Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 21 - Everybody Hates Mother's Day - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
In my house,
the most important holiday
of the year was Mother's Day.
You'd think
it would be Christmas,
and it might have been
if Jesus cleaned our house
and cooked our meals.
Oh, wow!
That smells good.
Who wants meat loaf?
Have you thought about what
you want for Mother's Day, Mom?
Well, you kids cleaning up
the house, that would be nice.
We tried that when
you sprained your shoulder.
Remember? It didn't go too well.
It went well for you, lazy.
Hey, Dad, what you
getting Mom for Mother's Day?
Me? Why should I get anything?
It's Mother's Day,
not Wife's Day.
What?
Um... maybe some flowers.
I wanted to get my mother
something nice,
because all I could think of
was how much she sacrificed.
She sacrificed at home.
Okay, who wants pizza?!
And she sacrificed
in the streets.
Thanks for your coat, Mama.
That's okay, baby.
I... I like the cold.
You know what, you guys?
You don't have
to get me anything.
You give me such
great gifts every year.
No, we don't.
We just make you some
stupid gift out of macaroni.
My macaroni oven mitts
were not stupid.
Yeah, you're right.
They weren't nearly as stupid
as your macaroni hot comb.
Shut up.
Or your macaroni macaroni bowl.
TONYA:
Hey, you shut up, too.
CHRIS:
Get out of my
voice-over booth, woman.
Save that for the show
Everybody Hates Tonya.
TONYA:
Whatever.
Okay, fine.
You know what I really want?
I want that.
TV ANNOUNCER:
...comes a sensual power.
Pour it on,
and let its rich aroma
bathe and soothe your senses,
engulf you with the memory
of youth.
Explosive.
WOMAN:
Available exclusively
at Goldstein's Department Store.
(celestial theme playing)
You want some doves?
I think she wants angel wings.
No, no, no. She wants champagne.
An exploding chandelier?
No, you guys.
I want Pure Voodoo!
ALL:
Oh!
CHRIS:
That stuff looks expensive.
Well, you asked me
what I wanted.
I knew right then I had to get
that perfume for Mother's Day.
I was just glad it wasn't
a commercial for a Cadillac.
* Ah, make it funky now.
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
Hey, check out what I made
for my mom for Mother's Day.
Macaroni pajamas.
Don't you think
you're a little bit too old
to be making macaroni presents?
When Greg got engaged,
he gave his fiancée
a piece of rigatoni.
So what are you getting your mom
for Mother's Day?
Oh. Pure Voodoo.
Isn't that stuff expensive?
It's only, like, 40 bucks.
40 bucks!
You can buy a car with that.
Actually, in my neighborhood,
you could.
(brakes squealing)
(sirens approaching)
I'll sell you this car
for 40 bucks.
50!
(laughing):
Sold.
(sirens wailing)
That's a lot of money.
Yeah, but my mom's
really worth it.
I mean, she works,
she cooks, she cleans.
And what do I
ever do for her?
Besides, I think
it's finally time
to show her how
appreciative I am.
I hope my mom
appreciates my gift.
Now I just have to figure out
what cell block she's on.
Did you try Bellevue?
While I was planning
my expensive surprise,
Tonya was finding the cheapest
Mother's Day gift ever.
Daddy... Mama...
"The Columbian Record
and Tape Club"?
"Resident"?
In our house,
everybody was allowed
to open mail addressed
to "Resident."
(gasps)
Eight records for one penny?
I can get Mama a present,
and myself something, too.
Aw, this is nice.
Meanwhile, Drew was looking
to turn old junk
into a new present.
What's all this, Drew?
I'm gonna sell some stuff
so I can get some extra money
to buy Mom's present.
I thought you
had money saved up.
I did, but that was my
"running of the bulls" money.
Duh!
Drew, this stuff is junk.
What is this, anyway?
That's my Voltron.
Voltron? Well, put it
on the six-month rule.
What's that?
If you haven't used it
in six months, get rid of it.
If that was the case, he'd have
to get rid of all his money.
After you get
this stuff cleaned up,
I'll give you
five dollars.
Cool!
The problem with going
to department stores
is every time
a black person enters,
they get followed.
It didn't matter if you were
a baby wearing diapers...
She's on the move.
...or a senior citizen
wearing diapers.
She's on the roll.
Or even one of their own.
He's on the move.
What do you mean,
I'm on the move?
I work here.
Sorry.
Force of habit.
