Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 2 - Everybody Hates Caruso - full transcript

Everybody Hates Chris #046
"Caruso"
Closed Captioned

CHRIS ROCK:
After two years at Corleone,

I felt like things had
finally started to turn around.

My grades were okay, I liked
most of my teachers

and I had made friends...

Make that, a friend.

But he was a good one.

There was only one problem
that wasn't going away.

Morning, Cocoa Puffs.

Caruso had made my life
a living hell.

He had beaten my ass
every day



and nothing kept him away.

Not a 104 degree fever...

(sneezes)

...and not even
a national holiday.

Happy Fourth of July, Sammy.

What time is it?

3:15. Why?

Have you seen Caruso?

He's usually punching you
in the face right now.

As far as I was concerned,

this was better
than Enter the Dragon.

You want some more?

Smart move.

(thunder rumbling)



What are you staring at?

Did you just see that?

Saw it, but
I don't believe it.

Other than being glad
that I wasn't next,

at that moment I couldn't
have been happier.

* I got joy
down in my soul... *

See ya. Wouldn't want
to be ya.

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ROCK:
After seeing Caruso getting
a beat down,

I had one question.

Who is that kid anyway?

His name's Bernard Yao.

Apparently he's been going
here since last year.

I never heard of him.

How do you think Caruso's

going to deal with
getting beaten up?

Same way he deals
with everything--

he's gonna take it out on me.

Since the day I got
to Corleone,

if Caruso had a problem,

as far as he was concerned,
it was my fault.

When he got an "F"
on his paper...

"F"?!

You're probably right.

You wearing a cup?

What? No. Are you?

Every day.

You want to borrow it?

No, I'm okay, thank you.

Greg's cup was actually
a thimble.

It's your funeral.

Oh, no.
What?

Holy Nicole Simpson.

Can you hand me a carton
of milk, please?

This is worse than I thought.

Uh, Caruso, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

And can you call me Joey?

Joey?
Joey?

Joey.

Caruso looked about as happy

as Bobby Brown in
a health food store.

Did you see that?

I don't blame him.

If somebody roundhouse kicked
me across a street,

I'd avoid him, too.

Greg avoided trees 'cause
he once got a splinter.

Yao didn't just
beat him down--

he beat the bully
out of him.

(gasps)

While I was free from Caruso,
my dad was free from work.

You don't need to work
this morning?

Your daddy's on
vacation this week.

Man, I wish I could
take a week off.

I need a vacation.

What for? You're a kid.

Your whole life's a vacation.

This is a waste
of time.

I should be working.

You got five paid vacation days.

Paid, Julius.

Yeah, but they're paying me
for a 40-hour week.

I average close to 70.

If you think about it,
I'm actually losing money.

Then don't think about it.

Baby, get some rest.

Pay attention to your health
for a change.

There's nothing wrong
with my health.

You got the gout, high blood
pressure, arthritis,

a bad back, the sniffles,
an ingrown toenail, seborrhea,

psoriasis,
a strained ligament,

dyspepsia and gastric reflux.

My mother was making
a lot of sense.

Unfortunately, all
my father heard was...

You got the light bill,
the gas bill, the phone bill,

the heat bill, the water bill,

car note, taxes,
insurance, food,
rent, clothes,

heating, cooling,
washing, drying...

My mother thought it was work
that gave my father stress.

But she was wrong--

it was debt.

Which is why he did this.

Hey, Frank, it's Julius.

Listen, I got a few days off

and I'm looking to pick up
a little work.

So FYI, my sources tell me
that Yao likes using

the upstairs bathroom
by the art room.

What sources?

What are you--
Spenser for Hire?

I guess that makes me Hawk.

It's not important.

All that matter is
that you avoid using it.

Why? Just because Yao
beat up Caruso

doesn't mean he's going
to beat us up, too.

Did you see the way
he was looking at us

when he came out
of that alley?

I'm not taking
any chances.

You're overreacting.

