Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 12 - All I Want for Christmas - full transcript
On Christmas Day, Ray tries to have sex with Debra.
HOW ABOUT TOMORROW?
NO, TOMORROW'S NO GOOD.
I'LL BE CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING ALL DAY.
I'M GONNA BE EXHAUSTED.
WHAT ABOUT MONDAY?
NO, NO, MONDAY IS NO GOOD.
I'M INTERVIEWING PARCELLS
AFTER THE JETS-RAIDERS.
WELL, RAY, WHEN DO YOU WANT
TO MAKE THIS APPOINTMENT?
WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO
CANCELLED THE LAST 2 APPOINTMENTS.
DADDY, WHAT'S AN APPOINTMENT?
WELL, AN APPOINTMENT IS
WHEN 2 PEOPLE DECIDE TO MEET.
LIKE GOING TO THE DENTIST.
OH.
SO SLEEPING WITH ME IS
LIKE GOING TO THE DENTIST.
YOU BOTH SAY THE SAME THING:
"SIT BACK, RELAX, YOU
WON'T FEEL A THING."
HI, I'M RAY,
AND I LIVE HERE IN LONG
ISLAND WITH MY WIFE, DEBRA,
MY 6-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
AND TWIN 2-YEAR OLD BOYS.
WHEE!
MY PARENTS
LIVE ACROSS THE
STREET. THAT'S RIGHT.
AND MY BROTHER LIVES WITH THEM.
NOW, NOT EVERY FAMILY
WOULD DEFY GRAVITY FOR YOU,
BUT MINE WOULD BECAUSE...
EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.
HEY, YOU DIDN'T...
SAMMY!
OH,
NOT THE FLANNEL PAJAMAS.
WHAT?
WHAT THE...
WHEN... WHEN YOU COME TO
BED WEARING THAT SILKY THING,
I KNOW I HAVE A CHANCE,
BUT FLANNEL PAJAMAS...
YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE
WEARING A PORCUPINE SUIT.
I'M SO TIRED, RAY.
YES, BUT WE HAD AN APPOINTMENT.
HUH?
SEE THE ROCKET SHIP?
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST THAT I... I HAVE
BEEN CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ALL DAY,
AND THEN I... I JUST
GOT THE TWINS DOWN,
AND I'M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE IN THE MOOD.
I MEAN, JUST START AND
YOU CAN GET IN THE MOOD.
IT'S... IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
INVITED TO A PARTY
THAT YOU DON'T WANT
TO GO TO, SO YOU FIGURE:
"I'M JUST GONNA
STOP BY, SAY HELLO."
WHEN YOU GET THERE,
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW
YOU'RE SWINGING AT THE
PINATA, WEARING A HAT.
I'M NOT GOING TO THE PARTY, RAY.
YOU... YOU CAN'T JUST NOT GO.
AT LEAST SEND A GIFT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ALWAYS ME.
WHAT ABOUT LAST WEEK WHEN I
WAS IN THE MOOD AND YOU WEREN'T?
WHEN WAS THAT?
WEDNESDAY. YOU
WERE WATCHING T.V.,
I ASKED YOU TO
GIVE ME A BACK RUB.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU GAVE ME ONE
OF THESE ONE-HANDED DEALS.
WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU... YOU ASKED FOR A BACK RUB
AND THAT MEANS MR. SMITH
GOES TO WASHINGTON?
COME ON.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST SAY SOMETHING?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
"HEY, COME ON, YOU
WANT SOME? LET'S DO IT."
I WOULD LOVE IT IF
YOU TALKED LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
YOU STILL HAVE NO IDEA, DO YOU?
LOOK, I... I KNOW YOU
HAVE TO BE IN THE MOOD,
BUT CAN'T YOU, JUST THIS
ONCE, THINK LIKE A MAN?
I AM.
I'M COMPLETELY
DISREGARDING YOUR FEELINGS.
YOU TELL MR. SMITH THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAS TO
BE SO HARD, ANDY, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WE'RE
MARRIED FOR 8 YEARS.
IT SHOULD GET EASIER.
IT SHOULD BE, "YOU AWAKE?"
I'M THE WRONG GUY TO
TALK TO ABOUT WOMEN.
EVEN MY FANTASIES
JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS.
HI, GUYS.
HEY, ERIN.
HEY. HEY, ERIN, YOU'RE A WOMAN.
THANKS.
COME HERE. HAVE A SEAT.
WE GOT A QUESTION. WE GOTTA
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
OH, DON'T, ANDY.
NO, NO, IT'S OK, I'LL TALK
TO HIM. IT'S CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU, ERIN.
OUR QUESTION IS THIS:
WHY CAN'T I SCORE?
WHAT THE HELL'S WITH YOU PEOPLE?
WHY DO WOMEN LOOK AT ME LIKE
I'M SOME KIND OF HOMUNCULUS?
THIS IS THE BIG MYSTERY?
NO, RAY HAS A QUESTION.
GO AHEAD AND ASK HER
WHAT YOU WERE ASKING ME.
I WASN'T ASKING. I
WAS COMPLAINING.
GO AHEAD. NO, I DON'T WANT TO.
HOW COME YOU DON'T
LIKE IT AS MUCH AS WE DO?
