Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 1 - Everybody Hates Tattaglia - full transcript
Chris is relieved to find out that he is not the only black person at his new high school. However, he does run into problems because he is the only non-white student in his homeroom class, and the teacher can't stand him.
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---
High School changes everybody's life
After threyears at Corleone,
I went to Tattaglia High.
Now, I didn't know what
to expect when I got out,
but I knew what to expect
when I went in.
Get him!
White kids.
And these weren't your everyday
white kids.
They were bigger.
They were faster.
What the...?
They were stronger.
And they were sexier.
They had sexier backs.
They had sexier fronts.
Thank you, Lord.
I had been the only black kid
at my school for three years,
and I still wasn't ready
for what happened next...
Nothing!
Hey, you.
What?
How come you didn't punch me
a second ago?
I don't even know you.
That never stopped anyone
before.
What the hell's your problem?
In an ironic twist of fate,
I was about
to get my ass kicked
for expecting
to get my ass kicked.
Nothing. It's just I'm the only
black kid here. I thought...
What are you talking about?
You're not
the only black kid here.
Maybe the dumbest one,
but you're not the only one.
Finally, I thought
my troubles were over.
I wouldn't be
the only black kid on the bus.
Yo, back of the bus, lady.
I wouldn't be
the only black kid at lunch.
And for a change,
I wouldn't be the only black kid in my classes.
Maybe these are all black kids
wearing whiteface.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Chris.
Star of the new movie,
Guess Who's Coming to Homeroom.
Everybody Hates Chris Season 4 Episode 1
Capture:FRM@??ε
Sync:FRS@??ε updated by AMAURIZ?O
In a school that was
seven-percent Latino,
nine-percent black
and three-percent Asian,
I somehow ended up in a class
that was 99.9% white.
Everybody take a seat,
take a seat.
What are you
doing in here?
It's my class.
You're Mr. Thurman, right?
No, genius, I'm Mr. Magoo.
You don't belong in here.
Why not?
You're black, you're black.
You're the black guy.
I took a wrong turn
and ended up in South Africa.
What's that got to do
with anything?
You're gonna disturb my balance.
You're like Crispus Attucks
in the Boston Massacre.
Whatever happens in here,
good or bad,
we're all gonna end up
talking about you.
I'm doing it already
and I'm sick of it.
Listen here, Mr. Magoo,
I would love to leave, but...
I ain't got nowhere else
to go.
What's the matter? What are you,
what are you, Cuban?
Hmm? Go ahead, sit
down, sit down.
Don't touch anybody, huh?
And it's Thurman.
Magoo's a joke.
Hilarious.
No, no, not here.
You people like to march, right?
March your way to the back
of the class. Go ahead.
He was afraid I'd bring
the property value of his classroom down.
The hardest part about being
a black nerd
was that I didn't fit in
with anybody.
Not to mention,
before the Internet,
there were only two black
nerds-- me and this guy.
Officer, that's him!
Black translation: run!
Thank you, honey.
All right.
What wrong
with you, man?
That wasn't funny!
Dude, why'd you run?
You didn't do anything.
Tell that to Emmett Till.
I was scared.
All the white people think I look like every
black person on Earth.
I could go to jail
for anything
from a parking ticket
to throwing little baby Jessica down the well.
Dude, that didn't
even happen yet.
I'm just saying.
What you doing
down here?
We had a half day
I figured I'd try
and catch up with you.
Is that coat the attire
for the Bronx Academy?
Man, you wouldn't believe it.
I found the one place
on Earth where I'm not a nerd.
Where, in that coat?
The Bronx Academy.
I'm the the only one coming
from a public school.
I'm, like, the toughest
kid there.
Everyone's scared of me.
Scared of you
or scared of that coat?
This was the first time
Greg scared anyone outside of a spelling bee.
Is that blood
on that coat?
Yeah. Cohuh?
No.
Don't worry.
It's not mine.
Not your blood
or not your coat?
Yes and yes.
Want some cash?
You kidding me?
Take it, man. I can
get more tomorrow.
Greg was like an ATM machine
with acne.
