Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 16 - Everybody Hates the BFD - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #059
"Everybody Hates Run-DMC"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

("You Be Illin'" by Run-DMC
playing)

(record scratches)

CHRIS ROCK:
For as long as I can remember,
music was a part of my life.

And in 1986, the biggest act
in the world was Run-DMC.

* One day when I was chillin'
in Kentucky Fried Chicken *

* Just minding my business,
eatin' food and finger lickin' *

* This dude walked in looking
strange and kind of funny *

What you listening
to, young blood?

Young blood...

what you listening to?



Run-DMC.

What kind of name
is "Run"?

Ain't that a verb,
everybody?

(men chuckling)

Going to that concert?

I wish.
It's sold out.

I've got a guy that's gonna give
me two tickets tomorrow.

They're yours for $200.

I don't have $200.
I'll take 'em.

Okay, I'll have them
tomorrow at 6:00.

And I'm gonna need cash.

Now I don't take
check, credit,

pesos, rubles,

wampums, ducats
or wherewithal.



No problem.

As long as you can also
loan me $200.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, what's going on?
Hey.

Manny, you mind if I
leave these here?
What is it?

Applications for
my BFD Scholarship.

BFD?

Black Funeral Directors.

What I was thinking
wasn't even close.

(chuckles):
You, too, right?

So if you know of any young men

who would like to learn about
the wonderful world of death,

this scholarship
is worth $250.

Sounds like ticket money to me.

I'm interested.

Interested in free money.

Oh, I didn't know
you were interested

in the bereaved and deceased.

I'm not.

This is a lot easier
than I thought it would be.

I was thinking
the exact same thing.

All you have to do
is sign right here

and you're the new
BFD scholar.

Good.

Now when do I
get the money?

Oh, as soon as you're
done with the program.

Will I be done with the program
by tomorrow at 6:00?

Oh, it's gonna take
longer than that

to learn all you need to know
about death.

No, it's not, because right now
I'm having a heart attack.

(beat-boxing)

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

* Aw, make it funky now

While I waited
for my scholarship money,

I was researching other ways
to get some cash.

Give you an advance on your pay?

Yeah, and I'll pay you back soon
as I get my scholarship money.

That sounds like
a good plan.

But what happens
if you get killed?

I haven't thought
about that.

Ain't that nothing.

You learning about death

and ain't even
thought about dying.

Death can happen
at any moment, son.

It can happen
when you're happy,

when you're sad, or when
you owe somebody money.

Translation: no.

While I was hurting for cash,
my mother was in pain.

So the chart says you
got pain in your shoulder.

How did you do this?

I was reaching for something

and I must've overextended.

That's one way of putting it.

Boy, didn't I tell you
about throwing that ball?!

Mama, I didn't mean
to break it, I'm sorry.

Oh, your behind
gonna be sorry.

Ow! Ow!

Went too far back on
the wind-up, didn't you?

Yeah!

You know that boy
broke a $60 lamp

when I told him do not
throw a ball in the house.

Next time, just stretch first.

Stretch?

Nothing helps you give better
ass whuppings than yoga.

It's part of the
proper technique.

There are various techniques
that you can use to avoid injury

while delivering
an ass whupping.

There's the Two-Cheek Cross,
the Roundhouse Booty Buster,

or my personal favorite:
the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker.

In the wrong hands, a beating
can be called child abuse.

But in the right hands,
it could be the difference

between raising
a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.

Read this.

If you rest your arm
in a sling for a week,

you'll be fine.

A week?
I can't rest for a week.

I got to cook and clean.
You're hurt.

Make those kids do it.

Strap me up.
Mm-hmm.

My mother had a sling,
while my father had ch-ching.

What's this?

I've got a fun project
for you.

My father was famous
for his fun projects.

JULIUS:
Isn't this fun?

What is this
stuff anyway?
Asbestos.

We're gonna save a lot of money
on heat this year.

I need you to roll
these quarters.

40 in each roll.

You think you can
handle that, baby?

Okay, Daddy.

That's my girl.

I had a hundred dollars saved,
and I had to get the rest

or my chance to see Run-DMC
was gonna be G-O-N-E.

So, Dad, can I borrow
a hundred dollars

until my scholarship money
arrives?

That depends.

Can I borrow it back
two seconds later?