WHO SAYS WE DON'T LIKE IT?
WELL, WE JUST... WE PREFER
TO BE IN THE MOOD FIRST.
OK, STOP RIGHT THERE. THE MOOD.
JUST GIVE ME
DIRECTIONS TO THE MOOD.
EXACTLY. AND KEEP IN MIND
THAT I LIVE FURTHER
AWAY THAN HE DOES.
ALL RIGHT. OH, YOU KNOW,
LISTEN, I CAN HELP YOU.
ALL YOU HAVE TO KNOW
IS THAT, FOR A WOMAN,
IT'S ALL ABOUT INTIMACY:
HOLDING HANDS, KISSING, TALKING.
RIGHT, I KNOW. I KNOW ALL THAT.
BUT LOOK, WHEN YOU'RE
MARRIED WITH 3 KIDS,
YOU GOT NO TIME FOR THAT.
YOU GOT SHORTCUTS?
I THOUGHT MARRIAGE
WAS A SHORTCUT.
YOU'VE ALREADY GOT
HER IN THE HOUSE...
NO, THERE ARE NO
SHORTCUTS. PUT IN THE TIME.
A WOMAN SAYS, "BEFORE
I SLEEP WITH YOU,
I WANT TO FEEL CLOSE TO YOU."
AND I SAY, "YOU WILL
FEEL VERY CLOSE TO ME
WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH ME."
THAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU THINK THAT THE
MUSHY STUFF IS OVER AT THE WEDDING.
WELL, WE STILL WANT
THE MUSHY STUFF.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRY A LITTLE, HUH?
WELL, I'M TRYING.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
SOME CARING, SOME CONSIDERATION.
DID YOU EVER TRY BEING CREATIVE?
GOD, LOOK AT YOU!
TUCK IN YOUR SHIRTS.
OK, THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.
HEY, THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. YOU
ASKED MY ADVICE AS A WOMAN.
YOU GOT TO TRY HARDER.
HEY. HEY, ERIN.
ERIN.
COME ON. CHECK IT OUT, HUH?
VERY NICE. WE'RE
STILL JUST FRIENDS.
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT ♪
WHAT IS THIS?
THAT'S JUST AN EARLY
CHRISTMAS PRESENT
FOR A GOOD LITTLE GIRL.
OH.
THAT'S SWEET.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S... IT'S MAGIC HANDS.
I... I THOUGHT I'D GET YOU THIS,
NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT
"RUB YOUR BACK" MEANS.
ISN'T THAT CONSIDERATE?
BOY, RAY, YOU ARE
JUST SO TRANSPARENT...
OOH! OH!
OH. YEAH.
THAT'S... THAT'S NOT BAD.
YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
YEAH.
I TRIED IT.
OH.
THAT'S GOOD. OOH, RIGHT THERE.
THERE, HUH? OK.
OH.
OH, YES.
OH, YES.
YES, RAYMOND.
RAYMOND.
YOU JUST CALLED ME RAYMOND.
WELL, THIS IS ABOUT TO
BE A SPECIAL OCCASION.
HA!
OW, OW! ALL RIGHT.
RAY, IT'S CAUGHT IN MY HAIR.
EASY. DON'T PULL.
WHAT ARE YOU PULLING?
DON'T PULL IT!
STOP MOVING.
I CAN'T GET IT OUT
IF YOU'RE MOVING.
YOU TURN THAT THING OFF!
STOP MOVING! I'M STILL ATTACHED.
I'M STILL ATTACHED.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE PULLING ON MY HAIR.
IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, THOUGH.
♪ ON A COLD AND
GRAY CHICAGO MORN ♪
♪ AND ANOTHER BABY CHILD
IS BORN IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ AND HIS MAMA CRIES ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S ONE
THING THAT SHE DON'T NEED ♪
♪ IT'S ANOTHER HUNGRY
LITTLE MOUTH TO FEED ♪
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ PEOPLE, DON'T
YOU COME AND SEE ♪
HEY.
HI. HI.
WHAT?
NOTHING. I JUST
GOT A LITTLE SHIVER.
WANT ME TO... WANT ME
TO TURN UP THE HEAT?
NOT THAT KIND OF SHIVER.
YOU GAVE ME A SHIVER.
ME? YEAH.
YOU JUST LOOK KIND OF SEXY.
WHAT? YEAH.
YOU KNOW, WITH
THE SWEEPER, AND...
SWEEPING? YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT DOES IT FOR YOU?
NO, BUT, YOU KNOW,
JUST... I DON'T KNOW,
WATCHING YOU PLAY WITH
THE KIDS THIS MORNING,
AND THEN, YOU KNOW, WEARING THESE
SILLY BOXERS THAT THEY GAVE YOU...
I DON'T KNOW,
JUST THE FACT THAT
YOU'RE MY HUSBAND,
AND YOU TAKE CARE OF
US, AND THE WHOLE PICTURE.
SWEEPING JUST
PUT IT OVER THE TOP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME HERE?
WHAT? YOU'RE KILLIN' ME!
I WANTED TO LET YOU
KNOW HOW I WAS FEELING.
YOU CAN'T KISS ME LIKE
THAT. IT'S CHRISTMAS.
ALLY'S UP. MY PARENTS
ARE COMING OVER NOW.