So how's it over here?
Same old, same old.
I start my day like I always did
for the past three years:
room full of white people.
Hang in there, man.
If there's anying
I can do for you,
you let me know.
Got any more of them coats?
Sorry. I'll catch you later.
While I dealt
with my new school,
my mother dealt
with her own hairy situation.
Hey, Mom,
what happened
to your hair?
That is not the way you give
a woman a compliment, Drew.
I wasn't giving
a compliment,
I was just trying to find out what happened.
Whatever happened,
it looks nice.
What did happen?
Nothing happened!
Something happened
all the hair on the right side of
your head is missing.
Maybe aliens came and
cut it so they could
put a probe in your ear.
I do not have a probe in my ear.
You sure?
It's called an
"asymmetrical bob."
Sounds alien to me!
I got it done at Vanessa's shop.
Wait, I thought it was
Pam's shop.
Vanessa hit the number
and bought Pam out.
Yeah, now I'm the new manar.
What happened
to your old job?
Something that hadn't happened
in a long time.
I do not need this, okay?!
My man has two jobs!
Two jobs equals one finger.
What you reading, baby?
After Tonya's crush
on Billy Ocean ended,
she got a new oneon
one of the top movie starsof the time,
Danny Glover.
Danny Glover?
Didn't he play Benson?
No, no, that was
Robert Guillaume.
Danny Glover played the father
on Good Times.
No, no, that's John Amos.
Danny Glover was Chicken George.
No, that's Ben Vereen.
Danny Glover's the voice
of Darth Vader.
No, that's James Earl Jones.
Danny Glover played "Mister"
in The Color Purple.
ALL:
Oh...
I thought
that was Whoopi Goldberg.
His next movie is with some
white guy named Mel Gibson.
Drew, what are you doing?
Looking for a job.
Since I'm 13, I figured I'd start working
and make some real money.
Well, you just remember,
for now,
school is your first job.
There's nothing wrong with
looking for your second job.
If Drew gets a job,
can I have his allowance?
No.
No.
No.
So, how was school?
Horrible.
Fine.
How was your
first day, Drew?
Fine.
His "fine" and my "fine"
were two different "fines."
And they did that for Drew
every single day.
Daddy, I wanted
to ask you something.
Yes, baby?
Can I get a job?
This has been the happiest moment of my father's life
My baby wants a job!
Get off of my
car, fool!
I don't see why not.
I don't know, baby.
You're only 12.
You're a little too young
to be working.
But Chris had a job
when he was 12.
I had a job wh I was two.
Well, go do your homework,
and we'll talk about it
in the morning.
What?
What?
I don't want Tonya working.
She's still a little girl.
This will be good for her.
She'll be learning
responsibility
and plus, she'll be making
a little money.
What he really meant was...
She'll be making money.
She'll be making money.
She'll be making money
and she'll be making money!
Well, where are we supposed
to find her a job?
She can work at
the beauty shop
with you.
She could
sweep up here.
I don't want
her breathing
those chemicals.
She can wear
a mask.
When is she supposed
to do her homework?
When she's not sweeping.
What if she hears something
she's not supposed to?
Don't tell me.
You really want her to work that bad?
Yes!
No, but it's not me, it's her.
Fine.
Sweep up those crumbs.
Tonya wants to work.
Let her do it.
To get out
from under Mr. Thurman,
I decided to go straight
to the top.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God! Chris!
It'd be 20 yearsbefore another
woman had that reaction.
Miss Morello,
you're the principal?
How'd you end up here?
You wouldn't believe it.
I hate this school!
I hate these kids!
And every last one of you
can kiss my white...
As luck would have it,
I ended up doing the same
thing over aCorleone.
Only topless.
So I took the job here.
Come, come, come, sit.
So, what can
I do for you?
I need to change homerooms.
Oh, what's the problem?
Mr. Thurman hates me.
Everyone does. It's in
the title of the show, dummy.
I'm tired of being around
only white kids all the time.
Doesn't bother Michael Jackson.
Chris, I thought you'd like
that room.
That's why
I had you placed there.
