Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 22 - Everybody Hates Graduation - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
As graduation got closer,

I thought about
my days at Corleone.

It had been tough,

but the one good thing
was that Greg was always there.

We got beaten up together.

Hey, Zephyr.

And, of course, we hung out
after school together.

(knocking)

Do you think it's safe
to go out yet?

No, we'd better give it
another hour.

And now we'd be going
to high school together.



Dude, I've got some bad news.

I'm not going
to high school with you.

What?!

My mother submitted me
for a scholarship

to the Bronx Academy of Science
without telling me.

Better than the time
she submitted him

for adoption
without telling him.

You're kidding.

Did you get accepted?

Dude, I am so in there.

Sorry.

Well, congratulations.

Thanks, man.

That was sarcasm, dummy.



So your mother submitted
you for a scholarship

without telling you?

Yeah, her and Ms. Morello.

She was afraid that
if I didn't get accepted,

I'd be disappointed.

When I was seven,
I lost a spelling bee

and went into
a black depression.

That happened to me
when I saw Soul Plane.

To this day, I can't say
"pulchritudinous"

without crying.

So where are you going
to high school?

Well, I want to go
to Foxy Brown High.

The principal looks
like Pam Grier.

But my mom wants me
to go to Tattaglia.

I just don't think I can go
through four more years

of being
the only Black kid.

I wasn't sure what
Tattaglia would be like,

but judging from the name,
I had an idea.

Don't worry, man.

If you can make it through this,
you can make it through that.

He must have me confused
with Nelson Mandela.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
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Captioning sponsored by
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CHRIS ROCK:
Even though I knew

I'd probably meet more people
after I graduated,

the fact was,
Greg was my closest friend,

and replacing him
wasn't going to be easy.

Dude, you are so in there.

Next.

Dude, we are so in there.

Next.

Oy.

Dude, you are so in there,

though I would prefer
not ending a sentence

with a prepositional phrase.

I would prefer never seeing
your face again.

Next.

Next...

Next!

Dude... you are...

Next!

That's cold, man.

I'm supposed to be your boy.

What happened to you?

I'm practicing
eating by myself again.

Good practice
for my "dating years."

You act like we're never going
to see each other again.

This isn't easy for me, either.

Well, at least your whole
school's not gonna hate you.

People have to notice you
to hate you.

I'm gonna be invisible.

I'd pay money to be invisible.

I mean, look at me.

I got one friend,
and he's white.

Look at me.

I got one friend,
and he's Black.

You got a point.

You know, we can't
let this happen.

Starsky and Hutch
didn't break up.

They were both white.

Butch and Sundance
didn't break up.

White again.

Crocket and Tubbs
didn't break up.

Tubbs thought he was white.

What am I supposed to do,
come to school with you?

Yeah.
How am I supposed
to do that?

I don't know, I guess we're
just gonna have to find out.

If that's what
you want to do.

Let's do it.

Are you crazy?

Do you see the tuition
at this school?

That was all he saw.

This is a good school.

JULIUS:
This is an
expensive school.

He's going to end up
a homeless genius.

I think Chris can benefit
from being around

kids like this that
go to a school like this.

She means white kids.

Greg is going, too.

Baby, you know he had
a hard time at Corleone.

It was your idea
to send me there.

And at least he doesn't have
to make all new friends.

No, I'll have a massive
"one friend" head start.

Chris, you can make new friends
at a public school.

You've got the whole
public to choose from.

ROCHELLE:
Look at all these great

She means white teachers.

If we send Chris
to that school,

what'll happen when Drew
and Tonya graduate?

Oh, baby...

Can't we just worry
about that then?

Can we just
think about it?

I thought about it.

And I'm smart enough to know

we are too poor for
Chris to be that smart.

Now I'm rich enough
to be stupid.

Sorry, man.

But, Julius...

While my plans
went into the garbage,

Uncle Ryan threw out
a proposal.

Hey, just the man
I'm looking for.

Translation:
"I need some money."

Hey, man,
what you got going this time?

Uncle Ryan
is selling mixtapes.

Mixtapes?

What, like masking tape
and duct tape on the same roll.

That's a good idea.

Nah, man, mixed tapes.

Mixtapes.

A mixtape is a compilation
of tracks

that have been recorded
on a cassette tape.

These tapes, once compiled, can
be sold on any major city street

out of the trunk
of a Black man's cars,

typically a Buick or a Lincoln.

Since the cost of the tapes
is so low,

and the music is free, selling
mixtapes was and is still,

a profitable,
although illegal, business.

