Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 3 - Everybody Hates Driving - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #047
CLOSED CAPTIONED

("Freeway of Love"
by Aretha Franklin playing)

CHRIS ROCK:
From the time I was young,

the thing I dreamt
most about was cars.

Even though I couldn't drive,

I always imagined what kind
of car I would get if I could.

Drew and I used
to pretend every car

that came down the street
was ours.

My red.

Oh, that's my green.

Mine.



(siren wailing)

* Freeway of love...

Nah, you can
have that one.

(scoffs)

When I got older, I was always
asking my dad to let me drive.

Hey, Dad, can I drive?

And he always said
the same thing.

Drive?

Sure, you can drive...
as soon as you turn 16,

go to driver's ed.,
get a driver's license,

graduate from
high school,

get a job, get out of my house,
get a car, get insurance.

Yeah, then you can drive
anytime you want.

He could have just said no.



* In my pink Cadillac...

Hey, Dad.

It's street cleaning today.

I hate having
to move this car all the time.

Even though he always said no,
I had to ask.

Can I do it?

No, you don't know how
to drive, Chris.

Yeah, I do.
You know how to drive?

Yeah.
Okay, let's see.

Having a steering wheel
in my hand

was one of the most amazing
feelings I had ever had,

right behind my first kiss,
which hadn't happened yet.

Okay, now put the car
in "R."

I got it.

Okay.

* We're going riding
on the freeway of love *

* Wind against my back

* We're going riding
on the freeway of love *

* In my pink Cadillac

Wow, you really can drive.

I learned from
watching you.

* Freeway of love...
It was just a few feet,

but they were the most exciting
feet I had ever experienced.

(groaning):
Wait, wait... h-help.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK:
Moving my dad's car on
street cleaning day was great.

Sometimes they even cleaned
the street.

Only one thing
would have made it better.

Chris, I'm tired.

Can you move the car
across the street

before you go to school?

Yeah.

You think you can
do it without me?

Really?

If you can't feel
you're ready...

No, n-no, n-no,
I got it.

Good, and make sure you
put on your seat belt.

I will.

And don't touch my mirrors.
I won't.

Don't move my seat.
Okay.

Warm up the engine.
Right.

And don't go
burning up gas.

I'm just moving the car
across the street.

That's three cents
worth of gas.

By the time this checklist
was over,

I had had a license, a diploma,

and had made
my third appearance

on Showtime At The Apollo.

Hurry up or you'll
be late for school.

My father's trust made me feel
like a man... and so did this.

Hey, Chris.
You driving now?

Yeah, so if you ever
need a ride someplace,

just let me know.

Especially if that someplace
is across the street.

Well, maybe we could take
a ride after school.

Maybe.

Look, I got to go,
I don't want to hit traffic.

At that moment,
I had a decision to make:

drive across the street
and look like a fool

or drive around the corner
and feel real cool.

(car starts)

If Greg were here,
he'd say I was in there.

Okay.

Here you go, Julius,
here's your breakfast.

Julius, wake up.

What are you still doing here?

(sighing):
I got to go to court.

I got a speeding ticket.

My mother had her own style
of driving called

The Fast and The Furious:
Bed-Stuy Drift.

(tires screeching)
Move out the way.

Car doesn't move
the way it used to.

Whoo!

I told you about speeding.

Now you have to spend
a whole day off from work

just to pay
a ticket.

I'm not paying the ticket
because I wasn't speeding.

Cop gives me a
ticket for doing 32

in a 25.

Who does 32 in a 25?

If I'm gonna speed, I'm gonna
do 30 miles over the limit,

not seven.

Drew, Tonya,
come on, let's go.

How come y'all ain't
at school?

School is closed for
teachers' records' day.

Yeah, and Mama's
making us go with her

so we don't disturb you
while you sleep.

See you.

My mother always thought
the worst would happen

if my father didn't get
enough sleep.

While my mother got ready
to challenge the law,

I was still breaking it.

Hey, little dude from
across the street!

Check you out, man.

I didn't know you knew
how to drive.

I'm just moving my dad's car
for street cleaning.

Well, you look a little stiff
in there, little dude.

See, man,
you got to cop a lean,

pop your collar up
a little bit.

I'll show you.

Another thing I learned
about cars

is that it's not always
what you drive,

it's how you drive it.

* Yo, yo...

Pop this up some like this.

Now go ahead
and lean.

* I'm big and bad...

Man, come--
lean, man.

Man, get low.

Yeah.