You put me in that class?
Yes, but if I had known
you were a racist...
No, I'm not a racist.
Well, I don't hear any of
the white kids
complaining about being around you.
It's hard to talk
when you're wearing a hood.
And I think
that's mighty white of them.
While I regain my composure,
Let's have a word from our sponsors
Before I strangled her,
I wanted to know
why she did what she did.
Chris, when I saw your
name on the register,
I thought, if you
hadn't gotten shot,
ended up slinging rock,
or become a baby daddy
over the summer,
that you'd want
to get back to
something you knew.
Yeah. I know black kids,
Asians, Latinos.
So why can't I be
in the homeroom with them?
Chris, the black boys
are all in gangs,
the girls are all bougie,
and don't even get me started
on the Puerto Ricans.
Boriqua? What is that?
What have you got against
white people anyway?
Oh, you'llind out.
Nothing. I just don't want
to start every day
in a roomful of people
who hate me.
Tell you what.
If you can find
a black friend,
or a group of people
that you can fit in with
that aren't all white,
I'll put you in
a new homeroom.
Serious?
As a heart attack.
If I'm lucky, maybe
you'll have one before me.
While I had a job to do,
my sister was going toork.
Now, you remember what
I told you, Tonya, right?
What happens in the beauty shop
stays in the beauty shop.
That's my girl.
Women need to know this is a place
where they can come and say anything they want.
Got it.
Like every white basketball
player who makes the NBA,
I had a tough job ahead of me:
I had to find black friends.
I tried black guys.
Uh... man, where
you get those clothes?
Looking like page 32
of the Sears catalog.
Hey, where's your football?
Page 49.
I tried
tender-headed black girls.
Stupid!
I even tried
the Black Student Union.
You've been hoodwinked!
You've been had!
You've been took! You've been
leastray! Run amok!
You have been bamboozled!
Hey! Get your hand
out of my pocket!
Rest in peace, Talcum X.
When my mother told Tonya
she could say
anything she wanted,
Tonya took her at her word.
Did you dye your hair blond
or did you dye your eyebrows black?
Your perm looks nice,
but what's wrong
with your toenails?
Should you be using food stamps
to pay for this?
Vanessa, you need to
talk to that little girl.
You think I don't
know I got a mole?
Holy moley!
I know I got a mole.
Does your mole know
about your mustache?
What? Gloria, it a minute!
Tonya.
What?
I hate these guys!
I frickin' hate them!
All of them!
Why did I ever take this job?
You have to be crazy,
have no friends, no prospects,
and no reason to believe that
your life could be any better
than to be tormented
and hated every day!
Sounds like the perfect job
for me.
I quit!
Football team manager
was a horrible job,
but if it was going to get
me away from Mr. Thurman,
I'd work for the devil himself.
What's going on out here?
You're the coach?
Make that
the white devil himself.
I had a dilemma.
To get out of Thurman's
homeroom,
I had to get into
his locker room.
What are you, the
one-man march? Hmm?
You going to integrate every room I'm in,
whether I like it or not?
I'm here to apply
for team manager.
At least the locker room
wasn't all white.
Hi, Dickerson.
How's your ankle?
It's good.
Who's this?
That's Chris.
He wants to be the new team manager.
team manager.What happened to that
skinny white dude?
He quit.
Hey...
There you go.
And don't be putting
no bleach in my drawers.
I'm allergic.
Who's that?
That's Walter Dickerson,
our star running black.
"Back."
Hmm? Huh? What? What?
Nothing.
Give me one good reason why I should let
you be team manager.
Because the last guy quit.
Because I'm
the only one here.
Don't be a smartass.
Can I ask you a question?
What'shat?
Is Dickerson the only
black player on the team?
Oh, for God's sake!
Now you want to get
on the team, too?
What do you want to be?
A jockstrap?
I guess you're just going
to black your way through life.
Is that right?
It didn't work
for Jesse Jackson,
and it's not going
to work for you.
Actually, it worked
for both of us.
Let me tell you something.
If you're going
to be around me,
you need to
understand something.
I don't like people.
You forgot to say "black."