Hey, Dad,

Uncle Ryan said
I could work for him, too.

And you know you
said you can't wait

for Drew to get his first job.

That's not a real job.

A real job takes place
in a building.

They shouldn't be able
to tow your office.

Unless you sell ice cream.

I'm only selling out the
back of my car for now.

I'm going to move to
something more permanent.

Like a van.

What happened to your
auto parts store?

The owner broke it up for parts.

Man, I love this song.

Everybody's going
to be buying this one.

I made you a profit before.

Trust me,
I'm going to do it again.

How much you need?

A hundred.

Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Uncle Ryan.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm selling tickets
to my ballet recital.

I'm doing something
from Swan Lake.

Uh-oh. A ballerina.

How much are they?

Five dollars.

Hey, man, loan me ten bucks.

I just gave you a hundred.

That's my seed money.

It's for your daughter.

Before ATM machines, my father
was the human version.

You just had to know the code.

This is so exciting
that you're all graduating.
Thanks, Ms. Morello.

I'm very proud of everyone.

Gregory, you've got such
a bright future ahead of you.

And, Chris,
in your family,

this must be like
getting a PhD.

Have you thought about
what high school

you're going to yet?

Oh, well, I want to go
to the Bronx Academy
of Science with Greg.

Now, Chris, you've graduated
from junior high,

but let's not get uppity.

I felt too low to get uppity.

The Bronx Academy
is for the exemplary students.

Maybe you should think about
something more realistic.

She means a school
with metal detectors.

You helped me get in.

Can't you help him?

Chris, let's not forget
you flunked math last year.

Yeah, but I passed
everything this year.

Oh, that's right.

Maybe I can have you apply
under the minority curve.

What's that?
J.Lo's butt.

It's an affirmative action plan.

The plan being
"If we let one in,

maybe they'll leave us alone."

Well, what do
I have to do?

Well, first you
have to be Black.

Check.

And then you have to take
the admittance exam.

And if you pass, they'll
pay for you to go.

It's a full scholarship.

I'll do whatever it takes.

All right then,
I'll help you out.

This is great.
Thanks.

Now give me some skin.

I've always wanted to do that.

Run before she makes you
tap dance.

While I was getting
a vote of confidence,

my mother was demanding
a recount.

What do you mean you gave
Ryan a hundred dollars?

What are you getting
all upset about?

He'll pay it back,
and then some.

That is not
what I'm talking about.

Your son asked you to send him

to one of the best schools
in the city,

and all you could do was say,
"Oh, I can't afford it."

But then your brother
comes waltzing in here

talking about
he's selling mixtape

out of the trunk of his car,

and all of a sudden
you become Daddy Warbucks?

Daddy Warbucks?

Daddy Warbucks?

He's the rich guy
from Little Orphan Annie.

Oh.
Oh.

So?

What?

Explain yourself.

Rochelle, look,

I want Chris
to go to the school,

but that's me spending money
I don't have.

Mixtapes are an investment.

Unlike education.

Besides, I want to help
my brother out.

You never help my brother out.

Are you kidding me?

Since we've been married,

he's eaten $12,038.12 worth
of groceries.

I'm helping him stay alive.

Amazingly, my mother didn't
have a comeback for that one.

(Julius yelps, glass shatters)

I stand corrected.

Meanwhile, I trained
for the Bronx Academy

like the Karate Kid trained
for that evil blond kid.

"How are you?"

Fine. And you?

"Very good."

Glad to hear it.

"See you tomorrow."

You betcha.

What?

Oh, sorry,
I was working with Ping earlier.

The belief that the United
States was destined to expand

from the Atlantic Seaboard
to the Pacific Ocean

was called
"Manifest Destiny"?

Should've been called,
"Hey, Indians,

ready or not, here we come."

Chris.

Yes?

You passed.

Oh, man, this is great.

You made it
to the Bronx Academy.

Well, hold on a minute.

Hold on a minute?

What do you mean
hold on a minute?

I passed, didn't I?

Yes, but that only qualifies you
for the home interview.

And assuming your mother
is sober for that,

and it goes off okay,

then you'll be eligible
for the financial review.

What next, a drug test?

Then, of course,
there's the drug test.

I hope Marion Jones doesn't
want to go to this school.

While I was trying
to get into school,

Tonya was trying
to stay on point.

Hey, baby, how are your
ticket sales going?

Eh... I sold them all.

What's wrong?

Well, I just found out

that I'm not going to be
in the recital anymore.

Oh, no, what happened?

The teacher said
you're one of her best dancers.

