wait a second.

-So, active listening?
I'm not familiar with that.

-It's encouraging your child
to express herself verbally...

-without influencing her with your own
preconceived notions or opinions.

-Got it. Here we go.

-Why don't we try to illustrate this
with a little role-playing?

-Let's have you. Ray, is it?
-No.

-Yeah.

-Why don't you come
to the front of the class.

-Why don't you go, Deb?
-You'll be fine. Don't be shy.

-Now, Ray. Let's just say I'm your daughter...

-and I refuse to... to go to visit
grandma on her birthday.

-In this case, I happen to know Grandma,
and I can't say I blame you.

-Just hypothetically, Ray, all right? Focus.

-Let's just say, Ray, that you want to get
from your daughter what she's feeling.

-Go ahead.

-Do it.

-Okay, daughter.

-You have to go to Grandma's house.
-I'm not going.

-Well, you have to go. It's her birthday.

-I hate when you make me do things!

-It was not I making you go, okay?
It's Grandma's birthday.

-There aren't gonna be many more of them.

-I'm gonna stop you just for a second, Ray.

-You see, I don't think at this point,
we need to discuss Grandma's mortality.

-What are you doing, Ray?

-I'm playing the game.
-It's not a game.

-It's okay. It's okay.

-If I say to you,
'I hate when you make me do things'...

-perhaps you could acknowledge my feelings
by saying something like...

-'You feel you don't have any control
over our plans.'

-You understand?

-That doesn't sound like something
I would say.

-Just takes a little practice. Come on.
Let's keep going.

-Yeah, let's.

-All my friends are going to the park,
but I have to go to some boring party?

-You think that the party's gonna be boring?
-That's it, Ray.

-See, you're reflecting her feelings back.

-It's just a bunch of grownups
sitting around an old house.

-I want to be with my friends!

-But Grandma has that big bowl
of Coffee Nips.

-I don't care, and you can't make me.

-What are you doing?
-I'm not going.

-Please get up.
-Why do I have to go?

-I don't know.
-But why?

-Because I said so!

-That was big when I was a kid.

-Mommy said you gotta go.
-Leave Mommy out of it.

-Thank you.

-You better get up or...
-Or what?

-Or no more TV.
-No, Ray.

-Okay. Or you're going to boarding school.

-Do you always threaten?
-No.

-No, sometimes she yells.
-Oh, Ray.

-I'm sorry. We've run out of time.
Thank you all for coming.

-I'll see you next week.

-Ray and Debra, I'd like you
to stay after class, please.

-I think we need to talk.
-Nice going.

-What, my fault?
-You raised your hand.

-What are you doing?
-We've got homework to do.

-No. I'm not doing any stinking homework.

-You are the reason we got the homework.

-You're the brownnose
that had to ask a question.

-I'm trying to learn here, Ray.

-What am I supposed to do
with these exercises just by myself?

-Can you?

-No. You are gonna do them with me.

-Come on.
-Look, this time, you be the kid.

-It'll be less of a stretch.
-Okay, you think you can take me on?

-Okay, here. This is perfect.

-You're 12 years old,
and you refuse to shovel the snow...

-off the driveway.

-Ray, could you please shovel the driveway?

-No.

-Okay, I understand,
because shoveling the snow can be hard.

-Yes, so why did you ask?

-Because you're a member of this family
and we help each other.

-Yeah. Tough noogies.

-All right, time-out.
-What?

-Time-out!

-Are you being Ray, the little kid
or Ray, the big ass?

-I'd like to be both.

-Can we just do the exercise?
-Go ahead.

-Okay, I know that you feel
that making you shovel is unfair.

-Yes. I have to shovel the snow,
I have to take out the garbage...

-I have to load the dishwasher,
while you're up in bed...

-not sleeping with Daddy.

-Well, we all have chores we don't like to do.

-But in the future, Little Ray...

-if you feel that you have too much to do,
you just tell me...

-and I'll try to make things more even.
So how about that driveway?

-I'm too tired right now. I win.

-Ray, this isn't about winning or losing.

-You know who airways says that? The loser.

-I am just trying to do
this active listening stuff...

-and you are not playing right.

-You're gonna say that to your kid?

-It's obvious you're trying to screw it up.

-Well, I'm a real little kid.
-Yes, you are, and no TV.

-See?
-Come on.

-No TV. That's all.
-Yes.

-See, you couldn't do it, either.
-Yes, you are right.

-I just stink... I just stink at the whole thing.

-Come on. It'll be okay.

-Come on.

-I'll shovel the snow.

-It's not that. It's just that...

-when we got home tonight,
I tried this stuff on Ally...

-and it didn't work on her,
and it's not working on you, either.

-It's just not working.

-Come on. Don't worry. It'll be okay.

-It's all right.

-I'm flunking the class, Ray!

-You flunking haizi!

-Listen, don't worry about the class.
I told you we didn't need a class.

-The answer to how to stop plum throwing
is not in a workbook.

-This is a seat-of-the-pants operation here.

-What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna get Ally to behave?

-The crying is pretty good.

-Ray, get in on some of this.

-What's she doing,
just laying out a buffet now?

-This is supposed to be for the week.
-You'll cook some more.

-Go ahead, honey. You look hungry.

-I'll heat up the ziti.
-Listen, mom. When you were baby-sitting...

-did you change the twins' pajamas?
-Yeah. They're over here.