(screams)

Okay, look, we don't
want any trouble.

What's this?

My lunch money.

I always pay on time,
and I don't even mind

tossing in a few extra
bucks around the holidays.

What is wrong
with you guys?

I don't want your money.

But after what you
did to Caruso,

we figured you
were taking over.

I'm not taking
over anything.

I just got tired of him
picking on me.

That's why
I took karate.

It was either that, or give up
my lunch money.

If I had to pay
for karate lessons,

I wouldn't have
had lunch money.

Now that's what
I call relaxing.

It's getting late.

You'd better be going.

What do you mean?
It's only 8:15.

You never know.
There could be traffic.

I wouldn't want you
to be late for work.

I think I have time
for a cup of coffee.

Oh, could you get me
another cup?

Look, I'm just saying,
you know,

you're still on your
three-month probation.

I wouldn't want you
to have a mark on
your record.

Oh, please, that office
is so disorganized.

I'm gonna sit right here
and have my cup of coffee.

And besides, they don't keep
records of anything anyway.
(loud gulping)

Ironically, she worked
at the Department of Records.

Baby, we're out of coffee,

but maybe you can pick up
another cup on the way to work.

Okay, all right, I get it,
I get it.

You want me to leave so you can
have your day of relaxation.

I get it.

Have a good day.
Have a good day.

All right,
get some rest.

Okay.

Clark Kent's got
nothing on him.

I'm out.

The next few days at school

were the best I'd ever had
at Corleone.

For the first time Caruso

didn't knock the books out
of my hand when he passed me.

Hi, Chris.

He didn't shove me in a locker.

Hi, Chris.

And the only name he called me
was mine.

Hey, Chris.

For the first time
I could remember,

I didn't have
a problem at school.

Hey! Ah!

Give me your lunch money.

I didn't have a problem...

now I had a lot of problems.

ROCK:
Caruso losing the fight
with Bernard Yao

was good and bad.

On the upside, Caruso was
no longer on my back.

On the downside, I was getting
beat like eggs at IHOP.

Hey, give me
your lunch money.

Hey, don't give him
your lunch money.

Give me your lunch money.

He's going to
give it to me.

No, he's going
to give it to me.
No, he's not.

Give it to me!
It's mine!

This is how kids used to fight

before there were guns
in school.

Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom!
(fists smacking)

(crowd groaning)

All clear.

It's like there's not enough
of you to go around, man.

I haven't seen
anger and violence

like this since
my custody hearing.

Me neither.

Well, at least
outside my neighborhood.

What's going on?

When Yao beat up Caruso,

it threw the whole school
out of whack.

What do you mean?

The school is like
The Godfather.

There's a hierarchy,
and on top is
Don Corleone.

But in our case--
Don Caruso.

Caruso was the toughest
kid in school.

No one dared
challenge his authority.

Almost everybody
hated Caruso,

but a lot of kids envied him.

They wanted to be him,

but were too scared to do
anything about it.

When Caruso was out of the way,

the school was up for grabs.

It was going to be a bloodbath,

and I knew that unless
I did something

it was going to be my blood.

Dude, how do you
know all this?

When you spend a lot of time
in dark lockers

you think about things.

I started writing

my first HBO Special
in a locker.

(laughing)

So what do we do now?

We got to put Caruso
back in power.

ROCHELLE:
Mm-hmm.

$47 for alimony?!

DREW:
I bet you don't.

TONYA:
Bet you I will.

I bet you don't.
Keep dreaming.

A wood chipper? Where did
she get a wood chipper from?

Mm-hmm... mm-hmm...

Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm...

Mm-hmm...

He left her for
a midget?!

Uh-huh.

Ma, I'm home.
Uh-huh.

Right.

Hey, Mom, where's Dad?

He's probably sleeping.

Leave him alone,
'cause he needs his rest.

And, boy, close
my door. You don't
live in a barn.

Uh-huh.

I didn't even open
that door.

Back at school,
I feared for my life.

