Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 17 - Everybody Hates Ex-Cons - full transcript
When Chris finds out that Malvo has been released from jail, he fears that the ex-convict may be out for revenge against him. Instead, Malvo asks Chris to tutor him so he can go to high school. Chris is reluctant at first but eventually agrees, despite his suspicions of Malvo. Meanwhile, Alycia, the mother of Tonya's friend Latrinda, suspects Tonya of being a bad influence. Also, Dodgers fan Julius makes a bet with Mets fan Drew about which baseball team is better.
(theme from Cops playing)
* Bad boys, whatcha want...
CHRIS ROCK:
Typically, in the barbershop,
I heard good news.
Did you hear?
They renewed The Jeffersons
for another season.
I love me some Weezie,
boy-- whoo!
Did you hear
the Voyager space probe
had its first encounter
with Uranus?
But on this day,
I got the worst news
I could imagine.
Did y'all hear?
Malvo is out of prison.
Malvo was the career criminal
that I had helped put away.
But like the Terminator,
everybody knew he'd be back,
and they were ready.
Shoot, I put extra locks
on my doors.
I put two locks on my bike.
I locked up my locks.
I ain't scared of Malvo.
This is called
"barbershop courage."
Hey, Chris!
Chris, Malvo's looking
for you-oo-ooh!
Say what?!
* Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you? *
* Bad boys, bad boys
* Whatcha gonna do?
* Whatcha gonna do...
Somebody help!
(grunts)
(muffled shout from inside)
Let me in! Please!
(sobbing)
Malvo.
Where you been?
Jail.
Yep, that's where you were.
Yeah, well, now I'm out--
and I need you to help me.
I could only imagine
what he wanted help with.
(gunshots)
Drive, boy! Drive!
(tires squeal)
Help with what?
Look...
you the smartest
person I know.
Sad but true.
So I need you to help me
to get into high school.
Wait, why do you want
to break into high school?
There's nothing worth stealing.
I know-- I made
that mistake before.
He was sentenced
to stealing a book
about sentences.
I don't want to break in
to high school,
I want to get
into high school.
That'll be the first step
to turning my life around.
What do you want from me?
I want you to tutor me.
Why don't you
just take the GED?
I don't want no GED!
I want the complete experience.
I want to sit at the desk,
I want to smell the textbooks
and the chalk,
and I want to be
with the other kids,
frolicking.
Sounds like
Michael Jackson's diary.
I-I don't mean
to make you mad...
or anything...
but...
hypothetically speaking,
what would happen if I said no?
Nothing.
I'm trying to change.
It's not like I'll beat you
up or stab you or anything.
That's how Ike
proposed to Tina.
Oh. Well, then,
in that case...
my answer would have to be...
no.
Run!
* Aw, make it funky now.
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
The men in my family
loved baseball,
and even though
we lived in New York,
my dad's favorite team
was the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Hey, son, what
you listening to?
The Mets.
They're my new
favorite baseball team.
(screaming):
No...!
What did you say?
They're, like, the best
team in the league.
They're probably gonna
win the World Series.
What about the Dodgers?
What about 'em?
They hired Jackie Robinson.
So?
Don't you realize that
without the Dodgers,
there'd be no black
people in baseball?
The Dodgers are
from Brooklyn.
The Dodgers have
famous hot dogs.
The Dodgers have
better logos.
The Dodgers marched
with Dr. King.
I don't care.
I still like the Mets.
I guess you can buy
your own food and clothing.
Mature.
Wait, Dad,
don't be like that.
Just admit it-- the Mets are
a better team than the Dodgers.
My father believed
in the Dodgers so much,
he did the unthinkable.
You want to put
some money on it?
A bet?
Yeah.
The Dodgers are in
town this weekend
against the Mets,
for three games.
We'll see who's
the better team.
How much?
A dollar.
Okay, you're on.
Take this in the house.
(Mets game continues over radio)
Back at the barbershop,
everybody wanted to know
how I was still alive.
And you said no?
Yeah. Ain't nobody
scared of Malvo.
Except you.
Uh! I would have never said no.
(chuckles):
Mm.
Mm, what?
What do you mean?
The man was asking
for your help,
and you turned him down--
sometimes people need a hand.