Because people are idiots.
They don't read, they don't
think, and they're lazy.
If they can find an easier
way to do something,
they'll take it every time.
White people didn't have slaves
because they're racist.
Yes, they did.
They did it
because they're lazy.
Lazyracists!
If they had gotten
off their butts and picked their own damn cotton,
they wouldn't have had
to shoot Dr. King.
He's dead because
white people are lazy!
And what do we do
to honor him?
We take a damn day off work.
I'm sick of it!
You want to get along withe,
don't be lazy.
(thud)
Or black.
4:00. Be there. Every day.
And don't be late.
You understand?
And you're not
getting on this team.
Thanks for the job, Coach!
While I talked my way
into a job,
Tonya talked her way
out of one.
You gotta fire Tonya.
Vanessa, let me
talk to her first.
Rochelle,
I don't have time for that.
I'm losing more customers
than a Muslim rib shack.
Ah salaam a lick 'em!
She broke up two marriages,
she outed Jerome's uncle,
and she told Gloria
about her mole.
She told Gloria
about her mole?
Oh, Lord! Not the mole!
Everybody knows how sensitive
Gloria is about that mole.
She ain't say nothing
about her mustache, did she?
She didn't have to.
Oh! Oh, Vanessa...
Rochelle, either you fire her or
I'm going to have to fire you.
Since me and Miss Morello
had a deal,
it was time to pay the piper.
Great. Thanks.
Well, Chris,
you did it.
I thought you had about
as much chance of working with the football team
as Boy George does of joining
Quiet Riot, but you did it!
And oddly enough,
so did Boy George.
Walter, I didn't
mean to doubt you.
I just had to make sure
Chris wasn't trying
to run game on me.
That's cool. So can I go?
Well, I guess. Yeah. Sure.
So you going to ve me
to a new homeroom?
A deal is a deal.
While my future was looking up,
Tonya's was going
down the drain.
I'm fired? How come?
I swept up all the hair,
I cleaned out the shampoo bowls,
I even picked up
those nasty toenail clippings.
It's not that, Tonya.
You know how
I told you that women need
to be able to say anything in the beauty salon?
Yes.
Well, baby,
there is a difference
between saying anything
and saying everything.
So I'm getting fired
for being honest?
It happened to Don Imus.
It could happen you.
I'm sorry, but yes.
You know what?
I don't need this mess!
My father has two jobs!
Deja vu.
My mother would have snatched
the naps out of Tonya's head,
but at that moment,
she was just too proud.
My new homeroom was a war zone
with no general in charge.
Okay, settle down.
You just going
to sit there?
What do you want me to do?
I'm a teacher, not riot control.
We need a Morgan Freeman
with a bat!
You could
say something.
I said, "Settle down."
You got a better idea?
Rubber bullets?
Yeah. You could...
After five minutes
in my new homeroom,
I learned being
in a class with Mr. Thurmanwould require character.
Being in a class without him
required stitches.
Chris, I'm not
doing this again.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
All right.
Jameson? Jackson? Jones?
Here!
Here!
What the hell you doing back in here?
I thought I
was done with you.
I asked Miss Morello
if I could come back.
For what? You wanted out.
I wanted you out. You're out.
Your work here is done.
Come on, get the hell
out of here. Go, go.
No. I'm staying.
Why?
See, if we're gonna be working
together,
why should I avoid you?
So whatever you got,
bring it.
I might as well get used to it.
Translation:
You might not like me,
but those other guys
tried to kill me.
What are you,
special, hmm?
A big-shot?
Don't you eye-ball me.
I eye-ball you.
Sit down.
Aah!
Up front.
You wanted my
attention, you got it!
I'll deal with that.
Coming into Tattaglia, I
thought I would stand out
because I was the
only black kid.
But all I was was
just another teenager.
If I wanted people to notice me,
I was actuallygoing to have to do something
worth noticing.
Not quite what I had in mind.
Caruso? What are you doing here?
I'm knocking you on the floor,
Bumpy. What's it look like?
There's so many blacks here now,
I almost didn't recognize you.