So I couldn't even enjoy
the epidemic

of white-on-white violence.

Look at that.

Caruso's a broken man.

Don't worry,
I know how to fix him.

Caruso lost a fight
to the new champ.

But I figured
he couldn't resist a fight

with the old chump.

What is wrong with you?

Let go of me.
What's wrong with you?

You're what's wrong with me,

walking around here like a sad
Richie Cunningham.

You should be kicking
some serious butt.

What are you talking about?

Yao kicked the crap out of you.

You're just gonna take it?

What do you expect?

Well, maybe you can't beat him,

but you can beat me.

I mean, come on, punch me,

kick me, push me on the ground,
something.

Have you lost your mind?

Yes.
Have you lost your mind?

Call me Stymie, Rochester,
Tootsie Roll, Inkwell.

Come on, man!

What are you doing?

Prompting an angry call
from Bill Cosby.

Look, I-I got to go.

Desperate times call for
desperate measures.

You want to act like a punk,

I'm gonna treat you
like a punk.

Give me your
lunch money, Opie.

First time I was scared
he wouldn't hit me.

All right, here.

Just leave me alone.

Well, that didn't work.

So now what?

Well, we got
his lunch money.

Let's go get a pizza
and think about it.

We got a pizza, but eight
different bullies took a slice.

Since I couldn't get Caruso
to put a stop to things,

I had to go to the guy
who started it.

Hey, Yao, can I talk to you
for a second?

Give me your lunch money first.

I'm joking.

Yeah, good one, jackass.

What do you want?

I have a problem

and I need your help.

I got my own problems.

I guarantee you
they cannot be worse than mine.

I'm failing math.
I got work to do.

I don't have time for this.

Wait, you're not good at math?

What, just because I'm Asian,
I have to be good in math?

You're black, can you moonwalk?

I didn't mean it like that.
And, no, I can't moonwalk.

So, I can't use chopsticks.
I don't like watermelon.

I can't make a swan
out of paper.

I don't have sickle cell anemia.

I don't own a dry cleaners.

I bet you like rice.

You know what, man,
just forget this.

It's simple, I need you
to fight Caruso again.

Why would I do that?

At least when Caruso
was in control,

we only had one person
to worry about.

And now, everybody's
kicking the crap out of

anybody they can get
their hands on.

And nine times out of ten...

it's me.

I don't want to fight.

If you don't
want to do it for me,

then do it for the school.

We may not want a bully,
but we need a bully.

Look, I already fought him once
and beat him.

What makes you think
he would fight me again?

Let me take care of that.

And what's in it for me?

Caruso...

I know you're in here.

It's me, Chris.

What?

I need to talk to you.

I knew I had to convince Caruso
to face Yao.

Now it was the biggest
fight of my life

and I wasn't even in it.

I don't have
any more money.

Man, would you just
come out here?

Man, what is wrong with you?

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I actually feel bad for you.

You used to run this school.

And now look at you.

You're sad, pathetic and
scared out of your mind.

Shoot, if you were black,
you'd be me.

What do you want from me?

You need to stand up to Yao.

Are you crazy?

He hit me in the eye
with a Siberian flying tiger.

I couldn't see straight
for three days.

So?

When I first came
to this school,

you smacked me around.

But I stood up to you.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

And you smacked me around
some more.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!

So what's your point?

You see, every superhero
needs a villain.

I mean, where would Superman be

if it wasn't for
Lex Luthor?

He'd be at the Hall of Justice
watching super TV.

(sighs)

And the Fantastic Four,

where would they be
if it wasn't for Dr. Doom?

At the circus.

(toilet flushing)
The reason you need

to stand for yourself
is because I need you.

The school needs you.

And unless you want

to spend the rest of the school
year slinking around

and being scared to let me
kick the crap out of you,

you need to stand up
for yourself.

You really think I can beat him?

I don't think so,
I know so.

After a few days

of successfully working
his secret job,

my dad ran into two problems--

Drew and Tanya.