Now, back when I
hadtroubles,
if it wasn't for
Supercuts Johnson, I don't
know where I'd be today.
Supercut Johnson?
Who's that?
Anywhere relation
to Jehri Curl Johnson?
He was a barber when I
was doing time in prison.
He used to cut hair
on death row.
Why would you want
to get your hair cut
when you're on death row?
You was in the joint?
Oh, yeah.
Man, what'd you do?
You know that tag
on the mattress
that says "Do not pull off"?
I pulled that thing off.
Do not pull that
tag off, man.
They are not
playing with y'all.
So Supercuts Johnson
taught you how to cut hair?
Not only that,
he told me that
everybody deserves
a second chance.
CHRIS:
Well, where
is he now?
Oh, he's dead.
He got the chair.
But he looked good.
So, do you think Malvo deserves
a second chance?
Look, your life is
on the line, man.
Do you think he needs
a second chance?
Think about it.
Latrinda, those are
some nice earrings.
My mom would never
let me wear those.
My mama don't know--
these are hers.
I wear her stuff all the time.
Can I try 'em on?
Yeah.
Hey, ladies.
What are y'all up to?
Nothing.
Thank you so much
for letting me come over
and play with Tonya.
On, no problem, Latrinda.
I'm happy she finally has
somebody nice to play with.
You guys come on
downstairs.
I'm making some snacks.
Okay.
If I helped Malvo,
maybe someday
he would help someone else--
or at least kill
one less person.
Can't you see I'm trying
to better myself?
Malvo.
What?!
I decided to help you.
Looks like I ain't
gonna be needing you
after all, Four Eyes!
Get out of here!
I thought you said you
weren't gonna beat anybody up.
I wasn't beating him up,
I was threatening him!
He'd gone from a felony
to a misdemeanor.
That was progress.
All right.
Well, let's get started.
Okay.
When I told my parents
about Malvo,
they insisted
on talking to him,
but they were prepared
for anything.
I made you all
a bean pie.
Oh! Thank you!
MALVO:
No. Thank you.
Thank y'all for having me over.
No problem.
It was our pleasure.
So, I understand
you want our son
to help you get
into high school.
Yes, sir.
Well, you do realize
it's not a school to get high?
MALVO:
Yes, ma'am.
I figure if I'm
gonna turn my life around,
it starts with education.
That's nice;
education is good.
So what do you plan on
doing with this education?
Well, short-term,
I was thinking
about becoming a male nurse.
Male nurse--
that's good!
You know, not many of those.
(forced laugh)
That way, he can care for you
after he beats the hell
out of you.
Long-term, I was thinking
about becoming an astronaut.
(laughing):
Whoo, that's way up there.
(Julius and Rochelle laughing)
Sky's the limit.
He wanted to be the first man
to steal things in space.
You know, Malvo,
we-we really appreciate
what you're trying
to do.
JULIUS:
Yeah, but, um,
we kind of don't like the
idea of our son hanging out
with a... ex-con.
Ex-con, yeah.
I understand, sir, but all
I want is a second chance.
I mean,
if I can turn my life around
and become a guy like you,
the world will see me
differently.
No, they won't.
Congratulations.
(Julius and Rochelle
laughing nervously)
Good luck.
Good luck. Good luck.
CHRIS:
So, uh, Malvo, do you have
all your records?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
those were lost in a...
school "fire."
I don't know
why he's doing quotes.
He actually
set the school on fire.
Well, you know, I-I work for
the Department of Records.
Maybe I could
help you find,
you know, some
copies of yours.
That'd be great;
I'd be most gracious.
"Most gracious."
Good word.
Come on, man.
(knocking)
Malvo was trying to do right,
but wrong was knocking
at our door.
Can I help you?
Yeah, you Tonya's mother?
Yes, I am. Who are you?
I'm Alyson; I'm
Latrinda's mother.
I'm here to talk to you
about what your daughter did.
Well, what did my daughter do?
Well, she talked
my little Latrinda
into going to see
an R-rated movie
and I don't appreciate it.
I don't appreciate that outfit.
Well, that does not sound
like my Tonya,
but I promise you I'll get
down to the bottom of it.
Yeah, you do that.
I miss Salt-N-Pepa.
What happened
at the movies?
What do you mean?
Latrinda's mother
just came here and told me
you dragged her
to an R-rated movie.
