Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 4 - Everybody Hates Blackie - full transcript

Anybody else moves,
they're dead.

You, fill it up,
just the bills.

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was growing up,
crime was always on the move.

The rest of you tellers
move away from those windows.

It went from crime on TV
to crime in the city...

to crime in our house.

So what's missing?

The television.

To my parents and the police,
the house got robbed...

To Drew and Tonya,

the TV got kidnapped.



Here, I sketched something
for you to give to the FBI.

It was a 19-inch RCA,
serial number 1993IH.

Do you think
you can get it back?

We'll try. What else?

Well, we're still trying
to figure it out,

but they took the stereo,
all of our records

including my autographed
James Brown The Payback album.

Ooh, that's
a collector's item.

It's worth some money.

They took my meat!
What?

All of it. Steaks,
hamburgers, hot dogs,

bologna.

If they had stole
that stuff earlier

maybe he wouldn't have
the gout.



Can you find out who did this?

Doubtful.
There's a lot of crime.

Aren't you going to dust
the place for fingerprints,

you know, canvas the
neighborhood for witnesses,

check with your snitches,

put your ears to the street,
something?

Lady, my shift ends
in six minutes.

Fill out this report.

And that's it?
That's it.

So you're not going
to help us at all?

No, but we're here
to comfort you.

Forget this.
I'm getting a gun.

Julius, do you know what
would happen if we got a gun?

Who ate the big piece
of chicken?

(pistol cocking)

You? Baby girl?

(pistols cocking)

Who left the damn
toilet seat up? Huh?

Who ate all the cereal?

I will blow
your freakin' head off!

I think we should get a dog.

I'd always wanted a dog.

My parents always said no.

But maybe the robbery would
make them change their mind.

For the umpteenth time, Chris,
we are not getting a dog.

Wishful thinking.

The kid's right. If you really
want to protect the house,

a guard dog
is the best way to go.

(growling)

(barks)

I don't think
he likes you, Dad.

He better like me.

I paid $35 to have him
vaccinated and neutered.

Now we know why he's growling.

Can we name him?

He already has a name.

Blackie.

But he's brown.

You black and you brown.

Well, I want to give
him a bath.

Hey, hey, hey,
not so fast.

This dog needs to be trained
to protect this house.

And since it was
Chris' idea,

it's his responsibility
to feed him, bathe him,

walk him and clean
up his mess.

She always said
she ain't raising no babies.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK:
Getting my first dog

was like getting
a whole new lease on life.

I guess you could say it was
like having a new friend.

Hey, li'l dude,

let me hold a dollar.

Thanks.

Go get my dollar.

(dog snarling)

(screaming)

A friend with benefits.

Yeah.

Training Blackie was going
to be fun.

I figured I'd start
with the basics.

Come here. Come here.

Jump.

Jump. J... jump.

Speak, like... arf.

Uh...

Roll over.

Like...

Roll...

Roll over.

I tried monkey see, monkey do,

which is useless with a dog.

Hey, I made a complete list
of what's missing.

You didn't put
a dishwasher on here.

We don't have a dishwasher.

We will if they find one.

I'm calling
the insurance company.

No, no, no, I don't want
my premiums going up.

Insurance is just
for emergencies.

Well, Julius,
isn't this an emergency?

They took the meat.
They took the TV.

They took my James Brown album.

I mean, the only way
they could take something else

is if they brought
something back.

Look, just let me look
around the neighborhood

for our stuff first.

Whoever did this can't
be that far away.

Well, how do you know that?

Who comes to Bed-Stuy to steal?

Crackheads, bowling ballhead.

You go ahead
and look around.

In the meantime, I'm putting
this place on lockdown.

Because the TV was stolen,

Drew and Tonya tried to get
their fix any place they could.

Captain Kangaroo
is so funny.

I'm calling the cops,
you peeping Toms.

Get out of here!

A dog.

That's so cool.

Yeah, but I can't get
him to do anything.

Here's a couple of books
on dog training.

You just happen to have books
on dog training in your locker?

I got lots of stuff in here.

Let's see...

Got a bartender's guide,
an auction catalog

to fine crystal,
mostly Lalique,

How to Fly
a Helicopter,

The Idiot's Guide
to Tic-Tac-Toe,

a Gutenberg Bible...

and a street guide
to Baghdad.

You never know.

That guidebook lists
a lot more streets

than they have left
in Baghdad now.

Well, thanks. These should help.