Well, feel free
to punch one of them.
That's okay.
But thanks for the offer.
Welcome to Tattaglia.
---
High School changes everybody's life
After threyears at Corleone,
I went to Tattaglia High.
Now, I didn't know what
to expect when I got out,
but I knew what to expect
when I went in.
Get him!
White kids.
And these weren't your everyday
white kids.
They were bigger.
They were faster.
What the...?
They were stronger.
And they were sexier.
They had sexier backs.
They had sexier fronts.
Thank you, Lord.
I had been the only black kid
at my school for three years,
and I still wasn't ready
for what happened next...
Nothing!
Hey, you.
What?
How come you didn't punch me
a second ago?
I don't even know you.
That never stopped anyone
before.
What the hell's your problem?
In an ironic twist of fate,
I was about
to get my ass kicked
for expecting
to get my ass kicked.
Nothing. It's just I'm the only
black kid here. I thought...
What are you talking about?
You're not
the only black kid here.
Maybe the dumbest one,
but you're not the only one.
Finally, I thought
my troubles were over.
I wouldn't be
the only black kid on the bus.
Yo, back of the bus, lady.
I wouldn't be
the only black kid at lunch.
And for a change,
I wouldn't be the only black kid in my classes.
Maybe these are all black kids
wearing whiteface.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Chris.
Star of the new movie,
Guess Who's Coming to Homeroom.
Everybody Hates Chris Season 4 Episode 1
Capture:FRM@??ε
Sync:FRS@??ε updated by AMAURIZ?O
In a school that was
seven-percent Latino,
nine-percent black
and three-percent Asian,
I somehow ended up in a class
that was 99.9% white.
Everybody take a seat,
take a seat.
What are you
doing in here?
It's my class.
You're Mr. Thurman, right?
No, genius, I'm Mr. Magoo.
You don't belong in here.
Why not?
You're black, you're black.
You're the black guy.
I took a wrong turn
and ended up in South Africa.
What's that got to do
with anything?
You're gonna disturb my balance.
You're like Crispus Attucks
in the Boston Massacre.
Whatever happens in here,
good or bad,
we're all gonna end up
talking about you.
I'm doing it already
and I'm sick of it.
Listen here, Mr. Magoo,
I would love to leave, but...
I ain't got nowhere else
to go.
What's the matter? What are you,
what are you, Cuban?
Hmm? Go ahead, sit
down, sit down.
Don't touch anybody, huh?
And it's Thurman.
Magoo's a joke.
Hilarious.
No, no, not here.
You people like to march, right?
March your way to the back
of the class. Go ahead.
He was afraid I'd bring
the property value of his classroom down.
The hardest part about being
a black nerd
was that I didn't fit in
with anybody.
Not to mention,
before the Internet,
there were only two black
nerds-- me and this guy.
Officer, that's him!
Black translation: run!
Thank you, honey.
All right.
What wrong
with you, man?
That wasn't funny!
Dude, why'd you run?
You didn't do anything.
Tell that to Emmett Till.
I was scared.
All the white people think I look like every
black person on Earth.
I could go to jail
for anything
from a parking ticket
to throwing little baby Jessica down the well.
Dude, that didn't
even happen yet.
I'm just saying.
What you doing
down here?
We had a half day
I figured I'd try
and catch up with you.
Is that coat the attire
for the Bronx Academy?
Man, you wouldn't believe it.
I found the one place
on Earth where I'm not a nerd.
Where, in that coat?
The Bronx Academy.
I'm the the only one coming
from a public school.
I'm, like, the toughest
kid there.
Everyone's scared of me.
Scared of you
or scared of that coat?
This was the first time
Greg scared anyone outside of a spelling bee.
Is that blood
on that coat?
Yeah. Cohuh?
No.
Don't worry.
It's not mine.
Not your blood
or not your coat?
Yes and yes.
Want some cash?
You kidding me?
Take it, man. I can
get more tomorrow.
Greg was like an ATM machine
with acne.
So how's it over here?
Same old, same old.
I start my day like I always did
for the past three years:
room full of white people.