No, that's not what happened.
Latrinda's mother was
supposed to come with us
to see Police Academy 3,
but she just dropped us off,
so Latrinda
wanted to sneak in
to some movie called
Kiss of the Spider Woman,
and they had all nasty
killing and stuff in there
and I didn't want to
see it, so I left.
Mm...
I was used to seeing
Malvo getting booked,
not reading one.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Malvo.
Where you going?
Down to Greenwich Village to
play Scrabble in the park.
What have you got
there, an abacus?
No.
Well, it's obviously
not an abalone.
What are you talking about?
I'm just practicing
my new words.
Oh, well... listen, man,
my mom pulled up your records.
There's no way you can
get into high school.
Why not?
You never graduated
junior high school.
Now I feel abysmal.
Nothing sadder
than a depressed gangster.
Since I didn't know how to get
Malvo past the eighth grade,
I decided to ask
a professional.
Chris, this is wonderful.
You're like
a one-man Operation PUSH.
Thank you.
And Malvo,
with the proper education,
you can do so many things.
You could be a
garbage collector,
garbage truck driver,
garbage truck dispatcher.
The list is endless.
So what do you think
we should do next?
I've got an idea.
Why don't you sit in--
which your people have
historically been good at--
and audit my class?
"Audit" means to attend classes
or lectures as an auditor.
Auditor means "hearer"
or "listener."
Yes.
So, how would that help him?
Well, if he's preparing
for an equivalency test,
he needs classroom
experience.
It'll help him get acclimated.
Acclimated:
"to accustom or to become
accustomed to a new climate
or an environment."
(laughs)
Thank you, Miss Morello.
Yes, thank you.
Chris, I think this
is a great way for you
to get your father
off the streets.
And in her bed.
Back home, my father was
realizing that these weren't
Jackie Robinson's Dodgers.
Yes! Ha!
The Mets win again.
Looks like you
owe me a dollar.
My father was a strong man,
but right then,
that dollar weighed a ton.
Double or nothing?
You want to let it ride?
Let it ride.
Malvo was a big hit in school.
Now, when you're
on the yard,
it's all about attitude.
If you don't think
you're tough,
somebody might
shank you,
so you think
you're tough, right?
Yeah, yeah,
I think I'm tough.
And I'm ready for recess.
Yeah, bring it on!
Nice brag, Bobby Joe.
At least he didn't shank you.
That was sweet.
You gonna do it like that?
Huh?
I'll kill...!
Who can name the
five characteristics
of an ecosystem?
I see one hand.
Class...?
Anybody else?
Your mama's so fat
she left a ring
around the lake.
And your mama's teeth
so yellow,
when she smile,
cars slow down.
And your mama's so black
that she uses Armor All
instead of lotion.
You talking
about my mama?
No.
Nah, that's a good joke.
Chris, Malvo,
I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.
What is it?
Malvo, there was
a background check done on you
and it was discovered
you were just released
from prison.
And although
I find this dance with danger
exciting and
titillating,
other people are scared
out of their minds
and they want you out.
What other people?
Let's just say
the higher authorities.
Let's just say
the white people.
Now how am I supposed
to get into high school?
This is like if BET made
an after-school special.
Now I was on my own trying
to get Malvo through
this process,
but Malvo was making progress.
What year was
the Magna Carta signed?
1215.
You got another one right.
Yeah!
Hey! I was just wondering
how studying was coming along.
Good.
Yeah, Malvo's doing great.
Okay, just
checking on you.
Go back to studying.
Okay, um,
the Battle of Hastings?
1066.
You, sir, are smarter
than a ninth-grader.
And you're only 32.
And now another installment
of Parenting for Dummies...
Where's my daughter?
...at R. Kelly's house.
How would I know?
Well, I called
Latrinda from work.
She says Tonya's coming over.
I get to the house,
nobody's there,
so, obviously,
Tonya dragged her off
to God knows where.
So you're telling me that
Latrinda's gone off someplace
and you think Tonya has
something to do with it?
Uh, yeah.
Tonya?
Yes, Mama?
Do you have any idea
where Latrinda is?
No.
Don't lie to me.
She's at Black Paul's house.
Black Paul?!
Black Paul?
Oh, Lordy, not Black Paul!