Remember, you should be the only
one bonding with the dog.

Why?

To be a good watchdog,

he has to report to one master.

Otherwise, he may befriend
the bad guys.

I was going to have to do
what Greg said.

Even though being master
to something named Blackie

seemed like a bad idea.

At home, my mother installed
a ghetto alarm system.

Hey, Ms. Rochelle.

What's going on?

We got robbed.

You got robbed? When?

Two nights ago.

Where were you?
I was at home.

Didn't you hear anything?

Oh, no, I was busy.

Well, they cleaned out
half the house.

Well, the important thing
is you got your health.

Material things don't matter.

'Cause after all,
you can't take it with you.

That's 'cause they took it all
with them.

The next person

that walks through
this door

is gonna hear
bells a-jingling.

Jingling bells.

Let me show you something
over there, okay?

Well, see, if anybody tried
to get through the window...

Huh? See?

Blocked by a broomstick.

But do you really think
they'd try

to come through
a second-story window?

People can see them
from the street.

Well, if they do,
they can't get in.

Oh, and we got a guard dog.

So if anybody comes
in this house,

they gonna leave
in a casket.

Casket-- now that's the type
of talk I like to hear.

Well, I'll keep
my ears open.

And your doors locked.

All right, see you now.

Hey, Mr. Omar.
Hey, how y'all doing?

Hey, Ma, can me and Drew play
with Blackie?

No, baby, he's a guard dog,
not a pet.

DREW:
What are we
supposed to do?

We don't have a TV.
We're bored.

I don't know.
Maybe read a book.

Reading? Now that's positive.

Tonya and Drew
couldn't watch TV,

but that didn't stop them
from reading it.

Check this out.

"Matlock at 4:00.

"When Nashville star
Dolly Parton

get arrested for murder,
she turns to Ben Matlock."

Look at this:

Moses Gunn is going to be
on The Jeffersons.

Did you know
Little House on the Prairie

was closed captioned
for the hearing-impaired?

Stephanie Mills is going
to be on Captain Kangaroo.

Meanwhile, my father tried
to get clues from the clueless.

Look, I want information,

and word on the street
is that you got some.

Where'd you hear that from?
Radio or something, man?

Ain't got no damn TV,
so I heard.

Maybe you should talk
to Mr. Lincoln.

A penny?

You can keep
your penny, man.

I don't know nothing, man.

I haven't heard anything.
No one's told me anything.

Zero.
Hey, hey, hey, you sure?

I mean, maybe you want
to talk to Mr. Roosevelt, too.

Know what? I would love
to talk to Mr. Roosevelt.

Yes, Mr. President.

Yeah, Julius is
standing right here.

Yeah, yeah.

He ain't got enough money.

No, he's really short of money.

Yeah, he's still
standing here.

I will tell him,
Mr. President.

Okay, okay, I'll tell him.
Bye-bye.

Um, he says to go talk
to Kill Moves

'cause Kill Moves
has his ear to the street.

What do you hear, Kill Moves?

Four riders... two on ponies.

No, about my place
getting robbed.

I ain't hear anything
about that.

But don't say I didn't warn you
about the coming Indian attack.

(war whoops)

My father couldn't get
our TV back,

and now he'd lost his chair.

What are these things?

They're sporks.

Aren't they great?

You can eat a soup or a steak
without changing hands.

ROCHELLE:
Julius, I can't
take this anymore.

I feel like I'm tasting
paper plate.

I'm calling
the insurance company.

No, no, look, look, I already
got some of our stuff back.

This is not our stuff.

It's still a great picture.

Dad, they're white people.

Look, I got it
at a fire sale for 15 cents.

But they're white people.

Look, get a crayon
and color them in.

I'm calling
the insurance company

before you replace me
with a white woman.

Right now, he's praying she
doesn't look in the freezer.

(loud pounding)

MR. OMAR:
Let me in!

Let me in!

What is it?
I've been robbed!

Lord have mercy.

They broke into my house
and took one of my widows.
Mrs. Johnson?

No, man, Mrs. Williams.
The redbone.

Do you know how hard it is
to find a good redbone?

Well, at least
you got your health.

Oh, that's supposed
to be funny?

I'm just saying...
you can't take it with you.

I thought this place
was supposed to be protected.

Y'all got bells on your doors,
broomsticks on your windows.

Where were you?

I was home.

And you didn't hear nothing?

I was busy, you know.