Hang in there, man.
If there's anying
I can do for you,
you let me know.
Got any more of them coats?
Sorry. I'll catch you later.
While I dealt
with my new school,
my mother dealt
with her own hairy situation.
Hey, Mom,
what happened
to your hair?
That is not the way you give
a woman a compliment, Drew.
I wasn't giving
a compliment,
I was just trying to find out what happened.
Whatever happened,
it looks nice.
What did happen?
Nothing happened!
Something happened
all the hair on the right side of
your head is missing.
Maybe aliens came and
cut it so they could
put a probe in your ear.
I do not have a probe in my ear.
You sure?
It's called an
"asymmetrical bob."
Sounds alien to me!
I got it done at Vanessa's shop.
Wait, I thought it was
Pam's shop.
Vanessa hit the number
and bought Pam out.
Yeah, now I'm the new manar.
What happened
to your old job?
Something that hadn't happened
in a long time.
I do not need this, okay?!
My man has two jobs!
Two jobs equals one finger.
What you reading, baby?
After Tonya's crush
on Billy Ocean ended,
she got a new oneon
one of the top movie starsof the time,
Danny Glover.
Danny Glover?
Didn't he play Benson?
No, no, that was
Robert Guillaume.
Danny Glover played the father
on Good Times.
No, no, that's John Amos.
Danny Glover was Chicken George.
No, that's Ben Vereen.
Danny Glover's the voice
of Darth Vader.
No, that's James Earl Jones.
Danny Glover played "Mister"
in The Color Purple.
ALL:
Oh...
I thought
that was Whoopi Goldberg.
His next movie is with some
white guy named Mel Gibson.
Drew, what are you doing?
Looking for a job.
Since I'm 13, I figured I'd start working
and make some real money.
Well, you just remember,
for now,
school is your first job.
There's nothing wrong with
looking for your second job.
If Drew gets a job,
can I have his allowance?
No.
No.
No.
So, how was school?
Horrible.
Fine.
How was your
first day, Drew?
Fine.
His "fine" and my "fine"
were two different "fines."
And they did that for Drew
every single day.
Daddy, I wanted
to ask you something.
Yes, baby?
Can I get a job?
This has been the happiest moment of my father's life
My baby wants a job!
Get off of my
car, fool!
I don't see why not.
I don't know, baby.
You're only 12.
You're a little too young
to be working.
But Chris had a job
when he was 12.
I had a job wh I was two.
Well, go do your homework,
and we'll talk about it
in the morning.
What?
What?
I don't want Tonya working.
She's still a little girl.
This will be good for her.
She'll be learning
responsibility
and plus, she'll be making
a little money.
What he really meant was...
She'll be making money.
She'll be making money.
She'll be making money
and she'll be making money!
Well, where are we supposed
to find her a job?
She can work at
the beauty shop
with you.
She could
sweep up here.
I don't want
her breathing
those chemicals.
She can wear
a mask.
When is she supposed
to do her homework?
When she's not sweeping.
What if she hears something
she's not supposed to?
Don't tell me.
You really want her to work that bad?
Yes!
No, but it's not me, it's her.
Fine.
Sweep up those crumbs.
Tonya wants to work.
Let her do it.
To get out
from under Mr. Thurman,
I decided to go straight
to the top.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God! Chris!
It'd be 20 yearsbefore another
woman had that reaction.
Miss Morello,
you're the principal?
How'd you end up here?
You wouldn't believe it.
I hate this school!
I hate these kids!
And every last one of you
can kiss my white...
As luck would have it,
I ended up doing the same
thing over aCorleone.
Only topless.
So I took the job here.
Come, come, come, sit.
So, what can
I do for you?
I need to change homerooms.
Oh, what's the problem?
Mr. Thurman hates me.
Everyone does. It's in
the title of the show, dummy.
I'm tired of being around
only white kids all the time.
Doesn't bother Michael Jackson.
Chris, I thought you'd like
that room.
That's why
I had you placed there.
You put me in that class?
Yes, but if I had known
you were a racist...
No, I'm not a racist.