She asked me to go with her
and I said I couldn't come.
Does this answer
your question?
Yeah, thank you.
Oh, um, excuse me.
Does, um...
does Tonya know
where, exactly,
Black Paul lives?
Next door
to Brown Willy's house.
You and I need
to talk... yeah.
I'll be back.
ANNOUNCER:
And here's the pitch...
Strike three called!
And that's the ball game
as the Mets win again
against the Dodgers!
Yes! I win again!
And that's two in a row...
Double or nothing.
Double or nothing?
On two dollars?
That's right.
Double or nothing.
Got yourself a bet.
Ow! Ow!
You know, she knows
I don't like her
hanging out with Paul.
I mean, that girl
act like she can do
whatever she want to do.
Well, maybe
she's not acting.
What?
You know, I think you're
setting a bad example for her.
Maybe you need to grow up.
What are you
talking about?
I mean, look
at yourself, Allison.
You running around here
looking like Salt-N-Pepa.
while your daughter's running
the streets
and we out looking
for Mr. Goodbar.
Look, you don't know me, okay?
You don't know nothing
about me.
You know what?
You right.
Maybe I'm the one
who's crazy.
I need to be more like you,
you know?
Gritty!
Living on the edge!
You know?
Crazy, sexy, cool!
Funky, fresh!
You know what?
To hell with these
nappy-headed kids, girl.
Let's go out
and spray paint a wall.
Let's buy a knife
and trade it for a gun.
Matter of fact, let's
sell some blood, girl.
What you, A-positive or O?
You know what? Maybe we should
get pregnant again.
Let's have another...
Or maybe
you should just mind
your own business.
It was do-or-die for Malvo.
Either he was gonna
pass his test
or the world would have
one less astronaut.
TEACHER:
The answers are all
multiple choice.
So make sure you fill in
all circles completely.
Keep your eyes
on your own paper.
If you cheat, you leave.
Well?
I scored
in the 70 percentile.
I passed!
Congratulations.
Thanks, Chris, man,
I couldn't did it without you.
When nobody else
believed in me, you did.
You the wind beneath
beneath my wings.
And he was the convict
beneath my nightmares.
Despite the awkwardness
of this moment,
I was really happy
I helped Malvo.
Things were looking good for
Malvo, but bad for my father.
ANNOUNCER:
The Mets win again,
completing the three-game sweep
of the Dodgers.
And the Dodger fans...
It's a sad day,
isn't it?
I mean, it's got to be
hard when you realize
that your team
is second-best.
The team you loved
your whole life
since you were
a little boy.
Here's you four dollars.
Don't talk to me.
Ow.
Hey.
Um, I just came by
to apologize.
Really?
Yeah, Latrinda
went and got herself
in more trouble.
She said if it was okay
for me to act this way,
then why wasn't it okay for her?
That's a good question.
What did you tell her?
I just told her,
I said,
"Look, I'm your mother
"and if you don't straighten up,
"then I'm gonna knock
the medulla
out of your oblongata."
That's what I'm talking about!
Good for you, girl.
So, um, anyway,
I just wanted to say thank you
for talking to me
the way that you did.
It really helped.
Any time.
And you know, who knows?
Maybe sometimes,
Latrinda can come over again...
Take care, girl.
So, you enjoying
my four dollars?
That's long gone.
Boy, what can you blow
four dollars on that fast?
Actually, it was five, but
I figured you were worth it.
For the number-one fan
of thenumber-two team
in baseball.
Thanks.
This tender moment should
not be diminished,
but later that day
my father returned that hat,
got his five dollars back
and ended up a dollar up
on the deal.
Hey, Malvo,
how's it going?
Pretty good, pretty good.
I made a decision and I wanted
to tell you about it first.
About high school?
Yeah. I'm not going.
What?!
What are you talking about?
Getting into
high school is harder
that getting into jail.
You got to obey all these rules,
you got to fill out forms,
you got to stand in line
to get licenses for things.
What was all this about then?
Why'd you put me
through all this?
Well, I thought
my life would be better
if I wasn't in trouble,
and it is better...
but I'm bored, Chris.
I mean, when we
were studying
and working on
stuff together,
it was exciting.
But to tell you
the truth, Chris,
I'm okay at being right,
but I'm an expert
at being wrong.