What's wrong with you, man?
Ah. May I help you?
Yes. I'm here to buy
the Pure Voodoo
for Mother's Day.
The eau de toilette
or the perfume?
Which one is $40?
The eau de toilette.
I'll take it.
Sorry. We're all out.
She did that on purpose.
It's Mother's Day.
You want to buy something cheap,
you have to start early.
Okay. What about that bottle?
Oh, that's not eau de toilette.
This is the Pure Voodoo perfume.
What's the difference?
The perfume contains up
to 20% more aromatic compounds
than the eau de toilette,
and is classified
by olfactive family,
though it does not exist
as a true, singular
aromatic material,
whereas the eau de toilette
contains up to five to ten...
You can see the rest
of this 20-minute speech
But here's the important part:
How much is it?
$180.
$180?
I'm assuming
you don't have that.
No!
Excuse me.
Mother's Day was two days away,
and I was up the creek
without a present.
But I knew my mother
would understand.
* I want one moment in time...
Or maybe not.
* When I'm more than
I thought I could be... *
My mother had done things
for me she didn't want to do,
so I figured it was time
I return the favor.
* ...a heartbeat away,
and the answers... *
Of course, my mother
didn't do anything
that would get her locked up.
* Give me one moment
in time... *
Hold it right
there, son.
Situation in Cosmetics.
Either he really thought
I was his son,
or I was in big trouble.
Choosing to shoplift was the
worst decision I had ever made.
Even a Turkish prison
would be nice
compared to what
my mother would do
if she found out I stole.
(screaming)
ROCHELLE:
Chris!
Boy, where you at?!
My mother's coming! Kill me now!
Kill me now!
Kill me now!
Well, I might be able to keep
you from going to jail
if you tell me what else
you've stolen from our store.
Nothing. I swear,
I've never stolen anything else
from this store
or anywhere else in my life.
Oh, really?
Are you telling me
this isn't you in this picture?
No. That's Lionel Ritchie.
Looks like you to me.
He wouldn't know Lionel Ritchie
from Lionel Jefferson.
Sir, please. I'm not a criminal.
Not a successful one, anyway.
Okay, I admit I was thinking
about taking the perfume.
I just wanted to get
something nice for my mother.
Then I realized
how stupid it was,
and was I about to put it back.
I'm sorry.
All right, I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.
Instead of sending you to jail,
I'm going to put your picture
up on our Wall of Shame.
What's that?
All these people have either
shoplifted,
passed bad checks,
or are named Kill Moves.
Now, say, "Cheese."
Cheese?
We have a two-strike policy
here at Goldstein's.
If we catch you here again,
that is strike two,
and you go to jail.
Goldstein's was ahead
of its time,
but one strike short.
I looked like a senator
caught in a bathroom.
What are you doing?
Trying to figure out
what to buy Mom
for Mother's Day.
(TV blaring)
I know what I'm getting her.
And it's barely
costing me anything.
What? A paper bag for your head,
so she won't have
to see your ugly face?
No. And, just for that,
I'm not telling you what it is.
MAN (on TV):
What have we got next
on the table, Donnie?
Holy cow, Lonnie!
I don't believe my eyes.
It's a V-V-V-Voltron!
Hey, don't you
have one of those?
I did, but Dad made
me get rid of it.
These guys are stupid.
A Voltron's not
worth anything.
They were less than $20.
But, due to high demand
and limited supply...
These babies
can be worth
up to $150!
What's worth $150!
He looks like that guy
that lives next door.
He was fabulous.
Back at school,
I was out of hot water,
but Greg thought it was cool.
I can't believe you
almost got arrested.
You're gonna get
so much street cred.
I don't need street cred;
I need a Mother's Day gift.
Well, it's
not too late
to still make her
something out of macaroni.
Hey. You're
that black kid.
Yeah. Where did you come from?
Brooklyn. By way of Palermo.
Anyway, I overheard
your conversation.
You need a Mother's Day gift?
Yeah. I'm looking
for Pure Voodoo.
Ooh! There goes
the college fund, huh?
But I got a guy can help you.
Really?
Yeah. Five bucks.
Wait. He has the perfume
for five dollars?
No.
It's five bucks for the info.
Oh. Well, better be good.
Yeah, see, the only thing is
he lives in a really,
really bad neighborhood.
I don't even dare
go there myself.
Where is that?
Bed Stuy.
Are you telling me
I just paid you five dollars
so that you could tell me
to go see Risky?