I can't see
nothing.

But you look good,
though.

I got to get to school.

Man, come on, let's go.

You can't see me, but take
my word for it: I look cool.

While I was on the road,

my mother was getting
the runaround.
Just be quiet.

Boy, don't get on
my last nerve today.

Uh, excuse me, miss,

could you tell me
when my case is up?

Let's see.

You're case number 89

and as soon
as this one ends,

we're moving on
to case number... two.

Number two?!

(gavel bangs)
What are you
talking about?!

Excuse me, uh, ma'am.

Could you maintain decorum
and observe complete silence

while this court
is in session?

Thank you.
(mimicking bailiff)

WOMAN:
That way.
What's he talking about?

Come on.

Meanwhile, Jerome had me
driving like he was Miss Daisy.

Just a little bit
further, man.

I need to get the car parked
so I can go to school.

Where do you
need to go?
Right here,
right here, little dude.

This is my stop.

Thanks, little dude.

Ah, man.

What's wrong with you?

I'm gonna be
late for school

'cause I missed my bus and I
still haven't parked the car.

Look, man, just relax,
all right, little dude.

It's a spot
right over there.

I can't park there.

I'm 50 blocks from my house.

You got the car.

Why don't you drive to school?

Because it'll be
the last ride I ever take.

Because I'm not
supposed to be driving.

I'm supposed
to be parking.

Plus, I don't even
have my license.

Well, I'm just saying

if you doing something you
ain't supposed to be doing,

you might as well do
something you supposed to do.

Sounds crazy, makes sense.

I guess.

Hey, you think you could
stop by and pick me up

on your way home from school?

No!

All right.

Let me hold a dollar;
I need bus fare.

What about my gas money
to bring you here?

Thanks, little dude.

Remember what I showed you.

I was supposed to park
across the street,

but now I was
on the highway to Hell.

Even though I was scared
out of my wits,

there was something
about driving

that made me feel like
the coolest kid in the world.

* Yeah, oh.

And the only thing cooler
than driving to school

was pulling up in front of it.

Whoa, Chris, is that you?

I always suspected you were
held back a couple of years,

but I didn't know
you could drive.

When'd you get
your license?

I don't have my license.

What are you
doing driving

and where'd you get a car?

It's my dad's car.

What are you doing with it?

Moving it to the other
side of the street.

Or the other side
of the borough.

Cool.

This is totally
off the hook.

Greg was actually the first one

to use that phrase
and eventually went on

to teach Snoop "shizzle" talk.

Well, aren't you afraid
your dad might find out?

He's a pretty hard sleeper.

As long as I'm back by 5:00,
I think I should be okay.

The truth was my father
could sleep through anything.

* Fire...
(alarm beeping)

There we go.

Hey, wake up, man!

Wake up,
the whole place is on fire!

We got to get
out of here now!

Wake up!

Hey, fellas, get out!

The place
is burning down!

Get out!

When the other
kids see this,

we are going
to be so in there.

Greg, you can't tell
anyone about this.

If a teacher finds out and
calls my dad, I'm dead,

so you can't say
anything to anyone.

Your secret's safe with me.

No, it's not.

Oh, hey, Chris,

I heard you got your father's
deuce and a quarter.

Cool.

Hey, Malcolm Racer X, I heard
you got your father's hooptie.

Cool.

Hey, Chris, I heard
you've got a father.

Cool.

Greg, I thought I told you not
to tell anybody about the car.

Now the whole school knows.

I'm sorry, man.

You've got a car
and I know you.

That's the closest thing I've
ever gotten to being cool.

You know Jennifer Thompson?

Yeah, so?

Well, every time I'm around
her, I get tongue-tied,

and I finally had something
worth saying to her.

That I had my father's car?

And that I'm riding shotgun.

If I had had a shotgun, Greg
would be riding in the trunk.

Case number seven.

Ma, I'm hungry.

Me, too.

Oh, I knew
y'all would say that.

I got a snack.

Here, we'll just open
these chips and,

and we gonna eat some chip...
Ma'am, you have been warned,

already,
for making too much noise.

I'm sorry, Judge.

I got hungry kids
over here.

We're just having
a little snack, that's all.

Well, why don't you try
and have it quietly?

(whispering):
I'll chew quiet.

Ma, I'm thirsty.

Yeah, so am I.

Mm, Drew, go look
for a vending machine

and bring us back a soda.
Okay.

JUDGE:
Guilty.

20 days, $200 fine.

For a parking ticket?