Malvo, you can't do this
to me, man.
I mean, what about
all my hard work?
Yeah, I appreciate that.
That's why I'm not
robbing you anymore.
Thanks.
I'm robbing the store.
Now give me all the money.
* Everybody hates Chris.
* Bad boys, whatcha want...
CHRIS ROCK:
Typically, in the barbershop,
I heard good news.
Did you hear?
They renewed The Jeffersons
for another season.
I love me some Weezie,
boy-- whoo!
Did you hear
the Voyager space probe
had its first encounter
with Uranus?
But on this day,
I got the worst news
I could imagine.
Did y'all hear?
Malvo is out of prison.
Malvo was the career criminal
that I had helped put away.
But like the Terminator,
everybody knew he'd be back,
and they were ready.
Shoot, I put extra locks
on my doors.
I put two locks on my bike.
I locked up my locks.
I ain't scared of Malvo.
This is called
"barbershop courage."
Hey, Chris!
Chris, Malvo's looking
for you-oo-ooh!
Say what?!
* Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you? *
* Bad boys, bad boys
* Whatcha gonna do?
* Whatcha gonna do...
Somebody help!
(grunts)
(muffled shout from inside)
Let me in! Please!
(sobbing)
Malvo.
Where you been?
Jail.
Yep, that's where you were.
Yeah, well, now I'm out--
and I need you to help me.
I could only imagine
what he wanted help with.
(gunshots)
Drive, boy! Drive!
(tires squeal)
Help with what?
Look...
you the smartest
person I know.
Sad but true.
So I need you to help me
to get into high school.
Wait, why do you want
to break into high school?
There's nothing worth stealing.
I know-- I made
that mistake before.
He was sentenced
to stealing a book
about sentences.
I don't want to break in
to high school,
I want to get
into high school.
That'll be the first step
to turning my life around.
What do you want from me?
I want you to tutor me.
Why don't you
just take the GED?
I don't want no GED!
I want the complete experience.
I want to sit at the desk,
I want to smell the textbooks
and the chalk,
and I want to be
with the other kids,
frolicking.
Sounds like
Michael Jackson's diary.
I-I don't mean
to make you mad...
or anything...
but...
hypothetically speaking,
what would happen if I said no?
Nothing.
I'm trying to change.
It's not like I'll beat you
up or stab you or anything.
That's how Ike
proposed to Tina.
Oh. Well, then,
in that case...
my answer would have to be...
no.
Run!
* Aw, make it funky now.
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
The men in my family
loved baseball,
and even though
we lived in New York,
my dad's favorite team
was the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Hey, son, what
you listening to?
The Mets.
They're my new
favorite baseball team.
(screaming):
No...!
What did you say?
They're, like, the best
team in the league.
They're probably gonna
win the World Series.
What about the Dodgers?
What about 'em?
They hired Jackie Robinson.
So?
Don't you realize that
without the Dodgers,
there'd be no black
people in baseball?
The Dodgers are
from Brooklyn.
The Dodgers have
famous hot dogs.
The Dodgers have
better logos.
The Dodgers marched
with Dr. King.
I don't care.
I still like the Mets.
I guess you can buy
your own food and clothing.
Mature.
Wait, Dad,
don't be like that.
Just admit it-- the Mets are
a better team than the Dodgers.
My father believed
in the Dodgers so much,
he did the unthinkable.
You want to put
some money on it?
A bet?
Yeah.
The Dodgers are in
town this weekend
against the Mets,
for three games.
We'll see who's
the better team.
How much?
A dollar.
Okay, you're on.
Take this in the house.
(Mets game continues over radio)
Back at the barbershop,
everybody wanted to know
how I was still alive.
And you said no?
Yeah. Ain't nobody
scared of Malvo.
Except you.
Uh! I would have never said no.
(chuckles):
Mm.
Mm, what?
What do you mean?
The man was asking
for your help,
and you turned him down--
sometimes people need a hand.
Now, back when I
hadtroubles,
if it wasn't for
Supercuts Johnson, I don't
know where I'd be today.
Supercut Johnson?
Who's that?
Anywhere relation
to Jehri Curl Johnson?
He was a barber when I
was doing time in prison.
He used to cut hair
on death row.