I'M SORRY.
YOU'VE ACTIVATED THE
LAUNCH SEQUENCE NOW.
WHAT?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HEY.
NICE.
WE USUALLY HANG
OURS ON THE DOOR.
YOU MADE ME WEAR
THIS DUMB SWEATER.
RAY'S NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS.
I GUESS I'LL GO, UH,
I'LL GO PUT CLOTHES ON.
YEAH, I'LL STIR MY EGGS. YEAH.
NO, NO, NO, KEEP THAT ON.
THAT'S YOUR CHRISTMAS SWEATER.
IT'S THE SWEATER
OR THE PANTS, MARIE.
SOMETHING'S COMING OFF.
LOOK AT THIS. MY K9 KRINGLE
POLICE DOG ORNAMENT
BURIED AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE TREE.
THAT'S TYPICAL.
NO, NO, NO, NO, DON'T PUT IT.
IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD. IT
LOOKS TERRIBLE UP THERE.
WHY?
BECAUSE OF THE 2
WOODEN ORNAMENTS.
YOU GOTTA HAVE
SOMETHING SHINY IN BETWEEN.
WHO GIVES A FLYING SQUIRREL
ABOUT THE ORNAMENTS?
THE LIGHTS ARE ALL WRONG.
FORGET THE LIGHTS.
LOOK AT THESE GARLANDS.
YOU CAN'T JUST THROW THEM ON
THERE. YOU'VE GOT TO DRAPE THEM.
I PAID $15 FOR THIS ORNAMENT.
THEY TOLD ME THEY LOVED IT.
LOOK OUT.
YOU LOOK OUT.
OK, I'M PUTTING K9
KRINGLE RIGHT HERE.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S WORSE UP THERE.
MARIE, WILL YOU
GET OUT OF THE WAY?
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU
AND YOUR STUPID LIGHTS.
DIDN'T THAT FIRE TEACH
YOU A LESSON, YOU MANIAC?
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.
STICK YOUR TOE IN THE WATER
AND TWIST THIS BULB RIGHT HERE.
IT'D BE WORTH IT TO
GET AWAY FROM YOU.
WILL YOU STOP? YOU'RE
KILLING CHRISTMAS!
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT DID YOU DO?
NOTHING.
HI, GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, KIDS.
YOU JUST HATE ANYTHING
BIGGER THAN YOU, DON'T YOU?
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
OH, RAY, LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOUR BUTTONS ARE ALL OFF.
OH, GOD.
OH, YOU SMELL GOOD.
I NEED YOU, RAYMOND.
WE WANT TO OPEN OUR PRESENTS.
HERE, DEAR. FROM ME TO YOU.
OH, THANK YOU, MARIE.
AND, RAYMOND, I
GOT YOU SOMETHING.
OH, I GOT YOU
SOMETHING, TOO. HOLD ON.
OH, IT'S A HOUSECOAT.
I NOTICED YOU DIDN'T HAVE ONE.
IT'S JUST LIKE MINE.
OH, SO WE COULD BE TWINS.
HOLD IT UP.
WOW, ROBERT.
YEP, A REMOTE-CONTROLLED
REPLICA OF A VINTAGE P-51 "D" MUSTANG
FLOWN BY CHUCK
YEAGER, COMPLETE WITH
A FULLY OPERATIONAL
SLIDE-AWAY CANOPY.
HEY, GOLF BALLS.
YEAH, WELL, YOU
KNOW, I... I WANTED TO...
NO, NO, NO, THESE ARE
VERY GOOD GOLF BALLS.
YEAH, AND THERE'S 3 OF 'EM.
HOLD THEM UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU KEEP THE...
THE PLANE OVER AT YOUR HOUSE
'CAUSE IT'LL PROBABLY
BE SAFER THERE. YEAH.
ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH, YOU CAN USE IT
WHENEVER YOU WANT. YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, GREAT.
THANK YOU, RAYMOND.
A-A-AND HERE, KEEP
THESE GOLF BALLS.
AND YOU CAN USE THEM
WHENEVER YOU WANT.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY,
AND IT IS SO YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, RAY?
I JUST GOT A SHIVER.
DEBRA, THE EGGS FLORENTINE,
EGGS-TRAORDINARY.
OH, YES, DEAR. YOU'RE
REALLY COMING ALONG.
THANK YOU, MARIE.
I'M JUST GLAD THAT
YOU COULD COME ALONG.
I'M STUFFED. LET'S
WATCH FOOTBALL.
WAIT, DAD, HOW ABOUT
YOU AND I CLEAR THE TABLE?
WHAT?
YEAH, YEAH, LET'S GIVE DEBRA
THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.
NO, NO, NO, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
DEBRA AND I CAN HANDLE IT.
NO, NO. YEAH,
THEY CAN HANDLE IT.
COME ON, COME ON, I THINK
WE SHOULD DO IT. COME ON.
AH, THANK YOU, RAYMOND.
WHAT IN HELL'S MANGER
IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I JUST WANT TO GIVE
THE LADIES A BREAK,
YOU KNOW? DO
SOMETHING FOR DEBRA.
WHY?
HEY, LISTEN, YOU KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING?