Well, I don't hear any of
the white kids
complaining about being around you.
It's hard to talk
when you're wearing a hood.
And I think
that's mighty white of them.
While I regain my composure,
Let's have a word from our sponsors
Before I strangled her,
I wanted to know
why she did what she did.
Chris, when I saw your
name on the register,
I thought, if you
hadn't gotten shot,
ended up slinging rock,
or become a baby daddy
over the summer,
that you'd want
to get back to
something you knew.
Yeah. I know black kids,
Asians, Latinos.
So why can't I be
in the homeroom with them?
Chris, the black boys
are all in gangs,
the girls are all bougie,
and don't even get me started
on the Puerto Ricans.
Boriqua? What is that?
What have you got against
white people anyway?
Oh, you'llind out.
Nothing. I just don't want
to start every day
in a roomful of people
who hate me.
Tell you what.
If you can find
a black friend,
or a group of people
that you can fit in with
that aren't all white,
I'll put you in
a new homeroom.
Serious?
As a heart attack.
If I'm lucky, maybe
you'll have one before me.
While I had a job to do,
my sister was going toork.
Now, you remember what
I told you, Tonya, right?
What happens in the beauty shop
stays in the beauty shop.
That's my girl.
Women need to know this is a place
where they can come and say anything they want.
Got it.
Like every white basketball
player who makes the NBA,
I had a tough job ahead of me:
I had to find black friends.
I tried black guys.
Uh... man, where
you get those clothes?
Looking like page 32
of the Sears catalog.
Hey, where's your football?
Page 49.
I tried
tender-headed black girls.
Stupid!
I even tried
the Black Student Union.
You've been hoodwinked!
You've been had!
You've been took! You've been
leastray! Run amok!
You have been bamboozled!
Hey! Get your hand
out of my pocket!
Rest in peace, Talcum X.
When my mother told Tonya
she could say
anything she wanted,
Tonya took her at her word.
Did you dye your hair blond
or did you dye your eyebrows black?
Your perm looks nice,
but what's wrong
with your toenails?
Should you be using food stamps
to pay for this?
Vanessa, you need to
talk to that little girl.
You think I don't
know I got a mole?
Holy moley!
I know I got a mole.
Does your mole know
about your mustache?
What? Gloria, it a minute!
Tonya.
What?
I hate these guys!
I frickin' hate them!
All of them!
Why did I ever take this job?
You have to be crazy,
have no friends, no prospects,
and no reason to believe that
your life could be any better
than to be tormented
and hated every day!
Sounds like the perfect job
for me.
I quit!
Football team manager
was a horrible job,
but if it was going to get
me away from Mr. Thurman,
I'd work for the devil himself.
What's going on out here?
You're the coach?
Make that
the white devil himself.
I had a dilemma.
To get out of Thurman's
homeroom,
I had to get into
his locker room.
What are you, the
one-man march? Hmm?
You going to integrate every room I'm in,
whether I like it or not?
I'm here to apply
for team manager.
At least the locker room
wasn't all white.
Hi, Dickerson.
How's your ankle?
It's good.
Who's this?
That's Chris.
He wants to be the new team manager.
team manager.What happened to that
skinny white dude?
He quit.
Hey...
There you go.
And don't be putting
no bleach in my drawers.
I'm allergic.
Who's that?
That's Walter Dickerson,
our star running black.
"Back."
Hmm? Huh? What? What?
Nothing.
Give me one good reason why I should let
you be team manager.
Because the last guy quit.
Because I'm
the only one here.
Don't be a smartass.
Can I ask you a question?
What'shat?
Is Dickerson the only
black player on the team?
Oh, for God's sake!
Now you want to get
on the team, too?
What do you want to be?
A jockstrap?
I guess you're just going
to black your way through life.
Is that right?
It didn't work
for Jesse Jackson,
and it's not going
to work for you.
Actually, it worked
for both of us.
Let me tell you something.
If you're going
to be around me,
you need to
understand something.
I don't like people.
You forgot to say "black."
Because people are idiots.
They don't read, they don't
think, and they're lazy.