Why would you want
to get your hair cut
when you're on death row?
You was in the joint?
Oh, yeah.
Man, what'd you do?
You know that tag
on the mattress
that says "Do not pull off"?
I pulled that thing off.
Do not pull that
tag off, man.
They are not
playing with y'all.
So Supercuts Johnson
taught you how to cut hair?
Not only that,
he told me that
everybody deserves
a second chance.
CHRIS:
Well, where
is he now?
Oh, he's dead.
He got the chair.
But he looked good.
So, do you think Malvo deserves
a second chance?
Look, your life is
on the line, man.
Do you think he needs
a second chance?
Think about it.
Latrinda, those are
some nice earrings.
My mom would never
let me wear those.
My mama don't know--
these are hers.
I wear her stuff all the time.
Can I try 'em on?
Yeah.
Hey, ladies.
What are y'all up to?
Nothing.
Thank you so much
for letting me come over
and play with Tonya.
On, no problem, Latrinda.
I'm happy she finally has
somebody nice to play with.
You guys come on
downstairs.
I'm making some snacks.
Okay.
If I helped Malvo,
maybe someday
he would help someone else--
or at least kill
one less person.
Can't you see I'm trying
to better myself?
Malvo.
What?!
I decided to help you.
Looks like I ain't
gonna be needing you
after all, Four Eyes!
Get out of here!
I thought you said you
weren't gonna beat anybody up.
I wasn't beating him up,
I was threatening him!
He'd gone from a felony
to a misdemeanor.
That was progress.
All right.
Well, let's get started.
Okay.
When I told my parents
about Malvo,
they insisted
on talking to him,
but they were prepared
for anything.
I made you all
a bean pie.
Oh! Thank you!
MALVO:
No. Thank you.
Thank y'all for having me over.
No problem.
It was our pleasure.
So, I understand
you want our son
to help you get
into high school.
Yes, sir.
Well, you do realize
it's not a school to get high?
MALVO:
Yes, ma'am.
I figure if I'm
gonna turn my life around,
it starts with education.
That's nice;
education is good.
So what do you plan on
doing with this education?
Well, short-term,
I was thinking
about becoming a male nurse.
Male nurse--
that's good!
You know, not many of those.
(forced laugh)
That way, he can care for you
after he beats the hell
out of you.
Long-term, I was thinking
about becoming an astronaut.
(laughing):
Whoo, that's way up there.
(Julius and Rochelle laughing)
Sky's the limit.
He wanted to be the first man
to steal things in space.
You know, Malvo,
we-we really appreciate
what you're trying
to do.
JULIUS:
Yeah, but, um,
we kind of don't like the
idea of our son hanging out
with a... ex-con.
Ex-con, yeah.
I understand, sir, but all
I want is a second chance.
I mean,
if I can turn my life around
and become a guy like you,
the world will see me
differently.
No, they won't.
Congratulations.
(Julius and Rochelle
laughing nervously)
Good luck.
Good luck. Good luck.
CHRIS:
So, uh, Malvo, do you have
all your records?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
those were lost in a...
school "fire."
I don't know
why he's doing quotes.
He actually
set the school on fire.
Well, you know, I-I work for
the Department of Records.
Maybe I could
help you find,
you know, some
copies of yours.
That'd be great;
I'd be most gracious.
"Most gracious."
Good word.
Come on, man.
(knocking)
Malvo was trying to do right,
but wrong was knocking
at our door.
Can I help you?
Yeah, you Tonya's mother?
Yes, I am. Who are you?
I'm Alyson; I'm
Latrinda's mother.
I'm here to talk to you
about what your daughter did.
Well, what did my daughter do?
Well, she talked
my little Latrinda
into going to see
an R-rated movie
and I don't appreciate it.
I don't appreciate that outfit.
Well, that does not sound
like my Tonya,
but I promise you I'll get
down to the bottom of it.
Yeah, you do that.
I miss Salt-N-Pepa.
What happened
at the movies?
What do you mean?
Latrinda's mother
just came here and told me
you dragged her
to an R-rated movie.
No, that's not what happened.
Latrinda's mother was
supposed to come with us
to see Police Academy 3,
but she just dropped us off,
so Latrinda
wanted to sneak in
to some movie called
Kiss of the Spider Woman,
and they had all nasty
killing and stuff in there
and I didn't want to
see it, so I left.