MAYBE YOU AND MOM WANT TO
TAKE THE KIDS THIS AFTERNOON
TO, UH,
YOUR HOUSE.
WHY?
AGAIN, THE DEBRA
THING, YOU KNOW?
AND BESIDES, THEY'RE YOUR
GRANDCHILDREN, AND YOU LOVE THEM,
AND YOU WANT TO SPEND
TIME WITH THEM ON CHRISTMAS,
LIKE PEOPLE.
I'M SPENDING TIME
WITH THEM HERE,
AND THEY'RE NOT
BREAKING MY STUFF.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
IT'LL JUST, UH, YOU KNOW, IT'LL GIVE
DEBRA AND ME A CHANCE TO RELAX.
RELAX? WHY DO YOU WANT TO RELAX?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OH.
WHAT?
RELAX.
WHAT?
I READ YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.
TIME FOR A LITTLE
NOOKIE, EH, SAILOR?
NO.
NO, NO.
ON CHRISTMAS DAY YET.
COME ON, DAD.
WELL, WELL, WELL, THE NUT
DOES NOT FALL FAR FROM THE TREE.
I REMEMBER, ONE EASTER,
YOUR MOTHER AND I...
DAD, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY ABOUT
A THING, SON. I'M ON THE CASE.
MARIE!
LET'S GO, MARIE. DAD, WAIT.
PACK UP YOUR STUFF
AND GRAB THE KIDS.
I... I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS.
WHY? WHY ARE WE LEAVING?
RAY AND DEBRA WANT TO RELAX.
RAY.
OH, DAD, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS. COME ON.
WHY... WHY DO
THEY HAVE TO RELAX?
THEY'RE YOUNG, THEY'RE IN LOVE.
YOU GOTTA BE HIT OVER
THE HEAD WITH A MALLET?
FIGURE IT OUT.
OH, MY GOD!
RAYMOND, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY.
THE BABY JESUS WAS JUST BORN.
OK, I FOUND THE BATTERIES.
WE ARE CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF.
SO IS MY BOY.
EVERYBODY, GRAB
YOUR COATS. CHOP, CHOP.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING. NOTHING'S GOING
ON. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.
COME ON, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
OH, I UNDERSTAND IT
ALL TOO WELL, RAYMOND.
IN MY DAY, THERE WAS A LITTLE
SOMETHING CALLED SELF-CONTROL.
NOT ON EASTER, 1962.
OH, SHUSH!
ENJOY YOURSELVES, KIDS.
AND FLASH THE LIGHTS
WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
WE'LL COME BACK OVER.
SO,
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I THINK THE MOMENT
HAS PASSED, RAY.
OK, THAT MOMENT HAS.
BUT LOOK, HERE COMES ANOTHER.
HEY.
NO, I... I WISH I WAS IN
THE MOOD, I REALLY DO.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T WANT
ME TO FAKE IT, WOULD YOU?
I'M EASY TO FOOL.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU STILL WANT TO
AFTER THAT ATROCITY DOWNSTAIRS.
LOOK, I DON'T, I DON'T.
I THOUGHT I DID. I
WANTED TO GIVE IT A TRY,
BUT WHO AM I KIDDING?
I'M SORRY, RAY.
OK, I'M BACK.
OH, WHAT?
I... I... I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S
GONNA HAPPEN, YOU KNOW.
IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S NOT YOU, RAY.
OH, IT'S... IT'S
THEM. IT'S THEM.
IT'S... OH!
THEM! THEM!
WELL, DON'T DO THAT.
DON'T LET THEM RUIN IT.
RIGHT. COME ON, I'LL PUT ON THE
SANTA SHORTS AND THE... THE SWEEPER.
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
COME ON, TRY. JUST TRY A LITTLE.
YOU YELLING AT ME
ISN'T GONNA WORK.
OK, ALL RIGHT.
SO THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT MIGHT WORK.
ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT YELLING
NOW. WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE
TRY TALKING TO ME, OK?
TALK TO ME. I'M TALK...
WHAT AM I DOING
HERE? I'M TALKING.
NO, SOMETHING NICE,
SOMETHING ROMANTIC.
OH, UH...
YOU...
I THINK YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH,
AND I WILL KNOW THAT
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE.
FOREVER.
YOU'RE SO PATHETIC.
NO, I MEAN IT IN A GOOD WAY.
YEAH. I'M SICK OF JUMPING
THROUGH HOOPS, ALL RIGHT?
I HAVE MY PRIDE!
GET BACK HERE NOW, RAYMOND.
RAYMOND?
YOU HEARD ME.
YOU JUST CALLED ME PATHETIC.
YES, BUT YOU'RE NEVER MORE SEXY
THAN WHEN YOU'RE PATHETIC.
THE MOOD HAS BEEN HIDING
RIGHT BEHIND PATHETIC.
THAT'S...
THAT IS BRILLIANT.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT TO LOOK THERE.
I'M OK. I'M OK.
WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
I DON'T CARE.
I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE'LL
KEEP THE PLANE OVER HERE.
HEY, DEB.
HEY, RAY. WHAT'S UP?
GIVE ME CHANGE OF $1. ALL RIGHT.
HI, ERIN. HOW YOU DOING?
HEY. I'M FINE.
GOOD. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
YOU WERE RIGHT,
RAY. GO PATHETIC.