For what?

Books.

Mr. Omar gave you a scholarship.

What, he can't give you
the books?

I get $250.

Wow.

They got any more
scholarships around here?

I don't know.

The Future Crackheads
of America

had a scholarship,

but they used that up
on Flavor Flav.

Well, I guess it's
for a good cause.

Turn around so
I can get the money.

Okay.

I never did find out where my
father kept his secret stash.

Here you go.

Thanks, Dad.

Thank you.

My father held onto cash
so tight,

George Washington
couldn't breathe.

39...

40.

According to math,
the roll was perfect.

But according to Tanya,

39 quarters looked
a lot neater than 40.

That's better.

Bam!

We're going to
the Run-DMC concert.

Dude, this is
incredible.

I promise I'll pay you back,
ten dollars a week.

This is the best thing
anyone's ever done for me

since my mom took me back
from the foster home.

Well, we couldn't miss the
greatest concert of the year.

Where'd you get the money?

Oh, my dad
loaned it to me

and I'm gonna pay him back
with my scholarship money.

What scholarship?

BFD.

Never heard of
that one before.

But I'm guessing
acronyms today--

Black Funeral Directors.

Yeah, you have
a scholarship?

Yeah, I've got four:

Future Physicists,
Future Pharmacists,

Future Futurists,
and Sons of Izzo.

Who's Izzo?

It's an Italian thing,
you wouldn't understand.

Oh.

So you want to be
a funeral director?

No, I just want
to see Run-DMC.

Duh!

My mother was
about to win an Emmy

for best exaggerated injury.

Yeah, get the pillow.

Ooh.

Oh...

Now I wish I wasn't hurt,

but I am.

So I'm gonna need you two to
pick up the slack around here,

okay?
What do we have to do?

(sighs):
Not a lot.

All of this?!

Now you can appreciate all
the hard work I do around here.

Ow! Ow!

Drew, go get
my turtles.

Tanya, put my feet up.

You know my ankles swell.

Pass me the remote.

Move out the way.

You're blocking the TV.

(applause on TV)

Now that's what
I'm talking about.

Come on here, girl.

You can do it, sister.

Come on, joker...!
Come on, joker!

Yes!

You should've seen her
when she watched Card Sharks.

Now that I was going
to the show,

I couldn't wait for Mr. Omar
to show me the money.

Hey, Mr. Omar,

I was just wondering
what I needed to do

to finish up
my scholarship work.

Oh, I appreciate your
enthusiasm, Chris.

As you know, death doesn't
wait, so come on in.

I'm just finishing up
my preparation

for the death Jubilee.

Sweep that up.

Death Jubilee?

Oh, it's only the biggest
event of the year.

It's like the auto show.

If you drive a hearse.

Now, look, I need you
to collate these,

fold these,
take both of them,

slide them into here, okay?

I need you to iron that shirt,
take the suit

to the cleaners,
shine my shoes,

get me a paper
on the corner...

I got a lotta more stuff for you
to do later.

Oh, the Death Jubilee
is all day tomorrow,

so get your rest.

You mean get
your rest in peace.

Now when you think I'll be done?

Oh, you should be done
by Tuesday.

Tuesday? But I have somewhere
to go on Monday.

Go on Tuesday.
I can't.

Tragic.

Not as tragic

as missing Run-DMC.

At the Death Jubilee,

I was beginning to realize
that the BFD

was a bunch of BS.

Hey, Omar,
the scholarship idea? Genius.

Hey, I could never afford to
come to this convention before

'cause it cost so much for help.

But you call it a scholarship

and you get help
for less than half the price.

(chuckling)
Hey, did you guys
see the women

over in the
bereavement hall?

If you thought
last year was good,

this year is ridiculous.

Oh, you think
that's ridiculous?

Did you see the girl
standing by the hearse?

Now she's bad for business.

Who's gonna die with her
standing around.

(cackles)

Oh, my God.

You know Mrs. Eisenberg?
She called me.

Mrs. Eisenberg,
Mrs. Eisenberg?
Yeah.

You're kidding.

I'm not kidding you.
We went out.

She's a firecracker.

Almost gave me a heart attack.

I told you not to mess with her.

Well, her husband was
on bed rest for a year.

What can you expect?

I didn't expect that.

(laughing)

Hey, tragic.