If they can find an easier
way to do something,
they'll take it every time.
White people didn't have slaves
because they're racist.
Yes, they did.
They did it
because they're lazy.
Lazyracists!
If they had gotten
off their butts and picked their own damn cotton,
they wouldn't have had
to shoot Dr. King.
He's dead because
white people are lazy!
And what do we do
to honor him?
We take a damn day off work.
I'm sick of it!
You want to get along withe,
don't be lazy.
(thud)
Or black.
4:00. Be there. Every day.
And don't be late.
You understand?
And you're not
getting on this team.
Thanks for the job, Coach!
While I talked my way
into a job,
Tonya talked her way
out of one.
You gotta fire Tonya.
Vanessa, let me
talk to her first.
Rochelle,
I don't have time for that.
I'm losing more customers
than a Muslim rib shack.
Ah salaam a lick 'em!
She broke up two marriages,
she outed Jerome's uncle,
and she told Gloria
about her mole.
She told Gloria
about her mole?
Oh, Lord! Not the mole!
Everybody knows how sensitive
Gloria is about that mole.
She ain't say nothing
about her mustache, did she?
She didn't have to.
Oh! Oh, Vanessa...
Rochelle, either you fire her or
I'm going to have to fire you.
Since me and Miss Morello
had a deal,
it was time to pay the piper.
Great. Thanks.
Well, Chris,
you did it.
I thought you had about
as much chance of working with the football team
as Boy George does of joining
Quiet Riot, but you did it!
And oddly enough,
so did Boy George.
Walter, I didn't
mean to doubt you.
I just had to make sure
Chris wasn't trying
to run game on me.
That's cool. So can I go?
Well, I guess. Yeah. Sure.
So you going to ve me
to a new homeroom?
A deal is a deal.
While my future was looking up,
Tonya's was going
down the drain.
I'm fired? How come?
I swept up all the hair,
I cleaned out the shampoo bowls,
I even picked up
those nasty toenail clippings.
It's not that, Tonya.
You know how
I told you that women need
to be able to say anything in the beauty salon?
Yes.
Well, baby,
there is a difference
between saying anything
and saying everything.
So I'm getting fired
for being honest?
It happened to Don Imus.
It could happen you.
I'm sorry, but yes.
You know what?
I don't need this mess!
My father has two jobs!
Deja vu.
My mother would have snatched
the naps out of Tonya's head,
but at that moment,
she was just too proud.
My new homeroom was a war zone
with no general in charge.
Okay, settle down.
You just going
to sit there?
What do you want me to do?
I'm a teacher, not riot control.
We need a Morgan Freeman
with a bat!
You could
say something.
I said, "Settle down."
You got a better idea?
Rubber bullets?
Yeah. You could...
After five minutes
in my new homeroom,
I learned being
in a class with Mr. Thurmanwould require character.
Being in a class without him
required stitches.
Chris, I'm not
doing this again.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
All right.
Jameson? Jackson? Jones?
Here!
Here!
What the hell you doing back in here?
I thought I
was done with you.
I asked Miss Morello
if I could come back.
For what? You wanted out.
I wanted you out. You're out.
Your work here is done.
Come on, get the hell
out of here. Go, go.
No. I'm staying.
Why?
See, if we're gonna be working
together,
why should I avoid you?
So whatever you got,
bring it.
I might as well get used to it.
Translation:
You might not like me,
but those other guys
tried to kill me.
What are you,
special, hmm?
A big-shot?
Don't you eye-ball me.
I eye-ball you.
Sit down.
Aah!
Up front.
You wanted my
attention, you got it!
I'll deal with that.
Coming into Tattaglia, I
thought I would stand out
because I was the
only black kid.
But all I was was
just another teenager.
If I wanted people to notice me,
I was actuallygoing to have to do something
worth noticing.
Not quite what I had in mind.
Caruso? What are you doing here?
I'm knocking you on the floor,
Bumpy. What's it look like?
There's so many blacks here now,
I almost didn't recognize you.
Well, feel free
to punch one of them.
That's okay.
But thanks for the offer.
Welcome to Tattaglia.