DON'T ABUSE IT.
NO, TOMORROW'S NO GOOD.
I'LL BE CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING ALL DAY.
I'M GONNA BE EXHAUSTED.
WHAT ABOUT MONDAY?
NO, NO, MONDAY IS NO GOOD.
I'M INTERVIEWING PARCELLS
AFTER THE JETS-RAIDERS.
WELL, RAY, WHEN DO YOU WANT
TO MAKE THIS APPOINTMENT?
WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO
CANCELLED THE LAST 2 APPOINTMENTS.
DADDY, WHAT'S AN APPOINTMENT?
WELL, AN APPOINTMENT IS
WHEN 2 PEOPLE DECIDE TO MEET.
LIKE GOING TO THE DENTIST.
OH.
SO SLEEPING WITH ME IS
LIKE GOING TO THE DENTIST.
YOU BOTH SAY THE SAME THING:
"SIT BACK, RELAX, YOU
WON'T FEEL A THING."
HI, I'M RAY,
AND I LIVE HERE IN LONG
ISLAND WITH MY WIFE, DEBRA,
MY 6-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
AND TWIN 2-YEAR OLD BOYS.
WHEE!
MY PARENTS
LIVE ACROSS THE
STREET. THAT'S RIGHT.
AND MY BROTHER LIVES WITH THEM.
NOW, NOT EVERY FAMILY
WOULD DEFY GRAVITY FOR YOU,
BUT MINE WOULD BECAUSE...
EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.
HEY, YOU DIDN'T...
SAMMY!
OH,
NOT THE FLANNEL PAJAMAS.
WHAT?
WHAT THE...
WHEN... WHEN YOU COME TO
BED WEARING THAT SILKY THING,
I KNOW I HAVE A CHANCE,
BUT FLANNEL PAJAMAS...
YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE
WEARING A PORCUPINE SUIT.
I'M SO TIRED, RAY.
YES, BUT WE HAD AN APPOINTMENT.
HUH?
SEE THE ROCKET SHIP?
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST THAT I... I HAVE
BEEN CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ALL DAY,
AND THEN I... I JUST
GOT THE TWINS DOWN,
AND I'M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE IN THE MOOD.
I MEAN, JUST START AND
YOU CAN GET IN THE MOOD.
IT'S... IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
INVITED TO A PARTY
THAT YOU DON'T WANT
TO GO TO, SO YOU FIGURE:
"I'M JUST GONNA
STOP BY, SAY HELLO."
WHEN YOU GET THERE,
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW
YOU'RE SWINGING AT THE
PINATA, WEARING A HAT.
I'M NOT GOING TO THE PARTY, RAY.
YOU... YOU CAN'T JUST NOT GO.
AT LEAST SEND A GIFT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ALWAYS ME.
WHAT ABOUT LAST WEEK WHEN I
WAS IN THE MOOD AND YOU WEREN'T?
WHEN WAS THAT?
WEDNESDAY. YOU
WERE WATCHING T.V.,
I ASKED YOU TO
GIVE ME A BACK RUB.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU GAVE ME ONE
OF THESE ONE-HANDED DEALS.
WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU... YOU ASKED FOR A BACK RUB
AND THAT MEANS MR. SMITH
GOES TO WASHINGTON?
COME ON.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST SAY SOMETHING?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
"HEY, COME ON, YOU
WANT SOME? LET'S DO IT."
I WOULD LOVE IT IF
YOU TALKED LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
YOU STILL HAVE NO IDEA, DO YOU?
LOOK, I... I KNOW YOU
HAVE TO BE IN THE MOOD,
BUT CAN'T YOU, JUST THIS
ONCE, THINK LIKE A MAN?
I AM.
I'M COMPLETELY
DISREGARDING YOUR FEELINGS.
YOU TELL MR. SMITH THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAS TO
BE SO HARD, ANDY, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WE'RE
MARRIED FOR 8 YEARS.
IT SHOULD GET EASIER.
IT SHOULD BE, "YOU AWAKE?"
I'M THE WRONG GUY TO
TALK TO ABOUT WOMEN.
EVEN MY FANTASIES
JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS.
HI, GUYS.
HEY, ERIN.
HEY. HEY, ERIN, YOU'RE A WOMAN.
THANKS.
COME HERE. HAVE A SEAT.
WE GOT A QUESTION. WE GOTTA
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
OH, DON'T, ANDY.
NO, NO, IT'S OK, I'LL TALK
TO HIM. IT'S CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU, ERIN.
OUR QUESTION IS THIS:
WHY CAN'T I SCORE?
WHAT THE HELL'S WITH YOU PEOPLE?
WHY DO WOMEN LOOK AT ME LIKE
I'M SOME KIND OF HOMUNCULUS?
THIS IS THE BIG MYSTERY?
NO, RAY HAS A QUESTION.
GO AHEAD AND ASK HER
WHAT YOU WERE ASKING ME.
I WASN'T ASKING. I
WAS COMPLAINING.
GO AHEAD. NO, I DON'T WANT TO.
HOW COME YOU DON'T
LIKE IT AS MUCH AS WE DO?
WHO SAYS WE DON'T LIKE IT?
WELL, WE JUST... WE PREFER
TO BE IN THE MOOD FIRST.