Mm...
I was used to seeing
Malvo getting booked,
not reading one.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Malvo.
Where you going?
Down to Greenwich Village to
play Scrabble in the park.
What have you got
there, an abacus?
No.
Well, it's obviously
not an abalone.
What are you talking about?
I'm just practicing
my new words.
Oh, well... listen, man,
my mom pulled up your records.
There's no way you can
get into high school.
Why not?
You never graduated
junior high school.
Now I feel abysmal.
Nothing sadder
than a depressed gangster.
Since I didn't know how to get
Malvo past the eighth grade,
I decided to ask
a professional.
Chris, this is wonderful.
You're like
a one-man Operation PUSH.
Thank you.
And Malvo,
with the proper education,
you can do so many things.
You could be a
garbage collector,
garbage truck driver,
garbage truck dispatcher.
The list is endless.
So what do you think
we should do next?
I've got an idea.
Why don't you sit in--
which your people have
historically been good at--
and audit my class?
"Audit" means to attend classes
or lectures as an auditor.
Auditor means "hearer"
or "listener."
Yes.
So, how would that help him?
Well, if he's preparing
for an equivalency test,
he needs classroom
experience.
It'll help him get acclimated.
Acclimated:
"to accustom or to become
accustomed to a new climate
or an environment."
(laughs)
Thank you, Miss Morello.
Yes, thank you.
Chris, I think this
is a great way for you
to get your father
off the streets.
And in her bed.
Back home, my father was
realizing that these weren't
Jackie Robinson's Dodgers.
Yes! Ha!
The Mets win again.
Looks like you
owe me a dollar.
My father was a strong man,
but right then,
that dollar weighed a ton.
Double or nothing?
You want to let it ride?
Let it ride.
Malvo was a big hit in school.
Now, when you're
on the yard,
it's all about attitude.
If you don't think
you're tough,
somebody might
shank you,
so you think
you're tough, right?
Yeah, yeah,
I think I'm tough.
And I'm ready for recess.
Yeah, bring it on!
Nice brag, Bobby Joe.
At least he didn't shank you.
That was sweet.
You gonna do it like that?
Huh?
I'll kill...!
Who can name the
five characteristics
of an ecosystem?
I see one hand.
Class...?
Anybody else?
Your mama's so fat
she left a ring
around the lake.
And your mama's teeth
so yellow,
when she smile,
cars slow down.
And your mama's so black
that she uses Armor All
instead of lotion.
You talking
about my mama?
No.
Nah, that's a good joke.
Chris, Malvo,
I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.
What is it?
Malvo, there was
a background check done on you
and it was discovered
you were just released
from prison.
And although
I find this dance with danger
exciting and
titillating,
other people are scared
out of their minds
and they want you out.
What other people?
Let's just say
the higher authorities.
Let's just say
the white people.
Now how am I supposed
to get into high school?
This is like if BET made
an after-school special.
Now I was on my own trying
to get Malvo through
this process,
but Malvo was making progress.
What year was
the Magna Carta signed?
1215.
You got another one right.
Yeah!
Hey! I was just wondering
how studying was coming along.
Good.
Yeah, Malvo's doing great.
Okay, just
checking on you.
Go back to studying.
Okay, um,
the Battle of Hastings?
1066.
You, sir, are smarter
than a ninth-grader.
And you're only 32.
And now another installment
of Parenting for Dummies...
Where's my daughter?
...at R. Kelly's house.
How would I know?
Well, I called
Latrinda from work.
She says Tonya's coming over.
I get to the house,
nobody's there,
so, obviously,
Tonya dragged her off
to God knows where.
So you're telling me that
Latrinda's gone off someplace
and you think Tonya has
something to do with it?
Uh, yeah.
Tonya?
Yes, Mama?
Do you have any idea
where Latrinda is?
No.
Don't lie to me.
She's at Black Paul's house.
Black Paul?!
Black Paul?
Oh, Lordy, not Black Paul!
She asked me to go with her
and I said I couldn't come.
Does this answer
your question?
Yeah, thank you.
Oh, um, excuse me.
Does, um...
does Tonya know
where, exactly,
Black Paul lives?
Next door
to Brown Willy's house.