$350!

Ooh.
My mother found out

that judge was a hard case.

So your left
taillight was out?

Ah...

10 years.

ROCHELLE:
10 years?!
Move it.

Did you hear that?
Move it, paisan.

Unless you had soft curves.

Guilty.

Six months house arrest.

What?!

(quietly):
At my house.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, get that number.

She better hope
his wife ain't home.

Girl, they got you
for speeding, too?

You don't look like nothing
on you goes fast.

I told you this
was gonna be big.

Hey, Chris.

Can we sit in your car?

Yeah, why not.

Because they're underage.

Oh, wait... so was I.

Ooh, can we turn on the radio?

Yeah, Chris,
turn on the radio.

I had broken every rule
my father had given me.

But since I had the car,

there was no reason
not to take advantage of it.

Especially since all I had
to do was let it sit there.

Hey, Chris,

can you take us
for a ride?

While I was finding out

what cars do for guys,

my mother was finding out
what guys do for girls.

Your Honor,
I clocked her doing 62

in a 55.

It also says here
that you crashed

into the side of a building,

destroyed four parked cars,
drove through a pond...

and parked by a fire hydrant?

I throw myself onto
the mercy of the court.

I deserve to be punished.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You know, I don't really
think you intended

to go 62 in a 55.

The judge is trying
to go 47 in a 22.

JUDGE:
I tell you what
I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna let you off
with just a warning, okay?

And I hope

that you've learned
your lesson.

Go on. Llámame.

Disgusting.

Yeah, I know
I learned my lesson.

Next time I'm gonna come
in a tighter dress

(gavel bangs)
and a low cut top.

Who said that?

Bailiff,

get granny up out of here.

Come on, granny, get your
butt up out of here.
Sorry.

No, you got to go. Shh.

Shh.

Momma, what's taking
Drew so long?

I don't know.

Let me go find him.
You stay here.

If they call 89,
tell 'em to wait.

Open the door.

While my mother was creeping
out of court,

back on the street,
I was rollin'.

* The wall cave in,
the bass makes... *

It's a shame the white kids
have more rhythm than me.

* ...my ride,
yes the front and back *

* You would think it was
a party, not a Cadillac *

* Cos I drive up to the ave
with the windows closed *

* And my bass is so loud
it could rip your clothes *

* My stereo's thumpin'
like a savage beast *

* The level on my power meter
will not decrease... *

(car puttering)

(car tires squealing)

What's wrong?

Everything.

I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn
and not Alabama.

I learned all kinds of things
about driving a car

but not a single thing
about fixing 'em.

Maybe it's just
out of gas.

It's not out of gas.

Maybe the battery's dead.

Great, then we could
have a double funeral.

I think I know somebody

who might be able
to help us.

The janitor?

The janitor was the one person
at Corleone

that everybody knew.

But nobody knew anything about.

I heard he did a kid a favor
once... for five bucks.

What type of favor?

(school bell ringing)

Next time, kid,
study for your test.

Hey.

Hey.

I know you.

You're that black kid.

Chris.

Yeah.

So, can you do me a favor?

Well, that depends.

Got five bucks?

With Drew running loose in
a building full of courtrooms,

my mother was imagining
the worst.

I find the Defendant guilty
of being a black teenager

in a court of law.

I didn't do it, Mom.

Hey, Mom.

Drew, where have
you been?

I just made ten dollars.

Some guy just paid me
to pee in a cup.

Boy, give me that money!

Don't you know that's
against the law.

Not technically.

And you were
supposed to be

getting soda--
where's the soda?

I had to drink them
so I could pee.

You have to spend money
to make money.

Try now, Chris.

(engine revving)

All right, you fixed it.

No problem.

That'll be five bucks.

I already gave you five.

That was for the favor.

This is to keep
my mouth shut.

Nice doing business with you.

OFFICER:
And as he pulled away from
the curb, Your Honor,

he made a three
lane change

and then proceeded
to make a U-turn

in a business
district.

Excuse me.

Did you see
my little girl?

Yeah, she stepped out.

Stepped out?

What do you mean
stepped out?

She's just
a little girl.
Whoa, whoa.

You're the one that
left her here.

Did you just
"whoa" me?

(scoffs)

Look, Drew,
just stay here.

If they call
number 89

just tell them
to wait, okay?

(giggling)

Tonya!

I thought I told you
to stay put.

I had to go.

You have a lovely
daughter.

Thank you.

Momma, she's
on trial, too.