OK, STOP RIGHT THERE. THE MOOD.
JUST GIVE ME
DIRECTIONS TO THE MOOD.
EXACTLY. AND KEEP IN MIND
THAT I LIVE FURTHER
AWAY THAN HE DOES.
ALL RIGHT. OH, YOU KNOW,
LISTEN, I CAN HELP YOU.
ALL YOU HAVE TO KNOW
IS THAT, FOR A WOMAN,
IT'S ALL ABOUT INTIMACY:
HOLDING HANDS, KISSING, TALKING.
RIGHT, I KNOW. I KNOW ALL THAT.
BUT LOOK, WHEN YOU'RE
MARRIED WITH 3 KIDS,
YOU GOT NO TIME FOR THAT.
YOU GOT SHORTCUTS?
I THOUGHT MARRIAGE
WAS A SHORTCUT.
YOU'VE ALREADY GOT
HER IN THE HOUSE...
NO, THERE ARE NO
SHORTCUTS. PUT IN THE TIME.
A WOMAN SAYS, "BEFORE
I SLEEP WITH YOU,
I WANT TO FEEL CLOSE TO YOU."
AND I SAY, "YOU WILL
FEEL VERY CLOSE TO ME
WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH ME."
THAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU THINK THAT THE
MUSHY STUFF IS OVER AT THE WEDDING.
WELL, WE STILL WANT
THE MUSHY STUFF.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRY A LITTLE, HUH?
WELL, I'M TRYING.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
SOME CARING, SOME CONSIDERATION.
DID YOU EVER TRY BEING CREATIVE?
GOD, LOOK AT YOU!
TUCK IN YOUR SHIRTS.
OK, THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.
HEY, THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. YOU
ASKED MY ADVICE AS A WOMAN.
YOU GOT TO TRY HARDER.
HEY. HEY, ERIN.
ERIN.
COME ON. CHECK IT OUT, HUH?
VERY NICE. WE'RE
STILL JUST FRIENDS.
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT ♪
WHAT IS THIS?
THAT'S JUST AN EARLY
CHRISTMAS PRESENT
FOR A GOOD LITTLE GIRL.
OH.
THAT'S SWEET.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S... IT'S MAGIC HANDS.
I... I THOUGHT I'D GET YOU THIS,
NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT
"RUB YOUR BACK" MEANS.
ISN'T THAT CONSIDERATE?
BOY, RAY, YOU ARE
JUST SO TRANSPARENT...
OOH! OH!
OH. YEAH.
THAT'S... THAT'S NOT BAD.
YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
YEAH.
I TRIED IT.
OH.
THAT'S GOOD. OOH, RIGHT THERE.
THERE, HUH? OK.
OH.
OH, YES.
OH, YES.
YES, RAYMOND.
RAYMOND.
YOU JUST CALLED ME RAYMOND.
WELL, THIS IS ABOUT TO
BE A SPECIAL OCCASION.
HA!
OW, OW! ALL RIGHT.
RAY, IT'S CAUGHT IN MY HAIR.
EASY. DON'T PULL.
WHAT ARE YOU PULLING?
DON'T PULL IT!
STOP MOVING.
I CAN'T GET IT OUT
IF YOU'RE MOVING.
YOU TURN THAT THING OFF!
STOP MOVING! I'M STILL ATTACHED.
I'M STILL ATTACHED.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE PULLING ON MY HAIR.
IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, THOUGH.
♪ ON A COLD AND
GRAY CHICAGO MORN ♪
♪ AND ANOTHER BABY CHILD
IS BORN IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ AND HIS MAMA CRIES ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S ONE
THING THAT SHE DON'T NEED ♪
♪ IT'S ANOTHER HUNGRY
LITTLE MOUTH TO FEED ♪
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ PEOPLE, DON'T
YOU COME AND SEE ♪
HEY.
HI. HI.
WHAT?
NOTHING. I JUST
GOT A LITTLE SHIVER.
WANT ME TO... WANT ME
TO TURN UP THE HEAT?
NOT THAT KIND OF SHIVER.
YOU GAVE ME A SHIVER.
ME? YEAH.
YOU JUST LOOK KIND OF SEXY.
WHAT? YEAH.
YOU KNOW, WITH
THE SWEEPER, AND...
SWEEPING? YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT DOES IT FOR YOU?
NO, BUT, YOU KNOW,
JUST... I DON'T KNOW,
WATCHING YOU PLAY WITH
THE KIDS THIS MORNING,
AND THEN, YOU KNOW, WEARING THESE
SILLY BOXERS THAT THEY GAVE YOU...
I DON'T KNOW,
JUST THE FACT THAT
YOU'RE MY HUSBAND,
AND YOU TAKE CARE OF
US, AND THE WHOLE PICTURE.
SWEEPING JUST
PUT IT OVER THE TOP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME HERE?
WHAT? YOU'RE KILLIN' ME!
I WANTED TO LET YOU
KNOW HOW I WAS FEELING.
YOU CAN'T KISS ME LIKE
THAT. IT'S CHRISTMAS.
ALLY'S UP. MY PARENTS
ARE COMING OVER NOW.
I'M SORRY.
YOU'VE ACTIVATED THE
LAUNCH SEQUENCE NOW.