You were busy?

Okay...

look, I can't live
under these conditions, okay?

If I don't get
my redbone back,

I expect a reduction
in my rent.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, a
reduction in your rent?

Did I stutter?

And you need to get rid
of that dog and get a gun.

Blackie, get out of my chair!

He's guarding it.

Oh, Lord, he done done it now!

All right, now, Chris,
this is it.

You got 48 hours to train
that dog or he's dog food.

Dogs aren't used in dog food,

but this wasn't a good time
to correct my father.

I loved Blackie,
but I'm in trouble.

Blackie, no! Stop!
Come back!

I didn't know which one
was more dangerous:

Blackie running into the street

or running over
to that Puerto Rican fellow.

Thanks, man.

Oh, no problem.

It's amazing.

Every time I command him,
he doesn't do anything.

Sientate.

Levantate.

I guess he speaks
Puerto Rican.

But I don't.

Well, that's too bad.

Hey, well,
you live around here?

I don't live too far.

What's your name?

I'm Carlos.

Chris.
All right, Chris.

So you think you can teach me
some Spanish

so I can train him?

Sure, yeah.

While I was getting help,
my parents needed help.

I'm afraid your policy
doesn't cover

all of your losses.

What are you talking
about? Why not?

Well, let me make sure
I have all the facts first.

Was there any wind damage?

No.

Ah. That's too bad

'cause you're covered for that.

We're covered
for wind damage?

Any fire or flood associated
with the loss?

No, we got robbed.

Well, then there's not much
I can do.

Although, we at Mutual Farms
appreciate your business.

Their slogan was "You're in
white hands with Mutual Farms."

Wait.
What about the meat?

I mean, we lost
$117.43 worth of meat.

I'm sorry.
According to our records,

you opted out
of the meat coverage.

At the time, we didn't have
any meat to cover.

So let me get this straight.

You're not paying us
for the meat.

You're not paying us
for the stereo,

but what are we
paying you for?

Peace of mind.

Peace of mind.

We don't want
peace of mind.

We want a piece of furniture.

I understand that, but...

Look here, mister,

we have been your customers
over ten years.

This is our first phone call
to you.

And believe me, there have been
many other problems.

One time it flooded.

Can we call
the insurance company now?

No.

Now we have a swimming pool.

Another time a plane
dropped a load.

Can we call
the insurance company now?

No way. Now we
have new luggage.

One time, aliens took over.

(aliens screeching softly)

Now can I call
the insurance company?

No, I've always wanted
to go to another planet.

Can't you do something to help?

I'll see what I can do.

Mm, peanut butter?

He's lucky she didn't pull away
any of his teeth.

Negrito, bajate, sientate.

What did you call him?

What was that?

Oh, training the dog in Spanish.

Why?

It's part
of the attack-dog training.

Like you can only talk
to a German Shepherd in German

or Irish Wolfhound in Irish.

This is a Puerto Rican mutt.

Well, I don't care
what he speaks

as long as he stays
out of my chair

and you turn him into a killer.

Bueno.

¿Que?

Nada.

Drew and Tonya finally settled
on an activity

they could both enjoy:
prank phone calls.

Do you have
pig's feet?

WOMAN:
Yes, yes, we do.

Well, if you wear shoes,
nobody would notice.

(both laugh)

Hello? Is this Mr. Freely?

A Mr. I.P. Freely?

Hi, I'm just confirming

that I have a hundred
large pieces ordered

to Mr. Omar's
Funeral Home?

MAN:
I'll check.

Yes, okay.
Thank you.

Tragic.

WOMAN:
911 emergency.

Help! Help!
They're choking me!

Come here, woman!
Shut up, girl!

Stay calm, ma'am.
Come here!

Hey, hey,
get back here!

While Drew and Tonya
made crank calls,

the insurance company made
the right call.

We got the settlement check
from the insurance company!

Let me see!
We're going
shopping, baby!

We are going shopping!

"$715.13"!

We going shopping!
We going shopping!

I didn't just learn Spanish.

I learned
about a whole new world,

a world that ironically
wasn't too different

than the world I already knew.

There was a Puerto Rican
Kill Moves.

There was a Puerto Rican Doc.

¿Aqui?

There was a Puerto Rican Risky.

Ten dollars.

Gracias.
Okay.

There was even
a Puerto Rican Jerome.

Hey,

papi de otra calle.

Let me hold un dollar, papa.