You know my partner,
Derrick, right?
Yeah.

Well, he had a ballet accident,
and he broke his ankle.

Well, what happened?

Well, he told some guys
that he did ballet,

and they broke his ankle.

(groans softly)

Oh, baby, I know you had
your heart set on this.

You mean you had
your heart set on it.

It's okay.

No, no, it's not.

You know what, baby,
don't worry.

We're going to find you
another boy to dance with.

Ma, in Bed-Stuy?

That's what I was going to say.

Come on, let's make
some phone calls.

Come on.

While my mother searched
Brooklyn for a Baryshnikov,

my Uncle Ryan found
his inner Russell Simmons.

Two, two fifty,

three, three fifty,

400 dollars.

Ooh... I cannot
believe this.

$400 selling tapes.

Man, I gotta tell you,

I didn't think
it was going to work.

Have I ever lied to you?

No, I guess you haven't.

But lying and not knowing what
the hell you're talking about

are two different things.

Drew, take this money
and put it away.

Don't worry, I will.

Here, take this tapes
as a bonus, too.

It's the Hilly Hill mix.

Those guys are new,
they're not really selling.

"MC Hammer"?

"Public Enemy"?

"DJ Jazzy Jeff &
the Fresh Prince"?

I've never heard of these guys.

You will.

You'd be better off erasing
the tape and selling it blank.

Well, can I have
the new Fat Boys album?

Go into Wal-Mart
and ask that question now.

Fine.

Cool.

"Beastie Boys"?

They're white.

White rappers?

(laughs):
I don't think so.

Look, I gotta go.

I got to get some rest
before I go to work.

Hey, I'm sorry, man,
I didn't mean to cause

any problems
with Rochelle.

That's okay-- problem solved.

There aren't many
marriage problems

Benjamin Franklin can't fix.

This is pretty much a formality.

I have a few questions.

Oh, no problem.

We have nothing to hide.

How long have you been addicted
to heroin?

I'm sorry?

Well, I understand

you've struggled with drugs

and alcohol
most of your adult life.

He must have her confused
with Lindsay Lohan.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You must have me mistaken
for somebody else.

That's ridiculous.

I can see it's a sore subject.
Let me move on.

You have three
children, right?

Yes.

Can I have
their fathers' names?

Ju...? Their fathers?

No, no, no.
They have one father.

Mm.

Do you know his name?

Where are you getting
this information?

I'll tell you
where he's getting it.

Unfortunately,
I think Chris is a crack baby.

The mother's
a little delusional.

Her brain is addled by years

of drug abuse and cheap wine
spo-dee-o-dee.

She's actually convinced herself

that she has a husband
who works two jobs

and that they own a house
in the ghetto.

You can't believe a word
she says.

Julius--
he's my husband

and is the father
of my three children.

He has two jobs,
and we own this house.

Are you writing this down?

Young man, let me ask you
a question.

Why do you want
to go to the Bronx
Academy of Science?

Because that's
where my friend's going.

'Cause I love science?

Why do you love science?

Because it's in the name
of your school.

'Cause I like
to cut frogs open?

Klingons?

(laughs)

Mr. Perkins...

If you don't let me in,

she'll smack the scholastic
out of you.

Chris has the desire
to learn.

He has a strong family
who loves and supports him

in a warm
and stable environment.

(loud thudding)
MAN:
Freeze!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
It was just tapes!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
It was just tapes.

ROCHELLE:
What is the...?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
They have a hostage!

Let me see your hands!
Drop the pamphlet...

Hostage? I'm not dropping no...

...and step away
from the white guy.

ROCHELLE:
Get your hands off of me!
I didn't do nothing.

All right, everybody, down
on the floor, down on the floor.

You need to settle down
and drop the pamphlet.
Get your hands off of me...!

ROCHELLE:
I said, get your hands
off of me now!

I apologize,
but it's protocol.

How often does this kind
of thing happen here?

Surprisingly,
not that often.

When you're Black,
first the cops charge,

then they explain the charge.

What's the charges?
Copyright
infringement.

Infringement? What
are you taking about?

I was just making tapes
of people's songs.

Just get in the car.

Once again, I
apologize on behalf of

the New York Police
Department for any
inconvenience.

Oh, that's okay.

I wasn't talking to you.

(sighs)

Mr. Perkins, I'm sorry
about all this.

Son, you had
terrific test scores

and glowing
recommendations,

but with this unbelievably
horrible environment,

you need us more than
I thought you did.

Congratulations.

That's right.
Just get your butt out of here.