(laughing)

I'm done.

What do you want me
to do with this?

Oh.
Right... here.

You know, you might have
a future in this after all.

Back at home, my mother found
that taking it easy

was gonna be harder
than she thought.

Hey, Mom, how do you fold this?

With your hands, dummy.

Hey, Mom,

can you clean burnt
spaghetti sauce with bleach?

If you want to die.

DREW:
Hey, Mom!

TANYA:
Mom...!

Ma..!

Mom!

While my mother's legs
were getting stronger,

Mr. Omar's little black book
was getting fatter.

Oh, thank you so much

for stopping by.

Now you be sure
and call me now, okay?

All right?

Hey.

Oh, did you pass out
the pamphlets?

Yeah...

Only to the pretty ones?

Yeah.

So, you're supposed to be
telling me about your business?

What you want to know?

Well, what made you want
to work with dead people?

You see, there's something
you need to know

about the funeral business.

It's not about servicing
the dead.

It's about comforting
the living.

And some
of the living need

a little more comforting
than others.

Go out to the truck,
get us some pamphlets.

I'll be right back.

Toast?

Toast for dinner?

Tonya can't cook

and it's the best
that I could do

in the condition
that I'm in.

She's using most of her energy
faking being hurt.

Ow!

Thank you.

Chris, why don't you
pass the toast around?

See? I got

wheat toast
and white toast and raisin

and crust and crustless.

No pumpernickel?

Mommy also has grape jelly,
strawberry jelly, hot sauce...

Hot sauce?

Hot sauce?
...cinnamon,

...honey and syrup
to dip your crust in.

Hot sauce?

Um, did you finish up
those quarters like I asked?

Yep, ten rolls.

Good girl.

Hey, Chris, can you pass me
the hot sauce?

Hot sauce?

So Chris, how was your day?

Did you learn anything
about the funeral business?

I learned it was heavy.

Yeah, I bet it is.

You enjoying those books?

Yeah, they're great.

Pass me the big piece
of toast.

Honey, how much longer
you gonna be in that sling?

Until we run out of bread.

I don't know,
Julius.

As soon as I'm healed
and fully recovered,

I'll let you know.

Ow!

While my mother was milking
her injury,

I was being trained.

First, I must say
you're really doing
a great job.

Well, what do I have
to do today?

Ah, just polish
a few coffins.

A few?

How long is this gonna take?

I don't know.

Well, you think I'll be done
by tomorrow night?

Because I have somewhere to go
and it's really important.

Chris, there's nothing
more important

than fulfilling
your responsibilities.

That's what this scholarship
is all about: service.

So do your best.

If you get it done,

tomorrow you can do
whatever you want.

Okay, well, how clean
do they have to be?

Well, I need you
to make these

look like this,
all right?

So do your best.

I'll see you later.

Lock up
after you leave.

You are the best.

By the time I finished
cleaning those coffins,

I almost needed one,
but it was worth it

because come tomorrow, I was
gonna have the time of my life.

What time do you
want to meet

and go to the Garden?
You know what?

You go without me
and I'll meet you down there.
What?

I have to go by
the funeral parlor after school

to make sure there's nothing
Mr. Omar wants me to do.

I don't want
to have him think

there's any reason for him
not to give me my money.

I don't know
why you took

that scholarship
anyway.

Did you have $200
for concert tickets?

No. Here.

Don't be illing, man.

I'll see you at 7:30.

All right.

For my father,

coin-cashing day was better
than Christmas morning.

$97.50.

No, that can't be right.

I know I had
a hundred dollars here.

Did you count it?
No.

Well, I did.
It was $97.50.

Well, maybe you made a mistake.

No, maybe you made
a mistake.

You think you're
the first person

try to skim a few quarters
past us?

Actually, he was
the first person to try it,

but that was a long time ago.

Back at Mr. Omar's,
it was almost quitting time

and I was three minutes away
from Run-DMC.

Hey, Greg. Yeah.

So we're still good, right?

Oh, okay.

No, all I have to do
is lock up.

I'm out of here
in, like, two minutes.

So I'll meet you at the Garden?

All right, cool.

I had finished all my dealings
with death

and now it was time to get ill.

Excuse me.
Can you help me?

I can... but I don't want to.

Sorry.