So I guess I'm not
gonna get another five
out of you for the directions.
Oh, yeah, I got the latest
designer imposter perfumes.
Yeah. I've got
Chanel No. 45.
Huh?
Calvin Klein's Depression,
Revlon's Chucky...
Do you have Pure Voodoo?
Do I have Pure Voodoo?
Look at that. Pah-dow!
Wow, does this smell
like the original?
Same smell, same
bottle, same box.
An exact replica right
down to the letter.
And it's only $20.
Great. I'll take it.
Yo, for five dollars extra,
you can get this Ewing
cologne for Father's Day.
Hmm? It's the official
scent of Patrick Ewing.
Before or after the game?
No thanks.
(chuckles)
(sniffs)
While I was making
a fake purchase,
Drew and my dad were on the
hunt for their pot of gold.
After we get
the Voltron back,
maybe I can find a
gift for Mom in here.
Good idea.
'Cause everything
in here is dirt cheap.
Can I help you?
What are these?
Shoulder pads.
Aw. This is fantastic!
Mom will love it.
She will?
She's your mother,
not Lawrence Taylor.
Yeah. How much?
One dollar.
Sold.
Wow, that's cheap.
Maybe I can find something
to put the flowers in.
Oh, I have this...
(pronouncing "vahse"): vase.
Is that anything like a vase?
That's nice.
How much?
$50.
$50?
Yeah.
You see, people
throw stuff away--
they have no idea
that it's valuable.
They're stupid.
Speaking of which--
we came here to buy
that Voltron action figure
we dropped off
the other day.
Yeah, it's worth
a lot of...
Memories.
It's worth a lot
of memories to my boy.
Yeah, 150 of them.
Even though it's
totally worthless,
right, son?
Right, Dad.
Oh, it's not here.
Everything that gets
dropped off,
goes to the defumigation unit
first.
You cannot believe
how nasty
some of the stuff is
people give us.
Voltron hadn't taken
a shower in years.
Are you going to be
getting it back?
Well, after things
get cleaned,
they get sorted, logged
and distributed.
It'll either be here or at one
of our other stores.
You could check back
in a couple of days.
One dollar.
Thank you.
Do you take coupons?
My father was getting
the blues,
but Tonya was singing
a whole different tune.
Billy Ocean Unplugged
for me.
Billy Ocean Filipino Queen
for me...
Billy Ocean Live at the
Pacific Ocean for moi...
Patti LaBelle for Mama.
And more Billy Ocean
for me.
On Mother's Day, all I could do
was hope my mother
didn't know the difference
between Pure Voodoo
and Pure Voo-don't.
ALL:
Happy Mother's Day!
Thank you-- ooh!
This vase is beautiful.
You deserve it.
Jules, you paid
$50 for this vase?
I'm sorry. I meant
to take that off.
No, he didn't.
Ma, here's my present.
Patti LaBelle.
Oh, Patti LaBelle!
Tonya, you shouldn't have
spent this much money on me.
She didn't spend a dime,
literally.
Happy Mother's Day, Ma.
Oh, Drew, what did
you get Mommy?
Shoulder pads!
This is just
what I wanted.
Oh, baby.
This is such a
wonderful gift.
Told you.
Here you go, Ma.
Oh, thank you, Chris.
(screaming)
But this is...!
Fake.
Pure Voodoo!
I know.
Oh, my God!
You're kidding me!
But where? How?
I saved and saved and saved
and bought it at Goldstein's.
Actually I lied
and lied and lied
and bought it from Risky.
But this is the perfume.
Yeah, I figured
you deserved the best.
Oh, baby,
this is wonderful!
You know what?
I'm going to listen
to my album,
I'm going to look
at my flowers in their
very expensive vase,
I'm going to find
an outfit to wear
with my shoulder pads
and I'm going to sniff
on my Pure Voodoo!
Mm, mm, mm.
Seeing my mom that happy
made it all worth it.
Oh, my goodness.
At least until
the next morning.
(screaming)
After what Pure Voodoo
had done,
I didn't know whether
to call an itch doctor
or a witch doctor.
Voodoo got me!
(sobbing)
After my mother went
to the doctor,
I was afraid I might be next.
So what did
the doctor say?
Did you get this
from Goldstein's?
Uh... why?
'Cause they ripped
you off, baby.
No, they didn't.
They did?
Yes, this
perfume is fake.
They got a lot of nerve selling
fake perfume on Mother's Day.