Mom! Mom! Mom!
Mom! Mom! Mom!

We don't need you
or your stupid racist school.

Mom, no. No.
Mom, I'm in.
You know what? This...

What are you talking
about you're in?

Just fill out
these application forms

and attach a copy
of your financial records.

Once that clears,
Chris will be the newest student

at the Bronx Academy

of Science.

(screams)
My baby made
it into school!

(applause, cheering
and whistling)

Now if you'll
excuse me,

I'm going to go get drunk.

You know what would
be a good idea?

A show about cops
arresting people.

But what would you call it?

My future was set,

but Tonya's ballet career
was over before it started.

Hey, Tonya, can I talk
to you for a minute?

No.

Look, I know you're all sad

about Derrick and his ankle,
but I think I can help you.

Can you fix his ankle?

Actually, he could.

Actually, I could.

But a compound fracture
has to set

somewhere between five
and seven weeks,

and he still wouldn't be ready
in time for the dance.

So how can you help me?

I could fill in
for him.
For real?

Yeah. I mean,
I'm a pretty good dancer.

If you show me what to do.

You're not afraid someone
will call you a sissy?

No. I don't care.

Besides, I bet
they won't say it to my face.

Like making fun
of Mike Tyson's voice.

Thanks, Drew.

Okay. Come on.
Come over here.

Okay, so, you do your
feet like this, do
your arm like this.

Graduating from Corleone

was one of the best days
of my life,

because I was surrounded
by my family,

and this was the one day
I wasn't going to get punched,

kicked, beat down
or talked about.

Straighten out your
cap and gown, boy.

And do not get on that
stage and embarrass me

in front of these
white people,

or else I'll slap the pomp
out of your circumstances.

Scratch that.
Hi, Daddy.

Hey, baby.
CHRIS:
Where were you?

Bailing Uncle Ryan
out of jail.

Well, where did you get
the bail money?

My mixtape money.

Would have gotten it back

if Uncle Ryan
hadn't skipped bail.

Hey, sorry, man,
but check it out.

I was talking to this
guy down at the station.

Did you know George
Foreman cooks?

The boxer?
Yeah.

He's coming out
with this grill.

I hear it's going to
make a lot of money.

A George Foreman grill?

No, that's all right, man.

I'm gonna wait on
the Muhammad Ali toaster oven.

Come on, honey.
Let's go in.

You look
nice, sweetie.

Congratulations, man.

* Looks like we made it...

Hey, man.
Hey.

We made it.

I guess so. Let's get in there
so we can get out of here.

Next stop,
the Bronx Academy.

Dude, I am so in there.

Hey, Spridel,
Chim Chim, let's go.

* Looks like we made it...

My days at Corleone had sailed,

and Drew and Tonya
were floating on air.

(classical music playing)

(loud munching)

(applause)

Those are
my babies.

Aren't they
fabulous?!

Drew got more women in a tutu
then I got at 22.

(Caruso sighs)

So long, Greg.

So long, Chris.

What? No final insult?

You got to go through the rest
of your life being Black.

I can't top that.

We won't ever have to
deal with him again.

At the Bronx Academy of
Science, everyone's a nerd.

Thank god we're not going
to Tattaglia.

(crowd chatter)

Chris, wait.

What's wrong?

Chris, I've got bad news.

What?

Well, I just heard
from Mr. Perkins.

Unfortunately, your application
to the Bronx Academy was denied.

What?!
I thought this was settled.
What happened?

Well, as crazy as it may seem,

it turns out your father
really does have two jobs.

You're mother's not
a heroin addict.

She's even got a job.

And apparently,
you do own that house.

Your family's doing
far too well

for you to qualify
for financial aid.

Chris, why did you lie?

So what does
this mean?

I'm sorry, but it looks like

you're going to Tattaglia
after all.

But this isn't fair.

I know, but always
remember this.

When you get to the other side
of the river,

the streets of heaven
will be lined with gold

for you, me
and all God's chillins.

I was still in shock,

so I didn't have the presence
of mind

to smack her upside the head
and run.

Oh, man.

I know.

* Hey, if we can't solve
any problems *

So, what now?

This is it.

* Why do lose so many tears?

Oh, man.

I know.

* Oh, so you go again

But, you know,

we're gonna hang out
during the summer.

* When the leading man appears

Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

* Always the same theme

* But can't you see

* We've got everything
going on and on and on *

Hey, Greg?
* Every time you go away

Yeah?

Catch you later.

* You take a piece of me...

(thudding)

Sorry.

I couldn't let it go.

* Everybody hates Chris.