Everything was different,
but getting robbed still hurt.

Gracias, hermano.

* I know and you know
that if we get together *

Hey, Carlos.

Hey, mamita.

Que lindo es el doggie?

Cómo se llama?

Tell her his name.

Oh, his name's Blackie.

Aye, Negrito.

Y tu nombre?

Your name.
What's your name?

Oh, my name's Chris.

Hola, Chris. I'm Thalia.

This is my amiga Claudia,
y my prima Luz.

This dog was magic.
Girls liked me.

Pretty Puerto Rican girls!

How do you know Carlos?

Oh, well, he's teaching me
Spanish

so I can train Blackie
to be a guard dog.

(laughs)

What's so funny?

Blackie can't
be a guard dog.

Why not?

Give me that.
Watch this. Watch this.

Blackie, ataca! Ataca!

To y'all that don't speak
Spanish,

that means "attack."

(laughs)

Miralo. Miralo.

Lassie, go get help.

The Puerto Rican girls
are laughing at me.

This dog is a lover,
not a fighter.

In fact,
Blackie was such a lover,

we have to go
to commercial right now.

Man, this is like nothing
you ever seen before.

All the girls
call me "Papi."

Papi? You're
so in there.

¿Que paso, mami?

Nada mucho, papi.

See?

That's so cool.

But aren't you supposed

to be teaching Blackie
to attack intruders?

I'm working on it.

This book may help.

Turn Your Pup into a Perp:
Teaching Dogs to Kill.

Perfect.

I was going to do everything
I could

to get the attack
out of Blackie.

(growling)

* Superhighways,
coast to coast *

* Easy to get anywhere

* On the transcontinental
overload *

* Just slide behind the wheel

* How does it feel?

* When there's no destination
that's too far *

Good boy.

* And somewhere on the way,
you might find out who you are *

Blackie couldn't fly
if he was a bald eagle.

* I feel good!

There was only one more stop in
the Blackie training program.

Okay, so before we leave,

he needs to smell all you guys
so he knows not to attack you.

Will he attack Mr. Omar?

Oh, oh!

Mr. Omar!

Okay, so this is my sister
Tonya right here.

And this is my brother Drew.

Okay, this is my mom
Rochelle right here.

Okay, okay, okay.

Chris, hurry up
so I can get to the store

before all the good stuff
is gone.

And this is my father Julius.

Hey!

And this is Mr. Omar,
my neighbor.

And what is that?

Uh, these belong
to some of my lady friends.

I just want to make sure
they're safe.

The only dog they have
to worry about is you.

Come on, y'all.

You like that red...

I figured even if Blackie
wasn't a killer,

what difference did it make?

We'd already been robbed twice.

What were the chances
it would happen again?

They broke in again?!

Everybody get back!

Let me go first
in case they're still inside.

Hey, give me something
to use as a weapon.

Hey, I got a gun!

Yeah, it just looks
like a frying pan.

They took my bells?!

JULIUS:
Come on in!

I cannot believe this!

Wonder what they took
this time.

Hey, at least they didn't take
the TV Digest.

It doesn't look like
anything is missing.

Maybe Blackie
scared 'em off.

I don't think so.

Blackie's gone.

They stole Blackie?

I love having a dog,

and losing Blackie made me
really depressed.

Plus, having the Lassie,
Rin Tin Tin, Sounder,

Turner & Hooch marathon
on TV didn't help.

(knocking)

Move, boy.

Who is it?!

Police!

Is this about the robbery?

No, our emergency
operators traced

several prank
phone calls

back to this number.

ROCHELLE:
Prank phone calls?

Yes. Calls to I.P. Freely,
pizza orders

and finally, a distress call

that a woman was getting
choked to death.

That's not even funny.
I don't get it.

It's absurdist.
You're not supposed to.

Chris, do you know
anything about this?

No.

Drew?
What?

Tonya?
Huh?

Do y'all know
anything about this?

About what?
About what?

About what?

I'm sorry, officer.

This won't happen again.
Trust me.

So y'all like
getting choked, huh?

Oh, you better run.

You better run
as fast as you can.

I thought I'd never see
Blackie again.

Blackie, comóestás?
How are you?

And he thought he'd never
seen me before.

Blackie, remember, it's me,
Chris, tu amigo?

(growling)

Hey, papi, tranquilo.

Papi, tranquilo.

No, no, no!

(barking and growling)

* Todo el mundo odia a Chris. *