I still don't see how

you threw your back out
doing nothing.

Oh, I must've slept funny.

Well, you sleep
harder than you work.

Hey, Dad, you probably
hurt you back carrying

all those packages.
What?

Yeah, this afternoon,
me and Drew saw you on

Fulton Avenue

when we were walking
home from school.

Okay, baby, here's some aspirin.

It'll relax your muscles a bit.

Who did y'all see
on Fulton Avenue?

Nobody.
They're just talking.

Oh.

Whoever that was,

he looked just like you.
I hope he doesn't

hit somebody in the head
with a pipe and run,

because if he does,
you're going to jail.

I mean, for real, Dad,

he looked just like you--

bald head, beard,
dark skin, everything.

I even called you.

I said, "Daddy...!"

Sure did.

Then the guy turned around
and looked right at us,

covered his face
with a package

and ran inside
the building.

Hey, baby, you want
a beer before dinner.

Oh, thanks.

So who did y'all see
running into a building?

Nobody.
They just playing.

(chuckles nervously):
Kids.

Playing all the time.

Mm, okay.

I don't know, Dad.

If they had a look-
like-you contest,

he would win.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, fine.

It was me.

I took a job delivering packages
for the week.

Ooh...

You're supposed
to be on vacation.

Mama's gonna be mad.

Not if you keep your mouth shut.

You know Mom hates to be the
last to find out about stuff.

And I don't want her
mad at me.

Do you guys like
having a father?

Yes.
Yes.

Keep quiet.

And I'll give you five dollars.

Each?

Yeah.

Now shh.

I had brought two fighters
of different ethnicities

together for a fixed fight.

I felt just like Don King.

Hey, Fried Rice.
What took you so long?

Why don't you ask your mother?

(crowd oohs)

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Where you going?

Don't you want
to see who wins?

What's the difference?

Either way, tomorrow,

someone's gonna be kicking
the crap out of me.

(chanting continues)

Back on my dad's secret job,
he didn't know it,

but the shipment
was about to hit the fan.

Hey, excuse me,
excuse me, look.

I'll give you five dollars
if you go in there

and get a package for me.

What are you...?

You're some kind
of pervert.
No, no.

No, no, no, look.
I'll give you ten, man, hey!

Damn!

Can I help you?

(coughs)

Hey, baby.

How you doing?

If that's what
my mother looks like

catching my father
with another job,

it's no wonder he never had
another woman.

What you doing here?

I'm working.

What are you doing here?

Relaxing?

Drew and Tanya...

Yeah, Drew and Tanya.

Now you're bribing
your own kids?

You should be
ashamed or yourself.

And you only gave them
ten measly dollars.

You could've at least
gave them $20.

How did you know
I was going to be here?

Who do you think called for
you to pick up the package?

Look, I'm just trying
to make some extra money

so we can get ahead, baby.

Baby, how are you
gonna get ahead

if your behind is
laying in a coffin?

Julius, I need for
you to relax,

so I can relax.
You understand?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was
that important to you.

(sighs heavily)

Go home.

And if you're not asleep
by the time I get home,

I'm gonna knock you out.

No, don't kiss me, I'm in
my place of business.

Well, at least let me
get the package.

There is no package.

Go to sleep.

And I'm keeping the ten dollars.

For a few days, I had something
I'd always wished for--

no Caruso.

But the only thing worse
than life with him,

was life without him.

Everybody was talking
about the fight,

but I knew how it ended
before it started.

Well, you did it, man.

Caruso's back.

Yeah, I guess I'm a real hero--

Superfool.

Greg?

Thanks, Sandman.

Give me my money.

You owe me a pizza.

Thank you.

Thanks, nothing.

You got what you wanted,

I let Caruso beat me,

and now I get what I want.

Either I pass my math class
or it's your ass.

What's he angry about?

Can't he see I'm the one
in the locker?

* Everybody Hates Chris. *