So what are you
going to do?
We're going to go
get your money back.
While I headed back
to Goldstein's,
my father and Drew chased
a Voltron
all over town like
it owed them money.
Still not here.
Hey, Dad, look.
Jackpot.
Excuse me,
excuse me, sir,
sir, sir.
How much did you
pay for that?
Two dollars.
I'll tell you what,
I'll give you $20 for it.
$20?
$20.
Deal. Son, give
the nice man the toy.
But, Dad, it's a Voltron.
For $20 you can have any
toy in the store you want.
I don't want
anything else.
I want this.
Do you know how
much $20 is worth?
I do. $20.
Exactly.
They both spoke
the same language: cheap.
So give him
the toy.
Here you go, mister.
All right.
There you go.
Five...
That's $20.
Actually, Dad, uh...
this is not the toy
we were looking for.
Drew, what in the world
are you talking about?
Dad.
I want him to have it.
Really?
Thanks.
Yeah, thanks.
That was a really nice
thing you did, son.
Thanks, Dad.
This seems like
a nice moment now,
but when it sunk in how much
money he gave up,
my dad threw up
in the car.
I didn't have time
to formulate a plan,
so I did what I could
to not get recognized.
Why are you dressed
like that?
You look like you're
about to rob the place,
I think I'm going to check out
the new spring clothing line.
Oh, no you're not.
You're staying with me.
We're going to straighten
this mess out.
May I help you?
Yes, I would like to return
this bottle of Pure Voodoo.
What seems
to be the problem?
Well, this
is the problem.
Your expensive perfume
gave me a rash.
Really?
No, I just like
putting on rash cream.
Yes, really.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
(gasps)
This is not our perfume.
What?
No, my son bought this
perfume from here.
I don't know kind of scam
you guys are trying to run...
And I do not know
what kind of scam
you are
trying to run.
But "Pure" is spelled wrong.
Wait. Let me...
It's right there.
P-E-U-R.
That's wrong.
Although that is
a very good knockoff,
it is a knockoff
nonetheless.
The detail has been put
into matching
the general aromatic
tonality
of Pure Voodoo.
But as is
the case
with most counterfeits,
the packaging
lacks detail.
I should have known
by the ink.
I was about to tell the truth
when the truth came
and told on me.
Aha!
Hey, Lionel. Strike two.
Now what?!
I'm so embarrassed.
When you buy something
for a penny,
unless it's a gum ball,
there's a catch.
Billy Ocean Caribbean Queen
Dance Remixes...
Billy Ocean Sings Sinatra...
Billy Ocean's Greatest Hits...
That one's a single.
"Amount due"?!
Tonya!
Tonya, you know you're not
to order anything in this house
without checking with me
or your mother first.
But it said they were
only for a penny.
Baby, you're old enough
to know, no one's going
to sell you seven Billy Ocean
records for a penny.
They would today.
Look, you're going to have
to be more careful
about the things
you agree to.
Does that mean I have
to return the records?
Well, I'd hate for you
to have to give back
your Mother's Day gift.
So I can keep them?
Thanks, Daddy.
Yeah, but you're
going to have to do
a lot of chores
for a long time to
pay back that money.
Yes, Daddy.
She did one dish,
and he called it even.
Fortunately, the store
let me go,
but unfortunately,
they let me go with my mother.
I don't even want to know
what's in that box, do I?
I want to show
you something.
Do you remember
this macaroni ashtray?
Yeah, I made that for you three
years ago on Mother's Day.
And I almost got cancer trying
to use all 42 slots.
And what about these?
Yeah, the macaroni
shoe insoles.
I made those for you
in fifth grade.
They look good.
Did you ever use them?
No. But that year your
father was laid off
we almost had
to eat them.
And what about this?
A box of macaroni.
Yeah, kind of ran out
of ideas that year.
See, that's why I wanted to
make this year extra special.
These things are worthless.
No, you're wrong, Chris.
These things are priceless.
Only in a worldwide
macaroni shortage.
And I wouldn't trade any
of these gifts
for all of the designer perfume
in the world.
I would even care if you ever
got me another gift.
Liar.
Thanks, Mom.
That Mother's Day,
my mom realized
I would do anything for her.
And let's not forget about
this macaroni belt you got me.
Yeah, I made that for you
in third grade.
Well, it looks like you're going
to have to make another one.
I'm lucky she couldn't find
her macaroni bat.
* Everybody hates Chris.