I'll bet she is, baby,
come on.

Hey!

I got a speeding
ticket.

Well, I got a speeding
ticket, too.

For going seven miles
over the speed limit.

Can you believe that?

That's not even speeding.

I said the same
thing, girl.

It's all right.

I'll pay the fine.

I'm just glad they
didn't check my trunk.

'Cause if they found
my guns and drugs,

I would of been
in trouble.

Okay.

Uh, well, you take care.

Congratulations.
Bye.

Nice talking
to you.
Okay.

You too, baby.
Tell the streets
we said hello.

Case number 89.

Case number 89!

Ooh, 89, that's me.
Here sit down.

Didn't I tell you to tell me
when it's gonna happen.

JUDGE:
Oh... you.

Officer,

tell me what
happened.
Yes, Your Honor.

Uh, on the date
in question,

I clocked
the defendant here,

doing 32 miles an hour
in a 25

mile an hour
zone.
Mmm.

And when I approached
the vehicle, she unleashed

a torrent
of obscenities

and I, honestly, I was
personally offended.

What?!

Ma'am.
Oh.

Your highness...

Your Honor, ma'am.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Your Honor.

Now, I know the officer
may have clocked me doing 32,

but I know
I wasn't.

Yes, so let me get
this straight--

you want me to take your word

versus the word of a sworn
officer of the law.

Yes.

Okay, do you have
any other witnesses?

Nope.

Nope.
Guilty.

Okay, wait, wait,

in-in that,
in that case...

I-I, I'm throwing myself

at, at, at the mercy
of the court.

I have been

such a very bad girl and,

and, and I deserve
to be punished.

Ow.

I know this.

That's what I'm doing.

50 days or $50.

No, come on,
Judge!

I, okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.

I-I-I promise you
I wasn't speeding.

Ma'am, everyone who came in here
today said the same thing.

Whether they
were going 32

in a 25 or 37 in a 30

or a 62 in a 55.

"I wasn't guilty,"

"I didn't see
the sign!"

"I'm a law abiding citizen!"

"I didn't do nothing wrong!"

Did you just hear yourself?

Wait, wait a minute.

Did, did it ever occur to you

that everybody
that came in here today

just so happened

to be going seven miles exactly
over the speed limit.

Not two,
not ten

not 12,

but one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.

Seven, everybody.

Officer,

do you have the calibration
report for your radar gun

on the day in question?

Uh...

no I don't.
Mmm.

Case dismissed.

Aw.
Ha! Yes!

In your face!

(cheering)

Five! Gimme five!

(rapidly banging gavel)

Silence!

Hey!
Woo!

I'm sorry.
This is a
courtroom!

I'm sorry.
Not an end zone.

I'm sorry, Your highness,
Your Honor.

And for your little dance,

I fine you in contempt of court.

That will be $80, please.

Damn it!

After a day behind
the wheel of a car,

I had been popular,
I had been terrified,

and I was ready
to get back on the bus.

Oh, no.

Hey, kid!

Hey!

A little young to be
driving, ain't you?

I'm just listening to
the radio, officer.

There's only one reason
the police in Brooklyn

would pass up the chance
to bust a black kid in a car,

two black kids in a car.

(siren blaring)

(car tires squealing)

How'd it go in court?

I won.

Just like I told you
I would, Julius.

You did?
Mm-hmm.

I told you I wasn't speeding.

I proved my case.

Then she got fined $80
for contempt of court

for doing a victory dance.

Did anybody ask you that?

My dad was barely
done lying down

when I started lining it up.

Hey, Chris,

any problem moving the car?

No, it moved fine.

No trouble finding a spot?

No, it was simple.

Aah.

Well, thanks.

You really helped me out.

After all that had happened,

I kept thinking about
how my dad had trusted me.

Even though I had managed
to get the car back home

without him knowing,

it seemed like the right thing
to do was tell the truth.

Dad?

Yeah, son.

I have a confession.

I drove your car
to school today.

You what?

I'm sorry.

I really am.

Son, I'm very
disappointed in you.

But as long as you're safe...

that's all that really matters.

Thanks, Dad.

But one more thing...

Yes, Dad?

(screaming)

Since I got the car home
and nobody got hurt,

I figured the best thing to do
was to keep it to myself

and never do anything
like that again.

ALL:
Amen.

Well...

well, next Friday, Chris,
I'll let you move it again.

Cool.
Where'd you park it?

Across the street.

(mechanical whirring)

* Everybody hates Chris.