You and I need
to talk... yeah.
I'll be back.
ANNOUNCER:
And here's the pitch...
Strike three called!
And that's the ball game
as the Mets win again
against the Dodgers!
Yes! I win again!
And that's two in a row...
Double or nothing.
Double or nothing?
On two dollars?
That's right.
Double or nothing.
Got yourself a bet.
Ow! Ow!
You know, she knows
I don't like her
hanging out with Paul.
I mean, that girl
act like she can do
whatever she want to do.
Well, maybe
she's not acting.
What?
You know, I think you're
setting a bad example for her.
Maybe you need to grow up.
What are you
talking about?
I mean, look
at yourself, Allison.
You running around here
looking like Salt-N-Pepa.
while your daughter's running
the streets
and we out looking
for Mr. Goodbar.
Look, you don't know me, okay?
You don't know nothing
about me.
You know what?
You right.
Maybe I'm the one
who's crazy.
I need to be more like you,
you know?
Gritty!
Living on the edge!
You know?
Crazy, sexy, cool!
Funky, fresh!
You know what?
To hell with these
nappy-headed kids, girl.
Let's go out
and spray paint a wall.
Let's buy a knife
and trade it for a gun.
Matter of fact, let's
sell some blood, girl.
What you, A-positive or O?
You know what? Maybe we should
get pregnant again.
Let's have another...
Or maybe
you should just mind
your own business.
It was do-or-die for Malvo.
Either he was gonna
pass his test
or the world would have
one less astronaut.
TEACHER:
The answers are all
multiple choice.
So make sure you fill in
all circles completely.
Keep your eyes
on your own paper.
If you cheat, you leave.
Well?
I scored
in the 70 percentile.
I passed!
Congratulations.
Thanks, Chris, man,
I couldn't did it without you.
When nobody else
believed in me, you did.
You the wind beneath
beneath my wings.
And he was the convict
beneath my nightmares.
Despite the awkwardness
of this moment,
I was really happy
I helped Malvo.
Things were looking good for
Malvo, but bad for my father.
ANNOUNCER:
The Mets win again,
completing the three-game sweep
of the Dodgers.
And the Dodger fans...
It's a sad day,
isn't it?
I mean, it's got to be
hard when you realize
that your team
is second-best.
The team you loved
your whole life
since you were
a little boy.
Here's you four dollars.
Don't talk to me.
Ow.
Hey.
Um, I just came by
to apologize.
Really?
Yeah, Latrinda
went and got herself
in more trouble.
She said if it was okay
for me to act this way,
then why wasn't it okay for her?
That's a good question.
What did you tell her?
I just told her,
I said,
"Look, I'm your mother
"and if you don't straighten up,
"then I'm gonna knock
the medulla
out of your oblongata."
That's what I'm talking about!
Good for you, girl.
So, um, anyway,
I just wanted to say thank you
for talking to me
the way that you did.
It really helped.
Any time.
And you know, who knows?
Maybe sometimes,
Latrinda can come over again...
Take care, girl.
So, you enjoying
my four dollars?
That's long gone.
Boy, what can you blow
four dollars on that fast?
Actually, it was five, but
I figured you were worth it.
For the number-one fan
of thenumber-two team
in baseball.
Thanks.
This tender moment should
not be diminished,
but later that day
my father returned that hat,
got his five dollars back
and ended up a dollar up
on the deal.
Hey, Malvo,
how's it going?
Pretty good, pretty good.
I made a decision and I wanted
to tell you about it first.
About high school?
Yeah. I'm not going.
What?!
What are you talking about?
Getting into
high school is harder
that getting into jail.
You got to obey all these rules,
you got to fill out forms,
you got to stand in line
to get licenses for things.
What was all this about then?
Why'd you put me
through all this?
Well, I thought
my life would be better
if I wasn't in trouble,
and it is better...
but I'm bored, Chris.
I mean, when we
were studying
and working on
stuff together,
it was exciting.
But to tell you
the truth, Chris,
I'm okay at being right,
but I'm an expert
at being wrong.
Malvo, you can't do this
to me, man.
I mean, what about
all my hard work?
Yeah, I appreciate that.
That's why I'm not
robbing you anymore.
Thanks.
I'm robbing the store.
Now give me all the money.
* Everybody hates Chris.