-I wanted to treat some of those old spots.
-We have a washing machine, Ma.

-Yeah, I know, but stubborn stains
need special care.

-Maybe you can take a class on that.

-I gotta go to grand parenting class at 3:00.

-Today we're learning 'got your nose'
and 'pull my finger.'

-Make sure you don't miss the seminar
on moving to Florida.

-Ma, get me the pajamas, please. And the ziti.

-Frank, what the hell is this?

-I'm not ready for ice cream yet.

-This is our tax refund check.
It was stuck to the bottom of the ice cream.

-You've been on my back for a month,
telling me that I lost it.

-I'm not the one who eats ice cream
in this house.

-You eat ice cream.
-Tofutti. I eat Tofutti.

-You tell your friends you eat Tofutti,
but you eat my ice cream.

-Take a look at the Tofutti.
There's not a dent in the Tofutti.

-If I do eat ice cream,
and I'm not saying that I do...

-I put it in a bowl like a person,
not on the table...

-where it gets stuck to an important check
that somebody accuses me of Losing.

-You know, in class, we were just doing this.

-Why can't you just admit this is your fault?
-Because I don't lose things, Frank.

-I'm organized.
-Not organized. Insane.

-She's got a shoebox labeled:
'Pieces of string too small to use.'

-That I should tie together into a noose.
-I got a beam all picked out!

-Yeah, I got a step stool for you.

-Wait. Just listen here for a second. Wait.

-So, Dad, you think Mom's being unfair?
-That's right.

-It's airways my fault
when she can't find something.

-Because I work like a dog
to keep this place straight...

-and he messes it up with all his projects.
-Ice cream's a project?

-You think Dad's being inconsiderate.

-Have you met your father?

-What about your consideration?
Do I ever get any thanks...

-for all the stuff I do around here?
-Like what?

-What is it you do?

-Didn't I fix the thing?
-That's true, Ma. He did.

-So Dad's feeling unappreciated.
-That's right.

-Come on. I don't appreciate you?

-How do I know?

-Yeah, evidently,
Dad isn't hearing 'thank you.'

-He wants 'thank you'?

-This isn't 'thank you'?

-I guess Mom's saying:
'Actions speak louder than words.'

-That's very good, Raymond.
-But sometimes we need to hear the words.

-Yeah. I need words.
-And I don't need words?

-I'm sorry the check
got stuck to the Chubby Hubby.

-You never said that before.
-No one's ever said that before.

-I appreciate you.
-Thanks.

-Holy crap. It works.

-The pot roast's ready.
-Great.

-I love your mother's pot roast.
-I'm gonna get an 'A' here.

-Careful, it's hot.

-How is it, chi-chi?

-Chi-chi like.

-What did you do?

-Debbie, you're not gonna believe this.
-Why did you do this, Ally?

-This is terrible.
-Oh, great.

-This is Michael's giraffe. He's crying now.
Why did you do this?

-'Cause.
-''Cause' is not an answer.

-Active Listening.
-Ray, that doesn't work.

-It works. I just used it
on the worst kids in the neighborhood.

-Look at this. Look what she did.
-Try it.

-No, Ray!
-Okay, you want me to do it?

-No, I'll do it.

-Okay. Ally, Let's talk about what you did.
-I don't wanna talk.

-Are you feeling angry?
-Reflect back.

-You're angry?
-Yes.

-Okay, but it's not okay to rip up toys
when we're angry.

-Judgmental.

-You are angry because....

-Because it used to be your toy.
-Yes.

-I don't like Michael and Geoffrey.
-I see, Isee

-You think that Mommy and Daddy
pay too much attention...

-to Michael and Geoffrey.
-Okay, I was handling this.

-They get everything.
-Right, and you're upset...

-because we gave them your old giraffe.
-I still liked it.

-But you weren't playing with it.
-That doesn't matter, though...

-because it was still yours, and you're mad...

-because we gave it to Michael
without asking you, right?

-Right.

-Well, mommy and daddy made a mistake,
and everybody makes mistakes.

-Right, Mommy?
-Yes.

-You feel better now, Ally?
-Yes. Can I have the giraffe?

-Well, it's broken, honey.
-I know.

-I wannna try to fix it for Michael.

-Here, sweetie.
-Thank you, daddy.

-See how I did that?
-Yeah. Can't believe it.

-It's pretty amazing. You did it.

-Anything else need taken care of
while I'm around here?

-No.
-What? What's the matter?

-Nothing with you, obviously.

-Don't go by me. I'm a natural.

-Don't worry. You'll get it.

-Don't act so proud of yourself.

-If I hadn't dragged you to that stupid class...

-you'd still be standing there going, 'No TV.'

-You're feeling inadequate
'cause I mastered it before you.

-Don't give me that active listening crap.

-Where do you get off listening to me?

-Never happen again.

-It's chickens eating chickens.
That's why it's funny.

-You got any Kleenex?
-Don't give him any.

-We got five boxes open over there.
-They're all halfway down.

-The tissues don't pop up anymore.

-You reach in,
your hand gets stuck in the box.

-Your hand gets stuck in the box
because you shove it in like an animal.

-Watch this. So, Ma,
you think Dad's being wasteful...

-and Dad, you think
Mom's being unreasonable.

-And a nag.

-A nag?

-You bitter, miserable man.

-Why do you think that is, Marie?

-I'm sleeping here tonight.
-Good!

-Nice job, Professor.

-No TV.