I was just locking up,

but I'm sure Mr. Omar could talk
to you in the morning.

Oh, it'll only
take a minute.

You see,
my husband passed

and Mr. Omar wanted me
to bring a tie

to go with the outfit,

and I just can't decide.

What do you think?

Blue or green?

Green.

Oh, yeah, green.

Leonard liked green.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna give this
to Mr. Omar in the morning,

but we can leave.

Yeah.

Maybe blue would be better.

He was an executive,
you know.

Okay.

Blue it is.

No, you're right. Green.

Now tell me,

do you think
I should get socks

to match the tie?

This will only take a minute...

in old people time.

That's perfect.

You remind me
of him, you know?

He used to have that same look
you have right now.

Frustration?

You keep looking
at the clock.

Is there someplace
you supposed to be?

Yeah, I'm supposed
to be meeting a friend.

Oh, that's nice.

I don't mean to hold you up.

Then let me go.

Leonard had friends now.

Yes, there was Earl,

Louis, Zeke, Sonny.

Sonny, Sonny had one eye

and he got
into a fight

with Chester Jenkins.

He love watching sitcom,

especially Sanford & Son.

He loved
Sanford & Son.

(mimics Sanford):
I'm coming, Elizabeth!

(laughing)

This man could cook.

You talk about fried chicken?

His chicken was so good,

chickens be at the table
talking.

"Whoa, this some good chicken.

Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa."

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Bend it down.
Bend it down. Come on.

Ooh, you good.

You good, but you're
not as good as Leonard.

Ow! Stop!

I was missing Run-DMC,

but my father was really
missing his quarters.

Shouldn't you be
at work, baby?

Rachelle, I think

Tonya may have stolen
from me.

What?!

I went to the bank

and the quarters I had her
roll up for me came up short.

Oh, no, my daughter
is not gonna grow up

to be a thief.

We're gonna get
to the bottom of this.

I still got one
good arm left.

No, no, no.

Ow! Ow, ow.

I'll talk to her.

You just get some rest.

Okay.

Thank you, baby.

My father hated to think
that Tonya had stolen again,

but he also hated
being short $2.50.

Tonya,

did you roll those quarters
like I told you to?

Yeah. Why?

When I went to the bank,

every one of those rolls
was a quarter short.

What happened to the rest
of my money?

Well, I took one quarter
out of each roll.

You didn't think anybody
wouldn't notice that?

What did you do
with the money, Tonya?

Well, I was trying to save

to make you
another roll.

Save for another roll?

Yeah.

You didn't think I was
stealing from you, did you?

No, of course not.

Well, that's what
it sounds like to me.

No, no, that's not
what it sounds like.

I'm just saying...
Huh?!

Look, your mother,
she needs some help.

Look, here, take that
and buy some candy
or something, okay?

No, Daddy,
you keep it.

Coming, baby!
Coming!

(woman laughing)

Oh, I'm gonna miss him!

But you know what?
He had a good life.

Yeah, sounds like
you two got along.

Oh, no, he was
a pain in the ass.

(laughs)

But he was my pain
in the ass.

Yeah.

Young man,
can I tell you something?

What's that?

This is the best
I've felt in days.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Come on.

I know there's someplace
you got to be.

There was someplace
I wanted to be,

but I was right where
I needed to be.

Hey, what happened?
Where were you?

I can't believe you missed it.

Got tied up at the funeral home.

I told you that scholarship
thing was a bad idea.

It's all right.
I'll catch 'em next time.

Next time?
There won't be a next time.

It was incredible.

It was Aerosmith and Run-DMC
singing "Walk This Way."

I couldn't believe it, man.

When I saw someone in distress,
I gave comfort.

Greg had a different approach.

But my mother pretending
to have a pain in her arm

was becoming a real
pain in the neck.

TONYA/DREW:
Ma!

Uh! Okay, okay, I'm fine!

I'm up, okay?!
Are you happy now?!

I mean, what does a woman
have to do

to get some rest around here,
get shot?!

I thought the BFD scholarship
was gonna be easy money,

but I was dead wrong.

At least I was finally
about to get paid.

Here you go.

A voucher for $250
worth of books.

Books?

Books?

Books?

Well, you didn't think
you were getting cash, did you?

Good night.

Tragic.

You owe me a hundred dollars.

* Everybody hates Chris.