WHAT?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HEY.
NICE.
WE USUALLY HANG
OURS ON THE DOOR.
YOU MADE ME WEAR
THIS DUMB SWEATER.
RAY'S NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS.
I GUESS I'LL GO, UH,
I'LL GO PUT CLOTHES ON.
YEAH, I'LL STIR MY EGGS. YEAH.
NO, NO, NO, KEEP THAT ON.
THAT'S YOUR CHRISTMAS SWEATER.
IT'S THE SWEATER
OR THE PANTS, MARIE.
SOMETHING'S COMING OFF.
LOOK AT THIS. MY K9 KRINGLE
POLICE DOG ORNAMENT
BURIED AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE TREE.
THAT'S TYPICAL.
NO, NO, NO, NO, DON'T PUT IT.
IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD. IT
LOOKS TERRIBLE UP THERE.
WHY?
BECAUSE OF THE 2
WOODEN ORNAMENTS.
YOU GOTTA HAVE
SOMETHING SHINY IN BETWEEN.
WHO GIVES A FLYING SQUIRREL
ABOUT THE ORNAMENTS?
THE LIGHTS ARE ALL WRONG.
FORGET THE LIGHTS.
LOOK AT THESE GARLANDS.
YOU CAN'T JUST THROW THEM ON
THERE. YOU'VE GOT TO DRAPE THEM.
I PAID $15 FOR THIS ORNAMENT.
THEY TOLD ME THEY LOVED IT.
LOOK OUT.
YOU LOOK OUT.
OK, I'M PUTTING K9
KRINGLE RIGHT HERE.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S WORSE UP THERE.
MARIE, WILL YOU
GET OUT OF THE WAY?
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU
AND YOUR STUPID LIGHTS.
DIDN'T THAT FIRE TEACH
YOU A LESSON, YOU MANIAC?
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.
STICK YOUR TOE IN THE WATER
AND TWIST THIS BULB RIGHT HERE.
IT'D BE WORTH IT TO
GET AWAY FROM YOU.
WILL YOU STOP? YOU'RE
KILLING CHRISTMAS!
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT DID YOU DO?
NOTHING.
HI, GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, KIDS.
YOU JUST HATE ANYTHING
BIGGER THAN YOU, DON'T YOU?
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
OH, RAY, LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOUR BUTTONS ARE ALL OFF.
OH, GOD.
OH, YOU SMELL GOOD.
I NEED YOU, RAYMOND.
WE WANT TO OPEN OUR PRESENTS.
HERE, DEAR. FROM ME TO YOU.
OH, THANK YOU, MARIE.
AND, RAYMOND, I
GOT YOU SOMETHING.
OH, I GOT YOU
SOMETHING, TOO. HOLD ON.
OH, IT'S A HOUSECOAT.
I NOTICED YOU DIDN'T HAVE ONE.
IT'S JUST LIKE MINE.
OH, SO WE COULD BE TWINS.
HOLD IT UP.
WOW, ROBERT.
YEP, A REMOTE-CONTROLLED
REPLICA OF A VINTAGE P-51 "D" MUSTANG
FLOWN BY CHUCK
YEAGER, COMPLETE WITH
A FULLY OPERATIONAL
SLIDE-AWAY CANOPY.
HEY, GOLF BALLS.
YEAH, WELL, YOU
KNOW, I... I WANTED TO...
NO, NO, NO, THESE ARE
VERY GOOD GOLF BALLS.
YEAH, AND THERE'S 3 OF 'EM.
HOLD THEM UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU KEEP THE...
THE PLANE OVER AT YOUR HOUSE
'CAUSE IT'LL PROBABLY
BE SAFER THERE. YEAH.
ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH, YOU CAN USE IT
WHENEVER YOU WANT. YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, GREAT.
THANK YOU, RAYMOND.
A-A-AND HERE, KEEP
THESE GOLF BALLS.
AND YOU CAN USE THEM
WHENEVER YOU WANT.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY,
AND IT IS SO YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, RAY?
I JUST GOT A SHIVER.
DEBRA, THE EGGS FLORENTINE,
EGGS-TRAORDINARY.
OH, YES, DEAR. YOU'RE
REALLY COMING ALONG.
THANK YOU, MARIE.
I'M JUST GLAD THAT
YOU COULD COME ALONG.
I'M STUFFED. LET'S
WATCH FOOTBALL.
WAIT, DAD, HOW ABOUT
YOU AND I CLEAR THE TABLE?
WHAT?
YEAH, YEAH, LET'S GIVE DEBRA
THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.
NO, NO, NO, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
DEBRA AND I CAN HANDLE IT.
NO, NO. YEAH,
THEY CAN HANDLE IT.
COME ON, COME ON, I THINK
WE SHOULD DO IT. COME ON.
AH, THANK YOU, RAYMOND.
WHAT IN HELL'S MANGER
IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I JUST WANT TO GIVE
THE LADIES A BREAK,
YOU KNOW? DO
SOMETHING FOR DEBRA.
WHY?
HEY, LISTEN, YOU KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING?
MAYBE YOU AND MOM WANT TO
TAKE THE KIDS THIS AFTERNOON
TO, UH,
YOUR HOUSE.
WHY?
AGAIN, THE DEBRA
THING, YOU KNOW?
AND BESIDES, THEY'RE YOUR
GRANDCHILDREN, AND YOU LOVE THEM,
AND YOU WANT TO SPEND
TIME WITH THEM ON CHRISTMAS,
LIKE PEOPLE.
I'M SPENDING TIME
WITH THEM HERE,
AND THEY'RE NOT
BREAKING MY STUFF.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
IT'LL JUST, UH, YOU KNOW, IT'LL GIVE
DEBRA AND ME A CHANCE TO RELAX.
RELAX? WHY DO YOU WANT TO RELAX?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OH.
WHAT?
RELAX.
WHAT?
I READ YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.
TIME FOR A LITTLE
NOOKIE, EH, SAILOR?
NO.
NO, NO.
ON CHRISTMAS DAY YET.
COME ON, DAD.
WELL, WELL, WELL, THE NUT
DOES NOT FALL FAR FROM THE TREE.
I REMEMBER, ONE EASTER,
YOUR MOTHER AND I...
DAD, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY ABOUT
A THING, SON. I'M ON THE CASE.
MARIE!
LET'S GO, MARIE. DAD, WAIT.
PACK UP YOUR STUFF
AND GRAB THE KIDS.
I... I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS.
WHY? WHY ARE WE LEAVING?
RAY AND DEBRA WANT TO RELAX.
RAY.
OH, DAD, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS. COME ON.
WHY... WHY DO
THEY HAVE TO RELAX?
THEY'RE YOUNG, THEY'RE IN LOVE.
YOU GOTTA BE HIT OVER
THE HEAD WITH A MALLET?
FIGURE IT OUT.
OH, MY GOD!
RAYMOND, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY.
THE BABY JESUS WAS JUST BORN.
OK, I FOUND THE BATTERIES.
WE ARE CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF.
SO IS MY BOY.
EVERYBODY, GRAB
YOUR COATS. CHOP, CHOP.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING. NOTHING'S GOING
ON. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.
COME ON, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
OH, I UNDERSTAND IT
ALL TOO WELL, RAYMOND.
IN MY DAY, THERE WAS A LITTLE
SOMETHING CALLED SELF-CONTROL.
NOT ON EASTER, 1962.
OH, SHUSH!
ENJOY YOURSELVES, KIDS.
AND FLASH THE LIGHTS
WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
WE'LL COME BACK OVER.
SO,
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I THINK THE MOMENT
HAS PASSED, RAY.
OK, THAT MOMENT HAS.
BUT LOOK, HERE COMES ANOTHER.
HEY.
NO, I... I WISH I WAS IN
THE MOOD, I REALLY DO.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T WANT
ME TO FAKE IT, WOULD YOU?
I'M EASY TO FOOL.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU STILL WANT TO
AFTER THAT ATROCITY DOWNSTAIRS.
LOOK, I DON'T, I DON'T.
I THOUGHT I DID. I
WANTED TO GIVE IT A TRY,
BUT WHO AM I KIDDING?
I'M SORRY, RAY.
OK, I'M BACK.
OH, WHAT?
I... I... I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S
GONNA HAPPEN, YOU KNOW.
IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S NOT YOU, RAY.
OH, IT'S... IT'S
THEM. IT'S THEM.
IT'S... OH!
THEM! THEM!
WELL, DON'T DO THAT.
DON'T LET THEM RUIN IT.
RIGHT. COME ON, I'LL PUT ON THE
SANTA SHORTS AND THE... THE SWEEPER.
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
♪ IN THE GHETTO ♪
COME ON, TRY. JUST TRY A LITTLE.
YOU YELLING AT ME
ISN'T GONNA WORK.
OK, ALL RIGHT.
SO THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT MIGHT WORK.
ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT YELLING
NOW. WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE
TRY TALKING TO ME, OK?
TALK TO ME. I'M TALK...
WHAT AM I DOING
HERE? I'M TALKING.
NO, SOMETHING NICE,
SOMETHING ROMANTIC.
OH, UH...
YOU...
I THINK YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH,
AND I WILL KNOW THAT
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE.
FOREVER.
YOU'RE SO PATHETIC.
NO, I MEAN IT IN A GOOD WAY.
YEAH. I'M SICK OF JUMPING
THROUGH HOOPS, ALL RIGHT?
I HAVE MY PRIDE!
GET BACK HERE NOW, RAYMOND.
RAYMOND?
YOU HEARD ME.
YOU JUST CALLED ME PATHETIC.
YES, BUT YOU'RE NEVER MORE SEXY
THAN WHEN YOU'RE PATHETIC.
THE MOOD HAS BEEN HIDING
RIGHT BEHIND PATHETIC.
THAT'S...
THAT IS BRILLIANT.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT TO LOOK THERE.
I'M OK. I'M OK.
WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
I DON'T CARE.
I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE'LL
KEEP THE PLANE OVER HERE.
HEY, DEB.
HEY, RAY. WHAT'S UP?
GIVE ME CHANGE OF $1. ALL RIGHT.
HI, ERIN. HOW YOU DOING?
HEY. I'M FINE.
GOOD. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
YOU WERE RIGHT,
RAY. GO PATHETIC.
DON'T ABUSE IT.